I guess I have some soul searching to do

School is finally out at least until February and a lot of things have been on my mind.  A friend of mine made a comment to me that with school over, now I have time to de-stress …. And somehow .. I am even more stressed, and this is what I have concluded as to why…

 

When I am in school, it is my main and only priority … everything else can just F off.  Apartment turns in to a homeless camp, food in the home is basically non existent, if I’m completely honest with myself, I don’t shower as much as I should either.  I gain weight because I have no time to exercise, and I eat whatever I can get my hands on.

 

So, when school is over, instead of being overwhelmed with relief, I am FLOODED with every other responsibility I have set aside during the semester.  I have to get my finances in order.  I have to work on losing the weight I gained .. Which also means that I have to cook at home and grocery shop and exercise and make healthy choices.  I have to clean the tornado that is my home.  Make time for the friends that I have neglected and prepare for the next semester.  Start writing again because I haven’t been able to.  It all becomes overwhelming to the point that I would rather be in bed doing nothing, than prioritizing the to do list that all seems to be important.

 

So many things on my mind that I can’t even squeeze a poem out, so I’m writing this rant instead, so at least I’m writing something.

 

Hmmm.. I read a post earlier, Spin class stories where they spoke about life spinning out of control and being on an endless cycle.  Initially, I thought to myself, this doesn’t apply to me, because, I’m not on an endless cycle, I am on a path and I am moving forward, but in the midst of writing this rant, I came to realize, I am on an endless cycle.  A cycle of never being content.  I am never celebrating my accomplishments.  My first reaction is always, “why didn’t I do better?” or “when will I reach the day, that it is better?”.  A year from now, things will be better.  But I never stop and say, “you passed that class, you are amazing” I am on this forever cycle of never being happy with what I have and what I obtain.

 

That would seem to make me a pessimist, but I never thought of myself as a pessimist.  I thought of myself as an optimist really.  But, I guess I’m not that either.

 

In the post that I read earlier, they ask, “what are you going to do about it?”

And I think that it is very important that I deal with this now because if I don’t, not matter what I accomplish, I won’t be happy with myself.  This transcends into my relationship as well.  I can be with someone that loves me and cares for me and I will somehow fixate on the one thing that I might not agree with and think it’s a deal breaker.  My friend told me when I was venting the other night about this exact subject, that even with the next person, I will find something to fixate on, and I will never be content.

 

Wow, cycle for sure.  And to think, I thought I was exempt.

 

Anyway, I guess, I have some soul searching to do, some positive affirmations to start telling myself every morning, and the changing of my attitude to become a happier and better person.

 

GOOD NIGHT

2 thoughts on “I guess I have some soul searching to do

Add yours

  1. Some people go their whole lives without making these realizations, so just by realizing these things, you’re doing pretty good. Don’t be discouraged, I believe in you!

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