Calm your worries and feed your dreams
How I wish there was an off switch the moment my head graced the pillow with its presence
But instead, I am left with a bombardment of thoughts and questions
Things I am not prepared to answer
Questions, I am still afraid to truly ask
I wish there was an off switch
Synchronized with the lights
So when I dimmed the room for relaxation, my mind grew foggy along with it
She carries that shield as though the armor upon her chest may give way from multiple defenses
Crossbow in hand to ward off those that approach from enemy lines
Daggers at the ready because sometimes they say to keep your friends close but your enemies closer
.
She spent so long trying to keep the dangers away, she forgot she also wasn’t letting love penetrate her skin.
She didn’t realize that leaving the bandages on her wounds for too long were allowing them to fester
Trapping the insidious
Killing all she thought she was protecting
.
So, take the armor off babe
.
Let your heart breathe
Take some weight off of your shoulders hun
I know that you have felt heavy for some time now
.
Take the armor off babe
.
Feel some sun on that skin
Start some healing from within
Feel his touch
Because you need it just as much as he
Soak in his love
Because you both deserve for you to
.
Take off the armor babe
.
You are okay
I Promise you
writing prompt from FANDANGOS FLASH FICTION CHALLENGE #FFFC
This was how I wanted to remember her. Even though, at so and so years old, wanting to run off and play. Freezing for a dozen pictures sounded more like torture than a distant memory that I would cherish. A memory that I coddle like Teeny the tiny hamster, perched upon my palms. A moment that I prepared to lunge and grab if it came too close to scurrying away. I hope that the eye rolls and the whining, while she squinted to get the picture just right translated in some way to “I Love You’s”. I hope that all the groans and rushing off to someone else translated in some way to “I never want to lose you” and that she knew that I loved her with all my heart.
As the years passed by, the squinting progressed into an honest inability to see. Her fingers no longer had the dexterity to push the buttons on that darn camera. It was too late to teach her to use a smart phone and standing long enough to herd us all together for a picture was practically an impossible feat.
In less time than I realized, I became the one that wanted to capture every moment together. I was the one that pushed her to smile for my camera, who recorded all of our adventures, even if it only took place in the comfort of our living room.
In less time than I realized, the circle of life had made its complete circle. I was making jokes and tricks to try and get her to eat as much nourishment as possible. I was changing her soiled clothing. I was comforting her when she was having a tantrum.
I loved her even more then. In all those moments, I realized how unconditional love can really be. How much of the extra means nothing, when you are focused on the happiness and well being of the people you hold dear.
But, this is how I really want to remember her. Chasing us around to capture a glimpse of our happiness. The love in her effort. The care in her intent. Squinting to get the picture just right. Standing strong for all of us to remember.
original post: And Her Name Is…
Again, it’s impossible to get anyone to understand what anxiety feels like, when you don’t suffer from it yourself. This is my struggle with anxiety, with the evil whispers that anxiety likes to speak on a daily basis and the fight to keep my anxiety under control.
She was always “the one that got away”
The one that loved until her heart bled dry
The one that gave and gave
Until even her capillaries collapsed from being hollow
.
.
She was always the one that held on too long
Until her calloused hands gave way
Until her knees buckled from the weight
.
.
She was always the one that felt a hand reach out for her
As soon as she was just out of reach
The one that heard her name being called from the tree tops
As she ventured out of the city
The one that saw fireworks spelling out her name
As she rode her own self out into the sunset
.
.
Because she never needed anyone to take her on that bike
She never depended on anyone to keep her warm
.
.
She was a fire all on her own
.
.
She may have been directionally challenged
But give her the tools and by God she will find herself exactly where she needed to be
.
.
She was always “the one that got away”
Because the men in her life didn’t know whether to fan her fire
Or deprive her of the oxygen to shine
.
.
The men in her life were either terrified that beside her,
She would either burn much brighter
Or push them to ignite their own
.
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And neither option ever felt right for them at the time
.
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She was always “the one that got away”
Because once she decided she was done
She was never turning back
She was never refueling her heart for the same drive
.
.
And the men in her life thought that
She would always be there to pick them up when they fell
.
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In every love story, she was never replaceable
Her fire burned a different shade of bright
.
.
In every love story,
The new, the next, and the right after
Sat dim in comparison to her
.
.
In every love story,
They looked for her
They cried for her
They feened for her
They hungered for every bit of love she fed them
.
.
Because you never know what you have lost
Until it’s really gone
.
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You never know what you have lost
Until you tasted and nothing tastes as sweet
Until you have hugged and no one is as warm
Until you have tried and realized that no one else
Compares
.
.
And you fear you will see her hand in hand
With someone that appreciates her
With someone that loves her
With someone that is ready to fan her fire
And ignite his own
.
.
Because that is exactly who she needs
When a fire shines that bright
.
.
A man who wants to feed her fire
Not because she needs him to
Not because she will wither away without him
But because he is fueled by her beauty
He shines just as bright without her
But glows with her by his side
.
.
When fire meets fire
She is no longer “the one that got away”
He is no longer the hands that got burned by her flame
They are no longer fires at either end waiting
For who will survive without oxygen the longest
.
.
Because their flame shines brighter with them together
Their fire brightens the pathway forward
Their fire pushes the darkness away from their souls
.
.
She is no longer “the one that got away” because
She is shining
She is loving
She is HERE
.
.
Neversilencethemadness.com
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#bloggerstyle #blogger #poetry #poemsofinstagram #poetrylovers #poet #spokenword
She thought she knew what she wanted
She thought that it was all planned out and laid out in front of her
The hopeless romantic in her, told her that she would fall in love
She would get the ring, she would get married, have the babies, live in the beautiful home with her family and her dogs
.
.
One broken heart after another
She began to retreat a little bit further
.
.
Maybe it was the amount of times her heart broke
Maybe it was a defense mechanism building a wall around that heart
Maybe time made her begin to lose patience
.
.
But she began to feel as though
Maybe she didn’t want that dream anymore
.
.
Maybe that dream was never meant for her
.
.
It was an endless disappointment every time she fell in love without bearing the fruit of the future
.
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It was an expectation that she was exhausted from wanting to fulfill
.
.
She wanted it so badly, she decided she didn’t want it at all
.
.
I mean, what was it all really?
Besides money on a finger, besides signatures on a paper
Maybe there were more cons than pros anyway
It’s not like any of it meant promises wouldn’t be broken on a future day
.
.
Maybe she had just become jaded
Maybe fear had taken over
That maybe vows meant nothing to her future lover
.
.
Either way
She couldn’t tell if it was frustration or sadness
Desperation or fear
whatever it was
.
.
She wanted it so badly, she decided
.
.
She really didn’t want any of it, anymore
.
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Neversilencethemadness.com
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#bloggerstyle #blogger #poetry #poemsofinstagram #poetrylovers #poet #spokenword
I was struggling here lol but ….. Love the song .. so .. eh… here it is …
All I ask – Adele
There are so many things in this life that I’d love to do, but feel so shy to do, scared to do, timid to do. Little by little I have broken through small hurdles.. and today, I wanna try to jump over another one.
All my life, I have loved singing. I would sing karaoke through the night, as long as I thought no one could hear me. As soon as I heard a door creak, my throat would close, and I couldn’t get a note out. I would say, the only person that has heard me sing at the top of my lungs is my partner. Thank goodness, 🙏 he allows me to sing through all the road trips, through all the cleaning days without judging me, without complaining that I’m an ear sore 😝.
He make me feel so comfortable to be my 100% true self. Open, vulnerable, raw. I am in no way, a great singer lol, but I love to sing, I love listening to the passions in others’ voices and I wish that for myself. My partner encourages me to love myself and my passions, he is super supportive with the things I do end up trying.
Anyway… Here I am, working up the courage to do something I’m afraid of. I still feel shy recording myself singing, I’m terrified to make it public lol. But …. why not… live my life, love myself, and stop holding back.
He listened to her intently as the tears fell from her cheeks
He stared at her bewildered as she gasped for breaths between words
Had he known that his choices at the precipice of her love would break her even 20 years into the future, he might have chosen differently
.
.
But would he really?
.
.
As she lay, curled into the blanket, limbs writhing from the pain radiating from her heart, from the memories of her past, he stood there, mouth gaping wide
.
.
How could he have been so careless?
How could he take her gentle soul and defame it ?
How could he take all the love she gave him and set it down as if it wasn’t the most precious gift she could have offered?
.
.
“Your love traumatized me” she wailed
“I gave you every part of me” she groaned
.
.
As she doubled over in pain, in weakness, in horror
There was nothing he could do but place a hand on her shoulder for comfort
.
.
She was right
.
.
Every way that he had fractured her heart initiated the deep cracks that still find themselves way too difficult to heal
.
.
No matter what she did to smooth out the edges, fill in the holes
No matter what man came to her with love and praise and affection
.
.
She was never able to satiate the ache her heart felt
.
.
His words echoed in every future relationship
His doubt and hesitation manifested into her fear for the future
.
.
And with each failed love story, she felt increasingly defeated
.
.
A little more hopeless
A little more helpless
A little more pessimistic
.
.
But his love story, their love story
Will always be the love story that broke her
.
.
Their love story will always be the one that started it all
Their love story will always be the one that took her gentle soul, her innocent love, and her forgiving heart and crushed it, demolished it, tarnished it
.
.
He wished with every fiber of his being that he could rewrite their love story
That he could erase the pain
That he could heal her broken parts
.
.
But a love story cannot be rewritten, it cannot be unwritten
She just has to find a way to give herself the happy ending that she knows she deserves on her own
.
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Neversilencethemadness.com
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#bloggerstyle #blogger #poetry #poemsofinstagram #poetrylovers #poet #spokenword
I Found a Boy- Adele
There are so many things in this life that I’d love to do, but feel so shy to do, scared to do, timid to do. Little by little I have broken through small hurdles.. and today, I wanna try to jump over another one.
All my life, I have loved singing. I would sing karaoke through the night, as long as I thought no one could hear me. As soon as I heard a door creak, my throat would close, and I couldn’t get a note out. I would say, the only person that has heard me sing at the top of my lungs is my partner. Thank goodness, 🙏 he allows me to sing through all the road trips, through all the cleaning days without judging me, without complaining that I’m an ear sore 😝.
He make me feel so comfortable to be my 100% true self. Open, vulnerable, raw. I am in no way, a great singer lol, but I love to sing, I love listening to the passions in others’ voices and I wish that for myself. My partner encourages me to love myself and my passions, he is super supportive with the things I do end up trying.
Anyway… Here I am, working up the courage to do something I’m afraid of. I still feel shy recording myself singing, I’m terrified to make it public lol. But …. why not… live my life, love myself, and stop holding back.
original poem : I May Be Nothing But a Stranger
People cross our paths every day whether it’s a lasting relationship, first and only impression, or a person meant to change our route and walk away. We never know what someone else is going through. The least we can offer anyone in this world, is compassion. We need to have love, spread love, give love, to be able to be someone that is capable of receiving love in return.
Once upon a time
He swam to her
They locked arms
And she grew
.
.
She grew
She grew
.
.
She surprised her makers with a hello
She wasn’t planned and
They didn’t know how to take the news
.
.
She was fighter
She lived through the doctors visits
Her heart beat for her another day
So excited for life
She left her home a month early
Her landlord, not a word to say
.
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She was loved, she knew
But unwanted, she felt
Each morning she feared the ridicule
Each night she shuffled the cards she was dealt
.
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Every moment that she had a breath to take
She feared the choices that she would ultimately have to make
To stand up for the person she knew she was
To stand up to the people who were suppose to show her love
.
.
She met him
They locked arms
.
.
She grew
She grew
She grew
.
.
He took her away from home
Saved her
But broke her too
.
.
With him
She began to learn what it meant to be herself
.
.
Wanting to be loved
But he reinforced the doubt she felt
.
.
It imprinted on her
Like the skin she lives in
.
.
Penetrated her mind
Inhabited the dreams she slept with
.
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She lived her life onward
Pushed through
Defeated
.
.
She made sure
It was never a man she needed
.
.
She poured out her heart
Giving all her love
To those she cared for
.
.
From those she loved
She never expected more
.
.
She wondered sometimes
Why the journey
Played out the way it did
.
.
Why one survived
And the other one didn’t
.
.
She questioned sometimes
Her purpose
Her place in this time
.
.
She wondered
When the chaos would end
She wondered
When peace would take over her life
.
.
The question remains
And she may not ever know
.
.
But for the first time
Since she was a little girl
She saw the treasure waiting for her
At the end of the rainbow
.
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Neversilencethemadness.com
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#bloggerstyle #blogger #poetry #poemsofinstagram #poetrylovers #photgraphy
Just a poem about a woman who lost her son in one of the most unimaginable heartbreaking ways and the way that she still smiles toward the world and tries to carry on with her life. We never know the hurt that is going on within someone else. So, let’s all please be kind, love, allow yourself to be loved, and ask for the help when you need it. ❤️
original poem : Dimples, Deep as the Oceans
When his lips touched yours
All the wailing cries from every heartbreak
Were sucked out of your body
Like a cleansing of your soul
.
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When your fingers touched,
Every tear you cried became the fuel for a better tomorrow
.
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When you handed him you heart, he buffed out all the imperfections
Left by the men that couldn’t handle you
.
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And he gave it back nearly perfect
.
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He made you believe that you were his forever
He made you believe that he was yours too
.
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The happiness in your smile makes me believe
That you thought he would never leave you
.
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He spoke to you of all the ways
And all the ways
And all the ways
.
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He spoke to you of the future
And all the days
And the way he would stay.
.
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He held your hand and you thought
“This warmth could survive me through a winter storm”
.
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You wouldn’t imagine life without him anymore
.
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Yes, he made you believe
.
.
That it was you and him forever
.
.
You couldn’t have known that it would be your last December
.
.
When he walked away so suddenly, your heart was ripped entirely from your chest
He promised you so much more
He handed you so much less
.
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He made you believe you were his forever
He made you believe he was yours too
.
.
Then you were stuck in the sidelines as he rode away with her to get away from you
.
.
As he rode into the sunset with his new love between his arms
You were deserted, deflated, embarrassed, appalled
Because the one you loved so quickly
Never really loved you at all
.
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Neversilencethemadness.com
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#bloggerstyle #blogger #poetry #poemsofinstagram #poetrylovers #poet
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I wrote this poem back in 2016, after moving to LA from Northern California. I came here for Nursing School and I made the move all alone. I walked away from a long term relationship because he wasn’t ready to make the move with me and that left me feeling very confused. I was proud of myself for making the move, for my future, for my well being. I was excited because I was beginning this new chapter of my life filled with growth and it was a road I knew without a doubt that I wanted to take, but walking away from someone that I had spent the last 6 years with in the same breath, was heartbreaking. The first year or two in LA was a time for rediscovery. I was learning how to live my life for myself and not having to worry about another persons needs. For the first time in my life, I was only needing to care about what I wanted and what I needed. But I was left with insecurities that ran deep into my childhood and were reinforced by a relationship that didn’t work. That’s when I found my passion in dancing again and I realized within those years how much dancing filled me with happiness, and confidence. It took time before I was able to slowly break free from some of the constraints I had within myself, but I owe all of it to music, dance, and a special someone that never gave up on me. In the moments that I was at my lowest, I had someone new in my life that never let me feel the insecurities that weighed me down. When I didn’t have the confidence to shake the thoughts off, he was there to remind me of how amazing he thought I was. Eventually, I began to believe it.
It’s amazingly true, that positive affirmations can change your mindset and change your life. Even when I struggled to believe ALL the things, he pushed me to say them over and over again. He made me believe them, and eventually I rediscovered the love that I had for myself.
I still struggle on a daily with insecurities, with anxiety. I still question myself and have doubts. I still keep myself in a bubble and shy away from things that I enjoy because of my own fears of letting loose. But I work on it every day as well. I have a supportive partner that encourages me to love myself and reminds me of all my potential. Every day, I hope to rediscover more about myself, love more about myself, and break away from the bubble I keep myself in. Every day is a new chance for change and growth that I hope to continue for the rest of my life.
original poem : Rediscovery
I know your heart aches for him hun
But he is no longer yours to love
.
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I’m sorry that he rode past you in the sunset
I’m sorry that he made you feel as though you weren’t enough
.
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He took the little pieces of your broken heart, sewed them back together
Just to take that seam apart
His bare hands with a ripper
.
.
I know you love him babe
But his heart belongs to someone else
He took his heart
Placed it in her hands
The cards that he holds
Are the cards that he’s been dealt
.
.
You need to let him go, love
His hands are no longer the hands for you to grasp when you are afraid
Because when she becomes lonely
her body is where his hands lay
.
.
women move on when they are ready
Not a second too soon, not a moment too late
.
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But hun, you cannot fight what is fate
.
.
There is so much more to life, love
You will find the one that wants you near
.
.
But he is not the one you are searching for
The love of your life, is not him, my dear
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Neversilencethemadness.com
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#bloggerstyle #blogger #poetry #poemsofinstagram #poetrylovers #poet
I’ve always LOVED listening to spoken word. Some really amazing poets have made me cry my eyes out with their beautiful words and the way that they convey those emotions in spoken word. I have been shy my entire life and things that I am passionate about are things that I find difficult to be open and vulnerable in. I decided to start recording my poems starting from the first one I have posted here on my blog.
I have always been super uncomfortable on camera especially on video, but I want to start breaking out of my little shy bubble and trying different things for my own self growth and self love.
This is my first time recording a poem like this, so please be gentle. One day I hope to be able to not be so shy and perform my poetry with the emotions that I feel with them…. until then… here I go…..
original poem : Don’t lift me up to drop me
A lot happened in the short amount of time between when my grandma got sick and when I lost her. The timeline is something that I feel like I will forever hold dear. In my last full conversation with my grandmother, she spontaneously called my sister and I on video chat and she talked to us while I was on my way to work. She spoke of all the things she normally mentioned, we said our goodbyes, we told her we loved her and that we would talk to her later.
The thing that I thought was odd about that goodbye, was that she asked me to call her on my break. She never asked me to call her that quickly. She would usually say something to the effect of “call me later, talk to you soon” but she never told me to call her on my lunch break. I didn’t think too much of it, but the next time I was able to really talk to her, she was on oxygen. We spoke for a moment, she was able to talk to me, but I could tell it was hard for her to speak for very long, so I told her to rest and that I would call her again soon. She gained her wings a few days after that.
I fight tears typing this memory of my last moments with my Grandma because, like everyone I know that has lost a loved one, we wish we had more time, we wish the phone call was longer, we wish we could have visited one last time. I know that I called my grandma often, I know that I always made sure I told her how much I loved her, and how much I missed her, but I wish I could have done more.
She helped raise me my entire life. My memories of her are all good ones; rocking me on her legs when I was sick, hanging out with me at the mall. She would always stop at McDonald’s and get a fish filet with fries and no salt with a Diet Coke. It wasn’t until I became an adult that I realized it was never called a fish filet, and that it was called “filet of fish”. She would walk me to the library as a kid and feed my love of books. We would go to random stores and she would ask me to pick something out that I wanted, and I was always browsing book stores for my next favorite read. We would sing karaoke together as my Grandpa would say we were out of tune 😂. I would help her with her little yard sales and packing her balikbayan boxes.
My Grandma held one of the biggest parts of my heart and losing her was something I feared for forever.
ANYWAY
The point of my post was not to reminisce about my Grandma, but to tell you about a dream I had after she passed away.
Whatever your spiritual or religious beliefs are, I have to say, there is definitely a common thread between people that have lost loved ones, and then dreaming of their loved ones saying goodbye.
A few days after losing my Grandma, I had a dream. I was being driven by someone on the backroad of somewhere. It was evening it seemed like. looked like a storm was coming but it wasn’t raining yet. I was thinking that I needed to find my Grandma because I knew she was leaving and I needed to see her before she left. I ended up catching her going in the opposite direction as I was on the road, and we flipped a U-turn and met up with my Grandma in some garage. We both got out of the car and hugged each other super tight. We were both crying and I was telling her
“I don’t want you to go home yet, I don’t want you to go”
and my Grandma replied “I have to go”
It was then that I woke up and I was balling my eyes out. The rest of that day was a hard day. But I knew that she was telling me goodbye. She was giving my soul a last hug from her. She was letting me know that everything was going to be okay.
I heard somewhere that when we lose loved ones, we are so saddened by that loss, we are sad for them. The reality is, when our loved ones gain their wings, they are at peace. They are surrounded by their lost loved ones. They are happy. The reason why we are so saddened is because we are sad for the moments we won’t have with them, the moments we will miss them, the moments we want them to have with us.
I am sure that our loved ones are sad to leave our physical world. but once they gain their wings, they can be with us always. They will be with us in all those moments, they are beside us when we need them most.
Maybe you don’t believe in the afterlife. Maybe you don’t believe in spirits or them being able to visit after death. But for me, I find comfort in knowing my Grandma reached out to me. She gave me a hug before she left. We cried together, we said goodbye. And she waits in heaven with Grandpa and her siblings, for the day that we are all together again.
I let her sleep because I know ..
when she’s awake her thoughts are a minefield
Speckled with all the moments that make her heart explode with sadness
.
.
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When she is caught dreaming
I let her enjoy those minutes
.
.
.
Because I know that the second she is awake
She is bombarded with a laundry list that she alone has made urgent
.
.
.
I let her sleep because for a few short breaths
Her brows are unfurled
Her face, peaceful
And as soon as that is interrupted
The worry and anxiety creep in
.
.
.
Every “what if” is a scenario that has happened
All possibilities become fact
Intervened by the rational parts of her mind
.
.
.
Her psyche
A sword fight
With no real winner
While she sits in the audience preparing for which
Long lost friend she will have to have to put to rest first
.
.
.
Her body
Ready to fight
Her legs ready for flight
Adrenaline coursing through her veins
To save her from the unknown monster
She’s struggling with that day
.
.
.
You see…
.
.
.
I let her sleep because I love her
I let her sleep because there is only so much I can do to save her
There is only so much I can do to protect her
.
.
.
And when I see her peaceful,
Even for just a moment,
I could never take that from her
.
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Neversilencethemadness.com
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#bloggerstyle #blogger #poetry #poemsofinstagram #poetrylovers
I understand why she wanted
To walk away from this world
Why, when death started knocking
She opened the door and let him in
.
.
.
She was tired of all the moments that her heart broke
She was tired of mustering all her strength to put it back together
She was tired of the endless fear
The chipping away of her plaster encased heart
And the fragile contents within
.
.
.
When death came knocking
She smiled and opened the door
“I’ve been waiting for you” she said
“Take me, death. I have grown impatient”
.
.
.
What torture this life has been
The never ending strive for better
For happiness
For success
For love
For acceptance
For laughs
And hugs
And tender fingertips
.
.
.
Passionate kisses were never so hard to find
.
.
.
And
A man that would throw her heart around
Was always around the corner
.
.
.
But when morning comes
And the truth invades
She wished that she could not exist
She wished that she could tear through the temporary comfort that softened her fall
She wished she could rip through her own skin
Make herself inside out
Bleed until she slept an endless nap
She wanted to break faces
Hear her echoed screams
Burn a house down to its bones
.
.
.
Why was life so difficult?
.
.
.
Why was happiness a foreign language,
That surfaced so few and far between?
.
.
.
She wanted it all to stop
Her worry
Her beating heart
Her fear
Her tears
.
.
.
And then death came knocking at her door
She smiled her own mischievous smile
And said ..
“Take me”
.
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Neversilencethemadness.com
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#bloggerstyle #blogger #poetry #poemsofinstagram #poetrylovers
As I sit here on my lunch break at work tonight
I dig into the first pot pie I’ve had in years
Daydream of my childhood
When my mom would make pot pies for dinner
When we had blueberry pie and vanilla ice cream for a treat
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I didn’t know then
What a simple pot pie would mean to me now
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I didn’t know before
The warmth of this pot pie
Would also bring warmth to my heart
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Remembrance of the family I lost
The time we had together
The aroma of laughter
And a stomach full of stability and peace
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Pot pies, apparently remind me of my mother
Of the days when she was my mommy
Of the long evenings playing in the backyard
Of the living room workouts
Of the halloween costumes that she would make from scratch
Of the movie dates
Of karate class
When she would cheer me on from the side lines hoping I would eventually throw a punch
Of the leotards for gymnastics
Of the cartwheels I couldn’t do
Of the long sushi lunch
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It all reminds me of her
Of my little hand in hers
Of our chubby fingers
And our chubby toes
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Laughing about the little things that only her and I know
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Pot pies remind me a lot of my mother
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When she would call us in for dinner
Dance her way around
With hugs strong enough to smother
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When she would sit us all down
Sing her way to the freezer
And then surprise us with dessert
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Neversilencethemadness.com
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#bloggerstyle #blogger #poetry #poemsofinstagram #poetrylovers
All she wanted was to feel his finger tips
She wanted to hear songs about their future
She wanted see the score wrap around their bodies as he spoke of all the ways he loved her
She wanted nothing more than to be aroused by the tales of his day
The plans that he’s made
The blueprint of his life that had her etched into every corner
She wanted to feel his lips between hers
Electricity
Magnetism
Fire
She hungered for him
Not only his skin
And his kisses
Or the way that he looked at her
She hungered for his mind and his strength
His vulnerability
His passion
His erudite rant on all the things she once knew nothing of
Or even cared to know
Watching his wheels turn as he spoke of all the things he loved
The details of every manufacturer, the rational for every dip and turn
The intricacies of every click and clack
The admiration of the beauty and the perfection
She wondered,
if he ever spoke of her like that
Response to #NSTMPP “ERUDITE”
I am defeated
Wilted
The petals of the rose I am born
Pathetic
In the way she lacks to stand
The spine
Her fibers once full of hydration
Cannot bear to hold her up
She is thirsty
Days she went without satisfying the quench
Days she needed to replenish
But she lay there wilted
Not saying a word
Breaking
Falling apart
Pliable
For the inability to fight back
I call defeat
I throw in the towel
I raise my white flag
I have nothing left in me
To fight for what my heart longed for
You win, my love
Forgive me
I do not have the strength anymore
You Saw a Pretty Thing and You Wanted to Break it
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Porcelain made
Fragile written on it
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You peered Into the windows
And you felt the warmth
Radiating from the hearth
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You sought comfort
In the man you thought you deserved
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As you felt around the doors and windows
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Checked the hinges
Checked the boards
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You saw a hidden crack beneath the floor
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You seeped your way in
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Not carefully
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Not quietly
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You seeped in flooding
You broke through the crack entirely
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You tried to warm your hands upon the open fire
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You burned yourself
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Fighting for the one thing that you desired
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You saw a pretty thing
And you wanted to destroy it
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You took that porcelain made home
And you dropped it
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When you saw the world as beautiful
then watched it tear right down the seams
Nothing is ever as beautiful
As you hoped for it to be
She said your name yesterday
I had forgotten about the good days
Four years had already passed
I didn’t think of us much
Memories were filtered by my teeth
As I vented back then
about the days my heart broke
The disgusting taste that was left on my tongue
As I flossed the plaque away
The tears
Salty
hypertension
Carotid artery disease
As the poison clogged
the path in which my blood
Could run
Restricted blood flow
I once couldn’t breathe
then I found happiness
Living in the life
That was void of
You
but
she said you name yesterday
She reminded me of the way
We spent every lazy day
She reminded me of the way
We cuddled on the couch
movie after movie
Of the way you caressed my cheek in the middle of a party
To make sure I knew I was loved
I remembered how you stayed in bed with me until I fell asleep
Even when you had company
You were never afraid to hold my hand
You were proud to call me yours
You were dangerous
and it was good for me
Like comfort food
You were a fireplace
And a warm blanket
But you were lightning
As well as thunder
I didn’t know you would cause my storm
I said your name to her yesterday
I really had forgotten about the good days
And for a moment
She made me forget all about the bad
But you did cause my storm
Your fire burned down my home
And I built my new life
Without you
Sincerely,
An introverted dreamer that doesn’t want her madness to be silenced 💋
This wasn’t her first time
She knew what she was doing to herself
What she didn’t know was what she was doing to the ones around her
She looked back at a text message
“I can’t do this anymore”
Unrecognizable
She asks
“Did I write this? When?!”
He tells her
“Right before”
He tried to persuade her to eat a little more
“I’m depressed”
She says
He puts her favorite show
She reaches out her hand to feel his skin
He tries so hard to stay reassuring
The way he looks at her while she’s sleeping
The sadness in his eyes
Longing for the woman he fell in love with
The wish that he could take her pain away
He loves her so much
She knows she loves him too
Just sometimes
Her depression doesn’t let it matter
I wonder sometimes
How you smile throughout the day
As you live in your façade
Preaching for others to live their life
As you flaunt yours
But
Do not forget that I know
What lies beneath your skin
I know the creature being held back
By your dental veneer jail cell
The beautiful smile you flash
As that jaw is clenched
“do not let that monster out”
You tell yourself
But
Don’t forget
I know what lies within your heart
Your favorite paintings
Are those where your eyes are shut
Because you cannot stand to see the reflection
Of your soul
Seeping through the canvas
The fear of the realization of your dark heart
Frightens you
Because
Who are you?
If you are not caring
If you are not selfless
If your heart has not been touched by darkness
But
Don’t forget
I know what you are capable of
And if I were you
I wouldn’t want to look at my reflection
Either
Flipping through the stationary pictures
Smelling the dress you left behind
Reading the words you left on paper
Collecting the scraps of what is left of you
All of a sudden I hear your voice
Radiating from the pinpoint speakers of my phone
I hear your laughter
I hear you giggle
Tears streamed from my eyes
But I must say
It was such a
Treat
#FOWC
#Treat
“Masochist!”
you scream
It’s the only definition you could think of
For the reason she stays there,
Unmoved
“Must be some kind of pleasure she gets”
You think,
“to be teased as she does”
You watch her
Looking up at the dreams she has built
Heart growing with each pump
Practically glowing from her chest
As she awaits the arrival
Only to watch it be torn from the sky
You see her
Not a flinch
But silently
You gasp in horror
As she crouches on all fours
Bones cracking
Skin ripping
You watch
As she howls at the moon
“all you have to do is walk away”
You say
“the sun will never stop being torn away every night,
The moon will not ever stop being full at least once”
You claim
“this cycle will never change!
Please”
You say
“just walk away”
She looks at you
Tears in her eyes
Dampening the soul
She shed
Sprawled out on the floor
“but he is my full moon”
She whimpers
“he shines bright for me”
She whispers
“he makes me feel alive”
She cries
With all hope gone
You hide your face to say
“masochist…
Just walk away”
Those moments reappear
at times
the most unexpected
-Driving
-Singing
Like being hit by a semi
Heart drops
Tear drops
Pit in my stomach
Where it seems my heart
Has found a new home
She likes to find herself
On this trampoline
That feeling
Flying
And the loss of ground while falling
Up
Down
Up
Down
Each time breaking
Little tears
Mini scars
Myocarditis
Heart failure
Working so hard
Just to feel alive
Just to feel
Loved
To the girl I met today,
I want you to know,
that I feel your torment.
In the way that you evade my eyes
in the way that your eyes gloss over
with the pink tinge of a girl that has cried
from the full of the moon
till it blessed us with its smile.
I know you are hurt.
I want you to know that you are not alone.
the crackle in your voice
caused by sobbing,
a throat, exhausted by the howling
I know that you are void of all happiness.
I have been there too.
your anger is too full right now,
your sadness is more
cavernous than the oceans combined,
but I am here
my small talk;
my attempts to distract you
from the agony you are feeling,
my venture to convince you that
I am right there beside you
I am trying to let you know
I have felt it,
I have lived it more than once,
and I am alive and well today.
everything will be okay.
I know
I know that you will not believe me
just like I didn’t believe myself.
I know that there are no words,
no utterances, that will make you believe otherwise.
at least not until the anger subsides
But to the girl that I met today,
I just want to tell you how beautiful you really are
that his actions do not define you.
his deceit is not a repercussion of your worth.
the moment you heard the truth
that pit in your stomach, hollow hearted, emptiness
you feel
will not be what you will feel forever
I know
I want to embrace you
but, I am but a stranger
there is a boundary and a wall
and I know you will cringe to hear my love story
but
to the girl I met today..
you will be okay.
sincerely,
a wonderfully mended heart
This was also written on September 27 2016
The end of my last relationship heightened all kinds of insecurities. “why wasn’t I good enough? why didn’t he want me?” I felt, unattractive, I felt, unwanted. When I found myself on a dance floor and it brought back the feelings of happiness, and loving myself, and meeting my partner during that phase of rediscovery, really just was the cherry on top.
Who knew
that 2 years ago
When she stumbled into your classroom
She was Fresh from a broken heart
The bottoms of her feet
Excoriated
Raw from the journey
She reached The end of a chapter
But the beginning of a dream
as she danced to your movements
And mirrored your steps
As she closed her eyes and felt
Every beat of each song
It was As if it were the compression’s
Of a stranger
Fighting to bring her back to life
Each step she took
Was a painful reminder
That she took this journey on her own
That the beginning of her dream
Was the end of a lifetime
And the death of the person she once was
With each song
Class after class
Slowly..
Slowly but, so very surely
She Danced the bottoms of her feet rough
calloused from the voyage
But now thick
Made to endure
with every instrument that she heard
She was ignited
Her reflection
More beautiful in her eyes
Because although she may not have been enough then
In your songs
On your floor
She was glowing for the first time
In her life
when you looked in her eyes
You looked at her with such yearning
Such adoration
Who knew that she had never seen that look given to her before
Although she thought she had loved and was loved
The moment you looked at her, with exactly that gaze
She felt, the most beautiful, the most loved and wanted
You didn’t know
that she had a lifetime of insecurities
Built up within her
You didn’t know
The effect your singular glance would have upon her
You had no idea that the way you placed your hand
On the sides of her waist
Was so much bigger in her heart than the action that took place
Whether you meant it then
Or not
That moment will live in her forever
that in that decaying studio
With no kitchen
And mice running within the walls
You would give her the moment that would ultimately change her life forever
That you would pull her close and look in her eyes and she would know then
That
She is beautiful to someone
Sexy to someone
Good enough for someone
To give her the confidence to believe in it
for herself
Never Silence the Madness 