I Wish I Would Have Jumped Up As Soon As I Remembered

So, it is currently 2:46am where I am at and I’m pretty sure I didn’t get to bed until almost midnight.  I was jarred awake by an apparent nightmare.  As odd as it was, I was simultaneously thinking of the best opening lines to a blog post about said dream.  

These sentences are not it. Lol 

I laid in bed within those first 5 minutes thinking of the way I’d love to write this post and every detail of the nightmare I just had.  I debated getting up to write it.  I thought, “no, it’s too early to get up, I will write it later”.  At that time, I didn’t even know how early it really was.  

The dream itself wasn’t even really upsetting or interesting in any way.  I was just thrown awake so drastically that I felt like I couldn’t go back to sleep.  I have also noticed, I think I am the most productive, writing wise, late at night.  

Anyway, I looked at my phone to see the time, because I was obviously too awake to fall back asleep and I was in shock.  I feel as though I have slept for at LEAST  6 hours.  I couldn’t believe it was only 2-3 hours.  Falling asleep felt like it was so long ago. 

okay…. Dream time: 

I really should of written this as soon as I woke up because now, the details are slipping me and like I said, it wasn’t that insane of a dream in the first place, but here it goes…

My dream’s cast consisted of some of my elementary and high school friends.  People that I hadn’t seen or spoken to in years.  As a matter of fact, over a DECADE.  I guess maybe it was some kind of reunion.  I feel like we were all in some kind of field waiting for something; an announcement, a celebrant.  I go off into a forest or something with my boyfriend and as we are walking,  I disturbed some sort of nest.  I think, I must of killed whatever was in there.  It was a hive of some sort.  We approach a clearing, and I guess, as dreams would have it, there were two folding chairs waiting for us.  My boyfriend sits in one, and I notice the hive mama buzzing around, gunning FOR ME.  

It is basically the equivalent  of a hummingbird sized mosquito.  Or if a hummingbird and a mosquito hybrid existed, this monster was it.  So, it’s buzzing around trying to attack me.  I’m swatting it.  I literally pick up my folding chair and I’m stepping to bat.  I’m not fast enough though because I keep feeling it hit me.  The buzzing of its wings close to my ears, even now, thinking about it, is giving me the chills.  Much to my chagrin, my boyfriend has already sat down and is minding his own business.  So I know that I’ve hit this thing a few times already, but it is relentless and I think I’m getting tired of holding up the folding chair, trying to hit it, trying to dodge it.  I keep feeling it stabbing my neck and hearing the buzzing noise.   BUZZZZZZZZ…..!!!!!!

That is when I jump awake, adrenaline apparently pumping because it is now, 3:14am and I am still awake.  

I should probably go back to bed, since my alarm will go off at 5am.  Goodnight everyone. 

Sincerely,

An introverted dreamer that doesn’t want her madness to be silenced 💋

When You Saw The World As Beautiful

When you saw the world as beautiful

then watched it tear right down the seams

Nothing is ever as beautiful

As you hoped for it to be

It’s OFFICIAL!

I received this message this morning as I woke up and the feeling of constant dread that I have had since taking my NCLEX suddenly faded away. This journey to my RN has been an extremely long one. Not just the prerequisite classes that I was taking in my early twenties, but from the beginning of my RN program to now has been a long road filled with ups and downs.

I moved to Southern California away from anyone that I knew to start my nursing program. It was me and my dog, five hours away from where we had previously been calling home. Small studio, no kitchen. My makeshift kitchen was in a small room that I also installed a closet rod in.  I hadn’t thought about it at the time, but it ended up being a VERY bad idea, considering my clothes now smelled of anything I was cooking. I slept on an air mattress for months and struggled to wash dishes in a bathroom sink. It was a challenge for sure, but I didn’t care. I found a job, I was starting nursing school, I was independent, and I was PROUD of myself.

I thought to myself.

“I AM DOING IT”

At that time in my life, I just left a relationship of seven years. I dropped my mom at the airport to move to the Philippines a couple months prior. I physically had never been more alone. I was heartbroken, I was anxious at a new job, and I was excited/stressed about managing my first semester. BUT

I WAS DOING IT

I was finding a way to wake up every morning and be positive. I was finding a way every day to earn my own trust. To learn what it meant to be truly in charge of my own life and focus on me and my well being. I was happy. I was learning how to live my life.

Fast forward a bit, I went through an eviction, repo, heartbreak, frustration, complications with paperwork and school. I went through sleep deprivation, getting laid off from my first hospital job after almost 2 years.

This year alone, I lost my mom super unexpectedly, had 2 car accidents, had a car stolen .

BUT

This journey also brought me love and friendships, adventures, the triumphs after the struggles.
It brought me a new level of self awareness.

This year alone, I graduated from nursing school, went to my little brothers wedding,

PASSED MY NCLEX

My dreams are slowly but surely becoming reality. My list of goals are being checked off.

DONE … AND DONE!

I want to tell anyone out there that has a dream. No matter the circumstances, no matter the hardships, or the roadblocks… you can do it. You can accomplish it. It may take you longer than expected, things may even feel as though they are getting thrown in your path just to make you fail, but, If you want it bad enough, if you love yourself enough to trust in your dream and put you plan into action, you can do it.

There were times that I felt like, everything was just too much. But then I would think..

“If I don’t continue this path to my giant goal, where I am right now, is the best I am ever going to get. This day that I am having RIGHT NOW is going to be the same day I will have for the rest of my life. NO… I don’t want to live this struggle forever.. and that is exactly what I will have to do if I give up”

If your goal is to not work your 9-5 and be your own boss
If your goal is to find a job you love with the talents that GOD has blessed you with
If your goal is to spend more time at home with your family, not missing your daughter’s school play because you had to work overtime

All you have to do is to put that plan in action and ask yourself….

“This feeling of being unhappy, being not content with life, is this the way I am willing to feel for the rest of my life?”

If the answer is NO

Then move your butt and put your plan in action.

A lot of people that I have met, when I tell them that I moved from Northern California alone to LA for school, have said…

“You are so brave”
“You are so strong”
“You have guts”

It means the world to me. But to be honest, being afraid was never a thought that crossed my mind. Needing to feel fear was never in the vicinity of my thought process for this particular decision because it is what I needed to do.

Goal : be a nurse

Step 1. GET INTO NURSING SCHOOL

I did

Step 2. Go to nursing school

Ok

There was no “ifs ands or buts” about any of it. So when I say go for it. Because you can do it…. I truly mean… GO FOR IT

Passing this test has meant a lot to me. It means that all the hard work I put in, all the struggles were worth it. But it is also all very bittersweet. My mom was suppose to be here to see me pass this test. I want anything in the world to be able to call her and tell her that I passed. I want to hear her scream on the other end of the phone and laugh and tell me “congrats babygirl”. I want so much to hear her say that she’s coming home and that we will celebrate.

I know that she’s around me, that she’s proud of me, that she is just as excited as I am, I just wish I could hug her and hold her hand.

I want to thank my mom, for always and forever being my cheerleader. Through all of my life decisions she had her opinion. But she also had my back. She was always the first to say she loved me and the first to tell me she was proud of me. She never skipped a beat to uplift me as a child, tell me how smart I was and that I could be anything I put my mind to. She taught me to dream and to love and all I can say is Thank you for everything. I love you.

I want to thank the rest of my family as well, my dad, my aunts and uncles, my siblings, my boyfriend. For being there for me when times were tough. For having the faith in me, that I could accomplish big things, for loving me unconditionally, even when I made decisions that made them shake their heads. I am a better person because I have all of you in my life. I can’t wait to celebrate this WIN with you. I love you all.

Countdown To The NCLEX

For those of you that don’t know what the NCLEX is, it is a giant test that stands between you and your dream of being a nurse.  It is a test to verify that you have enough knowledge in that pretty little noggin’ of yours to provide safe and quality care to your patients.  It is a test that is the real finish line in the race you started when you began nursing school.  And it’s a hard one.  Your test can be 75 questions long, or it can be over 200 questions long, all depending on how well you are answering them.  You will get questions that give you 5 right answers, you just have to pick the best one and hope that the right answer you picked is the right answer for the test.  It is a $500 test that, if you do not pass, you have to wait 3 months before you can take it again.  It is scary.

So my test is scheduled for October 18th, and a couple of months ago, I was fine, confident.  I wasn’t worried.  Life had thrown me plenty curveballs already this year, and I thought, “all I have left to do to get myself out of this hole, is to pass this test”.

And then came my fender bender, a week later, a car stolen that we had to pay $600 dollars to get out of a tow yard even though it was missing tires, seats, steering wheel, etc.  Now, a month later and we have another accident.

This year, my friends, besides the fact that I graduated nursing school and was able to see my little brother get married, has quite possibly been one of the most stressful and depressing years of my life.  So much of me wishes that I could just pause life for a moment and take a breath.  But life doesn’t work that way.  Here I am,  tonight, sick, 2 days of studying lost because of whatever bug I’m battling, 1000 more questions of studying that I need to do and more because I am not confident I will pass yet, receiving breaking news that our only car was rendered useless.  I am not sure how I will get to work on Thursday.  It is just too much.  But I have to get it done.

I literally have 8 days left to study and 3 of those are work days.  I feel like I should move my test maybe.  But maybe I shouldn’t.  I don’t know.

Anyway, I’m writing because I am overwhelmed.

I wanted to semi document my journey through nursing school, but I never did.  I wanted to document my journey for this NCLEX, but I don’t know what to say really.

Okay, here is what I have to say.

In real time, real feelings, honesty,
A month ago, I had a long list on my to-do list.  After graduation, I just wanted to accomplish it all.  I wanted to stay strong with water intake, daily workouts, eating right.  I wanted to meal prep, and cook, and lose weight.  I wanted to study for my test and pass.  I wanted to start writing more.

But it felt like I was failing at EVERYTHING

There was so much on my plate that everything was dying.  What is that phrase? About spreading yourself too thin, or watering too many plants that you don’t give one enough water to survive?

Whatever

You get my point

I decided a few weeks ago that I had to drop every other goal for now so that I could focus on my exam.  My anxiety was getting heightened and the overloaded plate was making my panic attacks come back.  So I decided “F the eating right, F the weight gain, F the workouts” I need to study and only study until this test is behind me.

Viola!

Weight lifted off my shoulders.  Granted, I’m gaining weight, my skin is a mess, my apartment, I can’t see the floor of.

But I’m happier and no more panic attacks.

Still stressed out,  still worried about not passing this test. But at least I’m not spontaneously crying anymore.

For anyone reading this, for anyone with a list of goals, for anyone with anxiety.

Sometimes, you feel like you have to be superwoman.  Sometimes, you feel like you have to be perfect; the perfect girlfriend, the perfect employee, the perfect housemate, perfect woman.  You want that perfect body and perfect skin.

But sometimes, you have to be okay with not being perfect.  You have to be okay with saying it’s too much and you have to live within imperfection for a while.  You have to let yourself breathe and take care of yourself.

When I told some people that I was going to throw everything out of the window and just focus on studying, most of my feedback, was “why?! You can do it, you can eat right, and work out, and study, and come to work, just do __, __, and ___” and it made me think for a moment, maybe I am taking an easy road out, maybe I am being lazy…..NO

I saw what it was doing to me, trying to be perfect.  Trying to accomplish it all at once.  I am not abandoning all my goals.  I am just pausing some while I focus on one.

The point that I am now trying to make, is that no one knows what you are going through but yourself.  You know what you need, you know how you feel, you know what you can handle.  Don’t let other people push you into running yourself into the ground.

Love yourself, take care of yourself, it is okay to live in imperfection.

Sincerely,

An introverted dreamer that doesn’t want her madness to be silenced 💋

 

P.S. Picture is of my life beside me because I needed theraflu all day, comfort, and hydration.  Not healthy, I know, but I’m sick, don’t judge me.

She Told Me To Love Myself For Who I Am

I dreamt of my mom for the first time last night since the news of her death in April.

 

The thing is, we have both always believed in the afterlife.  Despite what we believed in as far as religion was concerned, we both very strongly believed that our bodies had a soul, a spirit, a life force, and that, after death we would be just as much alive as a spirit as we were in a physical body.

 

When my mom died, so unexpectedly, I held on to that belief.  I thought to myself, “she was my best friend, nobody knew me down to the depths of my soul like she did and no one knew her as much as I did.  If she came to visit me after death, I would know.  If she wanted me to know something, she would find a way to tell me.  If she wanted to be near me, I would feel her.  There is no possible way that her spirit could be near me without me knowing.”

 

And then…

 

A week passed by and I didn’t know what I was supposed to feel, but I didn’t feel her.  I didn’t smell her perfume, I didn’t become overwhelmed with her emotions, I didn’t dream of her, I didn’t get goosebumps, or feel her near me.

 

I found ways to rationalize it to myself.  “Maybe she has unfinished business elsewhere?  Maybe she is angry with someone and is wreaking havoc there?  Maybe she is in some type of transition?”

 

It all might seem silly to someone else reading this.  It might seem completely insane to someone who doesn’t believe in the afterlife.  But, I had to have a reason….

 

“I would know if she was near me, why haven’t I felt her near me?”

 

You hear throughout life, from other people who have experienced loss, that they feel their loved one around them all the time, that they feel them like an embrace from the surrounding air.  They say they feel their loved one walking beside them throughout life and during all their important experiences.

 

“where is she then? Where is this unquestionable feeling?”

 

I spent over a week in a room with her casket.  Everyday, all day, beside her, and I spoke to her.  I searched for her.  Any sign of her.  I was grasping at straws.

 

My mom was an extremely strong woman, filled with fire, energy, and a love for life.

IMG_0826

I thought, if anyone were to be a spirit and want to make her presence known, it would be her.  She would find the strength to knock a cup down, she would.

 

Through all of this, I experienced the normal stages of grief.  Over and over in short cycles.

 

Mostly

DENIAL……ANGER…DEPRESSION… ACCEPTANCE

 

Waves of cycles

 

I began to become overwhelmed with this sadness and fear.

 

“What if I don’t feel her, because, there is no afterlife?  What if, when you die, you are just gone, life is over, there is no checking in on loved ones, there is nothing but -dark-empty-nothing?”

 

I didn’t want that for her, I can’t rely on the belief that there is nothing after death.

 

Well, two months later

 

I dreamt of my mom for the first time since she died.

 

I can’t say one way or another what any of that means.  I can’t say it’s her visiting me, I can’t say it’s anything more than my brain thinking of her while I’m asleep.  I can’t even say that I feel her around me.

 

But…

 

For my own grieving process.

For my own closure.

For my own ability to find peace in losing her.

 

She sent me a message that night.

 

She told me to love myself for who I am.

She told me to take the insecurities and F*** them all.

She told me to enjoy my life and be happy in the body I’m in.

She told me to stop stressing over the little things in life that don’t matter

She told me to always remember the memories, but to walk over the burnt down and broken, and move forward.

 

I can’t be mad at her for that

 

Rediscovery

This was also written on September 27 2016

 The end of my last relationship heightened all kinds of insecurities.  “why wasn’t I good enough? why didn’t he want me?” I felt, unattractive, I felt, unwanted.  When I found myself on a dance floor and it brought back the feelings of happiness, and loving myself, and meeting my partner during that phase of rediscovery, really just was the cherry on top.

 

Who knew

that 2 years ago

When she stumbled into your classroom

She was Fresh from a broken heart

The bottoms of her feet

Excoriated

Raw from the journey

She reached The end of a chapter

But the beginning of a dream

 

as she danced to your movements

And mirrored your steps

As she closed her eyes and felt

Every beat of each song

It was As if it were the compression’s

Of a stranger

Fighting to bring her back to life

 

Each step she took

Was a painful reminder

That she took this journey on her own

That the beginning of her dream

Was the end of a lifetime

And the death of the person she once was

 

With each song

Class after class

Slowly..

Slowly but, so very surely

She Danced the bottoms of her feet rough

calloused from the voyage

But now thick

Made to endure

 

with every instrument that she heard

She was ignited

Her reflection

More beautiful in her eyes

Because although she may not have been enough then

In your songs

On your floor

She was glowing for the first time

In her life

 

when you looked in her eyes

You looked at her with such yearning

Such adoration

Who knew that she had never seen that look given to her before

Although she thought she had loved and was loved

The moment you looked at her, with exactly that gaze

She felt, the most beautiful, the most loved and wanted

 

You didn’t know

that she had a lifetime of insecurities

Built up within her

You didn’t know

The effect your singular glance would have upon her

You had no idea that the way you placed your hand

On the sides of her waist

Was so much bigger in her heart than the action that took place

 

Whether you meant it then

Or not

That moment will live in her forever

that in that decaying studio

With no kitchen

And mice running within the walls

You would give her the moment that would ultimately change her life forever

That you would pull her close and look in her eyes and she would know then

That

She is beautiful to someone

Sexy to someone

Good enough for someone

To give her the confidence to believe in it

 

for herself