This Is How I Want to Remember Her

writing prompt from FANDANGOS FLASH FICTION CHALLENGE #FFFC

This was how I wanted to remember her.  Even though, at so and so years old, wanting to run off and play.  Freezing for a dozen pictures sounded more like torture than a distant memory that I would cherish.  A memory that I coddle like Teeny the tiny hamster, perched upon my palms.  A moment that I prepared to lunge and grab if it came too close to scurrying away.  I hope that the eye rolls and the whining, while she squinted to get the picture just right translated in some way to “I Love You’s”.  I hope that all the groans and rushing off to someone else translated in some way to “I never want to lose you” and that she knew that I loved her with all my heart.  

As the years passed by, the squinting progressed into an honest inability to see.  Her fingers no longer had the dexterity to push the buttons on that darn camera.  It was too late to teach her to use a smart phone and standing long enough to herd us all together for a picture was practically an impossible feat.  

In less time than I realized, I became the one that wanted to capture every moment together.  I was the one that pushed her to smile for my camera, who recorded all of our adventures, even if it only took place in the comfort of our living room.  

In less time than I realized, the circle of life had made its complete circle.  I was making jokes and tricks to try and get her to eat as much nourishment as possible.  I was changing her soiled clothing.  I was comforting her when she was having a tantrum.  

I loved her even more then.  In all those moments, I realized how unconditional love can really be.  How much of the extra means nothing, when you are focused on the happiness and well being of the people you hold dear.  

But, this  is how I really want to remember her.  Chasing us around to capture a glimpse of our happiness.  The love in her effort.   The care in her intent.  Squinting to get the picture just right.  Standing strong for all of us to remember.  

Sunday Spoken Word : And Her Name Is…

original post: And Her Name Is…

Again, it’s impossible to get anyone to understand what anxiety feels like, when you don’t suffer from it yourself. This is my struggle with anxiety, with the evil whispers that anxiety likes to speak on a daily basis and the fight to keep my anxiety under control.

The One That Got Away

She was always “the one that got away” 

The one that loved until her heart bled dry

The one that gave and gave

Until even her capillaries collapsed from being hollow 

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She was always the one that held on too long 

Until her calloused hands gave way 

Until her knees buckled from the weight 

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She was always the one that felt a hand reach out for her

As soon as she was just out of reach 

The one that heard her name being called from the tree tops 

As she ventured out of the city 

The one that saw fireworks spelling out her name 

As she rode her own self out into the sunset 

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Because she never needed anyone to take her on that bike 

She never depended on anyone to keep her warm 

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She was a fire all on her own 

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She may have been directionally challenged

But give her the tools and by God she will find herself exactly where she needed to be 

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She was always “the one that got away” 

Because the men in her life didn’t know whether to fan her fire 

Or deprive her of the oxygen to shine 

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The men in her life were either terrified that beside her, 

She would either burn much brighter 

Or push them to ignite their own 

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And neither option ever felt right for them at the time

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She was always “the one that got away” 

Because once she decided she was done 

She was never turning back

She was never refueling her heart for the same drive 

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And the men in her life thought that 

She would always be there to pick them up when they fell

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In every love story, she was never replaceable

Her fire burned a different shade of bright 

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In every love story, 

The new, the next, and the right after 

Sat dim in comparison to her

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In every love story, 

They looked for her

They cried for her

They feened for her 

They hungered for every bit of love she fed them

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Because you never know what you have lost

Until it’s really gone

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You never know what you have lost 

Until you tasted and nothing tastes as sweet 

Until you have hugged and no one is as warm 

Until you have tried and realized that no one else 

Compares 

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And you fear you will see her hand in hand 

With someone that appreciates her 

With someone that loves her 

With someone that is ready to fan her fire 

And ignite his own

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Because that is exactly who she needs

When a fire shines that bright 

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A man who wants to feed her fire

Not because she needs him to

Not because she will wither away without him 

But because he is fueled by her beauty 

He shines just as bright without her

But glows with her by his side 

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When fire meets fire 

She is no longer “the one that got away”

He is no longer the hands that got burned by her flame

They are no longer fires at either end waiting 

For who will survive without oxygen the longest 

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Because their flame shines brighter with them together 

Their fire brightens the pathway forward 

Their fire pushes the darkness away from their souls 

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She is no longer “the one that got away” because 

She is shining

She is loving 

She is HERE 

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Neversilencethemadness.com 

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#bloggerstyle #blogger #poetry #poemsofinstagram #poetrylovers #poet #spokenword 

She Wanted it So Badly, She Decided She Didn’t Want it at All 

She thought she knew what she wanted 

She thought that it was all planned out and laid out in front of her

The hopeless romantic in her, told her that she would fall in love 

She would get the ring, she would get married, have the babies, live in the beautiful home with her family and her dogs

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One broken heart after another 

She began to retreat a little bit further

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Maybe it was the amount of times her heart broke 

Maybe it was a defense mechanism building a wall around that heart 

Maybe time made her begin to lose patience

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But she began to feel as though

Maybe she didn’t want that dream anymore 

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Maybe that dream was never meant for her 

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It was an endless disappointment every time she fell in love without bearing the fruit of the future

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It was an expectation that she was exhausted from wanting to fulfill 

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She wanted it so badly, she decided she didn’t want it at all

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I mean, what was it all really? 

Besides money on a finger, besides signatures on a paper 

Maybe there were more cons than pros anyway 

It’s not like any of it meant promises wouldn’t be broken on a future day 

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Maybe she had just become jaded 

Maybe fear had taken over 

That maybe vows meant nothing to her future lover 

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Either way

She couldn’t tell if it was frustration or sadness 

Desperation or fear 

whatever it was 

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She wanted it so badly, she decided 

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She really didn’t want any of it, anymore

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Neversilencethemadness.com 

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#bloggerstyle #blogger #poetry #poemsofinstagram #poetrylovers #poet #spokenword 

WEDNESDAY: Work Up the Courage To Do Something You’re Afraid Of

I was struggling here lol but ….. Love the song .. so .. eh… here it is …

All I ask – Adele

There are so many things in this life that I’d love to do, but feel so shy to do, scared to do, timid to do. Little by little I have broken through small hurdles.. and today, I wanna try to jump over another one. 

All my life, I have loved singing. I would sing karaoke through the night, as long as I thought no one could hear me. As soon as I heard a door creak, my throat would close, and I couldn’t get a note out. I would say, the only person that has heard me sing at the top of my lungs is my partner. Thank goodness, 🙏 he allows me to sing through all the road trips, through all the cleaning days without judging me, without complaining that I’m an ear sore 😝. 

He make me feel so comfortable to be my 100% true self. Open, vulnerable, raw. I am in no way, a great singer lol, but I love to sing, I love listening to the passions in others’ voices and I wish that for myself. My partner encourages me to love myself and my passions, he is super supportive with the things I do end up trying. 

Anyway… Here I am, working up the courage to do something I’m afraid of. I still feel shy recording myself singing, I’m terrified to make it public lol. But …. why not… live my life, love myself, and stop holding back.

Her First Love Story

He listened to her intently as the tears fell from her cheeks 

He stared at her bewildered as she gasped for breaths between words 

Had he known that his choices at the precipice of her love would break her even 20 years into the future, he might have chosen differently

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But would he really? 

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As she lay, curled into the blanket, limbs writhing from the pain radiating from her heart, from the memories of her past, he stood there, mouth gaping wide 

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How could he have been so careless? 

How could he take her gentle soul and defame it ? 

How could he take all the love she gave him and set it down as if it wasn’t the most precious gift she could have offered? 

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“Your love traumatized me” she wailed

“I gave you every part of me” she groaned

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As she doubled over in pain, in weakness, in horror

There was nothing he could do but place a hand on her shoulder for comfort

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She was right 

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Every way that he had fractured her heart initiated the deep cracks that still find themselves way too difficult to heal 

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No matter what she did to smooth out the edges, fill in the holes

No matter what man came to her with love and praise and affection 

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She was never able to satiate the ache her heart felt 

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His words echoed in every future relationship 

His doubt and hesitation manifested into her fear for the future 

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And with each failed love story, she felt increasingly defeated 

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A little more hopeless 

A little more helpless 

A little more pessimistic 

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But his love story, their love story 

Will always be the love story that broke her

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Their love story will always be the one that started it all 

Their love story will always be the one that took her gentle soul, her innocent love, and her forgiving heart and crushed it, demolished it, tarnished it

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He wished with every fiber of his being that he could rewrite their love story

That he could erase the pain 

That he could heal her broken parts 

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But a love story cannot be rewritten, it cannot be unwritten

She just has to find a way to give herself the happy ending that she knows she deserves on her own

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Neversilencethemadness.com 

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#bloggerstyle #blogger #poetry #poemsofinstagram #poetrylovers #poet #spokenword 

WEDNESDAY: Work Up the Courage To Do Something You’re Afraid Of

I Found a Boy- Adele

There are so many things in this life that I’d love to do, but feel so shy to do, scared to do, timid to do. Little by little I have broken through small hurdles.. and today, I wanna try to jump over another one. 

All my life, I have loved singing. I would sing karaoke through the night, as long as I thought no one could hear me. As soon as I heard a door creak, my throat would close, and I couldn’t get a note out. I would say, the only person that has heard me sing at the top of my lungs is my partner. Thank goodness, 🙏 he allows me to sing through all the road trips, through all the cleaning days without judging me, without complaining that I’m an ear sore 😝. 

He make me feel so comfortable to be my 100% true self. Open, vulnerable, raw. I am in no way, a great singer lol, but I love to sing, I love listening to the passions in others’ voices and I wish that for myself. My partner encourages me to love myself and my passions, he is super supportive with the things I do end up trying. 

Anyway… Here I am, working up the courage to do something I’m afraid of. I still feel shy recording myself singing, I’m terrified to make it public lol. But …. why not… live my life, love myself, and stop holding back.

Sunday Spoken Word : I May Be Nothing But a Stranger

original poem : I May Be Nothing But a Stranger

People cross our paths every day whether it’s a lasting relationship, first and only impression, or a person meant to change our route and walk away. We never know what someone else is going through. The least we can offer anyone in this world, is compassion. We need to have love, spread love, give love, to be able to be someone that is capable of receiving love in return.

Once Upon a Time

Once upon a time 

He swam to her

They locked arms 

And she grew 

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She grew 

She grew 

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She surprised her makers with a hello 

She wasn’t planned and

They didn’t know how to take the news 

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She was fighter 

She lived through the doctors visits

Her heart beat for her another day 

So excited for life 

She left her home a month early 

Her landlord, not a word to say

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She was loved, she knew 

But unwanted, she felt 

Each morning she feared the ridicule 

Each night she shuffled the cards she was dealt 

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Every moment that she had a breath to take

She feared the choices that she would ultimately have to make 

To stand up for the person she knew she was 

To stand up to the people who were suppose to show her love 

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She met him

They locked arms 

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She grew 

She grew 

She grew 

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He took her away from home 

Saved her 

But broke her too 

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With him 

She began to learn what it meant to be herself 

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Wanting to be loved 

But he reinforced the doubt she felt

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It imprinted on her 

Like the skin she lives in 

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Penetrated her mind 

Inhabited the dreams she slept with 

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She lived her life onward 

Pushed through 

Defeated 

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She made sure 

It was never a man she needed 

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She poured out her heart 

Giving all her love 

To those she cared for 

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From those she loved 

She never expected more 

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She wondered sometimes 

Why the journey 

Played out the way it did 

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Why one survived 

And the other one didn’t 

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She questioned sometimes 

Her purpose 

Her place in this time

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She wondered 

When the chaos would end 

She wondered

When peace would take over her life 

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The question remains 

And she may not ever know 

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But for the first time 

Since she was a little girl

She saw the treasure waiting for her

At the end of the rainbow 

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Neversilencethemadness.com 

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#bloggerstyle #blogger #poetry #poemsofinstagram #poetrylovers #photgraphy 

SUNDAY SPOKEN WORD: Dimples, Deep as the Oceans

Just a poem about a woman who lost her son in one of the most unimaginable heartbreaking ways and the way that she still smiles toward the world and tries to carry on with her life. We never know the hurt that is going on within someone else. So, let’s all please be kind, love, allow yourself to be loved, and ask for the help when you need it. ❤️

original poem : Dimples, Deep as the Oceans

He Made You Believe

When his lips touched yours 

All the wailing cries from every heartbreak 

Were sucked out of your body 

Like a cleansing of your soul

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When your fingers touched, 

Every tear you cried became the fuel for a better tomorrow 

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When you handed him you heart, he buffed out all the imperfections 

Left by the men that couldn’t handle you 

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And he gave it back nearly perfect 

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He made you believe that you were his forever 

He made you believe that he was yours too 

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The happiness in your smile makes me believe 

That you thought he would never leave you 

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He spoke to you of all the ways 

And all the ways 

And all the ways 

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He spoke to you of the future 

And all the days 

And the way he would stay. 

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He held your hand and you thought

“This warmth could survive me through a winter storm”

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You wouldn’t imagine life without him anymore 

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Yes, he made you believe 

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That it was you and him forever 

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You couldn’t have known that it would be your last December 

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When he walked away so suddenly, your heart was ripped entirely from your chest

He promised you so much more

He handed you so much less

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He made you believe you were his forever

He made you believe he was yours too

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Then you were stuck in the sidelines as he rode away with her to get away from you

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As he rode into the sunset with his new love between his arms

You were deserted, deflated, embarrassed, appalled

Because the one you loved so quickly

Never really loved you at all

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Neversilencethemadness.com 

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#bloggerstyle #blogger #poetry #poemsofinstagram #poetrylovers #poet 

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SUNDAY SPOKEN WORD: Rediscovery

I wrote this poem back in 2016, after moving to LA from Northern California. I came here for Nursing School and I made the move all alone. I walked away from a long term relationship because he wasn’t ready to make the move with me and that left me feeling very confused. I was proud of myself for making the move, for my future, for my well being. I was excited because I was beginning this new chapter of my life filled with growth and it was a road I knew without a doubt that I wanted to take, but walking away from someone that I had spent the last 6 years with in the same breath, was heartbreaking. The first year or two in LA was a time for rediscovery. I was learning how to live my life for myself and not having to worry about another persons needs. For the first time in my life, I was only needing to care about what I wanted and what I needed. But I was left with insecurities that ran deep into my childhood and were reinforced by a relationship that didn’t work. That’s when I found my passion in dancing again and I realized within those years how much dancing filled me with happiness, and confidence. It took time before I was able to slowly break free from some of the constraints I had within myself, but I owe all of it to music, dance, and a special someone that never gave up on me. In the moments that I was at my lowest, I had someone new in my life that never let me feel the insecurities that weighed me down. When I didn’t have the confidence to shake the thoughts off, he was there to remind me of how amazing he thought I was. Eventually, I began to believe it.

It’s amazingly true, that positive affirmations can change your mindset and change your life. Even when I struggled to believe ALL the things, he pushed me to say them over and over again. He made me believe them, and eventually I rediscovered the love that I had for myself.

I still struggle on a daily with insecurities, with anxiety. I still question myself and have doubts. I still keep myself in a bubble and shy away from things that I enjoy because of my own fears of letting loose. But I work on it every day as well. I have a supportive partner that encourages me to love myself and reminds me of all my potential. Every day, I hope to rediscover more about myself, love more about myself, and break away from the bubble I keep myself in. Every day is a new chance for change and growth that I hope to continue for the rest of my life.

original poem : Rediscovery

I KNOW YOU LOVE HIM

I know your heart aches for him hun

But he is no longer yours to love 

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I’m sorry that he rode past you in the sunset 

I’m sorry that he made you feel as though you weren’t enough

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He took the little pieces of your broken heart, sewed them back together 

Just to take that seam apart 

His bear hands with a ripper

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I know you love him babe

But his heart belongs to someone else

He took his heart 

Placed it in her hands

The cards that he holds

Are the cards that he’s been dealt 

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You need to let him go, love

His hands are no longer the hands for you to grasp when you are afraid 

Because when she becomes lonely 

her body is where his hands lay 

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women move on when they are ready 

Not a second too soon, not a moment too late

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But hun, you cannot fight what is fate 

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There is so much more to life, love

You will find the one that wants you near 

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But he is not the one you are searching for 

The love of your life, is not him, my dear

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Neversilencethemadness.com 

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#bloggerstyle #blogger #poetry #poemsofinstagram #poetrylovers #poet 

SUNDAY SPOKEN WORD: Don’t Lift Me Up to Drop me

I’ve always LOVED listening to spoken word. Some really amazing poets have made me cry my eyes out with their beautiful words and the way that they convey those emotions in spoken word. I have been shy my entire life and things that I am passionate about are things that I find difficult to be open and vulnerable in. I decided to start recording my poems starting from the first one I have posted here on my blog.

I have always been super uncomfortable on camera especially on video, but I want to start breaking out of my little shy bubble and trying different things for my own self growth and self love.

This is my first time recording a poem like this, so please be gentle. One day I hope to be able to not be so shy and perform my poetry with the emotions that I feel with them…. until then… here I go…..

original poem : Don’t lift me up to drop me

MY GRANDMA’S LAST GOODBYE

A lot happened in the short amount of time between when my grandma got sick and when I lost her. The timeline is something that I feel like I will forever hold dear. In my last full conversation with my grandmother, she spontaneously called my sister and I on video chat and she talked to us while I was on my way to work. She spoke of all the things she normally mentioned, we said our goodbyes, we told her we loved her and that we would talk to her later.

The thing that I thought was odd about that goodbye, was that she asked me to call her on my break. She never asked me to call her that quickly. She would usually say something to the effect of “call me later, talk to you soon” but she never told me to call her on my lunch break. I didn’t think too much of it, but the next time I was able to really talk to her, she was on oxygen. We spoke for a moment, she was able to talk to me, but I could tell it was hard for her to speak for very long, so I told her to rest and that I would call her again soon. She gained her wings a few days after that.

I fight tears typing this memory of my last moments with my Grandma because, like everyone I know that has lost a loved one, we wish we had more time, we wish the phone call was longer, we wish we could have visited one last time. I know that I called my grandma often, I know that I always made sure I told her how much I loved her, and how much I missed her, but I wish I could have done more.

She helped raise me my entire life. My memories of her are all good ones; rocking me on her legs when I was sick, hanging out with me at the mall. She would always stop at McDonald’s and get a fish filet with fries and no salt with a Diet Coke. It wasn’t until I became an adult that I realized it was never called a fish filet, and that it was called “filet of fish”. She would walk me to the library as a kid and feed my love of books. We would go to random stores and she would ask me to pick something out that I wanted, and I was always browsing book stores for my next favorite read. We would sing karaoke together as my Grandpa would say we were out of tune 😂. I would help her with her little yard sales and packing her balikbayan boxes.

My Grandma held one of the biggest parts of my heart and losing her was something I feared for forever.

ANYWAY

The point of my post was not to reminisce about my Grandma, but to tell you about a dream I had after she passed away.

Whatever your spiritual or religious beliefs are, I have to say, there is definitely a common thread between people that have lost loved ones, and then dreaming of their loved ones saying goodbye.

A few days after losing my Grandma, I had a dream. I was being driven by someone on the backroad of somewhere. It was evening it seemed like. looked like a storm was coming but it wasn’t raining yet. I was thinking that I needed to find my Grandma because I knew she was leaving and I needed to see her before she left. I ended up catching her going in the opposite direction as I was on the road, and we flipped a U-turn and met up with my Grandma in some garage. We both got out of the car and hugged each other super tight. We were both crying and I was telling her

“I don’t want you to go home yet, I don’t want you to go”

and my Grandma replied “I have to go”

It was then that I woke up and I was balling my eyes out. The rest of that day was a hard day. But I knew that she was telling me goodbye. She was giving my soul a last hug from her. She was letting me know that everything was going to be okay.

I heard somewhere that when we lose loved ones, we are so saddened by that loss, we are sad for them. The reality is, when our loved ones gain their wings, they are at peace. They are surrounded by their lost loved ones. They are happy. The reason why we are so saddened is because we are sad for the moments we won’t have with them, the moments we will miss them, the moments we want them to have with us.

I am sure that our loved ones are sad to leave our physical world. but once they gain their wings, they can be with us always. They will be with us in all those moments, they are beside us when we need them most.

Maybe you don’t believe in the afterlife. Maybe you don’t believe in spirits or them being able to visit after death. But for me, I find comfort in knowing my Grandma reached out to me. She gave me a hug before she left. We cried together, we said goodbye. And she waits in heaven with Grandpa and her siblings, for the day that we are all together again.

For anyone that knew my during all my prerequisites in college, this EXACTLY what I looked like on the couch studying. Every single day.

I LET HER SLEEP BECAUSE I KNOW…

I let her sleep because I know .. 

when she’s awake her thoughts are a minefield 

Speckled with all the moments that make her heart explode with sadness 

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When she is caught dreaming 

I let her enjoy those minutes

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Because I know that the second she is awake 

She is bombarded with a laundry list that she alone has made urgent

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I let her sleep because for a few short breaths

Her brows are unfurled 

Her face, peaceful 

And as soon as that is interrupted 

The worry and anxiety creep in 

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Every “what if” is a scenario that has happened

All possibilities become fact 

Intervened by the rational parts of her mind 

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Her psyche 

A sword fight 

With no real winner 

While she sits in the audience preparing for which 

Long lost friend she will have to have to put to rest first 

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Her body 

Ready to fight 

Her legs ready for flight 

Adrenaline coursing through her veins 

To save her from the unknown monster 

She’s struggling with that day 

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You see… 

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I let her sleep because I love her 

I let her sleep because there is only so much I can do to save her 

There is only so much I can do to protect her 

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And when I see her peaceful,

Even for just a moment,

I could never take that from her

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Neversilencethemadness.com 

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#bloggerstyle #blogger #poetry #poemsofinstagram #poetrylovers

WHEN DEATH CAME KNOCKING

I understand why she wanted

To walk away from this world

Why, when death started knocking

She opened the door and let him in

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She was tired of all the moments that her heart broke

She was tired  of mustering  all her strength to put it back together

She was tired of the endless fear 

The chipping away of her plaster encased heart

And the fragile contents within

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When death came knocking 

She smiled and opened the door 

“I’ve been waiting for you” she said 

“Take me, death.  I have grown impatient”

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What torture this life has been

The never ending strive for better

For happiness 

For success 

For love 

For acceptance 

For laughs 

And hugs 

And tender fingertips 

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Passionate kisses were never so hard to find

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And 

A man that would throw her heart around 

Was always around the corner

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But when morning comes

And the truth invades

She wished that she could not exist 

She wished that she could tear through the temporary comfort that softened her fall 

She wished she could rip through her own skin 

Make herself inside out 

Bleed until she slept an endless nap 

She wanted to break faces 

Hear her echoed screams 

Burn a house down to its bones

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Why was life so difficult?

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Why was happiness a foreign language,

That surfaced so few and far between?

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She wanted it all to stop 

Her worry 

Her beating heart 

Her fear 

Her tears 

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And then death came knocking at her door 

She smiled her own mischievous smile 

And said .. 

“Take me”

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Neversilencethemadness.com 

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#bloggerstyle #blogger #poetry #poemsofinstagram #poetrylovers

POT PIES REMIND ME OF MY MOTHER

As I sit here on my lunch break at work tonight

I dig into the first pot pie I’ve had in years 

Daydream of my childhood 

When my mom would make pot pies for dinner 

When we had blueberry pie and vanilla ice cream for a treat 

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I didn’t know then

What a simple pot pie would mean to me now 

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I didn’t know before

The warmth of this pot pie 

Would also bring warmth to my heart 

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Remembrance of the family I lost

The time we had together 

The aroma of laughter 

And a stomach full of stability and peace 

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Pot pies, apparently remind me of my mother 

Of the days when she was my mommy 

Of the long evenings playing in the backyard 

Of the living room workouts 

Of the halloween costumes that she would make from scratch

Of the movie dates 

Of karate class

When she would cheer me on from the side lines hoping I would eventually throw a punch

Of the leotards for gymnastics 

Of the cartwheels I couldn’t do

Of the long sushi lunch

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It all reminds me of her

Of my little hand in hers 

Of our chubby fingers 

And our chubby toes 

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Laughing about the little things that only her and I know

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Pot pies remind me a lot of my mother 

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When she would call us in for dinner 

Dance her way around 

With hugs strong enough to smother

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When she would sit us all down 

Sing her way to the freezer

And then surprise us with dessert

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Neversilencethemadness.com 

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#bloggerstyle #blogger #poetry #poemsofinstagram #poetrylovers

She Wondered if He Ever Spoke of Her Like That

All she wanted was to feel his finger tips 

She wanted to hear songs about their future

She wanted see the score wrap around their bodies as he spoke of all the ways he loved her 

She wanted nothing more than to be aroused by the tales of his day

The plans that he’s made 

The blueprint of his life that had her etched into every corner 

She wanted to feel his lips between hers 

Electricity 

Magnetism 

Fire 

She hungered for him 

Not only his skin 

And his kisses 

Or the way that he looked at her 

She hungered for his mind and his strength 

His vulnerability 

His passion 

His erudite rant on all the things she once knew nothing of 

Or even cared to know 

Watching his wheels turn as he spoke of all the things he loved 

The details of every manufacturer, the rational for every dip and turn 

The intricacies of every click and clack 

The admiration of the beauty and the perfection 

She wondered, 

if he ever spoke of her like that 

Response to #NSTMPP “ERUDITE”

The Petals of the Rose I Am Born

I am defeated 

Wilted 

The petals of the rose I am born 

Pathetic 

In the way she lacks to stand 

The spine 

Her fibers once full of hydration 

Cannot bear to hold her up 

She is thirsty 

Days she went without satisfying the quench 

Days she needed to replenish 

But she lay there wilted 

Not saying a word 

Breaking 

Falling apart 

Pliable 

For the inability to fight back 

I call defeat 

I throw in the towel 

I raise my white flag 

I have nothing left in me 

To fight for what my heart longed for 

You win, my love 

Forgive me

I do not have the strength anymore 

You Saw a Pretty Thing and You Wanted to Break it

You Saw a Pretty Thing and You Wanted to Break it

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Porcelain made 

Fragile written on it 

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You peered Into the windows 

And you felt the warmth 

Radiating from the hearth 

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You sought comfort 

In the man you thought you deserved 

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As you felt around the doors and windows

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Checked the hinges 

Checked the boards 

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You saw a hidden crack beneath the floor 

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You seeped your way in 

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Not carefully 

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Not  quietly 

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You seeped in flooding  

You broke through the crack entirely 

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You tried to warm your hands upon the open fire 

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You burned yourself 

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Fighting for the one thing that you desired

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You saw a pretty thing 

And you wanted to destroy it 

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You took that porcelain made home 

And you dropped it 

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When You Saw The World As Beautiful

When you saw the world as beautiful

then watched it tear right down the seams

Nothing is ever as beautiful

As you hoped for it to be

She Said Your Name Yesterday

She said your name yesterday

I had forgotten about the good days

Four years had already passed

I didn’t think of us much

Memories were filtered by my teeth
As I vented back then
about the days my heart broke

The disgusting taste that was left on my tongue
As I flossed the plaque away

The tears
Salty
hypertension
Carotid artery disease
As the poison clogged
the path in which my blood
Could run

Restricted blood flow

I once couldn’t breathe

then I found happiness
Living in the life
That was void of
You

but
she said you name yesterday

She reminded me of the way
We spent every lazy day

She reminded me of the way
We cuddled on the couch
movie after movie

Of the way you caressed my cheek in the middle of a party
To make sure I knew I was loved

I remembered how you stayed in bed with me until I fell asleep
Even when you had company

You were never afraid to hold my hand

You were proud to call me yours

You were dangerous
and it was good for me

Like comfort food
You were a fireplace
And a warm blanket

But you were lightning
As well as thunder

I didn’t know you would cause my storm

I said your name to her yesterday
I really had forgotten about the good days
And for a moment
She made me forget all about the bad

But you did cause my storm
Your fire burned down my home

And I built my new life
Without you

Sincerely,
An introverted dreamer that doesn’t want her madness to be silenced 💋

This Wasn’t Her First Time

This wasn’t her first time
She knew what she was doing to herself
What she didn’t know was what she was doing to the ones around her

She looked back at a text message
“I can’t do this anymore”
Unrecognizable
She asks
“Did I write this? When?!”

He tells her
“Right before”

He tried to persuade her to eat a little more

“I’m depressed”

She says

He puts her favorite show
She reaches out her hand to feel his skin
He tries so hard to stay reassuring

The way he looks at her while she’s sleeping
The sadness​ in his eyes
Longing for the woman he fell in love with
The wish that he could take her pain away

He loves her so much
She knows she loves him too

Just sometimes

Her depression doesn’t let it matter

Do Not Let That Monster Out

I wonder sometimes

How you smile throughout the day

As you live in your façade

Preaching for others to live their life

As you flaunt yours

But

Do not forget that I know

What lies beneath your skin

I know the creature being held back

By your dental veneer jail cell

The beautiful smile you flash

As that jaw is clenched

“do not let that monster out”

You tell yourself

But

Don’t forget

I know what lies within your heart

Your favorite paintings

Are those where your eyes are shut

Because you cannot stand to see the reflection

Of your soul

Seeping through the canvas

The fear of the realization of your dark heart

Frightens you

Because

Who are you?

If you are not caring

If you are not selfless

If your heart has not been touched by darkness

But

Don’t forget

I know what you are capable of

And if I were you

I wouldn’t want to look at my reflection

Either

All Of A Sudden I Hear Your Voice

Flipping through the stationary pictures
Smelling the dress you left behind
Reading the words you left on paper
Collecting the scraps of what is left of you

All of a sudden I hear your voice
Radiating from the pinpoint speakers of my phone

I hear your laughter

I hear you giggle

Tears streamed from my eyes

But I must say

It was such a

Treat

 

Fandago’s One Word Challenge

#FOWC

#Treat

 

He Is My Full Moon, He shines Bright For Me

“Masochist!”

you scream

It’s the only definition you could think of

For the reason she stays there,

Unmoved

“Must be some kind of pleasure she gets”

You think,

“to be teased as she does”

You watch her

Looking up at the dreams she has built

Heart growing with each pump

Practically glowing from her chest

As she awaits the arrival

Only to watch it be torn from the sky

You see her

Not a flinch

But silently

You gasp in horror

As she crouches on all fours

Bones cracking

Skin ripping

You watch

As she howls at the moon

“all you have to do is walk away”

You say

“the sun will never stop being torn away every night,
The moon will not ever stop being full at least once”

You claim

“this cycle will never change!
Please”

You say

“just walk away”

She looks at you

Tears in her eyes

Dampening the soul

She shed

Sprawled out on the floor

“but he is my full moon”

She whimpers

“he shines bright for me”

She whispers

“he makes me feel alive”

She cries

With all hope gone

You hide your face to say

“masochist…
Just walk away”

Pit In My Stomach, Where It Seems My Heart Has found a New Home

Those moments reappear

at times
the most unexpected

-Driving

-Singing

Like being hit by a semi

Heart drops

Tear drops

Pit in my stomach
Where it seems my heart
Has found a new home

She likes to find herself
On this trampoline

That feeling

Flying

And the loss of ground while falling

Up

Down

Up

Down

Each time breaking

Little tears

Mini scars

Myocarditis

Heart failure

Working so hard

Just to feel alive

Just to feel

Loved

I may be nothing but a stranger

To the girl I met today,

I want you to know,

that I feel your torment.

 

In the way that you evade my eyes

in the way that your eyes gloss over

 

with the pink tinge of a girl that has cried

from the full of the moon

till it blessed us with its smile.

 

I know you are hurt.

I want you to know that you are not alone.

 

the crackle in your voice

caused by sobbing,

a throat, exhausted by the howling

 

I know that you are void of all happiness.

I have been there too.

 

your anger is too full right now,

your sadness is more

cavernous than the oceans combined,

 

but I am here

 

my small talk;

my attempts to distract you

from the agony you are feeling,

 

my venture to convince you that

I am right there beside you

 

I am trying to let you know

I have felt it,

 

I have lived it more than once,

and I am alive and well today.

 

everything will be okay.

I know

 

I know that you will not believe me

just like I didn’t believe myself.

 

I know that there are no words,

no utterances, that will make you believe otherwise.

 

at least not until the anger subsides

 

But to the girl that I met today,

I just want to tell you how beautiful you really are

 

that his actions do not define you.

 

his deceit is not a repercussion of your worth.

 

the moment you heard the truth

that pit in your stomach, hollow hearted, emptiness

you feel

 

will not be what you will feel forever

I know

 

I want to embrace you

but, I am but a stranger

 

there is a boundary and a wall

and I know you will cringe to hear my love story

but

to the girl I met today..

 

you will be okay.

 

sincerely,

a wonderfully mended heart

Rediscovery

This was also written on September 27 2016

 The end of my last relationship heightened all kinds of insecurities.  “why wasn’t I good enough? why didn’t he want me?” I felt, unattractive, I felt, unwanted.  When I found myself on a dance floor and it brought back the feelings of happiness, and loving myself, and meeting my partner during that phase of rediscovery, really just was the cherry on top.

 

Who knew

that 2 years ago

When she stumbled into your classroom

She was Fresh from a broken heart

The bottoms of her feet

Excoriated

Raw from the journey

She reached The end of a chapter

But the beginning of a dream

 

as she danced to your movements

And mirrored your steps

As she closed her eyes and felt

Every beat of each song

It was As if it were the compression’s

Of a stranger

Fighting to bring her back to life

 

Each step she took

Was a painful reminder

That she took this journey on her own

That the beginning of her dream

Was the end of a lifetime

And the death of the person she once was

 

With each song

Class after class

Slowly..

Slowly but, so very surely

She Danced the bottoms of her feet rough

calloused from the voyage

But now thick

Made to endure

 

with every instrument that she heard

She was ignited

Her reflection

More beautiful in her eyes

Because although she may not have been enough then

In your songs

On your floor

She was glowing for the first time

In her life

 

when you looked in her eyes

You looked at her with such yearning

Such adoration

Who knew that she had never seen that look given to her before

Although she thought she had loved and was loved

The moment you looked at her, with exactly that gaze

She felt, the most beautiful, the most loved and wanted

 

You didn’t know

that she had a lifetime of insecurities

Built up within her

You didn’t know

The effect your singular glance would have upon her

You had no idea that the way you placed your hand

On the sides of her waist

Was so much bigger in her heart than the action that took place

 

Whether you meant it then

Or not

That moment will live in her forever

that in that decaying studio

With no kitchen

And mice running within the walls

You would give her the moment that would ultimately change her life forever

That you would pull her close and look in her eyes and she would know then

That

She is beautiful to someone

Sexy to someone

Good enough for someone

To give her the confidence to believe in it

 

for herself