School is finally out at least until February and a lot of things have been on my mind. A friend of mine made a comment to me that with school over, now I have time to de-stress …. And somehow .. I am even more stressed, and this is what I have concluded as to why…
When I am in school, it is my main and only priority … everything else can just F off. Apartment turns in to a homeless camp, food in the home is basically non existent, if I’m completely honest with myself, I don’t shower as much as I should either. I gain weight because I have no time to exercise, and I eat whatever I can get my hands on.
So, when school is over, instead of being overwhelmed with relief, I am FLOODED with every other responsibility I have set aside during the semester. I have to get my finances in order. I have to work on losing the weight I gained .. Which also means that I have to cook at home and grocery shop and exercise and make healthy choices. I have to clean the tornado that is my home. Make time for the friends that I have neglected and prepare for the next semester. Start writing again because I haven’t been able to. It all becomes overwhelming to the point that I would rather be in bed doing nothing, than prioritizing the to do list that all seems to be important.
So many things on my mind that I can’t even squeeze a poem out, so I’m writing this rant instead, so at least I’m writing something.
Hmmm.. I read a post earlier, Spin class stories where they spoke about life spinning out of control and being on an endless cycle. Initially, I thought to myself, this doesn’t apply to me, because, I’m not on an endless cycle, I am on a path and I am moving forward, but in the midst of writing this rant, I came to realize, I am on an endless cycle. A cycle of never being content. I am never celebrating my accomplishments. My first reaction is always, “why didn’t I do better?” or “when will I reach the day, that it is better?”. A year from now, things will be better. But I never stop and say, “you passed that class, you are amazing” I am on this forever cycle of never being happy with what I have and what I obtain.
That would seem to make me a pessimist, but I never thought of myself as a pessimist. I thought of myself as an optimist really. But, I guess I’m not that either.
In the post that I read earlier, they ask, “what are you going to do about it?”
And I think that it is very important that I deal with this now because if I don’t, not matter what I accomplish, I won’t be happy with myself. This transcends into my relationship as well. I can be with someone that loves me and cares for me and I will somehow fixate on the one thing that I might not agree with and think it’s a deal breaker. My friend told me when I was venting the other night about this exact subject, that even with the next person, I will find something to fixate on, and I will never be content.
Wow, cycle for sure. And to think, I thought I was exempt.
Anyway, I guess, I have some soul searching to do, some positive affirmations to start telling myself every morning, and the changing of my attitude to become a happier and better person.
GOOD NIGHT
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