Jenga

I wish I could make it stop 

I do 

It’s like

Playing jenga

Trying to figure out the puzzle

when it was already whole to begin with 

Every piece 

A clue that I must pull out and dissect 

poking holes through my own logic 

Seeing through my own thoughts 

Piling on top of each other 

Creating some form of a reality 

That is just destined to come tumbling down 

I wish I could make it stop 

I do 

The higher the tower grows

Force = mass x acceleration 

The harder the fall

The louder the noise 

Even when I see it tilting 

And I know just how this ends, the scene 

As soon as the bricks hit the ground 

It startles me 

I wish I could make it stop 

I do 

But no matter what I try 

 I lose 

Little Did He Know

He said to me 

“You are being explosive ” 

Little did he know, 

There was a tornado inside me that I was holding back from  being released.

He said to me

“You are teetering on the edge”

Little did he know,

I tip-toed the tight-walk for miles before I got here

He doesn’t know I watched myself demolish this room

Ripped things off the walls

Flipped over every table 

Breaking every breakable thing 

As I sat on this bed engulfed with the fire within me

While sitting in the calm

When The Anxiety Hits Me

It’s hard to explain really.

It’s a wave of distrust in the people that I love the most.
It’s a moment of suspicion that grew from the seed of the most mundane moment.

Sometimes, it’s the inability to be truly happy.
Sometimes, it’s a sadness that has no reason.

It’s being afraid that one wrong glance can make someone hate you.
It’s worrying that one missed call means that you are no longer loved.

I wish that I could describe it to you in a way that you could read and simultaneously feel, just to understand what a person with anxiety goes through.

Sometimes, behind the silence and the smile, there is an entire hurricane going on inside. At times, it is in the mind. At times, it is in the heart. In the worst moments, it is in both.

It can feel like being short of breath accompanied by the ability to breathe.
It can feel like being tachycardic, but a glance at your heart rate tells you that you are just fine.
It can feel like you are in “fight or flight” mode for hours on end with nothing to fight and nothing to run from.

It can be days of negativity and anger when all you want is to feel love.

I catch glimpses of her sometimes ….. 


The girl behind the anxiety.  


Usually it’s within a candid photograph or mistaken video.


I see her laugh


-minus the  insecurities
-minus the doubt
-minus the worry
-minus the fear 
-minus the overthinking 


And she is beautiful. 


I don’t want you to read this and think… 

Less of me 

Worry for me 

Sadness for me 

Annoyance toward me 

Because the way that I see it…

People that go through this world battling anxiety and still 

-get up every morning 

-want to be the best version of themselves

-have hope for the present and future

-want to spread love and happiness 

-go to work in stressful challenging environments

-encourage and uplift

-LOVE 

Are some of the strongest and most compassionate people that I have ever met.

We go through this world with love and understanding, with empathy and hope.  Even though our moments can be harder to get through than some.  

We can comprehend your hurt, but we can also be your rock, because we have already faced a million thunderstorms within us and we know how to stand strong.  

I guess what I am trying to say, is that I am PROUD of the woman I am.  I am thankful for the  things that have made me become that woman I am today.

But I also catch glimpses of the girl behind the Anxiety sometimes.


AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL