I Love That…

I love that I think of you
In the moments that I am the most myself

In the moments that I am the most bare
In the moments that I am just me

You pop into my mind

I love that I think of you
In the moments that I am so passionate

When I sing my heart out
When I dance spontaneously

You pop into my mind

I love that I think of you
When I imagine strength

When I watch movies where a woman kicks ass
When I hear songs of a woman’s worth

I know you are near me

and, I will forever

Love that.

12 Month Challenge

A few months ago, I saw a challenge going around from Rachel Hollis, the author of Girl, Wash Your Face called the “last90days”.  Essentially it was giving us 90 days at the end of the year to create our good habits and break our bad ones before starting the “new year, new me” that we all try to do every time that New Year Ball drops at midnight.  

At the end of last year, I wanted to get a group of my friends and really try to implement some of these healthy habits together.  These friends of mine are strong, independent, amazing women, and I thought how awesome it would be to have some kind of pact together and support one another on these goals.  

I will be honest, on my end, after a few weeks, I didn’t stay on as strong as I should have.  I tried to continually check in with my friends, but I wasn’t keeping the promises I made to myself to be a better version of me.  I wasn’t doing what I needed to do to be happier and healthier.  

One of my friends, blogger of The Mombie Blog, posted recently that she wanted to really try and implement this 90 day challenge into this year and strive for a better year.  I second that 12 month challenge.  

In her post 12 month challenge she mentions Rachel Hollis’s “5tothrive” list  and personalizes it to her own goals.   

I will do the same…….

As of the new year, I have already been waking up earlier to have some time in the morning to myself.  I work really early.  My three days working in the hospital,  I have to be there by 630am.  Most of last year, and probably, let’s be honest, most of my life, I run late.  I sleep late, I snooze my alarm, I keep my eyes closed for as long as possible before I jump out of bed and rush to work.  

So, I really want the time to really relax into my day, drink some coffee, have a light snack, reflect on my goals for the day, and to put some make up on.  

To achieve that, really my goal is to wake up at 430am on the days I work at the hospital.  It is so hard to wake up that early, it truly is.  But I’m really hoping that I can push myself until it becomes a natural thing.  I also work at a laser clinic about twice a week, and I have to be there at 930am.  So, I’ve been setting my alarm for 630am.

Working out for at least 30 min a day.  I have to say that, in the past, I have been so on top of this.  I worked out at least an hour a day, sometimes two, usually more cardio based.  But as of late, since picking up the second job and not having a car anymore, I can’t make it to my favorite class, I haven’t found the motivation yet to force myself after work EVEN THOUGH MY GYM IS WALKING DISTANCE FROM MY APARTMENT.

Okay, I know, I will definitely have to make at least the treadmill for 30 min a goal for every single day.  Tired is not an option.  

Drinking half my weight in oz of water a day is a lot harder than it sounds.  I’m not exactly sure how much I weigh right now because my batteries in my scale are dead and I haven’t bought any to replace them.  Maybe subconsciously, I don’t want to know lol.  

I am going to guess I weigh close to 165, that’s about 80oz of water a day.  I have a 40oz hydro flask, which I LOVE, but I gotta work on finishing 2 of those by the end of the day.  If I’m honest, I have hardly been finishing 20oz.

Give up a food category.  Not too bad, I did it before and saw results pretty quickly.  I will give up carbs.  I love rice, I can practically eat rice with anything, but, I’ve seen the difference it makes when I truly limit my carbs and I can do it again.  I think under 40g a day is the goal.  

At the end of my day, which, with both jobs, I get home around 800pm.  My goal is to be in bed by 11pm, if possible.  That gives me 3 hours to get a work out in, prep my lunch and uniform for the next day, shower and write a little to reflect on my day and gratitude.  

Wake up 2 hours before my shift starts

Work out at least 30 min every day

Drink 80oz of water a day

Give up carbs, at least stay under 40g

List my gratitudes for my day

Whatever your goals are for 2019, if you feel like you failed 2018 or rocked it, go into 2019 with the mindset that you will make a difference. Remind yourself that no one is perfect and effort and intention is really what makes the difference in achieving your goals.

And love yourself, because out of all the things that I have learned in my life thus far, it’s that loving yourself is the first thing that you need to accomplish before you could even dream of being happy. You need to love yourself to be the best version of you for the people you care about.

As Christmas Came and Went, I Really Missed My Mommy

With the hustle and bustle of the holidays, there are so many different things to think about and worry about. Traveling, gifts, money, time, family….. This Christmas my boyfriend and I road tripped five hours to spend time with my family. His sister from New Jersey that he hadn’t seen in thirteen years came with us. We really wanted to show her a good time and to take her around. We were so busy trying to fit in as much as possible in the few days we had.

We had two Christmas dinners. One from my Dad’s family and one from my Mom’s.

On the way to my Mom’s family Christmas Dinner, like a semi just ran me over, I was overwhelmed with the reminder that my last Christmas with my mom was at this house. To the shock of my boyfriend, I couldn’t stop the tears from falling. I remember my mom sitting at the dinner table laughing, I remember taking pictures together and telling stories. I remember being able to cuddle together.

And then there are things I really wish I could remember.

They say that over time, the pain of losing a love one subsides.
Some say, it never does.

For me, I feel like, the realization of losing her has slowly become more apparent. Maybe the initial heartbreak doesn’t feel as sharp, but I get waves of sadness. I will feel anger, confusion, disbelief.

If there is anything that I have learned from this experience, if there is any message that I could pass on to everyone out there reading this, my loved ones, strangers…

Please listen…

There is no anger, grudge, or fight that will matter once that person is gone. I guarantee that once you lose that person, any negative feelings you might have felt will feel like a waste of time, waste of effort, waste of energy, when you could have spent the time in love and happiness.

My mom and I had a really close relationship, she was my best friend, but there were times that we didn’t agree with each other. Reading back through some past poems or diary entries, I was reminded of the times that we may have fought, or the times that I may have felt some type of negative way about her and it is all so pointless.

None of those grudges matter
None of those negative thoughts hold any weight

When the person you love is gone all that will matter is how much you love them, the time that you now know you won’t have with them, the wasted time that you spent thinking that there was always tomorrow.

So, use the time you have together to love each other. Make the time to visit, make the time to call, tell the people you love them when you get the chance.

And appreciate who they are to you.

Sometimes

Sometimes

I look out into the city

And I feel so immensely small

I think about all the stories left

To be told

I think about all the unheard
Teardrops

All the shoulderless cries

I see a husband
Fighting with his wife

I envision a teenager crying in her loneliness

I see a girl
Sitting in the middle of her room
Amidst all the mess

But I also see cuddles before an open fire

I hear whispers

I hear laughter

I look out into the city and

Although my world

Is

MY ENTIRE WORLD

It just really makes me see

That it’s so very little

In the grand scheme of things

Underneath the Billowing Sea

Sitting upon the dock one day
I stared out into the ocean

Deep blue waters
Swelling with each wave

And appeared such a notion

The fear of what is down there
Underneath the billowing sea

The fear of what is buried, deep inside of me

What creatures linger ?
What monsters hide ?

As I cry my tears into the brine

What may jump out as the waves flux in ?
Flux out?

What secrets lie in that sharp-toothed mouth?

As I stare forward into the offing
See the tide rise
And rise

I think about the ways
I am like the ocean
About the deep things
That I hide inside

I think about how the current washes up
The undesirables

And the depth
renders them untouchable

they feed and they grow

yet they lay dormant

undetectable

Sitting upon the dock that day, I feel the waves rock me

to and fro

I wonder what the ocean thinks of me

knowing all I know