Sunday Spoken Word : And Her Name Is…

original post: And Her Name Is…

Again, it’s impossible to get anyone to understand what anxiety feels like, when you don’t suffer from it yourself. This is my struggle with anxiety, with the evil whispers that anxiety likes to speak on a daily basis and the fight to keep my anxiety under control.

The One That Got Away

She was always “the one that got away” 

The one that loved until her heart bled dry

The one that gave and gave

Until even her capillaries collapsed from being hollow 

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She was always the one that held on too long 

Until her calloused hands gave way 

Until her knees buckled from the weight 

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She was always the one that felt a hand reach out for her

As soon as she was just out of reach 

The one that heard her name being called from the tree tops 

As she ventured out of the city 

The one that saw fireworks spelling out her name 

As she rode her own self out into the sunset 

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Because she never needed anyone to take her on that bike 

She never depended on anyone to keep her warm 

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She was a fire all on her own 

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She may have been directionally challenged

But give her the tools and by God she will find herself exactly where she needed to be 

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She was always “the one that got away” 

Because the men in her life didn’t know whether to fan her fire 

Or deprive her of the oxygen to shine 

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The men in her life were either terrified that beside her, 

She would either burn much brighter 

Or push them to ignite their own 

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And neither option ever felt right for them at the time

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She was always “the one that got away” 

Because once she decided she was done 

She was never turning back

She was never refueling her heart for the same drive 

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And the men in her life thought that 

She would always be there to pick them up when they fell

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In every love story, she was never replaceable

Her fire burned a different shade of bright 

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In every love story, 

The new, the next, and the right after 

Sat dim in comparison to her

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In every love story, 

They looked for her

They cried for her

They feened for her 

They hungered for every bit of love she fed them

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Because you never know what you have lost

Until it’s really gone

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You never know what you have lost 

Until you tasted and nothing tastes as sweet 

Until you have hugged and no one is as warm 

Until you have tried and realized that no one else 

Compares 

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And you fear you will see her hand in hand 

With someone that appreciates her 

With someone that loves her 

With someone that is ready to fan her fire 

And ignite his own

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Because that is exactly who she needs

When a fire shines that bright 

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A man who wants to feed her fire

Not because she needs him to

Not because she will wither away without him 

But because he is fueled by her beauty 

He shines just as bright without her

But glows with her by his side 

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When fire meets fire 

She is no longer “the one that got away”

He is no longer the hands that got burned by her flame

They are no longer fires at either end waiting 

For who will survive without oxygen the longest 

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Because their flame shines brighter with them together 

Their fire brightens the pathway forward 

Their fire pushes the darkness away from their souls 

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She is no longer “the one that got away” because 

She is shining

She is loving 

She is HERE 

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Neversilencethemadness.com 

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#bloggerstyle #blogger #poetry #poemsofinstagram #poetrylovers #poet #spokenword 

Sunday Spoken Word : When You Think You See Me…

ORIGINAL POST: WHEN YOU THINK YOU SEE ME….

My attempt at doing the impossible, getting people that don’t have anxiety or panic attacks, to understand what it may feel like. Especially since so many people that suffer with anxiety have the capability to appear completely fine, while they struggle within.

WEDNESDAY: Work Up the Courage To Do Something You’re Afraid Of

I was struggling here lol but ….. Love the song .. so .. eh… here it is …

All I ask – Adele

There are so many things in this life that I’d love to do, but feel so shy to do, scared to do, timid to do. Little by little I have broken through small hurdles.. and today, I wanna try to jump over another one. 

All my life, I have loved singing. I would sing karaoke through the night, as long as I thought no one could hear me. As soon as I heard a door creak, my throat would close, and I couldn’t get a note out. I would say, the only person that has heard me sing at the top of my lungs is my partner. Thank goodness, 🙏 he allows me to sing through all the road trips, through all the cleaning days without judging me, without complaining that I’m an ear sore 😝. 

He make me feel so comfortable to be my 100% true self. Open, vulnerable, raw. I am in no way, a great singer lol, but I love to sing, I love listening to the passions in others’ voices and I wish that for myself. My partner encourages me to love myself and my passions, he is super supportive with the things I do end up trying. 

Anyway… Here I am, working up the courage to do something I’m afraid of. I still feel shy recording myself singing, I’m terrified to make it public lol. But …. why not… live my life, love myself, and stop holding back.

Sunday Spoken Word: Broken Pieces

original poem : BROKEN PIECES

Sometimes, we feel like we have been through so much in our life that we broken.

Sometimes, we meet that person that wants to be there to hold your hand while you heal

and sometimes, I think we worry that those burdens are just way too much for our loved ones to hold on to with you and in reality, it isn’t anyone else’s responsibility to heal you.

but sometimes we meet that person that wants to hold your hand while you heal despite the difficulties, despite tears, because they love you.

Her First Love Story

He listened to her intently as the tears fell from her cheeks 

He stared at her bewildered as she gasped for breaths between words 

Had he known that his choices at the precipice of her love would break her even 20 years into the future, he might have chosen differently

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But would he really? 

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As she lay, curled into the blanket, limbs writhing from the pain radiating from her heart, from the memories of her past, he stood there, mouth gaping wide 

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How could he have been so careless? 

How could he take her gentle soul and defame it ? 

How could he take all the love she gave him and set it down as if it wasn’t the most precious gift she could have offered? 

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“Your love traumatized me” she wailed

“I gave you every part of me” she groaned

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As she doubled over in pain, in weakness, in horror

There was nothing he could do but place a hand on her shoulder for comfort

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She was right 

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Every way that he had fractured her heart initiated the deep cracks that still find themselves way too difficult to heal 

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No matter what she did to smooth out the edges, fill in the holes

No matter what man came to her with love and praise and affection 

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She was never able to satiate the ache her heart felt 

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His words echoed in every future relationship 

His doubt and hesitation manifested into her fear for the future 

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And with each failed love story, she felt increasingly defeated 

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A little more hopeless 

A little more helpless 

A little more pessimistic 

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But his love story, their love story 

Will always be the love story that broke her

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Their love story will always be the one that started it all 

Their love story will always be the one that took her gentle soul, her innocent love, and her forgiving heart and crushed it, demolished it, tarnished it

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He wished with every fiber of his being that he could rewrite their love story

That he could erase the pain 

That he could heal her broken parts 

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But a love story cannot be rewritten, it cannot be unwritten

She just has to find a way to give herself the happy ending that she knows she deserves on her own

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Neversilencethemadness.com 

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#bloggerstyle #blogger #poetry #poemsofinstagram #poetrylovers #poet #spokenword 

WEDNESDAY: Work Up the Courage To Do Something You’re Afraid Of

I Found a Boy- Adele

There are so many things in this life that I’d love to do, but feel so shy to do, scared to do, timid to do. Little by little I have broken through small hurdles.. and today, I wanna try to jump over another one. 

All my life, I have loved singing. I would sing karaoke through the night, as long as I thought no one could hear me. As soon as I heard a door creak, my throat would close, and I couldn’t get a note out. I would say, the only person that has heard me sing at the top of my lungs is my partner. Thank goodness, 🙏 he allows me to sing through all the road trips, through all the cleaning days without judging me, without complaining that I’m an ear sore 😝. 

He make me feel so comfortable to be my 100% true self. Open, vulnerable, raw. I am in no way, a great singer lol, but I love to sing, I love listening to the passions in others’ voices and I wish that for myself. My partner encourages me to love myself and my passions, he is super supportive with the things I do end up trying. 

Anyway… Here I am, working up the courage to do something I’m afraid of. I still feel shy recording myself singing, I’m terrified to make it public lol. But …. why not… live my life, love myself, and stop holding back.

Sunday Spoken Word : I May Be Nothing But a Stranger

original poem : I May Be Nothing But a Stranger

People cross our paths every day whether it’s a lasting relationship, first and only impression, or a person meant to change our route and walk away. We never know what someone else is going through. The least we can offer anyone in this world, is compassion. We need to have love, spread love, give love, to be able to be someone that is capable of receiving love in return.

Once Upon a Time

Once upon a time 

He swam to her

They locked arms 

And she grew 

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She grew 

She grew 

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She surprised her makers with a hello 

She wasn’t planned and

They didn’t know how to take the news 

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She was fighter 

She lived through the doctors visits

Her heart beat for her another day 

So excited for life 

She left her home a month early 

Her landlord, not a word to say

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She was loved, she knew 

But unwanted, she felt 

Each morning she feared the ridicule 

Each night she shuffled the cards she was dealt 

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Every moment that she had a breath to take

She feared the choices that she would ultimately have to make 

To stand up for the person she knew she was 

To stand up to the people who were suppose to show her love 

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She met him

They locked arms 

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She grew 

She grew 

She grew 

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He took her away from home 

Saved her 

But broke her too 

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With him 

She began to learn what it meant to be herself 

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Wanting to be loved 

But he reinforced the doubt she felt

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It imprinted on her 

Like the skin she lives in 

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Penetrated her mind 

Inhabited the dreams she slept with 

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She lived her life onward 

Pushed through 

Defeated 

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She made sure 

It was never a man she needed 

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She poured out her heart 

Giving all her love 

To those she cared for 

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From those she loved 

She never expected more 

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She wondered sometimes 

Why the journey 

Played out the way it did 

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Why one survived 

And the other one didn’t 

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She questioned sometimes 

Her purpose 

Her place in this time

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She wondered 

When the chaos would end 

She wondered

When peace would take over her life 

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The question remains 

And she may not ever know 

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But for the first time 

Since she was a little girl

She saw the treasure waiting for her

At the end of the rainbow 

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Neversilencethemadness.com 

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#bloggerstyle #blogger #poetry #poemsofinstagram #poetrylovers #photgraphy 

SUNDAY SPOKEN WORD: Dimples, Deep as the Oceans

Just a poem about a woman who lost her son in one of the most unimaginable heartbreaking ways and the way that she still smiles toward the world and tries to carry on with her life. We never know the hurt that is going on within someone else. So, let’s all please be kind, love, allow yourself to be loved, and ask for the help when you need it. ❤️

original poem : Dimples, Deep as the Oceans

He Made You Believe

When his lips touched yours 

All the wailing cries from every heartbreak 

Were sucked out of your body 

Like a cleansing of your soul

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When your fingers touched, 

Every tear you cried became the fuel for a better tomorrow 

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When you handed him you heart, he buffed out all the imperfections 

Left by the men that couldn’t handle you 

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And he gave it back nearly perfect 

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He made you believe that you were his forever 

He made you believe that he was yours too 

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The happiness in your smile makes me believe 

That you thought he would never leave you 

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He spoke to you of all the ways 

And all the ways 

And all the ways 

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He spoke to you of the future 

And all the days 

And the way he would stay. 

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He held your hand and you thought

“This warmth could survive me through a winter storm”

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You wouldn’t imagine life without him anymore 

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Yes, he made you believe 

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That it was you and him forever 

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You couldn’t have known that it would be your last December 

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When he walked away so suddenly, your heart was ripped entirely from your chest

He promised you so much more

He handed you so much less

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He made you believe you were his forever

He made you believe he was yours too

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Then you were stuck in the sidelines as he rode away with her to get away from you

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As he rode into the sunset with his new love between his arms

You were deserted, deflated, embarrassed, appalled

Because the one you loved so quickly

Never really loved you at all

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Neversilencethemadness.com 

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#bloggerstyle #blogger #poetry #poemsofinstagram #poetrylovers #poet 

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SUNDAY SPOKEN WORD: Rediscovery

I wrote this poem back in 2016, after moving to LA from Northern California. I came here for Nursing School and I made the move all alone. I walked away from a long term relationship because he wasn’t ready to make the move with me and that left me feeling very confused. I was proud of myself for making the move, for my future, for my well being. I was excited because I was beginning this new chapter of my life filled with growth and it was a road I knew without a doubt that I wanted to take, but walking away from someone that I had spent the last 6 years with in the same breath, was heartbreaking. The first year or two in LA was a time for rediscovery. I was learning how to live my life for myself and not having to worry about another persons needs. For the first time in my life, I was only needing to care about what I wanted and what I needed. But I was left with insecurities that ran deep into my childhood and were reinforced by a relationship that didn’t work. That’s when I found my passion in dancing again and I realized within those years how much dancing filled me with happiness, and confidence. It took time before I was able to slowly break free from some of the constraints I had within myself, but I owe all of it to music, dance, and a special someone that never gave up on me. In the moments that I was at my lowest, I had someone new in my life that never let me feel the insecurities that weighed me down. When I didn’t have the confidence to shake the thoughts off, he was there to remind me of how amazing he thought I was. Eventually, I began to believe it.

It’s amazingly true, that positive affirmations can change your mindset and change your life. Even when I struggled to believe ALL the things, he pushed me to say them over and over again. He made me believe them, and eventually I rediscovered the love that I had for myself.

I still struggle on a daily with insecurities, with anxiety. I still question myself and have doubts. I still keep myself in a bubble and shy away from things that I enjoy because of my own fears of letting loose. But I work on it every day as well. I have a supportive partner that encourages me to love myself and reminds me of all my potential. Every day, I hope to rediscover more about myself, love more about myself, and break away from the bubble I keep myself in. Every day is a new chance for change and growth that I hope to continue for the rest of my life.

original poem : Rediscovery

I KNOW YOU LOVE HIM

I know your heart aches for him hun

But he is no longer yours to love 

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I’m sorry that he rode past you in the sunset 

I’m sorry that he made you feel as though you weren’t enough

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He took the little pieces of your broken heart, sewed them back together 

Just to take that seam apart 

His bear hands with a ripper

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I know you love him babe

But his heart belongs to someone else

He took his heart 

Placed it in her hands

The cards that he holds

Are the cards that he’s been dealt 

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You need to let him go, love

His hands are no longer the hands for you to grasp when you are afraid 

Because when she becomes lonely 

her body is where his hands lay 

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women move on when they are ready 

Not a second too soon, not a moment too late

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But hun, you cannot fight what is fate 

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There is so much more to life, love

You will find the one that wants you near 

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But he is not the one you are searching for 

The love of your life, is not him, my dear

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Neversilencethemadness.com 

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#bloggerstyle #blogger #poetry #poemsofinstagram #poetrylovers #poet 

SUNDAY SPOKEN WORD: Don’t Lift Me Up to Drop me

I’ve always LOVED listening to spoken word. Some really amazing poets have made me cry my eyes out with their beautiful words and the way that they convey those emotions in spoken word. I have been shy my entire life and things that I am passionate about are things that I find difficult to be open and vulnerable in. I decided to start recording my poems starting from the first one I have posted here on my blog.

I have always been super uncomfortable on camera especially on video, but I want to start breaking out of my little shy bubble and trying different things for my own self growth and self love.

This is my first time recording a poem like this, so please be gentle. One day I hope to be able to not be so shy and perform my poetry with the emotions that I feel with them…. until then… here I go…..

original poem : Don’t lift me up to drop me

MY GRANDMA’S LAST GOODBYE

A lot happened in the short amount of time between when my grandma got sick and when I lost her. The timeline is something that I feel like I will forever hold dear. In my last full conversation with my grandmother, she spontaneously called my sister and I on video chat and she talked to us while I was on my way to work. She spoke of all the things she normally mentioned, we said our goodbyes, we told her we loved her and that we would talk to her later.

The thing that I thought was odd about that goodbye, was that she asked me to call her on my break. She never asked me to call her that quickly. She would usually say something to the effect of “call me later, talk to you soon” but she never told me to call her on my lunch break. I didn’t think too much of it, but the next time I was able to really talk to her, she was on oxygen. We spoke for a moment, she was able to talk to me, but I could tell it was hard for her to speak for very long, so I told her to rest and that I would call her again soon. She gained her wings a few days after that.

I fight tears typing this memory of my last moments with my Grandma because, like everyone I know that has lost a loved one, we wish we had more time, we wish the phone call was longer, we wish we could have visited one last time. I know that I called my grandma often, I know that I always made sure I told her how much I loved her, and how much I missed her, but I wish I could have done more.

She helped raise me my entire life. My memories of her are all good ones; rocking me on her legs when I was sick, hanging out with me at the mall. She would always stop at McDonald’s and get a fish filet with fries and no salt with a Diet Coke. It wasn’t until I became an adult that I realized it was never called a fish filet, and that it was called “filet of fish”. She would walk me to the library as a kid and feed my love of books. We would go to random stores and she would ask me to pick something out that I wanted, and I was always browsing book stores for my next favorite read. We would sing karaoke together as my Grandpa would say we were out of tune 😂. I would help her with her little yard sales and packing her balikbayan boxes.

My Grandma held one of the biggest parts of my heart and losing her was something I feared for forever.

ANYWAY

The point of my post was not to reminisce about my Grandma, but to tell you about a dream I had after she passed away.

Whatever your spiritual or religious beliefs are, I have to say, there is definitely a common thread between people that have lost loved ones, and then dreaming of their loved ones saying goodbye.

A few days after losing my Grandma, I had a dream. I was being driven by someone on the backroad of somewhere. It was evening it seemed like. looked like a storm was coming but it wasn’t raining yet. I was thinking that I needed to find my Grandma because I knew she was leaving and I needed to see her before she left. I ended up catching her going in the opposite direction as I was on the road, and we flipped a U-turn and met up with my Grandma in some garage. We both got out of the car and hugged each other super tight. We were both crying and I was telling her

“I don’t want you to go home yet, I don’t want you to go”

and my Grandma replied “I have to go”

It was then that I woke up and I was balling my eyes out. The rest of that day was a hard day. But I knew that she was telling me goodbye. She was giving my soul a last hug from her. She was letting me know that everything was going to be okay.

I heard somewhere that when we lose loved ones, we are so saddened by that loss, we are sad for them. The reality is, when our loved ones gain their wings, they are at peace. They are surrounded by their lost loved ones. They are happy. The reason why we are so saddened is because we are sad for the moments we won’t have with them, the moments we will miss them, the moments we want them to have with us.

I am sure that our loved ones are sad to leave our physical world. but once they gain their wings, they can be with us always. They will be with us in all those moments, they are beside us when we need them most.

Maybe you don’t believe in the afterlife. Maybe you don’t believe in spirits or them being able to visit after death. But for me, I find comfort in knowing my Grandma reached out to me. She gave me a hug before she left. We cried together, we said goodbye. And she waits in heaven with Grandpa and her siblings, for the day that we are all together again.

For anyone that knew my during all my prerequisites in college, this EXACTLY what I looked like on the couch studying. Every single day.

I LET HER SLEEP BECAUSE I KNOW…

I let her sleep because I know .. 

when she’s awake her thoughts are a minefield 

Speckled with all the moments that make her heart explode with sadness 

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When she is caught dreaming 

I let her enjoy those minutes

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Because I know that the second she is awake 

She is bombarded with a laundry list that she alone has made urgent

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I let her sleep because for a few short breaths

Her brows are unfurled 

Her face, peaceful 

And as soon as that is interrupted 

The worry and anxiety creep in 

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Every “what if” is a scenario that has happened

All possibilities become fact 

Intervened by the rational parts of her mind 

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Her psyche 

A sword fight 

With no real winner 

While she sits in the audience preparing for which 

Long lost friend she will have to have to put to rest first 

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Her body 

Ready to fight 

Her legs ready for flight 

Adrenaline coursing through her veins 

To save her from the unknown monster 

She’s struggling with that day 

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You see… 

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I let her sleep because I love her 

I let her sleep because there is only so much I can do to save her 

There is only so much I can do to protect her 

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And when I see her peaceful,

Even for just a moment,

I could never take that from her

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Neversilencethemadness.com 

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#bloggerstyle #blogger #poetry #poemsofinstagram #poetrylovers

WHEN DEATH CAME KNOCKING

I understand why she wanted

To walk away from this world

Why, when death started knocking

She opened the door and let him in

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She was tired of all the moments that her heart broke

She was tired  of mustering  all her strength to put it back together

She was tired of the endless fear 

The chipping away of her plaster encased heart

And the fragile contents within

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When death came knocking 

She smiled and opened the door 

“I’ve been waiting for you” she said 

“Take me, death.  I have grown impatient”

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What torture this life has been

The never ending strive for better

For happiness 

For success 

For love 

For acceptance 

For laughs 

And hugs 

And tender fingertips 

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Passionate kisses were never so hard to find

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And 

A man that would throw her heart around 

Was always around the corner

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But when morning comes

And the truth invades

She wished that she could not exist 

She wished that she could tear through the temporary comfort that softened her fall 

She wished she could rip through her own skin 

Make herself inside out 

Bleed until she slept an endless nap 

She wanted to break faces 

Hear her echoed screams 

Burn a house down to its bones

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Why was life so difficult?

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Why was happiness a foreign language,

That surfaced so few and far between?

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She wanted it all to stop 

Her worry 

Her beating heart 

Her fear 

Her tears 

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And then death came knocking at her door 

She smiled her own mischievous smile 

And said .. 

“Take me”

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Neversilencethemadness.com 

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#bloggerstyle #blogger #poetry #poemsofinstagram #poetrylovers

I Will Dance With You Forever, My Love

When the music starts 

I know where my feet will take me 

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When the music ends

I know whose hands will lead me forward 

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You are my strength 

When my body feels weak 

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I am your warmth 

When your body feels cold 

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I will dance with you forever 

My love 

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My fingers will always be there to interlace

With yours 

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Like puzzle pieces created to fit 

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Your hands on my waist 

Your hands on my hips 

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“When you dip, I dip, we dip” 

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I will dance with you forever 

My Love 

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As long as the music plays 

My feet will dance their way towards you 

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But when the music ends 

And all is eerily calm 

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When the room is empty 

And all is gone 

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We will create the music to drive us 

We will find the melody to take us home

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Neversilencethemadness.com 

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#bloggerstyle #blogger #poetry #poemsofinstagram #poetrylovers #poet 

POT PIES REMIND ME OF MY MOTHER

As I sit here on my lunch break at work tonight

I dig into the first pot pie I’ve had in years 

Daydream of my childhood 

When my mom would make pot pies for dinner 

When we had blueberry pie and vanilla ice cream for a treat 

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I didn’t know then

What a simple pot pie would mean to me now 

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I didn’t know before

The warmth of this pot pie 

Would also bring warmth to my heart 

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Remembrance of the family I lost

The time we had together 

The aroma of laughter 

And a stomach full of stability and peace 

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Pot pies, apparently remind me of my mother 

Of the days when she was my mommy 

Of the long evenings playing in the backyard 

Of the living room workouts 

Of the halloween costumes that she would make from scratch

Of the movie dates 

Of karate class

When she would cheer me on from the side lines hoping I would eventually throw a punch

Of the leotards for gymnastics 

Of the cartwheels I couldn’t do

Of the long sushi lunch

.

.

It all reminds me of her

Of my little hand in hers 

Of our chubby fingers 

And our chubby toes 

.

.

Laughing about the little things that only her and I know

.

.

Pot pies remind me a lot of my mother 

.

.

When she would call us in for dinner 

Dance her way around 

With hugs strong enough to smother

.

.

When she would sit us all down 

Sing her way to the freezer

And then surprise us with dessert

.

.

Neversilencethemadness.com 

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#bloggerstyle #blogger #poetry #poemsofinstagram #poetrylovers

Most Days

Most days 

I do the things I Love 

I seek out the things that make me happy 

I love the people around me that I hold dear 

.

.

Most days 

I dance because I love the music 

I sing because I love the words 

I cry because I feel the passion 

.

.

Most days 

I live my life 

Go from point A to point B 

Grateful for the day I have been given 

Hopeful for tomorrow 

Learning from the memory of my past 

.

.

Most days 

I inhale the beauty that this world places before me 

I exhale the impossibles 

And I get myself to tomorrow 

.

.

But ….. 

.

.

Some days 

I miss the comfort of being able to call you any time of the day 

To hear your voice 

To vent insecurities 

To remind ourselves that we are queens 

.

.

Some days 

I really miss the road trips 

The Cuddles 

And hearing your laughter 

I miss the way your hand held mine 

The way your laughter turned your face red 

And I could barely catch a glimpse of your eyes 

.

.

Some days 

I fear that I will never be able to laugh again 

That I will forever only be able to giggle 

That I will only have enough happiness in me to smile 

.

.

Some days 

I fear that I will never be whole 

Because you are no longer with me 

There will always be a veil of sadness 

There will always be a piece missing 

.

.

Most days, mother

I tell myself that everything happens for a reason 

I find comfort in knowing that you are happy and at peace 

Free of the stress and struggle that the physical world hands us 

.

.

But some days, mother 

My heart breaks from your absence 

My heart aches for the future we will not have together 

For the grandchildren you will not meet 

For the dances we will not dance

Songs we will not sing 

The unfinished dreams that you held in your pocket 

That never got to see the light of day 

.

.

Some days, mother 

I miss you so terribly

I cannot believe that you are not here with me 

But I get myself together

Wipe the tears 

And I make it to tomorrow 

She Wondered if He Ever Spoke of Her Like That

All she wanted was to feel his finger tips 

She wanted to hear songs about their future

She wanted see the score wrap around their bodies as he spoke of all the ways he loved her 

She wanted nothing more than to be aroused by the tales of his day

The plans that he’s made 

The blueprint of his life that had her etched into every corner 

She wanted to feel his lips between hers 

Electricity 

Magnetism 

Fire 

She hungered for him 

Not only his skin 

And his kisses 

Or the way that he looked at her 

She hungered for his mind and his strength 

His vulnerability 

His passion 

His erudite rant on all the things she once knew nothing of 

Or even cared to know 

Watching his wheels turn as he spoke of all the things he loved 

The details of every manufacturer, the rational for every dip and turn 

The intricacies of every click and clack 

The admiration of the beauty and the perfection 

She wondered, 

if he ever spoke of her like that 

Response to #NSTMPP “ERUDITE”

The Petals of the Rose I Am Born

I am defeated 

Wilted 

The petals of the rose I am born 

Pathetic 

In the way she lacks to stand 

The spine 

Her fibers once full of hydration 

Cannot bear to hold her up 

She is thirsty 

Days she went without satisfying the quench 

Days she needed to replenish 

But she lay there wilted 

Not saying a word 

Breaking 

Falling apart 

Pliable 

For the inability to fight back 

I call defeat 

I throw in the towel 

I raise my white flag 

I have nothing left in me 

To fight for what my heart longed for 

You win, my love 

Forgive me

I do not have the strength anymore 

You Saw a Pretty Thing and You Wanted to Break it

You Saw a Pretty Thing and You Wanted to Break it

.

.

.

Porcelain made 

Fragile written on it 

.

.

.

You peered Into the windows 

And you felt the warmth 

Radiating from the hearth 

.

.

.

You sought comfort 

In the man you thought you deserved 

.

.

.

As you felt around the doors and windows

.

.

.

Checked the hinges 

Checked the boards 

.

.

.

You saw a hidden crack beneath the floor 

.

.

.

You seeped your way in 

.

.

.

Not carefully 

.

.

Not  quietly 

.

.

You seeped in flooding  

You broke through the crack entirely 

.

.

You tried to warm your hands upon the open fire 

.

.

You burned yourself 

.

.

Fighting for the one thing that you desired

.

.

You saw a pretty thing 

And you wanted to destroy it 

.

.

You took that porcelain made home 

And you dropped it 

.

.

.

Hollow Smiles

I watched you glow as he fed you 

Abdomen engorged 

Promises; candy coated words 

.

.

He fattened you up 

Rosie cheeked 

Arms stuffed full of flower petals 

.

.

Honey vibrato 

To ingratiate himself with your pitter patter heart 

.

.

He molded himself into every dream you ever wished for 

He decapitated every monster you ever lived  with 

.

.

He woke you from your nightmare 

And he gave you something to live for 

.

.

Why then, do you start to feel like something is still missing? 

Like promises are empty 

Smiles hollow 

.

.

Why then, is there no warmth between your fingertips 

Or fire in your soul ?

.

.

In the end, 

You do not know 

.

.

In the end, 

You have to let the the dream of him go 

.

#NSTMPP

NEVERSILENCETHEMADNESS POETRY PROMPT

I Saw The Way You Looked At Him

I saw the way you looked at him

-Enamored 

.

.

Like he was the one that broke the mould

.

.

you loved him 

With appreciation 

.

.

He was Midas 

And you wanted to live surrounded by his gold 

.

.

I saw the way he looked at you 

-Enamored 

.

.

He gazed downward upon you 

Like a fragile chick he wanted to nurture 

.

.

He fed you

kept you warm

.

.

He nestled you on his lap 

Cursed all the fears away in rapture 

.

.

But he dare not touch you 

He dare not lose you 

Although it broke his heart in every way 

.

.

He hurt himself 

For every moment he wanted you to stay 

.

.

One morning you woke

He fawned over you adoringly 

.

.

You saw that your touch brought mountains 

oceans to rooftops of glory 

.

.

You shunned your own fears 

You kept yourself warm 

.

.

You no longer needed him to keep you safe from the storm 

.

.

You made your own palace 

With walls deep 

And walls strong 

.

.

And you told him 

“I’m sorry

I do not love you anymore” 

Who Are We?

As the stars turn above us, 

Your head upon my chest.

Your skin pressed against mine

Our bodies made to rest

.

.

I lose the line between who we are 

Because 

Who are you ?

And who is she ?

As the stars turn above us 

Is it really important? 

The “who are we?”

.

.

You are the missing piece 

That was unknowingly broken off of my soul 

.

.

I was the missing piece 

that made your body whole 

.

.

You are the part of me 

That I didn’t know I needed 

.

.

I was the part of you 

That you needed to believe in 

.

.

As the stars turn above us 

And we wonder 

“Who are we?” 

.

.

Just know that we are two bodies 

Who are just 

Meant to be 

.

.

She Loved Until She Lost Herself

She loved until she lost herself

She gave until she was empty

She hung on until her fingers bled

And her hourglass was hungry

.

.

She was an inveterate long time lover

each chapter in her life

sewn together neatly between each love

.

.

Never knowing how to say goodbye

Never knowing when enough was enough

.

.

The Bridge Between Our Souls

When our hands touch 

I am awakened 

.

.

Our fingertips 

The bridge between our souls 

.

.

Blood flowing

Vibrating with electricity 

.

.

Tantalizing 

Brewing ,

A potion that cannot be undone 

.

.

Because I want you more today than yesterday 

And I know I’ll still want you more when the day is done 

.

.

When our lips touch 

A fire ignites within me 

.

.

One that only you  know how to put out

.

.

I am set ablaze 

Willingly 

.

.

How could you ever have any doubt ?

.

.

This body is yours forever 

Because it is mine 

And I put it into your hands 

.

.

To extinguish this fire you set ablaze inside me 

.

.

I am your woman

.

.

you are my man 

.

We Were Meant For Different Loves

What we meant to each other 

Was something much larger than us 

.

.

.

It was hopes 

And dreams 

.

.

.

It was goals 

And love 

.

.

.

It was fear 

And disappointment 

.

.

.

It was longing 

It was loss 

.

.

.

I will always remember the way your body felt 

When I rested my head upon your chest 

.

.

.

The way your arms wrapped around me 

The way you carried me to bed 

.

.

.

I will remember how your fingertips 

Electrified mine 

looking up at you 

Getting lost in your eyes 

.

.

.

I will remember feeling like a piece of me was floating away 

When I had to leave your side 

.

.

.

What we meant to each other once 

Was something much more than love 

.

.

.

But we were star crossed lovers 

we were cut from different cloths

.

.

.

We were children from different time zones 

meant to be together, we were not 

.

.

.

Our souls were meant for different paths 

And sadly

.

.

.

we were meant for different loves 

.

.

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I Can’t Be Mad At You

I can’t be mad at you

You stole my heart 

You tricked me 

.

.

.

I can’t be mad at you 

I walked toward you with a veil over my eyes 

You led me blindly 

You robbed me 

.

.

.

And I let you 

.

.

.

How can I be mad at you ?

.

.

.

.

You thief 

.

.

.

Burglar

.

.

.

Pirate 

.

.

.

Swindler 

.

.

.

You stole my heart 

Right from my chest 

.

.

.

And I liked it

.

.

.

#FOWC “thief”

“If She Loves You, She Can be Any Kind Of Tornado She Wants” -Fitz

She barreled through your life

Like a stampede 

She dismantled all your walls 

You fought to keep her out 

But she saw through that facade 

She made you uncomfortable 

She made you question 

She made it hard for you to breathe 

She tore through your life

And  made you want to leave

You opened your eyes 

You metamorphasized 

You broke through

You soared 

She made you never give up 

And She made you want more 

My Heart Hurts From All the Things I Can’t Do With You Mother

Dear Mother, 

There are so many things that I still wanted to do with you.  We always talked about more dances together.  We have gone out dancing together twice in our lives.  I thought we had so many more late nights left to go.  We joked about loving dancing so much, we would go out, you in your wheelchair, and me with my cane.  I so wanted to do that with you mother.  

My mommy dearest, we had road trips planned that we could sing our hearts out to.  We had vacations in mind.  We had scrapbooks to fill.  We were suppose to find ourselves at some French cafe loving the food but hating the portion size.  We were going to smile and giggle at the cute guys.  We were going to let me practice my one sentence of French that I remembered from High School.  You were going teach me how to truly rock heels like a pro, and get mad at me when I complained about how bad my feet hurt.  

My best friend, we were going to get tattoos together.  We said it so many times.  Even made plans to get one before you left on that airplane, but we never made it.  My heart hurts, mother, because I wanted that experience with you.  

My workout partner, my TAE BO buddy, my Zumba lover.  You were suppose to make it to my favorite Zumba class, I really wanted you to see how amazing he really is.  He’s never going to have that first dance with you mama, and my heart hurts because I really wanted him to have that with you.  

Mommy, I really wanted to pick that dress with you.  I needed you there to tell me I looked beautiful in that one or how horrid that other one was.  Mother, should I wear my hair up? Or my hair down?   Do I wear a veil?   I wanted to see you there, smiling, crying, happy to finally see me walk down that aisle.  Mother, I don’t know how I will make it all the way down that hall without breaking down, I truly don’t.  I can’t see how I will have the strength in that moment in my life.  

My heart hurts from all the things I can’t do with you mother.  There are so many things I still had planned for us.  There were still so many laughs, there were so many songs to sing and beats to dance to.  There were so many chocolates to try, roads to drive, planes to fly.  There were so so many more words to write.  

We still had to pick a grandmother name for you.  Surprise you when you would have a grandchild.  You were suppose to spoil her, you were suppose to comfort him.  

You were suppose to teach me how to cook ….. 

JUST KIDDING 

We were suppose to joke about how much we both suck at cooking.  

Mother, there really were so so many things I had left for us to do together.  It’s hard for me to truly believe that I will never be able to do these things with you.  It is hard to believe that you are not somewhere just writing away or dancing.  I miss you so much mother, you have no idea how much my heart hurts for you.  I love you, my mama. 

May we dance together again one day

With so so so much love, 

Your Daughter, 

Angelique Rose 

Angels Show Up in the Most Random Places

After losing my mom, I was flooded with messages from friends and family sending their love and condolences.  I found myself finding solace in talking about what happened.  In random conversation, I would start to talk about my loss, to anyone close enough to listen.  Coworkers in the break room,  friends on social media, any family that would listen.  I was reminded in these moments how much death is an awkward thing to talk about or more specifically, how awkward it is for others to listen and respond to someone else’s pain.  

I think a lot of people thought it was odd of me to talk about losing my mom so casually.  What they didn’t realize was that it helped me somehow.  It gave me peace to talk about her, even if it was about the day I lost her.  Maybe talking about losing her helped me cope and let the reality of it sink in.  I think maybe I kept replaying that day, and the information I learned to try to create some kind of theory about how and why it all happened.  Like some new clue would make things more clear.  

I don’t blame anyone for the way they dodged my conversation or the way they didn’t understand the hurt I felt from losing my mom.  I, myself, do not know how to react to someone else’s loss.  I often revert to the cliche “sorry for your loss”.  

I don’t think anyone can truly understand this loss I feel, unless they, too, have lost a parent or a child.   It’s a very lonely kind of sadness.  

Anyway…

In all my efforts to find comfort, talking to everyone and everything.  I connected with an Angel.   We met a handful of years ago.  She also lost her mother as well.  Talking to her really was a gift.  She gave me hope, comfort, understanding.  

I didn’t feel alone.

My hurt, wasn’t alone.  

What really shocked me was that, although we knew each other.  Knew of each other.  We never really had a conversation, and suddenly, here I was, talking with her about my deepest loss and she was not phased.  She wasn’t afraid to talk about loss or pain.  She wasn’t afraid to keep replying or forced to change the subject.  I wasn’t afraid to tell her how lonely this sadness was or how I was suddenly overcome with the fear of no afterlife.  

Okay,  story time :

Growing up, my mom always had an affinity for  dreamcatchers.  She had one in her car, she had some in our home.  She gave one to me as a kid.  

When my family and I went to the Philippines for my mom’s funeral, we stopped by the beach that she was at when she began to feel chest pain.  We just wanted some answers I guess, as to what really happened that day.  We were told that she stopped in front of a shop and became unconscious on their front door.  As my aunt and I asked a few questions, she looked up at the store that my mom happened to lay down at.  She was in awe, because the store was covered floor to ceiling in dreamcatchers.  She bought a handful of them for us.  It really just made me feel a little more at peace with what happened.   Like there was a touch of my mom wherever we went and that, no matter how devastated we are about what happened, GOD does things for a reason.  He calls people home when it is their time, and there isn’t really anything that we can do about that.  

I told this story to this unsuspecting Angel and one day, this necklace showed up in my mail.   She didn’t have to send me anything, she didn’t have to do anything for me, her conversation that day was far far enough, but she sent me this and it has reminded me every day that my mom is nearby and at peace.  

Thank you so much to the Angels out there that have such giant hearts.  That care when they don’t have to.  Love those that they don’t even know. 

 Just to bring peace to a broken heart.

I Love That…

I love that I think of you
In the moments that I am the most myself

In the moments that I am the most bare
In the moments that I am just me

You pop into my mind

I love that I think of you
In the moments that I am so passionate

When I sing my heart out
When I dance spontaneously

You pop into my mind

I love that I think of you
When I imagine strength

When I watch movies where a woman kicks ass
When I hear songs of a woman’s worth

I know you are near me

and, I will forever

Love that.

The Battle of Feeling Beautiful Enough For a Picture

“She’s so photogenic!”, we say when we see a woman with a beautiful instagram grid full of selfies.  “I wish I looked that good in my candid pictures” we groan,  as these women look effortlessly flawless.   Happy and glistening as they workout or sip coffee.  

At least, these are words I say to myself, when I’m trying to take my own pictures.

There are so many intricate feelings going on in this one moment of taking a picture of myself.  As little as it might seem, the layers of insecurities, anxieties, fears of judgement, self depreciation, and desire for acceptance are canyons thick.  

Let me start with me personally. 

For all of my life, I have hated posing for pictures.  Throughout my childhood, during the time of film rolls and camcorders,  I remember running away from being recorded.  The dread of being asked to take a picture alone.  To this day, I still run and hide at the sight of a camera lens in my direction.  A photoshoot would take a lot of mental preparation and pushing through very awkward smiles and unnatural poses.  Every shot, every video, would bombard my mind with: 

How would I look? 

How will I sound? 

What will people think of me? 

Do I look fat? 

Do I look silly? 

Am I embarrassing myself? 

While it seemed that everyone else looked beautiful on the spot, I felt like I had to take one hundred pictures before I liked one.  The one picture I did like, I felt insecure showing to the world without at least three different filters on it.  

A filter to erase the imperfections.

A filter to brighten my skin 

A filter that thins the face and enlarges the eyes

Showing my body…FORGET ABOUT IT

There wasn’t really a filter to filter out my insecurities of being overweight.

All of this may seem so very, how can I say? … insignificant, when compared tothe vast issues of the world, but it’s actually a really big dent in how we live our lives.  It was and IS debilitating.  It was a fear to be myself.  It was a fear for others to see me as I was.  It was a dislike of who I was on the outside and the ideas of what beautiful was from social expectations.  

It really didn’t hit me, how bad it was until dun. dun. dun. – snapchat.  

I only felt beautiful when I was a cartoon dog.  I only felt like my picture was worth being shown to the world with filters that lightened my skin and thinned my face.  Even if that meant, my face was transformed into a unicorn or given a halo of butterflies, or contacts that turned my brown eyes grey.  How can I say I feel beautiful when it isn’t even me that I present as my profile picture?  

This revelation really made me think.

NO

My profile picture will be me.  The pictures I post will be me.  I will not allow myself to live my life behind a filter, to be afraid to show the world who I really am unless I hide behind a mask.  I won’t let myself trick anyone else into feeling insecure.  Trick someone else into thinking that I am effortlessly flawless because snapchat made my skin clear, made my eyelashes long, made my cheeks thin.  

If you, in anyway feel the insecurities that I feel, the fears that I feel.  I want you to know that you are not alone.  I want you to know that you are so beautiful and that it’s society and social expectations that make us feel like we are less than and undesirable.  I want you to know that you do not need the filters and one hundred takes before you find a perfect picture because you should love yourself the way that you are. 

I wish I could tell you that I’ve had some kind of inspirational transformation, some light bulb moment, and that now I can say “F what anyone thinks, this is my face and here it is, it is beautiful.” But I haven’t.  My confidence and my self love is still a work in progress.  I’ve decided to work on the things that make me feel less beautiful, instead of hiding behind a filter.  I’ve been working on getting healthier and building a skin routine.  I have my good weeks and my bad weeks, but I think being aware and putting effort is a good start.  

I still battle every picture to feel beautiful.  I still feel insecure without make up.   I still like a filter or two.  But, at least it is still me.

Not a dog 

Not a unicorn

Not some mystical mermaid

One day I will beat this battle to feel BEAUTIFUL enough for a picture.  

I will be Bare faced  and beautiful 

I will be flaws and all beautiful 

I will amazon warrior this battle to feel beautiful 

And I will be proud of it.

When You Saw The World As Beautiful

When you saw the world as beautiful

then watched it tear right down the seams

Nothing is ever as beautiful

As you hoped for it to be

She Said Your Name Yesterday

She said your name yesterday

I had forgotten about the good days

Four years had already passed

I didn’t think of us much

Memories were filtered by my teeth
As I vented back then
about the days my heart broke

The disgusting taste that was left on my tongue
As I flossed the plaque away

The tears
Salty
hypertension
Carotid artery disease
As the poison clogged
the path in which my blood
Could run

Restricted blood flow

I once couldn’t breathe

then I found happiness
Living in the life
That was void of
You

but
she said you name yesterday

She reminded me of the way
We spent every lazy day

She reminded me of the way
We cuddled on the couch
movie after movie

Of the way you caressed my cheek in the middle of a party
To make sure I knew I was loved

I remembered how you stayed in bed with me until I fell asleep
Even when you had company

You were never afraid to hold my hand

You were proud to call me yours

You were dangerous
and it was good for me

Like comfort food
You were a fireplace
And a warm blanket

But you were lightning
As well as thunder

I didn’t know you would cause my storm

I said your name to her yesterday
I really had forgotten about the good days
And for a moment
She made me forget all about the bad

But you did cause my storm
Your fire burned down my home

And I built my new life
Without you

Sincerely,
An introverted dreamer that doesn’t want her madness to be silenced 💋

This Wasn’t Her First Time

This wasn’t her first time
She knew what she was doing to herself
What she didn’t know was what she was doing to the ones around her

She looked back at a text message
“I can’t do this anymore”
Unrecognizable
She asks
“Did I write this? When?!”

He tells her
“Right before”

He tried to persuade her to eat a little more

“I’m depressed”

She says

He puts her favorite show
She reaches out her hand to feel his skin
He tries so hard to stay reassuring

The way he looks at her while she’s sleeping
The sadness​ in his eyes
Longing for the woman he fell in love with
The wish that he could take her pain away

He loves her so much
She knows she loves him too

Just sometimes

Her depression doesn’t let it matter

It’s OFFICIAL!

I received this message this morning as I woke up and the feeling of constant dread that I have had since taking my NCLEX suddenly faded away. This journey to my RN has been an extremely long one. Not just the prerequisite classes that I was taking in my early twenties, but from the beginning of my RN program to now has been a long road filled with ups and downs.

I moved to Southern California away from anyone that I knew to start my nursing program. It was me and my dog, five hours away from where we had previously been calling home. Small studio, no kitchen. My makeshift kitchen was in a small room that I also installed a closet rod in.  I hadn’t thought about it at the time, but it ended up being a VERY bad idea, considering my clothes now smelled of anything I was cooking. I slept on an air mattress for months and struggled to wash dishes in a bathroom sink. It was a challenge for sure, but I didn’t care. I found a job, I was starting nursing school, I was independent, and I was PROUD of myself.

I thought to myself.

“I AM DOING IT”

At that time in my life, I just left a relationship of seven years. I dropped my mom at the airport to move to the Philippines a couple months prior. I physically had never been more alone. I was heartbroken, I was anxious at a new job, and I was excited/stressed about managing my first semester. BUT

I WAS DOING IT

I was finding a way to wake up every morning and be positive. I was finding a way every day to earn my own trust. To learn what it meant to be truly in charge of my own life and focus on me and my well being. I was happy. I was learning how to live my life.

Fast forward a bit, I went through an eviction, repo, heartbreak, frustration, complications with paperwork and school. I went through sleep deprivation, getting laid off from my first hospital job after almost 2 years.

This year alone, I lost my mom super unexpectedly, had 2 car accidents, had a car stolen .

BUT

This journey also brought me love and friendships, adventures, the triumphs after the struggles.
It brought me a new level of self awareness.

This year alone, I graduated from nursing school, went to my little brothers wedding,

PASSED MY NCLEX

My dreams are slowly but surely becoming reality. My list of goals are being checked off.

DONE … AND DONE!

I want to tell anyone out there that has a dream. No matter the circumstances, no matter the hardships, or the roadblocks… you can do it. You can accomplish it. It may take you longer than expected, things may even feel as though they are getting thrown in your path just to make you fail, but, If you want it bad enough, if you love yourself enough to trust in your dream and put you plan into action, you can do it.

There were times that I felt like, everything was just too much. But then I would think..

“If I don’t continue this path to my giant goal, where I am right now, is the best I am ever going to get. This day that I am having RIGHT NOW is going to be the same day I will have for the rest of my life. NO… I don’t want to live this struggle forever.. and that is exactly what I will have to do if I give up”

If your goal is to not work your 9-5 and be your own boss
If your goal is to find a job you love with the talents that GOD has blessed you with
If your goal is to spend more time at home with your family, not missing your daughter’s school play because you had to work overtime

All you have to do is to put that plan in action and ask yourself….

“This feeling of being unhappy, being not content with life, is this the way I am willing to feel for the rest of my life?”

If the answer is NO

Then move your butt and put your plan in action.

A lot of people that I have met, when I tell them that I moved from Northern California alone to LA for school, have said…

“You are so brave”
“You are so strong”
“You have guts”

It means the world to me. But to be honest, being afraid was never a thought that crossed my mind. Needing to feel fear was never in the vicinity of my thought process for this particular decision because it is what I needed to do.

Goal : be a nurse

Step 1. GET INTO NURSING SCHOOL

I did

Step 2. Go to nursing school

Ok

There was no “ifs ands or buts” about any of it. So when I say go for it. Because you can do it…. I truly mean… GO FOR IT

Passing this test has meant a lot to me. It means that all the hard work I put in, all the struggles were worth it. But it is also all very bittersweet. My mom was suppose to be here to see me pass this test. I want anything in the world to be able to call her and tell her that I passed. I want to hear her scream on the other end of the phone and laugh and tell me “congrats babygirl”. I want so much to hear her say that she’s coming home and that we will celebrate.

I know that she’s around me, that she’s proud of me, that she is just as excited as I am, I just wish I could hug her and hold her hand.

I want to thank my mom, for always and forever being my cheerleader. Through all of my life decisions she had her opinion. But she also had my back. She was always the first to say she loved me and the first to tell me she was proud of me. She never skipped a beat to uplift me as a child, tell me how smart I was and that I could be anything I put my mind to. She taught me to dream and to love and all I can say is Thank you for everything. I love you.

I want to thank the rest of my family as well, my dad, my aunts and uncles, my siblings, my boyfriend. For being there for me when times were tough. For having the faith in me, that I could accomplish big things, for loving me unconditionally, even when I made decisions that made them shake their heads. I am a better person because I have all of you in my life. I can’t wait to celebrate this WIN with you. I love you all.

My Heart In Pieces

How do I feel whole

When my heart is scattered?

 

Scattered along the paths I’ve walked

 

Like breadcrumbs to remind me of my journey

 

I can look behind me

And see the pieces of my heart

 

The pieces that are too far to see

I can feel

 

Like a sonar when I close my eyes

Like blips on a radar

 

Yes

 

He is my heart

He is my home

He is my future

He sits within the walls of my chest

And he beats with synchronicity

 

But

 

Pieces of my heart are oversees

Pieces of me that I know I need

I live each day without them near

But these women are forever a part of me

 

And the 5 pieces of me

Cut from some of the same cloth

 

Like a quilt

Different parts

but beautiful

if only

We were given the chance

To stitch a stitch

And bridge the gap

but

We are still pieces

 

Scraps

 

And she

 

Love at first sight

I could say

 

From kinder

To always love from afar

 

Months without speaking

But words full

of every day that wasn’t spoken

 

And you,

Forever

Will be my other half

Getting me through my teenage years

 

5 pieces of your own

Cut from your cloth

 

How much I yearn to be a part of your journey

How much I wish I was a part

Of their world

 

But as it is,

Distance is against us

Time is before us

 

But there will always be

a you and me

 

And her

We do not speak now

But she was

my knowledge and my strength

 

As much as I was self aware before

She made me look inward and reflect

she has made me grow

 

I am a better woman now because of her

I am a better partner

I am a better friend

And I am a better person to myself

 

She might not know that she holds a piece of my heart

Even when I talked to her every day

 

But my life would not have been the same without her

I’ve grown in every way

 

Last but not least and definitely not all

 

She is almost my mirror

The same heart

The same loyalty

 

A ride or die

My one and only

 

Bestie on the dance floor

Partner in crime

 

If you were beside me

I know that you would

 

Rock every adventure, unquestioningly

 

As I live my life

On the road to my future

All these pieces of my heart

 

I feel them

Blips on my radar

 

A magnet in my gut

 

Pulling

 

Because I want you all near me

 

I wonder where life will take us all

I guess

Wait and see

 

❤ ❤ I hope you all know who you are ❤ ❤

I may be nothing but a stranger

To the girl I met today,

I want you to know,

that I feel your torment.

 

In the way that you evade my eyes

in the way that your eyes gloss over

 

with the pink tinge of a girl that has cried

from the full of the moon

till it blessed us with its smile.

 

I know you are hurt.

I want you to know that you are not alone.

 

the crackle in your voice

caused by sobbing,

a throat, exhausted by the howling

 

I know that you are void of all happiness.

I have been there too.

 

your anger is too full right now,

your sadness is more

cavernous than the oceans combined,

 

but I am here

 

my small talk;

my attempts to distract you

from the agony you are feeling,

 

my venture to convince you that

I am right there beside you

 

I am trying to let you know

I have felt it,

 

I have lived it more than once,

and I am alive and well today.

 

everything will be okay.

I know

 

I know that you will not believe me

just like I didn’t believe myself.

 

I know that there are no words,

no utterances, that will make you believe otherwise.

 

at least not until the anger subsides

 

But to the girl that I met today,

I just want to tell you how beautiful you really are

 

that his actions do not define you.

 

his deceit is not a repercussion of your worth.

 

the moment you heard the truth

that pit in your stomach, hollow hearted, emptiness

you feel

 

will not be what you will feel forever

I know

 

I want to embrace you

but, I am but a stranger

 

there is a boundary and a wall

and I know you will cringe to hear my love story

but

to the girl I met today..

 

you will be okay.

 

sincerely,

a wonderfully mended heart

Rediscovery

This was also written on September 27 2016

 The end of my last relationship heightened all kinds of insecurities.  “why wasn’t I good enough? why didn’t he want me?” I felt, unattractive, I felt, unwanted.  When I found myself on a dance floor and it brought back the feelings of happiness, and loving myself, and meeting my partner during that phase of rediscovery, really just was the cherry on top.

 

Who knew

that 2 years ago

When she stumbled into your classroom

She was Fresh from a broken heart

The bottoms of her feet

Excoriated

Raw from the journey

She reached The end of a chapter

But the beginning of a dream

 

as she danced to your movements

And mirrored your steps

As she closed her eyes and felt

Every beat of each song

It was As if it were the compression’s

Of a stranger

Fighting to bring her back to life

 

Each step she took

Was a painful reminder

That she took this journey on her own

That the beginning of her dream

Was the end of a lifetime

And the death of the person she once was

 

With each song

Class after class

Slowly..

Slowly but, so very surely

She Danced the bottoms of her feet rough

calloused from the voyage

But now thick

Made to endure

 

with every instrument that she heard

She was ignited

Her reflection

More beautiful in her eyes

Because although she may not have been enough then

In your songs

On your floor

She was glowing for the first time

In her life

 

when you looked in her eyes

You looked at her with such yearning

Such adoration

Who knew that she had never seen that look given to her before

Although she thought she had loved and was loved

The moment you looked at her, with exactly that gaze

She felt, the most beautiful, the most loved and wanted

 

You didn’t know

that she had a lifetime of insecurities

Built up within her

You didn’t know

The effect your singular glance would have upon her

You had no idea that the way you placed your hand

On the sides of her waist

Was so much bigger in her heart than the action that took place

 

Whether you meant it then

Or not

That moment will live in her forever

that in that decaying studio

With no kitchen

And mice running within the walls

You would give her the moment that would ultimately change her life forever

That you would pull her close and look in her eyes and she would know then

That

She is beautiful to someone

Sexy to someone

Good enough for someone

To give her the confidence to believe in it

 

for herself