Little Seed Planted in My Heart

Whispers fill the room 

I can visualize it 

Like the notes on sheet music 

Flowing through 

Singing tune

.

.

It’s like a little seed planted in my heart

Fertilized by anxiety

And the palpitations start 

.

.

I cannot unsee 

What I think I have seen 

.

.

Befell

The horror stories on my heart

I can’t un-tell  

.

.

The room is stifling with 

Whispers 

And music 

With stories 

And lies 

.

.

And that little seed within my heart 

Is the only plant I own

 That doesn’t seem to die

Late Night Thoughts Of An Anxious Person

Sometimes I feel so stifled 

Frozen 

And unseen 

.

.

I lay awake at night 

Pondering … 

What does it all mean? 

Jenga

I wish I could make it stop 

I do 

It’s like

Playing jenga

Trying to figure out the puzzle

when it was already whole to begin with 

Every piece 

A clue that I must pull out and dissect 

poking holes through my own logic 

Seeing through my own thoughts 

Piling on top of each other 

Creating some form of a reality 

That is just destined to come tumbling down 

I wish I could make it stop 

I do 

The higher the tower grows

Force = mass x acceleration 

The harder the fall

The louder the noise 

Even when I see it tilting 

And I know just how this ends, the scene 

As soon as the bricks hit the ground 

It startles me 

I wish I could make it stop 

I do 

But no matter what I try 

 I lose 

A World Surrounded Her That Was Always Somehow Unreachable

I looked her in the eye 

And I told her how amazing she was

I told her she was beautiful 

I told her she was special 

All she heard was 

Her face lacked angles 

All she felt

was the way her tears fell from her eyes 

At any hint of emotion  

How she always gave more than she got in return 

All she digested was how a world surrounded her 

That was always somehow unreachable 

I felt her heart in her chest

Palpitating 

From the fear and anxiety 

of her reality

I hugged her close

I knew where the hurt stemmed from 

I knew the doubt 

The worst feeling 

Is to be ambivalent about oneself 

To look at yourself in the mirror 

to stare into your own eyes 

and in the same breath

See the queen you are 

And look away in disgust 

#FOWC word of the day “ambivalent”

My Hope Is that You Also Love Me For The Changes I Bring

I hear the “pitter-patter” 

Of the rain outside

Not long ago

The sun 

Stared with an intensity

Of a loyal wife 

Who has laid eyes on her husband 

Being a tad less than that

How labile this world is 

I curse it

But then I see a reflection of myself 

For I am the sun

Who sets smiles upon faces 

Encourages hope

And freedom 

And laughter 

too fierce at times 

For I will burn you

I will make you seek shelter

I will make you want for less 

Tomorrow I will be the rain

Who steals the hope away 

From a better day

Who brings sadness

And grey 

But also 

I will bring the chill 

That leads to cuddles 

I will bring hot chocolate

And fluffy blankets 

I will bring kisses 

And fingers to hug yours 

How labile my emotions tend to be 

Like the world changing

Outside of my window 

As I love the to and fro of the sea

 My hope is that you also love me 

For the changes I bring 

Little Did He Know

He said to me 

“You are being explosive ” 

Little did he know, 

There was a tornado inside me that I was holding back from  being released.

He said to me

“You are teetering on the edge”

Little did he know,

I tip-toed the tight-walk for miles before I got here

He doesn’t know I watched myself demolish this room

Ripped things off the walls

Flipped over every table 

Breaking every breakable thing 

As I sat on this bed engulfed with the fire within me

While sitting in the calm

When The Anxiety Hits Me

It’s hard to explain really.

It’s a wave of distrust in the people that I love the most.
It’s a moment of suspicion that grew from the seed of the most mundane moment.

Sometimes, it’s the inability to be truly happy.
Sometimes, it’s a sadness that has no reason.

It’s being afraid that one wrong glance can make someone hate you.
It’s worrying that one missed call means that you are no longer loved.

I wish that I could describe it to you in a way that you could read and simultaneously feel, just to understand what a person with anxiety goes through.

Sometimes, behind the silence and the smile, there is an entire hurricane going on inside. At times, it is in the mind. At times, it is in the heart. In the worst moments, it is in both.

It can feel like being short of breath accompanied by the ability to breathe.
It can feel like being tachycardic, but a glance at your heart rate tells you that you are just fine.
It can feel like you are in “fight or flight” mode for hours on end with nothing to fight and nothing to run from.

It can be days of negativity and anger when all you want is to feel love.

I catch glimpses of her sometimes ….. 


The girl behind the anxiety.  


Usually it’s within a candid photograph or mistaken video.


I see her laugh


-minus the  insecurities
-minus the doubt
-minus the worry
-minus the fear 
-minus the overthinking 


And she is beautiful. 


I don’t want you to read this and think… 

Less of me 

Worry for me 

Sadness for me 

Annoyance toward me 

Because the way that I see it…

People that go through this world battling anxiety and still 

-get up every morning 

-want to be the best version of themselves

-have hope for the present and future

-want to spread love and happiness 

-go to work in stressful challenging environments

-encourage and uplift

-LOVE 

Are some of the strongest and most compassionate people that I have ever met.

We go through this world with love and understanding, with empathy and hope.  Even though our moments can be harder to get through than some.  

We can comprehend your hurt, but we can also be your rock, because we have already faced a million thunderstorms within us and we know how to stand strong.  

I guess what I am trying to say, is that I am PROUD of the woman I am.  I am thankful for the  things that have made me become that woman I am today.

But I also catch glimpses of the girl behind the Anxiety sometimes.


AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL 



Countdown To The NCLEX

For those of you that don’t know what the NCLEX is, it is a giant test that stands between you and your dream of being a nurse.  It is a test to verify that you have enough knowledge in that pretty little noggin’ of yours to provide safe and quality care to your patients.  It is a test that is the real finish line in the race you started when you began nursing school.  And it’s a hard one.  Your test can be 75 questions long, or it can be over 200 questions long, all depending on how well you are answering them.  You will get questions that give you 5 right answers, you just have to pick the best one and hope that the right answer you picked is the right answer for the test.  It is a $500 test that, if you do not pass, you have to wait 3 months before you can take it again.  It is scary.

So my test is scheduled for October 18th, and a couple of months ago, I was fine, confident.  I wasn’t worried.  Life had thrown me plenty curveballs already this year, and I thought, “all I have left to do to get myself out of this hole, is to pass this test”.

And then came my fender bender, a week later, a car stolen that we had to pay $600 dollars to get out of a tow yard even though it was missing tires, seats, steering wheel, etc.  Now, a month later and we have another accident.

This year, my friends, besides the fact that I graduated nursing school and was able to see my little brother get married, has quite possibly been one of the most stressful and depressing years of my life.  So much of me wishes that I could just pause life for a moment and take a breath.  But life doesn’t work that way.  Here I am,  tonight, sick, 2 days of studying lost because of whatever bug I’m battling, 1000 more questions of studying that I need to do and more because I am not confident I will pass yet, receiving breaking news that our only car was rendered useless.  I am not sure how I will get to work on Thursday.  It is just too much.  But I have to get it done.

I literally have 8 days left to study and 3 of those are work days.  I feel like I should move my test maybe.  But maybe I shouldn’t.  I don’t know.

Anyway, I’m writing because I am overwhelmed.

I wanted to semi document my journey through nursing school, but I never did.  I wanted to document my journey for this NCLEX, but I don’t know what to say really.

Okay, here is what I have to say.

In real time, real feelings, honesty,
A month ago, I had a long list on my to-do list.  After graduation, I just wanted to accomplish it all.  I wanted to stay strong with water intake, daily workouts, eating right.  I wanted to meal prep, and cook, and lose weight.  I wanted to study for my test and pass.  I wanted to start writing more.

But it felt like I was failing at EVERYTHING

There was so much on my plate that everything was dying.  What is that phrase? About spreading yourself too thin, or watering too many plants that you don’t give one enough water to survive?

Whatever

You get my point

I decided a few weeks ago that I had to drop every other goal for now so that I could focus on my exam.  My anxiety was getting heightened and the overloaded plate was making my panic attacks come back.  So I decided “F the eating right, F the weight gain, F the workouts” I need to study and only study until this test is behind me.

Viola!

Weight lifted off my shoulders.  Granted, I’m gaining weight, my skin is a mess, my apartment, I can’t see the floor of.

But I’m happier and no more panic attacks.

Still stressed out,  still worried about not passing this test. But at least I’m not spontaneously crying anymore.

For anyone reading this, for anyone with a list of goals, for anyone with anxiety.

Sometimes, you feel like you have to be superwoman.  Sometimes, you feel like you have to be perfect; the perfect girlfriend, the perfect employee, the perfect housemate, perfect woman.  You want that perfect body and perfect skin.

But sometimes, you have to be okay with not being perfect.  You have to be okay with saying it’s too much and you have to live within imperfection for a while.  You have to let yourself breathe and take care of yourself.

When I told some people that I was going to throw everything out of the window and just focus on studying, most of my feedback, was “why?! You can do it, you can eat right, and work out, and study, and come to work, just do __, __, and ___” and it made me think for a moment, maybe I am taking an easy road out, maybe I am being lazy…..NO

I saw what it was doing to me, trying to be perfect.  Trying to accomplish it all at once.  I am not abandoning all my goals.  I am just pausing some while I focus on one.

The point that I am now trying to make, is that no one knows what you are going through but yourself.  You know what you need, you know how you feel, you know what you can handle.  Don’t let other people push you into running yourself into the ground.

Love yourself, take care of yourself, it is okay to live in imperfection.

Sincerely,

An introverted dreamer that doesn’t want her madness to be silenced 💋

 

P.S. Picture is of my life beside me because I needed theraflu all day, comfort, and hydration.  Not healthy, I know, but I’m sick, don’t judge me.

All I Ask

All I ask

Is that when I am in my darkest hour

You remain my light

When I have no words

For what aches inside me

And tears fall without reason

Don’t turn to anger

Don’t question my love for you

My love for you does not wane

But All I ask

Is that when I am frozen in silence

Know there is a hurricane inside me

When my hands are clasped

As though I’d like to strangle my fingertips

Please help them breathe

Hold them gently

Cradle them warmly

For I do not mean them any harm

When you see that I am not breathing

Holding my breath

Staring out into nowhere

Just know

My mind is racing through a thousand different thoughts per minute

That one thought snowballs into more thoughts and bigger thoughts to giant ideas

Spinning so fast

Playing pictures in my mind

Scenarios that may never exist

All I ask

Is for you to slow me down

Bring me back to reality

Find a way into my eyes

Bring me back to a standstill

Because when I am lost in darkness

When I sit as though my smile has run away from me

I will need you to remind me

That I am strong

Coffee to my anxiety

You are the coffee to my anxiety

You

Syrupy sweet

Masked by the product that brings most life

Awakening aroma

You

Are exactly what I need

To pick me up

When I am dragging on the ground

Yet you

Bring on the palpitations

You

Give me a pit in my stomach

Maybe butterflies

Maybe fear

But I cannot wake up without you

I don’t feel like smiling without you in my system

You are the coffee to my anxiety

I crave you

Addicted to you

But you are no good for me

Dating Someone with Anxiety

-A boyfriend’s Advice

On a different post, I will dive into details about my journey with anxiety, but right now I feel like this is a post I really want to make.  What I want to say from the start is that, I am also new to anxiety, in the sense that, my awareness of it’s giant impact on my life and my actions is not even a year old.  This video that I am sharing, posted by Day By Daysia on YouTube, is a video that  I stumbled upon while scrambling to find ways to get my boyfriend to understand even a crumb of what I go through and what I need before we completely fell apart.

I want to make it clear though, that I am no way saying that this advice is the end all and be all for All people that have anxiety.  I know that everyone needs something different and expresses their anxiety in different ways.

That being said, for me personally, this video saved my life.  Not every point being made applies directly to me.  But I’ve seen it apply to people I love that suffer from anxiety as well.

Listening to this guy’s list, I learned a lot about myself and what I struggle with.  I felt less alone, hearing that another couple has dealt with the same struggles and have pulled through.  And I felt like I had something in my possession that could help open my boyfriends eyes.

According to Daysia’s boyfriend, these are some tips that he has learned along they way, after falling in love with her.

FYI: The volume on the video is very low, so you may need headphones to hear.

For a partner to someone with anxiety:

  1. Have patience
  2. Don’t judge them for something they can’t control
  3. Break down walls
  4. “your partner’s spoons”
  5. Learning to read a room
  6. Little things/gifts or gestures
  7. Being available
  8. Do not tell them to relax
  9. Stay calm

For me, patience and being available are probably the biggest thing that seem to calm my anxieties.  It’s also very important for my partner to stay calm because if he doesn’t, then we are both feeding off of this escalating energy.  That’s never good and can lead to an explosion.

I’d love to hear anyone’s opinion to this video.  I’d love to hear any tips anyone has from their own experiences .

The war between what I “believe” to be true

via Daily Prompt: Believe

Believe

The war between what I believe to be true

And what my demons whisper

Take my faith on a whirlwind roller coaster

I am sorry that I hurt you

That I take your love

And your care

That I take your gentle caress

And each inch of effort that you make

I am sorry that I watch you as you grow

And sink into the warmth that is your gaze

Yet you still have to sing to me

believe me”

I cry to you

I’m so sorry

But I do…

The hilarious thing is

Deep down in my soul

Underneath all the cracks

Of broken

I believe you

But here I am asking you

Please tell me again

Remind me again that you love me

Remind me again that the love in your eyes

Land only on me

Sing to me again the song

That no other woman can replace me

Sing to me until your vocal cords snap

When you cannot sing anymore

Please baby write to me

Write to me love letters

Write to me the reasons you love every part of me

Write to me in beautiful script

Until your fingers bleed

Switch to your other hand

And baby write legibly

If I cannot read you

Honey, I cannot believe you

I see the agony I put you through

You do not deserve this certain uncertainty

You do not deserve my questions

My demands

you do not deserve  for me to beg of you

After every single sunrise

And before every single sunset

to

“Please

Make me believe”

Continue reading “The war between what I “believe” to be true”

When you think you see me

When she comes

It may be indistinguishable to you

You glance at me

And I smile back in return

Not one dew drop on my skin

You imagine to yourself what kind of life I may have

You imagine the cupcakes I must eat for dinner

You imagine the sugar and spice I must sprinkle on every meal

You imagine the organized perfectly placed items on my desk

The friends I must surround myself with

The laughs I share

The memories I must have accumulated from the amazing life I lead

 

But you don’t know

 

You don’t know I’m tormented by something I want to call a she

Because what else could she be

She’s jealous

And controlling

She’s slick

And manipulative

 

She slithers gracefully

But a bite so poisonous

It creeps so slowly

Like Guillain-Barre

starting from my toes

Nerve by nerve

Muscle weakness

Lung paralysis

I cannot breathe

No strength to hold me upward

Gravity too strong it pulls me down

Fetal position

Finding the first corner

Feeling like I’m drowning

Right from within

Overflowing

Out of my tear ducts

 

That is what she feels like

 

She feels like a restlessness within my body

With no strength to get up

But no strength to stay still

 

She feels like

Exhaling so deep

To rid the body of all its poisonous acidity

Like needing to empty out the lungs

Of all the negativity it wants to say

 

She’s like a werewolf

On a full moon

Howling to the pain

Cries that cannot be restricted

 

She’s like

A shot of epinephrine

Telling my body it needs to run

Or it needs to fight

Tachycardia

Bounding pulses

 

I swear in the silence of the night

When all should be calm

I could feel it

Irregular

As if each jugular had its own heart

 

She’s a constant worry

Distrust of the world

To feel like your most prized possession

Is not safe

 

She hibernates at times

But she never leaves

 

That is what you do not see

When you look at me

 

That is what you do not know

When you think you see me

But you don’t

 

 

 

And her name is …..

You run rampant
Like a storytelling tinker bell
Fluttering around my ear
Beautiful maleficent
The tulle off your tutu
Making me sneeze
As it grazes my nose

But I can’t see when I sneeze
Eyes closed shut
Head down

I could crash a car
If I sneeze when driving

I could trip on the sidewalk
With my eyes wide shut

I could impale my heart with the knife I gave him
As I run into his arms for
Warmth

Oh. You.
Aerobic fabricator
Whispers of all that is worse
Pirouettes
Shoulder to shoulder
Fairy dust sprinkled
Generously within my ears

I had you caged once
Journey to get there
As you slipped from between my grasp

Like a hummingbird
You dodged my efforts
Like the sweet nectar that you drink
You fluidly evaded my need to rid of you.

But once I had you caged ..
I held you there
you manipulative serpent
Like a siren you call
To crash my ship among the lies u spread
To drown in my own dreams
To sink in my own depression

Mounted with armor
I made sure your calls would not reach me
Your hums would not penetrate my ears

But then he unknowingly set you free
Too tempted by the sirens calls
Maybe too blinded by your camouflage

Both of us
Running around breathless
Trying to tie you down
But soon he’s too tired to breathe

He says to me
She’s my problem
He says to me
It is not his battle to face
He says to me
His love alone can give me the strength to beat her
But energy for this war
He has none

How will I restrain her this time
It took much to much before
Cuz her wings are hypnotizing
Her gaze so piercing
Blinding my ears
I turn away but hunger for more

What if, what she speaks is truth
What if, I assume lies
Reality is, she possesses
A third eye
What if, she’s protecting me from heartbreak
What if, he ran away because she is right

No
Her sirens song
Confusing me
From what my heart knows
From what my mind thinks
Tempting
she is A temptress
I must lasso her in
As love is my witness

She will not defeat me

Broken pieces

I am more than just my pieces

Every little broken piece,

Every jagged edge

A slice of a finger

At the touch of my skin

I am more than just my pieces

I can’t yearn for you to glue me together

I can not look at you as though your job is to

Make me feel whole

Because who am I to expect so much of you

To hold me as I dry

To support me when I feel weak

How can I ask you to admire me

Broken

With the cracks so visible

Glue dried dripping from the sides

How can you look at me and say I am beautiful

As you pick up my pieces

I bleed you dry

Hurt you

Drain you

How can I ask you to put me together

When I see you suffer

Each move you make

I will always be broken

I will never be whole

I will only always and forever

Be pieces disguising themselves as something

Put together

How can I ask you to fill me

As I begin to implode

As I sink deeper and deeper

Into the oceans below

And as I sink down and I tell you not to save me

You see my eyes screaming

Give me air

Just please

Baby please

Help me breathe