Month: March 2018

Its funny the way he treats me like treasure

 

As if

he is blown away that I am even in his possession

 

As if

Someone might try and steal me away at any moment

 

As if

I may be made of gold

 

He jokes

As if I fight away wolves on a daily

 

He acts as if I am the most beautiful woman

On this planet

 

He treats me

Like I am something so exquisitely rare and special

 

And every time

It boggles me

 

If only I could see myself through his eyes

 

If only I could feel what he feels when he touches me

 

If only my reflection

Was a mirror through his thoughts

 

Because I do not see what he sees in me

 

I do not know what he cherishes so dearly

 

But every time he calls me beautiful

A small chip on my shoulder is filled

 

Every time he tells he loves me exactly how I am

A small scratch is buffed out of my veneer

 

He doesn’t realize how beautiful he makes me feel

 

He doesn’t know that through his eyes

He saves me every day

 

And one day

I hope my own eyes will do the same

 

 

I know it was just an

Ice cream cake

 

But it really was so much more

 

It was the evisceration of all the sadness

Spanning two failed relationships sitting within my gut

 

It was the eradication of ten years worth of broken promises

 

It was the first heartbeat that knew that it was heard

 

It was just an ice cream cake

 

It was calories

 

And chocolate

 

It was just dessert  that said “happy birthday”

 

But to me

 

It was a sign that said

 

You cared when no one else would

 

It said you listened

 

When everyone else heard none

 

It said SELFLESSNESS

 

Because I knew you would never have a bite

 

It said that even though you wanted to give me more

You thought of me

 

It wasn’t until my 30th birthday

That I thought to myself

 

I am finally with a man that sincerely

loves me

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Somewhere deep inside of me

There is a glimmer of hope

A spark of life

An anchor

Keeping me grounded

Just to you

 

Somewhere deep inside of me

Under years of confusion

Beneath the rubble of many long fought wars

Buried within the ashes of the reborn phoenix

As it bursts into flames and is reborn again and again

 

Somewhere in this body of mine

Lost among the towers of memories

The emotions that I hoard

There is a tether

 

Constructed of diamonds

Embedded in titanium

 

Followed all the way to the end

And it is you

 

But how

How can I breathe

When I am saturated full with my tears

Dehydrated from the loss of my efforts

And drowning from my lungs brimming

With the need to scream

 

How will we survive

When the lack of windows

And my boiling blood

Create an atmosphere so dense

Most times we are so blinded

We cannot see

 

How will we push forward when beneath all the garbage

Mold is growing, overwhelmingly so

We are silently poisoning ourselves

We will one day be so nauseatingly sick

The sight of each other will undoubtedly

Bring us straight to our knees

 

Please

Explain to me

 

We can either

Suffocate within the flames

Drag each other down

 

We can spend a lifetime

Trying to find our way

Untying our knots

Tripping over the piles of bad dreams

Search for all the keys to unlock all the locks

 

Scrambling to find the exit sign on different ends of this room

Stomping on top of  each other as we fight to find our  way there

 

Or

 

We can box up the nightmares

Send them off to, who cares where

Sweep up the ashes

Into urns

Place them on mantles

To remind us that we have been through it all

And yet we are still here

Fighting

Not just to survive

But to survive  together

Each urn

A decorated trophy

We have been through the worst

Yet this tether has shown no wear

 

We can pack up the memories

Store them in a place not to be forgotten

But to be forgiven

Because without them, who would we be,

Anyway?

 

We can give a good scrub

Buff the scars off of the floors

Wax the tile

So we can continue dancing

Without the friction of our history

Slowing us down

 

Because underneath all

The Bullshit

You are exactly who I want to call home

 

 

in a state of limbo

during a time when I experienced the most change

picking up my entire life for a new one

Molding me into a robot

working toward growth and improvement

yet stagnant in life

not wanting to let go

because letting go means

goodbye

Because in one word, a whole life is erased

As if the last 6 years of my life meant nothing

as if the fights didn’t make us better and stronger people

as if the make ups didn’t mean we were so perfect for each other

like the children we acquired together

were no longer mine to love

saying goodbye

means

that the tears I cried into beach towels and tee shirts were washed away and dried at the laundry mat

ironed out 

every wrinkle and crease in my life

straightened out

with no hint of what was once there

the bleach from the laundry mat

the aroma

so pungent

the smell of

goodbye

it burns my nostrils

it stings my eyes

yet I stand there 

watching my life turn round and round

like the clothes in the washer

encompassed in the bubbles

and when that light turns on

“ready for bleach”

I pour in that goodbye

slowly

reminiscently

watching every stain I’ve obtained

wash away

like the 6 years I have spent with you

dissipating into the bubbles

as I fold my clothes 
carefully

I think

this is what I am going to wear tomorrow

a new day

a new life

stepping out of

limbo

What is it that haunts you, boy ?

The acid that you spit from between your teeth

The venom you conjure within your bowels

Created by the hatred that you boil within

Waiting for your top to explode

What is it that is paining you, boy?

I see between the hateful words that you spew

I see beneath the anti-Semitism

I see that under all the hate you have for her

You want her love

Maybe her approval

What happened along the way

That made her lose you?

What happened along the way

To make you think that flying was the only way out?

At 12 years old, how could you think that your only option

Was to take away choice?

I watch you throw your belongings

I watch as you break your only valuables

I listen as you joke about how little life means to you

About how your dying body is a body that you have no intention

Of saving

Nothing I say will make a difference now

I see that all I say is not even heard

But I hope one day, boy

You find all the answers that you need

I hope that one day your heart is filled with love

And you could show the world that the hurt does not

Control you