When you think you see me

Never Silence the Madness

When she comes

It may be indistinguishable to you

You glance at me

And I smile back in return

Not one dew drop on my skin

You imagine to yourself what kind of life I may have

You imagine the cupcakes I must eat for dinner

You imagine the sugar and spice I must sprinkle on every meal

You imagine the organized perfectly placed items on my desk

The friends I must surround myself with

The laughs I share

The memories I must have accumulated from the amazing life I lead

But you don’t know

You don’t know I’m tormented by something I want to call a she

Because what else could she be

She’s jealous

And controlling

She’s slick

And manipulative

She slithers gracefully

But a bite so poisonous

It creeps so slowly

Like Guillain-Barre

starting from my toes

Nerve by nerve

Muscle weakness

Lung paralysis

I cannot breathe

View original post 206 more words

Don’t lift me up to drop me 

Never Silence the Madness

I wrote this poem September 27, 2016

I had found a happiness  but  with the same breath of this poem, and the fear of losing the love, I eventually let my anxiety tear apart what had become amazing.

Don’t you lift me up to drop me…

Don’t you dare fill me to the brim just to knock me over

The time it took to fill me

Drip by drip

Compliment after affection

Good deed after kisses on foreheads

Factor in the evaporation  equation

The occasional sip

Don’t you dare resuscitate this dying heart of mine

Just to pull the plug as I dream

As the pressure builds within my chest and the butterflies

Fling themselves against the walls of my thoracic cavity

Please don’t  intubate me

When its apparent that I can’t catch my breath

Don’t be afraid that I will detonate as the pressure becomes to strong for me…

View original post 101 more words

Dating Someone with Anxiety

-A boyfriend’s Advice

On a different post, I will dive into details about my journey with anxiety, but right now I feel like this is a post I really want to make.  What I want to say from the start is that, I am also new to anxiety, in the sense that, my awareness of it’s giant impact on my life and my actions is not even a year old.  This video that I am sharing, posted by Day By Daysia on YouTube, is a video that  I stumbled upon while scrambling to find ways to get my boyfriend to understand even a crumb of what I go through and what I need before we completely fell apart.

I want to make it clear though, that I am no way saying that this advice is the end all and be all for All people that have anxiety.  I know that everyone needs something different and expresses their anxiety in different ways.

That being said, for me personally, this video saved my life.  Not every point being made applies directly to me.  But I’ve seen it apply to people I love that suffer from anxiety as well.

Listening to this guy’s list, I learned a lot about myself and what I struggle with.  I felt less alone, hearing that another couple has dealt with the same struggles and have pulled through.  And I felt like I had something in my possession that could help open my boyfriends eyes.

According to Daysia’s boyfriend, these are some tips that he has learned along they way, after falling in love with her.

FYI: The volume on the video is very low, so you may need headphones to hear.

For a partner to someone with anxiety:

  1. Have patience
  2. Don’t judge them for something they can’t control
  3. Break down walls
  4. “your partner’s spoons”
  5. Learning to read a room
  6. Little things/gifts or gestures
  7. Being available
  8. Do not tell them to relax
  9. Stay calm

For me, patience and being available are probably the biggest thing that seem to calm my anxieties.  It’s also very important for my partner to stay calm because if he doesn’t, then we are both feeding off of this escalating energy.  That’s never good and can lead to an explosion.

I’d love to hear anyone’s opinion to this video.  I’d love to hear any tips anyone has from their own experiences .

I’m sorry that I Hate Her

I’m sorry that I hate her

With every vein in my body

I hate her

Innocent bystander

To your wrong doings

You hurt me

Yet here I stand

Unwavering

By your side

when I see her

Innocent bystander

My blood boils

My fists clench

My heart drops

to the pit of my stomach

And I cannot breathe

Steam rising from my ears

But hands

Clammy as ice

She was the reason why

My heart was broken

She was the reason why

I cried sleepless nights

It was all your wrong doings

It was all your actions

And your choices

But

Here I stand

Right by your side

Sick to my stomach

Hating her

We are all Liars to some Extent

Fraud

via Daily Prompt: Fraud

We are all liars to some extent

Compulsive

Manipulative

Liars

 

I know I lie

Every day

That I tell the world that I am okay

I lie with every picture that I take

The smile

As if I’m happy

The laugh

As if I know laughter

 

The posts of how I’m studying hard

Hiding the fear I have of failing

 

You

You lie

With every breath that you tell me you love me

Because how could you

When you do not know me

 

You lie

When you tell me not to worry

Because I see the fear in your very eyes

 

They lie

They lie when they tell you that life is easy

Yet their pillows hold that secrets that they fail to share

Saturated with the tears they do not speak of

 

I apologize because although I do not wish to be

I am a fraud

I forgive you because although I know in my heart that

You mean me no harm

You are a fraud

I cry for them

because they are unaware

They are frauds

 

But if we are all liars

If we are all frauds in our own regard

 

Then aren’t we all just telling the truth?

Words Running through my Fingertips

I’ve always believed that I had words running through my fingertips

 

like water through a faucet

 

throughout my life,

I’ve filled journal after journal

 

and the moment that you stepped into my life

I became a blank page

 

one that I could not seem to fill

 

you rendered me speechless

you disarmed me

 

unable to reload my ammo

 

my words morphed into emotions that I could no longer grasp

 

Feelings that I could no longer condense into something tangible

 

Thoughts that I could no longer sift through and create something as

Little as a poem

 

mere words could not project the tightness I feel within my chest

 

There is no joining of any letters that I could find to make you understand the way in which a thought of you removes all oxygen from my lungs

 

and the action of breathing suddenly feels labored.

 

How can I put into words

that being near you consumes me

 

pumps my body full of adrenaline

and my fingers tremble

 

How can i explain

that being with you transforms my legs

into nothing more than the the twigs of a seedling

 

My body weak

My senses enhanced

 

How do I tell you

that the thought of your smile warms my heart as I physically feel it swelling

 

Overwhelmed by the love and compassion you show me

 

Overflowing with the patience and care you constantly flow in my direction

 

You love me when I lose the strength to love myself

 

You have shown me what love really is

You have shown me what it feels like to be loved

You have shown me what it looks like to stare into the eyes of someone who is in love

 

You are my soulmate

You are my other half

You are the only one I see beside me

My partner in crime

My forever dance partner

 

You are my one and only

 

 

 

 

Heart full of Tangled Emotions

how do you know you’re in love?

with a head full of jumbled up thoughts

and a heart stuffed with tangled emotions

where does the thinking stop?

where do the feelings begin?

to feel as though-

as though –

and there I go….

not even knowing how to finish that sentence

not being able to comprehend the words that pop into my mind

when I think of YOU

its like an ongoing debate within my head

about what I feel, how I should feel, why I’m feeling them

and every reason why I should just NOT

everything within me screaming

I don’t know, I don’t know, I don’t know

but what I do know is

when I’m not around you

you are all I want to be around

in your presence, we can sit in silence

different corners of the room, opposite directions

but I am happy enclosed in the same four walls as you

within a lovers embrace

I keep my distance

I don’t want my heart to go

where we allow our bodies to travel

a dance of contradictions

what should be moments of intimacy

become moments of purposeful detachment

it is, what it is, what it is

my favorite moments

are the moments after

because somewhere in these moments after

I become bare

guard down and exposed

I allow myself to feel vulnerable

to let you know I need your embrace

to feel your fingers intertwine with mine

to feel you arms around my waist

the comfort of feeling so small and protected

as your lips press against my forehead

but when that moment passes

when the sun rises

when I awake from that dream

I am confronted with the confusing feeling

what is love?

is it love, when I crave these moments outside of the bedroom?

is it love, when I sit at your passenger side and wish my hand was nestled in yours?

is it love, when you are sitting down and although there are a million chairs surrounding me, all I want is to be on your lap?

is it love, when we lock eyes and I want you to kiss me?

not just with your lips

but a kiss from your heart like the longing I see in your eyes.

so there it is,

what I feel, In a nutshell

but then, it doesn’t even begin to encompass the reality of my inner debate

because after we lock eyes

because after I see the longing in your gaze

I am paralyzed with fear

does that look reflect what I hope your heart speaks?

but even if it did….

what then.

the fear of being rejected can do many things to a person,

make them say things they do not mean

make them rationalize reasons that do not make sense,

come to conclusions that do not exist,

all to save their heart from another heartbreak

what if I tell you how I feel,

and you tell me you do not reciprocate?

or worse?

what if, what if we try and we fail?

what if the beauty of another, take your eyes away from me?

what if the memories of an old love

shadow our memories of us?

what if you love me today,

but do not love me tomorrow?

what would exist of what is left of my heart if I allow myself to take this guard down?

fold it neatly

tuck it down beneath the socks in the drawer

to allow that look I see in your eyes

pull every brick down from my walls,

-to let you hug me….

because in all honesty

you haven’t really hugged me,

arm in arm, body against body,

but there has been an invisible cellophane wrap

in between us the entire time

keeping my heart tucked neatly in my drawer

safe –

from jumping right into your hands

Howl in hysterics

I was so engulfed in loving you

immersed in the idea of us

in the idea of you

I began to lose the woman I was

the woman I AM

tossing my interests aside

willing to forgo my passions

relinquish my pleasures

just to be with you

now, where am I?

not in the literal sense

not even in any other sense

just, who am I really?

having to relearn what my interests really are

needing to reignite the fire that was inside of me

thinking back to when and what truly brought pleasure to my life

and then, picking up a pen

placing it on paper

well…

that feels familiar

flipping through pages in a book

reawakening imagination

laughing again

not just a smirk

not just a giggle

but to howl in hysterics

soaking in the emotions and thoughts of others

enabling me to

pour out the emotions and thoughts of my own

and then I think I see a sparkle

better yet, a spark

taking a deep breath

filling my lungs with oxygen

allowing me to finally breathe

O how that glimmer of light

caught fire

O how that coldness turned to

warmth

I can feel myself returning

Out of the darkness

Into my heart

I dance my way onward

rediscovering what life is like

in a world

devoid of your presence

unearthing

the ability to live a life

where not every minute

every moment

of my day

is engrossed

in thinking about what you need

with you missing from my life

you would think my days would feel

empty

I was terrified that

the hole in my heart that you filled

would be again hollow

but I am taken aback,

astonished even,

that my heart is not vacant

it is filled with the ability

to love myself again

my days are no longer

light steps

fearing

the cracking of an eggshell

my moments are no longer chained

by the restrictions

of your opinions

your stares

your disapproval

my ears are filled with music

the melody of being able to be myself

the song of a woman

who calls her shots

who makes her moves

who learns to move on

my floors are rugged

because I no longer tip toe

through my life

I stomp my way through

I dance my way onward

and although I miss you

the rediscovery

of who I am

the unearthing

of what makes me truly happy

is enough to make me smile

Woman Scorned

you may think

hell hath no fury

like a woman scorned

but I tell you

it is not the fury

you need to be afraid of

you may think

the hurricane

the damage

the destruction

is what causes

your fear

your angst

your panic

but I tell you

fear the calm after the storm

fear the silence

panic when all you hear

is your own solitary breath

because honey

at least while the hurricane demolishes

while the ride is tumultuous

you are fighting for something

you are struggling for a life

you are holding on for one second more

of the life you lived

when that disaster leaves

you may be able to breathe

for a second

you may be able to see

and then

you realize

she left with everything you

had ever known

everything you loved

and you lay alone within the rubble

sitting in the calm after the storm

Goals for 2018

Facing the end of 2017 means a lot of different things to me.  I started this journey in 2014, moving to Southern California alone almost on a whim when I got accepted into a nursing program.  2014 was a year of changes for me.  It was a year of GIANT decisions.  It was a year of letting go and learning how to love myself.  It was a year of learning how to exist when you are no longer one half of a whole…. but the whole.  That was major to me.  I had spent ten years of my life being someones partner and I was all of a sudden faced with time to make decisions solely for my benefit.  I was faced with making choices just because I wanted to make them, not needing to be considerate of how my choices were going to affect my other half because I wasn’t a half any longer.

Fast forward…three years, I went through numerous challenges.  I took some time away from school and now after being on pause for a little while, I am back on the path to graduating.  Coming to the end of 2017, I am filled with joy that I am one step closer to accomplishing this goal that I started in 2014.  I have discovered things about myself that I hadn’t fully understood.  I have overcome a few really heavy bouts of anxiety and I have grown stronger.

Thanks to a blog that I read earlier by Discovering your happiness celebrating the accomplishments of this year, anticipating the marvelousness of the rest of the year, and contemplating the goals of the future, I have decided to put some thought about my goals for 2018 as well.

Some of my major goals are

❤ graduating on time in June

❤ passing the NCLEX soon after

❤ Getting hired as an RN

❤ enrolling in a BSN program

some of my personal goals are

❤ getting some money in my savings account

❤ finally reaching my goal weight

❤ upgrading my laptop

❤ hopefully getting a car

some of my mental health goals are

❤ taking part in a dance class that is a little more advanced than beginner

❤ overcoming my fears and singing karaoke outside of the comfort of my four walls

❤ learning how to feel confident and beautiful without the cover of make up on my face or an app filter to hide my imperfections

❤ realistically maybe being able to minimize the # of  full on panic attacks to like 2

❤ learning how to be a little bit selfish, because I have a problem with giving and giving and then feeling very empty when I’m left to struggle alone.  I’m not saying its bad to be giving, but sometimes a person can put themselves on the back burner because of their love for other people and hurt themselves over and over in the process.  It is time for self love.

okay, all of that sounds like way too much to focus on and accomplish in one year.  It’s giving me anxiety just thinking about it lol.  But hopefully this time next year, I am checking some of those major goals off my list and on to the next.  I’m sure there are more things that I want to accomplish, but as I sit here writing, I don’t want to overwhelm myself with things that I want done.

Thank you for reading my rant ❤

*featured picture is for my grandma because besides the drive to want to accomplish these things for myself…. She is my heart, and my everything, and out all the times I could of wanted to give up, I never could let her down.  She is both my weakness and my strength and 2018 is dedicated to her and all the dreams I know she is hoping for me to accomplish.  I want her to see me graduate.  I want her to see me succeed.  If I could say my goals and choices and actions were for anyone…. it would be for her ❤

 

 

Hydration at its Finest

Does anyone  else have a weird quirk about their water bottles?  I have always been very picky about my water bottles and I have gone through many, many, many, trials and errors.   This topic may be trivial to most, but I went through a long journey to find a “perfect” water bottle.  In my twenties, I discovered the double walled water bottle and I was in love.  The double wall prevents sweating, which is amazing because that means, you electronics aren’t in danger if everything is in your backpack and your desk doesn’t end up with a puddle.  My issue with most water bottles, was the size wasn’t big enough and I knew that if I had to keep refilling the bottle, the less likely I was to drink the amount of water I was trying to drink.

Another thing that was important to me was that I needed a straw lid because I loved Ice water, room temperature water doesn’t taste very good, but the ice was too cold for my teeth if it were get into my mouth.  Silly, I know, but it was still a point in my journey for the “perfect” water bottle.

Obviously, another gigantic thing for ice water lovers, is that the ice doesn’t automatically start melting as soon as you step outside, so I had to look for a water bottle that was well insulated as well.  I thought I had an almost perfect water bottle and I started attempting this healthier lifestyle, packing my lunch, overnight oats for breakfast, a protein shake for a snack, a water bottle, and of course, I needed my coffee in the morning.  This lifestyle change became oddly challenging when I was carrying a lunchbox with 3 giant bottles in it.  Shake, water, coffee.  I started thinking, maybe if I could find a water bottle that also had the ability to carry hot liquids AND had no flavor transfer, I would be in heaven.  I don’t know if you have ever attempted this and realized that you were drinking coffee flavored ice water, it’s not really an enjoyable experience on a daily.

So, if I made a check list, my “perfect” water bottle would be or would have…

 

  • Double walled (no sweating)
  • Straw lid (+ interchangeable lids)
  • Insulated (ice stays ice)
  • Multi use (cold / hot)
  • No flavor transfer
  • Large size (over 20oz)

 

HF

Now [insert heavenly chime noise], I have found a water bottle that checks every box.  The only downside is, it was a little bit more on the expensive side.  With shipping and everything, it came out to about $60 for a 40oz bottle.

 

*FYI, I tested the flavor transfer.  I had hot coffee in it, all day, I rinsed it out.. And put ice water.. NO TASTE OF COFFEE, NO SMELL OF COFFEE … it was a dream ❤

 

Okay…. Nerdy rant of the day over ….

 

Thanks for reading ❤

Tame Me

via Daily Prompt: Tame

Tame

We knew what we were getting into

When we set ourselves on the path

Of falling in love

The stars sang it to be so

They said our skulls would be so thick

We wouldn’t hear the mumbles coming from each others lips

They said we would fight to be together

Yet our long horns would keep us distanced from the start

Our horns

They twist within each other

Entangle us

And as hard as we fought to be together

We fought just as hard to pull each other apart

They said

The fire in our hearts would draw us toward one another

Like moths to a flame

A fire we knew that enticed us

A fire we felt from each other

For each other

No one else was to blame

But as our fires grew

One had to engulf another

As we both burned so brightly

Unknowingly depleting all the oxygen

Until we could no longer breathe

Glaring

Who would dare say it first ?

“I WILL NOT BE TAMED!”

The war between what I “believe” to be true

via Daily Prompt: Believe

Believe

The war between what I believe to be true

And what my demons whisper

Take my faith on a whirlwind roller coaster

I am sorry that I hurt you

That I take your love

And your care

That I take your gentle caress

And each inch of effort that you make

I am sorry that I watch you as you grow

And sink into the warmth that is your gaze

Yet you still have to sing to me

believe me”

I cry to you

I’m so sorry

But I do…

The hilarious thing is

Deep down in my soul

Underneath all the cracks

Of broken

I believe you

But here I am asking you

Please tell me again

Remind me again that you love me

Remind me again that the love in your eyes

Land only on me

Sing to me again the song

That no other woman can replace me

Sing to me until your vocal cords snap

When you cannot sing anymore

Please baby write to me

Write to me love letters

Write to me the reasons you love every part of me

Write to me in beautiful script

Until your fingers bleed

Switch to your other hand

And baby write legibly

If I cannot read you

Honey, I cannot believe you

I see the agony I put you through

You do not deserve this certain uncertainty

You do not deserve my questions

My demands

you do not deserve  for me to beg of you

After every single sunrise

And before every single sunset

to

“Please

Make me believe”

Continue reading “The war between what I “believe” to be true”

Lost Hills

Exit to the lost hills it said

 

Eerie it sounds

Terrifying to most

But somehow

My first thought was

I’d like to go there

How scary could the lost hills be

When I’m already lost Inside of me

When I’ve been running blind for years

There’s comfort in those lost hills

Where one is meant to be lost

Where one is meant to scream

Where one is meant to be alone

That’s where I want to be

In the lost space of infinite

The Infinite space of lost

Where no one can hurt me

But me

When you think you see me

When she comes

It may be indistinguishable to you

You glance at me

And I smile back in return

Not one dew drop on my skin

You imagine to yourself what kind of life I may have

You imagine the cupcakes I must eat for dinner

You imagine the sugar and spice I must sprinkle on every meal

You imagine the organized perfectly placed items on my desk

The friends I must surround myself with

The laughs I share

The memories I must have accumulated from the amazing life I lead

 

But you don’t know

 

You don’t know I’m tormented by something I want to call a she

Because what else could she be

She’s jealous

And controlling

She’s slick

And manipulative

 

She slithers gracefully

But a bite so poisonous

It creeps so slowly

Like Guillain-Barre

starting from my toes

Nerve by nerve

Muscle weakness

Lung paralysis

I cannot breathe

No strength to hold me upward

Gravity too strong it pulls me down

Fetal position

Finding the first corner

Feeling like I’m drowning

Right from within

Overflowing

Out of my tear ducts

 

That is what she feels like

 

She feels like a restlessness within my body

With no strength to get up

But no strength to stay still

 

She feels like

Exhaling so deep

To rid the body of all its poisonous acidity

Like needing to empty out the lungs

Of all the negativity it wants to say

 

She’s like a werewolf

On a full moon

Howling to the pain

Cries that cannot be restricted

 

She’s like

A shot of epinephrine

Telling my body it needs to run

Or it needs to fight

Tachycardia

Bounding pulses

 

I swear in the silence of the night

When all should be calm

I could feel it

Irregular

As if each jugular had its own heart

 

She’s a constant worry

Distrust of the world

To feel like your most prized possession

Is not safe

 

She hibernates at times

But she never leaves

 

That is what you do not see

When you look at me

 

That is what you do not know

When you think you see me

But you don’t