When she comes

It may be indistinguishable to you

You glance at me

And I smile back in return

Not one dew drop on my skin

You imagine to yourself what kind of life I may have

You imagine the cupcakes I must eat for dinner

You imagine the sugar and spice I must sprinkle on every meal

You imagine the organized perfectly placed items on my desk

The friends I must surround myself with

The laughs I share

The memories I must have accumulated from the amazing life I lead

 

But you don’t know

 

You don’t know I’m tormented by something I want to call a she

Because what else could she be

She’s jealous

And controlling

She’s slick

And manipulative

 

She slithers gracefully

But a bite so poisonous

It creeps so slowly

Like Guillain-Barre

starting from my toes

Nerve by nerve

Muscle weakness

Lung paralysis

I cannot breathe

No strength to hold me upward

Gravity too strong it pulls me down

Fetal position

Finding the first corner

Feeling like I’m drowning

Right from within

Overflowing

Out of my tear ducts

 

That is what she feels like

 

She feels like a restlessness within my body

With no strength to get up

But no strength to stay still

 

She feels like

Exhaling so deep

To rid the body of all its poisonous acidity

Like needing to empty out the lungs

Of all the negativity it wants to say

 

She’s like a werewolf

On a full moon

Howling to the pain

Cries that cannot be restricted

 

She’s like

A shot of epinephrine

Telling my body it needs to run

Or it needs to fight

Tachycardia

Bounding pulses

 

I swear in the silence of the night

When all should be calm

I could feel it

Irregular

As if each jugular had its own heart

 

She’s a constant worry

Distrust of the world

To feel like your most prized possession

Is not safe

 

She hibernates at times

But she never leaves

 

That is what you do not see

When you look at me

 

That is what you do not know

When you think you see me

But you don’t