Tag: nursing

It’s OFFICIAL!

Posted in Uncategorized, Writings and RamblingsTagged , , , , , , , , , 2 Comments

I received this message this morning as I woke up and the feeling of constant dread that I have had since taking my NCLEX suddenly faded away. This journey to my RN has been an extremely long one. Not just the prerequisite classes that I was taking in my early twenties, but from the beginning of my RN program to now has been a long road filled with ups and downs.

I moved to Southern California away from anyone that I knew to start my nursing program. It was me and my dog, five hours away from where we had previously been calling home. Small studio, no kitchen. My makeshift kitchen was in a small room that I also installed a closet rod in.  I hadn’t thought about it at the time, but it ended up being a VERY bad idea, considering my clothes now smelled of anything I was cooking. I slept on an air mattress for months and struggled to wash dishes in a bathroom sink. It was a challenge for sure, but I didn’t care. I found a job, I was starting nursing school, I was independent, and I was PROUD of myself.

I thought to myself.

“I AM DOING IT”

At that time in my life, I just left a relationship of seven years. I dropped my mom at the airport to move to the Philippines a couple months prior. I physically had never been more alone. I was heartbroken, I was anxious at a new job, and I was excited/stressed about managing my first semester. BUT

I WAS DOING IT

I was finding a way to wake up every morning and be positive. I was finding a way every day to earn my own trust. To learn what it meant to be truly in charge of my own life and focus on me and my well being. I was happy. I was learning how to live my life.

Fast forward a bit, I went through an eviction, repo, heartbreak, frustration, complications with paperwork and school. I went through sleep deprivation, getting laid off from my first hospital job after almost 2 years.

This year alone, I lost my mom super unexpectedly, had 2 car accidents, had a car stolen .

BUT

This journey also brought me love and friendships, adventures, the triumphs after the struggles.
It brought me a new level of self awareness.

This year alone, I graduated from nursing school, went to my little brothers wedding,

PASSED MY NCLEX

My dreams are slowly but surely becoming reality. My list of goals are being checked off.

DONE … AND DONE!

I want to tell anyone out there that has a dream. No matter the circumstances, no matter the hardships, or the roadblocks… you can do it. You can accomplish it. It may take you longer than expected, things may even feel as though they are getting thrown in your path just to make you fail, but, If you want it bad enough, if you love yourself enough to trust in your dream and put you plan into action, you can do it.

There were times that I felt like, everything was just too much. But then I would think..

“If I don’t continue this path to my giant goal, where I am right now, is the best I am ever going to get. This day that I am having RIGHT NOW is going to be the same day I will have for the rest of my life. NO… I don’t want to live this struggle forever.. and that is exactly what I will have to do if I give up”

If your goal is to not work your 9-5 and be your own boss
If your goal is to find a job you love with the talents that GOD has blessed you with
If your goal is to spend more time at home with your family, not missing your daughter’s school play because you had to work overtime

All you have to do is to put that plan in action and ask yourself….

“This feeling of being unhappy, being not content with life, is this the way I am willing to feel for the rest of my life?”

If the answer is NO

Then move your butt and put your plan in action.

A lot of people that I have met, when I tell them that I moved from Northern California alone to LA for school, have said…

“You are so brave”
“You are so strong”
“You have guts”

It means the world to me. But to be honest, being afraid was never a thought that crossed my mind. Needing to feel fear was never in the vicinity of my thought process for this particular decision because it is what I needed to do.

Goal : be a nurse

Step 1. GET INTO NURSING SCHOOL

I did

Step 2. Go to nursing school

Ok

There was no “ifs ands or buts” about any of it. So when I say go for it. Because you can do it…. I truly mean… GO FOR IT

Passing this test has meant a lot to me. It means that all the hard work I put in, all the struggles were worth it. But it is also all very bittersweet. My mom was suppose to be here to see me pass this test. I want anything in the world to be able to call her and tell her that I passed. I want to hear her scream on the other end of the phone and laugh and tell me “congrats babygirl”. I want so much to hear her say that she’s coming home and that we will celebrate.

I know that she’s around me, that she’s proud of me, that she is just as excited as I am, I just wish I could hug her and hold her hand.

I want to thank my mom, for always and forever being my cheerleader. Through all of my life decisions she had her opinion. But she also had my back. She was always the first to say she loved me and the first to tell me she was proud of me. She never skipped a beat to uplift me as a child, tell me how smart I was and that I could be anything I put my mind to. She taught me to dream and to love and all I can say is Thank you for everything. I love you.

I want to thank the rest of my family as well, my dad, my aunts and uncles, my siblings, my boyfriend. For being there for me when times were tough. For having the faith in me, that I could accomplish big things, for loving me unconditionally, even when I made decisions that made them shake their heads. I am a better person because I have all of you in my life. I can’t wait to celebrate this WIN with you. I love you all.

Countdown To The NCLEX

Posted in My Storm Within My Calm Exterior, Uncategorized, Writings and RamblingsTagged , , , , , , , 1 Comment

For those of you that don’t know what the NCLEX is, it is a giant test that stands between you and your dream of being a nurse.  It is a test to verify that you have enough knowledge in that pretty little noggin’ of yours to provide safe and quality care to your patients.  It is a test that is the real finish line in the race you started when you began nursing school.  And it’s a hard one.  Your test can be 75 questions long, or it can be over 200 questions long, all depending on how well you are answering them.  You will get questions that give you 5 right answers, you just have to pick the best one and hope that the right answer you picked is the right answer for the test.  It is a $500 test that, if you do not pass, you have to wait 3 months before you can take it again.  It is scary.

So my test is scheduled for October 18th, and a couple of months ago, I was fine, confident.  I wasn’t worried.  Life had thrown me plenty curveballs already this year, and I thought, “all I have left to do to get myself out of this hole, is to pass this test”.

And then came my fender bender, a week later, a car stolen that we had to pay $600 dollars to get out of a tow yard even though it was missing tires, seats, steering wheel, etc.  Now, a month later and we have another accident.

This year, my friends, besides the fact that I graduated nursing school and was able to see my little brother get married, has quite possibly been one of the most stressful and depressing years of my life.  So much of me wishes that I could just pause life for a moment and take a breath.  But life doesn’t work that way.  Here I am,  tonight, sick, 2 days of studying lost because of whatever bug I’m battling, 1000 more questions of studying that I need to do and more because I am not confident I will pass yet, receiving breaking news that our only car was rendered useless.  I am not sure how I will get to work on Thursday.  It is just too much.  But I have to get it done.

I literally have 8 days left to study and 3 of those are work days.  I feel like I should move my test maybe.  But maybe I shouldn’t.  I don’t know.

Anyway, I’m writing because I am overwhelmed.

I wanted to semi document my journey through nursing school, but I never did.  I wanted to document my journey for this NCLEX, but I don’t know what to say really.

Okay, here is what I have to say.

In real time, real feelings, honesty,
A month ago, I had a long list on my to-do list.  After graduation, I just wanted to accomplish it all.  I wanted to stay strong with water intake, daily workouts, eating right.  I wanted to meal prep, and cook, and lose weight.  I wanted to study for my test and pass.  I wanted to start writing more.

But it felt like I was failing at EVERYTHING

There was so much on my plate that everything was dying.  What is that phrase? About spreading yourself too thin, or watering too many plants that you don’t give one enough water to survive?

Whatever

You get my point

I decided a few weeks ago that I had to drop every other goal for now so that I could focus on my exam.  My anxiety was getting heightened and the overloaded plate was making my panic attacks come back.  So I decided “F the eating right, F the weight gain, F the workouts” I need to study and only study until this test is behind me.

Viola!

Weight lifted off my shoulders.  Granted, I’m gaining weight, my skin is a mess, my apartment, I can’t see the floor of.

But I’m happier and no more panic attacks.

Still stressed out,  still worried about not passing this test. But at least I’m not spontaneously crying anymore.

For anyone reading this, for anyone with a list of goals, for anyone with anxiety.

Sometimes, you feel like you have to be superwoman.  Sometimes, you feel like you have to be perfect; the perfect girlfriend, the perfect employee, the perfect housemate, perfect woman.  You want that perfect body and perfect skin.

But sometimes, you have to be okay with not being perfect.  You have to be okay with saying it’s too much and you have to live within imperfection for a while.  You have to let yourself breathe and take care of yourself.

When I told some people that I was going to throw everything out of the window and just focus on studying, most of my feedback, was “why?! You can do it, you can eat right, and work out, and study, and come to work, just do __, __, and ___” and it made me think for a moment, maybe I am taking an easy road out, maybe I am being lazy…..NO

I saw what it was doing to me, trying to be perfect.  Trying to accomplish it all at once.  I am not abandoning all my goals.  I am just pausing some while I focus on one.

The point that I am now trying to make, is that no one knows what you are going through but yourself.  You know what you need, you know how you feel, you know what you can handle.  Don’t let other people push you into running yourself into the ground.

Love yourself, take care of yourself, it is okay to live in imperfection.

Sincerely,

An introverted dreamer that doesn’t want her madness to be silenced 💋

 

P.S. Picture is of my life beside me because I needed theraflu all day, comfort, and hydration.  Not healthy, I know, but I’m sick, don’t judge me.

John Doe

Posted in Heart Full of Poetry / Mind Full of Words, UncategorizedTagged , , , , , 4 Comments

He looks at me
But he does not see me
He sees through me
But not to my soul

his eyes
Dark
Black
Lost

They dart from corner to corner
Not sure of where he is
Not sure of who he is

They pass judgment on you and I am so sorry
They tell me you are homeless
They tell my you are a drunk
They tell me that you are alone

I want to tell you that you are not alone
Do not be afraid
I will fight to know who you are
I will fight for the family that may be looking for you
I will search for the kids you may have
I will look for you inside your lost mind

You may not have a home
You may be a drunk

But I will fight forever to know your story
I will look forever for your truth
You are a human being
With a soul
And a heart
Even if you do not know
who you are