how do you know you’re in love?
with a head full of jumbled up thoughts
and a heart stuffed with tangled emotions
where does the thinking stop?
where do the feelings begin?
to feel as though-
as though –
and there I go….
not even knowing how to finish that sentence
not being able to comprehend the words that pop into my mind
when I think of YOU
its like an ongoing debate within my head
about what I feel, how I should feel, why I’m feeling them
and every reason why I should just NOT
everything within me screaming
I don’t know, I don’t know, I don’t know
but what I do know is
when I’m not around you
you are all I want to be around
in your presence, we can sit in silence
different corners of the room, opposite directions
but I am happy enclosed in the same four walls as you
within a lovers embrace
I keep my distance
I don’t want my heart to go
where we allow our bodies to travel
a dance of contradictions
what should be moments of intimacy
become moments of purposeful detachment
it is, what it is, what it is
my favorite moments
are the moments after
because somewhere in these moments after
I become bare
guard down and exposed
I allow myself to feel vulnerable
to let you know I need your embrace
to feel your fingers intertwine with mine
to feel you arms around my waist
the comfort of feeling so small and protected
as your lips press against my forehead
but when that moment passes
when the sun rises
when I awake from that dream
I am confronted with the confusing feeling
what is love?
is it love, when I crave these moments outside of the bedroom?
is it love, when I sit at your passenger side and wish my hand was nestled in yours?
is it love, when you are sitting down and although there are a million chairs surrounding me, all I want is to be on your lap?
is it love, when we lock eyes and I want you to kiss me?
not just with your lips
but a kiss from your heart like the longing I see in your eyes.
so there it is,
what I feel, In a nutshell
but then, it doesn’t even begin to encompass the reality of my inner debate
because after we lock eyes
because after I see the longing in your gaze
I am paralyzed with fear
does that look reflect what I hope your heart speaks?
but even if it did….
the fear of being rejected can do many things to a person,
make them say things they do not mean
make them rationalize reasons that do not make sense,
come to conclusions that do not exist,
all to save their heart from another heartbreak
what if I tell you how I feel,
and you tell me you do not reciprocate?
what if, what if we try and we fail?
what if the beauty of another, take your eyes away from me?
what if the memories of an old love
shadow our memories of us?
what if you love me today,
but do not love me tomorrow?
what would exist of what is left of my heart if I allow myself to take this guard down?
fold it neatly
tuck it down beneath the socks in the drawer
to allow that look I see in your eyes
pull every brick down from my walls,
-to let you hug me….
because in all honesty
you haven’t really hugged me,
arm in arm, body against body,
but there has been an invisible cellophane wrap
in between us the entire time
keeping my heart tucked neatly in my drawer
from jumping right into your hands