Crescent Moon

As you walk in the door

You see me

 

I am not so sure what gave it away

Face turned downward

Quiet speech

 

You ask me what is wrong with a sincerity

That breaks my heart

 

I have no idea really

It is a multitude of things

It is maybe one minute detail

It is possibly just a thought

That decided to turn my day completely upside down

 

On the drive

I have retreated to my space

Fingers intertwined

Looking onward

 

Thoughts like the cars on the speedway

Blue like watching the diamond sink

To the depths of the ocean

 

You reach for me

Yet I am limp

Not fighting against you

But not fighting for you

 

All this sadness

With not one answer as to why

 

On and on we drive

Destination unsure

But hope in your heart

 

The trees part

And the crescent moon greets me

 

I am not so sure what it is

But it feels like

a slow deep breath

It feels like

Palms huddled around a bonfire

Like a lamp radiating its warmth upon me

 

I feel peace

 

I think to myself

It is the universe reminding me

That I have a happy ending

 

It is the sky telling me that I am not alone

 

It is the man on the moon

Singing to me that everything will be alright

 

It is magic

 

It is all magical creatures being alive

Fairies fluttering within the weeping willows

Leprechauns scurrying beneath the hills

Its mermaids splashing in the ocean

Its dragons protecting their gold

 

When that crescent moon says hello to me

It tells me that there is hope in this life

It reminds me that someone loves me

And I unclasp my hands

And I reach out for his

Because I need to be his crescent moon

I need to be his magic

And He needs to know

I love him too

 

I guess I have some soul searching to do

School is finally out at least until February and a lot of things have been on my mind.  A friend of mine made a comment to me that with school over, now I have time to de-stress …. And somehow .. I am even more stressed, and this is what I have concluded as to why…

 

When I am in school, it is my main and only priority … everything else can just F off.  Apartment turns in to a homeless camp, food in the home is basically non existent, if I’m completely honest with myself, I don’t shower as much as I should either.  I gain weight because I have no time to exercise, and I eat whatever I can get my hands on.

 

So, when school is over, instead of being overwhelmed with relief, I am FLOODED with every other responsibility I have set aside during the semester.  I have to get my finances in order.  I have to work on losing the weight I gained .. Which also means that I have to cook at home and grocery shop and exercise and make healthy choices.  I have to clean the tornado that is my home.  Make time for the friends that I have neglected and prepare for the next semester.  Start writing again because I haven’t been able to.  It all becomes overwhelming to the point that I would rather be in bed doing nothing, than prioritizing the to do list that all seems to be important.

 

So many things on my mind that I can’t even squeeze a poem out, so I’m writing this rant instead, so at least I’m writing something.

 

Hmmm.. I read a post earlier, Spin class stories where they spoke about life spinning out of control and being on an endless cycle.  Initially, I thought to myself, this doesn’t apply to me, because, I’m not on an endless cycle, I am on a path and I am moving forward, but in the midst of writing this rant, I came to realize, I am on an endless cycle.  A cycle of never being content.  I am never celebrating my accomplishments.  My first reaction is always, “why didn’t I do better?” or “when will I reach the day, that it is better?”.  A year from now, things will be better.  But I never stop and say, “you passed that class, you are amazing” I am on this forever cycle of never being happy with what I have and what I obtain.

 

That would seem to make me a pessimist, but I never thought of myself as a pessimist.  I thought of myself as an optimist really.  But, I guess I’m not that either.

 

In the post that I read earlier, they ask, “what are you going to do about it?”

And I think that it is very important that I deal with this now because if I don’t, not matter what I accomplish, I won’t be happy with myself.  This transcends into my relationship as well.  I can be with someone that loves me and cares for me and I will somehow fixate on the one thing that I might not agree with and think it’s a deal breaker.  My friend told me when I was venting the other night about this exact subject, that even with the next person, I will find something to fixate on, and I will never be content.

 

Wow, cycle for sure.  And to think, I thought I was exempt.

 

Anyway, I guess, I have some soul searching to do, some positive affirmations to start telling myself every morning, and the changing of my attitude to become a happier and better person.

 

GOOD NIGHT

I may be nothing but a stranger

Never Silence the Madness

To the girl I met today,

I want you to know,

that I feel your torment.

In the way that you evade my eyes

in the way that your eyes gloss over

with the pink tinge of a girl that has cried

from the full of the moon

till it blessed us with its smile.

I know you are hurt.

I want you to know that you are not alone.

the crackle in your voice

caused by sobbing,

a throat, exhausted by the howling

I know that you are void of all happiness.

I have been there too.

your anger is too full right now,

your sadness is more

cavernous than the oceans combined,

but I am here

my small talk;

my attempts to distract you

from the agony you are feeling,

my venture to convince you that

I am right there beside you

I am trying to let you…

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