Calm your worries and feed your dreams
Odd that it seems like a place of perfection
Empty valley
Like a cave within the ground
High walls made of grass
Sun touching every surface
Except the one place right in the middle
One tree
Providing much needed protection from the light
I want to lay there
I want to lay there all day
With my dog
And a ball
Finally!!! We Win!!!
This is a product review as well as a life lesson.
Okay, the reality is, I live in an older apartment building and after moving in, we realized, that we moved into a place that already heavily populated; Buggies, Roaches, Ruthless Survivors. It is an embarrassing situation to be in, I have to be honest. It was driving me insane. We tried everything.
We tried camphor
We tried raid
We tried roach motels
We spent a lot of money covering all cracks and holes and painted over it all
We had a monthly sprayer come in
We tried diatomaceous earth
NOTHING WORKED
I was feeling so very defeated
I was feeling like the only solution left was to abandon ship and move
I was told about this stuff called Advion Cockroach Bait. I bought it on amazon for about $20. I was skeptical at first, because I had tried something in the same family previously, and it didn’t work. But I have to give everything a try.
So, first try. The gel looked a bit dark. It is given to you in a syringe looking applicator. I put it everywhere. The Gel was a bit ugly to look at once applied. It dried a dark brown and if you over apply, it drips.
Anyway,
This first attempt was a fail, I really didn’t see much improvement. I didn’t see the miracle that the reviews were spouting. But I already had a second round on it’s way in the mail.
The second attempt, was completely different. I thought
“Hell, why not”
This batch looked different. It was a beige color and seemed a tad thicker. It dried tan as well, and make sure you put it places where gravity won’t take its toll because once it hardens, it doesn’t necessarily stick as well, and some of my lines of application fell off the corners I placed them in.
Let me tell you…this batch was a miracle worker.
Just as the reviews stated, the day after I set the bait down, the roaches were eating it and dying. As gross as this might sound, it was like a roach graveyard on my floor and any roaches that were still alive, were walking around like they were zombies.
It has been about a week since I put the bait down and I haven’t seen any live roaches. Even after the dark and turning on the light, NOTHING.
I’m sure I will have to periodically continue to lay this bait down, because this must be an apartment wide problem considering the age of the building. But the fact that they were gone in a week is amazing.
What this has taught me in life, is that, you may get to the point where you feel fully defeated. The point where you just want to throw your hands up and say, “fine, you win, I give up”
You may have contributed to it or it could completely be outside forces that you cannot help.
But don’t give up.
Because there will finally be that moment where you triumph over the hardships……
and have a home free of roaches.
“She’s so photogenic!”, we say when we see a woman with a beautiful instagram grid full of selfies. “I wish I looked that good in my candid pictures” we groan, as these women look effortlessly flawless. Happy and glistening as they workout or sip coffee.
At least, these are words I say to myself, when I’m trying to take my own pictures.
There are so many intricate feelings going on in this one moment of taking a picture of myself. As little as it might seem, the layers of insecurities, anxieties, fears of judgement, self depreciation, and desire for acceptance are canyons thick.
Let me start with me personally.
For all of my life, I have hated posing for pictures. Throughout my childhood, during the time of film rolls and camcorders, I remember running away from being recorded. The dread of being asked to take a picture alone. To this day, I still run and hide at the sight of a camera lens in my direction. A photoshoot would take a lot of mental preparation and pushing through very awkward smiles and unnatural poses. Every shot, every video, would bombard my mind with:
How would I look?
How will I sound?
What will people think of me?
Do I look fat?
Do I look silly?
Am I embarrassing myself?
While it seemed that everyone else looked beautiful on the spot, I felt like I had to take one hundred pictures before I liked one. The one picture I did like, I felt insecure showing to the world without at least three different filters on it.
A filter to erase the imperfections.
A filter to brighten my skin
A filter that thins the face and enlarges the eyes
Showing my body…FORGET ABOUT IT
There wasn’t really a filter to filter out my insecurities of being overweight.
All of this may seem so very, how can I say? … insignificant, when compared tothe vast issues of the world, but it’s actually a really big dent in how we live our lives. It was and IS debilitating. It was a fear to be myself. It was a fear for others to see me as I was. It was a dislike of who I was on the outside and the ideas of what beautiful was from social expectations.
It really didn’t hit me, how bad it was until dun. dun. dun. – snapchat.
I only felt beautiful when I was a cartoon dog. I only felt like my picture was worth being shown to the world with filters that lightened my skin and thinned my face. Even if that meant, my face was transformed into a unicorn or given a halo of butterflies, or contacts that turned my brown eyes grey. How can I say I feel beautiful when it isn’t even me that I present as my profile picture?
This revelation really made me think.
NO
My profile picture will be me. The pictures I post will be me. I will not allow myself to live my life behind a filter, to be afraid to show the world who I really am unless I hide behind a mask. I won’t let myself trick anyone else into feeling insecure. Trick someone else into thinking that I am effortlessly flawless because snapchat made my skin clear, made my eyelashes long, made my cheeks thin.
If you, in anyway feel the insecurities that I feel, the fears that I feel. I want you to know that you are not alone. I want you to know that you are so beautiful and that it’s society and social expectations that make us feel like we are less than and undesirable. I want you to know that you do not need the filters and one hundred takes before you find a perfect picture because you should love yourself the way that you are.
I wish I could tell you that I’ve had some kind of inspirational transformation, some light bulb moment, and that now I can say “F what anyone thinks, this is my face and here it is, it is beautiful.” But I haven’t. My confidence and my self love is still a work in progress. I’ve decided to work on the things that make me feel less beautiful, instead of hiding behind a filter. I’ve been working on getting healthier and building a skin routine. I have my good weeks and my bad weeks, but I think being aware and putting effort is a good start.
I still battle every picture to feel beautiful. I still feel insecure without make up. I still like a filter or two. But, at least it is still me.
Not a dog
Not a unicorn
Not some mystical mermaid
One day I will beat this battle to feel BEAUTIFUL enough for a picture.
I will be Bare faced and beautiful
I will be flaws and all beautiful
I will amazon warrior this battle to feel beautiful
And I will be proud of it.
