The Crimson Petal and the White

This book had been on my shelf for years now. I’ve meant to read it, and started it a few times. It wasn’t for lack lack on interest that I didn’t read it, I just found myself too busy to dive into an 800+ page book. Based in 1870s London, it is about a 19 year old whore working her way up in society. I can’t wait to finally get to finish it. Anyone what wants to read along with me… I’d love to Have you đź’‹

*fun fact : this was the book Emily Gilmore mentions in an episode of Gilmore Girls lol

I Will Dance With You Forever, My Love

When the music starts 

I know where my feet will take me 

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When the music ends

I know whose hands will lead me forward 

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You are my strength 

When my body feels weak 

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I am your warmth 

When your body feels cold 

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I will dance with you forever 

My love 

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My fingers will always be there to interlace

With yours 

.

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Like puzzle pieces created to fit 

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Your hands on my waist 

Your hands on my hips 

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“When you dip, I dip, we dip” 

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I will dance with you forever 

My Love 

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As long as the music plays 

My feet will dance their way towards you 

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But when the music ends 

And all is eerily calm 

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When the room is empty 

And all is gone 

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We will create the music to drive us 

We will find the melody to take us home

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Neversilencethemadness.com 

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#bloggerstyle #blogger #poetry #poemsofinstagram #poetrylovers #poet 

Surround yourself with people that spread love along with you

There comes a time in ones life when you realize it really is okay to truly LOVE yourself and the person you are. To OWN, your strengths and not shy away from them. To be happy and surround yourself with people that spread love along with you.

Thank you to our amazing instructor and everyone in class today. The positive energy, the love, you all are glowing 🥰

POT PIES REMIND ME OF MY MOTHER

As I sit here on my lunch break at work tonight

I dig into the first pot pie I’ve had in years 

Daydream of my childhood 

When my mom would make pot pies for dinner 

When we had blueberry pie and vanilla ice cream for a treat 

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I didn’t know then

What a simple pot pie would mean to me now 

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I didn’t know before

The warmth of this pot pie 

Would also bring warmth to my heart 

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Remembrance of the family I lost

The time we had together 

The aroma of laughter 

And a stomach full of stability and peace 

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.

Pot pies, apparently remind me of my mother 

Of the days when she was my mommy 

Of the long evenings playing in the backyard 

Of the living room workouts 

Of the halloween costumes that she would make from scratch

Of the movie dates 

Of karate class

When she would cheer me on from the side lines hoping I would eventually throw a punch

Of the leotards for gymnastics 

Of the cartwheels I couldn’t do

Of the long sushi lunch

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It all reminds me of her

Of my little hand in hers 

Of our chubby fingers 

And our chubby toes 

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Laughing about the little things that only her and I know

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Pot pies remind me a lot of my mother 

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.

When she would call us in for dinner 

Dance her way around 

With hugs strong enough to smother

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When she would sit us all down 

Sing her way to the freezer

And then surprise us with dessert

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Neversilencethemadness.com 

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#bloggerstyle #blogger #poetry #poemsofinstagram #poetrylovers

Most Days

Most days 

I do the things I Love 

I seek out the things that make me happy 

I love the people around me that I hold dear 

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.

Most days 

I dance because I love the music 

I sing because I love the words 

I cry because I feel the passion 

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Most days 

I live my life 

Go from point A to point B 

Grateful for the day I have been given 

Hopeful for tomorrow 

Learning from the memory of my past 

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Most days 

I inhale the beauty that this world places before me 

I exhale the impossibles 

And I get myself to tomorrow 

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.

But ….. 

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.

Some days 

I miss the comfort of being able to call you any time of the day 

To hear your voice 

To vent insecurities 

To remind ourselves that we are queens 

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Some days 

I really miss the road trips 

The Cuddles 

And hearing your laughter 

I miss the way your hand held mine 

The way your laughter turned your face red 

And I could barely catch a glimpse of your eyes 

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Some days 

I fear that I will never be able to laugh again 

That I will forever only be able to giggle 

That I will only have enough happiness in me to smile 

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.

Some days 

I fear that I will never be whole 

Because you are no longer with me 

There will always be a veil of sadness 

There will always be a piece missing 

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.

Most days, mother

I tell myself that everything happens for a reason 

I find comfort in knowing that you are happy and at peace 

Free of the stress and struggle that the physical world hands us 

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.

But some days, mother 

My heart breaks from your absence 

My heart aches for the future we will not have together 

For the grandchildren you will not meet 

For the dances we will not dance

Songs we will not sing 

The unfinished dreams that you held in your pocket 

That never got to see the light of day 

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Some days, mother 

I miss you so terribly

I cannot believe that you are not here with me 

But I get myself together

Wipe the tears 

And I make it to tomorrow 

Yellow Wife By Sadeqa Johnson

May’s book of the month will be Yellow Wife. 

We will start Saturday May 1st and I will post discussions the Saturdays following, if anyone would like to join. 

10 chapters a week. 

It will also be found on FB groups : never silence the mad reader

I can’t wait to read with you 💋

He Bulldozed His Way Through Life

He bulldozed his way through life 

Never a care about anyone else 

Leaving broken hearts 

Littered across the pavement 

As he rode his way into the sunset 

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You would think that he would look back 

At least one last goodbye 

The tattered sheets he gave his love to

a sliver of warmth to the fragments he left behind 

.

I couldn’t see his face 

But I imagined … or at least I hoped 

that he had a solitary tear 

.

That he held his head high 

But he was broken inside 

.

I couldn’t hear him any longer 

But I imagined … or at least I hoped 

that his lip quivered a little 

Maybe his own heart let out a whimper

.

Because you cannot runaway from all the broken hearts 

Without breaking a little of your own in return 

.

The impetuous way he lived his life 

Hooking lines into the hearts of those around him 

Those that admired him 

Those that Loved him 

Those that needed him 

.

He reeled them in 

Dinner to last him the rest of the year 

.

He bulldozed his way through life 

Seared and devoured 

Licked his fingers to justify the life he took 

A compliment on how delicious love can taste 

.

And then he got back on that road

Satisfied and full

And headed out toward the sunset 

NEVER SILENCE THE MADNESS POETRY PROMPT “BĂŞte Noir”

A few months ago, I started a book club, on FB called NEVER SILENCE THE MAD READER. As I was reading this particular book, our first book of the club, I realized it had so many large words that I had to look up. This was a very discouraging realization because in high school, I had so much pride in myself for being an avid reader. As an adult, I didn’t get the chance to read as much, but I didn’t think my vocabulary was as limited as it was. By the end of the first book, I chalked it up to the book itself. I mean, it was called “Special Topics in Calamity physics”, what else was I going to expect? 

LOL a bunch of hard words….. 

turns out…. It wasn’t the book, because come Decembers book, and I’m still writing down a long list of words I do not know hahaha 

Anyway, I decided to write poems for each word to help me ingrain the definition into my mind. I thought it would help expand my apparently minuscule pool of vernacular. Once I started doing this, I thought, hey! why not start a poetry group and post poetry prompts, I’m already “prompting” myself, I’ll just share it, and others can join if they want to. 

I started a poetry group on FB called NEVER SILENCE THE MAD POET and I began posting my word of the week or poetry prompts. I recently decided, I’ll try sharing it on here as well and 🙏 would love it if anyone would like to participate and tag their ping backs to #NSTMPP

This weeks poetry prompt will be the word “BĂŞte Noir” 

according to Merriam-webster: 

pingback to #NSTMPP 

I’d love to read your work. 

Love Made Them Foolish, Nonsensical Lunatics 

He was foolish 

.

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He reeked of inexperience 

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Lacked the emotional wherewithal to create something worth while 

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But the look in his eyes said he wanted to try 

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The passion in his lips said inexperience in one doesn’t mean inexperience in all 

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He was an ASININE excuse for a partner 

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.

But as a lover, he was a 5 star vacation of a lifetime 

.

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He begged to prove he was more than face value 

.

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Climbed mountains to show he was more than skin deep 

.

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Ripped open his heart to prove to her that there was even a heart to see 

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.

She was foolish

.

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She reeked of a woman with too much experience but a heart too big that none of it mattered

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She lacked the emotional wherewithal to stand by her word 

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.

But the look in her eyes said she wanted to try 

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The ache in her heart meant she still had enough of one in there for one more heartbreak 

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But she was willing to put that piece of her heart in his hands and trust him not to crush it

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She was an ASININE excuse for a partner 

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.

Because she was all-in with one foot out of the door at every moment

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.

But as a lover, she was a 5 star vacation of a lifetime 

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She begged to prove that she was more than just broken pieces 

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She climbed mountains to show that the glue holding her together was strong enough to carry them both 

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Ripped open her heart to prove to him that there was enough in there to keep on loving

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They were an ASININE excuse for partners 

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Love made them foolish, nonsensical lunatics 

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But as lovers they were a 5 star vacation of a lifetime 

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And at the end of that lifetime, who wouldn’t choose to live it as such?

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In what love story, are there lovers that aren’t foolish, that haven’t lost their senses? 

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In what scenario does love not make you both a little crazy for each other? 

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I truly do not know, but if you ask them, they will tell you…. 

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It is going to be hard, but most things Worth having usually are

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True love, knocks us a little off our senses 

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But at the end of every day you just have to say

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I choose you 

Response to NEVER SILENCE THE MADNESS POETRY PROMPT “ASININE”

The Universe is an IMPLACABLE Thing

With every twist and turn

The world tried to tear them apart 

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Whispers that linger 

Cuts that sting deep

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The unforgiving movement 

That made one nauseated while they sleep

.

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Photographs 

Pyrography etched into ones mind 

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Memories

The reality that there is never really time 

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.

But the universe is an implacable thing 

With it’s mind made up 

There is no real twisting and turning 

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Every bump in the road 

Every detour 

Every kink in the path 

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.

What is meant to be 

Will be 

And the universe will handle that 

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She is adamant, relentless 

She is unforgiving when she knows what she wants 

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The universe doesn’t care which way the world tries to turn 

She will spin it backwards and forwards 

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She will linger

She will haunt

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She drowns out the whispers 

Blows on the cuts 

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Navigates through the moments 

When we all get a little lost 

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She is an implacable thing 

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.

And in the end 

She always gets what she wants.   

Response to Never Silence The Madness Poetry Prompt “implacable”

Midnight Bayou by Nora Roberts

April’s book of the month will be Midnight Bayou.

We will start Thursday April 1st and I will post discussions the Thursdays following, if anyone would like to join.

5 chapters a week.

It will also be found on FB groups : never silence the mad reader

I can’t wait to read with you đź’‹

NEVER SILENCE THE MADNESS POETRY PROMPT “Asinine” 

A few months ago, I started a book club, on FB called NEVER SILENCE THE MAD READER. As I was reading this particular book, our first book of the club, I realized it had so many large words that I had to look up. This was a very discouraging realization because in high school, I had so much pride in myself for being an avid reader. As an adult, I didn’t get the chance to read as much, but I didn’t think my vocabulary was as limited as it was. By the end of the first book, I chalked it up to the book itself. I mean, it was called “Special Topics in Calamity physics”, what else was I going to expect? 

LOL a bunch of hard words….. 

turns out…. It wasn’t the book, because come Decembers book, and I’m still writing down a long list of words I do not know hahaha 

Anyway, I decided to write poems for each word to help me ingrain the definition into my mind. I thought it would help expand my apparently minuscule pool of vernacular. Once I started doing this, I thought, hey! why not start a poetry group and post poetry prompts, I’m already “prompting” myself, I’ll just share it, and others can join if they want to. 

I started a poetry group on FB called NEVER SILENCE THE MAD POET and I began posting my word of the week or poetry prompts. I recently decided, I’ll try sharing it on here as well and 🙏 would love it if anyone would like to participate and tag their ping backs to #NSTMPP

This weeks poetry prompt will be the word “Asinine” 

according to Merriam-webster:

1: extremely or utterly foolish or silly an asinine excuse

2: of, relating to, or resembling an ass

pingback to #NSTMPP 

I’d love to read your work. 

My 2020 Reading List

First, I want to say that, I have always loved reading. In high school I was always walking around with a book in my hand. A lot of times, I wasn’t paying attention in class because I was busy getting whisked away in another land. Falling in love with the characters in these books. As I got older, I found it harder and harder to read for pleasure. I was always busy studying and reading a textbook. This year is probably the year that I’ve read the most since high school and I am so proud of myself lol. I have “traveled” to New Orleans, Nigeria, New Salem. I have been shocked by family secrets, rooted for the underdog, and felt empowered by women and their magic. I have never done book reviews, so this will be a really rough summery of the books I’ve read this year, but I do hope to do this more often. So here it goes…..

IRON LACE

by Emilie Richards

This book weaves together two different generations, two different lifetimes, two different stories. We are introduced to our central character, Phillip Benedict. He’s a journalist that resides in Los Angeles, if you can call a studio with a hotplate, ‘residing’. He comes to New Orleans to visit his mother, a pretty well known Jazz singer in those parts. He has somewhat of a relationship with a beautiful woman named Belinda, but it is pretty obvious that commitment within many things aspects of his life is a difficult thing. Aurore Gerritsen, seeks out Phillip to get him to write her life story for her. She chose him for reasons that will eventually be revealed. She begins her story before she is even able to walk, and it already involved a love triangle, illegitimate children, and murder. It takes the entire book to unwind all of the lives that have been twisted together, all of the loss and the hurt. But in the end, there is relief that the truth is out there and hope that a family once torn apart, can be one day united.

I actually read this book in HS and loved it back then. I decided to reread it before I read the sequel. It is crazy how different you interpret things or how much more you understand from the characters, once you are an adult. I loved this book because it starts off with the drama and then builds the story around it. I love that the overall theme of this story is to take away segregation and unite as a family, no matter what the color of your skin is. There is a lot of history in this story about the riots and war on color at that time. Also, there is an undertone of coming up from nothing to being someone successful, none of which is determined by the amount of money that you make. One of the major loves, in my opinion is Aurore and Rafe. They did a lot to hurt each other, but underneath it all, it was misunderstandings and secrets that broke them. They really loved each other and it kills me even now, to think of how their story ended. There really is a lot more depth here than I am able to speak on. There is racism and sexism and clear segregation of society. It is a lot to unpack, but I did enjoy the book then and I enjoyed it again this year.

Rising Tides

by Emile Richards

Rising Tides begins with the death of Aurore Gerritsen and the reading of her will. She left specific rules to be carried out, everyone listed in the will must stay to hear the entire will over the course of four days and stay together at her summer house in Louisiana or else they will not receive their share. During these four days, more secrets are revealed, relationships patched, marriages broken.

We see Phillip Benedict again, as well as his mother Nicky and her partner. Aurora’s son with his wife and daughter were there although, he really didn’t want to be. I don’t have too much to say about book. I loved it because it was a continuation of Iron Lace, but I wasn’t as emotionally invested as I was in Iron Lace. We get a deeper dive into Nicky’s life after her and Clarence ran away for safety, her struggle coming up in the world and her struggle with love. We get introduced to Dawn, Aurore’s granddaughter and learn of their love for each other and her strained relationship with her dad and bond with her uncle. It is an eye opening story in relation to history, being able to see from our character’s eyes, the hardships they faced with racism and segregation, the war, and the underground ways people were trying to fight for their freedoms. It was a dangerous time to put your foot down and stand your ground. I loved being able to close the circle from Aurore’s life, but I think my heart will always belong to her and Rafe.

Special Topics in Calamity Physics

by Marisha Pessl

This one really had my mind going in circles, in a good way and in an eye opening way. This was the first book in my book club and I felt so bad because I feared the title would scare people away. I always prefaced the introduction with ‘it’s a murder mystery, it’s not what it sounds like’. The book itself is structured very interestingly; each chapter is a name of a book, and I started to panic that I needed to have read these books to get some inside joke, but that panic faded away after the first few chapters. We meet Blue Van Meer and right off the bat, she’t extremely intelligent, well rounded. She narrates this story citing multiple works of literature which also made me panic that I had to read this also or at least look up what these books were, but no need to fear, it is not that serious. I felt like I was getting slapped in the face and reminded that my vocabulary is definitely not up to par. Which, in reality was a good thing because it made me step up my game and work on it. I did have to look up a lot of words while reading this book, but that was MY fault and not the fault of the book itself. Well, we learn right away that Blue has not lived a normal life. She has suffered loss, which I think her emotions seemed kind of detached from, and we are told, that she suffers more as the book goes on. She lived a very nomadic life with her father, changing schools very often, never really living in a place that she could really call HOME. She was already accustomed to not getting too attached to her friends at school. She does eventually become friends with a group at her new school called the BLUEBLOODS, mostly because her teacher Hannah Schneider invited her into it. I don’t want to say too much and spoil the storyline, but for me, the book felt very drawn out for most if it. Events happened that made you question everything, and then all of a sudden, you are rushed within a few chapters with information that came from almost nowhere. It’s like in the movies where they do a sudden reveal, and then go back and show you clips from certain parts of the movie, and it makes you go “ooooh”.

Overall, I enjoyed the book. I with that the big reveal was more than the rush of information in the end that we have to piece together, but I guess that is how most mystery plots go. I really wanted more for Blue, and I expected more from her father, but the rest is left to our imagination to hope.

The Girl with The Louding Voice

by Abi Dare

The main character of this story is Adunni, a 14 year old girl, facing the reality of her life in Nigeria. She lost her mom a while back, and is now finding herself being married off for money. She is the girl with the “louding voice” because she doesn’t want to just accept the marriage and bare children, she wants an education, she wants independence. This is a great story on women empowerment and fighting with every bone in your body for your dreams. Adunni gets away from her husband who is trying to force her to have his baby, he is abusive and she fears for her life. She finds herself an escape, where she is again in another abusive household, practically working as a servant to survive. She becomes friends with another woman there that has the same values as she does and wants her to succeed. She helps Adunni out the situation she is in and we are then left to dream of the great things that Adunni will undoubtedly accomplish.

This is a very straightforward story of a girl that is willing to fight for her dreams, even with the world is against her. With an eye opening look at culture in certain areas of Nigeria.

The Once and Future Witches

by Alix E. Harrow

Another book about women empowerment. This book is centered around 3 sisters during a time where magic had become a thing of the past. Magic was more like whispers in the darkness, rather than the powerful being that it was. From beginning to end, this story is all about growth between these sisters. Growth in their bond, growth in themselves as women. There are a lot of underlying themes of needing to burst through confinement, push through being held down and to accept and love who you are. There is love, loss, battles. One of my favorite books of 2020 probably.

So, for my first book review post, I’d like to apologize for it lol . It had been a long time since I read some of them, and I have never written book reviews before, but I was proud of what I read in 2020 and I wanted to share. I’m hoping to improve my future book reviews and not rush it like I did with this.

It is what it is lol ……

let’s see what 2021 gives me….

NEVER SILENCE THE MADNESS POETRY PROMPT “IMPLACABLE” 

A few months ago, I started a book club, on FB called NEVER SILENCE THE MAD READER. As I was reading this particular book, our first book of the club, I realized it had so many large words that I had to look up. This was a very discouraging realization because in high school, I had so much pride in myself for being an avid reader. As an adult, I didn’t get the chance to read as much, but I didn’t think my vocabulary was as limited as it was. By the end of the first book, I chalked it up to the book itself. I mean, it was called “Special Topics in Calamity physics”, what else was I going to expect? 

LOL a bunch of hard words….. 

turns out…. It wasn’t the book, because come Decembers book, and I’m still writing down a long list of words I do not know hahaha 

Anyway, I decided to write poems for each word to help me engrain the definition into my mind. I thought it would help expand my apparently minuscule pool of vernacular. Once I started doing this, I thought, hey! why not start a poetry group and post poetry prompts, I’m already “prompting” myself, I’ll just share it, and others can join if they want to. 

I started a poetry group on FB called NEVER SILENCE THE MAD POET and I began posting my word of the week or poetry prompts. I recently decided, I’ll try sharing it on here as well and 🙏 would love it if anyone would like to participate and tag their ping backs to #NSTMPP

This weeks poetry prompt will be the word “IMPLACABLE” 

according to Merriam-Webster dictionary :

not placable not capable of being appeased, significantly changed, or mitigated an implacable enemy

1. used to describe (someone who has) strong opinions or feelings that are impossible to change

pingback to #NSTMPP 

I’d love to read your work. 

She Wondered if He Ever Spoke of Her Like That

All she wanted was to feel his finger tips 

She wanted to hear songs about their future

She wanted see the score wrap around their bodies as he spoke of all the ways he loved her 

She wanted nothing more than to be aroused by the tales of his day

The plans that he’s made 

The blueprint of his life that had her etched into every corner 

She wanted to feel his lips between hers 

Electricity 

Magnetism 

Fire 

She hungered for him 

Not only his skin 

And his kisses 

Or the way that he looked at her 

She hungered for his mind and his strength 

His vulnerability 

His passion 

His erudite rant on all the things she once knew nothing of 

Or even cared to know 

Watching his wheels turn as he spoke of all the things he loved 

The details of every manufacturer, the rational for every dip and turn 

The intricacies of every click and clack 

The admiration of the beauty and the perfection 

She wondered, 

if he ever spoke of her like that 

Response to #NSTMPP “ERUDITE”

The Petals of the Rose I Am Born

I am defeated 

Wilted 

The petals of the rose I am born 

Pathetic 

In the way she lacks to stand 

The spine 

Her fibers once full of hydration 

Cannot bear to hold her up 

She is thirsty 

Days she went without satisfying the quench 

Days she needed to replenish 

But she lay there wilted 

Not saying a word 

Breaking 

Falling apart 

Pliable 

For the inability to fight back 

I call defeat 

I throw in the towel 

I raise my white flag 

I have nothing left in me 

To fight for what my heart longed for 

You win, my love 

Forgive me

I do not have the strength anymore 

The Invisible Life of Addie Larue by V.E. Schwab

A few months ago, I started a book club in Facebook called NEVER SILENCE THE MAD READER. I decided I’d extend it to my blog and post the books, just in case anyone would like to join along. Feel free to join the FB group to participate in the discussions, but I will also post the discussions here in the comments ( I think that is how I will do this anyway, still figuring it out ).

For January we are going to read The Invisible Life of Addie Larue by V.E. Schwab. January 1 lands on a Friday, so what better day than to just start there.

week 1 : part 1+2

week 2 : part 3+4

week 3 : part 5

week 4 : part 6+7

My goal will be to post the discussion questions by that Friday after reading.

I’m excited to read with all of you đź’‹

You Saw a Pretty Thing and You Wanted to Break it

You Saw a Pretty Thing and You Wanted to Break it

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Porcelain made 

Fragile written on it 

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You peered Into the windows 

And you felt the warmth 

Radiating from the hearth 

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You sought comfort 

In the man you thought you deserved 

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.

As you felt around the doors and windows

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Checked the hinges 

Checked the boards 

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You saw a hidden crack beneath the floor 

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You seeped your way in 

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.

.

Not carefully 

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.

Not  quietly 

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You seeped in flooding  

You broke through the crack entirely 

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You tried to warm your hands upon the open fire 

.

.

You burned yourself 

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.

Fighting for the one thing that you desired

.

.

You saw a pretty thing 

And you wanted to destroy it 

.

.

You took that porcelain made home 

And you dropped it 

.

.

.

Never Silence The Madness Poetry Prompt “ERUDITE”

A few months ago, I started a book club, on FB called NEVER SILENCE THE MAD READER. As I was reading this particular book, our first book of the club, I realized it had so many large words that I had to look up. This was a very discouraging realization because in high school, I had so much pride in myself for being an avid reader. As an adult, I didn’t get the chance to read as much, but I didn’t think my vocabulary was as limited as it was. By the end of the first book, I chalked it up to the book itself. I mean, it was called “Special Topics in Calamity physics”, what else was I going to expect?

LOL a bunch of hard words…..

turns out…. It wasn’t the book, because come Decembers book, and I’m still writing down a long list of words I do not know hahaha

Anyway, I decided to write poems for each word to help me engrain the definition into my mind. I thought it would help expand my apparently minuscule pool of vernacular. Once I started doing this, I thought, hey! why not start a poetry group and post poetry prompts, I’m already “prompting” myself, I’ll just share it, and others can join if they want to.

I started a poetry group on FB called NEVER SILENCE THE MAD POET and I began posting my word of the week or poetry prompts. I recently decided, I’ll try sharing it on here as well and 🙏 would love it if anyone would like to participate and tag their ping backs to #NSTMPP

This weeks poetry prompt will be the word “ERUDITE

according to dictionary.com it is an adjective meaning “characterized by great knowledge; learned or scholarly: an erudite professor; an erudite commentary.

pingback to #NSTMPP

I’d love to read your work.

Hollow Smiles

I watched you glow as he fed you 

Abdomen engorged 

Promises; candy coated words 

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He fattened you up 

Rosie cheeked 

Arms stuffed full of flower petals 

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Honey vibrato 

To ingratiate himself with your pitter patter heart 

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He molded himself into every dream you ever wished for 

He decapitated every monster you ever lived  with 

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He woke you from your nightmare 

And he gave you something to live for 

.

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Why then, do you start to feel like something is still missing? 

Like promises are empty 

Smiles hollow 

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Why then, is there no warmth between your fingertips 

Or fire in your soul ?

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In the end, 

You do not know 

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In the end, 

You have to let the the dream of him go 

.

. 

#NSTMPP

NEVERSILENCETHEMADNESS POETRY PROMPT

I Became a Person That I Did Not Recognize

I walked through golden lit coals without falter 

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I burned through the walls of poison ivy without a scratch 

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Even being stoned and beaten without release 

Was not a match 

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My shoulders straight back 

My chin never defeated 

.

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I trekked through this life with my head held high

My conscience pure 

I had all I needed

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.

But yesterday 

Your fingers slowly released mine 

.

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What was once interlaced 

And intertwined 

.

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Was now empty and free 

Our love

No longer clandestine

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.

I felt my legs weak 

My hands fumbled 

My speech so lost 

I stumbled 

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Without the support of your grasp

I lost the ground beneath me 

I lost the sky above me 

Everything I thought I needed 

I couldn’t see 

.

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Across the golden lit coals 

I cried 

Crawled 

Despised 

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I became a person 

That I did not recognize 

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You Came Into My Life When I Needed to Be Loved

You came into my life when I was lost 

My Hurt echoed off of the walls 

Insecurities gunned me down

By the people that promised to keep me safe 

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Slumber within a prison that did not have any bars

Drowned by the monsoon they locked inside with me

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You came into my life when I was about to run away 

Everybody smiled in front of my face 

And hid the grenades 

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Eyes glued to the ground

Fear excruciatingly heavy 

I had nothing left 

My cries held no sound 

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You came into my life when I needed to feel loved 

You held my hand when I was falling 

Raised my chin up 

.

.

And set my eyes right on you 

You set my feet atop your shoes 

“Do not run, I will walk with you” 

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You came into my life 

When I needed to be engulfed by the arms of someone’s hug 

You came into my life 

When I needed to feel loved 

.

.

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*picture is from my favorite Gelato place When I visited Rome Last Feb

Little Seed Planted in My Heart

Whispers fill the room 

I can visualize it 

Like the notes on sheet music 

Flowing through 

Singing tune

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It’s like a little seed planted in my heart

Fertilized by anxiety

And the palpitations start 

.

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I cannot unsee 

What I think I have seen 

.

.

Befell

The horror stories on my heart

I can’t un-tell  

.

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The room is stifling with 

Whispers 

And music 

With stories 

And lies 

.

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And that little seed within my heart 

Is the only plant I own

 That doesn’t seem to die

Delusions of Grandeur

With empty eyes 

And a hollow heart 

You looked at me that night 

.

.

You said goodbye 

With your chest puffed up

Above my line of sight 

.

.

Peering down 

It’s plain as day to see 

You move with an air of confidence

Arrogance 

Far far better than me

.

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Their whispers became Screams 

Deep within your head 

The nagging echos 

Did not allow you to rest 

.

.

You thrust your megalomaniacal words 

In my face 

You run away

Without haste

.

.

My heart

Was never dear to your soul 

And I realized 

At that moment 

I meant nothing to you anymore 

.

.

Falling Toward a Ground that was Never Meant to Catch You

They say my head is in the clouds 

Why? 

I dream too much? 

I think too highly of myself? 

My judgment is cloudy?

.

.

.

They say to get my head out of the clouds

Why? 

Envious of the extent in which I dream? 

Of the height I allow myself to fall from? 

Because I know that I will survive 

And I will get right back up.

.

.

.

I look above me 

How soft a place to lay upon 

Angelic 

Serene 

Spiritual 

.

.

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I can see the castles 

From just right here

Peaking 

Hiding 

Real 

.

.

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Once I have climbed all I can climb

Hoisted above the greatest arena 

I look below me 

And I see them 

.

.

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It is the most joyous first couple steps 

It is the bottomless hug I never knew I needed 

It is the cool condensation on a heatwave of a day 

It is the insulation on a chilly night 

.

.

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It is the infinity fall 

From a ground that was never meant to catch you 

It is your stomach flying out of your chest 

It is watching everything you hold dearly

Become engulfed in the comfort 

Or released in the mayhem 

.

.

.

I can see the castles from here

I can hear the trumpets playing 

And the angels singing 

I am not afraid of the fall 

Because I know you are near me 

Not Sure What To Think…

So, a few weeks ago, I had a dream about my mom for the first time in a while. There wasn’t a storyline, just a bunch of flashes. Random scenes and a general overall feeling of panic. The entire dream, all I felt was dread. I had no idea why I hadn’t talked to my mom in a while. I was so confused, wondering why in the world I felt like I hadn’t talked to my mom in a long time. I had flashes at my childhood home, watching my dad change a baby diaper, at Zumba dancing in front of the mirror, at a large property searching for my car, I felt like I was running around trying to figure out how to to talk to my mom again. I was trying to figure out, what app, what her username was, making an account. I just frantically wanted to talk to her.

It was then that I woke up. And for a split moment, I really truly wondered why I hadn’t talked to my mom in so long. Then it hit me, that I hadn’t talked to her, because she isn’t here anymore. An overwhelming sadness came through me because it was as if, for a moment, I was losing her all over again.

I get up, and I’m trying to shake off this feeling. I open Facebook and scroll for a moment and then this ad pops up:

For those of you that don’t know my mother, The wolf was her animal. She had multiple wolf decor at home and she had a wolf tattoo climbing up her hip. She called me baby girl growing up.

Anyway, coincidence or not, I was a balling baby after seeing this. I was so emotional for the rest of the day.

Moral of my story, I will always love and miss my mamas.

Pit Stops

I can trace back the memories 

Like a roadmap of my life 

.

.

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Each pit stop 

A part of my undoing 

.

.

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Each rest stop 

A natural high 

.

.

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You ask me not to look back 

At the hurt I have been caused 

.

.

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But each landmark 

Is a permanent placeholder 

For what I’ve loved and what I’ve lost 

.

.

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It is impossible for me to look at my life 

And erase the days I drove off the track

.

.

.

 far in the future

 I’ll be able to settle down 

Relax  my legs 

And unpack 

.

.

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The collection mugs 

The silver spoons 

The pictures taken but never hung 

.

.

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Put my feet up 

From the race I ran 

But never won 

.

.

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I stare at my life 

Like a map 

Of the road trip 

I desperately wanted to take 

.

.

.

With all the beautiful pit stops 

I never planned 

But don’t regret 

That I have made 

I Can’t Unsee It Now

I looked out into the world

And I saw it

.

.

.

We are all main characters in our own books 

.

.

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I couldn’t unsee what I had seen 

All of us walking around with pages and chapters 

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With bookmarks to save the important parts 

.

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With spines and bindings 

Pristine 

Or stained with living 

.

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I can’t unsee it now 

.

.

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The way our lives play out 

Like the chapters in a book 

Like stories to be told 

.

.

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With love and heartbreak 

With turmoil 

And body aches 

.

.

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I saw the words written on everyones face

“He had a rough past, and now he’s struggling to reach his future” 

“Her heart has just been broken, but she fought on for her daughter”

“He said goodbye to his dad not knowing it would be the last time he hugged him” 

“ She just found her soulmate, but she really didn’t know it” 

.

.

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I can’t unsee it now 

.

.

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The way we are all main characters in our own books 

Trilogies 

From childhood 

To Throughout our lives 

To our THE END. 

.

.

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It’s become an obsession 

.

.

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Because I just want to read them all 

Every word 

Every chapter 

To feel the bookmarked 

To soak in every reason why 

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I want to flip through your lurid pages

Because you are a book I want to read 

.

.

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And I can’t unsee it now

Adieu

She told him

.

.

“I want nothing 

I am ninety-one

Please let me go” 

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He looked at her solemnly 

.

.

“Don’t make me do this, 

No” 

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She took his hand and said 

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“I lost the greatest love of my life ten years ago

And I have loved every day that I have been alive, 

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But I miss him so much, 

I’m ready to be back by his side” 

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.

With tears falling from his face 

He held on because it’s all he knew how to do 

.

.

And  she left this earth so peacefully 

With a node and a whisper 

“Sweet dreams,  baby

.

.

-adieu” 

.

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Late Night Thoughts Of An Anxious Person

Sometimes I feel so stifled 

Frozen 

And unseen 

.

.

I lay awake at night 

Pondering … 

What does it all mean? 

You Will Be Just As Happy As Me

I spoke to her in awe 

In her seasoned age she had no flaws 

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With her lipstick placed 

Her nails bright red 

And her night cap made of lace 

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She regaled  on her love of dance 

her family 

and her lows 

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She sang of all the ways

She loved to  see her grandkids grow 

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I asked her for advice 

Some tips and tricks 

To be just as alive 

.

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She tells me

“Release all the negative people 

That surround you in your life 

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Even at ninety-nine 

Life is too short for negativity 

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Cut them out and I promise 

You will be just as happy as me”

.

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Emergency Room War Zone

As I walk through the threshold 

I am assaulted by the sight 

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The smells pummel through me 

The energy as dark as night 

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Screams heard from every corner 

Howls of despair 

the wailing of fear 

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A man crying over limbs

that should still be there 

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A woman succumbing to the 

Fevers that took her 

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The God made Angels 

Frantically trying to do better 

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.

The Calibanesque  picture before me 

Grotesque 

Mutilated 

Disfigured 

.

.

Is a vision that I would never have been

able to manufacture 

I Hope You Are Dancing In Your Sleep

I ran to him

.

.

“Are you okay?” 

.

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his expression brightened up like the sun 

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“I want to go dancing” 

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He smiles 

.

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And I laugh to join the fun 

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Tomorrow I heard you are no longer speaking 

.

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Your breath was taken from you 

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I hope you are dancing in your sleep 

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And my heart sinks knowing 

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That those were probably the last words 

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You will ever say to me 

I Saw The Way You Looked At Him

I saw the way you looked at him

-Enamored 

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Like he was the one that broke the mould

.

.

you loved him 

With appreciation 

.

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He was Midas 

And you wanted to live surrounded by his gold 

.

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I saw the way he looked at you 

-Enamored 

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He gazed downward upon you 

Like a fragile chick he wanted to nurture 

.

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He fed you

kept you warm

.

.

He nestled you on his lap 

Cursed all the fears away in rapture 

.

.

But he dare not touch you 

He dare not lose you 

Although it broke his heart in every way 

.

.

He hurt himself 

For every moment he wanted you to stay 

.

.

One morning you woke

He fawned over you adoringly 

.

.

You saw that your touch brought mountains 

oceans to rooftops of glory 

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You shunned your own fears 

You kept yourself warm 

.

.

You no longer needed him to keep you safe from the storm 

.

.

You made your own palace 

With walls deep 

And walls strong 

.

.

And you told him 

“I’m sorry

I do not love you anymore” 

Who Are We?

As the stars turn above us, 

Your head upon my chest.

Your skin pressed against mine

Our bodies made to rest

.

.

I lose the line between who we are 

Because 

Who are you ?

And who is she ?

As the stars turn above us 

Is it really important? 

The “who are we?”

.

.

You are the missing piece 

That was unknowingly broken off of my soul 

.

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I was the missing piece 

that made your body whole 

.

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You are the part of me 

That I didn’t know I needed 

.

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I was the part of you 

That you needed to believe in 

.

.

As the stars turn above us 

And we wonder 

“Who are we?” 

.

.

Just know that we are two bodies 

Who are just 

Meant to be 

.

.

She Loved Until She Lost Herself

She loved until she lost herself

She gave until she was empty

She hung on until her fingers bled

And her hourglass was hungry

.

.

She was an inveterate long time lover

each chapter in her life

sewn together neatly between each love

.

.

Never knowing how to say goodbye

Never knowing when enough was enough

.

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It’s Where Your Compass Leads You

You said you dreamt of it once 

.

.

a freckle 

.

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Like a kiss upon her thigh 

.

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It’s where all the roads are traveled 

It’s where your compass leads you 

.

.

It’s where the time goes 

When it flies by 

,

,

It winks at you 

.

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like a LANDMARK 

To lead you home 

.

.

And once you have landed 

It’s a lovely place to rest your head upon 

.

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#FOWC “landmark”

The Bridge Between Our Souls

When our hands touch 

I am awakened 

.

.

Our fingertips 

The bridge between our souls 

.

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Blood flowing

Vibrating with electricity 

.

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Tantalizing 

Brewing ,

A potion that cannot be undone 

.

.

Because I want you more today than yesterday 

And I know I’ll still want you more when the day is done 

.

.

When our lips touch 

A fire ignites within me 

.

.

One that only you  know how to put out

.

.

I am set ablaze 

Willingly 

.

.

How could you ever have any doubt ?

.

.

This body is yours forever 

Because it is mine 

And I put it into your hands 

.

.

To extinguish this fire you set ablaze inside me 

.

.

I am your woman

.

.

you are my man 

.

Where Were You ?

They asked you for help

.

.

With their silent eyes 

They called for you 

In their muted tears 

They screamed for you to see them 

.

.

Where were you, then? 

.

.

Making choices for “their best interests” 

Not caring when they told you

They felt helpless

.

.

I’m sorry children

You had no advocate 

.

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I’m sorry your short life 

Had so much sadness In it 

.

.

Where were you?

When their silent tears 

Flooded the streets

.

.

Sitting in your toasty home 

Cuddled safely beneath the sheets

.

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How Dare You

I have  been through a war 

Bullets flying pass my face 

Tip toeing around the grenades 

.

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I lived through the smoke 

bounded by chains

.

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I have been through it all

Fighting for equality 

Fighting for freedom 

Fighting for life 

.

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I’ve lived through the protests 

I marched for theirs 

Like I would march for mine

.

.

how dare you

The years, the memories, the knowledge

.

.

You knocked me down

 Cracked them out of me 

.

.

I watched from right above you

As my body went limp 

If my brothers from war 

Could have seen what you did 

.

.

Because we lived through the bullets

We tip toed over the grenades 

But all of your hate

is what took me to my grave 

.

.

I Saw The Hate In Your Eyes

I saw the hate in your eyes 

It was clear as day 

.

.

The disregard for a life 

That you will soon take away 

.

.

No cries from the helpless

Found its way into your soul? 

.

.

No tears from the defenseless 

Made you want to make a different call? 

.

.

I saw the hate in your eyes that day 

What disregard you have 

For a life you will soon take away 

.

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We Were Meant For Different Loves

What we meant to each other 

Was something much larger than us 

.

.

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It was hopes 

And dreams 

.

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It was goals 

And love 

.

.

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It was fear 

And disappointment 

.

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It was longing 

It was loss 

.

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I will always remember the way your body felt 

When I rested my head upon your chest 

.

.

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The way your arms wrapped around me 

The way you carried me to bed 

.

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I will remember how your fingertips 

Electrified mine 

looking up at you 

Getting lost in your eyes 

.

.

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I will remember feeling like a piece of me was floating away 

When I had to leave your side 

.

.

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What we meant to each other once 

Was something much more than love 

.

.

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But we were star crossed lovers 

we were cut from different cloths

.

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We were children from different time zones 

meant to be together, we were not 

.

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Our souls were meant for different paths 

And sadly

.

.

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we were meant for different loves 

.

.

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Back To A Time

sifting through a box of old things

Book after book

pamphlet after pamphlet 

treatise on anxiety and depression 

.

.

.

I am brought back to a time 

when our lives were dictated by school bells 

And seating charts 

.

.

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Where one rumor 

Became our entire world 

And one heartbreak 

Was announced through 

The speaker hung walls 

.

.

.

ages ago

An entire world away 

.

.

.

I pack it back up 

to look back at another day 

.

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Weekly prompt @ NSTMP

I Can’t Be Mad At You

I can’t be mad at you

You stole my heart 

You tricked me 

.

.

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I can’t be mad at you 

I walked toward you with a veil over my eyes 

You led me blindly 

You robbed me 

.

.

.

And I let you 

.

.

.

How can I be mad at you ?

.

.

.

.

You thief 

.

.

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Burglar

.

.

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Pirate 

.

.

.

Swindler 

.

.

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You stole my heart 

Right from my chest 

.

.

.

And I liked it

.

.

.

#FOWC “thief”

You Are No Longer Mine

I read somewhere 

That you were no longer mine 

.

.

That you finally opened up your heart 

And honestly, It was about time

.

.

I read somewhere 

That you no longer belonged to me

.

.

That our memories 

Are no longer cherished 

It’s not my heart that holds your key 

.

.

I never expected you to wait forever 

To hide away 

And pine for my love 

.

.

But I read somewhere 

That you are finally  happy and moved on

.

.

My heart paused a little 

It broke for a moment 

As I remembered what we lost 

.

.

But I always knew that our love 

Was gone 

When I walked away

I knew the cost  

That Could Be Me

I saw her scars 

Evidence of a life 

Where great just wasn’t good enough

Where She was always just one nip away from perfect 

One tuck away from perfection 

One stitch away from happiness 

I saw  her eyes of desperation 

As she picked at things I could not see 

Although I was happy to oblige 

I wondered where in her life she was during each scar 

I wondered about the painful recovery 

I wondered about the broken heart 

Or the healed one 

I wondered if she was finally close to happy 

I felt sadness for her

But only because that could be me 

One nip away from happiness 

One tuck away from perfection 

One stitch away from perfect 

My heart broke for her

But only because that could be me

Jenga

I wish I could make it stop 

I do 

It’s like

Playing jenga

Trying to figure out the puzzle

when it was already whole to begin with 

Every piece 

A clue that I must pull out and dissect 

poking holes through my own logic 

Seeing through my own thoughts 

Piling on top of each other 

Creating some form of a reality 

That is just destined to come tumbling down 

I wish I could make it stop 

I do 

The higher the tower grows

Force = mass x acceleration 

The harder the fall

The louder the noise 

Even when I see it tilting 

And I know just how this ends, the scene 

As soon as the bricks hit the ground 

It startles me 

I wish I could make it stop 

I do 

But no matter what I try 

 I lose 

With All My Heart

With all my heart 

I want you in my life forever

I want you there to rock me when I’m sick

I want you there, for me to cradle when you’re lonely. 

I want forever with you

I want always with you

I want your laugh 

And your anxiety 

I have endless questions 

And I want the lengthy answers 

I want you to care too much 

Love too much

Be too much 

I want you to sing

With my head on your shoulders 

Listen to the mockingbirds 

Hunt for treasure chests 

And sing with the dogs 

I want all of it

Forever 

I want it with you

Always 

You Aren’t My Type

You arent my type 

You are bland to my taste buds 

You are too clear 

Too obvious 

Too transparent 

I read you like crystal 

You just aren’t my type 

You, tall glass of refreshment 

Meant to quench my thirst 

Hydrate my dry desert skin 

But I do not trust you 

Or maybe, 

I trust you too much 

Because I know what to expect 

When you are placed before me 

On my table 

Into my hands 

You disgust me 

You, tall drink of water 

You, too good for me 

Necessity for life 

I see right through you 

And you are not my type 

So, This is What it Feels Like…

He looked at me while I spoke 

Eyes burning into my own 

Not an empty gaze 

But strong, with intent 

I knew the words coming from my mouth were nonsense 

The topic, trivial 

Just one of those conversations that

Quite honestly, 

Could have never happened 

And it wouldn’t have changed a thing in the world 

But there he was

Looking into my eyes 

Nodding his head, as if 

I was giving a speech for a Nobel prize 

A feeling was surging through me

This must be what it feels like

When someone is actually listening

2020

When I met you 

Early on 

You filled with me with so much hope 

We dreamt together 

About our future 

About our goals 

Where this life would lead us 

All the paths  we could take

The possibilities endless 

But you turned on me 

Devious 

Maniacal 

Sadistic 

You stole all my desires 

And locked me within my own four walls 

alienated me 

Placed me in solitary confinement 

Watched me squirm in discomfort 

As you sick my biggest fears upon me

A jungle being set loose within my streets 

A buzz so loud 

What sounds like inches from my ear

hoovers 50 ft away

You, maniac

I cannot contain you 

all the vulnerable are dying 

All  the apparent strong,

Are falling to their knees 

When I first met you

You made me feel hopeful 

But you tore through me

Wild and dangerous 

and I stand here speechless 

#FOWC “maniac”

A World Surrounded Her That Was Always Somehow Unreachable

I looked her in the eye 

And I told her how amazing she was

I told her she was beautiful 

I told her she was special 

All she heard was 

Her face lacked angles 

All she felt

was the way her tears fell from her eyes 

At any hint of emotion  

How she always gave more than she got in return 

All she digested was how a world surrounded her 

That was always somehow unreachable 

I felt her heart in her chest

Palpitating 

From the fear and anxiety 

of her reality

I hugged her close

I knew where the hurt stemmed from 

I knew the doubt 

The worst feeling 

Is to be ambivalent about oneself 

To look at yourself in the mirror 

to stare into your own eyes 

and in the same breath

See the queen you are 

And look away in disgust 

#FOWC word of the day “ambivalent”

My Hope Is that You Also Love Me For The Changes I Bring

I hear the “pitter-patter” 

Of the rain outside

Not long ago

The sun 

Stared with an intensity

Of a loyal wife 

Who has laid eyes on her husband 

Being a tad less than that

How labile this world is 

I curse it

But then I see a reflection of myself 

For I am the sun

Who sets smiles upon faces 

Encourages hope

And freedom 

And laughter 

too fierce at times 

For I will burn you

I will make you seek shelter

I will make you want for less 

Tomorrow I will be the rain

Who steals the hope away 

From a better day

Who brings sadness

And grey 

But also 

I will bring the chill 

That leads to cuddles 

I will bring hot chocolate

And fluffy blankets 

I will bring kisses 

And fingers to hug yours 

How labile my emotions tend to be 

Like the world changing

Outside of my window 

As I love the to and fro of the sea

 My hope is that you also love me 

For the changes I bring 

A Few Words I Know I’ll Never Hear

writing prompt from HITRECORD : A Few Things I Needed to Hear… From You

I am sorry that I hated you 

through your innocence 

Every move you made

Irked me to my core 

And I had to make you feel it 

I am sorry 

I am sorry that I made him choose me

When he should have chosen us 

But I made sure that you were never apart 

Of this whole

And I am so sorry 

I did everything I could to break you

Hinder you

Demolish you 

Shrink you 

I was wrong

And I am sorry. 

Soaked In The Salty Air

It smelled of musty air

Saturated in salt

Surrounded by unparalleled darkness

I knew blindly that there was an ocean beside me 

Filled with life  

Housing a world we barely have knowledge of 

I catch a glimpse 

Like a flashlight 

Offering a gift 

The waves crash upon each other 

Beautifully dangerous 

Unabashedly uncaring 

I’m overwhelmed with 

The realization of nature 

It’s strength

It’s determination 

It’s reluctance to be bothered by my presence 

Within the darkness

The ocean, my neighbor

An entire world at my feet

Soaked in the Salty air 

I am energized and fueled by Mother Earth

I am belittled and humbled by her 

And I am thankful 

On Most Days

On most days

She wakes up hours before I do

She jumps on my chest

Searing pain

Breathless 

On most days

I’m too tired to take her to the park

She barks at me 

Begging 

“I’m boooored” 

I can hear her thinking 

On most days 

I know she deserves more 

She looks at me

She tilts her head 

All the leverage she has on me 

She cuddles 

She wants to be loved

And I know I have to be the best me 

So that I can be the best for her

#FOWC word of the day “leverage”

My Fear

I remember what it felt like

To laugh with you

To watch your face turn red 

laughing so hard

You couldn’t breathe

I remember laughing with you 

All my muscles go weak

falling to the floor 

You just got me

Conversations with you

Were like portals into my own mind 

The sincerity of our confidence

and the admission of our insecurities 

We talked for hours 

Laughing so hard

I would cry 

And my fear 

My honest fear 

Is that I will never 

Find a way to laugh 

Like that again

That Much I Know

With so much unknown in the world today

There is an abundance of 

Fear

Sadness

Confusion

With a reality so new to us 

There is an overflowing amount of 

Resistance

Question

Panic 

The FACT of the matter is

despite what anyone says

There is definite 

Loss 

Loss of what life once was

Loss of loved ones 

Loss of stability 

From that, we have so much to

Gain

compassion

Unity

Love 

Out of everything I know right now

It’s that.

#FOWC “fact”

At The End Of a Very Dark Road

How ominous

this random solitary toaster at the end of a very dark road

causing me to hesitate 

Forebodingly 

It stares at me

Daring me 

To come into the darkness 

I cannot look away

I cannot take a step

As if a coyote were in it’s place 

How ominous 

This solitary toaster

Sitting at the end of a very dark road 

In its silence

It haunts me 

Sometimes

Sometimes 

She wants to scream

Scream so loud 

The ghosts from her past 

Hear and cower 

But

All she can do 

Is whisper 

Salty tears into a towel 

Late at night 

Muffling her deafening cries so she doesn’t wake the neighbors 

She shakes from the anger 

She suffocates from the sadness 

Each nostril plugged by the tears she holds back 

She once looked at him so lovingly 

Now she wishes to cause him pain 

Pain

Like the throbbing in her skull 

Pressure 

Like the lies people told her of her future 

She cries into her towel at night sometimes 

Rivers down her cheeks 

Drowning the hopes

Murdering her dreams 

And even as she lays there broken 

He lays beside her, dreaming

Green With Envy

They do not know I see them

I spy on them, green with envy

As I cling on to the ledge

Heavy with the burden  and no ground to land on

All my strength just so that I could see, everything unattainable to me.

Write a story or poem of 5 Lines or Less
Use the picture and/or the word spy as inspiration

Image by alexis parra from Pixabay

I Probably Shouldn’t Say This

She says it’s confidential 

She says it’s confrontational 

I probably shouldn’t say this 

She wouldn’t want me to

But who cares 

She’s filled to the brim with anger 

It is squeezing out of every seam

Orafices 

Dripping

Like an addict

She’s trembling 

What does it all mean? 

She loves with all her heart 

But she hates him with all the heart she has left 

She would give him the world 

But she doesn’t have much of it

Left 

He’s calm 

Collected 

He sleeps with no care in all the land 

She stars at him with daggers for eyes 

And wants to faceplant him onto a mountainside 

She imagines her coffin nails digging deeply into his skin 

To pull out his heart 

If he ever had one in him

She dreams of the pain she would inflict 

As she lobotomized 

Those eyes of his 

Cross-stitched 

crochete needles stabbed in each ear 

The lies he spun

he can finally hear 

I probably shouldn’t say this 

It’s confidential she says 

But the anger she spouts is vibrating 

and the love she feels is sinking

We Are All Just Fireflies

She is a speck 

In a world of almost 8 billion people 

She sees us all like fireflies 

Her light 

Flickering 

Light bulb on the verge of burning out 

Struggling to emanate the bright 

Surrounded by the darkness of the night 

But here she still is , 

GLOWING 

You Thought She Was Your Salvation

She touched your hand 

And your anger faded away

She hugged you 

And you melted 

But like the sun on a nightwalkers skin 

Ashes to ashes 

You died from within

You felt her like the sun

A warmth you hadn’t felt in years 

She embodied hope 

But she also embodied all your fears 

A chain reaction

From fingertip to the tips of your toes

Ashes to ashes 

What you thought was your light 

Was really death at your door

This Fickle Heart Of Mine

The first thing that came to mind 

When reading the word VAULT

Was the inner workings of my heart 

Code to crack 

Difficult to get in

Thick walls 

But nearly indestructible 

My vault of a heart 

Holds all my deepest secrets 

All my memories 

All my pain 

Sometimes it’s 

Stronger than it’s own good 

Barring the storm 

keeping out the insane

This heart of mine 

Can be tricky 

Confusing 

Fickle 

But it loves with the strength 

Of the strongest metal

and once you get in

You are 

Golden 

Word of the day challenge : VAULT

Isn’t It Curious

The universe tends to work in very mysterious ways 

Breadcrumbs 

nudges 

Whispers 

To the right direction 

Sometimes it is the direction we desire 

Sometimes it’s in the direction that breaks your heart 

But it is very curious 

The way that the universe tends to work 

When we ask it

For answers 

#Fandango’s One Word Challenge : CURIOUS

The Thorns On My Salvation

They walk past me with mournful eyes

Shaking their heads in disappointment

“Why do you hold on so tight? 

The thorns piercing your skin? 

Your blood dripping so bright?”

They do not understand

There is no need to die 

Giving them my last breath 

As I lay him down

Tuck him in 

And shower him with light 

I watch him bloom

I watch him grow

And I know 

He is a keeper 

Word of the day challange : keeper

Meanwhile

Every morning

the sun would rise 

Every morning 

That sun rose with pride 

Boasting in his brightness 

Full and larger than life 

He thought to himself 

“Every night, they are saddened with darkness, 

Every morning, they need me to light their way, 

I am what they wait for as their head touches their pillow,

My absence is what they dread as the day passes by” 

As 12 O’clock approaches he inflates to take up as much of the sky as he can

It is not to be egotistical 

He does not shine bright because he thinks he is the center of the universe 

O’ sun 

All he feels is joy 

The assumption that he is all we need to survive 

He doesn’t realize that 

Meanwhile 

As he stands tall 

As he holds strong 

Some of us wilt 

Some of us dry 

Some of us fall beneath the light 

And some of us die

#FOWC : MEANWHILE

A Flowered Crown Upon My Head

Walking along the stoney path

Fingers grazing the brick bridge wall 

I hear her humming 

The most feminine tune 

And I wonder what beauty I might befall 

I peer across

O’ I am so lucky to see 

And angel prancing along the meadow 

But then she stops to look at me 

The heat within me rises 

Feeling caught 

Red handed 

Warm

Like a peeping tom

I am guilty 

an eye 

Gazing 

Upon her storm 

She stands before me gawking 

I prepare for a slap across my cheek 

And then gently she places a flowered crown upon my head 

And curtseys in front of me 

Bewildered

I don’t understand why she stays so kind 

All she does is smile 

What a lucky lucky day this is 

Of mine 

“If She Loves You, She Can be Any Kind Of Tornado She Wants” -Fitz

She barreled through your life

Like a stampede 

She dismantled all your walls 

You fought to keep her out 

But she saw through that facade 

She made you uncomfortable 

She made you question 

She made it hard for you to breathe 

She tore through your life

And  made you want to leave

You opened your eyes 

You metamorphasized 

You broke through

You soared 

She made you never give up 

And She made you want more 

Little Did He Know

He said to me 

“You are being explosive ” 

Little did he know, 

There was a tornado inside me that I was holding back from  being released.

He said to me

“You are teetering on the edge”

Little did he know,

I tip-toed the tight-walk for miles before I got here

He doesn’t know I watched myself demolish this room

Ripped things off the walls

Flipped over every table 

Breaking every breakable thing 

As I sat on this bed engulfed with the fire within me

While sitting in the calm

My Hands Are Your Hands

My hands are your  hands 

In the daintiness that they lay 

In the chubbiness that our fingers sit 

In the thickness that our nails grow

Your hands are my hands 

In the way that you snap your fingers as you dance

And flip your long hair 

And twirl your rings

My hands are your hands 

And it is a beautiful reminder everyday that you are still with me 

When The Anxiety Hits Me

It’s hard to explain really.

It’s a wave of distrust in the people that I love the most.
It’s a moment of suspicion that grew from the seed of the most mundane moment.

Sometimes, it’s the inability to be truly happy.
Sometimes, it’s a sadness that has no reason.

It’s being afraid that one wrong glance can make someone hate you.
It’s worrying that one missed call means that you are no longer loved.

I wish that I could describe it to you in a way that you could read and simultaneously feel, just to understand what a person with anxiety goes through.

Sometimes, behind the silence and the smile, there is an entire hurricane going on inside. At times, it is in the mind. At times, it is in the heart. In the worst moments, it is in both.

It can feel like being short of breath accompanied by the ability to breathe.
It can feel like being tachycardic, but a glance at your heart rate tells you that you are just fine.
It can feel like you are in “fight or flight” mode for hours on end with nothing to fight and nothing to run from.

It can be days of negativity and anger when all you want is to feel love.

I catch glimpses of her sometimes ….. 


The girl behind the anxiety.  


Usually it’s within a candid photograph or mistaken video.


I see her laugh


-minus the  insecurities
-minus the doubt
-minus the worry
-minus the fear 
-minus the overthinking 


And she is beautiful. 


I don’t want you to read this and think… 

Less of me 

Worry for me 

Sadness for me 

Annoyance toward me 

Because the way that I see it…

People that go through this world battling anxiety and still 

-get up every morning 

-want to be the best version of themselves

-have hope for the present and future

-want to spread love and happiness 

-go to work in stressful challenging environments

-encourage and uplift

-LOVE 

Are some of the strongest and most compassionate people that I have ever met.

We go through this world with love and understanding, with empathy and hope.  Even though our moments can be harder to get through than some.  

We can comprehend your hurt, but we can also be your rock, because we have already faced a million thunderstorms within us and we know how to stand strong.  

I guess what I am trying to say, is that I am PROUD of the woman I am.  I am thankful for the  things that have made me become that woman I am today.

But I also catch glimpses of the girl behind the Anxiety sometimes.


AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL 



I Wish I Would Have Jumped Up As Soon As I Remembered

So, it is currently 2:46am where I am at and I’m pretty sure I didn’t get to bed until almost midnight.  I was jarred awake by an apparent nightmare.  As odd as it was, I was simultaneously thinking of the best opening lines to a blog post about said dream.  

These sentences are not it. Lol 

I laid in bed within those first 5 minutes thinking of the way I’d love to write this post and every detail of the nightmare I just had.  I debated getting up to write it.  I thought, “no, it’s too early to get up, I will write it later”.  At that time, I didn’t even know how early it really was.  

The dream itself wasn’t even really upsetting or interesting in any way.  I was just thrown awake so drastically that I felt like I couldn’t go back to sleep.  I have also noticed, I think I am the most productive, writing wise, late at night.  

Anyway, I looked at my phone to see the time, because I was obviously too awake to fall back asleep and I was in shock.  I feel as though I have slept for at LEAST  6 hours.  I couldn’t believe it was only 2-3 hours.  Falling asleep felt like it was so long ago. 

okay…. Dream time: 

I really should of written this as soon as I woke up because now, the details are slipping me and like I said, it wasn’t that insane of a dream in the first place, but here it goes…

My dream’s cast consisted of some of my elementary and high school friends.  People that I hadn’t seen or spoken to in years.  As a matter of fact, over a DECADE.  I guess maybe it was some kind of reunion.  I feel like we were all in some kind of field waiting for something; an announcement, a celebrant.  I go off into a forest or something with my boyfriend and as we are walking,  I disturbed some sort of nest.  I think, I must of killed whatever was in there.  It was a hive of some sort.  We approach a clearing, and I guess, as dreams would have it, there were two folding chairs waiting for us.  My boyfriend sits in one, and I notice the hive mama buzzing around, gunning FOR ME.  

It is basically the equivalent  of a hummingbird sized mosquito.  Or if a hummingbird and a mosquito hybrid existed, this monster was it.  So, it’s buzzing around trying to attack me.  I’m swatting it.  I literally pick up my folding chair and I’m stepping to bat.  I’m not fast enough though because I keep feeling it hit me.  The buzzing of its wings close to my ears, even now, thinking about it, is giving me the chills.  Much to my chagrin, my boyfriend has already sat down and is minding his own business.  So I know that I’ve hit this thing a few times already, but it is relentless and I think I’m getting tired of holding up the folding chair, trying to hit it, trying to dodge it.  I keep feeling it stabbing my neck and hearing the buzzing noise.   BUZZZZZZZZ…..!!!!!!

That is when I jump awake, adrenaline apparently pumping because it is now, 3:14am and I am still awake.  

I should probably go back to bed, since my alarm will go off at 5am.  Goodnight everyone. 

Sincerely,

An introverted dreamer that doesn’t want her madness to be silenced 💋

My Heart Hurts From All the Things I Can’t Do With You Mother

Dear Mother, 

There are so many things that I still wanted to do with you.  We always talked about more dances together.  We have gone out dancing together twice in our lives.  I thought we had so many more late nights left to go.  We joked about loving dancing so much, we would go out, you in your wheelchair, and me with my cane.  I so wanted to do that with you mother.  

My mommy dearest, we had road trips planned that we could sing our hearts out to.  We had vacations in mind.  We had scrapbooks to fill.  We were suppose to find ourselves at some French cafe loving the food but hating the portion size.  We were going to smile and giggle at the cute guys.  We were going to let me practice my one sentence of French that I remembered from High School.  You were going teach me how to truly rock heels like a pro, and get mad at me when I complained about how bad my feet hurt.  

My best friend, we were going to get tattoos together.  We said it so many times.  Even made plans to get one before you left on that airplane, but we never made it.  My heart hurts, mother, because I wanted that experience with you.  

My workout partner, my TAE BO buddy, my Zumba lover.  You were suppose to make it to my favorite Zumba class, I really wanted you to see how amazing he really is.  He’s never going to have that first dance with you mama, and my heart hurts because I really wanted him to have that with you.  

Mommy, I really wanted to pick that dress with you.  I needed you there to tell me I looked beautiful in that one or how horrid that other one was.  Mother, should I wear my hair up? Or my hair down?   Do I wear a veil?   I wanted to see you there, smiling, crying, happy to finally see me walk down that aisle.  Mother, I don’t know how I will make it all the way down that hall without breaking down, I truly don’t.  I can’t see how I will have the strength in that moment in my life.  

My heart hurts from all the things I can’t do with you mother.  There are so many things I still had planned for us.  There were still so many laughs, there were so many songs to sing and beats to dance to.  There were so many chocolates to try, roads to drive, planes to fly.  There were so so many more words to write.  

We still had to pick a grandmother name for you.  Surprise you when you would have a grandchild.  You were suppose to spoil her, you were suppose to comfort him.  

You were suppose to teach me how to cook ….. 

JUST KIDDING 

We were suppose to joke about how much we both suck at cooking.  

Mother, there really were so so many things I had left for us to do together.  It’s hard for me to truly believe that I will never be able to do these things with you.  It is hard to believe that you are not somewhere just writing away or dancing.  I miss you so much mother, you have no idea how much my heart hurts for you.  I love you, my mama. 

May we dance together again one day

With so so so much love, 

Your Daughter, 

Angelique Rose 

Self Love is Where Mirrors Do Not Exist

The funny thing, or not so funny thing,  about our perception of beauty towards others and towards ourselves, is that they are on completely different scales.  I run around all day seeing the beauty in other women.  I hear their insecurities, but think how there is no need for the harsh words they tell themselves.  Only to realize that I am not much nicer to myself.  

It dawned on me recently.  An epiphany , if you will.  That I feel the most beautiful, I love myself the most,  when mirrors are not around to remind me what society expects me to look like.  

Let me try to explain that a little better…. 

In my apartment, I didn’t have a full sized mirror until maybe, last week.  It wasn’t on purpose, I was honestly just too lazy to buy a mirror and when I was out shopping, I just happened to forget to buy one.  In the sanctuary of my own home, with no one else’s judgment upon me and no mirrors to place judgement on myself, I did not feel the burden of my insecurities.  

On top of that, I have a boyfriend that always makes me feel beautiful.  Somehow, I am not sure how he does it, but, he makes me feel like no one else exists, but me.  He makes me feel like I am some model or beauty queen.  With no mirrors around, I begin to have this picture in my mind of what I must look like.  I feel love for myself and pride in my body, in my beauty.  

Sadly, that amount of self love drops a little when we leave home and I’m bombarded with reflections making me feel as though the perception I had of myself was just a dream.  

That is when I got to thinking.  

What is actually making me feel so insecure? 

How can I feel confident one moment, and then so little the next? 

Is it actually me? 

Is my reflection actually giving me feelings of disgust? 

LET ME TELL YOU…. THE ANSWER IS NO.

It is not who you are that makes you feel uncomfortable in your skin.  It is not the placement of your features.  It is not the size of your waist.  

Society…

Social norms…

Generations of the ideal person engrained in others’ minds….

Opinions of others…. 

Judgement … 

These are the things that feed our insecurities.  These are the things that make us think, that freckles were once meant to be disguised and now should be exposed.  These are the things that trick us into thinking natural is beauty but yet, it is better to paint a natural looking beauty on your face than just loving the actual natural beauty that you are.  Social media and the TV convince us that our eyes are too small, our lips are too thin, our hips too slim.  Some want sun kissed, some say stay out of the sun.

We really have to remember that the “ideal beauty” has changed over time, over and over again.  There is no such thing as perfection.  There is no such thing as an ideal look.  

We are all beautiful in every form and we need to love ourselves.  We need to teach our children to love themselves. 

Create goals to be healthy mentally, physically, emotionally, spiritually.  

Not to gauge our self love by the number on the scale, the circumference of our waist or the reflection in the mirror.  

Who says that mirror is accurate anyway ❤ 

Angels Show Up in the Most Random Places

After losing my mom, I was flooded with messages from friends and family sending their love and condolences.  I found myself finding solace in talking about what happened.  In random conversation, I would start to talk about my loss, to anyone close enough to listen.  Coworkers in the break room,  friends on social media, any family that would listen.  I was reminded in these moments how much death is an awkward thing to talk about or more specifically, how awkward it is for others to listen and respond to someone else’s pain.  

I think a lot of people thought it was odd of me to talk about losing my mom so casually.  What they didn’t realize was that it helped me somehow.  It gave me peace to talk about her, even if it was about the day I lost her.  Maybe talking about losing her helped me cope and let the reality of it sink in.  I think maybe I kept replaying that day, and the information I learned to try to create some kind of theory about how and why it all happened.  Like some new clue would make things more clear.  

I don’t blame anyone for the way they dodged my conversation or the way they didn’t understand the hurt I felt from losing my mom.  I, myself, do not know how to react to someone else’s loss.  I often revert to the cliche “sorry for your loss”.  

I don’t think anyone can truly understand this loss I feel, unless they, too, have lost a parent or a child.   It’s a very lonely kind of sadness.  

Anyway…

In all my efforts to find comfort, talking to everyone and everything.  I connected with an Angel.   We met a handful of years ago.  She also lost her mother as well.  Talking to her really was a gift.  She gave me hope, comfort, understanding.  

I didn’t feel alone.

My hurt, wasn’t alone.  

What really shocked me was that, although we knew each other.  Knew of each other.  We never really had a conversation, and suddenly, here I was, talking with her about my deepest loss and she was not phased.  She wasn’t afraid to talk about loss or pain.  She wasn’t afraid to keep replying or forced to change the subject.  I wasn’t afraid to tell her how lonely this sadness was or how I was suddenly overcome with the fear of no afterlife.  

Okay,  story time :

Growing up, my mom always had an affinity for  dreamcatchers.  She had one in her car, she had some in our home.  She gave one to me as a kid.  

When my family and I went to the Philippines for my mom’s funeral, we stopped by the beach that she was at when she began to feel chest pain.  We just wanted some answers I guess, as to what really happened that day.  We were told that she stopped in front of a shop and became unconscious on their front door.  As my aunt and I asked a few questions, she looked up at the store that my mom happened to lay down at.  She was in awe, because the store was covered floor to ceiling in dreamcatchers.  She bought a handful of them for us.  It really just made me feel a little more at peace with what happened.   Like there was a touch of my mom wherever we went and that, no matter how devastated we are about what happened, GOD does things for a reason.  He calls people home when it is their time, and there isn’t really anything that we can do about that.  

I told this story to this unsuspecting Angel and one day, this necklace showed up in my mail.   She didn’t have to send me anything, she didn’t have to do anything for me, her conversation that day was far far enough, but she sent me this and it has reminded me every day that my mom is nearby and at peace.  

Thank you so much to the Angels out there that have such giant hearts.  That care when they don’t have to.  Love those that they don’t even know. 

 Just to bring peace to a broken heart.

I Love That…

I love that I think of you
In the moments that I am the most myself

In the moments that I am the most bare
In the moments that I am just me

You pop into my mind

I love that I think of you
In the moments that I am so passionate

When I sing my heart out
When I dance spontaneously

You pop into my mind

I love that I think of you
When I imagine strength

When I watch movies where a woman kicks ass
When I hear songs of a woman’s worth

I know you are near me

and, I will forever

Love that.

12 Month Challenge

A few months ago, I saw a challenge going around from Rachel Hollis, the author of Girl, Wash Your Face called the “last90days”.  Essentially it was giving us 90 days at the end of the year to create our good habits and break our bad ones before starting the “new year, new me” that we all try to do every time that New Year Ball drops at midnight.  

At the end of last year, I wanted to get a group of my friends and really try to implement some of these healthy habits together.  These friends of mine are strong, independent, amazing women, and I thought how awesome it would be to have some kind of pact together and support one another on these goals.  

I will be honest, on my end, after a few weeks, I didn’t stay on as strong as I should have.  I tried to continually check in with my friends, but I wasn’t keeping the promises I made to myself to be a better version of me.  I wasn’t doing what I needed to do to be happier and healthier.  

One of my friends, blogger of The Mombie Blog, posted recently that she wanted to really try and implement this 90 day challenge into this year and strive for a better year.  I second that 12 month challenge.  

In her post 12 month challenge she mentions Rachel Hollis’s “5tothrive” list  and personalizes it to her own goals.   

I will do the same…….

As of the new year, I have already been waking up earlier to have some time in the morning to myself.  I work really early.  My three days working in the hospital,  I have to be there by 630am.  Most of last year, and probably, let’s be honest, most of my life, I run late.  I sleep late, I snooze my alarm, I keep my eyes closed for as long as possible before I jump out of bed and rush to work.  

So, I really want the time to really relax into my day, drink some coffee, have a light snack, reflect on my goals for the day, and to put some make up on.  

To achieve that, really my goal is to wake up at 430am on the days I work at the hospital.  It is so hard to wake up that early, it truly is.  But I’m really hoping that I can push myself until it becomes a natural thing.  I also work at a laser clinic about twice a week, and I have to be there at 930am.  So, I’ve been setting my alarm for 630am.

Working out for at least 30 min a day.  I have to say that, in the past, I have been so on top of this.  I worked out at least an hour a day, sometimes two, usually more cardio based.  But as of late, since picking up the second job and not having a car anymore, I can’t make it to my favorite class, I haven’t found the motivation yet to force myself after work EVEN THOUGH MY GYM IS WALKING DISTANCE FROM MY APARTMENT.

Okay, I know, I will definitely have to make at least the treadmill for 30 min a goal for every single day.  Tired is not an option.  

Drinking half my weight in oz of water a day is a lot harder than it sounds.  I’m not exactly sure how much I weigh right now because my batteries in my scale are dead and I haven’t bought any to replace them.  Maybe subconsciously, I don’t want to know lol.  

I am going to guess I weigh close to 165, that’s about 80oz of water a day.  I have a 40oz hydro flask, which I LOVE, but I gotta work on finishing 2 of those by the end of the day.  If I’m honest, I have hardly been finishing 20oz.

Give up a food category.  Not too bad, I did it before and saw results pretty quickly.  I will give up carbs.  I love rice, I can practically eat rice with anything, but, I’ve seen the difference it makes when I truly limit my carbs and I can do it again.  I think under 40g a day is the goal.  

At the end of my day, which, with both jobs, I get home around 800pm.  My goal is to be in bed by 11pm, if possible.  That gives me 3 hours to get a work out in, prep my lunch and uniform for the next day, shower and write a little to reflect on my day and gratitude.  

Wake up 2 hours before my shift starts

Work out at least 30 min every day

Drink 80oz of water a day

Give up carbs, at least stay under 40g

List my gratitudes for my day

Whatever your goals are for 2019, if you feel like you failed 2018 or rocked it, go into 2019 with the mindset that you will make a difference. Remind yourself that no one is perfect and effort and intention is really what makes the difference in achieving your goals.

And love yourself, because out of all the things that I have learned in my life thus far, it’s that loving yourself is the first thing that you need to accomplish before you could even dream of being happy. You need to love yourself to be the best version of you for the people you care about.

As Christmas Came and Went, I Really Missed My Mommy

With the hustle and bustle of the holidays, there are so many different things to think about and worry about. Traveling, gifts, money, time, family….. This Christmas my boyfriend and I road tripped five hours to spend time with my family. His sister from New Jersey that he hadn’t seen in thirteen years came with us. We really wanted to show her a good time and to take her around. We were so busy trying to fit in as much as possible in the few days we had.

We had two Christmas dinners. One from my Dad’s family and one from my Mom’s.

On the way to my Mom’s family Christmas Dinner, like a semi just ran me over, I was overwhelmed with the reminder that my last Christmas with my mom was at this house. To the shock of my boyfriend, I couldn’t stop the tears from falling. I remember my mom sitting at the dinner table laughing, I remember taking pictures together and telling stories. I remember being able to cuddle together.

And then there are things I really wish I could remember.

They say that over time, the pain of losing a love one subsides.
Some say, it never does.

For me, I feel like, the realization of losing her has slowly become more apparent. Maybe the initial heartbreak doesn’t feel as sharp, but I get waves of sadness. I will feel anger, confusion, disbelief.

If there is anything that I have learned from this experience, if there is any message that I could pass on to everyone out there reading this, my loved ones, strangers…

Please listen…

There is no anger, grudge, or fight that will matter once that person is gone. I guarantee that once you lose that person, any negative feelings you might have felt will feel like a waste of time, waste of effort, waste of energy, when you could have spent the time in love and happiness.

My mom and I had a really close relationship, she was my best friend, but there were times that we didn’t agree with each other. Reading back through some past poems or diary entries, I was reminded of the times that we may have fought, or the times that I may have felt some type of negative way about her and it is all so pointless.

None of those grudges matter
None of those negative thoughts hold any weight

When the person you love is gone all that will matter is how much you love them, the time that you now know you won’t have with them, the wasted time that you spent thinking that there was always tomorrow.

So, use the time you have together to love each other. Make the time to visit, make the time to call, tell the people you love them when you get the chance.

And appreciate who they are to you.

Sometimes

Sometimes

I look out into the city

And I feel so immensely small

I think about all the stories left

To be told

I think about all the unheard
Teardrops

All the shoulderless cries

I see a husband
Fighting with his wife

I envision a teenager crying in her loneliness

I see a girl
Sitting in the middle of her room
Amidst all the mess

But I also see cuddles before an open fire

I hear whispers

I hear laughter

I look out into the city and

Although my world

Is

MY ENTIRE WORLD

It just really makes me see

That it’s so very little

In the grand scheme of things

Underneath the Billowing Sea

Sitting upon the dock one day
I stared out into the ocean

Deep blue waters
Swelling with each wave

And appeared such a notion

The fear of what is down there
Underneath the billowing sea

The fear of what is buried, deep inside of me

What creatures linger ?
What monsters hide ?

As I cry my tears into the brine

What may jump out as the waves flux in ?
Flux out?

What secrets lie in that sharp-toothed mouth?

As I stare forward into the offing
See the tide rise
And rise

I think about the ways
I am like the ocean
About the deep things
That I hide inside

I think about how the current washes up
The undesirables

And the depth
renders them untouchable

they feed and they grow

yet they lay dormant

undetectable

Sitting upon the dock that day, I feel the waves rock me

to and fro

I wonder what the ocean thinks of me

knowing all I know

Where is this place I want to see ?

Odd that it seems like a place of perfection 

Empty valley 

Like a cave within the ground 

High walls made of grass 

Sun touching every surface 

Except the one place right in the middle 

One tree 

Providing much needed protection from the light

I want to lay there 

I want to lay there all day

With my dog

And a ball

Finally!!! We Win!!!

Finally!!! We Win!!! 

This is a product review as well as a life lesson.

Okay, the reality is,  I live in an older apartment building and after moving in, we realized, that we moved into a place that already heavily populated;  Buggies, Roaches,  Ruthless Survivors.  It is an embarrassing situation to be in, I have to be honest.  It was driving me insane.  We tried everything.  

We tried camphor 

We tried raid

We tried roach motels

We spent a lot of money covering all cracks and holes and painted over it all 

We had a monthly sprayer come in 

We tried diatomaceous earth

NOTHING WORKED 

I was feeling so very defeated 

I was feeling like the only solution left was to abandon ship and move

I was told about this stuff called Advion Cockroach Bait.  I bought it on amazon for about $20. I was skeptical at first, because I had tried something in the same family previously, and it didn’t work.  But I have to give everything a try.  

So, first try.  The gel looked a bit dark.  It is given to you in a syringe looking applicator.  I put it everywhere.  The Gel was a bit ugly to look at once applied.  It dried a dark brown and if you over apply, it drips.  

Anyway, 

This first attempt was a fail, I really didn’t see much improvement.  I didn’t see the miracle that the reviews were spouting.  But I already had a second round on it’s way in the mail.  

The second attempt, was completely different.  I thought 

“Hell, why not” 

This batch looked different.  It was a beige color and seemed a tad thicker.  It dried tan as well, and make sure you put it places where gravity won’t take its toll because once it hardens, it doesn’t necessarily stick as well, and some of my lines of application fell off the corners I placed them in.

Let me tell you…this batch was a miracle worker.  

Just as the reviews stated, the day after I set the bait down, the roaches were eating it and dying.  As gross as this might sound,  it was like a roach graveyard on my floor and any roaches that were still alive, were walking around like they were zombies.  

It has been about a week since I put the bait down and I haven’t seen any live roaches.  Even after the dark and turning on the light, NOTHING.  

I’m sure I will have to periodically continue to lay this bait down, because this must be an apartment wide problem considering the age of the building.  But the fact that they were gone in a week is amazing.  

What this has taught me in life, is that, you may get to the point where you feel fully defeated.  The point where you just want to throw your hands up and say, “fine, you win, I give up” 

You may have contributed to it or it could completely be outside forces that you cannot help. 

But don’t give up. 

Because there will finally be that moment where you triumph over the hardships……

and have a home free of roaches. 

When You Saw The World As Beautiful

When you saw the world as beautiful

then watched it tear right down the seams

Nothing is ever as beautiful

As you hoped for it to be

She Said Your Name Yesterday

She said your name yesterday

I had forgotten about the good days

Four years had already passed

I didn’t think of us much

Memories were filtered by my teeth
As I vented back then
about the days my heart broke

The disgusting taste that was left on my tongue
As I flossed the plaque away

The tears
Salty
hypertension
Carotid artery disease
As the poison clogged
the path in which my blood
Could run

Restricted blood flow

I once couldn’t breathe

then I found happiness
Living in the life
That was void of
You

but
she said you name yesterday

She reminded me of the way
We spent every lazy day

She reminded me of the way
We cuddled on the couch
movie after movie

Of the way you caressed my cheek in the middle of a party
To make sure I knew I was loved

I remembered how you stayed in bed with me until I fell asleep
Even when you had company

You were never afraid to hold my hand

You were proud to call me yours

You were dangerous
and it was good for me

Like comfort food
You were a fireplace
And a warm blanket

But you were lightning
As well as thunder

I didn’t know you would cause my storm

I said your name to her yesterday
I really had forgotten about the good days
And for a moment
She made me forget all about the bad

But you did cause my storm
Your fire burned down my home

And I built my new life
Without you

Sincerely,
An introverted dreamer that doesn’t want her madness to be silenced 💋

This Wasn’t Her First Time

This wasn’t her first time
She knew what she was doing to herself
What she didn’t know was what she was doing to the ones around her

She looked back at a text message
“I can’t do this anymore”
Unrecognizable
She asks
“Did I write this? When?!”

He tells her
“Right before”

He tried to persuade her to eat a little more

“I’m depressed”

She says

He puts her favorite show
She reaches out her hand to feel his skin
He tries so hard to stay reassuring

The way he looks at her while she’s sleeping
The sadness​ in his eyes
Longing for the woman he fell in love with
The wish that he could take her pain away

He loves her so much
She knows she loves him too

Just sometimes

Her depression doesn’t let it matter

Excuse My Crazy

I want to highlight this exceptional woman. She is superwoman. She just started her blog, and every post has been honest and raw. She is a fellow anxiety survivor. She is a mom sharing her journey. She has blown me away and I want you to be able to love and appreciate her as well.

The Mombie Blog

“Ugh, there you go crying again.”

“I’m tired and I don’t care.”

“Leave me alone stop talking to me, I have work in the morning and I don’t wana hear it.”

“Your a cry baby, full of drama, everyone says it, everyone talks about it.”

“There you go again saying crazy stuff that doesn’t make sense”

“IT’S YOUR FAULT YOU DO THIS ON YOUR OWN!”

“I DONT CARE!”

“You choose to argue, you choose to act crazy”

“You just want to pick a fight”

“Ughhhhhh leave me alone and don’t bother texting me tomorrow apologizing”

“You choose to be like this”

“What do you want!”

“Stop yelling and leave me alone”

“Your fine”

“Take your pills”

“Relax”

“Go lay down”

“Go to you mom’s house and cry to your parents”

I’m sorry I don’t know how to unload my anxiety

I’m sorry I want to Express myself so my chest…

View original post 90 more words

It’s OFFICIAL!

I received this message this morning as I woke up and the feeling of constant dread that I have had since taking my NCLEX suddenly faded away. This journey to my RN has been an extremely long one. Not just the prerequisite classes that I was taking in my early twenties, but from the beginning of my RN program to now has been a long road filled with ups and downs.

I moved to Southern California away from anyone that I knew to start my nursing program. It was me and my dog, five hours away from where we had previously been calling home. Small studio, no kitchen. My makeshift kitchen was in a small room that I also installed a closet rod in.  I hadn’t thought about it at the time, but it ended up being a VERY bad idea, considering my clothes now smelled of anything I was cooking. I slept on an air mattress for months and struggled to wash dishes in a bathroom sink. It was a challenge for sure, but I didn’t care. I found a job, I was starting nursing school, I was independent, and I was PROUD of myself.

I thought to myself.

“I AM DOING IT”

At that time in my life, I just left a relationship of seven years. I dropped my mom at the airport to move to the Philippines a couple months prior. I physically had never been more alone. I was heartbroken, I was anxious at a new job, and I was excited/stressed about managing my first semester. BUT

I WAS DOING IT

I was finding a way to wake up every morning and be positive. I was finding a way every day to earn my own trust. To learn what it meant to be truly in charge of my own life and focus on me and my well being. I was happy. I was learning how to live my life.

Fast forward a bit, I went through an eviction, repo, heartbreak, frustration, complications with paperwork and school. I went through sleep deprivation, getting laid off from my first hospital job after almost 2 years.

This year alone, I lost my mom super unexpectedly, had 2 car accidents, had a car stolen .

BUT

This journey also brought me love and friendships, adventures, the triumphs after the struggles.
It brought me a new level of self awareness.

This year alone, I graduated from nursing school, went to my little brothers wedding,

PASSED MY NCLEX

My dreams are slowly but surely becoming reality. My list of goals are being checked off.

DONE … AND DONE!

I want to tell anyone out there that has a dream. No matter the circumstances, no matter the hardships, or the roadblocks… you can do it. You can accomplish it. It may take you longer than expected, things may even feel as though they are getting thrown in your path just to make you fail, but, If you want it bad enough, if you love yourself enough to trust in your dream and put you plan into action, you can do it.

There were times that I felt like, everything was just too much. But then I would think..

“If I don’t continue this path to my giant goal, where I am right now, is the best I am ever going to get. This day that I am having RIGHT NOW is going to be the same day I will have for the rest of my life. NO… I don’t want to live this struggle forever.. and that is exactly what I will have to do if I give up”

If your goal is to not work your 9-5 and be your own boss
If your goal is to find a job you love with the talents that GOD has blessed you with
If your goal is to spend more time at home with your family, not missing your daughter’s school play because you had to work overtime

All you have to do is to put that plan in action and ask yourself….

“This feeling of being unhappy, being not content with life, is this the way I am willing to feel for the rest of my life?”

If the answer is NO

Then move your butt and put your plan in action.

A lot of people that I have met, when I tell them that I moved from Northern California alone to LA for school, have said…

“You are so brave”
“You are so strong”
“You have guts”

It means the world to me. But to be honest, being afraid was never a thought that crossed my mind. Needing to feel fear was never in the vicinity of my thought process for this particular decision because it is what I needed to do.

Goal : be a nurse

Step 1. GET INTO NURSING SCHOOL

I did

Step 2. Go to nursing school

Ok

There was no “ifs ands or buts” about any of it. So when I say go for it. Because you can do it…. I truly mean… GO FOR IT

Passing this test has meant a lot to me. It means that all the hard work I put in, all the struggles were worth it. But it is also all very bittersweet. My mom was suppose to be here to see me pass this test. I want anything in the world to be able to call her and tell her that I passed. I want to hear her scream on the other end of the phone and laugh and tell me “congrats babygirl”. I want so much to hear her say that she’s coming home and that we will celebrate.

I know that she’s around me, that she’s proud of me, that she is just as excited as I am, I just wish I could hug her and hold her hand.

I want to thank my mom, for always and forever being my cheerleader. Through all of my life decisions she had her opinion. But she also had my back. She was always the first to say she loved me and the first to tell me she was proud of me. She never skipped a beat to uplift me as a child, tell me how smart I was and that I could be anything I put my mind to. She taught me to dream and to love and all I can say is Thank you for everything. I love you.

I want to thank the rest of my family as well, my dad, my aunts and uncles, my siblings, my boyfriend. For being there for me when times were tough. For having the faith in me, that I could accomplish big things, for loving me unconditionally, even when I made decisions that made them shake their heads. I am a better person because I have all of you in my life. I can’t wait to celebrate this WIN with you. I love you all.

Countdown To The NCLEX

For those of you that don’t know what the NCLEX is, it is a giant test that stands between you and your dream of being a nurse.  It is a test to verify that you have enough knowledge in that pretty little noggin’ of yours to provide safe and quality care to your patients.  It is a test that is the real finish line in the race you started when you began nursing school.  And it’s a hard one.  Your test can be 75 questions long, or it can be over 200 questions long, all depending on how well you are answering them.  You will get questions that give you 5 right answers, you just have to pick the best one and hope that the right answer you picked is the right answer for the test.  It is a $500 test that, if you do not pass, you have to wait 3 months before you can take it again.  It is scary.

So my test is scheduled for October 18th, and a couple of months ago, I was fine, confident.  I wasn’t worried.  Life had thrown me plenty curveballs already this year, and I thought, “all I have left to do to get myself out of this hole, is to pass this test”.

And then came my fender bender, a week later, a car stolen that we had to pay $600 dollars to get out of a tow yard even though it was missing tires, seats, steering wheel, etc.  Now, a month later and we have another accident.

This year, my friends, besides the fact that I graduated nursing school and was able to see my little brother get married, has quite possibly been one of the most stressful and depressing years of my life.  So much of me wishes that I could just pause life for a moment and take a breath.  But life doesn’t work that way.  Here I am,  tonight, sick, 2 days of studying lost because of whatever bug I’m battling, 1000 more questions of studying that I need to do and more because I am not confident I will pass yet, receiving breaking news that our only car was rendered useless.  I am not sure how I will get to work on Thursday.  It is just too much.  But I have to get it done.

I literally have 8 days left to study and 3 of those are work days.  I feel like I should move my test maybe.  But maybe I shouldn’t.  I don’t know.

Anyway, I’m writing because I am overwhelmed.

I wanted to semi document my journey through nursing school, but I never did.  I wanted to document my journey for this NCLEX, but I don’t know what to say really.

Okay, here is what I have to say.

In real time, real feelings, honesty,
A month ago, I had a long list on my to-do list.  After graduation, I just wanted to accomplish it all.  I wanted to stay strong with water intake, daily workouts, eating right.  I wanted to meal prep, and cook, and lose weight.  I wanted to study for my test and pass.  I wanted to start writing more.

But it felt like I was failing at EVERYTHING

There was so much on my plate that everything was dying.  What is that phrase? About spreading yourself too thin, or watering too many plants that you don’t give one enough water to survive?

Whatever

You get my point

I decided a few weeks ago that I had to drop every other goal for now so that I could focus on my exam.  My anxiety was getting heightened and the overloaded plate was making my panic attacks come back.  So I decided “F the eating right, F the weight gain, F the workouts” I need to study and only study until this test is behind me.

Viola!

Weight lifted off my shoulders.  Granted, I’m gaining weight, my skin is a mess, my apartment, I can’t see the floor of.

But I’m happier and no more panic attacks.

Still stressed out,  still worried about not passing this test. But at least I’m not spontaneously crying anymore.

For anyone reading this, for anyone with a list of goals, for anyone with anxiety.

Sometimes, you feel like you have to be superwoman.  Sometimes, you feel like you have to be perfect; the perfect girlfriend, the perfect employee, the perfect housemate, perfect woman.  You want that perfect body and perfect skin.

But sometimes, you have to be okay with not being perfect.  You have to be okay with saying it’s too much and you have to live within imperfection for a while.  You have to let yourself breathe and take care of yourself.

When I told some people that I was going to throw everything out of the window and just focus on studying, most of my feedback, was “why?! You can do it, you can eat right, and work out, and study, and come to work, just do __, __, and ___” and it made me think for a moment, maybe I am taking an easy road out, maybe I am being lazy…..NO

I saw what it was doing to me, trying to be perfect.  Trying to accomplish it all at once.  I am not abandoning all my goals.  I am just pausing some while I focus on one.

The point that I am now trying to make, is that no one knows what you are going through but yourself.  You know what you need, you know how you feel, you know what you can handle.  Don’t let other people push you into running yourself into the ground.

Love yourself, take care of yourself, it is okay to live in imperfection.

Sincerely,

An introverted dreamer that doesn’t want her madness to be silenced 💋

 

P.S. Picture is of my life beside me because I needed theraflu all day, comfort, and hydration.  Not healthy, I know, but I’m sick, don’t judge me.

My Heart In Pieces

How do I feel whole

When my heart is scattered?

 

Scattered along the paths I’ve walked

 

Like breadcrumbs to remind me of my journey

 

I can look behind me

And see the pieces of my heart

 

The pieces that are too far to see

I can feel

 

Like a sonar when I close my eyes

Like blips on a radar

 

Yes

 

He is my heart

He is my home

He is my future

He sits within the walls of my chest

And he beats with synchronicity

 

But

 

Pieces of my heart are oversees

Pieces of me that I know I need

I live each day without them near

But these women are forever a part of me

 

And the 5 pieces of me

Cut from some of the same cloth

 

Like a quilt

Different parts

but beautiful

if only

We were given the chance

To stitch a stitch

And bridge the gap

but

We are still pieces

 

Scraps

 

And she

 

Love at first sight

I could say

 

From kinder

To always love from afar

 

Months without speaking

But words full

of every day that wasn’t spoken

 

And you,

Forever

Will be my other half

Getting me through my teenage years

 

5 pieces of your own

Cut from your cloth

 

How much I yearn to be a part of your journey

How much I wish I was a part

Of their world

 

But as it is,

Distance is against us

Time is before us

 

But there will always be

a you and me

 

And her

We do not speak now

But she was

my knowledge and my strength

 

As much as I was self aware before

She made me look inward and reflect

she has made me grow

 

I am a better woman now because of her

I am a better partner

I am a better friend

And I am a better person to myself

 

She might not know that she holds a piece of my heart

Even when I talked to her every day

 

But my life would not have been the same without her

I’ve grown in every way

 

Last but not least and definitely not all

 

She is almost my mirror

The same heart

The same loyalty

 

A ride or die

My one and only

 

Bestie on the dance floor

Partner in crime

 

If you were beside me

I know that you would

 

Rock every adventure, unquestioningly

 

As I live my life

On the road to my future

All these pieces of my heart

 

I feel them

Blips on my radar

 

A magnet in my gut

 

Pulling

 

Because I want you all near me

 

I wonder where life will take us all

I guess

Wait and see

 

❤ ❤ I hope you all know who you are ❤ ❤

John Doe

He looks at me
But he does not see me
He sees through me
But not to my soul

his eyes
Dark
Black
Lost

They dart from corner to corner
Not sure of where he is
Not sure of who he is

They pass judgment on you and I am so sorry
They tell me you are homeless
They tell my you are a drunk
They tell me that you are alone

I want to tell you that you are not alone
Do not be afraid
I will fight to know who you are
I will fight for the family that may be looking for you
I will search for the kids you may have
I will look for you inside your lost mind

You may not have a home
You may be a drunk

But I will fight forever to know your story
I will look forever for your truth
You are a human being
With a soul
And a heart
Even if you do not know
who you are

Do Not Let That Monster Out

I wonder sometimes

How you smile throughout the day

As you live in your façade

Preaching for others to live their life

As you flaunt yours

But

Do not forget that I know

What lies beneath your skin

I know the creature being held back

By your dental veneer jail cell

The beautiful smile you flash

As that jaw is clenched

“do not let that monster out”

You tell yourself

But

Don’t forget

I know what lies within your heart

Your favorite paintings

Are those where your eyes are shut

Because you cannot stand to see the reflection

Of your soul

Seeping through the canvas

The fear of the realization of your dark heart

Frightens you

Because

Who are you?

If you are not caring

If you are not selfless

If your heart has not been touched by darkness

But

Don’t forget

I know what you are capable of

And if I were you

I wouldn’t want to look at my reflection

Either

All Of A Sudden I Hear Your Voice

Flipping through the stationary pictures
Smelling the dress you left behind
Reading the words you left on paper
Collecting the scraps of what is left of you

All of a sudden I hear your voice
Radiating from the pinpoint speakers of my phone

I hear your laughter

I hear you giggle

Tears streamed from my eyes

But I must say

It was such a

Treat

 

Fandago’s One Word Challenge

#FOWC

#Treat

 

He Is My Full Moon, He shines Bright For Me

“Masochist!”

you scream

It’s the only definition you could think of

For the reason she stays there,

Unmoved

“Must be some kind of pleasure she gets”

You think,

“to be teased as she does”

You watch her

Looking up at the dreams she has built

Heart growing with each pump

Practically glowing from her chest

As she awaits the arrival

Only to watch it be torn from the sky

You see her

Not a flinch

But silently

You gasp in horror

As she crouches on all fours

Bones cracking

Skin ripping

You watch

As she howls at the moon

“all you have to do is walk away”

You say

“the sun will never stop being torn away every night,
The moon will not ever stop being full at least once”

You claim

“this cycle will never change!
Please”

You say

“just walk away”

She looks at you

Tears in her eyes

Dampening the soul

She shed

Sprawled out on the floor

“but he is my full moon”

She whimpers

“he shines bright for me”

She whispers

“he makes me feel alive”

She cries

With all hope gone

You hide your face to say

“masochist…
Just walk away”

Pit In My Stomach, Where It Seems My Heart Has found a New Home

Those moments reappear

at times
the most unexpected

-Driving

-Singing

Like being hit by a semi

Heart drops

Tear drops

Pit in my stomach
Where it seems my heart
Has found a new home

She likes to find herself
On this trampoline

That feeling

Flying

And the loss of ground while falling

Up

Down

Up

Down

Each time breaking

Little tears

Mini scars

Myocarditis

Heart failure

Working so hard

Just to feel alive

Just to feel

Loved

What I Really Wish, Is To Have You

Finally unpacking my life from April

 

Going through the nik-naks

 

Smelling your favorite dress

 

With no hint of you left on it

 

Just the aroma of packing boxes

 

Hint of dust

 

Filtering among the cherished

 

And the heartbroken

 

Pictures that I saw the day we laid you to rest

 

Evidence that you loved us all so much more than we knew

 

Undeniable proof that you longed for us the same way

 

We longed for you

 

I hold each piece of your jewelry

 

As if

 

Somehow

 

If I could just gather them all

 

I could put you back together again

 

The necklace you wore the day you left us

 

The matching ring

 

The turquoise

 

The gold

 

The hearts

 

The stones

 

Holding each piece

 

Like each piece holds a piece of your soul

 

Maybe if I could just soak all of it in

 

I could have you back in my life

 

An old fashioned camera

 

Rolls of film

 

How I long for each roll

 

To fill me with memories I never had

 

Memories of your life that I never got to see lived

 

There is nothing more that I wish

 

Than to feel connected to you

 

Wishing I could wear every piece of jewelry at once

 

Wishing I could see life through your eyes

 

Read all the words that were written

 

As you bore your soul

 

All I have left are your pieces

 

Your pages

 

And what I really wish

 

Is to have you

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

She Told Me To Love Myself For Who I Am

I dreamt of my mom for the first time last night since the news of her death in April.

 

The thing is, we have both always believed in the afterlife.  Despite what we believed in as far as religion was concerned, we both very strongly believed that our bodies had a soul, a spirit, a life force, and that, after death we would be just as much alive as a spirit as we were in a physical body.

 

When my mom died, so unexpectedly, I held on to that belief.  I thought to myself, “she was my best friend, nobody knew me down to the depths of my soul like she did and no one knew her as much as I did.  If she came to visit me after death, I would know.  If she wanted me to know something, she would find a way to tell me.  If she wanted to be near me, I would feel her.  There is no possible way that her spirit could be near me without me knowing.”

 

And then…

 

A week passed by and I didn’t know what I was supposed to feel, but I didn’t feel her.  I didn’t smell her perfume, I didn’t become overwhelmed with her emotions, I didn’t dream of her, I didn’t get goosebumps, or feel her near me.

 

I found ways to rationalize it to myself.  “Maybe she has unfinished business elsewhere?  Maybe she is angry with someone and is wreaking havoc there?  Maybe she is in some type of transition?”

 

It all might seem silly to someone else reading this.  It might seem completely insane to someone who doesn’t believe in the afterlife.  But, I had to have a reason….

 

“I would know if she was near me, why haven’t I felt her near me?”

 

You hear throughout life, from other people who have experienced loss, that they feel their loved one around them all the time, that they feel them like an embrace from the surrounding air.  They say they feel their loved one walking beside them throughout life and during all their important experiences.

 

“where is she then? Where is this unquestionable feeling?”

 

I spent over a week in a room with her casket.  Everyday, all day, beside her, and I spoke to her.  I searched for her.  Any sign of her.  I was grasping at straws.

 

My mom was an extremely strong woman, filled with fire, energy, and a love for life.

IMG_0826

I thought, if anyone were to be a spirit and want to make her presence known, it would be her.  She would find the strength to knock a cup down, she would.

 

Through all of this, I experienced the normal stages of grief.  Over and over in short cycles.

 

Mostly

DENIAL……ANGER…DEPRESSION… ACCEPTANCE

 

Waves of cycles

 

I began to become overwhelmed with this sadness and fear.

 

“What if I don’t feel her, because, there is no afterlife?  What if, when you die, you are just gone, life is over, there is no checking in on loved ones, there is nothing but -dark-empty-nothing?”

 

I didn’t want that for her, I can’t rely on the belief that there is nothing after death.

 

Well, two months later

 

I dreamt of my mom for the first time since she died.

 

I can’t say one way or another what any of that means.  I can’t say it’s her visiting me, I can’t say it’s anything more than my brain thinking of her while I’m asleep.  I can’t even say that I feel her around me.

 

But…

 

For my own grieving process.

For my own closure.

For my own ability to find peace in losing her.

 

She sent me a message that night.

 

She told me to love myself for who I am.

She told me to take the insecurities and F*** them all.

She told me to enjoy my life and be happy in the body I’m in.

She told me to stop stressing over the little things in life that don’t matter

She told me to always remember the memories, but to walk over the burnt down and broken, and move forward.

 

I can’t be mad at her for that

 

Forgive me

Forgive me LORD

I do not think I have truly prayed to you

Since the day that you took her home

 

It is not for lack of love

It is not for lack of want

It is not for gain of hatred

It is not for gain of loss

 

Maybe I am not ready yet

For the floods to pour in

 

Maybe I am breathless

For the gasp of surprise has taken me

Hostage

 

Maybe I am at a loss for words

Because the disbelief has me gawking

 

I want you to know LORD

I still trust in this path you have laid out for me

I trust that everything you have done

Is never without reason

 

You LORD

Have my heart in your hands

And I believe you will

Mend me

Guide me

Heal me

 

But

 

Forgive me LORD

 

I know that I have not prayed since

The day she flew home to sit by your side

 

I know you have seen me try

But they were prayers of the skin and not the heart

 

I think

I am a little lost right now LORD

I am a little broken

But I love you

And I trust you

To make me whole again

It was Beautiful when you played it out in my head

Maybe I’ll take a page out of your story mother

It was beautiful when you played it out in my head

 

Green backdrop

Sun shining

The smell of pine

Or maybe forest

The smell of bark

Aroma of nature

Because you were a wild woman

That wanted to be set free

 

Surrounded by only those you loved

Because who would travel out to the middle of nowhere

Except for the ones that loved you just as hard

 

Your dress

Flowing and crimson red

Because you were not the delicate white flower

That these occasions paint people to be

You were fire

Ignited by your love for life

Fueled by your love for laughter

You glowed bright

Because the last thing you ever wanted

Was to fade into the crowd

 

Diamonds embedded in white gold

Laid upon a bed of moss

Because satin pillows were too fragile

For the way you planned on spending your nights

 

I know you mother

You would of walked that path solo

To the man who held your heart

As we all gazed upon your beauty

 

But I, mother

I didn’t want to walk that isle lonely

I am not sure how I will face that day

I will be filled with happiness and love

But I will also be broken

How can I hand this man my heart?

He will feel the deception

He will feel it light

For it lost its fullness

When I lost you

 

How mother?

How will I have the strength

To put on that dress

The strength you had in crimson red

I will crack in eggshell white

 

How will I hear the echo of the song?

The song of a story that is about to begin

When all I will hear is a reminder

Of when the echo of your laughter

ceased to exist

 

I will imagine you there, mother

I will save you a seat

I will hold your hand

I will save you a dance, mother

Because that is all I can do

That’s all that I can

 

I will wear crimson upon my chest

To give me your strength

 

I will place the rainforest upon

My table tops to represent

Freedom

To represent

Life

 

I will surround myself with the people

I love

and the people that love me just as hard

 

I will fill my life with laughter

Because that is the only way I will be able

To keep you alive in my life

 

I will try not to taint every happy moment

with the sadness of my loss

 

I will try not to grey out every sunshine

With the rainclouds of my tears

 

But I don’t think my future chapters

Will ever be as bright, mother

I don’t think my story will ever be As beautiful

as the story you painted me

Because every chapter I write

from Now on

will be void of your presence

Will be void of you voice

Will be void of your smile

Will be void of a giant piece of me

 

 

 

 

 

 

Life will not stop for a life lost

In one phone call, my world came colliding down

“she will miss you” – he said

As a crackle in his voice slipped through the telephone waves

Thousands of miles away

That heartbreak only took a millisecond to deliver

Even at that moment

I felt emptiness

Yet disbelief

There is no way that the fire in her has been distinguished

There is no way that the light in her had gone dark

With closed eyes

And a deep inhale

I cannot explain what I feel inside

The closest person to me is no longer existent on this earth

My best friend is no longer just a phone call away

The only person that made me laugh from my gut is gone

She was the one and

only one

It’s preposterous the way one’s world completely gets turned inside out

Like the universe just reached in and

pulled my last laughter right from my mouth

It’s insane how my world just took a standstill

But nothing around me stopped moving

Life will not stop for a life lost

The world does not stop turning just because mine toppled from its axis

Other people still need me

although I have not much to give

My future calls me

Although all I want is some time to breathe

Responsibilities demand me

Despite the fact that my brain wishes all too much

Just not to think

I still cannot fathom that you are not just spending your days

On the other side of the world

Awake while I slumber

I cannot understand

That I will no longer see you online

And write you just to bother

I will miss the

“hey baby”

To my

“hey mama”

I do not know how to say “goodbye”

Mother

Because the world keeps spinning for me to move forward

But my heart keeps reminding me

That you are no longer moving forward with me

The sight that my eyes behold

A picture
Does not give justice
To what the eyes can see

The sparkles of the life below
The blackness of the sea

Each lantern
A life that I could never know

The sun set sky
Vast in darkness
Allowing the life of night
Glow

I want to capture this beauty
Show you
Somehow explain

But this lens does not compare
No picture within its frame

the peace that I feel
The sight that my eyes behold

Will sit in a space within my heart
That no one else will ever know

He makes me feel beautiful

Its funny the way he treats me like treasure

 

As if

he is blown away that I am even in his possession

 

As if

Someone might try and steal me away at any moment

 

As if

I may be made of gold

 

He jokes

As if I fight away wolves on a daily

 

He acts as if I am the most beautiful woman

On this planet

 

He treats me

Like I am something so exquisitely rare and special

 

And every time

It boggles me

 

If only I could see myself through his eyes

 

If only I could feel what he feels when he touches me

 

If only my reflection

Was a mirror through his thoughts

 

Because I do not see what he sees in me

 

I do not know what he cherishes so dearly

 

But every time he calls me beautiful

A small chip on my shoulder is filled

 

Every time he tells he loves me exactly how I am

A small scratch is buffed out of my veneer

 

He doesn’t realize how beautiful he makes me feel

 

He doesn’t know that through his eyes

He saves me every day

 

And one day

I hope my own eyes will do the same

 

 

Birthday Cake

I know it was just an

Ice cream cake

 

But it really was so much more

 

It was the evisceration of all the sadness

Spanning two failed relationships sitting within my gut

 

It was the eradication of ten years worth of broken promises

 

It was the first heartbeat that knew that it was heard

 

It was just an ice cream cake

 

It was calories

 

And chocolate

 

It was just dessert  that said “happy birthday”

 

But to me

 

It was a sign that said

 

You cared when no one else would

 

It said you listened

 

When everyone else heard none

 

It said SELFLESSNESS

 

Because I knew you would never have a bite

 

It said that even though you wanted to give me more

You thought of me

 

It wasn’t until my 30th birthday

That I thought to myself

 

I am finally with a man that sincerely

loves me

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

somewhere deep inside of me

Somewhere deep inside of me

There is a glimmer of hope

A spark of life

An anchor

Keeping me grounded

Just to you

 

Somewhere deep inside of me

Under years of confusion

Beneath the rubble of many long fought wars

Buried within the ashes of the reborn phoenix

As it bursts into flames and is reborn again and again

 

Somewhere in this body of mine

Lost among the towers of memories

The emotions that I hoard

There is a tether

 

Constructed of diamonds

Embedded in titanium

 

Followed all the way to the end

And it is you

 

But how

How can I breathe

When I am saturated full with my tears

Dehydrated from the loss of my efforts

And drowning from my lungs brimming

With the need to scream

 

How will we survive

When the lack of windows

And my boiling blood

Create an atmosphere so dense

Most times we are so blinded

We cannot see

 

How will we push forward when beneath all the garbage

Mold is growing, overwhelmingly so

We are silently poisoning ourselves

We will one day be so nauseatingly sick

The sight of each other will undoubtedly

Bring us straight to our knees

 

Please

Explain to me

 

We can either

Suffocate within the flames

Drag each other down

 

We can spend a lifetime

Trying to find our way

Untying our knots

Tripping over the piles of bad dreams

Search for all the keys to unlock all the locks

 

Scrambling to find the exit sign on different ends of this room

Stomping on top of  each other as we fight to find our  way there

 

Or

 

We can box up the nightmares

Send them off to, who cares where

Sweep up the ashes

Into urns

Place them on mantles

To remind us that we have been through it all

And yet we are still here

Fighting

Not just to survive

But to survive  together

Each urn

A decorated trophy

We have been through the worst

Yet this tether has shown no wear

 

We can pack up the memories

Store them in a place not to be forgotten

But to be forgiven

Because without them, who would we be,

Anyway?

 

We can give a good scrub

Buff the scars off of the floors

Wax the tile

So we can continue dancing

Without the friction of our history

Slowing us down

 

Because underneath all

The Bullshit

You are exactly who I want to call home

 

 

Goodbye : In One Word, a Whole Life is Erased

in a state of limbo

during a time when I experienced the most change

picking up my entire life for a new one

Molding me into a robot

working toward growth and improvement

yet stagnant in life

not wanting to let go

because letting go means

goodbye

Because in one word, a whole life is erased

As if the last 6 years of my life meant nothing

as if the fights didn’t make us better and stronger people

as if the make ups didn’t mean we were so perfect for each other

like the children we acquired together

were no longer mine to love

saying goodbye

means

that the tears I cried into beach towels and tee shirts were washed away and dried at the laundry mat

ironed out 

every wrinkle and crease in my life

straightened out

with no hint of what was once there

the bleach from the laundry mat

the aroma

so pungent

the smell of

goodbye

it burns my nostrils

it stings my eyes

yet I stand there 

watching my life turn round and round

like the clothes in the washer

encompassed in the bubbles

and when that light turns on

“ready for bleach”

I pour in that goodbye

slowly

reminiscently

watching every stain I’ve obtained

wash away

like the 6 years I have spent with you

dissipating into the bubbles

as I fold my clothes 
carefully

I think

this is what I am going to wear tomorrow

a new day

a new life

stepping out of

limbo

What is it that haunts you, boy?

What is it that haunts you, boy ?

The acid that you spit from between your teeth

The venom you conjure within your bowels

Created by the hatred that you boil within

Waiting for your top to explode

What is it that is paining you, boy?

I see between the hateful words that you spew

I see beneath the anti-Semitism

I see that under all the hate you have for her

You want her love

Maybe her approval

What happened along the way

That made her lose you?

What happened along the way

To make you think that flying was the only way out?

At 12 years old, how could you think that your only option

Was to take away choice?

I watch you throw your belongings

I watch as you break your only valuables

I listen as you joke about how little life means to you

About how your dying body is a body that you have no intention

Of saving

Nothing I say will make a difference now

I see that all I say is not even heard

But I hope one day, boy

You find all the answers that you need

I hope that one day your heart is filled with love

And you could show the world that the hurt does not

Control you

Uncompromising

via The Daily Post: Uncompromising

You

Faceless joker

Hooded creature

You

Core laugher

Ice cold hugger

You

Uncompromising dealer

Indian giver

I said I want to make you a deal

Give her more time

You can have mine

Do not walk away from me

Eyeless sockets

Do not look away from my glare

You are not free from handicap

I see you do not glide like history portrays you

The scythe you carry

Brings fear to those

whose clock chimes

It’s time to meet you

I see

It is not a weapon

It is your aid

You are not free from decline and decay

You

Faceless joker

It is not a joke to me

Deal I said

Just compromise

I beg you

Don’t take her from me

You

Hooded creature

Heartless monster

Uncompromising dealer

I said

I want to make a deal

Fact

Fact : daily word prompt

You awoken the fire inside of me – FACT

 

You lifted me higher than I had ever been – FACT

 

I had never felt more beautiful than when I was in your arms – FACT

 

And yet

 

You broke me – FACT

 

You didn’t just not catch me when I fell

You dropped me – FACT

 

You reminded me that I was fire

And then made me feel as though

That fire just wasn’t enough – FACT

 

But amidst the flames

The soot

The smoke

 

I was reborn – FACT

 

And I love the person you reminded me that I am

 

—- FACT

Goodbye

I hear the crack in her voice when she calls

The happiness to hear me speak

And the instant regret that I answered

Because she will never see me again

 

She rushes off to say “I love you”

And hangs up the phone

 

I am already in tears by the time I say hello

 

My love for you spans oceans

And I am not ready for a goodbye

 

There will never be a right scenario

There will never be a perfect moment

 

I will never be okay

To having a sunrise without you on this earth

Saying goodbye with your hand in mine

Singing goodbye across the seas

 

Goodbye is a song that will never be okay

With me

 

We hardly speak now

For as I am rising

You are deep in dreams

 

The last time we saw each other

I did not want to pry you from my grasp

Yet we both stood strong

 

“goodbye”

 

As I hugged you

As I waved

As I looked on

 

Cars drifting apart

Distance

 

As you flew farther and farther from me

My heart pulled like a magnet

I wanted you back

Knots in my throat

 

Please don’t let that be the last time

I am not ready to say goodbye

 

I hope that you know how deeply your blood runs through my veins

I hope you know, that you are the one person I love the most

 

My heart swells because of the love that you have given me throughout my lifetime

 

Every kiss you planted on my forehead

Every time you wrapped me and coddled me when I was sick

 

Trips to the library, while you listened to me read to you

 

You are the definition of what my heart is filled with

And I will not know how not to cry

When you are gone

 

Please don’t tell me that was our last

Goodbye

 

Because I need you here

Every morning

To say

 

“Hello”

Puzzled – one word prompt

I watch him

As he leaves you Puzzled

When together

I glare with a little envy

The way he caresses your face

The way he holds your hand

Appearing as though he is the luckiest man in the world

Kisses as though he needs you

Guides you as though he wants to protect you from harm

But the spin of the earth around the sun

And he transforms

Like a werewolf on a full moon

His voice

Bellowing

Sharp as knives to hurt you

Spits like daggers

Piercing words to break your heart

Speaks as though he’s okay with a life without you

It doesn’t matter if he sleeps alone

He doesn’t care who hurts you

His puzzled heart loves

No one

The chaos calms me

An introvert in all aspects

But a fire in my heart

I love to sit within the madness

Watch in utter calmness

All the while

A storm brews around me

Chaos within all four corners

Hectic vibrations

And some how

It creates a tunnel for me to focus

Like the noise forms a bubble in which I am able to

Hear my own thoughts

But filter what I need

Silence is deafening

Too much space to let my thoughts run wild

Too many paths for my imagination to run rampant

Too much quiet for my mind to absorb

My calm is within the chaos

My safety is within the lack of silence

My happiness

Is feeling the world around me

More than feeling the emotions within myself

All I Ask

All I ask

Is that when I am in my darkest hour

You remain my light

When I have no words

For what aches inside me

And tears fall without reason

Don’t turn to anger

Don’t question my love for you

My love for you does not wane

But All I ask

Is that when I am frozen in silence

Know there is a hurricane inside me

When my hands are clasped

As though I’d like to strangle my fingertips

Please help them breathe

Hold them gently

Cradle them warmly

For I do not mean them any harm

When you see that I am not breathing

Holding my breath

Staring out into nowhere

Just know

My mind is racing through a thousand different thoughts per minute

That one thought snowballs into more thoughts and bigger thoughts to giant ideas

Spinning so fast

Playing pictures in my mind

Scenarios that may never exist

All I ask

Is for you to slow me down

Bring me back to reality

Find a way into my eyes

Bring me back to a standstill

Because when I am lost in darkness

When I sit as though my smile has run away from me

I will need you to remind me

That I am strong

I may be nothing but a stranger

Never Silence the Madness

To the girl I met today,

I want you to know,

that I feel your torment.

In the way that you evade my eyes

in the way that your eyes gloss over

with the pink tinge of a girl that has cried

from the full of the moon

till it blessed us with its smile.

I know you are hurt.

I want you to know that you are not alone.

the crackle in your voice

caused by sobbing,

a throat, exhausted by the howling

I know that you are void of all happiness.

I have been there too.

your anger is too full right now,

your sadness is more

cavernous than the oceans combined,

but I am here

my small talk;

my attempts to distract you

from the agony you are feeling,

my venture to convince you that

I am right there beside you

I am trying to let you…

View original post 167 more words

When you think you see me

Never Silence the Madness

When she comes

It may be indistinguishable to you

You glance at me

And I smile back in return

Not one dew drop on my skin

You imagine to yourself what kind of life I may have

You imagine the cupcakes I must eat for dinner

You imagine the sugar and spice I must sprinkle on every meal

You imagine the organized perfectly placed items on my desk

The friends I must surround myself with

The laughs I share

The memories I must have accumulated from the amazing life I lead

But you don’t know

You don’t know I’m tormented by something I want to call a she

Because what else could she be

She’s jealous

And controlling

She’s slick

And manipulative

She slithers gracefully

But a bite so poisonous

It creeps so slowly

Like Guillain-Barre

starting from my toes

Nerve by nerve

Muscle weakness

Lung paralysis

I cannot breathe

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Don’t lift me up to drop me 

Never Silence the Madness

I wrote this poem September 27, 2016

I had found a happiness  but  with the same breath of this poem, and the fear of losing the love, I eventually let my anxiety tear apart what had become amazing.

Don’t you lift me up to drop me…

Don’t you dare fill me to the brim just to knock me over

The time it took to fill me

Drip by drip

Compliment after affection

Good deed after kisses on foreheads

Factor in the evaporation  equation

The occasional sip

Don’t you dare resuscitate this dying heart of mine

Just to pull the plug as I dream

As the pressure builds within my chest and the butterflies

Fling themselves against the walls of my thoracic cavity

Please don’t  intubate me

When its apparent that I can’t catch my breath

Don’t be afraid that I will detonate as the pressure becomes to strong for me…

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