School is finally out at least until February and a lot of things have been on my mind.  A friend of mine made a comment to me that with school over, now I have time to de-stress …. And somehow .. I am even more stressed, and this is what I have concluded as to why…

When I am in school, it is my main and only priority … everything else can just F off.  Apartment turns in to a homeless camp, food in the home is basically non existent, if I’m completely honest with myself, I don’t shower as much as I should either.  I gain weight because I have no time to exercise, and I eat whatever I can get my hands on.

So, when school is over, instead of being overwhelmed with relief, I am FLOODED with every other responsibility I have set aside during the semester.  I have to get my finances in order.  I have to work on losing the weight I gained .. Which also means that I have to cook at home and grocery shop and exercise and make healthy choices.  I have to clean the tornado that is my home.  Make time for the friends that I have neglected and prepare for the next semester.  Start writing again because I haven’t been able to.  It all becomes overwhelming to the point that I would rather be in bed doing nothing, than prioritizing the to do list that all seems to be important.

So many things on my mind that I can’t even squeeze a poem out, so I’m writing this rant instead, so at least I’m writing something.

Hmmm.. I read a post earlier, Spin class stories where they spoke about life spinning out of control and being on an endless cycle.  Initially, I thought to myself, this doesn’t apply to me, because, I’m not on an endless cycle, I am on a path and I am moving forward, but in the midst of writing this rant, I came to realize, I am on an endless cycle.  A cycle of never being content.  I am never celebrating my accomplishments.  My first reaction is always, “why didn’t I do better?” or “when will I reach the day, that it is better?”.  A year from now, things will be better.  But I never stop and say, “you passed that class, you are amazing” I am on this forever cycle of never being happy with what I have and what I obtain.

That would seem to make me a pessimist, but I never thought of myself as a pessimist.  I thought of myself as an optimist really.  But, I guess I’m not that either.

In the post that I read earlier, they ask, “what are you going to do about it?”

And I think that it is very important that I deal with this now because if I don’t, not matter what I accomplish, I won’t be happy with myself.  This transcends into my relationship as well.  I can be with someone that loves me and cares for me and I will somehow fixate on the one thing that I might not agree with and think it’s a deal breaker.  My friend told me when I was venting the other night about this exact subject, that even with the next person, I will find something to fixate on, and I will never be content.

Wow, cycle for sure.  And to think, I thought I was exempt.

Anyway, I guess, I have some soul searching to do, some positive affirmations to start telling myself every morning, and the changing of my attitude to become a happier and better person.

GOOD NIGHT