I Will Dance With You Forever, My Love

When the music starts 

I know where my feet will take me 

.

.

When the music ends

I know whose hands will lead me forward 

.

.

You are my strength 

When my body feels weak 

.

.

I am your warmth 

When your body feels cold 

.

.

I will dance with you forever 

My love 

.

.

My fingers will always be there to interlace

With yours 

.

.

Like puzzle pieces created to fit 

.

.

Your hands on my waist 

Your hands on my hips 

.

.

“When you dip, I dip, we dip” 

.

.

I will dance with you forever 

My Love 

.

.

As long as the music plays 

My feet will dance their way towards you 

.

.

But when the music ends 

And all is eerily calm 

.

.

When the room is empty 

And all is gone 

.

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We will create the music to drive us 

We will find the melody to take us home

.

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Neversilencethemadness.com 

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#bloggerstyle #blogger #poetry #poemsofinstagram #poetrylovers #poet 

POT PIES REMIND ME OF MY MOTHER

As I sit here on my lunch break at work tonight

I dig into the first pot pie I’ve had in years 

Daydream of my childhood 

When my mom would make pot pies for dinner 

When we had blueberry pie and vanilla ice cream for a treat 

.

.

I didn’t know then

What a simple pot pie would mean to me now 

.

.

I didn’t know before

The warmth of this pot pie 

Would also bring warmth to my heart 

.

.

Remembrance of the family I lost

The time we had together 

The aroma of laughter 

And a stomach full of stability and peace 

.

.

Pot pies, apparently remind me of my mother 

Of the days when she was my mommy 

Of the long evenings playing in the backyard 

Of the living room workouts 

Of the halloween costumes that she would make from scratch

Of the movie dates 

Of karate class

When she would cheer me on from the side lines hoping I would eventually throw a punch

Of the leotards for gymnastics 

Of the cartwheels I couldn’t do

Of the long sushi lunch

.

.

It all reminds me of her

Of my little hand in hers 

Of our chubby fingers 

And our chubby toes 

.

.

Laughing about the little things that only her and I know

.

.

Pot pies remind me a lot of my mother 

.

.

When she would call us in for dinner 

Dance her way around 

With hugs strong enough to smother

.

.

When she would sit us all down 

Sing her way to the freezer

And then surprise us with dessert

.

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Neversilencethemadness.com 

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#bloggerstyle #blogger #poetry #poemsofinstagram #poetrylovers

Most Days

Most days 

I do the things I Love 

I seek out the things that make me happy 

I love the people around me that I hold dear 

.

.

Most days 

I dance because I love the music 

I sing because I love the words 

I cry because I feel the passion 

.

.

Most days 

I live my life 

Go from point A to point B 

Grateful for the day I have been given 

Hopeful for tomorrow 

Learning from the memory of my past 

.

.

Most days 

I inhale the beauty that this world places before me 

I exhale the impossibles 

And I get myself to tomorrow 

.

.

But ….. 

.

.

Some days 

I miss the comfort of being able to call you any time of the day 

To hear your voice 

To vent insecurities 

To remind ourselves that we are queens 

.

.

Some days 

I really miss the road trips 

The Cuddles 

And hearing your laughter 

I miss the way your hand held mine 

The way your laughter turned your face red 

And I could barely catch a glimpse of your eyes 

.

.

Some days 

I fear that I will never be able to laugh again 

That I will forever only be able to giggle 

That I will only have enough happiness in me to smile 

.

.

Some days 

I fear that I will never be whole 

Because you are no longer with me 

There will always be a veil of sadness 

There will always be a piece missing 

.

.

Most days, mother

I tell myself that everything happens for a reason 

I find comfort in knowing that you are happy and at peace 

Free of the stress and struggle that the physical world hands us 

.

.

But some days, mother 

My heart breaks from your absence 

My heart aches for the future we will not have together 

For the grandchildren you will not meet 

For the dances we will not dance

Songs we will not sing 

The unfinished dreams that you held in your pocket 

That never got to see the light of day 

.

.

Some days, mother 

I miss you so terribly

I cannot believe that you are not here with me 

But I get myself together

Wipe the tears 

And I make it to tomorrow 

Love Made Them Foolish, Nonsensical Lunatics 

He was foolish 

.

.

He reeked of inexperience 

.

.

Lacked the emotional wherewithal to create something worth while 

.

.

But the look in his eyes said he wanted to try 

.

.

The passion in his lips said inexperience in one doesn’t mean inexperience in all 

.

.

He was an ASININE excuse for a partner 

.

.

But as a lover, he was a 5 star vacation of a lifetime 

.

.

He begged to prove he was more than face value 

.

.

Climbed mountains to show he was more than skin deep 

.

.

Ripped open his heart to prove to her that there was even a heart to see 

.

.

She was foolish

.

.

She reeked of a woman with too much experience but a heart too big that none of it mattered

.

.

She lacked the emotional wherewithal to stand by her word 

.

.

But the look in her eyes said she wanted to try 

.

.

The ache in her heart meant she still had enough of one in there for one more heartbreak 

.

.

But she was willing to put that piece of her heart in his hands and trust him not to crush it

.

.

She was an ASININE excuse for a partner 

.

.

Because she was all-in with one foot out of the door at every moment

.

.

But as a lover, she was a 5 star vacation of a lifetime 

.

.

She begged to prove that she was more than just broken pieces 

.

.

She climbed mountains to show that the glue holding her together was strong enough to carry them both 

.

.

Ripped open her heart to prove to him that there was enough in there to keep on loving

.

.

They were an ASININE excuse for partners 

.

.

Love made them foolish, nonsensical lunatics 

.

.

But as lovers they were a 5 star vacation of a lifetime 

.

.

And at the end of that lifetime, who wouldn’t choose to live it as such?

.

.

In what love story, are there lovers that aren’t foolish, that haven’t lost their senses? 

.

.

In what scenario does love not make you both a little crazy for each other? 

.

.

I truly do not know, but if you ask them, they will tell you…. 

.

.

It is going to be hard, but most things Worth having usually are

.

.

True love, knocks us a little off our senses 

.

.

But at the end of every day you just have to say

.

.

I choose you 

Response to NEVER SILENCE THE MADNESS POETRY PROMPT “ASININE”

The Universe is an IMPLACABLE Thing

With every twist and turn

The world tried to tear them apart 

.

.

Whispers that linger 

Cuts that sting deep

.

.

The unforgiving movement 

That made one nauseated while they sleep

.

.

Photographs 

Pyrography etched into ones mind 

.

.

Memories

The reality that there is never really time 

.

.

But the universe is an implacable thing 

With it’s mind made up 

There is no real twisting and turning 

.

.

Every bump in the road 

Every detour 

Every kink in the path 

.

.

What is meant to be 

Will be 

And the universe will handle that 

.

.

She is adamant, relentless 

She is unforgiving when she knows what she wants 

.

.

The universe doesn’t care which way the world tries to turn 

She will spin it backwards and forwards 

.

.

She will linger

She will haunt

.

.

She drowns out the whispers 

Blows on the cuts 

.

.

Navigates through the moments 

When we all get a little lost 

.

.

She is an implacable thing 

.

.

And in the end 

She always gets what she wants.   

Response to Never Silence The Madness Poetry Prompt “implacable”

NEVER SILENCE THE MADNESS POETRY PROMPT “Asinine” 

A few months ago, I started a book club, on FB called NEVER SILENCE THE MAD READER. As I was reading this particular book, our first book of the club, I realized it had so many large words that I had to look up. This was a very discouraging realization because in high school, I had so much pride in myself for being an avid reader. As an adult, I didn’t get the chance to read as much, but I didn’t think my vocabulary was as limited as it was. By the end of the first book, I chalked it up to the book itself. I mean, it was called “Special Topics in Calamity physics”, what else was I going to expect? 

LOL a bunch of hard words….. 

turns out…. It wasn’t the book, because come Decembers book, and I’m still writing down a long list of words I do not know hahaha 

Anyway, I decided to write poems for each word to help me ingrain the definition into my mind. I thought it would help expand my apparently minuscule pool of vernacular. Once I started doing this, I thought, hey! why not start a poetry group and post poetry prompts, I’m already “prompting” myself, I’ll just share it, and others can join if they want to. 

I started a poetry group on FB called NEVER SILENCE THE MAD POET and I began posting my word of the week or poetry prompts. I recently decided, I’ll try sharing it on here as well and 🙏 would love it if anyone would like to participate and tag their ping backs to #NSTMPP

This weeks poetry prompt will be the word “Asinine” 

according to Merriam-webster:

1: extremely or utterly foolish or silly an asinine excuse

2: of, relating to, or resembling an ass

pingback to #NSTMPP 

I’d love to read your work. 

NEVER SILENCE THE MADNESS POETRY PROMPT “IMPLACABLE” 

A few months ago, I started a book club, on FB called NEVER SILENCE THE MAD READER. As I was reading this particular book, our first book of the club, I realized it had so many large words that I had to look up. This was a very discouraging realization because in high school, I had so much pride in myself for being an avid reader. As an adult, I didn’t get the chance to read as much, but I didn’t think my vocabulary was as limited as it was. By the end of the first book, I chalked it up to the book itself. I mean, it was called “Special Topics in Calamity physics”, what else was I going to expect? 

LOL a bunch of hard words….. 

turns out…. It wasn’t the book, because come Decembers book, and I’m still writing down a long list of words I do not know hahaha 

Anyway, I decided to write poems for each word to help me engrain the definition into my mind. I thought it would help expand my apparently minuscule pool of vernacular. Once I started doing this, I thought, hey! why not start a poetry group and post poetry prompts, I’m already “prompting” myself, I’ll just share it, and others can join if they want to. 

I started a poetry group on FB called NEVER SILENCE THE MAD POET and I began posting my word of the week or poetry prompts. I recently decided, I’ll try sharing it on here as well and 🙏 would love it if anyone would like to participate and tag their ping backs to #NSTMPP

This weeks poetry prompt will be the word “IMPLACABLE” 

according to Merriam-Webster dictionary :

not placable not capable of being appeased, significantly changed, or mitigated an implacable enemy

1. used to describe (someone who has) strong opinions or feelings that are impossible to change

pingback to #NSTMPP 

I’d love to read your work. 

She Wondered if He Ever Spoke of Her Like That

All she wanted was to feel his finger tips 

She wanted to hear songs about their future

She wanted see the score wrap around their bodies as he spoke of all the ways he loved her 

She wanted nothing more than to be aroused by the tales of his day

The plans that he’s made 

The blueprint of his life that had her etched into every corner 

She wanted to feel his lips between hers 

Electricity 

Magnetism 

Fire 

She hungered for him 

Not only his skin 

And his kisses 

Or the way that he looked at her 

She hungered for his mind and his strength 

His vulnerability 

His passion 

His erudite rant on all the things she once knew nothing of 

Or even cared to know 

Watching his wheels turn as he spoke of all the things he loved 

The details of every manufacturer, the rational for every dip and turn 

The intricacies of every click and clack 

The admiration of the beauty and the perfection 

She wondered, 

if he ever spoke of her like that 

Response to #NSTMPP “ERUDITE”

The Petals of the Rose I Am Born

I am defeated 

Wilted 

The petals of the rose I am born 

Pathetic 

In the way she lacks to stand 

The spine 

Her fibers once full of hydration 

Cannot bear to hold her up 

She is thirsty 

Days she went without satisfying the quench 

Days she needed to replenish 

But she lay there wilted 

Not saying a word 

Breaking 

Falling apart 

Pliable 

For the inability to fight back 

I call defeat 

I throw in the towel 

I raise my white flag 

I have nothing left in me 

To fight for what my heart longed for 

You win, my love 

Forgive me

I do not have the strength anymore 

You Saw a Pretty Thing and You Wanted to Break it

You Saw a Pretty Thing and You Wanted to Break it

.

.

.

Porcelain made 

Fragile written on it 

.

.

.

You peered Into the windows 

And you felt the warmth 

Radiating from the hearth 

.

.

.

You sought comfort 

In the man you thought you deserved 

.

.

.

As you felt around the doors and windows

.

.

.

Checked the hinges 

Checked the boards 

.

.

.

You saw a hidden crack beneath the floor 

.

.

.

You seeped your way in 

.

.

.

Not carefully 

.

.

Not  quietly 

.

.

You seeped in flooding  

You broke through the crack entirely 

.

.

You tried to warm your hands upon the open fire 

.

.

You burned yourself 

.

.

Fighting for the one thing that you desired

.

.

You saw a pretty thing 

And you wanted to destroy it 

.

.

You took that porcelain made home 

And you dropped it 

.

.

.

Never Silence The Madness Poetry Prompt “ERUDITE”

A few months ago, I started a book club, on FB called NEVER SILENCE THE MAD READER. As I was reading this particular book, our first book of the club, I realized it had so many large words that I had to look up. This was a very discouraging realization because in high school, I had so much pride in myself for being an avid reader. As an adult, I didn’t get the chance to read as much, but I didn’t think my vocabulary was as limited as it was. By the end of the first book, I chalked it up to the book itself. I mean, it was called “Special Topics in Calamity physics”, what else was I going to expect?

LOL a bunch of hard words…..

turns out…. It wasn’t the book, because come Decembers book, and I’m still writing down a long list of words I do not know hahaha

Anyway, I decided to write poems for each word to help me engrain the definition into my mind. I thought it would help expand my apparently minuscule pool of vernacular. Once I started doing this, I thought, hey! why not start a poetry group and post poetry prompts, I’m already “prompting” myself, I’ll just share it, and others can join if they want to.

I started a poetry group on FB called NEVER SILENCE THE MAD POET and I began posting my word of the week or poetry prompts. I recently decided, I’ll try sharing it on here as well and 🙏 would love it if anyone would like to participate and tag their ping backs to #NSTMPP

This weeks poetry prompt will be the word “ERUDITE

according to dictionary.com it is an adjective meaning “characterized by great knowledge; learned or scholarly: an erudite professor; an erudite commentary.

pingback to #NSTMPP

I’d love to read your work.

Hollow Smiles

I watched you glow as he fed you 

Abdomen engorged 

Promises; candy coated words 

.

.

He fattened you up 

Rosie cheeked 

Arms stuffed full of flower petals 

.

.

Honey vibrato 

To ingratiate himself with your pitter patter heart 

.

.

He molded himself into every dream you ever wished for 

He decapitated every monster you ever lived  with 

.

.

He woke you from your nightmare 

And he gave you something to live for 

.

.

Why then, do you start to feel like something is still missing? 

Like promises are empty 

Smiles hollow 

.

.

Why then, is there no warmth between your fingertips 

Or fire in your soul ?

.

.

In the end, 

You do not know 

.

.

In the end, 

You have to let the the dream of him go 

.

#NSTMPP

NEVERSILENCETHEMADNESS POETRY PROMPT

I Can’t Unsee It Now

I looked out into the world

And I saw it

.

.

.

We are all main characters in our own books 

.

.

.

I couldn’t unsee what I had seen 

All of us walking around with pages and chapters 

.

.

.

With bookmarks to save the important parts 

.

.

.

With spines and bindings 

Pristine 

Or stained with living 

.

.

.

I can’t unsee it now 

.

.

.

The way our lives play out 

Like the chapters in a book 

Like stories to be told 

.

.

.

With love and heartbreak 

With turmoil 

And body aches 

.

.

.

I saw the words written on everyones face

“He had a rough past, and now he’s struggling to reach his future” 

“Her heart has just been broken, but she fought on for her daughter”

“He said goodbye to his dad not knowing it would be the last time he hugged him” 

“ She just found her soulmate, but she really didn’t know it” 

.

.

.

I can’t unsee it now 

.

.

.

The way we are all main characters in our own books 

Trilogies 

From childhood 

To Throughout our lives 

To our THE END. 

.

.

.

It’s become an obsession 

.

.

.

Because I just want to read them all 

Every word 

Every chapter 

To feel the bookmarked 

To soak in every reason why 

.

.

.

I want to flip through your lurid pages

Because you are a book I want to read 

.

.

.

And I can’t unsee it now

Adieu

She told him

.

.

“I want nothing 

I am ninety-one

Please let me go” 

.

.

He looked at her solemnly 

.

.

“Don’t make me do this, 

No” 

.

.

She took his hand and said 

.

.

“I lost the greatest love of my life ten years ago

And I have loved every day that I have been alive, 

.

.

But I miss him so much, 

I’m ready to be back by his side” 

.

.

With tears falling from his face 

He held on because it’s all he knew how to do 

.

.

And  she left this earth so peacefully 

With a node and a whisper 

“Sweet dreams,  baby

.

.

-adieu” 

.

.

Emergency Room War Zone

As I walk through the threshold 

I am assaulted by the sight 

.

.

The smells pummel through me 

The energy as dark as night 

.

.

Screams heard from every corner 

Howls of despair 

the wailing of fear 

.

.

A man crying over limbs

that should still be there 

.

.

A woman succumbing to the 

Fevers that took her 

.

.

The God made Angels 

Frantically trying to do better 

.

.

The Calibanesque  picture before me 

Grotesque 

Mutilated 

Disfigured 

.

.

Is a vision that I would never have been

able to manufacture 

I Hope You Are Dancing In Your Sleep

I ran to him

.

.

“Are you okay?” 

.

.

his expression brightened up like the sun 

.

.

“I want to go dancing” 

.

.

He smiles 

.

.

And I laugh to join the fun 

.

.

Tomorrow I heard you are no longer speaking 

.

.

Your breath was taken from you 

.

.

I hope you are dancing in your sleep 

.

.

And my heart sinks knowing 

.

.

That those were probably the last words 

.

.

You will ever say to me 

I Saw The Way You Looked At Him

I saw the way you looked at him

-Enamored 

.

.

Like he was the one that broke the mould

.

.

you loved him 

With appreciation 

.

.

He was Midas 

And you wanted to live surrounded by his gold 

.

.

I saw the way he looked at you 

-Enamored 

.

.

He gazed downward upon you 

Like a fragile chick he wanted to nurture 

.

.

He fed you

kept you warm

.

.

He nestled you on his lap 

Cursed all the fears away in rapture 

.

.

But he dare not touch you 

He dare not lose you 

Although it broke his heart in every way 

.

.

He hurt himself 

For every moment he wanted you to stay 

.

.

One morning you woke

He fawned over you adoringly 

.

.

You saw that your touch brought mountains 

oceans to rooftops of glory 

.

.

You shunned your own fears 

You kept yourself warm 

.

.

You no longer needed him to keep you safe from the storm 

.

.

You made your own palace 

With walls deep 

And walls strong 

.

.

And you told him 

“I’m sorry

I do not love you anymore” 

Who Are We?

As the stars turn above us, 

Your head upon my chest.

Your skin pressed against mine

Our bodies made to rest

.

.

I lose the line between who we are 

Because 

Who are you ?

And who is she ?

As the stars turn above us 

Is it really important? 

The “who are we?”

.

.

You are the missing piece 

That was unknowingly broken off of my soul 

.

.

I was the missing piece 

that made your body whole 

.

.

You are the part of me 

That I didn’t know I needed 

.

.

I was the part of you 

That you needed to believe in 

.

.

As the stars turn above us 

And we wonder 

“Who are we?” 

.

.

Just know that we are two bodies 

Who are just 

Meant to be 

.

.

She Loved Until She Lost Herself

She loved until she lost herself

She gave until she was empty

She hung on until her fingers bled

And her hourglass was hungry

.

.

She was an inveterate long time lover

each chapter in her life

sewn together neatly between each love

.

.

Never knowing how to say goodbye

Never knowing when enough was enough

.

.

It’s Where Your Compass Leads You

You said you dreamt of it once 

.

.

a freckle 

.

.

Like a kiss upon her thigh 

.

.

It’s where all the roads are traveled 

It’s where your compass leads you 

.

.

It’s where the time goes 

When it flies by 

,

,

It winks at you 

.

.

like a LANDMARK 

To lead you home 

.

.

And once you have landed 

It’s a lovely place to rest your head upon 

.

.

#FOWC “landmark”

The Bridge Between Our Souls

When our hands touch 

I am awakened 

.

.

Our fingertips 

The bridge between our souls 

.

.

Blood flowing

Vibrating with electricity 

.

.

Tantalizing 

Brewing ,

A potion that cannot be undone 

.

.

Because I want you more today than yesterday 

And I know I’ll still want you more when the day is done 

.

.

When our lips touch 

A fire ignites within me 

.

.

One that only you  know how to put out

.

.

I am set ablaze 

Willingly 

.

.

How could you ever have any doubt ?

.

.

This body is yours forever 

Because it is mine 

And I put it into your hands 

.

.

To extinguish this fire you set ablaze inside me 

.

.

I am your woman

.

.

you are my man 

.

Where Were You ?

They asked you for help

.

.

With their silent eyes 

They called for you 

In their muted tears 

They screamed for you to see them 

.

.

Where were you, then? 

.

.

Making choices for “their best interests” 

Not caring when they told you

They felt helpless

.

.

I’m sorry children

You had no advocate 

.

.

I’m sorry your short life 

Had so much sadness In it 

.

.

Where were you?

When their silent tears 

Flooded the streets

.

.

Sitting in your toasty home 

Cuddled safely beneath the sheets

.

.

How Dare You

I have  been through a war 

Bullets flying pass my face 

Tip toeing around the grenades 

.

.

I lived through the smoke 

bounded by chains

.

.

I have been through it all

Fighting for equality 

Fighting for freedom 

Fighting for life 

.

.

I’ve lived through the protests 

I marched for theirs 

Like I would march for mine

.

.

how dare you

The years, the memories, the knowledge

.

.

You knocked me down

 Cracked them out of me 

.

.

I watched from right above you

As my body went limp 

If my brothers from war 

Could have seen what you did 

.

.

Because we lived through the bullets

We tip toed over the grenades 

But all of your hate

is what took me to my grave 

.

.

I Saw The Hate In Your Eyes

I saw the hate in your eyes 

It was clear as day 

.

.

The disregard for a life 

That you will soon take away 

.

.

No cries from the helpless

Found its way into your soul? 

.

.

No tears from the defenseless 

Made you want to make a different call? 

.

.

I saw the hate in your eyes that day 

What disregard you have 

For a life you will soon take away 

.

.

We Were Meant For Different Loves

What we meant to each other 

Was something much larger than us 

.

.

.

It was hopes 

And dreams 

.

.

.

It was goals 

And love 

.

.

.

It was fear 

And disappointment 

.

.

.

It was longing 

It was loss 

.

.

.

I will always remember the way your body felt 

When I rested my head upon your chest 

.

.

.

The way your arms wrapped around me 

The way you carried me to bed 

.

.

.

I will remember how your fingertips 

Electrified mine 

looking up at you 

Getting lost in your eyes 

.

.

.

I will remember feeling like a piece of me was floating away 

When I had to leave your side 

.

.

.

What we meant to each other once 

Was something much more than love 

.

.

.

But we were star crossed lovers 

we were cut from different cloths

.

.

.

We were children from different time zones 

meant to be together, we were not 

.

.

.

Our souls were meant for different paths 

And sadly

.

.

.

we were meant for different loves 

.

.

.

Back To A Time

sifting through a box of old things

Book after book

pamphlet after pamphlet 

treatise on anxiety and depression 

.

.

.

I am brought back to a time 

when our lives were dictated by school bells 

And seating charts 

.

.

.

Where one rumor 

Became our entire world 

And one heartbreak 

Was announced through 

The speaker hung walls 

.

.

.

ages ago

An entire world away 

.

.

.

I pack it back up 

to look back at another day 

.

.

.

Weekly prompt @ NSTMP

I Can’t Be Mad At You

I can’t be mad at you

You stole my heart 

You tricked me 

.

.

.

I can’t be mad at you 

I walked toward you with a veil over my eyes 

You led me blindly 

You robbed me 

.

.

.

And I let you 

.

.

.

How can I be mad at you ?

.

.

.

.

You thief 

.

.

.

Burglar

.

.

.

Pirate 

.

.

.

Swindler 

.

.

.

You stole my heart 

Right from my chest 

.

.

.

And I liked it

.

.

.

#FOWC “thief”

You Are No Longer Mine

I read somewhere 

That you were no longer mine 

.

.

That you finally opened up your heart 

And honestly, It was about time

.

.

I read somewhere 

That you no longer belonged to me

.

.

That our memories 

Are no longer cherished 

It’s not my heart that holds your key 

.

.

I never expected you to wait forever 

To hide away 

And pine for my love 

.

.

But I read somewhere 

That you are finally  happy and moved on

.

.

My heart paused a little 

It broke for a moment 

As I remembered what we lost 

.

.

But I always knew that our love 

Was gone 

When I walked away

I knew the cost  

That Could Be Me

I saw her scars 

Evidence of a life 

Where great just wasn’t good enough

Where She was always just one nip away from perfect 

One tuck away from perfection 

One stitch away from happiness 

I saw  her eyes of desperation 

As she picked at things I could not see 

Although I was happy to oblige 

I wondered where in her life she was during each scar 

I wondered about the painful recovery 

I wondered about the broken heart 

Or the healed one 

I wondered if she was finally close to happy 

I felt sadness for her

But only because that could be me 

One nip away from happiness 

One tuck away from perfection 

One stitch away from perfect 

My heart broke for her

But only because that could be me

Jenga

I wish I could make it stop 

I do 

It’s like

Playing jenga

Trying to figure out the puzzle

when it was already whole to begin with 

Every piece 

A clue that I must pull out and dissect 

poking holes through my own logic 

Seeing through my own thoughts 

Piling on top of each other 

Creating some form of a reality 

That is just destined to come tumbling down 

I wish I could make it stop 

I do 

The higher the tower grows

Force = mass x acceleration 

The harder the fall

The louder the noise 

Even when I see it tilting 

And I know just how this ends, the scene 

As soon as the bricks hit the ground 

It startles me 

I wish I could make it stop 

I do 

But no matter what I try 

 I lose 

My Hope Is that You Also Love Me For The Changes I Bring

I hear the “pitter-patter” 

Of the rain outside

Not long ago

The sun 

Stared with an intensity

Of a loyal wife 

Who has laid eyes on her husband 

Being a tad less than that

How labile this world is 

I curse it

But then I see a reflection of myself 

For I am the sun

Who sets smiles upon faces 

Encourages hope

And freedom 

And laughter 

too fierce at times 

For I will burn you

I will make you seek shelter

I will make you want for less 

Tomorrow I will be the rain

Who steals the hope away 

From a better day

Who brings sadness

And grey 

But also 

I will bring the chill 

That leads to cuddles 

I will bring hot chocolate

And fluffy blankets 

I will bring kisses 

And fingers to hug yours 

How labile my emotions tend to be 

Like the world changing

Outside of my window 

As I love the to and fro of the sea

 My hope is that you also love me 

For the changes I bring 

Soaked In The Salty Air

It smelled of musty air

Saturated in salt

Surrounded by unparalleled darkness

I knew blindly that there was an ocean beside me 

Filled with life  

Housing a world we barely have knowledge of 

I catch a glimpse 

Like a flashlight 

Offering a gift 

The waves crash upon each other 

Beautifully dangerous 

Unabashedly uncaring 

I’m overwhelmed with 

The realization of nature 

It’s strength

It’s determination 

It’s reluctance to be bothered by my presence 

Within the darkness

The ocean, my neighbor

An entire world at my feet

Soaked in the Salty air 

I am energized and fueled by Mother Earth

I am belittled and humbled by her 

And I am thankful 

On Most Days

On most days

She wakes up hours before I do

She jumps on my chest

Searing pain

Breathless 

On most days

I’m too tired to take her to the park

She barks at me 

Begging 

“I’m boooored” 

I can hear her thinking 

On most days 

I know she deserves more 

She looks at me

She tilts her head 

All the leverage she has on me 

She cuddles 

She wants to be loved

And I know I have to be the best me 

So that I can be the best for her

#FOWC word of the day “leverage”

My Fear

I remember what it felt like

To laugh with you

To watch your face turn red 

laughing so hard

You couldn’t breathe

I remember laughing with you 

All my muscles go weak

falling to the floor 

You just got me

Conversations with you

Were like portals into my own mind 

The sincerity of our confidence

and the admission of our insecurities 

We talked for hours 

Laughing so hard

I would cry 

And my fear 

My honest fear 

Is that I will never 

Find a way to laugh 

Like that again

That Much I Know

With so much unknown in the world today

There is an abundance of 

Fear

Sadness

Confusion

With a reality so new to us 

There is an overflowing amount of 

Resistance

Question

Panic 

The FACT of the matter is

despite what anyone says

There is definite 

Loss 

Loss of what life once was

Loss of loved ones 

Loss of stability 

From that, we have so much to

Gain

compassion

Unity

Love 

Out of everything I know right now

It’s that.

#FOWC “fact”

At The End Of a Very Dark Road

How ominous

this random solitary toaster at the end of a very dark road

causing me to hesitate 

Forebodingly 

It stares at me

Daring me 

To come into the darkness 

I cannot look away

I cannot take a step

As if a coyote were in it’s place 

How ominous 

This solitary toaster

Sitting at the end of a very dark road 

In its silence

It haunts me 

Green With Envy

They do not know I see them

I spy on them, green with envy

As I cling on to the ledge

Heavy with the burden  and no ground to land on

All my strength just so that I could see, everything unattainable to me.

Write a story or poem of 5 Lines or Less
Use the picture and/or the word spy as inspiration

Image by alexis parra from Pixabay

I Probably Shouldn’t Say This

She says it’s confidential 

She says it’s confrontational 

I probably shouldn’t say this 

She wouldn’t want me to

But who cares 

She’s filled to the brim with anger 

It is squeezing out of every seam

Orafices 

Dripping

Like an addict

She’s trembling 

What does it all mean? 

She loves with all her heart 

But she hates him with all the heart she has left 

She would give him the world 

But she doesn’t have much of it

Left 

He’s calm 

Collected 

He sleeps with no care in all the land 

She stars at him with daggers for eyes 

And wants to faceplant him onto a mountainside 

She imagines her coffin nails digging deeply into his skin 

To pull out his heart 

If he ever had one in him

She dreams of the pain she would inflict 

As she lobotomized 

Those eyes of his 

Cross-stitched 

crochete needles stabbed in each ear 

The lies he spun

he can finally hear 

I probably shouldn’t say this 

It’s confidential she says 

But the anger she spouts is vibrating 

and the love she feels is sinking

Little Did He Know

He said to me 

“You are being explosive ” 

Little did he know, 

There was a tornado inside me that I was holding back from  being released.

He said to me

“You are teetering on the edge”

Little did he know,

I tip-toed the tight-walk for miles before I got here

He doesn’t know I watched myself demolish this room

Ripped things off the walls

Flipped over every table 

Breaking every breakable thing 

As I sat on this bed engulfed with the fire within me

While sitting in the calm

I Love That…

I love that I think of you
In the moments that I am the most myself

In the moments that I am the most bare
In the moments that I am just me

You pop into my mind

I love that I think of you
In the moments that I am so passionate

When I sing my heart out
When I dance spontaneously

You pop into my mind

I love that I think of you
When I imagine strength

When I watch movies where a woman kicks ass
When I hear songs of a woman’s worth

I know you are near me

and, I will forever

Love that.

Sometimes

Sometimes

I look out into the city

And I feel so immensely small

I think about all the stories left

To be told

I think about all the unheard
Teardrops

All the shoulderless cries

I see a husband
Fighting with his wife

I envision a teenager crying in her loneliness

I see a girl
Sitting in the middle of her room
Amidst all the mess

But I also see cuddles before an open fire

I hear whispers

I hear laughter

I look out into the city and

Although my world

Is

MY ENTIRE WORLD

It just really makes me see

That it’s so very little

In the grand scheme of things

Underneath the Billowing Sea

Sitting upon the dock one day
I stared out into the ocean

Deep blue waters
Swelling with each wave

And appeared such a notion

The fear of what is down there
Underneath the billowing sea

The fear of what is buried, deep inside of me

What creatures linger ?
What monsters hide ?

As I cry my tears into the brine

What may jump out as the waves flux in ?
Flux out?

What secrets lie in that sharp-toothed mouth?

As I stare forward into the offing
See the tide rise
And rise

I think about the ways
I am like the ocean
About the deep things
That I hide inside

I think about how the current washes up
The undesirables

And the depth
renders them untouchable

they feed and they grow

yet they lay dormant

undetectable

Sitting upon the dock that day, I feel the waves rock me

to and fro

I wonder what the ocean thinks of me

knowing all I know

Where is this place I want to see ?

Odd that it seems like a place of perfection 

Empty valley 

Like a cave within the ground 

High walls made of grass 

Sun touching every surface 

Except the one place right in the middle 

One tree 

Providing much needed protection from the light

I want to lay there 

I want to lay there all day

With my dog

And a ball

When You Saw The World As Beautiful

When you saw the world as beautiful

then watched it tear right down the seams

Nothing is ever as beautiful

As you hoped for it to be

She Said Your Name Yesterday

She said your name yesterday

I had forgotten about the good days

Four years had already passed

I didn’t think of us much

Memories were filtered by my teeth
As I vented back then
about the days my heart broke

The disgusting taste that was left on my tongue
As I flossed the plaque away

The tears
Salty
hypertension
Carotid artery disease
As the poison clogged
the path in which my blood
Could run

Restricted blood flow

I once couldn’t breathe

then I found happiness
Living in the life
That was void of
You

but
she said you name yesterday

She reminded me of the way
We spent every lazy day

She reminded me of the way
We cuddled on the couch
movie after movie

Of the way you caressed my cheek in the middle of a party
To make sure I knew I was loved

I remembered how you stayed in bed with me until I fell asleep
Even when you had company

You were never afraid to hold my hand

You were proud to call me yours

You were dangerous
and it was good for me

Like comfort food
You were a fireplace
And a warm blanket

But you were lightning
As well as thunder

I didn’t know you would cause my storm

I said your name to her yesterday
I really had forgotten about the good days
And for a moment
She made me forget all about the bad

But you did cause my storm
Your fire burned down my home

And I built my new life
Without you

Sincerely,
An introverted dreamer that doesn’t want her madness to be silenced 💋

This Wasn’t Her First Time

This wasn’t her first time
She knew what she was doing to herself
What she didn’t know was what she was doing to the ones around her

She looked back at a text message
“I can’t do this anymore”
Unrecognizable
She asks
“Did I write this? When?!”

He tells her
“Right before”

He tried to persuade her to eat a little more

“I’m depressed”

She says

He puts her favorite show
She reaches out her hand to feel his skin
He tries so hard to stay reassuring

The way he looks at her while she’s sleeping
The sadness​ in his eyes
Longing for the woman he fell in love with
The wish that he could take her pain away

He loves her so much
She knows she loves him too

Just sometimes

Her depression doesn’t let it matter

My Heart In Pieces

How do I feel whole

When my heart is scattered?

 

Scattered along the paths I’ve walked

 

Like breadcrumbs to remind me of my journey

 

I can look behind me

And see the pieces of my heart

 

The pieces that are too far to see

I can feel

 

Like a sonar when I close my eyes

Like blips on a radar

 

Yes

 

He is my heart

He is my home

He is my future

He sits within the walls of my chest

And he beats with synchronicity

 

But

 

Pieces of my heart are oversees

Pieces of me that I know I need

I live each day without them near

But these women are forever a part of me

 

And the 5 pieces of me

Cut from some of the same cloth

 

Like a quilt

Different parts

but beautiful

if only

We were given the chance

To stitch a stitch

And bridge the gap

but

We are still pieces

 

Scraps

 

And she

 

Love at first sight

I could say

 

From kinder

To always love from afar

 

Months without speaking

But words full

of every day that wasn’t spoken

 

And you,

Forever

Will be my other half

Getting me through my teenage years

 

5 pieces of your own

Cut from your cloth

 

How much I yearn to be a part of your journey

How much I wish I was a part

Of their world

 

But as it is,

Distance is against us

Time is before us

 

But there will always be

a you and me

 

And her

We do not speak now

But she was

my knowledge and my strength

 

As much as I was self aware before

She made me look inward and reflect

she has made me grow

 

I am a better woman now because of her

I am a better partner

I am a better friend

And I am a better person to myself

 

She might not know that she holds a piece of my heart

Even when I talked to her every day

 

But my life would not have been the same without her

I’ve grown in every way

 

Last but not least and definitely not all

 

She is almost my mirror

The same heart

The same loyalty

 

A ride or die

My one and only

 

Bestie on the dance floor

Partner in crime

 

If you were beside me

I know that you would

 

Rock every adventure, unquestioningly

 

As I live my life

On the road to my future

All these pieces of my heart

 

I feel them

Blips on my radar

 

A magnet in my gut

 

Pulling

 

Because I want you all near me

 

I wonder where life will take us all

I guess

Wait and see

 

❤ ❤ I hope you all know who you are ❤ ❤

John Doe

He looks at me
But he does not see me
He sees through me
But not to my soul

his eyes
Dark
Black
Lost

They dart from corner to corner
Not sure of where he is
Not sure of who he is

They pass judgment on you and I am so sorry
They tell me you are homeless
They tell my you are a drunk
They tell me that you are alone

I want to tell you that you are not alone
Do not be afraid
I will fight to know who you are
I will fight for the family that may be looking for you
I will search for the kids you may have
I will look for you inside your lost mind

You may not have a home
You may be a drunk

But I will fight forever to know your story
I will look forever for your truth
You are a human being
With a soul
And a heart
Even if you do not know
who you are

Do Not Let That Monster Out

I wonder sometimes

How you smile throughout the day

As you live in your façade

Preaching for others to live their life

As you flaunt yours

But

Do not forget that I know

What lies beneath your skin

I know the creature being held back

By your dental veneer jail cell

The beautiful smile you flash

As that jaw is clenched

“do not let that monster out”

You tell yourself

But

Don’t forget

I know what lies within your heart

Your favorite paintings

Are those where your eyes are shut

Because you cannot stand to see the reflection

Of your soul

Seeping through the canvas

The fear of the realization of your dark heart

Frightens you

Because

Who are you?

If you are not caring

If you are not selfless

If your heart has not been touched by darkness

But

Don’t forget

I know what you are capable of

And if I were you

I wouldn’t want to look at my reflection

Either

All Of A Sudden I Hear Your Voice

Flipping through the stationary pictures
Smelling the dress you left behind
Reading the words you left on paper
Collecting the scraps of what is left of you

All of a sudden I hear your voice
Radiating from the pinpoint speakers of my phone

I hear your laughter

I hear you giggle

Tears streamed from my eyes

But I must say

It was such a

Treat

 

Fandago’s One Word Challenge

#FOWC

#Treat

 

He Is My Full Moon, He shines Bright For Me

“Masochist!”

you scream

It’s the only definition you could think of

For the reason she stays there,

Unmoved

“Must be some kind of pleasure she gets”

You think,

“to be teased as she does”

You watch her

Looking up at the dreams she has built

Heart growing with each pump

Practically glowing from her chest

As she awaits the arrival

Only to watch it be torn from the sky

You see her

Not a flinch

But silently

You gasp in horror

As she crouches on all fours

Bones cracking

Skin ripping

You watch

As she howls at the moon

“all you have to do is walk away”

You say

“the sun will never stop being torn away every night,
The moon will not ever stop being full at least once”

You claim

“this cycle will never change!
Please”

You say

“just walk away”

She looks at you

Tears in her eyes

Dampening the soul

She shed

Sprawled out on the floor

“but he is my full moon”

She whimpers

“he shines bright for me”

She whispers

“he makes me feel alive”

She cries

With all hope gone

You hide your face to say

“masochist…
Just walk away”

Pit In My Stomach, Where It Seems My Heart Has found a New Home

Those moments reappear

at times
the most unexpected

-Driving

-Singing

Like being hit by a semi

Heart drops

Tear drops

Pit in my stomach
Where it seems my heart
Has found a new home

She likes to find herself
On this trampoline

That feeling

Flying

And the loss of ground while falling

Up

Down

Up

Down

Each time breaking

Little tears

Mini scars

Myocarditis

Heart failure

Working so hard

Just to feel alive

Just to feel

Loved

What I Really Wish, Is To Have You

Finally unpacking my life from April

 

Going through the nik-naks

 

Smelling your favorite dress

 

With no hint of you left on it

 

Just the aroma of packing boxes

 

Hint of dust

 

Filtering among the cherished

 

And the heartbroken

 

Pictures that I saw the day we laid you to rest

 

Evidence that you loved us all so much more than we knew

 

Undeniable proof that you longed for us the same way

 

We longed for you

 

I hold each piece of your jewelry

 

As if

 

Somehow

 

If I could just gather them all

 

I could put you back together again

 

The necklace you wore the day you left us

 

The matching ring

 

The turquoise

 

The gold

 

The hearts

 

The stones

 

Holding each piece

 

Like each piece holds a piece of your soul

 

Maybe if I could just soak all of it in

 

I could have you back in my life

 

An old fashioned camera

 

Rolls of film

 

How I long for each roll

 

To fill me with memories I never had

 

Memories of your life that I never got to see lived

 

There is nothing more that I wish

 

Than to feel connected to you

 

Wishing I could wear every piece of jewelry at once

 

Wishing I could see life through your eyes

 

Read all the words that were written

 

As you bore your soul

 

All I have left are your pieces

 

Your pages

 

And what I really wish

 

Is to have you

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Forgive me

Forgive me LORD

I do not think I have truly prayed to you

Since the day that you took her home

 

It is not for lack of love

It is not for lack of want

It is not for gain of hatred

It is not for gain of loss

 

Maybe I am not ready yet

For the floods to pour in

 

Maybe I am breathless

For the gasp of surprise has taken me

Hostage

 

Maybe I am at a loss for words

Because the disbelief has me gawking

 

I want you to know LORD

I still trust in this path you have laid out for me

I trust that everything you have done

Is never without reason

 

You LORD

Have my heart in your hands

And I believe you will

Mend me

Guide me

Heal me

 

But

 

Forgive me LORD

 

I know that I have not prayed since

The day she flew home to sit by your side

 

I know you have seen me try

But they were prayers of the skin and not the heart

 

I think

I am a little lost right now LORD

I am a little broken

But I love you

And I trust you

To make me whole again

It was Beautiful when you played it out in my head

Maybe I’ll take a page out of your story mother

It was beautiful when you played it out in my head

 

Green backdrop

Sun shining

The smell of pine

Or maybe forest

The smell of bark

Aroma of nature

Because you were a wild woman

That wanted to be set free

 

Surrounded by only those you loved

Because who would travel out to the middle of nowhere

Except for the ones that loved you just as hard

 

Your dress

Flowing and crimson red

Because you were not the delicate white flower

That these occasions paint people to be

You were fire

Ignited by your love for life

Fueled by your love for laughter

You glowed bright

Because the last thing you ever wanted

Was to fade into the crowd

 

Diamonds embedded in white gold

Laid upon a bed of moss

Because satin pillows were too fragile

For the way you planned on spending your nights

 

I know you mother

You would of walked that path solo

To the man who held your heart

As we all gazed upon your beauty

 

But I, mother

I didn’t want to walk that isle lonely

I am not sure how I will face that day

I will be filled with happiness and love

But I will also be broken

How can I hand this man my heart?

He will feel the deception

He will feel it light

For it lost its fullness

When I lost you

 

How mother?

How will I have the strength

To put on that dress

The strength you had in crimson red

I will crack in eggshell white

 

How will I hear the echo of the song?

The song of a story that is about to begin

When all I will hear is a reminder

Of when the echo of your laughter

ceased to exist

 

I will imagine you there, mother

I will save you a seat

I will hold your hand

I will save you a dance, mother

Because that is all I can do

That’s all that I can

 

I will wear crimson upon my chest

To give me your strength

 

I will place the rainforest upon

My table tops to represent

Freedom

To represent

Life

 

I will surround myself with the people

I love

and the people that love me just as hard

 

I will fill my life with laughter

Because that is the only way I will be able

To keep you alive in my life

 

I will try not to taint every happy moment

with the sadness of my loss

 

I will try not to grey out every sunshine

With the rainclouds of my tears

 

But I don’t think my future chapters

Will ever be as bright, mother

I don’t think my story will ever be As beautiful

as the story you painted me

Because every chapter I write

from Now on

will be void of your presence

Will be void of you voice

Will be void of your smile

Will be void of a giant piece of me

 

 

 

 

 

 

Life will not stop for a life lost

In one phone call, my world came colliding down

“she will miss you” – he said

As a crackle in his voice slipped through the telephone waves

Thousands of miles away

That heartbreak only took a millisecond to deliver

Even at that moment

I felt emptiness

Yet disbelief

There is no way that the fire in her has been distinguished

There is no way that the light in her had gone dark

With closed eyes

And a deep inhale

I cannot explain what I feel inside

The closest person to me is no longer existent on this earth

My best friend is no longer just a phone call away

The only person that made me laugh from my gut is gone

She was the one and

only one

It’s preposterous the way one’s world completely gets turned inside out

Like the universe just reached in and

pulled my last laughter right from my mouth

It’s insane how my world just took a standstill

But nothing around me stopped moving

Life will not stop for a life lost

The world does not stop turning just because mine toppled from its axis

Other people still need me

although I have not much to give

My future calls me

Although all I want is some time to breathe

Responsibilities demand me

Despite the fact that my brain wishes all too much

Just not to think

I still cannot fathom that you are not just spending your days

On the other side of the world

Awake while I slumber

I cannot understand

That I will no longer see you online

And write you just to bother

I will miss the

“hey baby”

To my

“hey mama”

I do not know how to say “goodbye”

Mother

Because the world keeps spinning for me to move forward

But my heart keeps reminding me

That you are no longer moving forward with me

The sight that my eyes behold

A picture
Does not give justice
To what the eyes can see

The sparkles of the life below
The blackness of the sea

Each lantern
A life that I could never know

The sun set sky
Vast in darkness
Allowing the life of night
Glow

I want to capture this beauty
Show you
Somehow explain

But this lens does not compare
No picture within its frame

the peace that I feel
The sight that my eyes behold

Will sit in a space within my heart
That no one else will ever know

He makes me feel beautiful

Its funny the way he treats me like treasure

 

As if

he is blown away that I am even in his possession

 

As if

Someone might try and steal me away at any moment

 

As if

I may be made of gold

 

He jokes

As if I fight away wolves on a daily

 

He acts as if I am the most beautiful woman

On this planet

 

He treats me

Like I am something so exquisitely rare and special

 

And every time

It boggles me

 

If only I could see myself through his eyes

 

If only I could feel what he feels when he touches me

 

If only my reflection

Was a mirror through his thoughts

 

Because I do not see what he sees in me

 

I do not know what he cherishes so dearly

 

But every time he calls me beautiful

A small chip on my shoulder is filled

 

Every time he tells he loves me exactly how I am

A small scratch is buffed out of my veneer

 

He doesn’t realize how beautiful he makes me feel

 

He doesn’t know that through his eyes

He saves me every day

 

And one day

I hope my own eyes will do the same

 

 

Birthday Cake

I know it was just an

Ice cream cake

 

But it really was so much more

 

It was the evisceration of all the sadness

Spanning two failed relationships sitting within my gut

 

It was the eradication of ten years worth of broken promises

 

It was the first heartbeat that knew that it was heard

 

It was just an ice cream cake

 

It was calories

 

And chocolate

 

It was just dessert  that said “happy birthday”

 

But to me

 

It was a sign that said

 

You cared when no one else would

 

It said you listened

 

When everyone else heard none

 

It said SELFLESSNESS

 

Because I knew you would never have a bite

 

It said that even though you wanted to give me more

You thought of me

 

It wasn’t until my 30th birthday

That I thought to myself

 

I am finally with a man that sincerely

loves me

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

somewhere deep inside of me

Somewhere deep inside of me

There is a glimmer of hope

A spark of life

An anchor

Keeping me grounded

Just to you

 

Somewhere deep inside of me

Under years of confusion

Beneath the rubble of many long fought wars

Buried within the ashes of the reborn phoenix

As it bursts into flames and is reborn again and again

 

Somewhere in this body of mine

Lost among the towers of memories

The emotions that I hoard

There is a tether

 

Constructed of diamonds

Embedded in titanium

 

Followed all the way to the end

And it is you

 

But how

How can I breathe

When I am saturated full with my tears

Dehydrated from the loss of my efforts

And drowning from my lungs brimming

With the need to scream

 

How will we survive

When the lack of windows

And my boiling blood

Create an atmosphere so dense

Most times we are so blinded

We cannot see

 

How will we push forward when beneath all the garbage

Mold is growing, overwhelmingly so

We are silently poisoning ourselves

We will one day be so nauseatingly sick

The sight of each other will undoubtedly

Bring us straight to our knees

 

Please

Explain to me

 

We can either

Suffocate within the flames

Drag each other down

 

We can spend a lifetime

Trying to find our way

Untying our knots

Tripping over the piles of bad dreams

Search for all the keys to unlock all the locks

 

Scrambling to find the exit sign on different ends of this room

Stomping on top of  each other as we fight to find our  way there

 

Or

 

We can box up the nightmares

Send them off to, who cares where

Sweep up the ashes

Into urns

Place them on mantles

To remind us that we have been through it all

And yet we are still here

Fighting

Not just to survive

But to survive  together

Each urn

A decorated trophy

We have been through the worst

Yet this tether has shown no wear

 

We can pack up the memories

Store them in a place not to be forgotten

But to be forgiven

Because without them, who would we be,

Anyway?

 

We can give a good scrub

Buff the scars off of the floors

Wax the tile

So we can continue dancing

Without the friction of our history

Slowing us down

 

Because underneath all

The Bullshit

You are exactly who I want to call home

 

 

Goodbye : In One Word, a Whole Life is Erased

in a state of limbo

during a time when I experienced the most change

picking up my entire life for a new one

Molding me into a robot

working toward growth and improvement

yet stagnant in life

not wanting to let go

because letting go means

goodbye

Because in one word, a whole life is erased

As if the last 6 years of my life meant nothing

as if the fights didn’t make us better and stronger people

as if the make ups didn’t mean we were so perfect for each other

like the children we acquired together

were no longer mine to love

saying goodbye

means

that the tears I cried into beach towels and tee shirts were washed away and dried at the laundry mat

ironed out 

every wrinkle and crease in my life

straightened out

with no hint of what was once there

the bleach from the laundry mat

the aroma

so pungent

the smell of

goodbye

it burns my nostrils

it stings my eyes

yet I stand there 

watching my life turn round and round

like the clothes in the washer

encompassed in the bubbles

and when that light turns on

“ready for bleach”

I pour in that goodbye

slowly

reminiscently

watching every stain I’ve obtained

wash away

like the 6 years I have spent with you

dissipating into the bubbles

as I fold my clothes 
carefully

I think

this is what I am going to wear tomorrow

a new day

a new life

stepping out of

limbo

What is it that haunts you, boy?

What is it that haunts you, boy ?

The acid that you spit from between your teeth

The venom you conjure within your bowels

Created by the hatred that you boil within

Waiting for your top to explode

What is it that is paining you, boy?

I see between the hateful words that you spew

I see beneath the anti-Semitism

I see that under all the hate you have for her

You want her love

Maybe her approval

What happened along the way

That made her lose you?

What happened along the way

To make you think that flying was the only way out?

At 12 years old, how could you think that your only option

Was to take away choice?

I watch you throw your belongings

I watch as you break your only valuables

I listen as you joke about how little life means to you

About how your dying body is a body that you have no intention

Of saving

Nothing I say will make a difference now

I see that all I say is not even heard

But I hope one day, boy

You find all the answers that you need

I hope that one day your heart is filled with love

And you could show the world that the hurt does not

Control you

Uncompromising

via The Daily Post: Uncompromising

You

Faceless joker

Hooded creature

You

Core laugher

Ice cold hugger

You

Uncompromising dealer

Indian giver

I said I want to make you a deal

Give her more time

You can have mine

Do not walk away from me

Eyeless sockets

Do not look away from my glare

You are not free from handicap

I see you do not glide like history portrays you

The scythe you carry

Brings fear to those

whose clock chimes

It’s time to meet you

I see

It is not a weapon

It is your aid

You are not free from decline and decay

You

Faceless joker

It is not a joke to me

Deal I said

Just compromise

I beg you

Don’t take her from me

You

Hooded creature

Heartless monster

Uncompromising dealer

I said

I want to make a deal

Fact

Fact : daily word prompt

You awoken the fire inside of me – FACT

 

You lifted me higher than I had ever been – FACT

 

I had never felt more beautiful than when I was in your arms – FACT

 

And yet

 

You broke me – FACT

 

You didn’t just not catch me when I fell

You dropped me – FACT

 

You reminded me that I was fire

And then made me feel as though

That fire just wasn’t enough – FACT

 

But amidst the flames

The soot

The smoke

 

I was reborn – FACT

 

And I love the person you reminded me that I am

 

—- FACT

Goodbye

I hear the crack in her voice when she calls

The happiness to hear me speak

And the instant regret that I answered

Because she will never see me again

 

She rushes off to say “I love you”

And hangs up the phone

 

I am already in tears by the time I say hello

 

My love for you spans oceans

And I am not ready for a goodbye

 

There will never be a right scenario

There will never be a perfect moment

 

I will never be okay

To having a sunrise without you on this earth

Saying goodbye with your hand in mine

Singing goodbye across the seas

 

Goodbye is a song that will never be okay

With me

 

We hardly speak now

For as I am rising

You are deep in dreams

 

The last time we saw each other

I did not want to pry you from my grasp

Yet we both stood strong

 

“goodbye”

 

As I hugged you

As I waved

As I looked on

 

Cars drifting apart

Distance

 

As you flew farther and farther from me

My heart pulled like a magnet

I wanted you back

Knots in my throat

 

Please don’t let that be the last time

I am not ready to say goodbye

 

I hope that you know how deeply your blood runs through my veins

I hope you know, that you are the one person I love the most

 

My heart swells because of the love that you have given me throughout my lifetime

 

Every kiss you planted on my forehead

Every time you wrapped me and coddled me when I was sick

 

Trips to the library, while you listened to me read to you

 

You are the definition of what my heart is filled with

And I will not know how not to cry

When you are gone

 

Please don’t tell me that was our last

Goodbye

 

Because I need you here

Every morning

To say

 

“Hello”

Puzzled – one word prompt

I watch him

As he leaves you Puzzled

When together

I glare with a little envy

The way he caresses your face

The way he holds your hand

Appearing as though he is the luckiest man in the world

Kisses as though he needs you

Guides you as though he wants to protect you from harm

But the spin of the earth around the sun

And he transforms

Like a werewolf on a full moon

His voice

Bellowing

Sharp as knives to hurt you

Spits like daggers

Piercing words to break your heart

Speaks as though he’s okay with a life without you

It doesn’t matter if he sleeps alone

He doesn’t care who hurts you

His puzzled heart loves

No one

The chaos calms me

An introvert in all aspects

But a fire in my heart

I love to sit within the madness

Watch in utter calmness

All the while

A storm brews around me

Chaos within all four corners

Hectic vibrations

And some how

It creates a tunnel for me to focus

Like the noise forms a bubble in which I am able to

Hear my own thoughts

But filter what I need

Silence is deafening

Too much space to let my thoughts run wild

Too many paths for my imagination to run rampant

Too much quiet for my mind to absorb

My calm is within the chaos

My safety is within the lack of silence

My happiness

Is feeling the world around me

More than feeling the emotions within myself

All I Ask

All I ask

Is that when I am in my darkest hour

You remain my light

When I have no words

For what aches inside me

And tears fall without reason

Don’t turn to anger

Don’t question my love for you

My love for you does not wane

But All I ask

Is that when I am frozen in silence

Know there is a hurricane inside me

When my hands are clasped

As though I’d like to strangle my fingertips

Please help them breathe

Hold them gently

Cradle them warmly

For I do not mean them any harm

When you see that I am not breathing

Holding my breath

Staring out into nowhere

Just know

My mind is racing through a thousand different thoughts per minute

That one thought snowballs into more thoughts and bigger thoughts to giant ideas

Spinning so fast

Playing pictures in my mind

Scenarios that may never exist

All I ask

Is for you to slow me down

Bring me back to reality

Find a way into my eyes

Bring me back to a standstill

Because when I am lost in darkness

When I sit as though my smile has run away from me

I will need you to remind me

That I am strong

Coffee to my anxiety

You are the coffee to my anxiety

You

Syrupy sweet

Masked by the product that brings most life

Awakening aroma

You

Are exactly what I need

To pick me up

When I am dragging on the ground

Yet you

Bring on the palpitations

You

Give me a pit in my stomach

Maybe butterflies

Maybe fear

But I cannot wake up without you

I don’t feel like smiling without you in my system

You are the coffee to my anxiety

I crave you

Addicted to you

But you are no good for me

Seeing the lost in his eyes

As he asked her for help

I knew it wasn’t easy

Pride aside

Ego tucked in

But she couldn’t bother to

Look up

The selfish way that she rushed to finish her laundry

Earbuds in

No worry about the pain in another man’s heart

No worry about the confusion and embarrassment

As he stared at the machines

Lost

I yearned to help him

With the words just seconds away from spilling out of my heart

someone else came to the rescue

What happened to this man

Old enough to be my grandfather

Seemingly, doing laundry for the first time

Language barrier

Midnight

There was a pain behind his eyes

Was it because he had lost his wife?

Starting over?

New life?

Is he missing that other half?

Dearly departed?

Is that why he stands here tonight?

Maybe broken-hearted ?

She couldn’t even look up from her life to see the lost in his eyes

Those were my thoughts in my mind after seeing him that night

Crescent Moon

As you walk in the door

You see me

 

I am not so sure what gave it away

Face turned downward

Quiet speech

 

You ask me what is wrong with a sincerity

That breaks my heart

 

I have no idea really

It is a multitude of things

It is maybe one minute detail

It is possibly just a thought

That decided to turn my day completely upside down

 

On the drive

I have retreated to my space

Fingers intertwined

Looking onward

 

Thoughts like the cars on the speedway

Blue like watching the diamond sink

To the depths of the ocean

 

You reach for me

Yet I am limp

Not fighting against you

But not fighting for you

 

All this sadness

With not one answer as to why

 

On and on we drive

Destination unsure

But hope in your heart

 

The trees part

And the crescent moon greets me

 

I am not so sure what it is

But it feels like

a slow deep breath

It feels like

Palms huddled around a bonfire

Like a lamp radiating its warmth upon me

 

I feel peace

 

I think to myself

It is the universe reminding me

That I have a happy ending

 

It is the sky telling me that I am not alone

 

It is the man on the moon

Singing to me that everything will be alright

 

It is magic

 

It is all magical creatures being alive

Fairies fluttering within the weeping willows

Leprechauns scurrying beneath the hills

Its mermaids splashing in the ocean

Its dragons protecting their gold

 

When that crescent moon says hello to me

It tells me that there is hope in this life

It reminds me that someone loves me

And I unclasp my hands

And I reach out for his

Because I need to be his crescent moon

I need to be his magic

And He needs to know

I love him too

 

I’m sorry that I Hate Her

I’m sorry that I hate her

With every vein in my body

I hate her

Innocent bystander

To your wrong doings

You hurt me

Yet here I stand

Unwavering

By your side

when I see her

Innocent bystander

My blood boils

My fists clench

My heart drops

to the pit of my stomach

And I cannot breathe

Steam rising from my ears

But hands

Clammy as ice

She was the reason why

My heart was broken

She was the reason why

I cried sleepless nights

It was all your wrong doings

It was all your actions

And your choices

But

Here I stand

Right by your side

Sick to my stomach

Hating her

We are all Liars to some Extent

Fraud

via Daily Prompt: Fraud

We are all liars to some extent

Compulsive

Manipulative

Liars

 

I know I lie

Every day

That I tell the world that I am okay

I lie with every picture that I take

The smile

As if I’m happy

The laugh

As if I know laughter

 

The posts of how I’m studying hard

Hiding the fear I have of failing

 

You

You lie

With every breath that you tell me you love me

Because how could you

When you do not know me

 

You lie

When you tell me not to worry

Because I see the fear in your very eyes

 

They lie

They lie when they tell you that life is easy

Yet their pillows hold that secrets that they fail to share

Saturated with the tears they do not speak of

 

I apologize because although I do not wish to be

I am a fraud

I forgive you because although I know in my heart that

You mean me no harm

You are a fraud

I cry for them

because they are unaware

They are frauds

 

But if we are all liars

If we are all frauds in our own regard

 

Then aren’t we all just telling the truth?

Words Running through my Fingertips

I’ve always believed that I had words running through my fingertips

 

like water through a faucet

 

throughout my life,

I’ve filled journal after journal

 

and the moment that you stepped into my life

I became a blank page

 

one that I could not seem to fill

 

you rendered me speechless

you disarmed me

 

unable to reload my ammo

 

my words morphed into emotions that I could no longer grasp

 

Feelings that I could no longer condense into something tangible

 

Thoughts that I could no longer sift through and create something as

Little as a poem

 

mere words could not project the tightness I feel within my chest

 

There is no joining of any letters that I could find to make you understand the way in which a thought of you removes all oxygen from my lungs

 

and the action of breathing suddenly feels labored.

 

How can I put into words

that being near you consumes me

 

pumps my body full of adrenaline

and my fingers tremble

 

How can i explain

that being with you transforms my legs

into nothing more than the the twigs of a seedling

 

My body weak

My senses enhanced

 

How do I tell you

that the thought of your smile warms my heart as I physically feel it swelling

 

Overwhelmed by the love and compassion you show me

 

Overflowing with the patience and care you constantly flow in my direction

 

You love me when I lose the strength to love myself

 

You have shown me what love really is

You have shown me what it feels like to be loved

You have shown me what it looks like to stare into the eyes of someone who is in love

 

You are my soulmate

You are my other half

You are the only one I see beside me

My partner in crime

My forever dance partner

 

You are my one and only

 

 

 

 

Heart full of Tangled Emotions

how do you know you’re in love?

with a head full of jumbled up thoughts

and a heart stuffed with tangled emotions

where does the thinking stop?

where do the feelings begin?

to feel as though-

as though –

and there I go….

not even knowing how to finish that sentence

not being able to comprehend the words that pop into my mind

when I think of YOU

its like an ongoing debate within my head

about what I feel, how I should feel, why I’m feeling them

and every reason why I should just NOT

everything within me screaming

I don’t know, I don’t know, I don’t know

but what I do know is

when I’m not around you

you are all I want to be around

in your presence, we can sit in silence

different corners of the room, opposite directions

but I am happy enclosed in the same four walls as you

within a lovers embrace

I keep my distance

I don’t want my heart to go

where we allow our bodies to travel

a dance of contradictions

what should be moments of intimacy

become moments of purposeful detachment

it is, what it is, what it is

my favorite moments

are the moments after

because somewhere in these moments after

I become bare

guard down and exposed

I allow myself to feel vulnerable

to let you know I need your embrace

to feel your fingers intertwine with mine

to feel you arms around my waist

the comfort of feeling so small and protected

as your lips press against my forehead

but when that moment passes

when the sun rises

when I awake from that dream

I am confronted with the confusing feeling

what is love?

is it love, when I crave these moments outside of the bedroom?

is it love, when I sit at your passenger side and wish my hand was nestled in yours?

is it love, when you are sitting down and although there are a million chairs surrounding me, all I want is to be on your lap?

is it love, when we lock eyes and I want you to kiss me?

not just with your lips

but a kiss from your heart like the longing I see in your eyes.

so there it is,

what I feel, In a nutshell

but then, it doesn’t even begin to encompass the reality of my inner debate

because after we lock eyes

because after I see the longing in your gaze

I am paralyzed with fear

does that look reflect what I hope your heart speaks?

but even if it did….

what then.

the fear of being rejected can do many things to a person,

make them say things they do not mean

make them rationalize reasons that do not make sense,

come to conclusions that do not exist,

all to save their heart from another heartbreak

what if I tell you how I feel,

and you tell me you do not reciprocate?

or worse?

what if, what if we try and we fail?

what if the beauty of another, take your eyes away from me?

what if the memories of an old love

shadow our memories of us?

what if you love me today,

but do not love me tomorrow?

what would exist of what is left of my heart if I allow myself to take this guard down?

fold it neatly

tuck it down beneath the socks in the drawer

to allow that look I see in your eyes

pull every brick down from my walls,

-to let you hug me….

because in all honesty

you haven’t really hugged me,

arm in arm, body against body,

but there has been an invisible cellophane wrap

in between us the entire time

keeping my heart tucked neatly in my drawer

safe –

from jumping right into your hands

Howl in hysterics

I was so engulfed in loving you

immersed in the idea of us

in the idea of you

I began to lose the woman I was

the woman I AM

tossing my interests aside

willing to forgo my passions

relinquish my pleasures

just to be with you

now, where am I?

not in the literal sense

not even in any other sense

just, who am I really?

having to relearn what my interests really are

needing to reignite the fire that was inside of me

thinking back to when and what truly brought pleasure to my life

and then, picking up a pen

placing it on paper

well…

that feels familiar

flipping through pages in a book

reawakening imagination

laughing again

not just a smirk

not just a giggle

but to howl in hysterics

soaking in the emotions and thoughts of others

enabling me to

pour out the emotions and thoughts of my own

and then I think I see a sparkle

better yet, a spark

taking a deep breath

filling my lungs with oxygen

allowing me to finally breathe

O how that glimmer of light

caught fire

O how that coldness turned to

warmth

I can feel myself returning

Out of the darkness

Into my heart

I dance my way onward

rediscovering what life is like

in a world

devoid of your presence

unearthing

the ability to live a life

where not every minute

every moment

of my day

is engrossed

in thinking about what you need

with you missing from my life

you would think my days would feel

empty

I was terrified that

the hole in my heart that you filled

would be again hollow

but I am taken aback,

astonished even,

that my heart is not vacant

it is filled with the ability

to love myself again

my days are no longer

light steps

fearing

the cracking of an eggshell

my moments are no longer chained

by the restrictions

of your opinions

your stares

your disapproval

my ears are filled with music

the melody of being able to be myself

the song of a woman

who calls her shots

who makes her moves

who learns to move on

my floors are rugged

because I no longer tip toe

through my life

I stomp my way through

I dance my way onward

and although I miss you

the rediscovery

of who I am

the unearthing

of what makes me truly happy

is enough to make me smile

Woman Scorned

you may think

hell hath no fury

like a woman scorned

but I tell you

it is not the fury

you need to be afraid of

you may think

the hurricane

the damage

the destruction

is what causes

your fear

your angst

your panic

but I tell you

fear the calm after the storm

fear the silence

panic when all you hear

is your own solitary breath

because honey

at least while the hurricane demolishes

while the ride is tumultuous

you are fighting for something

you are struggling for a life

you are holding on for one second more

of the life you lived

when that disaster leaves

you may be able to breathe

for a second

you may be able to see

and then

you realize

she left with everything you

had ever known

everything you loved

and you lay alone within the rubble

sitting in the calm after the storm

Tame Me

via Daily Prompt: Tame

Tame

We knew what we were getting into

When we set ourselves on the path

Of falling in love

The stars sang it to be so

They said our skulls would be so thick

We wouldn’t hear the mumbles coming from each others lips

They said we would fight to be together

Yet our long horns would keep us distanced from the start

Our horns

They twist within each other

Entangle us

And as hard as we fought to be together

We fought just as hard to pull each other apart

They said

The fire in our hearts would draw us toward one another

Like moths to a flame

A fire we knew that enticed us

A fire we felt from each other

For each other

No one else was to blame

But as our fires grew

One had to engulf another

As we both burned so brightly

Unknowingly depleting all the oxygen

Until we could no longer breathe

Glaring

Who would dare say it first ?

“I WILL NOT BE TAMED!”

The war between what I “believe” to be true

via Daily Prompt: Believe

Believe

The war between what I believe to be true

And what my demons whisper

Take my faith on a whirlwind roller coaster

I am sorry that I hurt you

That I take your love

And your care

That I take your gentle caress

And each inch of effort that you make

I am sorry that I watch you as you grow

And sink into the warmth that is your gaze

Yet you still have to sing to me

believe me”

I cry to you

I’m so sorry

But I do…

The hilarious thing is

Deep down in my soul

Underneath all the cracks

Of broken

I believe you

But here I am asking you

Please tell me again

Remind me again that you love me

Remind me again that the love in your eyes

Land only on me

Sing to me again the song

That no other woman can replace me

Sing to me until your vocal cords snap

When you cannot sing anymore

Please baby write to me

Write to me love letters

Write to me the reasons you love every part of me

Write to me in beautiful script

Until your fingers bleed

Switch to your other hand

And baby write legibly

If I cannot read you

Honey, I cannot believe you

I see the agony I put you through

You do not deserve this certain uncertainty

You do not deserve my questions

My demands

you do not deserve  for me to beg of you

After every single sunrise

And before every single sunset

to

“Please

Make me believe”

Continue reading “The war between what I “believe” to be true”

Lost Hills

Exit to the lost hills it said

 

Eerie it sounds

Terrifying to most

But somehow

My first thought was

I’d like to go there

How scary could the lost hills be

When I’m already lost Inside of me

When I’ve been running blind for years

There’s comfort in those lost hills

Where one is meant to be lost

Where one is meant to scream

Where one is meant to be alone

That’s where I want to be

In the lost space of infinite

The Infinite space of lost

Where no one can hurt me

But me

When you think you see me

When she comes

It may be indistinguishable to you

You glance at me

And I smile back in return

Not one dew drop on my skin

You imagine to yourself what kind of life I may have

You imagine the cupcakes I must eat for dinner

You imagine the sugar and spice I must sprinkle on every meal

You imagine the organized perfectly placed items on my desk

The friends I must surround myself with

The laughs I share

The memories I must have accumulated from the amazing life I lead

 

But you don’t know

 

You don’t know I’m tormented by something I want to call a she

Because what else could she be

She’s jealous

And controlling

She’s slick

And manipulative

 

She slithers gracefully

But a bite so poisonous

It creeps so slowly

Like Guillain-Barre

starting from my toes

Nerve by nerve

Muscle weakness

Lung paralysis

I cannot breathe

No strength to hold me upward

Gravity too strong it pulls me down

Fetal position

Finding the first corner

Feeling like I’m drowning

Right from within

Overflowing

Out of my tear ducts

 

That is what she feels like

 

She feels like a restlessness within my body

With no strength to get up

But no strength to stay still

 

She feels like

Exhaling so deep

To rid the body of all its poisonous acidity

Like needing to empty out the lungs

Of all the negativity it wants to say

 

She’s like a werewolf

On a full moon

Howling to the pain

Cries that cannot be restricted

 

She’s like

A shot of epinephrine

Telling my body it needs to run

Or it needs to fight

Tachycardia

Bounding pulses

 

I swear in the silence of the night

When all should be calm

I could feel it

Irregular

As if each jugular had its own heart

 

She’s a constant worry

Distrust of the world

To feel like your most prized possession

Is not safe

 

She hibernates at times

But she never leaves

 

That is what you do not see

When you look at me

 

That is what you do not know

When you think you see me

But you don’t

 

 

 

And her name is …..

You run rampant
Like a storytelling tinker bell
Fluttering around my ear
Beautiful maleficent
The tulle off your tutu
Making me sneeze
As it grazes my nose

But I can’t see when I sneeze
Eyes closed shut
Head down

I could crash a car
If I sneeze when driving

I could trip on the sidewalk
With my eyes wide shut

I could impale my heart with the knife I gave him
As I run into his arms for
Warmth

Oh. You.
Aerobic fabricator
Whispers of all that is worse
Pirouettes
Shoulder to shoulder
Fairy dust sprinkled
Generously within my ears

I had you caged once
Journey to get there
As you slipped from between my grasp

Like a hummingbird
You dodged my efforts
Like the sweet nectar that you drink
You fluidly evaded my need to rid of you.

But once I had you caged ..
I held you there
you manipulative serpent
Like a siren you call
To crash my ship among the lies u spread
To drown in my own dreams
To sink in my own depression

Mounted with armor
I made sure your calls would not reach me
Your hums would not penetrate my ears

But then he unknowingly set you free
Too tempted by the sirens calls
Maybe too blinded by your camouflage

Both of us
Running around breathless
Trying to tie you down
But soon he’s too tired to breathe

He says to me
She’s my problem
He says to me
It is not his battle to face
He says to me
His love alone can give me the strength to beat her
But energy for this war
He has none

How will I restrain her this time
It took much to much before
Cuz her wings are hypnotizing
Her gaze so piercing
Blinding my ears
I turn away but hunger for more

What if, what she speaks is truth
What if, I assume lies
Reality is, she possesses
A third eye
What if, she’s protecting me from heartbreak
What if, he ran away because she is right

No
Her sirens song
Confusing me
From what my heart knows
From what my mind thinks
Tempting
she is A temptress
I must lasso her in
As love is my witness

She will not defeat me

Broken pieces

I am more than just my pieces

Every little broken piece,

Every jagged edge

A slice of a finger

At the touch of my skin

I am more than just my pieces

I can’t yearn for you to glue me together

I can not look at you as though your job is to

Make me feel whole

Because who am I to expect so much of you

To hold me as I dry

To support me when I feel weak

How can I ask you to admire me

Broken

With the cracks so visible

Glue dried dripping from the sides

How can you look at me and say I am beautiful

As you pick up my pieces

I bleed you dry

Hurt you

Drain you

How can I ask you to put me together

When I see you suffer

Each move you make

I will always be broken

I will never be whole

I will only always and forever

Be pieces disguising themselves as something

Put together

How can I ask you to fill me

As I begin to implode

As I sink deeper and deeper

Into the oceans below

And as I sink down and I tell you not to save me

You see my eyes screaming

Give me air

Just please

Baby please

Help me breathe

I may be nothing but a stranger

To the girl I met today,

I want you to know,

that I feel your torment.

 

In the way that you evade my eyes

in the way that your eyes gloss over

 

with the pink tinge of a girl that has cried

from the full of the moon

till it blessed us with its smile.

 

I know you are hurt.

I want you to know that you are not alone.

 

the crackle in your voice

caused by sobbing,

a throat, exhausted by the howling

 

I know that you are void of all happiness.

I have been there too.

 

your anger is too full right now,

your sadness is more

cavernous than the oceans combined,

 

but I am here

 

my small talk;

my attempts to distract you

from the agony you are feeling,

 

my venture to convince you that

I am right there beside you

 

I am trying to let you know

I have felt it,

 

I have lived it more than once,

and I am alive and well today.

 

everything will be okay.

I know

 

I know that you will not believe me

just like I didn’t believe myself.

 

I know that there are no words,

no utterances, that will make you believe otherwise.

 

at least not until the anger subsides

 

But to the girl that I met today,

I just want to tell you how beautiful you really are

 

that his actions do not define you.

 

his deceit is not a repercussion of your worth.

 

the moment you heard the truth

that pit in your stomach, hollow hearted, emptiness

you feel

 

will not be what you will feel forever

I know

 

I want to embrace you

but, I am but a stranger

 

there is a boundary and a wall

and I know you will cringe to hear my love story

but

to the girl I met today..

 

you will be okay.

 

sincerely,

a wonderfully mended heart

Dimples, deep as the oceans

I have heard her say day after day how much she loved him

I watched her carefully strut her way down the stairs

Gentle hands gliding down polished banisters

I gazed as I saw her purposely choosing every little morsel of lunch

That would go with him that day to work

Every ingredient chosen with love

Every flavor representative of the massive amounts of

Care she had for her little boy

A boy that wasn’t so little anymore

And her

Always entering a room with a gleaming smile

Ear to ear

Dimples like the oceans

Filled with darkness

Holding secrets

But we would never know

That little boy

Memories

Swinging on the swing set

Memories

Running along the beach

Memories

Trips to Hawaii

Smiles

cheek to cheek

Sparkles in each others eyes

She never would of known

That she would wake up the next morning

To a beautiful sunrise

That was devoid of her baby

A world in which he was no longer there

That he would have been so lost

And somehow, she never knew

She didn’t see the pain he held

She didn’t see the quiver in his lips

As he forced his smile

The twitch in his eye lid as he held in the tears

How could she ever have predicted that he was so hurt

That he would feel that the only answer was that shotgun

That he would feel an emptiness too vast

That to not exist sounded less lonely

I see her now

She holds herself together

Smiles at the sunset

Memories

In Rome

Memories

Along the beach

Memories

Of the little boy

Memories of the happy times

Or at least

Of the times

She thought he was happy

Rediscovery

This was also written on September 27 2016

 The end of my last relationship heightened all kinds of insecurities.  “why wasn’t I good enough? why didn’t he want me?” I felt, unattractive, I felt, unwanted.  When I found myself on a dance floor and it brought back the feelings of happiness, and loving myself, and meeting my partner during that phase of rediscovery, really just was the cherry on top.

 

Who knew

that 2 years ago

When she stumbled into your classroom

She was Fresh from a broken heart

The bottoms of her feet

Excoriated

Raw from the journey

She reached The end of a chapter

But the beginning of a dream

 

as she danced to your movements

And mirrored your steps

As she closed her eyes and felt

Every beat of each song

It was As if it were the compression’s

Of a stranger

Fighting to bring her back to life

 

Each step she took

Was a painful reminder

That she took this journey on her own

That the beginning of her dream

Was the end of a lifetime

And the death of the person she once was

 

With each song

Class after class

Slowly..

Slowly but, so very surely

She Danced the bottoms of her feet rough

calloused from the voyage

But now thick

Made to endure

 

with every instrument that she heard

She was ignited

Her reflection

More beautiful in her eyes

Because although she may not have been enough then

In your songs

On your floor

She was glowing for the first time

In her life

 

when you looked in her eyes

You looked at her with such yearning

Such adoration

Who knew that she had never seen that look given to her before

Although she thought she had loved and was loved

The moment you looked at her, with exactly that gaze

She felt, the most beautiful, the most loved and wanted

 

You didn’t know

that she had a lifetime of insecurities

Built up within her

You didn’t know

The effect your singular glance would have upon her

You had no idea that the way you placed your hand

On the sides of her waist

Was so much bigger in her heart than the action that took place

 

Whether you meant it then

Or not

That moment will live in her forever

that in that decaying studio

With no kitchen

And mice running within the walls

You would give her the moment that would ultimately change her life forever

That you would pull her close and look in her eyes and she would know then

That

She is beautiful to someone

Sexy to someone

Good enough for someone

To give her the confidence to believe in it

 

for herself

 

 

 

Don’t lift me up to drop me 

I wrote this poem September 27, 2016

I had found a happiness  but  with the same breath of this poem, and the fear of losing the love, I eventually let my anxiety tear apart what had become amazing.

Don’t you lift me up to drop me…

Don’t you dare fill me to the brim just to knock me over

The time it took to fill me

Drip by drip

Compliment after affection

Good deed after kisses on foreheads

Factor in the evaporation  equation

The occasional sip

Don’t you dare resuscitate this dying heart of mine

Just to pull the plug as I dream

As the pressure builds within my chest and the butterflies

Fling themselves against the walls of my thoracic cavity

Please don’t  intubate me

When its apparent that I can’t catch my breath

Don’t be afraid that I will detonate as the pressure becomes to strong for me to contain

Don’t be fooled

As you auscultate erb’s point

Pulse bounding

Palms sweaty

This sensation makes me fearful

But, fearful of amazing,

Is mountains above numb

Please don’t feel the sensation of a saturated cloud

And pray for rain

Because I have thirsted for this since the day

I thought I knew love

Only to realize that what I thought was love

Would be dim in comparison to yours

So please don’t fill my cup just to tip it over

Runneth over the bedside table

Soak into the carpet

Stepped on

Dirtied

Dried

Until all that’s left is the spatter