Calm your worries and feed your dreams
Poetry
How I wish there was an off switch the moment my head graced the pillow with its presence
But instead, I am left with a bombardment of thoughts and questions
Things I am not prepared to answer
Questions, I am still afraid to truly ask
I wish there was an off switch
Synchronized with the lights
So when I dimmed the room for relaxation, my mind grew foggy along with it
She carries that shield as though the armor upon her chest may give way from multiple defenses
Crossbow in hand to ward off those that approach from enemy lines
Daggers at the ready because sometimes they say to keep your friends close but your enemies closer
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She spent so long trying to keep the dangers away, she forgot she also wasn’t letting love penetrate her skin.
She didn’t realize that leaving the bandages on her wounds for too long were allowing them to fester
Trapping the insidious
Killing all she thought she was protecting
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So, take the armor off babe
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Let your heart breathe
Take some weight off of your shoulders hun
I know that you have felt heavy for some time now
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Take the armor off babe
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Feel some sun on that skin
Start some healing from within
Feel his touch
Because you need it just as much as he
Soak in his love
Because you both deserve for you to
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Take off the armor babe
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You are okay
I Promise you
original post: And Her Name Is…
Again, it’s impossible to get anyone to understand what anxiety feels like, when you don’t suffer from it yourself. This is my struggle with anxiety, with the evil whispers that anxiety likes to speak on a daily basis and the fight to keep my anxiety under control.
She was always “the one that got away”
The one that loved until her heart bled dry
The one that gave and gave
Until even her capillaries collapsed from being hollow
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She was always the one that held on too long
Until her calloused hands gave way
Until her knees buckled from the weight
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She was always the one that felt a hand reach out for her
As soon as she was just out of reach
The one that heard her name being called from the tree tops
As she ventured out of the city
The one that saw fireworks spelling out her name
As she rode her own self out into the sunset
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Because she never needed anyone to take her on that bike
She never depended on anyone to keep her warm
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She was a fire all on her own
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She may have been directionally challenged
But give her the tools and by God she will find herself exactly where she needed to be
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She was always “the one that got away”
Because the men in her life didn’t know whether to fan her fire
Or deprive her of the oxygen to shine
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The men in her life were either terrified that beside her,
She would either burn much brighter
Or push them to ignite their own
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And neither option ever felt right for them at the time
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She was always “the one that got away”
Because once she decided she was done
She was never turning back
She was never refueling her heart for the same drive
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And the men in her life thought that
She would always be there to pick them up when they fell
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In every love story, she was never replaceable
Her fire burned a different shade of bright
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In every love story,
The new, the next, and the right after
Sat dim in comparison to her
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In every love story,
They looked for her
They cried for her
They feened for her
They hungered for every bit of love she fed them
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Because you never know what you have lost
Until it’s really gone
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You never know what you have lost
Until you tasted and nothing tastes as sweet
Until you have hugged and no one is as warm
Until you have tried and realized that no one else
Compares
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And you fear you will see her hand in hand
With someone that appreciates her
With someone that loves her
With someone that is ready to fan her fire
And ignite his own
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Because that is exactly who she needs
When a fire shines that bright
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A man who wants to feed her fire
Not because she needs him to
Not because she will wither away without him
But because he is fueled by her beauty
He shines just as bright without her
But glows with her by his side
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When fire meets fire
She is no longer “the one that got away”
He is no longer the hands that got burned by her flame
They are no longer fires at either end waiting
For who will survive without oxygen the longest
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Because their flame shines brighter with them together
Their fire brightens the pathway forward
Their fire pushes the darkness away from their souls
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She is no longer “the one that got away” because
She is shining
She is loving
She is HERE
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Neversilencethemadness.com
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ORIGINAL POST: WHEN YOU THINK YOU SEE ME….
My attempt at doing the impossible, getting people that don’t have anxiety or panic attacks, to understand what it may feel like. Especially since so many people that suffer with anxiety have the capability to appear completely fine, while they struggle within.
She thought she knew what she wanted
She thought that it was all planned out and laid out in front of her
The hopeless romantic in her, told her that she would fall in love
She would get the ring, she would get married, have the babies, live in the beautiful home with her family and her dogs
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One broken heart after another
She began to retreat a little bit further
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Maybe it was the amount of times her heart broke
Maybe it was a defense mechanism building a wall around that heart
Maybe time made her begin to lose patience
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But she began to feel as though
Maybe she didn’t want that dream anymore
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Maybe that dream was never meant for her
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It was an endless disappointment every time she fell in love without bearing the fruit of the future
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It was an expectation that she was exhausted from wanting to fulfill
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She wanted it so badly, she decided she didn’t want it at all
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I mean, what was it all really?
Besides money on a finger, besides signatures on a paper
Maybe there were more cons than pros anyway
It’s not like any of it meant promises wouldn’t be broken on a future day
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Maybe she had just become jaded
Maybe fear had taken over
That maybe vows meant nothing to her future lover
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Either way
She couldn’t tell if it was frustration or sadness
Desperation or fear
whatever it was
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She wanted it so badly, she decided
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She really didn’t want any of it, anymore
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Neversilencethemadness.com
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original poem : BROKEN PIECES
Sometimes, we feel like we have been through so much in our life that we broken.
Sometimes, we meet that person that wants to be there to hold your hand while you heal
and sometimes, I think we worry that those burdens are just way too much for our loved ones to hold on to with you and in reality, it isn’t anyone else’s responsibility to heal you.
but sometimes we meet that person that wants to hold your hand while you heal despite the difficulties, despite tears, because they love you.
He listened to her intently as the tears fell from her cheeks
He stared at her bewildered as she gasped for breaths between words
Had he known that his choices at the precipice of her love would break her even 20 years into the future, he might have chosen differently
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But would he really?
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As she lay, curled into the blanket, limbs writhing from the pain radiating from her heart, from the memories of her past, he stood there, mouth gaping wide
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How could he have been so careless?
How could he take her gentle soul and defame it ?
How could he take all the love she gave him and set it down as if it wasn’t the most precious gift she could have offered?
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“Your love traumatized me” she wailed
“I gave you every part of me” she groaned
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As she doubled over in pain, in weakness, in horror
There was nothing he could do but place a hand on her shoulder for comfort
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She was right
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Every way that he had fractured her heart initiated the deep cracks that still find themselves way too difficult to heal
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No matter what she did to smooth out the edges, fill in the holes
No matter what man came to her with love and praise and affection
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She was never able to satiate the ache her heart felt
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His words echoed in every future relationship
His doubt and hesitation manifested into her fear for the future
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And with each failed love story, she felt increasingly defeated
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A little more hopeless
A little more helpless
A little more pessimistic
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But his love story, their love story
Will always be the love story that broke her
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Their love story will always be the one that started it all
Their love story will always be the one that took her gentle soul, her innocent love, and her forgiving heart and crushed it, demolished it, tarnished it
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He wished with every fiber of his being that he could rewrite their love story
That he could erase the pain
That he could heal her broken parts
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But a love story cannot be rewritten, it cannot be unwritten
She just has to find a way to give herself the happy ending that she knows she deserves on her own
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Neversilencethemadness.com
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original poem : I May Be Nothing But a Stranger
People cross our paths every day whether it’s a lasting relationship, first and only impression, or a person meant to change our route and walk away. We never know what someone else is going through. The least we can offer anyone in this world, is compassion. We need to have love, spread love, give love, to be able to be someone that is capable of receiving love in return.
Once upon a time
He swam to her
They locked arms
And she grew
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She grew
She grew
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She surprised her makers with a hello
She wasn’t planned and
They didn’t know how to take the news
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She was fighter
She lived through the doctors visits
Her heart beat for her another day
So excited for life
She left her home a month early
Her landlord, not a word to say
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She was loved, she knew
But unwanted, she felt
Each morning she feared the ridicule
Each night she shuffled the cards she was dealt
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Every moment that she had a breath to take
She feared the choices that she would ultimately have to make
To stand up for the person she knew she was
To stand up to the people who were suppose to show her love
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She met him
They locked arms
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She grew
She grew
She grew
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He took her away from home
Saved her
But broke her too
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With him
She began to learn what it meant to be herself
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Wanting to be loved
But he reinforced the doubt she felt
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It imprinted on her
Like the skin she lives in
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Penetrated her mind
Inhabited the dreams she slept with
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She lived her life onward
Pushed through
Defeated
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She made sure
It was never a man she needed
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She poured out her heart
Giving all her love
To those she cared for
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From those she loved
She never expected more
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She wondered sometimes
Why the journey
Played out the way it did
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Why one survived
And the other one didn’t
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She questioned sometimes
Her purpose
Her place in this time
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She wondered
When the chaos would end
She wondered
When peace would take over her life
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The question remains
And she may not ever know
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But for the first time
Since she was a little girl
She saw the treasure waiting for her
At the end of the rainbow
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Neversilencethemadness.com
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Just a poem about a woman who lost her son in one of the most unimaginable heartbreaking ways and the way that she still smiles toward the world and tries to carry on with her life. We never know the hurt that is going on within someone else. So, let’s all please be kind, love, allow yourself to be loved, and ask for the help when you need it. ❤️
original poem : Dimples, Deep as the Oceans
When his lips touched yours
All the wailing cries from every heartbreak
Were sucked out of your body
Like a cleansing of your soul
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When your fingers touched,
Every tear you cried became the fuel for a better tomorrow
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When you handed him you heart, he buffed out all the imperfections
Left by the men that couldn’t handle you
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And he gave it back nearly perfect
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He made you believe that you were his forever
He made you believe that he was yours too
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The happiness in your smile makes me believe
That you thought he would never leave you
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He spoke to you of all the ways
And all the ways
And all the ways
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He spoke to you of the future
And all the days
And the way he would stay.
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He held your hand and you thought
“This warmth could survive me through a winter storm”
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You wouldn’t imagine life without him anymore
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Yes, he made you believe
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That it was you and him forever
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You couldn’t have known that it would be your last December
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When he walked away so suddenly, your heart was ripped entirely from your chest
He promised you so much more
He handed you so much less
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He made you believe you were his forever
He made you believe he was yours too
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Then you were stuck in the sidelines as he rode away with her to get away from you
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As he rode into the sunset with his new love between his arms
You were deserted, deflated, embarrassed, appalled
Because the one you loved so quickly
Never really loved you at all
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Neversilencethemadness.com
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I wrote this poem back in 2016, after moving to LA from Northern California. I came here for Nursing School and I made the move all alone. I walked away from a long term relationship because he wasn’t ready to make the move with me and that left me feeling very confused. I was proud of myself for making the move, for my future, for my well being. I was excited because I was beginning this new chapter of my life filled with growth and it was a road I knew without a doubt that I wanted to take, but walking away from someone that I had spent the last 6 years with in the same breath, was heartbreaking. The first year or two in LA was a time for rediscovery. I was learning how to live my life for myself and not having to worry about another persons needs. For the first time in my life, I was only needing to care about what I wanted and what I needed. But I was left with insecurities that ran deep into my childhood and were reinforced by a relationship that didn’t work. That’s when I found my passion in dancing again and I realized within those years how much dancing filled me with happiness, and confidence. It took time before I was able to slowly break free from some of the constraints I had within myself, but I owe all of it to music, dance, and a special someone that never gave up on me. In the moments that I was at my lowest, I had someone new in my life that never let me feel the insecurities that weighed me down. When I didn’t have the confidence to shake the thoughts off, he was there to remind me of how amazing he thought I was. Eventually, I began to believe it.
It’s amazingly true, that positive affirmations can change your mindset and change your life. Even when I struggled to believe ALL the things, he pushed me to say them over and over again. He made me believe them, and eventually I rediscovered the love that I had for myself.
I still struggle on a daily with insecurities, with anxiety. I still question myself and have doubts. I still keep myself in a bubble and shy away from things that I enjoy because of my own fears of letting loose. But I work on it every day as well. I have a supportive partner that encourages me to love myself and reminds me of all my potential. Every day, I hope to rediscover more about myself, love more about myself, and break away from the bubble I keep myself in. Every day is a new chance for change and growth that I hope to continue for the rest of my life.
original poem : Rediscovery
I know your heart aches for him hun
But he is no longer yours to love
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I’m sorry that he rode past you in the sunset
I’m sorry that he made you feel as though you weren’t enough
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He took the little pieces of your broken heart, sewed them back together
Just to take that seam apart
His bare hands with a ripper
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I know you love him babe
But his heart belongs to someone else
He took his heart
Placed it in her hands
The cards that he holds
Are the cards that he’s been dealt
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You need to let him go, love
His hands are no longer the hands for you to grasp when you are afraid
Because when she becomes lonely
her body is where his hands lay
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women move on when they are ready
Not a second too soon, not a moment too late
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But hun, you cannot fight what is fate
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There is so much more to life, love
You will find the one that wants you near
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But he is not the one you are searching for
The love of your life, is not him, my dear
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Neversilencethemadness.com
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I’ve always LOVED listening to spoken word. Some really amazing poets have made me cry my eyes out with their beautiful words and the way that they convey those emotions in spoken word. I have been shy my entire life and things that I am passionate about are things that I find difficult to be open and vulnerable in. I decided to start recording my poems starting from the first one I have posted here on my blog.
I have always been super uncomfortable on camera especially on video, but I want to start breaking out of my little shy bubble and trying different things for my own self growth and self love.
This is my first time recording a poem like this, so please be gentle. One day I hope to be able to not be so shy and perform my poetry with the emotions that I feel with them…. until then… here I go…..
original poem : Don’t lift me up to drop me
I let her sleep because I know ..
when she’s awake her thoughts are a minefield
Speckled with all the moments that make her heart explode with sadness
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When she is caught dreaming
I let her enjoy those minutes
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Because I know that the second she is awake
She is bombarded with a laundry list that she alone has made urgent
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I let her sleep because for a few short breaths
Her brows are unfurled
Her face, peaceful
And as soon as that is interrupted
The worry and anxiety creep in
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Every “what if” is a scenario that has happened
All possibilities become fact
Intervened by the rational parts of her mind
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Her psyche
A sword fight
With no real winner
While she sits in the audience preparing for which
Long lost friend she will have to have to put to rest first
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Her body
Ready to fight
Her legs ready for flight
Adrenaline coursing through her veins
To save her from the unknown monster
She’s struggling with that day
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You see…
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I let her sleep because I love her
I let her sleep because there is only so much I can do to save her
There is only so much I can do to protect her
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And when I see her peaceful,
Even for just a moment,
I could never take that from her
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Neversilencethemadness.com
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I understand why she wanted
To walk away from this world
Why, when death started knocking
She opened the door and let him in
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She was tired of all the moments that her heart broke
She was tired of mustering all her strength to put it back together
She was tired of the endless fear
The chipping away of her plaster encased heart
And the fragile contents within
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When death came knocking
She smiled and opened the door
“I’ve been waiting for you” she said
“Take me, death. I have grown impatient”
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What torture this life has been
The never ending strive for better
For happiness
For success
For love
For acceptance
For laughs
And hugs
And tender fingertips
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Passionate kisses were never so hard to find
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And
A man that would throw her heart around
Was always around the corner
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But when morning comes
And the truth invades
She wished that she could not exist
She wished that she could tear through the temporary comfort that softened her fall
She wished she could rip through her own skin
Make herself inside out
Bleed until she slept an endless nap
She wanted to break faces
Hear her echoed screams
Burn a house down to its bones
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Why was life so difficult?
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Why was happiness a foreign language,
That surfaced so few and far between?
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She wanted it all to stop
Her worry
Her beating heart
Her fear
Her tears
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And then death came knocking at her door
She smiled her own mischievous smile
And said ..
“Take me”
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Neversilencethemadness.com
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As I sit here on my lunch break at work tonight
I dig into the first pot pie I’ve had in years
Daydream of my childhood
When my mom would make pot pies for dinner
When we had blueberry pie and vanilla ice cream for a treat
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I didn’t know then
What a simple pot pie would mean to me now
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I didn’t know before
The warmth of this pot pie
Would also bring warmth to my heart
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Remembrance of the family I lost
The time we had together
The aroma of laughter
And a stomach full of stability and peace
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Pot pies, apparently remind me of my mother
Of the days when she was my mommy
Of the long evenings playing in the backyard
Of the living room workouts
Of the halloween costumes that she would make from scratch
Of the movie dates
Of karate class
When she would cheer me on from the side lines hoping I would eventually throw a punch
Of the leotards for gymnastics
Of the cartwheels I couldn’t do
Of the long sushi lunch
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It all reminds me of her
Of my little hand in hers
Of our chubby fingers
And our chubby toes
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Laughing about the little things that only her and I know
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Pot pies remind me a lot of my mother
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When she would call us in for dinner
Dance her way around
With hugs strong enough to smother
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When she would sit us all down
Sing her way to the freezer
And then surprise us with dessert
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Neversilencethemadness.com
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Most days
I do the things I Love
I seek out the things that make me happy
I love the people around me that I hold dear
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Most days
I dance because I love the music
I sing because I love the words
I cry because I feel the passion
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Most days
I live my life
Go from point A to point B
Grateful for the day I have been given
Hopeful for tomorrow
Learning from the memory of my past
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Most days
I inhale the beauty that this world places before me
I exhale the impossibles
And I get myself to tomorrow
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But …..
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Some days
I miss the comfort of being able to call you any time of the day
To hear your voice
To vent insecurities
To remind ourselves that we are queens
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Some days
I really miss the road trips
The Cuddles
And hearing your laughter
I miss the way your hand held mine
The way your laughter turned your face red
And I could barely catch a glimpse of your eyes
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Some days
I fear that I will never be able to laugh again
That I will forever only be able to giggle
That I will only have enough happiness in me to smile
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Some days
I fear that I will never be whole
Because you are no longer with me
There will always be a veil of sadness
There will always be a piece missing
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Most days, mother
I tell myself that everything happens for a reason
I find comfort in knowing that you are happy and at peace
Free of the stress and struggle that the physical world hands us
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But some days, mother
My heart breaks from your absence
My heart aches for the future we will not have together
For the grandchildren you will not meet
For the dances we will not dance
Songs we will not sing
The unfinished dreams that you held in your pocket
That never got to see the light of day
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Some days, mother
I miss you so terribly
I cannot believe that you are not here with me
But I get myself together
Wipe the tears
And I make it to tomorrow
He bulldozed his way through life
Never a care about anyone else
Leaving broken hearts
Littered across the pavement
As he rode his way into the sunset
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You would think that he would look back
At least one last goodbye
The tattered sheets he gave his love to
a sliver of warmth to the fragments he left behind
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I couldn’t see his face
But I imagined … or at least I hoped
that he had a solitary tear
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That he held his head high
But he was broken inside
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I couldn’t hear him any longer
But I imagined … or at least I hoped
that his lip quivered a little
Maybe his own heart let out a whimper
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Because you cannot runaway from all the broken hearts
Without breaking a little of your own in return
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The impetuous way he lived his life
Hooking lines into the hearts of those around him
Those that admired him
Those that Loved him
Those that needed him
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He reeled them in
Dinner to last him the rest of the year
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He bulldozed his way through life
Seared and devoured
Licked his fingers to justify the life he took
A compliment on how delicious love can taste
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And then he got back on that road
Satisfied and full
And headed out toward the sunset
He was foolish
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He reeked of inexperience
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Lacked the emotional wherewithal to create something worth while
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But the look in his eyes said he wanted to try
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The passion in his lips said inexperience in one doesn’t mean inexperience in all
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He was an ASININE excuse for a partner
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But as a lover, he was a 5 star vacation of a lifetime
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He begged to prove he was more than face value
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Climbed mountains to show he was more than skin deep
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Ripped open his heart to prove to her that there was even a heart to see
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She was foolish
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She reeked of a woman with too much experience but a heart too big that none of it mattered
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She lacked the emotional wherewithal to stand by her word
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But the look in her eyes said she wanted to try
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The ache in her heart meant she still had enough of one in there for one more heartbreak
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But she was willing to put that piece of her heart in his hands and trust him not to crush it
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She was an ASININE excuse for a partner
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Because she was all-in with one foot out of the door at every moment
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But as a lover, she was a 5 star vacation of a lifetime
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She begged to prove that she was more than just broken pieces
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She climbed mountains to show that the glue holding her together was strong enough to carry them both
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Ripped open her heart to prove to him that there was enough in there to keep on loving
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They were an ASININE excuse for partners
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Love made them foolish, nonsensical lunatics
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But as lovers they were a 5 star vacation of a lifetime
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And at the end of that lifetime, who wouldn’t choose to live it as such?
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In what love story, are there lovers that aren’t foolish, that haven’t lost their senses?
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In what scenario does love not make you both a little crazy for each other?
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I truly do not know, but if you ask them, they will tell you….
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It is going to be hard, but most things Worth having usually are
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True love, knocks us a little off our senses
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But at the end of every day you just have to say
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I choose you
Response to NEVER SILENCE THE MADNESS POETRY PROMPT “ASININE”
With every twist and turn
The world tried to tear them apart
.
.
Whispers that linger
Cuts that sting deep
.
.
The unforgiving movement
That made one nauseated while they sleep
.
.
Photographs
Pyrography etched into ones mind
.
.
Memories
The reality that there is never really time
.
.
But the universe is an implacable thing
With it’s mind made up
There is no real twisting and turning
.
.
Every bump in the road
Every detour
Every kink in the path
.
.
What is meant to be
Will be
And the universe will handle that
.
.
She is adamant, relentless
She is unforgiving when she knows what she wants
.
.
The universe doesn’t care which way the world tries to turn
She will spin it backwards and forwards
.
.
She will linger
She will haunt
.
.
She drowns out the whispers
Blows on the cuts
.
.
Navigates through the moments
When we all get a little lost
.
.
She is an implacable thing
.
.
And in the end
She always gets what she wants.
Response to Never Silence The Madness Poetry Prompt “implacable”
A few months ago, I started a book club, on FB called NEVER SILENCE THE MAD READER. As I was reading this particular book, our first book of the club, I realized it had so many large words that I had to look up. This was a very discouraging realization because in high school, I had so much pride in myself for being an avid reader. As an adult, I didn’t get the chance to read as much, but I didn’t think my vocabulary was as limited as it was. By the end of the first book, I chalked it up to the book itself. I mean, it was called “Special Topics in Calamity physics”, what else was I going to expect?
LOL a bunch of hard words…..
turns out…. It wasn’t the book, because come Decembers book, and I’m still writing down a long list of words I do not know hahaha
Anyway, I decided to write poems for each word to help me engrain the definition into my mind. I thought it would help expand my apparently minuscule pool of vernacular. Once I started doing this, I thought, hey! why not start a poetry group and post poetry prompts, I’m already “prompting” myself, I’ll just share it, and others can join if they want to.
I started a poetry group on FB called NEVER SILENCE THE MAD POET and I began posting my word of the week or poetry prompts. I recently decided, I’ll try sharing it on here as well and 🙏 would love it if anyone would like to participate and tag their ping backs to #NSTMPP
This weeks poetry prompt will be the word “IMPLACABLE”
according to Merriam-Webster dictionary :
: not placable : not capable of being appeased, significantly changed, or mitigated an implacable enemy
1. used to describe (someone who has) strong opinions or feelings that are impossible to change
pingback to #NSTMPP
I’d love to read your work.
All she wanted was to feel his finger tips
She wanted to hear songs about their future
She wanted see the score wrap around their bodies as he spoke of all the ways he loved her
She wanted nothing more than to be aroused by the tales of his day
The plans that he’s made
The blueprint of his life that had her etched into every corner
She wanted to feel his lips between hers
Electricity
Magnetism
Fire
She hungered for him
Not only his skin
And his kisses
Or the way that he looked at her
She hungered for his mind and his strength
His vulnerability
His passion
His erudite rant on all the things she once knew nothing of
Or even cared to know
Watching his wheels turn as he spoke of all the things he loved
The details of every manufacturer, the rational for every dip and turn
The intricacies of every click and clack
The admiration of the beauty and the perfection
She wondered,
if he ever spoke of her like that
Response to #NSTMPP “ERUDITE”
I am defeated
Wilted
The petals of the rose I am born
Pathetic
In the way she lacks to stand
The spine
Her fibers once full of hydration
Cannot bear to hold her up
She is thirsty
Days she went without satisfying the quench
Days she needed to replenish
But she lay there wilted
Not saying a word
Breaking
Falling apart
Pliable
For the inability to fight back
I call defeat
I throw in the towel
I raise my white flag
I have nothing left in me
To fight for what my heart longed for
You win, my love
Forgive me
I do not have the strength anymore
You Saw a Pretty Thing and You Wanted to Break it
.
.
.
Porcelain made
Fragile written on it
.
.
.
You peered Into the windows
And you felt the warmth
Radiating from the hearth
.
.
.
You sought comfort
In the man you thought you deserved
.
.
.
As you felt around the doors and windows
.
.
.
Checked the hinges
Checked the boards
.
.
.
You saw a hidden crack beneath the floor
.
.
.
You seeped your way in
.
.
.
Not carefully
.
.
Not quietly
.
.
You seeped in flooding
You broke through the crack entirely
.
.
You tried to warm your hands upon the open fire
.
.
You burned yourself
.
.
Fighting for the one thing that you desired
.
.
You saw a pretty thing
And you wanted to destroy it
.
.
You took that porcelain made home
And you dropped it
.
.
.
A few months ago, I started a book club, on FB called NEVER SILENCE THE MAD READER. As I was reading this particular book, our first book of the club, I realized it had so many large words that I had to look up. This was a very discouraging realization because in high school, I had so much pride in myself for being an avid reader. As an adult, I didn’t get the chance to read as much, but I didn’t think my vocabulary was as limited as it was. By the end of the first book, I chalked it up to the book itself. I mean, it was called “Special Topics in Calamity physics”, what else was I going to expect?
LOL a bunch of hard words…..
turns out…. It wasn’t the book, because come Decembers book, and I’m still writing down a long list of words I do not know hahaha
Anyway, I decided to write poems for each word to help me engrain the definition into my mind. I thought it would help expand my apparently minuscule pool of vernacular. Once I started doing this, I thought, hey! why not start a poetry group and post poetry prompts, I’m already “prompting” myself, I’ll just share it, and others can join if they want to.
I started a poetry group on FB called NEVER SILENCE THE MAD POET and I began posting my word of the week or poetry prompts. I recently decided, I’ll try sharing it on here as well and 🙏 would love it if anyone would like to participate and tag their ping backs to #NSTMPP
This weeks poetry prompt will be the word “ERUDITE”
according to dictionary.com it is an adjective meaning “characterized by great knowledge; learned or scholarly: an erudite professor; an erudite commentary.“
pingback to #NSTMPP
I’d love to read your work.
I watched you glow as he fed you
Abdomen engorged
Promises; candy coated words
.
.
He fattened you up
Rosie cheeked
Arms stuffed full of flower petals
.
.
Honey vibrato
To ingratiate himself with your pitter patter heart
.
.
He molded himself into every dream you ever wished for
He decapitated every monster you ever lived with
.
.
He woke you from your nightmare
And he gave you something to live for
.
.
Why then, do you start to feel like something is still missing?
Like promises are empty
Smiles hollow
.
.
Why then, is there no warmth between your fingertips
Or fire in your soul ?
.
.
In the end,
You do not know
.
.
In the end,
You have to let the the dream of him go
.
.
#NSTMPP
NEVERSILENCETHEMADNESS POETRY PROMPT
I walked through golden lit coals without falter
.
.
I burned through the walls of poison ivy without a scratch
.
.
Even being stoned and beaten without release
Was not a match
.
.
My shoulders straight back
My chin never defeated
.
.
I trekked through this life with my head held high
My conscience pure
I had all I needed
.
.
But yesterday
Your fingers slowly released mine
.
.
What was once interlaced
And intertwined
.
.
Was now empty and free
Our love
No longer clandestine
.
.
I felt my legs weak
My hands fumbled
My speech so lost
I stumbled
.
.
Without the support of your grasp
I lost the ground beneath me
I lost the sky above me
Everything I thought I needed
I couldn’t see
.
.
Across the golden lit coals
I cried
Crawled
Despised
.
.
I became a person
That I did not recognize
.
.
You came into my life when I was lost
My Hurt echoed off of the walls
Insecurities gunned me down
By the people that promised to keep me safe
.
.
Slumber within a prison that did not have any bars
Drowned by the monsoon they locked inside with me
.
.
You came into my life when I was about to run away
Everybody smiled in front of my face
And hid the grenades
.
.
Eyes glued to the ground
Fear excruciatingly heavy
I had nothing left
My cries held no sound
.
.
You came into my life when I needed to feel loved
You held my hand when I was falling
Raised my chin up
.
.
And set my eyes right on you
You set my feet atop your shoes
“Do not run, I will walk with you”
.
.
You came into my life
When I needed to be engulfed by the arms of someone’s hug
You came into my life
When I needed to feel loved
.
.
.
*picture is from my favorite Gelato place When I visited Rome Last Feb
Whispers fill the room
I can visualize it
Like the notes on sheet music
Flowing through
Singing tune
.
.
It’s like a little seed planted in my heart
Fertilized by anxiety
And the palpitations start
.
.
I cannot unsee
What I think I have seen
.
.
Befell
The horror stories on my heart
I can’t un-tell
.
.
The room is stifling with
Whispers
And music
With stories
And lies
.
.
And that little seed within my heart
Is the only plant I own
That doesn’t seem to die
With empty eyes
And a hollow heart
You looked at me that night
.
.
You said goodbye
With your chest puffed up
Above my line of sight
.
.
Peering down
It’s plain as day to see
You move with an air of confidence
Arrogance
Far far better than me
.
.
Their whispers became Screams
Deep within your head
The nagging echos
Did not allow you to rest
.
.
You thrust your megalomaniacal words
In my face
You run away
Without haste
.
.
My heart
Was never dear to your soul
And I realized
At that moment
I meant nothing to you anymore
.
.
They say my head is in the clouds
Why?
I dream too much?
I think too highly of myself?
My judgment is cloudy?
.
.
.
They say to get my head out of the clouds
Why?
Envious of the extent in which I dream?
Of the height I allow myself to fall from?
Because I know that I will survive
And I will get right back up.
.
.
.
I look above me
How soft a place to lay upon
Angelic
Serene
Spiritual
.
.
.
I can see the castles
From just right here
Peaking
Hiding
Real
.
.
.
Once I have climbed all I can climb
Hoisted above the greatest arena
I look below me
And I see them
.
.
.
It is the most joyous first couple steps
It is the bottomless hug I never knew I needed
It is the cool condensation on a heatwave of a day
It is the insulation on a chilly night
.
.
.
It is the infinity fall
From a ground that was never meant to catch you
It is your stomach flying out of your chest
It is watching everything you hold dearly
Become engulfed in the comfort
Or released in the mayhem
.
.
.
I can see the castles from here
I can hear the trumpets playing
And the angels singing
I am not afraid of the fall
Because I know you are near me
We spent the night together
Wrapped in each other’s arms
We tumbled through the universe
Kept each other warm
.
.
.
We melded together
Until our skin became one
And when we relaxed under the stars
Our breath sang songs until the sun
.
.
.
In the morning
I starred deeply into your eyes
All the sight
Your sight
To see
.
.
.
You opened your mouth to speak
And I was stunned
At your vacuity
.
.
.
Caught between
Should I stay
Or should I go ?
.
.
.
Should I pick
My shame up off the floor ?
.
.
.
Or should I give in
To my body
Wanting more?
.
.
.
Could I have a future
With one so vacuous ?
.
.
.
To what extent
Do thoughts and words fulfill us ?
.
.
.
As I painfully kiss
Those lips goodbye
.
.
.
My heart still aches
The painful truth
I cannot hide
*VACUITY poetry prompt
I can trace back the memories
Like a roadmap of my life
.
.
.
Each pit stop
A part of my undoing
.
.
.
Each rest stop
A natural high
.
.
.
You ask me not to look back
At the hurt I have been caused
.
.
.
But each landmark
Is a permanent placeholder
For what I’ve loved and what I’ve lost
.
.
.
It is impossible for me to look at my life
And erase the days I drove off the track
.
.
.
far in the future
I’ll be able to settle down
Relax my legs
And unpack
.
.
.
The collection mugs
The silver spoons
The pictures taken but never hung
.
.
.
Put my feet up
From the race I ran
But never won
.
.
.
I stare at my life
Like a map
Of the road trip
I desperately wanted to take
.
.
.
With all the beautiful pit stops
I never planned
But don’t regret
That I have made
I looked out into the world
And I saw it
.
.
.
We are all main characters in our own books
.
.
.
I couldn’t unsee what I had seen
All of us walking around with pages and chapters
.
.
.
With bookmarks to save the important parts
.
.
.
With spines and bindings
Pristine
Or stained with living
.
.
.
I can’t unsee it now
.
.
.
The way our lives play out
Like the chapters in a book
Like stories to be told
.
.
.
With love and heartbreak
With turmoil
And body aches
.
.
.
I saw the words written on everyones face
“He had a rough past, and now he’s struggling to reach his future”
“Her heart has just been broken, but she fought on for her daughter”
“He said goodbye to his dad not knowing it would be the last time he hugged him”
“ She just found her soulmate, but she really didn’t know it”
.
.
.
I can’t unsee it now
.
.
.
The way we are all main characters in our own books
Trilogies
From childhood
To Throughout our lives
To our THE END.
.
.
.
It’s become an obsession
.
.
.
Because I just want to read them all
Every word
Every chapter
To feel the bookmarked
To soak in every reason why
.
.
.
I want to flip through your lurid pages
Because you are a book I want to read
.
.
.
And I can’t unsee it now
She told him
.
.
“I want nothing
I am ninety-one
Please let me go”
.
.
He looked at her solemnly
.
.
“Don’t make me do this,
No”
.
.
She took his hand and said
.
.
“I lost the greatest love of my life ten years ago
And I have loved every day that I have been alive,
.
.
But I miss him so much,
I’m ready to be back by his side”
.
.
With tears falling from his face
He held on because it’s all he knew how to do
.
.
And she left this earth so peacefully
With a node and a whisper
“Sweet dreams, baby
.
.
-adieu”
.
.
Sometimes I feel so stifled
Frozen
And unseen
.
.
I lay awake at night
Pondering …
What does it all mean?
As I walk through the threshold
I am assaulted by the sight
.
.
The smells pummel through me
The energy as dark as night
.
.
Screams heard from every corner
Howls of despair
the wailing of fear
.
.
A man crying over limbs
that should still be there
.
.
A woman succumbing to the
Fevers that took her
.
.
The God made Angels
Frantically trying to do better
.
.
The Calibanesque picture before me
Grotesque
Mutilated
Disfigured
.
.
Is a vision that I would never have been
able to manufacture
I ran to him
.
.
“Are you okay?”
.
.
his expression brightened up like the sun
.
.
“I want to go dancing”
.
.
He smiles
.
.
And I laugh to join the fun
.
.
Tomorrow I heard you are no longer speaking
.
.
Your breath was taken from you
.
.
I hope you are dancing in your sleep
.
.
And my heart sinks knowing
.
.
That those were probably the last words
.
.
You will ever say to me
I saw the way you looked at him
-Enamored
.
.
Like he was the one that broke the mould
.
.
you loved him
With appreciation
.
.
He was Midas
And you wanted to live surrounded by his gold
.
.
I saw the way he looked at you
-Enamored
.
.
He gazed downward upon you
Like a fragile chick he wanted to nurture
.
.
He fed you
kept you warm
.
.
He nestled you on his lap
Cursed all the fears away in rapture
.
.
But he dare not touch you
He dare not lose you
Although it broke his heart in every way
.
.
He hurt himself
For every moment he wanted you to stay
.
.
One morning you woke
He fawned over you adoringly
.
.
You saw that your touch brought mountains
oceans to rooftops of glory
.
.
You shunned your own fears
You kept yourself warm
.
.
You no longer needed him to keep you safe from the storm
.
.
You made your own palace
With walls deep
And walls strong
.
.
And you told him
“I’m sorry
I do not love you anymore”
As the stars turn above us,
Your head upon my chest.
Your skin pressed against mine
Our bodies made to rest
.
.
I lose the line between who we are
Because
Who are you ?
And who is she ?
As the stars turn above us
Is it really important?
The “who are we?”
.
.
You are the missing piece
That was unknowingly broken off of my soul
.
.
I was the missing piece
that made your body whole
.
.
You are the part of me
That I didn’t know I needed
.
.
I was the part of you
That you needed to believe in
.
.
As the stars turn above us
And we wonder
“Who are we?”
.
.
Just know that we are two bodies
Who are just
Meant to be
.
.
She loved until she lost herself
She gave until she was empty
She hung on until her fingers bled
And her hourglass was hungry
.
.
She was an inveterate long time lover
each chapter in her life
sewn together neatly between each love
.
.
Never knowing how to say goodbye
Never knowing when enough was enough
.
.
You said you dreamt of it once
.
.
a freckle
.
.
Like a kiss upon her thigh
.
.
It’s where all the roads are traveled
It’s where your compass leads you
.
.
It’s where the time goes
When it flies by
,
,
It winks at you
.
.
like a LANDMARK
To lead you home
.
.
And once you have landed
It’s a lovely place to rest your head upon
.
.
When our hands touch
I am awakened
.
.
Our fingertips
The bridge between our souls
.
.
Blood flowing
Vibrating with electricity
.
.
Tantalizing
Brewing ,
A potion that cannot be undone
.
.
Because I want you more today than yesterday
And I know I’ll still want you more when the day is done
.
.
When our lips touch
A fire ignites within me
.
.
One that only you know how to put out
.
.
I am set ablaze
Willingly
.
.
How could you ever have any doubt ?
.
.
This body is yours forever
Because it is mine
And I put it into your hands
.
.
To extinguish this fire you set ablaze inside me
.
.
I am your woman
.
.
you are my man
.
.
They asked you for help
.
.
With their silent eyes
They called for you
In their muted tears
They screamed for you to see them
.
.
Where were you, then?
.
.
Making choices for “their best interests”
Not caring when they told you
They felt helpless
.
.
I’m sorry children
You had no advocate
.
.
I’m sorry your short life
Had so much sadness In it
.
.
Where were you?
When their silent tears
Flooded the streets
.
.
Sitting in your toasty home
Cuddled safely beneath the sheets
.
.
I have been through a war
Bullets flying pass my face
Tip toeing around the grenades
.
.
I lived through the smoke
bounded by chains
.
.
I have been through it all
Fighting for equality
Fighting for freedom
Fighting for life
.
.
I’ve lived through the protests
I marched for theirs
Like I would march for mine
.
.
how dare you
The years, the memories, the knowledge
.
.
You knocked me down
Cracked them out of me
.
.
I watched from right above you
As my body went limp
If my brothers from war
Could have seen what you did
.
.
Because we lived through the bullets
We tip toed over the grenades
But all of your hate
is what took me to my grave
.
.
I saw the hate in your eyes
It was clear as day
.
.
The disregard for a life
That you will soon take away
.
.
No cries from the helpless
Found its way into your soul?
.
.
No tears from the defenseless
Made you want to make a different call?
.
.
I saw the hate in your eyes that day
What disregard you have
For a life you will soon take away
.
.
What we meant to each other
Was something much larger than us
.
.
.
It was hopes
And dreams
.
.
.
It was goals
And love
.
.
.
It was fear
And disappointment
.
.
.
It was longing
It was loss
.
.
.
I will always remember the way your body felt
When I rested my head upon your chest
.
.
.
The way your arms wrapped around me
The way you carried me to bed
.
.
.
I will remember how your fingertips
Electrified mine
looking up at you
Getting lost in your eyes
.
.
.
I will remember feeling like a piece of me was floating away
When I had to leave your side
.
.
.
What we meant to each other once
Was something much more than love
.
.
.
But we were star crossed lovers
we were cut from different cloths
.
.
.
We were children from different time zones
meant to be together, we were not
.
.
.
Our souls were meant for different paths
And sadly
.
.
.
we were meant for different loves
.
.
.
sifting through a box of old things
Book after book
pamphlet after pamphlet
treatise on anxiety and depression
.
.
.
I am brought back to a time
when our lives were dictated by school bells
And seating charts
.
.
.
Where one rumor
Became our entire world
And one heartbreak
Was announced through
The speaker hung walls
.
.
.
ages ago
An entire world away
.
.
.
I pack it back up
to look back at another day
.
.
.
Weekly prompt @ NSTMP
I can’t be mad at you
You stole my heart
You tricked me
.
.
.
I can’t be mad at you
I walked toward you with a veil over my eyes
You led me blindly
You robbed me
.
.
.
And I let you
.
.
.
How can I be mad at you ?
.
.
.
.
You thief
.
.
.
Burglar
.
.
.
Pirate
.
.
.
Swindler
.
.
.
You stole my heart
Right from my chest
.
.
.
And I liked it
.
.
.
I read somewhere
That you were no longer mine
.
.
That you finally opened up your heart
And honestly, It was about time
.
.
I read somewhere
That you no longer belonged to me
.
.
That our memories
Are no longer cherished
It’s not my heart that holds your key
.
.
I never expected you to wait forever
To hide away
And pine for my love
.
.
But I read somewhere
That you are finally happy and moved on
.
.
My heart paused a little
It broke for a moment
As I remembered what we lost
.
.
But I always knew that our love
Was gone
When I walked away
I knew the cost
I saw her scars
Evidence of a life
Where great just wasn’t good enough
Where She was always just one nip away from perfect
One tuck away from perfection
One stitch away from happiness
I saw her eyes of desperation
As she picked at things I could not see
Although I was happy to oblige
I wondered where in her life she was during each scar
I wondered about the painful recovery
I wondered about the broken heart
Or the healed one
I wondered if she was finally close to happy
I felt sadness for her
But only because that could be me
One nip away from happiness
One tuck away from perfection
One stitch away from perfect
My heart broke for her
But only because that could be me
Sometimes
My brain thinks so much
My heart worries so much
I wish I could step away from it all….
And breathe
I wish I could make it stop
I do
It’s like
Playing jenga
Trying to figure out the puzzle
when it was already whole to begin with
Every piece
A clue that I must pull out and dissect
poking holes through my own logic
Seeing through my own thoughts
Piling on top of each other
Creating some form of a reality
That is just destined to come tumbling down
I wish I could make it stop
I do
The higher the tower grows
Force = mass x acceleration
The harder the fall
The louder the noise
Even when I see it tilting
And I know just how this ends, the scene
As soon as the bricks hit the ground
It startles me
I wish I could make it stop
I do
But no matter what I try
I lose
With all my heart
I want you in my life forever
I want you there to rock me when I’m sick
I want you there, for me to cradle when you’re lonely.
I want forever with you
I want always with you
I want your laugh
And your anxiety
I have endless questions
And I want the lengthy answers
I want you to care too much
Love too much
Be too much
I want you to sing
With my head on your shoulders
Listen to the mockingbirds
Hunt for treasure chests
And sing with the dogs
I want all of it
Forever
I want it with you
Always
You arent my type
You are bland to my taste buds
You are too clear
Too obvious
Too transparent
I read you like crystal
You just aren’t my type
You, tall glass of refreshment
Meant to quench my thirst
Hydrate my dry desert skin
But I do not trust you
Or maybe,
I trust you too much
Because I know what to expect
When you are placed before me
On my table
Into my hands
You disgust me
You, tall drink of water
You, too good for me
Necessity for life
I see right through you
And you are not my type
He looked at me while I spoke
Eyes burning into my own
Not an empty gaze
But strong, with intent
I knew the words coming from my mouth were nonsense
The topic, trivial
Just one of those conversations that
Quite honestly,
Could have never happened
And it wouldn’t have changed a thing in the world
But there he was
Looking into my eyes
Nodding his head, as if
I was giving a speech for a Nobel prize
A feeling was surging through me
This must be what it feels like
When someone is actually listening
When I met you
Early on
You filled with me with so much hope
We dreamt together
About our future
About our goals
Where this life would lead us
All the paths we could take
The possibilities endless
But you turned on me
Devious
Maniacal
Sadistic
You stole all my desires
And locked me within my own four walls
alienated me
Placed me in solitary confinement
Watched me squirm in discomfort
As you sick my biggest fears upon me
A jungle being set loose within my streets
A buzz so loud
What sounds like inches from my ear
hoovers 50 ft away
You, maniac
I cannot contain you
all the vulnerable are dying
All the apparent strong,
Are falling to their knees
When I first met you
You made me feel hopeful
But you tore through me
Wild and dangerous
and I stand here speechless
I looked her in the eye
And I told her how amazing she was
I told her she was beautiful
I told her she was special
All she heard was
Her face lacked angles
All she felt
was the way her tears fell from her eyes
At any hint of emotion
How she always gave more than she got in return
All she digested was how a world surrounded her
That was always somehow unreachable
I felt her heart in her chest
Palpitating
From the fear and anxiety
of her reality
I hugged her close
I knew where the hurt stemmed from
I knew the doubt
The worst feeling
Is to be ambivalent about oneself
To look at yourself in the mirror
to stare into your own eyes
and in the same breath
See the queen you are
And look away in disgust
#FOWC word of the day “ambivalent”
I hear the “pitter-patter”
Of the rain outside
Not long ago
The sun
Stared with an intensity
Of a loyal wife
Who has laid eyes on her husband
Being a tad less than that
How labile this world is
I curse it
But then I see a reflection of myself
For I am the sun
Who sets smiles upon faces
Encourages hope
And freedom
And laughter
too fierce at times
For I will burn you
I will make you seek shelter
I will make you want for less
Tomorrow I will be the rain
Who steals the hope away
From a better day
Who brings sadness
And grey
But also
I will bring the chill
That leads to cuddles
I will bring hot chocolate
And fluffy blankets
I will bring kisses
And fingers to hug yours
How labile my emotions tend to be
Like the world changing
Outside of my window
As I love the to and fro of the sea
My hope is that you also love me
For the changes I bring
writing prompt from HITRECORD : A Few Things I Needed to Hear… From You
I am sorry that I hated you
through your innocence
Every move you made
Irked me to my core
And I had to make you feel it
I am sorry
I am sorry that I made him choose me
When he should have chosen us
But I made sure that you were never apart
Of this whole
And I am so sorry
I did everything I could to break you
Hinder you
Demolish you
Shrink you
I was wrong
And I am sorry.
It smelled of musty air
Saturated in salt
Surrounded by unparalleled darkness
I knew blindly that there was an ocean beside me
Filled with life
Housing a world we barely have knowledge of
I catch a glimpse
Like a flashlight
Offering a gift
The waves crash upon each other
Beautifully dangerous
Unabashedly uncaring
I’m overwhelmed with
The realization of nature
It’s strength
It’s determination
It’s reluctance to be bothered by my presence
Within the darkness
The ocean, my neighbor
An entire world at my feet
Soaked in the Salty air
I am energized and fueled by Mother Earth
I am belittled and humbled by her
And I am thankful
On most days
She wakes up hours before I do
She jumps on my chest
Searing pain
Breathless
On most days
I’m too tired to take her to the park
She barks at me
Begging
“I’m boooored”
I can hear her thinking
On most days
I know she deserves more
She looks at me
She tilts her head
All the leverage she has on me
She cuddles
She wants to be loved
And I know I have to be the best me
So that I can be the best for her
#FOWC word of the day “leverage”
I remember what it felt like
To laugh with you
To watch your face turn red
laughing so hard
You couldn’t breathe
I remember laughing with you
All my muscles go weak
falling to the floor
You just got me
Conversations with you
Were like portals into my own mind
The sincerity of our confidence
and the admission of our insecurities
We talked for hours
Laughing so hard
I would cry
And my fear
My honest fear
Is that I will never
Find a way to laugh
Like that again
With so much unknown in the world today
There is an abundance of
Fear
Sadness
Confusion
With a reality so new to us
There is an overflowing amount of
Resistance
Question
Panic
The FACT of the matter is
despite what anyone says
There is definite
Loss
Loss of what life once was
Loss of loved ones
Loss of stability
From that, we have so much to
Gain
compassion
Unity
Love
Out of everything I know right now
It’s that.
How ominous
this random solitary toaster at the end of a very dark road
causing me to hesitate
Forebodingly
It stares at me
Daring me
To come into the darkness
I cannot look away
I cannot take a step
As if a coyote were in it’s place
How ominous
This solitary toaster
Sitting at the end of a very dark road
In its silence
It haunts me
Sometimes
She wants to scream
Scream so loud
The ghosts from her past
Hear and cower
But
All she can do
Is whisper
Salty tears into a towel
Late at night
Muffling her deafening cries so she doesn’t wake the neighbors
She shakes from the anger
She suffocates from the sadness
Each nostril plugged by the tears she holds back
She once looked at him so lovingly
Now she wishes to cause him pain
Pain
Like the throbbing in her skull
Pressure
Like the lies people told her of her future
She cries into her towel at night sometimes
Rivers down her cheeks
Drowning the hopes
Murdering her dreams
And even as she lays there broken
He lays beside her, dreaming
They do not know I see them
I spy on them, green with envy
As I cling on to the ledge
Heavy with the burden and no ground to land on
All my strength just so that I could see, everything unattainable to me.
Write a story or poem of 5 Lines or Less
Use the picture and/or the word spy as inspiration
Image by alexis parra from Pixabay
She says it’s confidential
She says it’s confrontational
I probably shouldn’t say this
She wouldn’t want me to
But who cares
She’s filled to the brim with anger
It is squeezing out of every seam
Orafices
Dripping
Like an addict
She’s trembling
What does it all mean?
She loves with all her heart
But she hates him with all the heart she has left
She would give him the world
But she doesn’t have much of it
Left
He’s calm
Collected
He sleeps with no care in all the land
She stars at him with daggers for eyes
And wants to faceplant him onto a mountainside
She imagines her coffin nails digging deeply into his skin
To pull out his heart
If he ever had one in him
She dreams of the pain she would inflict
As she lobotomized
Those eyes of his
Cross-stitched
crochete needles stabbed in each ear
The lies he spun
he can finally hear
I probably shouldn’t say this
It’s confidential she says
But the anger she spouts is vibrating
and the love she feels is sinking
She is a speck
In a world of almost 8 billion people
She sees us all like fireflies
Her light
Flickering
Light bulb on the verge of burning out
Struggling to emanate the bright
Surrounded by the darkness of the night
But here she still is ,
GLOWING
She touched your hand
And your anger faded away
She hugged you
And you melted
But like the sun on a nightwalkers skin
Ashes to ashes
You died from within
You felt her like the sun
A warmth you hadn’t felt in years
She embodied hope
But she also embodied all your fears
A chain reaction
From fingertip to the tips of your toes
Ashes to ashes
What you thought was your light
Was really death at your door
The first thing that came to mind
When reading the word VAULT
Was the inner workings of my heart
Code to crack
Difficult to get in
Thick walls
But nearly indestructible
My vault of a heart
Holds all my deepest secrets
All my memories
All my pain
Sometimes it’s
Stronger than it’s own good
Barring the storm
keeping out the insane
This heart of mine
Can be tricky
Confusing
Fickle
But it loves with the strength
Of the strongest metal
and once you get in
You are
Golden
The universe tends to work in very mysterious ways
Breadcrumbs
nudges
Whispers
To the right direction
Sometimes it is the direction we desire
Sometimes it’s in the direction that breaks your heart
But it is very curious
The way that the universe tends to work
When we ask it
For answers
#Fandango’s One Word Challenge : CURIOUS
They walk past me with mournful eyes
Shaking their heads in disappointment
“Why do you hold on so tight?
The thorns piercing your skin?
Your blood dripping so bright?”
They do not understand
There is no need to die
Giving them my last breath
As I lay him down
Tuck him in
And shower him with light
I watch him bloom
I watch him grow
And I know
He is a keeper
Every morning
the sun would rise
Every morning
That sun rose with pride
Boasting in his brightness
Full and larger than life
He thought to himself
“Every night, they are saddened with darkness,
Every morning, they need me to light their way,
I am what they wait for as their head touches their pillow,
My absence is what they dread as the day passes by”
As 12 O’clock approaches he inflates to take up as much of the sky as he can
It is not to be egotistical
He does not shine bright because he thinks he is the center of the universe
O’ sun
All he feels is joy
The assumption that he is all we need to survive
He doesn’t realize that
As he stands tall
As he holds strong
Some of us wilt
Some of us dry
Some of us fall beneath the light
And some of us die
Walking along the stoney path
Fingers grazing the brick bridge wall
I hear her humming
The most feminine tune
And I wonder what beauty I might befall
I peer across
O’ I am so lucky to see
And angel prancing along the meadow
But then she stops to look at me
The heat within me rises
Feeling caught
Red handed
Warm
Like a peeping tom
I am guilty
an eye
Gazing
Upon her storm
She stands before me gawking
I prepare for a slap across my cheek
And then gently she places a flowered crown upon my head
And curtseys in front of me
Bewildered
I don’t understand why she stays so kind
All she does is smile
What a lucky lucky day this is
Of mine
She barreled through your life
Like a stampede
She dismantled all your walls
You fought to keep her out
But she saw through that facade
She made you uncomfortable
She made you question
She made it hard for you to breathe
She tore through your life
And made you want to leave
You opened your eyes
You metamorphasized
You broke through
You soared
She made you never give up
And She made you want more
He said to me
“You are being explosive ”
Little did he know,
There was a tornado inside me that I was holding back from being released.
He said to me
“You are teetering on the edge”
Little did he know,
I tip-toed the tight-walk for miles before I got here
He doesn’t know I watched myself demolish this room
Ripped things off the walls
Flipped over every table
Breaking every breakable thing
As I sat on this bed engulfed with the fire within me
While sitting in the calm
My hands are your hands
In the daintiness that they lay
In the chubbiness that our fingers sit
In the thickness that our nails grow
Your hands are my hands
In the way that you snap your fingers as you dance
And flip your long hair
And twirl your rings
My hands are your hands
And it is a beautiful reminder everyday that you are still with me
I love that I think of you
In the moments that I am the most myself
In the moments that I am the most bare
In the moments that I am just me
You pop into my mind
I love that I think of you
In the moments that I am so passionate
When I sing my heart out
When I dance spontaneously
You pop into my mind
I love that I think of you
When I imagine strength
When I watch movies where a woman kicks ass
When I hear songs of a woman’s worth
I know you are near me
and, I will forever
Love that.
Sometimes
I look out into the city
And I feel so immensely small
I think about all the stories left
To be told
I think about all the unheard
Teardrops
All the shoulderless cries
I see a husband
Fighting with his wife
I envision a teenager crying in her loneliness
I see a girl
Sitting in the middle of her room
Amidst all the mess
But I also see cuddles before an open fire
I hear whispers
I hear laughter
I look out into the city and
Although my world
Is
MY ENTIRE WORLD
It just really makes me see
That it’s so very little
In the grand scheme of things
Sitting upon the dock one day
I stared out into the ocean
Deep blue waters
Swelling with each wave
And appeared such a notion
The fear of what is down there
Underneath the billowing sea
The fear of what is buried, deep inside of me
What creatures linger ?
What monsters hide ?
As I cry my tears into the brine
What may jump out as the waves flux in ?
Flux out?
What secrets lie in that sharp-toothed mouth?
As I stare forward into the offing
See the tide rise
And rise
I think about the ways
I am like the ocean
About the deep things
That I hide inside
I think about how the current washes up
The undesirables
And the depth
renders them untouchable
they feed and they grow
yet they lay dormant
undetectable
Sitting upon the dock that day, I feel the waves rock me
to and fro
I wonder what the ocean thinks of me
knowing all I know
Odd that it seems like a place of perfection
Empty valley
Like a cave within the ground
High walls made of grass
Sun touching every surface
Except the one place right in the middle
One tree
Providing much needed protection from the light
I want to lay there
I want to lay there all day
With my dog
And a ball
When you saw the world as beautiful
then watched it tear right down the seams
Nothing is ever as beautiful
As you hoped for it to be
She said your name yesterday
I had forgotten about the good days
Four years had already passed
I didn’t think of us much
Memories were filtered by my teeth
As I vented back then
about the days my heart broke
The disgusting taste that was left on my tongue
As I flossed the plaque away
The tears
Salty
hypertension
Carotid artery disease
As the poison clogged
the path in which my blood
Could run
Restricted blood flow
I once couldn’t breathe
then I found happiness
Living in the life
That was void of
You
but
she said you name yesterday
She reminded me of the way
We spent every lazy day
She reminded me of the way
We cuddled on the couch
movie after movie
Of the way you caressed my cheek in the middle of a party
To make sure I knew I was loved
I remembered how you stayed in bed with me until I fell asleep
Even when you had company
You were never afraid to hold my hand
You were proud to call me yours
You were dangerous
and it was good for me
Like comfort food
You were a fireplace
And a warm blanket
But you were lightning
As well as thunder
I didn’t know you would cause my storm
I said your name to her yesterday
I really had forgotten about the good days
And for a moment
She made me forget all about the bad
But you did cause my storm
Your fire burned down my home
And I built my new life
Without you
Sincerely,
An introverted dreamer that doesn’t want her madness to be silenced 💋
This wasn’t her first time
She knew what she was doing to herself
What she didn’t know was what she was doing to the ones around her
She looked back at a text message
“I can’t do this anymore”
Unrecognizable
She asks
“Did I write this? When?!”
He tells her
“Right before”
He tried to persuade her to eat a little more
“I’m depressed”
She says
He puts her favorite show
She reaches out her hand to feel his skin
He tries so hard to stay reassuring
The way he looks at her while she’s sleeping
The sadness in his eyes
Longing for the woman he fell in love with
The wish that he could take her pain away
He loves her so much
She knows she loves him too
Just sometimes
Her depression doesn’t let it matter
How do I feel whole
When my heart is scattered?
Scattered along the paths I’ve walked
Like breadcrumbs to remind me of my journey
I can look behind me
And see the pieces of my heart
The pieces that are too far to see
I can feel
Like a sonar when I close my eyes
Like blips on a radar
Yes
He is my heart
He is my home
He is my future
He sits within the walls of my chest
And he beats with synchronicity
But
Pieces of my heart are oversees
Pieces of me that I know I need
I live each day without them near
But these women are forever a part of me
And the 5 pieces of me
Cut from some of the same cloth
Like a quilt
Different parts
but beautiful
if only
We were given the chance
To stitch a stitch
And bridge the gap
but
We are still pieces
Scraps
And she
Love at first sight
I could say
From kinder
To always love from afar
Months without speaking
But words full
of every day that wasn’t spoken
And you,
Forever
Will be my other half
Getting me through my teenage years
5 pieces of your own
Cut from your cloth
How much I yearn to be a part of your journey
How much I wish I was a part
Of their world
But as it is,
Distance is against us
Time is before us
But there will always be
a you and me
And her
We do not speak now
But she was
my knowledge and my strength
As much as I was self aware before
She made me look inward and reflect
she has made me grow
I am a better woman now because of her
I am a better partner
I am a better friend
And I am a better person to myself
She might not know that she holds a piece of my heart
Even when I talked to her every day
But my life would not have been the same without her
I’ve grown in every way
Last but not least and definitely not all
She is almost my mirror
The same heart
The same loyalty
A ride or die
My one and only
Bestie on the dance floor
Partner in crime
If you were beside me
I know that you would
Rock every adventure, unquestioningly
As I live my life
On the road to my future
All these pieces of my heart
I feel them
Blips on my radar
A magnet in my gut
Pulling
Because I want you all near me
I wonder where life will take us all
I guess
Wait and see
❤ ❤ I hope you all know who you are ❤ ❤
He looks at me
But he does not see me
He sees through me
But not to my soul
his eyes
Dark
Black
Lost
They dart from corner to corner
Not sure of where he is
Not sure of who he is
They pass judgment on you and I am so sorry
They tell me you are homeless
They tell my you are a drunk
They tell me that you are alone
I want to tell you that you are not alone
Do not be afraid
I will fight to know who you are
I will fight for the family that may be looking for you
I will search for the kids you may have
I will look for you inside your lost mind
You may not have a home
You may be a drunk
But I will fight forever to know your story
I will look forever for your truth
You are a human being
With a soul
And a heart
Even if you do not know
who you are
I wonder sometimes
How you smile throughout the day
As you live in your façade
Preaching for others to live their life
As you flaunt yours
But
Do not forget that I know
What lies beneath your skin
I know the creature being held back
By your dental veneer jail cell
The beautiful smile you flash
As that jaw is clenched
“do not let that monster out”
You tell yourself
But
Don’t forget
I know what lies within your heart
Your favorite paintings
Are those where your eyes are shut
Because you cannot stand to see the reflection
Of your soul
Seeping through the canvas
The fear of the realization of your dark heart
Frightens you
Because
Who are you?
If you are not caring
If you are not selfless
If your heart has not been touched by darkness
But
Don’t forget
I know what you are capable of
And if I were you
I wouldn’t want to look at my reflection
Either
Flipping through the stationary pictures
Smelling the dress you left behind
Reading the words you left on paper
Collecting the scraps of what is left of you
All of a sudden I hear your voice
Radiating from the pinpoint speakers of my phone
I hear your laughter
I hear you giggle
Tears streamed from my eyes
But I must say
It was such a
Treat
#FOWC
#Treat
“Masochist!”
you scream
It’s the only definition you could think of
For the reason she stays there,
Unmoved
“Must be some kind of pleasure she gets”
You think,
“to be teased as she does”
You watch her
Looking up at the dreams she has built
Heart growing with each pump
Practically glowing from her chest
As she awaits the arrival
Only to watch it be torn from the sky
You see her
Not a flinch
But silently
You gasp in horror
As she crouches on all fours
Bones cracking
Skin ripping
You watch
As she howls at the moon
“all you have to do is walk away”
You say
“the sun will never stop being torn away every night,
The moon will not ever stop being full at least once”
You claim
“this cycle will never change!
Please”
You say
“just walk away”
She looks at you
Tears in her eyes
Dampening the soul
She shed
Sprawled out on the floor
“but he is my full moon”
She whimpers
“he shines bright for me”
She whispers
“he makes me feel alive”
She cries
With all hope gone
You hide your face to say
“masochist…
Just walk away”
Those moments reappear
at times
the most unexpected
-Driving
-Singing
Like being hit by a semi
Heart drops
Tear drops
Pit in my stomach
Where it seems my heart
Has found a new home
She likes to find herself
On this trampoline
That feeling
Flying
And the loss of ground while falling
Up
Down
Up
Down
Each time breaking
Little tears
Mini scars
Myocarditis
Heart failure
Working so hard
Just to feel alive
Just to feel
Loved
Finally unpacking my life from April
Going through the nik-naks
Smelling your favorite dress
With no hint of you left on it
Just the aroma of packing boxes
Hint of dust
Filtering among the cherished
And the heartbroken
Pictures that I saw the day we laid you to rest
Evidence that you loved us all so much more than we knew
Undeniable proof that you longed for us the same way
We longed for you
I hold each piece of your jewelry
As if
Somehow
If I could just gather them all
I could put you back together again
The necklace you wore the day you left us
The matching ring
The turquoise
The gold
The hearts
The stones
Holding each piece
Like each piece holds a piece of your soul
Maybe if I could just soak all of it in
I could have you back in my life
An old fashioned camera
Rolls of film
How I long for each roll
To fill me with memories I never had
Memories of your life that I never got to see lived
There is nothing more that I wish
Than to feel connected to you
Wishing I could wear every piece of jewelry at once
Wishing I could see life through your eyes
Read all the words that were written
As you bore your soul
All I have left are your pieces
Your pages
And what I really wish
Is to have you
Forgive me LORD
I do not think I have truly prayed to you
Since the day that you took her home
It is not for lack of love
It is not for lack of want
It is not for gain of hatred
It is not for gain of loss
Maybe I am not ready yet
For the floods to pour in
Maybe I am breathless
For the gasp of surprise has taken me
Hostage
Maybe I am at a loss for words
Because the disbelief has me gawking
I want you to know LORD
I still trust in this path you have laid out for me
I trust that everything you have done
Is never without reason
You LORD
Have my heart in your hands
And I believe you will
Mend me
Guide me
Heal me
But
Forgive me LORD
I know that I have not prayed since
The day she flew home to sit by your side
I know you have seen me try
But they were prayers of the skin and not the heart
I think
I am a little lost right now LORD
I am a little broken
But I love you
And I trust you
To make me whole again
Maybe I’ll take a page out of your story mother
It was beautiful when you played it out in my head
Green backdrop
Sun shining
The smell of pine
Or maybe forest
The smell of bark
Aroma of nature
Because you were a wild woman
That wanted to be set free
Surrounded by only those you loved
Because who would travel out to the middle of nowhere
Except for the ones that loved you just as hard
Your dress
Flowing and crimson red
Because you were not the delicate white flower
That these occasions paint people to be
You were fire
Ignited by your love for life
Fueled by your love for laughter
You glowed bright
Because the last thing you ever wanted
Was to fade into the crowd
Diamonds embedded in white gold
Laid upon a bed of moss
Because satin pillows were too fragile
For the way you planned on spending your nights
I know you mother
You would of walked that path solo
To the man who held your heart
As we all gazed upon your beauty
But I, mother
I didn’t want to walk that isle lonely
I am not sure how I will face that day
I will be filled with happiness and love
But I will also be broken
How can I hand this man my heart?
He will feel the deception
He will feel it light
For it lost its fullness
When I lost you
How mother?
How will I have the strength
To put on that dress
The strength you had in crimson red
I will crack in eggshell white
How will I hear the echo of the song?
The song of a story that is about to begin
When all I will hear is a reminder
Of when the echo of your laughter
ceased to exist
I will imagine you there, mother
I will save you a seat
I will hold your hand
I will save you a dance, mother
Because that is all I can do
That’s all that I can
I will wear crimson upon my chest
To give me your strength
I will place the rainforest upon
My table tops to represent
Freedom
To represent
Life
I will surround myself with the people
I love
and the people that love me just as hard
I will fill my life with laughter
Because that is the only way I will be able
To keep you alive in my life
I will try not to taint every happy moment
with the sadness of my loss
I will try not to grey out every sunshine
With the rainclouds of my tears
But I don’t think my future chapters
Will ever be as bright, mother
I don’t think my story will ever be As beautiful
as the story you painted me
Because every chapter I write
from Now on
will be void of your presence
Will be void of you voice
Will be void of your smile
Will be void of a giant piece of me
In one phone call, my world came colliding down
“she will miss you” – he said
As a crackle in his voice slipped through the telephone waves
Thousands of miles away
That heartbreak only took a millisecond to deliver
Even at that moment
I felt emptiness
Yet disbelief
There is no way that the fire in her has been distinguished
There is no way that the light in her had gone dark
With closed eyes
And a deep inhale
I cannot explain what I feel inside
The closest person to me is no longer existent on this earth
My best friend is no longer just a phone call away
The only person that made me laugh from my gut is gone
She was the one and
only one
It’s preposterous the way one’s world completely gets turned inside out
Like the universe just reached in and
pulled my last laughter right from my mouth
It’s insane how my world just took a standstill
But nothing around me stopped moving
Life will not stop for a life lost
The world does not stop turning just because mine toppled from its axis
Other people still need me
although I have not much to give
My future calls me
Although all I want is some time to breathe
Responsibilities demand me
Despite the fact that my brain wishes all too much
Just not to think
I still cannot fathom that you are not just spending your days
On the other side of the world
Awake while I slumber
I cannot understand
That I will no longer see you online
And write you just to bother
I will miss the
“hey baby”
To my
“hey mama”
I do not know how to say “goodbye”
Mother
Because the world keeps spinning for me to move forward
But my heart keeps reminding me
That you are no longer moving forward with me
A picture
Does not give justice
To what the eyes can see
The sparkles of the life below
The blackness of the sea
Each lantern
A life that I could never know
The sun set sky
Vast in darkness
Allowing the life of night
Glow
I want to capture this beauty
Show you
Somehow explain
But this lens does not compare
No picture within its frame
the peace that I feel
The sight that my eyes behold
Will sit in a space within my heart
That no one else will ever know
Its funny the way he treats me like treasure
As if
he is blown away that I am even in his possession
As if
Someone might try and steal me away at any moment
As if
I may be made of gold
He jokes
As if I fight away wolves on a daily
He acts as if I am the most beautiful woman
On this planet
He treats me
Like I am something so exquisitely rare and special
And every time
It boggles me
If only I could see myself through his eyes
If only I could feel what he feels when he touches me
If only my reflection
Was a mirror through his thoughts
Because I do not see what he sees in me
I do not know what he cherishes so dearly
But every time he calls me beautiful
A small chip on my shoulder is filled
Every time he tells he loves me exactly how I am
A small scratch is buffed out of my veneer
He doesn’t realize how beautiful he makes me feel
He doesn’t know that through his eyes
He saves me every day
And one day
I hope my own eyes will do the same
I know it was just an
Ice cream cake
But it really was so much more
It was the evisceration of all the sadness
Spanning two failed relationships sitting within my gut
It was the eradication of ten years worth of broken promises
It was the first heartbeat that knew that it was heard
It was just an ice cream cake
It was calories
And chocolate
It was just dessert that said “happy birthday”
But to me
It was a sign that said
You cared when no one else would
It said you listened
When everyone else heard none
It said SELFLESSNESS
Because I knew you would never have a bite
It said that even though you wanted to give me more
You thought of me
It wasn’t until my 30th birthday
That I thought to myself
I am finally with a man that sincerely
loves me
Somewhere deep inside of me
There is a glimmer of hope
A spark of life
An anchor
Keeping me grounded
Just to you
Somewhere deep inside of me
Under years of confusion
Beneath the rubble of many long fought wars
Buried within the ashes of the reborn phoenix
As it bursts into flames and is reborn again and again
Somewhere in this body of mine
Lost among the towers of memories
The emotions that I hoard
There is a tether
Constructed of diamonds
Embedded in titanium
Followed all the way to the end
And it is you
But how
How can I breathe
When I am saturated full with my tears
Dehydrated from the loss of my efforts
And drowning from my lungs brimming
With the need to scream
How will we survive
When the lack of windows
And my boiling blood
Create an atmosphere so dense
Most times we are so blinded
We cannot see
How will we push forward when beneath all the garbage
Mold is growing, overwhelmingly so
We are silently poisoning ourselves
We will one day be so nauseatingly sick
The sight of each other will undoubtedly
Bring us straight to our knees
Please
Explain to me
We can either
Suffocate within the flames
Drag each other down
We can spend a lifetime
Trying to find our way
Untying our knots
Tripping over the piles of bad dreams
Search for all the keys to unlock all the locks
Scrambling to find the exit sign on different ends of this room
Stomping on top of each other as we fight to find our way there
Or
We can box up the nightmares
Send them off to, who cares where
Sweep up the ashes
Into urns
Place them on mantles
To remind us that we have been through it all
And yet we are still here
Fighting
Not just to survive
But to survive together
Each urn
A decorated trophy
We have been through the worst
Yet this tether has shown no wear
We can pack up the memories
Store them in a place not to be forgotten
But to be forgiven
Because without them, who would we be,
Anyway?
We can give a good scrub
Buff the scars off of the floors
Wax the tile
So we can continue dancing
Without the friction of our history
Slowing us down
Because underneath all
The Bullshit
You are exactly who I want to call home
in a state of limbo
during a time when I experienced the most change
picking up my entire life for a new one
Molding me into a robot
working toward growth and improvement
yet stagnant in life
not wanting to let go
because letting go means
goodbye
Because in one word, a whole life is erased
As if the last 6 years of my life meant nothing
as if the fights didn’t make us better and stronger people
as if the make ups didn’t mean we were so perfect for each other
like the children we acquired together
were no longer mine to love
saying goodbye
means
that the tears I cried into beach towels and tee shirts were washed away and dried at the laundry mat
ironed out
every wrinkle and crease in my life
straightened out
with no hint of what was once there
the bleach from the laundry mat
the aroma
so pungent
the smell of
goodbye
it burns my nostrils
it stings my eyes
yet I stand there
watching my life turn round and round
like the clothes in the washer
encompassed in the bubbles
and when that light turns on
“ready for bleach”
I pour in that goodbye
slowly
reminiscently
watching every stain I’ve obtained
wash away
like the 6 years I have spent with you
dissipating into the bubbles
as I fold my clothes
carefully
I think
this is what I am going to wear tomorrow
a new day
a new life
stepping out of
limbo
What is it that haunts you, boy ?
The acid that you spit from between your teeth
The venom you conjure within your bowels
Created by the hatred that you boil within
Waiting for your top to explode
What is it that is paining you, boy?
I see between the hateful words that you spew
I see beneath the anti-Semitism
I see that under all the hate you have for her
You want her love
Maybe her approval
What happened along the way
That made her lose you?
What happened along the way
To make you think that flying was the only way out?
At 12 years old, how could you think that your only option
Was to take away choice?
I watch you throw your belongings
I watch as you break your only valuables
I listen as you joke about how little life means to you
About how your dying body is a body that you have no intention
Of saving
Nothing I say will make a difference now
I see that all I say is not even heard
But I hope one day, boy
You find all the answers that you need
I hope that one day your heart is filled with love
And you could show the world that the hurt does not
Control you
via The Daily Post: Uncompromising
You
Faceless joker
Hooded creature
You
Core laugher
Ice cold hugger
You
Uncompromising dealer
Indian giver
I said I want to make you a deal
Give her more time
You can have mine
Do not walk away from me
Eyeless sockets
Do not look away from my glare
You are not free from handicap
I see you do not glide like history portrays you
The scythe you carry
Brings fear to those
whose clock chimes
It’s time to meet you
I see
It is not a weapon
It is your aid
You are not free from decline and decay
You
Faceless joker
It is not a joke to me
Deal I said
Just compromise
I beg you
Don’t take her from me
You
Hooded creature
Heartless monster
Uncompromising dealer
I said
I want to make a deal
You awoken the fire inside of me – FACT
You lifted me higher than I had ever been – FACT
I had never felt more beautiful than when I was in your arms – FACT
And yet
You broke me – FACT
You didn’t just not catch me when I fell
You dropped me – FACT
You reminded me that I was fire
And then made me feel as though
That fire just wasn’t enough – FACT
But amidst the flames
The soot
The smoke
I was reborn – FACT
And I love the person you reminded me that I am
—- FACT
I hear the crack in her voice when she calls
The happiness to hear me speak
And the instant regret that I answered
Because she will never see me again
She rushes off to say “I love you”
And hangs up the phone
I am already in tears by the time I say hello
My love for you spans oceans
And I am not ready for a goodbye
There will never be a right scenario
There will never be a perfect moment
I will never be okay
To having a sunrise without you on this earth
Saying goodbye with your hand in mine
Singing goodbye across the seas
Goodbye is a song that will never be okay
With me
We hardly speak now
For as I am rising
You are deep in dreams
The last time we saw each other
I did not want to pry you from my grasp
Yet we both stood strong
“goodbye”
As I hugged you
As I waved
As I looked on
Cars drifting apart
Distance
As you flew farther and farther from me
My heart pulled like a magnet
I wanted you back
Knots in my throat
Please don’t let that be the last time
I am not ready to say goodbye
I hope that you know how deeply your blood runs through my veins
I hope you know, that you are the one person I love the most
My heart swells because of the love that you have given me throughout my lifetime
Every kiss you planted on my forehead
Every time you wrapped me and coddled me when I was sick
Trips to the library, while you listened to me read to you
You are the definition of what my heart is filled with
And I will not know how not to cry
When you are gone
Please don’t tell me that was our last
Goodbye
Because I need you here
Every morning
To say
“Hello”
I watch him
As he leaves you Puzzled
When together
I glare with a little envy
The way he caresses your face
The way he holds your hand
Appearing as though he is the luckiest man in the world
Kisses as though he needs you
Guides you as though he wants to protect you from harm
But the spin of the earth around the sun
And he transforms
Like a werewolf on a full moon
His voice
Bellowing
Sharp as knives to hurt you
Spits like daggers
Piercing words to break your heart
Speaks as though he’s okay with a life without you
It doesn’t matter if he sleeps alone
He doesn’t care who hurts you
His puzzled heart loves
No one
An introvert in all aspects
But a fire in my heart
I love to sit within the madness
Watch in utter calmness
All the while
A storm brews around me
Chaos within all four corners
Hectic vibrations
And some how
It creates a tunnel for me to focus
Like the noise forms a bubble in which I am able to
Hear my own thoughts
But filter what I need
Silence is deafening
Too much space to let my thoughts run wild
Too many paths for my imagination to run rampant
Too much quiet for my mind to absorb
My calm is within the chaos
My safety is within the lack of silence
My happiness
Is feeling the world around me
More than feeling the emotions within myself
All I ask
Is that when I am in my darkest hour
You remain my light
When I have no words
For what aches inside me
And tears fall without reason
Don’t turn to anger
Don’t question my love for you
My love for you does not wane
But All I ask
Is that when I am frozen in silence
Know there is a hurricane inside me
When my hands are clasped
As though I’d like to strangle my fingertips
Please help them breathe
Hold them gently
Cradle them warmly
For I do not mean them any harm
When you see that I am not breathing
Holding my breath
Staring out into nowhere
Just know
My mind is racing through a thousand different thoughts per minute
That one thought snowballs into more thoughts and bigger thoughts to giant ideas
Spinning so fast
Playing pictures in my mind
Scenarios that may never exist
All I ask
Is for you to slow me down
Bring me back to reality
Find a way into my eyes
Bring me back to a standstill
Because when I am lost in darkness
When I sit as though my smile has run away from me
I will need you to remind me
That I am strong
You are the coffee to my anxiety
You
Syrupy sweet
Masked by the product that brings most life
Awakening aroma
You
Are exactly what I need
To pick me up
When I am dragging on the ground
Yet you
Bring on the palpitations
You
Give me a pit in my stomach
Maybe butterflies
Maybe fear
But I cannot wake up without you
I don’t feel like smiling without you in my system
You are the coffee to my anxiety
I crave you
Addicted to you
But you are no good for me
Sea cliff, next exit, it said
And She thought ….
cliff ….
“I can jump off one of those”
As he asked her for help
I knew it wasn’t easy
Pride aside
Ego tucked in
But she couldn’t bother to
Look up
The selfish way that she rushed to finish her laundry
Earbuds in
No worry about the pain in another man’s heart
No worry about the confusion and embarrassment
As he stared at the machines
Lost
I yearned to help him
With the words just seconds away from spilling out of my heart
someone else came to the rescue
What happened to this man
Old enough to be my grandfather
Seemingly, doing laundry for the first time
Language barrier
Midnight
There was a pain behind his eyes
Was it because he had lost his wife?
Starting over?
New life?
Is he missing that other half?
Dearly departed?
Is that why he stands here tonight?
Maybe broken-hearted ?
She couldn’t even look up from her life to see the lost in his eyes
Those were my thoughts in my mind after seeing him that night
As you walk in the door
You see me
I am not so sure what gave it away
Face turned downward
Quiet speech
You ask me what is wrong with a sincerity
That breaks my heart
I have no idea really
It is a multitude of things
It is maybe one minute detail
It is possibly just a thought
That decided to turn my day completely upside down
On the drive
I have retreated to my space
Fingers intertwined
Looking onward
Thoughts like the cars on the speedway
Blue like watching the diamond sink
To the depths of the ocean
You reach for me
Yet I am limp
Not fighting against you
But not fighting for you
All this sadness
With not one answer as to why
On and on we drive
Destination unsure
But hope in your heart
The trees part
And the crescent moon greets me
I am not so sure what it is
But it feels like
a slow deep breath
It feels like
Palms huddled around a bonfire
Like a lamp radiating its warmth upon me
I feel peace
I think to myself
It is the universe reminding me
That I have a happy ending
It is the sky telling me that I am not alone
It is the man on the moon
Singing to me that everything will be alright
It is magic
It is all magical creatures being alive
Fairies fluttering within the weeping willows
Leprechauns scurrying beneath the hills
Its mermaids splashing in the ocean
Its dragons protecting their gold
When that crescent moon says hello to me
It tells me that there is hope in this life
It reminds me that someone loves me
And I unclasp my hands
And I reach out for his
Because I need to be his crescent moon
I need to be his magic
And He needs to know
I love him too
I’m sorry that I hate her
With every vein in my body
I hate her
Innocent bystander
To your wrong doings
You hurt me
Yet here I stand
Unwavering
By your side
when I see her
Innocent bystander
My blood boils
My fists clench
My heart drops
to the pit of my stomach
And I cannot breathe
Steam rising from my ears
But hands
Clammy as ice
She was the reason why
My heart was broken
She was the reason why
I cried sleepless nights
It was all your wrong doings
It was all your actions
And your choices
But
Here I stand
Right by your side
Sick to my stomach
Hating her
We are all liars to some extent
Compulsive
Manipulative
Liars
I know I lie
Every day
That I tell the world that I am okay
I lie with every picture that I take
The smile
As if I’m happy
The laugh
As if I know laughter
The posts of how I’m studying hard
Hiding the fear I have of failing
You
You lie
With every breath that you tell me you love me
Because how could you
When you do not know me
You lie
When you tell me not to worry
Because I see the fear in your very eyes
They lie
They lie when they tell you that life is easy
Yet their pillows hold that secrets that they fail to share
Saturated with the tears they do not speak of
I apologize because although I do not wish to be
I am a fraud
I forgive you because although I know in my heart that
You mean me no harm
You are a fraud
I cry for them
because they are unaware
They are frauds
But if we are all liars
If we are all frauds in our own regard
Then aren’t we all just telling the truth?
I’ve always believed that I had words running through my fingertips
like water through a faucet
throughout my life,
I’ve filled journal after journal
and the moment that you stepped into my life
I became a blank page
one that I could not seem to fill
you rendered me speechless
you disarmed me
unable to reload my ammo
my words morphed into emotions that I could no longer grasp
Feelings that I could no longer condense into something tangible
Thoughts that I could no longer sift through and create something as
Little as a poem
mere words could not project the tightness I feel within my chest
There is no joining of any letters that I could find to make you understand the way in which a thought of you removes all oxygen from my lungs
and the action of breathing suddenly feels labored.
How can I put into words
that being near you consumes me
pumps my body full of adrenaline
and my fingers tremble
How can i explain
that being with you transforms my legs
into nothing more than the the twigs of a seedling
My body weak
My senses enhanced
How do I tell you
that the thought of your smile warms my heart as I physically feel it swelling
Overwhelmed by the love and compassion you show me
Overflowing with the patience and care you constantly flow in my direction
You love me when I lose the strength to love myself
You have shown me what love really is
You have shown me what it feels like to be loved
You have shown me what it looks like to stare into the eyes of someone who is in love
You are my soulmate
You are my other half
You are the only one I see beside me
My partner in crime
My forever dance partner
You are my one and only
how do you know you’re in love?
with a head full of jumbled up thoughts
and a heart stuffed with tangled emotions
where does the thinking stop?
where do the feelings begin?
to feel as though-
as though –
and there I go….
not even knowing how to finish that sentence
not being able to comprehend the words that pop into my mind
when I think of YOU
its like an ongoing debate within my head
about what I feel, how I should feel, why I’m feeling them
and every reason why I should just NOT
everything within me screaming
I don’t know, I don’t know, I don’t know
but what I do know is
when I’m not around you
you are all I want to be around
in your presence, we can sit in silence
different corners of the room, opposite directions
but I am happy enclosed in the same four walls as you
within a lovers embrace
I keep my distance
I don’t want my heart to go
where we allow our bodies to travel
a dance of contradictions
what should be moments of intimacy
become moments of purposeful detachment
it is, what it is, what it is
my favorite moments
are the moments after
because somewhere in these moments after
I become bare
guard down and exposed
I allow myself to feel vulnerable
to let you know I need your embrace
to feel your fingers intertwine with mine
to feel you arms around my waist
the comfort of feeling so small and protected
as your lips press against my forehead
but when that moment passes
when the sun rises
when I awake from that dream
I am confronted with the confusing feeling
what is love?
is it love, when I crave these moments outside of the bedroom?
is it love, when I sit at your passenger side and wish my hand was nestled in yours?
is it love, when you are sitting down and although there are a million chairs surrounding me, all I want is to be on your lap?
is it love, when we lock eyes and I want you to kiss me?
not just with your lips
but a kiss from your heart like the longing I see in your eyes.
so there it is,
what I feel, In a nutshell
but then, it doesn’t even begin to encompass the reality of my inner debate
because after we lock eyes
because after I see the longing in your gaze
I am paralyzed with fear
does that look reflect what I hope your heart speaks?
but even if it did….
what then.
the fear of being rejected can do many things to a person,
make them say things they do not mean
make them rationalize reasons that do not make sense,
come to conclusions that do not exist,
all to save their heart from another heartbreak
what if I tell you how I feel,
and you tell me you do not reciprocate?
or worse?
what if, what if we try and we fail?
what if the beauty of another, take your eyes away from me?
what if the memories of an old love
shadow our memories of us?
what if you love me today,
but do not love me tomorrow?
what would exist of what is left of my heart if I allow myself to take this guard down?
fold it neatly
tuck it down beneath the socks in the drawer
to allow that look I see in your eyes
pull every brick down from my walls,
-to let you hug me….
because in all honesty
you haven’t really hugged me,
arm in arm, body against body,
but there has been an invisible cellophane wrap
in between us the entire time
keeping my heart tucked neatly in my drawer
safe –
from jumping right into your hands
I was so engulfed in loving you
immersed in the idea of us
in the idea of you
I began to lose the woman I was
the woman I AM
tossing my interests aside
willing to forgo my passions
relinquish my pleasures
just to be with you
now, where am I?
not in the literal sense
not even in any other sense
just, who am I really?
having to relearn what my interests really are
needing to reignite the fire that was inside of me
thinking back to when and what truly brought pleasure to my life
and then, picking up a pen
placing it on paper
well…
that feels familiar
flipping through pages in a book
reawakening imagination
laughing again
not just a smirk
not just a giggle
but to howl in hysterics
soaking in the emotions and thoughts of others
enabling me to
pour out the emotions and thoughts of my own
and then I think I see a sparkle
better yet, a spark
taking a deep breath
filling my lungs with oxygen
allowing me to finally breathe
O how that glimmer of light
caught fire
O how that coldness turned to
warmth
I can feel myself returning
Out of the darkness
Into my heart
rediscovering what life is like
in a world
devoid of your presence
unearthing
the ability to live a life
where not every minute
every moment
of my day
is engrossed
in thinking about what you need
with you missing from my life
you would think my days would feel
empty
I was terrified that
the hole in my heart that you filled
would be again hollow
but I am taken aback,
astonished even,
that my heart is not vacant
it is filled with the ability
to love myself again
my days are no longer
light steps
fearing
the cracking of an eggshell
my moments are no longer chained
by the restrictions
of your opinions
your stares
your disapproval
my ears are filled with music
the melody of being able to be myself
the song of a woman
who calls her shots
who makes her moves
who learns to move on
my floors are rugged
because I no longer tip toe
through my life
I stomp my way through
I dance my way onward
and although I miss you
the rediscovery
of who I am
the unearthing
of what makes me truly happy
is enough to make me smile
you may think
hell hath no fury
like a woman scorned
but I tell you
it is not the fury
you need to be afraid of
you may think
the hurricane
the damage
the destruction
is what causes
your fear
your angst
your panic
but I tell you
fear the calm after the storm
fear the silence
panic when all you hear
is your own solitary breath
because honey
at least while the hurricane demolishes
while the ride is tumultuous
you are fighting for something
you are struggling for a life
you are holding on for one second more
of the life you lived
when that disaster leaves
you may be able to breathe
for a second
you may be able to see
and then
you realize
she left with everything you
had ever known
everything you loved
and you lay alone within the rubble
sitting in the calm after the storm
We knew what we were getting into
When we set ourselves on the path
Of falling in love
The stars sang it to be so
They said our skulls would be so thick
We wouldn’t hear the mumbles coming from each others lips
They said we would fight to be together
Yet our long horns would keep us distanced from the start
Our horns
They twist within each other
Entangle us
And as hard as we fought to be together
We fought just as hard to pull each other apart
They said
The fire in our hearts would draw us toward one another
Like moths to a flame
A fire we knew that enticed us
A fire we felt from each other
For each other
No one else was to blame
But as our fires grew
One had to engulf another
As we both burned so brightly
Unknowingly depleting all the oxygen
Until we could no longer breathe
Glaring
Who would dare say it first ?
“I WILL NOT BE TAMED!”
The war between what I believe to be true
And what my demons whisper
Take my faith on a whirlwind roller coaster
I am sorry that I hurt you
That I take your love
And your care
That I take your gentle caress
And each inch of effort that you make
I am sorry that I watch you as you grow
And sink into the warmth that is your gaze
Yet you still have to sing to me
“believe me”
I cry to you
I’m so sorry
But I do…
The hilarious thing is
Deep down in my soul
Underneath all the cracks
Of broken
I believe you
But here I am asking you
Please tell me again
Remind me again that you love me
Remind me again that the love in your eyes
Land only on me
Sing to me again the song
That no other woman can replace me
Sing to me until your vocal cords snap
When you cannot sing anymore
Please baby write to me
Write to me love letters
Write to me the reasons you love every part of me
Write to me in beautiful script
Until your fingers bleed
Switch to your other hand
And baby write legibly
If I cannot read you
Honey, I cannot believe you
I see the agony I put you through
You do not deserve this certain uncertainty
You do not deserve my questions
My demands
you do not deserve for me to beg of you
After every single sunrise
And before every single sunset
to
“Please
Make me believe”
Continue reading “The war between what I “believe” to be true”
Eerie it sounds
Terrifying to most
But somehow
My first thought was
I’d like to go there
How scary could the lost hills be
When I’m already lost Inside of me
When I’ve been running blind for years
There’s comfort in those lost hills
Where one is meant to be lost
Where one is meant to scream
Where one is meant to be alone
That’s where I want to be
In the lost space of infinite
The Infinite space of lost
Where no one can hurt me
But me
When she comes
It may be indistinguishable to you
You glance at me
And I smile back in return
Not one dew drop on my skin
You imagine to yourself what kind of life I may have
You imagine the cupcakes I must eat for dinner
You imagine the sugar and spice I must sprinkle on every meal
You imagine the organized perfectly placed items on my desk
The friends I must surround myself with
The laughs I share
The memories I must have accumulated from the amazing life I lead
But you don’t know
You don’t know I’m tormented by something I want to call a she
Because what else could she be
She’s jealous
And controlling
She’s slick
And manipulative
She slithers gracefully
But a bite so poisonous
It creeps so slowly
Like Guillain-Barre
starting from my toes
Nerve by nerve
Muscle weakness
Lung paralysis
I cannot breathe
No strength to hold me upward
Gravity too strong it pulls me down
Fetal position
Finding the first corner
Feeling like I’m drowning
Right from within
Overflowing
Out of my tear ducts
That is what she feels like
She feels like a restlessness within my body
With no strength to get up
But no strength to stay still
She feels like
Exhaling so deep
To rid the body of all its poisonous acidity
Like needing to empty out the lungs
Of all the negativity it wants to say
She’s like a werewolf
On a full moon
Howling to the pain
Cries that cannot be restricted
She’s like
A shot of epinephrine
Telling my body it needs to run
Or it needs to fight
Tachycardia
Bounding pulses
I swear in the silence of the night
When all should be calm
I could feel it
Irregular
As if each jugular had its own heart
She’s a constant worry
Distrust of the world
To feel like your most prized possession
Is not safe
She hibernates at times
But she never leaves
That is what you do not see
When you look at me
That is what you do not know
When you think you see me
But you don’t