I Will Dance With You Forever, My Love

When the music starts 

I know where my feet will take me 

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When the music ends

I know whose hands will lead me forward 

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You are my strength 

When my body feels weak 

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I am your warmth 

When your body feels cold 

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I will dance with you forever 

My love 

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My fingers will always be there to interlace

With yours 

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Like puzzle pieces created to fit 

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Your hands on my waist 

Your hands on my hips 

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“When you dip, I dip, we dip” 

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I will dance with you forever 

My Love 

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As long as the music plays 

My feet will dance their way towards you 

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But when the music ends 

And all is eerily calm 

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When the room is empty 

And all is gone 

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We will create the music to drive us 

We will find the melody to take us home

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Neversilencethemadness.com 

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#bloggerstyle #blogger #poetry #poemsofinstagram #poetrylovers #poet 

POT PIES REMIND ME OF MY MOTHER

As I sit here on my lunch break at work tonight

I dig into the first pot pie I’ve had in years 

Daydream of my childhood 

When my mom would make pot pies for dinner 

When we had blueberry pie and vanilla ice cream for a treat 

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I didn’t know then

What a simple pot pie would mean to me now 

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I didn’t know before

The warmth of this pot pie 

Would also bring warmth to my heart 

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Remembrance of the family I lost

The time we had together 

The aroma of laughter 

And a stomach full of stability and peace 

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Pot pies, apparently remind me of my mother 

Of the days when she was my mommy 

Of the long evenings playing in the backyard 

Of the living room workouts 

Of the halloween costumes that she would make from scratch

Of the movie dates 

Of karate class

When she would cheer me on from the side lines hoping I would eventually throw a punch

Of the leotards for gymnastics 

Of the cartwheels I couldn’t do

Of the long sushi lunch

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It all reminds me of her

Of my little hand in hers 

Of our chubby fingers 

And our chubby toes 

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Laughing about the little things that only her and I know

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Pot pies remind me a lot of my mother 

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When she would call us in for dinner 

Dance her way around 

With hugs strong enough to smother

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When she would sit us all down 

Sing her way to the freezer

And then surprise us with dessert

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Neversilencethemadness.com 

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#bloggerstyle #blogger #poetry #poemsofinstagram #poetrylovers

Most Days

Most days 

I do the things I Love 

I seek out the things that make me happy 

I love the people around me that I hold dear 

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Most days 

I dance because I love the music 

I sing because I love the words 

I cry because I feel the passion 

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Most days 

I live my life 

Go from point A to point B 

Grateful for the day I have been given 

Hopeful for tomorrow 

Learning from the memory of my past 

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Most days 

I inhale the beauty that this world places before me 

I exhale the impossibles 

And I get myself to tomorrow 

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But ….. 

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Some days 

I miss the comfort of being able to call you any time of the day 

To hear your voice 

To vent insecurities 

To remind ourselves that we are queens 

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Some days 

I really miss the road trips 

The Cuddles 

And hearing your laughter 

I miss the way your hand held mine 

The way your laughter turned your face red 

And I could barely catch a glimpse of your eyes 

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Some days 

I fear that I will never be able to laugh again 

That I will forever only be able to giggle 

That I will only have enough happiness in me to smile 

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Some days 

I fear that I will never be whole 

Because you are no longer with me 

There will always be a veil of sadness 

There will always be a piece missing 

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Most days, mother

I tell myself that everything happens for a reason 

I find comfort in knowing that you are happy and at peace 

Free of the stress and struggle that the physical world hands us 

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But some days, mother 

My heart breaks from your absence 

My heart aches for the future we will not have together 

For the grandchildren you will not meet 

For the dances we will not dance

Songs we will not sing 

The unfinished dreams that you held in your pocket 

That never got to see the light of day 

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Some days, mother 

I miss you so terribly

I cannot believe that you are not here with me 

But I get myself together

Wipe the tears 

And I make it to tomorrow 

She Wondered if He Ever Spoke of Her Like That

All she wanted was to feel his finger tips 

She wanted to hear songs about their future

She wanted see the score wrap around their bodies as he spoke of all the ways he loved her 

She wanted nothing more than to be aroused by the tales of his day

The plans that he’s made 

The blueprint of his life that had her etched into every corner 

She wanted to feel his lips between hers 

Electricity 

Magnetism 

Fire 

She hungered for him 

Not only his skin 

And his kisses 

Or the way that he looked at her 

She hungered for his mind and his strength 

His vulnerability 

His passion 

His erudite rant on all the things she once knew nothing of 

Or even cared to know 

Watching his wheels turn as he spoke of all the things he loved 

The details of every manufacturer, the rational for every dip and turn 

The intricacies of every click and clack 

The admiration of the beauty and the perfection 

She wondered, 

if he ever spoke of her like that 

Response to #NSTMPP “ERUDITE”

The Petals of the Rose I Am Born

I am defeated 

Wilted 

The petals of the rose I am born 

Pathetic 

In the way she lacks to stand 

The spine 

Her fibers once full of hydration 

Cannot bear to hold her up 

She is thirsty 

Days she went without satisfying the quench 

Days she needed to replenish 

But she lay there wilted 

Not saying a word 

Breaking 

Falling apart 

Pliable 

For the inability to fight back 

I call defeat 

I throw in the towel 

I raise my white flag 

I have nothing left in me 

To fight for what my heart longed for 

You win, my love 

Forgive me

I do not have the strength anymore 

You Saw a Pretty Thing and You Wanted to Break it

You Saw a Pretty Thing and You Wanted to Break it

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Porcelain made 

Fragile written on it 

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You peered Into the windows 

And you felt the warmth 

Radiating from the hearth 

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You sought comfort 

In the man you thought you deserved 

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As you felt around the doors and windows

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Checked the hinges 

Checked the boards 

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You saw a hidden crack beneath the floor 

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You seeped your way in 

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Not carefully 

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Not  quietly 

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You seeped in flooding  

You broke through the crack entirely 

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You tried to warm your hands upon the open fire 

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You burned yourself 

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Fighting for the one thing that you desired

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You saw a pretty thing 

And you wanted to destroy it 

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You took that porcelain made home 

And you dropped it 

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Hollow Smiles

I watched you glow as he fed you 

Abdomen engorged 

Promises; candy coated words 

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He fattened you up 

Rosie cheeked 

Arms stuffed full of flower petals 

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Honey vibrato 

To ingratiate himself with your pitter patter heart 

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He molded himself into every dream you ever wished for 

He decapitated every monster you ever lived  with 

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He woke you from your nightmare 

And he gave you something to live for 

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Why then, do you start to feel like something is still missing? 

Like promises are empty 

Smiles hollow 

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Why then, is there no warmth between your fingertips 

Or fire in your soul ?

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In the end, 

You do not know 

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In the end, 

You have to let the the dream of him go 

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#NSTMPP

NEVERSILENCETHEMADNESS POETRY PROMPT

I Saw The Way You Looked At Him

I saw the way you looked at him

-Enamored 

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Like he was the one that broke the mould

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you loved him 

With appreciation 

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He was Midas 

And you wanted to live surrounded by his gold 

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I saw the way he looked at you 

-Enamored 

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He gazed downward upon you 

Like a fragile chick he wanted to nurture 

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He fed you

kept you warm

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He nestled you on his lap 

Cursed all the fears away in rapture 

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But he dare not touch you 

He dare not lose you 

Although it broke his heart in every way 

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He hurt himself 

For every moment he wanted you to stay 

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One morning you woke

He fawned over you adoringly 

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You saw that your touch brought mountains 

oceans to rooftops of glory 

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You shunned your own fears 

You kept yourself warm 

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You no longer needed him to keep you safe from the storm 

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You made your own palace 

With walls deep 

And walls strong 

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And you told him 

“I’m sorry

I do not love you anymore” 

Who Are We?

As the stars turn above us, 

Your head upon my chest.

Your skin pressed against mine

Our bodies made to rest

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I lose the line between who we are 

Because 

Who are you ?

And who is she ?

As the stars turn above us 

Is it really important? 

The “who are we?”

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You are the missing piece 

That was unknowingly broken off of my soul 

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I was the missing piece 

that made your body whole 

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You are the part of me 

That I didn’t know I needed 

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I was the part of you 

That you needed to believe in 

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As the stars turn above us 

And we wonder 

“Who are we?” 

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Just know that we are two bodies 

Who are just 

Meant to be 

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She Loved Until She Lost Herself

She loved until she lost herself

She gave until she was empty

She hung on until her fingers bled

And her hourglass was hungry

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She was an inveterate long time lover

each chapter in her life

sewn together neatly between each love

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Never knowing how to say goodbye

Never knowing when enough was enough

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The Bridge Between Our Souls

When our hands touch 

I am awakened 

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Our fingertips 

The bridge between our souls 

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Blood flowing

Vibrating with electricity 

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Tantalizing 

Brewing ,

A potion that cannot be undone 

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Because I want you more today than yesterday 

And I know I’ll still want you more when the day is done 

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When our lips touch 

A fire ignites within me 

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One that only you  know how to put out

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I am set ablaze 

Willingly 

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How could you ever have any doubt ?

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This body is yours forever 

Because it is mine 

And I put it into your hands 

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To extinguish this fire you set ablaze inside me 

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I am your woman

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you are my man 

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We Were Meant For Different Loves

What we meant to each other 

Was something much larger than us 

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It was hopes 

And dreams 

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It was goals 

And love 

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It was fear 

And disappointment 

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It was longing 

It was loss 

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I will always remember the way your body felt 

When I rested my head upon your chest 

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The way your arms wrapped around me 

The way you carried me to bed 

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I will remember how your fingertips 

Electrified mine 

looking up at you 

Getting lost in your eyes 

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I will remember feeling like a piece of me was floating away 

When I had to leave your side 

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What we meant to each other once 

Was something much more than love 

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But we were star crossed lovers 

we were cut from different cloths

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We were children from different time zones 

meant to be together, we were not 

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Our souls were meant for different paths 

And sadly

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we were meant for different loves 

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I Can’t Be Mad At You

I can’t be mad at you

You stole my heart 

You tricked me 

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I can’t be mad at you 

I walked toward you with a veil over my eyes 

You led me blindly 

You robbed me 

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And I let you 

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How can I be mad at you ?

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You thief 

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Burglar

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Pirate 

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Swindler 

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You stole my heart 

Right from my chest 

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And I liked it

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#FOWC “thief”

“If She Loves You, She Can be Any Kind Of Tornado She Wants” -Fitz

She barreled through your life

Like a stampede 

She dismantled all your walls 

You fought to keep her out 

But she saw through that facade 

She made you uncomfortable 

She made you question 

She made it hard for you to breathe 

She tore through your life

And  made you want to leave

You opened your eyes 

You metamorphasized 

You broke through

You soared 

She made you never give up 

And She made you want more 

My Heart Hurts From All the Things I Can’t Do With You Mother

Dear Mother, 

There are so many things that I still wanted to do with you.  We always talked about more dances together.  We have gone out dancing together twice in our lives.  I thought we had so many more late nights left to go.  We joked about loving dancing so much, we would go out, you in your wheelchair, and me with my cane.  I so wanted to do that with you mother.  

My mommy dearest, we had road trips planned that we could sing our hearts out to.  We had vacations in mind.  We had scrapbooks to fill.  We were suppose to find ourselves at some French cafe loving the food but hating the portion size.  We were going to smile and giggle at the cute guys.  We were going to let me practice my one sentence of French that I remembered from High School.  You were going teach me how to truly rock heels like a pro, and get mad at me when I complained about how bad my feet hurt.  

My best friend, we were going to get tattoos together.  We said it so many times.  Even made plans to get one before you left on that airplane, but we never made it.  My heart hurts, mother, because I wanted that experience with you.  

My workout partner, my TAE BO buddy, my Zumba lover.  You were suppose to make it to my favorite Zumba class, I really wanted you to see how amazing he really is.  He’s never going to have that first dance with you mama, and my heart hurts because I really wanted him to have that with you.  

Mommy, I really wanted to pick that dress with you.  I needed you there to tell me I looked beautiful in that one or how horrid that other one was.  Mother, should I wear my hair up? Or my hair down?   Do I wear a veil?   I wanted to see you there, smiling, crying, happy to finally see me walk down that aisle.  Mother, I don’t know how I will make it all the way down that hall without breaking down, I truly don’t.  I can’t see how I will have the strength in that moment in my life.  

My heart hurts from all the things I can’t do with you mother.  There are so many things I still had planned for us.  There were still so many laughs, there were so many songs to sing and beats to dance to.  There were so many chocolates to try, roads to drive, planes to fly.  There were so so many more words to write.  

We still had to pick a grandmother name for you.  Surprise you when you would have a grandchild.  You were suppose to spoil her, you were suppose to comfort him.  

You were suppose to teach me how to cook ….. 

JUST KIDDING 

We were suppose to joke about how much we both suck at cooking.  

Mother, there really were so so many things I had left for us to do together.  It’s hard for me to truly believe that I will never be able to do these things with you.  It is hard to believe that you are not somewhere just writing away or dancing.  I miss you so much mother, you have no idea how much my heart hurts for you.  I love you, my mama. 

May we dance together again one day

With so so so much love, 

Your Daughter, 

Angelique Rose 

Angels Show Up in the Most Random Places

After losing my mom, I was flooded with messages from friends and family sending their love and condolences.  I found myself finding solace in talking about what happened.  In random conversation, I would start to talk about my loss, to anyone close enough to listen.  Coworkers in the break room,  friends on social media, any family that would listen.  I was reminded in these moments how much death is an awkward thing to talk about or more specifically, how awkward it is for others to listen and respond to someone else’s pain.  

I think a lot of people thought it was odd of me to talk about losing my mom so casually.  What they didn’t realize was that it helped me somehow.  It gave me peace to talk about her, even if it was about the day I lost her.  Maybe talking about losing her helped me cope and let the reality of it sink in.  I think maybe I kept replaying that day, and the information I learned to try to create some kind of theory about how and why it all happened.  Like some new clue would make things more clear.  

I don’t blame anyone for the way they dodged my conversation or the way they didn’t understand the hurt I felt from losing my mom.  I, myself, do not know how to react to someone else’s loss.  I often revert to the cliche “sorry for your loss”.  

I don’t think anyone can truly understand this loss I feel, unless they, too, have lost a parent or a child.   It’s a very lonely kind of sadness.  

Anyway…

In all my efforts to find comfort, talking to everyone and everything.  I connected with an Angel.   We met a handful of years ago.  She also lost her mother as well.  Talking to her really was a gift.  She gave me hope, comfort, understanding.  

I didn’t feel alone.

My hurt, wasn’t alone.  

What really shocked me was that, although we knew each other.  Knew of each other.  We never really had a conversation, and suddenly, here I was, talking with her about my deepest loss and she was not phased.  She wasn’t afraid to talk about loss or pain.  She wasn’t afraid to keep replying or forced to change the subject.  I wasn’t afraid to tell her how lonely this sadness was or how I was suddenly overcome with the fear of no afterlife.  

Okay,  story time :

Growing up, my mom always had an affinity for  dreamcatchers.  She had one in her car, she had some in our home.  She gave one to me as a kid.  

When my family and I went to the Philippines for my mom’s funeral, we stopped by the beach that she was at when she began to feel chest pain.  We just wanted some answers I guess, as to what really happened that day.  We were told that she stopped in front of a shop and became unconscious on their front door.  As my aunt and I asked a few questions, she looked up at the store that my mom happened to lay down at.  She was in awe, because the store was covered floor to ceiling in dreamcatchers.  She bought a handful of them for us.  It really just made me feel a little more at peace with what happened.   Like there was a touch of my mom wherever we went and that, no matter how devastated we are about what happened, GOD does things for a reason.  He calls people home when it is their time, and there isn’t really anything that we can do about that.  

I told this story to this unsuspecting Angel and one day, this necklace showed up in my mail.   She didn’t have to send me anything, she didn’t have to do anything for me, her conversation that day was far far enough, but she sent me this and it has reminded me every day that my mom is nearby and at peace.  

Thank you so much to the Angels out there that have such giant hearts.  That care when they don’t have to.  Love those that they don’t even know. 

 Just to bring peace to a broken heart.

I Love That…

I love that I think of you
In the moments that I am the most myself

In the moments that I am the most bare
In the moments that I am just me

You pop into my mind

I love that I think of you
In the moments that I am so passionate

When I sing my heart out
When I dance spontaneously

You pop into my mind

I love that I think of you
When I imagine strength

When I watch movies where a woman kicks ass
When I hear songs of a woman’s worth

I know you are near me

and, I will forever

Love that.

The Battle of Feeling Beautiful Enough For a Picture

“She’s so photogenic!”, we say when we see a woman with a beautiful instagram grid full of selfies.  “I wish I looked that good in my candid pictures” we groan,  as these women look effortlessly flawless.   Happy and glistening as they workout or sip coffee.  

At least, these are words I say to myself, when I’m trying to take my own pictures.

There are so many intricate feelings going on in this one moment of taking a picture of myself.  As little as it might seem, the layers of insecurities, anxieties, fears of judgement, self depreciation, and desire for acceptance are canyons thick.  

Let me start with me personally. 

For all of my life, I have hated posing for pictures.  Throughout my childhood, during the time of film rolls and camcorders,  I remember running away from being recorded.  The dread of being asked to take a picture alone.  To this day, I still run and hide at the sight of a camera lens in my direction.  A photoshoot would take a lot of mental preparation and pushing through very awkward smiles and unnatural poses.  Every shot, every video, would bombard my mind with: 

How would I look? 

How will I sound? 

What will people think of me? 

Do I look fat? 

Do I look silly? 

Am I embarrassing myself? 

While it seemed that everyone else looked beautiful on the spot, I felt like I had to take one hundred pictures before I liked one.  The one picture I did like, I felt insecure showing to the world without at least three different filters on it.  

A filter to erase the imperfections.

A filter to brighten my skin 

A filter that thins the face and enlarges the eyes

Showing my body…FORGET ABOUT IT

There wasn’t really a filter to filter out my insecurities of being overweight.

All of this may seem so very, how can I say? … insignificant, when compared tothe vast issues of the world, but it’s actually a really big dent in how we live our lives.  It was and IS debilitating.  It was a fear to be myself.  It was a fear for others to see me as I was.  It was a dislike of who I was on the outside and the ideas of what beautiful was from social expectations.  

It really didn’t hit me, how bad it was until dun. dun. dun. – snapchat.  

I only felt beautiful when I was a cartoon dog.  I only felt like my picture was worth being shown to the world with filters that lightened my skin and thinned my face.  Even if that meant, my face was transformed into a unicorn or given a halo of butterflies, or contacts that turned my brown eyes grey.  How can I say I feel beautiful when it isn’t even me that I present as my profile picture?  

This revelation really made me think.

NO

My profile picture will be me.  The pictures I post will be me.  I will not allow myself to live my life behind a filter, to be afraid to show the world who I really am unless I hide behind a mask.  I won’t let myself trick anyone else into feeling insecure.  Trick someone else into thinking that I am effortlessly flawless because snapchat made my skin clear, made my eyelashes long, made my cheeks thin.  

If you, in anyway feel the insecurities that I feel, the fears that I feel.  I want you to know that you are not alone.  I want you to know that you are so beautiful and that it’s society and social expectations that make us feel like we are less than and undesirable.  I want you to know that you do not need the filters and one hundred takes before you find a perfect picture because you should love yourself the way that you are. 

I wish I could tell you that I’ve had some kind of inspirational transformation, some light bulb moment, and that now I can say “F what anyone thinks, this is my face and here it is, it is beautiful.” But I haven’t.  My confidence and my self love is still a work in progress.  I’ve decided to work on the things that make me feel less beautiful, instead of hiding behind a filter.  I’ve been working on getting healthier and building a skin routine.  I have my good weeks and my bad weeks, but I think being aware and putting effort is a good start.  

I still battle every picture to feel beautiful.  I still feel insecure without make up.   I still like a filter or two.  But, at least it is still me.

Not a dog 

Not a unicorn

Not some mystical mermaid

One day I will beat this battle to feel BEAUTIFUL enough for a picture.  

I will be Bare faced  and beautiful 

I will be flaws and all beautiful 

I will amazon warrior this battle to feel beautiful 

And I will be proud of it.

When You Saw The World As Beautiful

When you saw the world as beautiful

then watched it tear right down the seams

Nothing is ever as beautiful

As you hoped for it to be

She Said Your Name Yesterday

She said your name yesterday

I had forgotten about the good days

Four years had already passed

I didn’t think of us much

Memories were filtered by my teeth
As I vented back then
about the days my heart broke

The disgusting taste that was left on my tongue
As I flossed the plaque away

The tears
Salty
hypertension
Carotid artery disease
As the poison clogged
the path in which my blood
Could run

Restricted blood flow

I once couldn’t breathe

then I found happiness
Living in the life
That was void of
You

but
she said you name yesterday

She reminded me of the way
We spent every lazy day

She reminded me of the way
We cuddled on the couch
movie after movie

Of the way you caressed my cheek in the middle of a party
To make sure I knew I was loved

I remembered how you stayed in bed with me until I fell asleep
Even when you had company

You were never afraid to hold my hand

You were proud to call me yours

You were dangerous
and it was good for me

Like comfort food
You were a fireplace
And a warm blanket

But you were lightning
As well as thunder

I didn’t know you would cause my storm

I said your name to her yesterday
I really had forgotten about the good days
And for a moment
She made me forget all about the bad

But you did cause my storm
Your fire burned down my home

And I built my new life
Without you

Sincerely,
An introverted dreamer that doesn’t want her madness to be silenced 💋

This Wasn’t Her First Time

This wasn’t her first time
She knew what she was doing to herself
What she didn’t know was what she was doing to the ones around her

She looked back at a text message
“I can’t do this anymore”
Unrecognizable
She asks
“Did I write this? When?!”

He tells her
“Right before”

He tried to persuade her to eat a little more

“I’m depressed”

She says

He puts her favorite show
She reaches out her hand to feel his skin
He tries so hard to stay reassuring

The way he looks at her while she’s sleeping
The sadness​ in his eyes
Longing for the woman he fell in love with
The wish that he could take her pain away

He loves her so much
She knows she loves him too

Just sometimes

Her depression doesn’t let it matter

It’s OFFICIAL!

I received this message this morning as I woke up and the feeling of constant dread that I have had since taking my NCLEX suddenly faded away. This journey to my RN has been an extremely long one. Not just the prerequisite classes that I was taking in my early twenties, but from the beginning of my RN program to now has been a long road filled with ups and downs.

I moved to Southern California away from anyone that I knew to start my nursing program. It was me and my dog, five hours away from where we had previously been calling home. Small studio, no kitchen. My makeshift kitchen was in a small room that I also installed a closet rod in.  I hadn’t thought about it at the time, but it ended up being a VERY bad idea, considering my clothes now smelled of anything I was cooking. I slept on an air mattress for months and struggled to wash dishes in a bathroom sink. It was a challenge for sure, but I didn’t care. I found a job, I was starting nursing school, I was independent, and I was PROUD of myself.

I thought to myself.

“I AM DOING IT”

At that time in my life, I just left a relationship of seven years. I dropped my mom at the airport to move to the Philippines a couple months prior. I physically had never been more alone. I was heartbroken, I was anxious at a new job, and I was excited/stressed about managing my first semester. BUT

I WAS DOING IT

I was finding a way to wake up every morning and be positive. I was finding a way every day to earn my own trust. To learn what it meant to be truly in charge of my own life and focus on me and my well being. I was happy. I was learning how to live my life.

Fast forward a bit, I went through an eviction, repo, heartbreak, frustration, complications with paperwork and school. I went through sleep deprivation, getting laid off from my first hospital job after almost 2 years.

This year alone, I lost my mom super unexpectedly, had 2 car accidents, had a car stolen .

BUT

This journey also brought me love and friendships, adventures, the triumphs after the struggles.
It brought me a new level of self awareness.

This year alone, I graduated from nursing school, went to my little brothers wedding,

PASSED MY NCLEX

My dreams are slowly but surely becoming reality. My list of goals are being checked off.

DONE … AND DONE!

I want to tell anyone out there that has a dream. No matter the circumstances, no matter the hardships, or the roadblocks… you can do it. You can accomplish it. It may take you longer than expected, things may even feel as though they are getting thrown in your path just to make you fail, but, If you want it bad enough, if you love yourself enough to trust in your dream and put you plan into action, you can do it.

There were times that I felt like, everything was just too much. But then I would think..

“If I don’t continue this path to my giant goal, where I am right now, is the best I am ever going to get. This day that I am having RIGHT NOW is going to be the same day I will have for the rest of my life. NO… I don’t want to live this struggle forever.. and that is exactly what I will have to do if I give up”

If your goal is to not work your 9-5 and be your own boss
If your goal is to find a job you love with the talents that GOD has blessed you with
If your goal is to spend more time at home with your family, not missing your daughter’s school play because you had to work overtime

All you have to do is to put that plan in action and ask yourself….

“This feeling of being unhappy, being not content with life, is this the way I am willing to feel for the rest of my life?”

If the answer is NO

Then move your butt and put your plan in action.

A lot of people that I have met, when I tell them that I moved from Northern California alone to LA for school, have said…

“You are so brave”
“You are so strong”
“You have guts”

It means the world to me. But to be honest, being afraid was never a thought that crossed my mind. Needing to feel fear was never in the vicinity of my thought process for this particular decision because it is what I needed to do.

Goal : be a nurse

Step 1. GET INTO NURSING SCHOOL

I did

Step 2. Go to nursing school

Ok

There was no “ifs ands or buts” about any of it. So when I say go for it. Because you can do it…. I truly mean… GO FOR IT

Passing this test has meant a lot to me. It means that all the hard work I put in, all the struggles were worth it. But it is also all very bittersweet. My mom was suppose to be here to see me pass this test. I want anything in the world to be able to call her and tell her that I passed. I want to hear her scream on the other end of the phone and laugh and tell me “congrats babygirl”. I want so much to hear her say that she’s coming home and that we will celebrate.

I know that she’s around me, that she’s proud of me, that she is just as excited as I am, I just wish I could hug her and hold her hand.

I want to thank my mom, for always and forever being my cheerleader. Through all of my life decisions she had her opinion. But she also had my back. She was always the first to say she loved me and the first to tell me she was proud of me. She never skipped a beat to uplift me as a child, tell me how smart I was and that I could be anything I put my mind to. She taught me to dream and to love and all I can say is Thank you for everything. I love you.

I want to thank the rest of my family as well, my dad, my aunts and uncles, my siblings, my boyfriend. For being there for me when times were tough. For having the faith in me, that I could accomplish big things, for loving me unconditionally, even when I made decisions that made them shake their heads. I am a better person because I have all of you in my life. I can’t wait to celebrate this WIN with you. I love you all.

My Heart In Pieces

How do I feel whole

When my heart is scattered?

 

Scattered along the paths I’ve walked

 

Like breadcrumbs to remind me of my journey

 

I can look behind me

And see the pieces of my heart

 

The pieces that are too far to see

I can feel

 

Like a sonar when I close my eyes

Like blips on a radar

 

Yes

 

He is my heart

He is my home

He is my future

He sits within the walls of my chest

And he beats with synchronicity

 

But

 

Pieces of my heart are oversees

Pieces of me that I know I need

I live each day without them near

But these women are forever a part of me

 

And the 5 pieces of me

Cut from some of the same cloth

 

Like a quilt

Different parts

but beautiful

if only

We were given the chance

To stitch a stitch

And bridge the gap

but

We are still pieces

 

Scraps

 

And she

 

Love at first sight

I could say

 

From kinder

To always love from afar

 

Months without speaking

But words full

of every day that wasn’t spoken

 

And you,

Forever

Will be my other half

Getting me through my teenage years

 

5 pieces of your own

Cut from your cloth

 

How much I yearn to be a part of your journey

How much I wish I was a part

Of their world

 

But as it is,

Distance is against us

Time is before us

 

But there will always be

a you and me

 

And her

We do not speak now

But she was

my knowledge and my strength

 

As much as I was self aware before

She made me look inward and reflect

she has made me grow

 

I am a better woman now because of her

I am a better partner

I am a better friend

And I am a better person to myself

 

She might not know that she holds a piece of my heart

Even when I talked to her every day

 

But my life would not have been the same without her

I’ve grown in every way

 

Last but not least and definitely not all

 

She is almost my mirror

The same heart

The same loyalty

 

A ride or die

My one and only

 

Bestie on the dance floor

Partner in crime

 

If you were beside me

I know that you would

 

Rock every adventure, unquestioningly

 

As I live my life

On the road to my future

All these pieces of my heart

 

I feel them

Blips on my radar

 

A magnet in my gut

 

Pulling

 

Because I want you all near me

 

I wonder where life will take us all

I guess

Wait and see

 

❤ ❤ I hope you all know who you are ❤ ❤

I may be nothing but a stranger

To the girl I met today,

I want you to know,

that I feel your torment.

 

In the way that you evade my eyes

in the way that your eyes gloss over

 

with the pink tinge of a girl that has cried

from the full of the moon

till it blessed us with its smile.

 

I know you are hurt.

I want you to know that you are not alone.

 

the crackle in your voice

caused by sobbing,

a throat, exhausted by the howling

 

I know that you are void of all happiness.

I have been there too.

 

your anger is too full right now,

your sadness is more

cavernous than the oceans combined,

 

but I am here

 

my small talk;

my attempts to distract you

from the agony you are feeling,

 

my venture to convince you that

I am right there beside you

 

I am trying to let you know

I have felt it,

 

I have lived it more than once,

and I am alive and well today.

 

everything will be okay.

I know

 

I know that you will not believe me

just like I didn’t believe myself.

 

I know that there are no words,

no utterances, that will make you believe otherwise.

 

at least not until the anger subsides

 

But to the girl that I met today,

I just want to tell you how beautiful you really are

 

that his actions do not define you.

 

his deceit is not a repercussion of your worth.

 

the moment you heard the truth

that pit in your stomach, hollow hearted, emptiness

you feel

 

will not be what you will feel forever

I know

 

I want to embrace you

but, I am but a stranger

 

there is a boundary and a wall

and I know you will cringe to hear my love story

but

to the girl I met today..

 

you will be okay.

 

sincerely,

a wonderfully mended heart

Rediscovery

This was also written on September 27 2016

 The end of my last relationship heightened all kinds of insecurities.  “why wasn’t I good enough? why didn’t he want me?” I felt, unattractive, I felt, unwanted.  When I found myself on a dance floor and it brought back the feelings of happiness, and loving myself, and meeting my partner during that phase of rediscovery, really just was the cherry on top.

 

Who knew

that 2 years ago

When she stumbled into your classroom

She was Fresh from a broken heart

The bottoms of her feet

Excoriated

Raw from the journey

She reached The end of a chapter

But the beginning of a dream

 

as she danced to your movements

And mirrored your steps

As she closed her eyes and felt

Every beat of each song

It was As if it were the compression’s

Of a stranger

Fighting to bring her back to life

 

Each step she took

Was a painful reminder

That she took this journey on her own

That the beginning of her dream

Was the end of a lifetime

And the death of the person she once was

 

With each song

Class after class

Slowly..

Slowly but, so very surely

She Danced the bottoms of her feet rough

calloused from the voyage

But now thick

Made to endure

 

with every instrument that she heard

She was ignited

Her reflection

More beautiful in her eyes

Because although she may not have been enough then

In your songs

On your floor

She was glowing for the first time

In her life

 

when you looked in her eyes

You looked at her with such yearning

Such adoration

Who knew that she had never seen that look given to her before

Although she thought she had loved and was loved

The moment you looked at her, with exactly that gaze

She felt, the most beautiful, the most loved and wanted

 

You didn’t know

that she had a lifetime of insecurities

Built up within her

You didn’t know

The effect your singular glance would have upon her

You had no idea that the way you placed your hand

On the sides of her waist

Was so much bigger in her heart than the action that took place

 

Whether you meant it then

Or not

That moment will live in her forever

that in that decaying studio

With no kitchen

And mice running within the walls

You would give her the moment that would ultimately change her life forever

That you would pull her close and look in her eyes and she would know then

That

She is beautiful to someone

Sexy to someone

Good enough for someone

To give her the confidence to believe in it

 

for herself