Calm your worries and feed your dreams
How I wish there was an off switch the moment my head graced the pillow with its presence
But instead, I am left with a bombardment of thoughts and questions
Things I am not prepared to answer
Questions, I am still afraid to truly ask
I wish there was an off switch
Synchronized with the lights
So when I dimmed the room for relaxation, my mind grew foggy along with it
She carries that shield as though the armor upon her chest may give way from multiple defenses
Crossbow in hand to ward off those that approach from enemy lines
Daggers at the ready because sometimes they say to keep your friends close but your enemies closer
.
She spent so long trying to keep the dangers away, she forgot she also wasn’t letting love penetrate her skin.
She didn’t realize that leaving the bandages on her wounds for too long were allowing them to fester
Trapping the insidious
Killing all she thought she was protecting
.
So, take the armor off babe
.
Let your heart breathe
Take some weight off of your shoulders hun
I know that you have felt heavy for some time now
.
Take the armor off babe
.
Feel some sun on that skin
Start some healing from within
Feel his touch
Because you need it just as much as he
Soak in his love
Because you both deserve for you to
.
Take off the armor babe
.
You are okay
I Promise you
MAKE IT TO ME- Sam Smith
There are so many things in this life that I’d love to do, but feel so shy to do, scared to do, timid to do. Little by little I have broken through small hurdles.. and today, I wanna try to jump over another one.
All my life, I have loved singing. I would sing karaoke through the night, as long as I thought no one could hear me. As soon as I heard a door creak, my throat would close, and I couldn’t get a note out. I would say, the only person that has heard me sing at the top of my lungs is my partner. Thank goodness, 🙏 he allows me to sing through all the road trips, through all the cleaning days without judging me, without complaining that I’m an ear sore 😝.
He make me feel so comfortable to be my 100% true self. Open, vulnerable, raw. I am in no way, a great singer lol, but I love to sing, I love listening to the passions in others’ voices and I wish that for myself. My partner encourages me to love myself and my passions, he is super supportive with the things I do end up trying.
Anyway… Here I am, working up the courage to do something I’m afraid of. I still feel shy recording myself singing, I’m terrified to make it public lol. But …. why not… live my life, love myself, and stop holding back.
YOU AND I – Lady Gaga
There are so many things in this life that I’d love to do, but feel so shy to do, scared to do, timid to do. Little by little I have broken through small hurdles.. and today, I wanna try to jump over another one.
All my life, I have loved singing. I would sing karaoke through the night, as long as I thought no one could hear me. As soon as I heard a door creak, my throat would close, and I couldn’t get a note out. I would say, the only person that has heard me sing at the top of my lungs is my partner. Thank goodness, 🙏 he allows me to sing through all the road trips, through all the cleaning days without judging me, without complaining that I’m an ear sore 😝.
He make me feel so comfortable to be my 100% true self. Open, vulnerable, raw. I am in no way, a great singer lol, but I love to sing, I love listening to the passions in others’ voices and I wish that for myself. My partner encourages me to love myself and my passions, he is super supportive with the things I do end up trying.
Anyway… Here I am, working up the courage to do something I’m afraid of. I still feel shy recording myself singing, I’m terrified to make it public lol. But …. why not… live my life, love myself, and stop holding back.
LOVE IN THE DARK- ADELE
There are so many things in this life that I’d love to do, but feel so shy to do, scared to do, timid to do. Little by little I have broken through small hurdles.. and today, I wanna try to jump over another one.
All my life, I have loved singing. I would sing karaoke through the night, as long as I thought no one could hear me. As soon as I heard a door creak, my throat would close, and I couldn’t get a note out. I would say, the only person that has heard me sing at the top of my lungs is my partner. Thank goodness, 🙏 he allows me to sing through all the road trips, through all the cleaning days without judging me, without complaining that I’m an ear sore 😝.
He makes me feel so comfortable to be my 100% true self. Open, vulnerable, raw. I am in no way, a great singer lol, but I love to sing, I love listening to the passions in others’ voices and I wish that for myself. My partner encourages me to love myself and my passions, he is super supportive with the things I do end up trying.
Anyway… Here I am, working up the courage to do something I’m afraid of. I still feel shy recording myself singing, I’m terrified to make it public lol. But …. why not… live my life, love myself, and stop holding back.
original post: And Her Name Is…
Again, it’s impossible to get anyone to understand what anxiety feels like, when you don’t suffer from it yourself. This is my struggle with anxiety, with the evil whispers that anxiety likes to speak on a daily basis and the fight to keep my anxiety under control.
She was always “the one that got away”
The one that loved until her heart bled dry
The one that gave and gave
Until even her capillaries collapsed from being hollow
.
.
She was always the one that held on too long
Until her calloused hands gave way
Until her knees buckled from the weight
.
.
She was always the one that felt a hand reach out for her
As soon as she was just out of reach
The one that heard her name being called from the tree tops
As she ventured out of the city
The one that saw fireworks spelling out her name
As she rode her own self out into the sunset
.
.
Because she never needed anyone to take her on that bike
She never depended on anyone to keep her warm
.
.
She was a fire all on her own
.
.
She may have been directionally challenged
But give her the tools and by God she will find herself exactly where she needed to be
.
.
She was always “the one that got away”
Because the men in her life didn’t know whether to fan her fire
Or deprive her of the oxygen to shine
.
.
The men in her life were either terrified that beside her,
She would either burn much brighter
Or push them to ignite their own
.
.
And neither option ever felt right for them at the time
.
.
She was always “the one that got away”
Because once she decided she was done
She was never turning back
She was never refueling her heart for the same drive
.
.
And the men in her life thought that
She would always be there to pick them up when they fell
.
.
In every love story, she was never replaceable
Her fire burned a different shade of bright
.
.
In every love story,
The new, the next, and the right after
Sat dim in comparison to her
.
.
In every love story,
They looked for her
They cried for her
They feened for her
They hungered for every bit of love she fed them
.
.
Because you never know what you have lost
Until it’s really gone
.
.
You never know what you have lost
Until you tasted and nothing tastes as sweet
Until you have hugged and no one is as warm
Until you have tried and realized that no one else
Compares
.
.
And you fear you will see her hand in hand
With someone that appreciates her
With someone that loves her
With someone that is ready to fan her fire
And ignite his own
.
.
Because that is exactly who she needs
When a fire shines that bright
.
.
A man who wants to feed her fire
Not because she needs him to
Not because she will wither away without him
But because he is fueled by her beauty
He shines just as bright without her
But glows with her by his side
.
.
When fire meets fire
She is no longer “the one that got away”
He is no longer the hands that got burned by her flame
They are no longer fires at either end waiting
For who will survive without oxygen the longest
.
.
Because their flame shines brighter with them together
Their fire brightens the pathway forward
Their fire pushes the darkness away from their souls
.
.
She is no longer “the one that got away” because
She is shining
She is loving
She is HERE
.
.
Neversilencethemadness.com
.
.
#bloggerstyle #blogger #poetry #poemsofinstagram #poetrylovers #poet #spokenword
WHEN WE WERE YOUNG-ADELE
here are so many things in this life that I’d love to do, but feel so shy to do, scared to do, timid to do. Little by little I have broken through small hurdles.. and today, I wanna try to jump over another one.
All my life, I have loved singing. I would sing karaoke through the night, as long as I thought no one could hear me. As soon as I heard a door creak, my throat would close, and I couldn’t get a note out. I would say, the only person that has heard me sing at the top of my lungs is my partner. Thank goodness, 🙏 he allows me to sing through all the road trips, through all the cleaning days without judging me, without complaining that I’m an ear sore 😝.
He makes me feel so comfortable to be my 100% true self. Open, vulnerable, raw. I am in no way, a great singer lol, but I love to sing, I love listening to the passions in others’ voices and I wish that for myself. My partner encourages me to love myself and my passions, he is super supportive with the things I do end up trying.
Anyway… Here I am, working up the courage to do something I’m afraid of. I still feel shy recording myself singing, I’m terrified to make it public lol. But …. why not… live my life, love myself, and stop holding back.
ORIGINAL POST: WHEN YOU THINK YOU SEE ME….
My attempt at doing the impossible, getting people that don’t have anxiety or panic attacks, to understand what it may feel like. Especially since so many people that suffer with anxiety have the capability to appear completely fine, while they struggle within.
Dear broken hearted girl
I wish there was some way to heal you
I wish there was a way to convince you
It’s okay to find yourself and be proud to be her
.
.
There’s no point in obsessing over another
.
.
I see the way you pick and choose what you find beautiful in others
And mold yourself to be like them
.
.
I guess you lack the confidence that you, yourself, could be loved by any man
.
.
I see the way that you manipulate who you appear to be
So that maybe the world can see you in a different light
.
.
But what you see in the day time is still what you see in the dead of night
.
.
To find your happiness
You need to discover who you really are
.
.
fall in love with her again
Find your North Star
.
.
Because babe
She needs to be loved again
You …
need to love yourself again
.
.
And that only comes with a long hard look in the mirror
Some time to heal
Time to forget
Time to remember
.
.
Dear broken hearted girl
I see the way you lash out in pain
Trying to drag others happiness down along with you
Trying to drive others insane
.
.
But my dear broken hearted girl
You need to figure out who you really are
Before you lose yourself
Before you have gone too far
.
.
You need to love yourself
Without needing others to love you
Respect yourself
What do you really have to lose
.
.
And then maybe ….
.
.
Maybe when you figure that all out ….
.
.
You won’t be standing there, so obviously broken
So obviously full of doubt
.
.
Neversilencethemadness.com
.
.
#bloggerstyle #blogger #poetry #poemsofinstagram #poetrylovers #poet #spokenword
MILLION REASONS- Lady Gaga
There are so many things in this life that I’d love to do, but feel so shy to do, scared to do, timid to do. Little by little I have broken through small hurdles.. and today, I wanna try to jump over another one.
All my life, I have loved singing. I would sing karaoke through the night, as long as I thought no one could hear me. As soon as I heard a door creak, my throat would close, and I couldn’t get a note out. I would say, the only person that has heard me sing at the top of my lungs is my partner. Thank goodness, 🙏 he allows me to sing through all the road trips, through all the cleaning days without judging me, without complaining that I’m an ear sore 😝.
He make me feel so comfortable to be my 100% true self. Open, vulnerable, raw. I am in no way, a great singer lol, but I love to sing, I love listening to the passions in others’ voices and I wish that for myself. My partner encourages me to love myself and my passions, he is super supportive with the things I do end up trying.
Anyway… Here I am, working up the courage to do something I’m afraid of. I still feel shy recording myself singing, I’m terrified to make it public lol. But …. why not… live my life, love myself, and stop holding back.
She thought she knew what she wanted
She thought that it was all planned out and laid out in front of her
The hopeless romantic in her, told her that she would fall in love
She would get the ring, she would get married, have the babies, live in the beautiful home with her family and her dogs
.
.
One broken heart after another
She began to retreat a little bit further
.
.
Maybe it was the amount of times her heart broke
Maybe it was a defense mechanism building a wall around that heart
Maybe time made her begin to lose patience
.
.
But she began to feel as though
Maybe she didn’t want that dream anymore
.
.
Maybe that dream was never meant for her
.
.
It was an endless disappointment every time she fell in love without bearing the fruit of the future
.
.
It was an expectation that she was exhausted from wanting to fulfill
.
.
She wanted it so badly, she decided she didn’t want it at all
.
.
I mean, what was it all really?
Besides money on a finger, besides signatures on a paper
Maybe there were more cons than pros anyway
It’s not like any of it meant promises wouldn’t be broken on a future day
.
.
Maybe she had just become jaded
Maybe fear had taken over
That maybe vows meant nothing to her future lover
.
.
Either way
She couldn’t tell if it was frustration or sadness
Desperation or fear
whatever it was
.
.
She wanted it so badly, she decided
.
.
She really didn’t want any of it, anymore
.
.
Neversilencethemadness.com
.
.
#bloggerstyle #blogger #poetry #poemsofinstagram #poetrylovers #poet #spokenword
I was struggling here lol but ….. Love the song .. so .. eh… here it is …
All I ask – Adele
There are so many things in this life that I’d love to do, but feel so shy to do, scared to do, timid to do. Little by little I have broken through small hurdles.. and today, I wanna try to jump over another one.
All my life, I have loved singing. I would sing karaoke through the night, as long as I thought no one could hear me. As soon as I heard a door creak, my throat would close, and I couldn’t get a note out. I would say, the only person that has heard me sing at the top of my lungs is my partner. Thank goodness, 🙏 he allows me to sing through all the road trips, through all the cleaning days without judging me, without complaining that I’m an ear sore 😝.
He make me feel so comfortable to be my 100% true self. Open, vulnerable, raw. I am in no way, a great singer lol, but I love to sing, I love listening to the passions in others’ voices and I wish that for myself. My partner encourages me to love myself and my passions, he is super supportive with the things I do end up trying.
Anyway… Here I am, working up the courage to do something I’m afraid of. I still feel shy recording myself singing, I’m terrified to make it public lol. But …. why not… live my life, love myself, and stop holding back.
original poem : BROKEN PIECES
Sometimes, we feel like we have been through so much in our life that we broken.
Sometimes, we meet that person that wants to be there to hold your hand while you heal
and sometimes, I think we worry that those burdens are just way too much for our loved ones to hold on to with you and in reality, it isn’t anyone else’s responsibility to heal you.
but sometimes we meet that person that wants to hold your hand while you heal despite the difficulties, despite tears, because they love you.
He listened to her intently as the tears fell from her cheeks
He stared at her bewildered as she gasped for breaths between words
Had he known that his choices at the precipice of her love would break her even 20 years into the future, he might have chosen differently
.
.
But would he really?
.
.
As she lay, curled into the blanket, limbs writhing from the pain radiating from her heart, from the memories of her past, he stood there, mouth gaping wide
.
.
How could he have been so careless?
How could he take her gentle soul and defame it ?
How could he take all the love she gave him and set it down as if it wasn’t the most precious gift she could have offered?
.
.
“Your love traumatized me” she wailed
“I gave you every part of me” she groaned
.
.
As she doubled over in pain, in weakness, in horror
There was nothing he could do but place a hand on her shoulder for comfort
.
.
She was right
.
.
Every way that he had fractured her heart initiated the deep cracks that still find themselves way too difficult to heal
.
.
No matter what she did to smooth out the edges, fill in the holes
No matter what man came to her with love and praise and affection
.
.
She was never able to satiate the ache her heart felt
.
.
His words echoed in every future relationship
His doubt and hesitation manifested into her fear for the future
.
.
And with each failed love story, she felt increasingly defeated
.
.
A little more hopeless
A little more helpless
A little more pessimistic
.
.
But his love story, their love story
Will always be the love story that broke her
.
.
Their love story will always be the one that started it all
Their love story will always be the one that took her gentle soul, her innocent love, and her forgiving heart and crushed it, demolished it, tarnished it
.
.
He wished with every fiber of his being that he could rewrite their love story
That he could erase the pain
That he could heal her broken parts
.
.
But a love story cannot be rewritten, it cannot be unwritten
She just has to find a way to give herself the happy ending that she knows she deserves on her own
.
.
Neversilencethemadness.com
.
.
#bloggerstyle #blogger #poetry #poemsofinstagram #poetrylovers #poet #spokenword
I Found a Boy- Adele
There are so many things in this life that I’d love to do, but feel so shy to do, scared to do, timid to do. Little by little I have broken through small hurdles.. and today, I wanna try to jump over another one.
All my life, I have loved singing. I would sing karaoke through the night, as long as I thought no one could hear me. As soon as I heard a door creak, my throat would close, and I couldn’t get a note out. I would say, the only person that has heard me sing at the top of my lungs is my partner. Thank goodness, 🙏 he allows me to sing through all the road trips, through all the cleaning days without judging me, without complaining that I’m an ear sore 😝.
He make me feel so comfortable to be my 100% true self. Open, vulnerable, raw. I am in no way, a great singer lol, but I love to sing, I love listening to the passions in others’ voices and I wish that for myself. My partner encourages me to love myself and my passions, he is super supportive with the things I do end up trying.
Anyway… Here I am, working up the courage to do something I’m afraid of. I still feel shy recording myself singing, I’m terrified to make it public lol. But …. why not… live my life, love myself, and stop holding back.
original poem : I May Be Nothing But a Stranger
People cross our paths every day whether it’s a lasting relationship, first and only impression, or a person meant to change our route and walk away. We never know what someone else is going through. The least we can offer anyone in this world, is compassion. We need to have love, spread love, give love, to be able to be someone that is capable of receiving love in return.
Once upon a time
He swam to her
They locked arms
And she grew
.
.
She grew
She grew
.
.
She surprised her makers with a hello
She wasn’t planned and
They didn’t know how to take the news
.
.
She was fighter
She lived through the doctors visits
Her heart beat for her another day
So excited for life
She left her home a month early
Her landlord, not a word to say
.
.
She was loved, she knew
But unwanted, she felt
Each morning she feared the ridicule
Each night she shuffled the cards she was dealt
.
.
Every moment that she had a breath to take
She feared the choices that she would ultimately have to make
To stand up for the person she knew she was
To stand up to the people who were suppose to show her love
.
.
She met him
They locked arms
.
.
She grew
She grew
She grew
.
.
He took her away from home
Saved her
But broke her too
.
.
With him
She began to learn what it meant to be herself
.
.
Wanting to be loved
But he reinforced the doubt she felt
.
.
It imprinted on her
Like the skin she lives in
.
.
Penetrated her mind
Inhabited the dreams she slept with
.
.
She lived her life onward
Pushed through
Defeated
.
.
She made sure
It was never a man she needed
.
.
She poured out her heart
Giving all her love
To those she cared for
.
.
From those she loved
She never expected more
.
.
She wondered sometimes
Why the journey
Played out the way it did
.
.
Why one survived
And the other one didn’t
.
.
She questioned sometimes
Her purpose
Her place in this time
.
.
She wondered
When the chaos would end
She wondered
When peace would take over her life
.
.
The question remains
And she may not ever know
.
.
But for the first time
Since she was a little girl
She saw the treasure waiting for her
At the end of the rainbow
.
.
Neversilencethemadness.com
.
.
#bloggerstyle #blogger #poetry #poemsofinstagram #poetrylovers #photgraphy
There are so many things in this life that I’d love to do, but feel so shy to do, scared to do, timid to do. Little by little I have broken through small hurdles.. and today, I wanna try to jump over another one.
All my life, I have loved singing. I would sing karaoke through the night, as long as I thought no one could hear me. As soon as I heard a door creak, my throat would close, and I couldn’t get a note out. I would say, the only person that has heard me sing at the top of my lungs is my partner. Thank goodness, 🙏 he allows me to sing through all the road trips, through all the cleaning days without judging me, without complaining that I’m an ear sore 😝.
He make me feel so comfortable to be my 100% true self. Open, vulnerable, raw. I am in no way, a great singer lol, but I love to sing, I love listening to the passions in others’ voices and I wish that for myself. My partner encourages me to love myself and my passions, he is super supportive with the things I do end up trying.
Anyway… Here I am, working up the courage to do something I’m afraid of. I still feel shy recording myself singing, I’m terrified to make it public lol. But …. why not… live my life, love myself, and stop holding back.
Just a poem about a woman who lost her son in one of the most unimaginable heartbreaking ways and the way that she still smiles toward the world and tries to carry on with her life. We never know the hurt that is going on within someone else. So, let’s all please be kind, love, allow yourself to be loved, and ask for the help when you need it. ❤️
original poem : Dimples, Deep as the Oceans
When his lips touched yours
All the wailing cries from every heartbreak
Were sucked out of your body
Like a cleansing of your soul
.
.
When your fingers touched,
Every tear you cried became the fuel for a better tomorrow
.
.
When you handed him you heart, he buffed out all the imperfections
Left by the men that couldn’t handle you
.
.
And he gave it back nearly perfect
.
.
He made you believe that you were his forever
He made you believe that he was yours too
.
.
The happiness in your smile makes me believe
That you thought he would never leave you
.
.
He spoke to you of all the ways
And all the ways
And all the ways
.
.
He spoke to you of the future
And all the days
And the way he would stay.
.
.
He held your hand and you thought
“This warmth could survive me through a winter storm”
.
.
You wouldn’t imagine life without him anymore
.
.
Yes, he made you believe
.
.
That it was you and him forever
.
.
You couldn’t have known that it would be your last December
.
.
When he walked away so suddenly, your heart was ripped entirely from your chest
He promised you so much more
He handed you so much less
.
.
He made you believe you were his forever
He made you believe he was yours too
.
.
Then you were stuck in the sidelines as he rode away with her to get away from you
.
.
As he rode into the sunset with his new love between his arms
You were deserted, deflated, embarrassed, appalled
Because the one you loved so quickly
Never really loved you at all
.
.
Neversilencethemadness.com
.
.
#bloggerstyle #blogger #poetry #poemsofinstagram #poetrylovers #poet
.
.
There are so many things in this life that I’d love to do, but feel so shy to do, scared to do, timid to do. Little by little I have broken through small hurdles.. and today, I wanna try to jump over another one.
All my life, I have loved singing. I would sing karaoke through the night, as long as I thought no one could hear me. As soon as I heard a door creak, my throat would close, and I couldn’t get a note out. I would say, the only person that has heard me sing at the top of my lungs is my partner. Thank goodness, 🙏 he allows me to sing through all the road trips, through all the cleaning days without judging me, without complaining that I’m an ear sore 😝.
He makes me feel so comfortable to be my 100% true self. Open, vulnerable, raw. I am in no way, a great singer lol, but I love to sing, I love listening to the passions in others’ voices and I wish that for myself. My partner encourages me to love myself and my passions, he is super supportive with the things I do end up trying.
Anyway… Here I am, working up the courage to do something I’m afraid of. I still feel shy recording myself singing, I’m terrified to make it public lol. But …. why not… live my life, love myself, and stop holding back.
I wrote this poem back in 2016, after moving to LA from Northern California. I came here for Nursing School and I made the move all alone. I walked away from a long term relationship because he wasn’t ready to make the move with me and that left me feeling very confused. I was proud of myself for making the move, for my future, for my well being. I was excited because I was beginning this new chapter of my life filled with growth and it was a road I knew without a doubt that I wanted to take, but walking away from someone that I had spent the last 6 years with in the same breath, was heartbreaking. The first year or two in LA was a time for rediscovery. I was learning how to live my life for myself and not having to worry about another persons needs. For the first time in my life, I was only needing to care about what I wanted and what I needed. But I was left with insecurities that ran deep into my childhood and were reinforced by a relationship that didn’t work. That’s when I found my passion in dancing again and I realized within those years how much dancing filled me with happiness, and confidence. It took time before I was able to slowly break free from some of the constraints I had within myself, but I owe all of it to music, dance, and a special someone that never gave up on me. In the moments that I was at my lowest, I had someone new in my life that never let me feel the insecurities that weighed me down. When I didn’t have the confidence to shake the thoughts off, he was there to remind me of how amazing he thought I was. Eventually, I began to believe it.
It’s amazingly true, that positive affirmations can change your mindset and change your life. Even when I struggled to believe ALL the things, he pushed me to say them over and over again. He made me believe them, and eventually I rediscovered the love that I had for myself.
I still struggle on a daily with insecurities, with anxiety. I still question myself and have doubts. I still keep myself in a bubble and shy away from things that I enjoy because of my own fears of letting loose. But I work on it every day as well. I have a supportive partner that encourages me to love myself and reminds me of all my potential. Every day, I hope to rediscover more about myself, love more about myself, and break away from the bubble I keep myself in. Every day is a new chance for change and growth that I hope to continue for the rest of my life.
original poem : Rediscovery
I know your heart aches for him hun
But he is no longer yours to love
.
.
I’m sorry that he rode past you in the sunset
I’m sorry that he made you feel as though you weren’t enough
.
.
He took the little pieces of your broken heart, sewed them back together
Just to take that seam apart
His bare hands with a ripper
.
.
I know you love him babe
But his heart belongs to someone else
He took his heart
Placed it in her hands
The cards that he holds
Are the cards that he’s been dealt
.
.
You need to let him go, love
His hands are no longer the hands for you to grasp when you are afraid
Because when she becomes lonely
her body is where his hands lay
.
.
women move on when they are ready
Not a second too soon, not a moment too late
.
.
But hun, you cannot fight what is fate
.
.
There is so much more to life, love
You will find the one that wants you near
.
.
But he is not the one you are searching for
The love of your life, is not him, my dear
.
.
Neversilencethemadness.com
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#bloggerstyle #blogger #poetry #poemsofinstagram #poetrylovers #poet
I’ve always LOVED listening to spoken word. Some really amazing poets have made me cry my eyes out with their beautiful words and the way that they convey those emotions in spoken word. I have been shy my entire life and things that I am passionate about are things that I find difficult to be open and vulnerable in. I decided to start recording my poems starting from the first one I have posted here on my blog.
I have always been super uncomfortable on camera especially on video, but I want to start breaking out of my little shy bubble and trying different things for my own self growth and self love.
This is my first time recording a poem like this, so please be gentle. One day I hope to be able to not be so shy and perform my poetry with the emotions that I feel with them…. until then… here I go…..
original poem : Don’t lift me up to drop me
A lot happened in the short amount of time between when my grandma got sick and when I lost her. The timeline is something that I feel like I will forever hold dear. In my last full conversation with my grandmother, she spontaneously called my sister and I on video chat and she talked to us while I was on my way to work. She spoke of all the things she normally mentioned, we said our goodbyes, we told her we loved her and that we would talk to her later.
The thing that I thought was odd about that goodbye, was that she asked me to call her on my break. She never asked me to call her that quickly. She would usually say something to the effect of “call me later, talk to you soon” but she never told me to call her on my lunch break. I didn’t think too much of it, but the next time I was able to really talk to her, she was on oxygen. We spoke for a moment, she was able to talk to me, but I could tell it was hard for her to speak for very long, so I told her to rest and that I would call her again soon. She gained her wings a few days after that.
I fight tears typing this memory of my last moments with my Grandma because, like everyone I know that has lost a loved one, we wish we had more time, we wish the phone call was longer, we wish we could have visited one last time. I know that I called my grandma often, I know that I always made sure I told her how much I loved her, and how much I missed her, but I wish I could have done more.
She helped raise me my entire life. My memories of her are all good ones; rocking me on her legs when I was sick, hanging out with me at the mall. She would always stop at McDonald’s and get a fish filet with fries and no salt with a Diet Coke. It wasn’t until I became an adult that I realized it was never called a fish filet, and that it was called “filet of fish”. She would walk me to the library as a kid and feed my love of books. We would go to random stores and she would ask me to pick something out that I wanted, and I was always browsing book stores for my next favorite read. We would sing karaoke together as my Grandpa would say we were out of tune 😂. I would help her with her little yard sales and packing her balikbayan boxes.
My Grandma held one of the biggest parts of my heart and losing her was something I feared for forever.
ANYWAY
The point of my post was not to reminisce about my Grandma, but to tell you about a dream I had after she passed away.
Whatever your spiritual or religious beliefs are, I have to say, there is definitely a common thread between people that have lost loved ones, and then dreaming of their loved ones saying goodbye.
A few days after losing my Grandma, I had a dream. I was being driven by someone on the backroad of somewhere. It was evening it seemed like. looked like a storm was coming but it wasn’t raining yet. I was thinking that I needed to find my Grandma because I knew she was leaving and I needed to see her before she left. I ended up catching her going in the opposite direction as I was on the road, and we flipped a U-turn and met up with my Grandma in some garage. We both got out of the car and hugged each other super tight. We were both crying and I was telling her
“I don’t want you to go home yet, I don’t want you to go”
and my Grandma replied “I have to go”
It was then that I woke up and I was balling my eyes out. The rest of that day was a hard day. But I knew that she was telling me goodbye. She was giving my soul a last hug from her. She was letting me know that everything was going to be okay.
I heard somewhere that when we lose loved ones, we are so saddened by that loss, we are sad for them. The reality is, when our loved ones gain their wings, they are at peace. They are surrounded by their lost loved ones. They are happy. The reason why we are so saddened is because we are sad for the moments we won’t have with them, the moments we will miss them, the moments we want them to have with us.
I am sure that our loved ones are sad to leave our physical world. but once they gain their wings, they can be with us always. They will be with us in all those moments, they are beside us when we need them most.
Maybe you don’t believe in the afterlife. Maybe you don’t believe in spirits or them being able to visit after death. But for me, I find comfort in knowing my Grandma reached out to me. She gave me a hug before she left. We cried together, we said goodbye. And she waits in heaven with Grandpa and her siblings, for the day that we are all together again.
I let her sleep because I know ..
when she’s awake her thoughts are a minefield
Speckled with all the moments that make her heart explode with sadness
.
.
.
When she is caught dreaming
I let her enjoy those minutes
.
.
.
Because I know that the second she is awake
She is bombarded with a laundry list that she alone has made urgent
.
.
.
I let her sleep because for a few short breaths
Her brows are unfurled
Her face, peaceful
And as soon as that is interrupted
The worry and anxiety creep in
.
.
.
Every “what if” is a scenario that has happened
All possibilities become fact
Intervened by the rational parts of her mind
.
.
.
Her psyche
A sword fight
With no real winner
While she sits in the audience preparing for which
Long lost friend she will have to have to put to rest first
.
.
.
Her body
Ready to fight
Her legs ready for flight
Adrenaline coursing through her veins
To save her from the unknown monster
She’s struggling with that day
.
.
.
You see…
.
.
.
I let her sleep because I love her
I let her sleep because there is only so much I can do to save her
There is only so much I can do to protect her
.
.
.
And when I see her peaceful,
Even for just a moment,
I could never take that from her
.
.
.
Neversilencethemadness.com
.
.
#bloggerstyle #blogger #poetry #poemsofinstagram #poetrylovers
I understand why she wanted
To walk away from this world
Why, when death started knocking
She opened the door and let him in
.
.
.
She was tired of all the moments that her heart broke
She was tired of mustering all her strength to put it back together
She was tired of the endless fear
The chipping away of her plaster encased heart
And the fragile contents within
.
.
.
When death came knocking
She smiled and opened the door
“I’ve been waiting for you” she said
“Take me, death. I have grown impatient”
.
.
.
What torture this life has been
The never ending strive for better
For happiness
For success
For love
For acceptance
For laughs
And hugs
And tender fingertips
.
.
.
Passionate kisses were never so hard to find
.
.
.
And
A man that would throw her heart around
Was always around the corner
.
.
.
But when morning comes
And the truth invades
She wished that she could not exist
She wished that she could tear through the temporary comfort that softened her fall
She wished she could rip through her own skin
Make herself inside out
Bleed until she slept an endless nap
She wanted to break faces
Hear her echoed screams
Burn a house down to its bones
.
.
.
Why was life so difficult?
.
.
.
Why was happiness a foreign language,
That surfaced so few and far between?
.
.
.
She wanted it all to stop
Her worry
Her beating heart
Her fear
Her tears
.
.
.
And then death came knocking at her door
She smiled her own mischievous smile
And said ..
“Take me”
.
.
.
Neversilencethemadness.com
.
.
#bloggerstyle #blogger #poetry #poemsofinstagram #poetrylovers
This book had been on my shelf for years now. I’ve meant to read it, and started it a few times. It wasn’t for lack lack on interest that I didn’t read it, I just found myself too busy to dive into an 800+ page book. Based in 1870s London, it is about a 19 year old whore working her way up in society. I can’t wait to finally get to finish it. Anyone what wants to read along with me… I’d love to Have you 💋
*fun fact : this was the book Emily Gilmore mentions in an episode of Gilmore Girls lol
When the music starts
I know where my feet will take me
.
.
When the music ends
I know whose hands will lead me forward
.
.
You are my strength
When my body feels weak
.
.
I am your warmth
When your body feels cold
.
.
I will dance with you forever
My love
.
.
My fingers will always be there to interlace
With yours
.
.
Like puzzle pieces created to fit
.
.
Your hands on my waist
Your hands on my hips
.
.
“When you dip, I dip, we dip”
.
.
I will dance with you forever
My Love
.
.
As long as the music plays
My feet will dance their way towards you
.
.
But when the music ends
And all is eerily calm
.
.
When the room is empty
And all is gone
.
.
We will create the music to drive us
We will find the melody to take us home
.
.
Neversilencethemadness.com
.
.
#bloggerstyle #blogger #poetry #poemsofinstagram #poetrylovers #poet
There comes a time in ones life when you realize it really is okay to truly LOVE yourself and the person you are. To OWN, your strengths and not shy away from them. To be happy and surround yourself with people that spread love along with you.
Thank you to our amazing instructor and everyone in class today. The positive energy, the love, you all are glowing 🥰
As I sit here on my lunch break at work tonight
I dig into the first pot pie I’ve had in years
Daydream of my childhood
When my mom would make pot pies for dinner
When we had blueberry pie and vanilla ice cream for a treat
.
.
I didn’t know then
What a simple pot pie would mean to me now
.
.
I didn’t know before
The warmth of this pot pie
Would also bring warmth to my heart
.
.
Remembrance of the family I lost
The time we had together
The aroma of laughter
And a stomach full of stability and peace
.
.
Pot pies, apparently remind me of my mother
Of the days when she was my mommy
Of the long evenings playing in the backyard
Of the living room workouts
Of the halloween costumes that she would make from scratch
Of the movie dates
Of karate class
When she would cheer me on from the side lines hoping I would eventually throw a punch
Of the leotards for gymnastics
Of the cartwheels I couldn’t do
Of the long sushi lunch
.
.
It all reminds me of her
Of my little hand in hers
Of our chubby fingers
And our chubby toes
.
.
Laughing about the little things that only her and I know
.
.
Pot pies remind me a lot of my mother
.
.
When she would call us in for dinner
Dance her way around
With hugs strong enough to smother
.
.
When she would sit us all down
Sing her way to the freezer
And then surprise us with dessert
.
.
Neversilencethemadness.com
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.
#bloggerstyle #blogger #poetry #poemsofinstagram #poetrylovers
Most days
I do the things I Love
I seek out the things that make me happy
I love the people around me that I hold dear
.
.
Most days
I dance because I love the music
I sing because I love the words
I cry because I feel the passion
.
.
Most days
I live my life
Go from point A to point B
Grateful for the day I have been given
Hopeful for tomorrow
Learning from the memory of my past
.
.
Most days
I inhale the beauty that this world places before me
I exhale the impossibles
And I get myself to tomorrow
.
.
But …..
.
.
Some days
I miss the comfort of being able to call you any time of the day
To hear your voice
To vent insecurities
To remind ourselves that we are queens
.
.
Some days
I really miss the road trips
The Cuddles
And hearing your laughter
I miss the way your hand held mine
The way your laughter turned your face red
And I could barely catch a glimpse of your eyes
.
.
Some days
I fear that I will never be able to laugh again
That I will forever only be able to giggle
That I will only have enough happiness in me to smile
.
.
Some days
I fear that I will never be whole
Because you are no longer with me
There will always be a veil of sadness
There will always be a piece missing
.
.
Most days, mother
I tell myself that everything happens for a reason
I find comfort in knowing that you are happy and at peace
Free of the stress and struggle that the physical world hands us
.
.
But some days, mother
My heart breaks from your absence
My heart aches for the future we will not have together
For the grandchildren you will not meet
For the dances we will not dance
Songs we will not sing
The unfinished dreams that you held in your pocket
That never got to see the light of day
.
.
Some days, mother
I miss you so terribly
I cannot believe that you are not here with me
But I get myself together
Wipe the tears
And I make it to tomorrow
May’s book of the month will be Yellow Wife.
We will start Saturday May 1st and I will post discussions the Saturdays following, if anyone would like to join.
10 chapters a week.
It will also be found on FB groups : never silence the mad reader
I can’t wait to read with you 💋
He bulldozed his way through life
Never a care about anyone else
Leaving broken hearts
Littered across the pavement
As he rode his way into the sunset
.
You would think that he would look back
At least one last goodbye
The tattered sheets he gave his love to
a sliver of warmth to the fragments he left behind
.
I couldn’t see his face
But I imagined … or at least I hoped
that he had a solitary tear
.
That he held his head high
But he was broken inside
.
I couldn’t hear him any longer
But I imagined … or at least I hoped
that his lip quivered a little
Maybe his own heart let out a whimper
.
Because you cannot runaway from all the broken hearts
Without breaking a little of your own in return
.
The impetuous way he lived his life
Hooking lines into the hearts of those around him
Those that admired him
Those that Loved him
Those that needed him
.
He reeled them in
Dinner to last him the rest of the year
.
He bulldozed his way through life
Seared and devoured
Licked his fingers to justify the life he took
A compliment on how delicious love can taste
.
And then he got back on that road
Satisfied and full
And headed out toward the sunset
A few months ago, I started a book club, on FB called NEVER SILENCE THE MAD READER. As I was reading this particular book, our first book of the club, I realized it had so many large words that I had to look up. This was a very discouraging realization because in high school, I had so much pride in myself for being an avid reader. As an adult, I didn’t get the chance to read as much, but I didn’t think my vocabulary was as limited as it was. By the end of the first book, I chalked it up to the book itself. I mean, it was called “Special Topics in Calamity physics”, what else was I going to expect?
LOL a bunch of hard words…..
turns out…. It wasn’t the book, because come Decembers book, and I’m still writing down a long list of words I do not know hahaha
Anyway, I decided to write poems for each word to help me ingrain the definition into my mind. I thought it would help expand my apparently minuscule pool of vernacular. Once I started doing this, I thought, hey! why not start a poetry group and post poetry prompts, I’m already “prompting” myself, I’ll just share it, and others can join if they want to.
I started a poetry group on FB called NEVER SILENCE THE MAD POET and I began posting my word of the week or poetry prompts. I recently decided, I’ll try sharing it on here as well and 🙏 would love it if anyone would like to participate and tag their ping backs to #NSTMPP
This weeks poetry prompt will be the word “Bête Noir”
according to Merriam-webster:
pingback to #NSTMPP
I’d love to read your work.
He was foolish
.
.
He reeked of inexperience
.
.
Lacked the emotional wherewithal to create something worth while
.
.
But the look in his eyes said he wanted to try
.
.
The passion in his lips said inexperience in one doesn’t mean inexperience in all
.
.
He was an ASININE excuse for a partner
.
.
But as a lover, he was a 5 star vacation of a lifetime
.
.
He begged to prove he was more than face value
.
.
Climbed mountains to show he was more than skin deep
.
.
Ripped open his heart to prove to her that there was even a heart to see
.
.
She was foolish
.
.
She reeked of a woman with too much experience but a heart too big that none of it mattered
.
.
She lacked the emotional wherewithal to stand by her word
.
.
But the look in her eyes said she wanted to try
.
.
The ache in her heart meant she still had enough of one in there for one more heartbreak
.
.
But she was willing to put that piece of her heart in his hands and trust him not to crush it
.
.
She was an ASININE excuse for a partner
.
.
Because she was all-in with one foot out of the door at every moment
.
.
But as a lover, she was a 5 star vacation of a lifetime
.
.
She begged to prove that she was more than just broken pieces
.
.
She climbed mountains to show that the glue holding her together was strong enough to carry them both
.
.
Ripped open her heart to prove to him that there was enough in there to keep on loving
.
.
They were an ASININE excuse for partners
.
.
Love made them foolish, nonsensical lunatics
.
.
But as lovers they were a 5 star vacation of a lifetime
.
.
And at the end of that lifetime, who wouldn’t choose to live it as such?
.
.
In what love story, are there lovers that aren’t foolish, that haven’t lost their senses?
.
.
In what scenario does love not make you both a little crazy for each other?
.
.
I truly do not know, but if you ask them, they will tell you….
.
.
It is going to be hard, but most things Worth having usually are
.
.
True love, knocks us a little off our senses
.
.
But at the end of every day you just have to say
.
.
I choose you
Response to NEVER SILENCE THE MADNESS POETRY PROMPT “ASININE”
With every twist and turn
The world tried to tear them apart
.
.
Whispers that linger
Cuts that sting deep
.
.
The unforgiving movement
That made one nauseated while they sleep
.
.
Photographs
Pyrography etched into ones mind
.
.
Memories
The reality that there is never really time
.
.
But the universe is an implacable thing
With it’s mind made up
There is no real twisting and turning
.
.
Every bump in the road
Every detour
Every kink in the path
.
.
What is meant to be
Will be
And the universe will handle that
.
.
She is adamant, relentless
She is unforgiving when she knows what she wants
.
.
The universe doesn’t care which way the world tries to turn
She will spin it backwards and forwards
.
.
She will linger
She will haunt
.
.
She drowns out the whispers
Blows on the cuts
.
.
Navigates through the moments
When we all get a little lost
.
.
She is an implacable thing
.
.
And in the end
She always gets what she wants.
Response to Never Silence The Madness Poetry Prompt “implacable”
April’s book of the month will be Midnight Bayou.
We will start Thursday April 1st and I will post discussions the Thursdays following, if anyone would like to join.
5 chapters a week.
It will also be found on FB groups : never silence the mad reader
I can’t wait to read with you 💋
A few months ago, I started a book club, on FB called NEVER SILENCE THE MAD READER. As I was reading this particular book, our first book of the club, I realized it had so many large words that I had to look up. This was a very discouraging realization because in high school, I had so much pride in myself for being an avid reader. As an adult, I didn’t get the chance to read as much, but I didn’t think my vocabulary was as limited as it was. By the end of the first book, I chalked it up to the book itself. I mean, it was called “Special Topics in Calamity physics”, what else was I going to expect?
LOL a bunch of hard words…..
turns out…. It wasn’t the book, because come Decembers book, and I’m still writing down a long list of words I do not know hahaha
Anyway, I decided to write poems for each word to help me ingrain the definition into my mind. I thought it would help expand my apparently minuscule pool of vernacular. Once I started doing this, I thought, hey! why not start a poetry group and post poetry prompts, I’m already “prompting” myself, I’ll just share it, and others can join if they want to.
I started a poetry group on FB called NEVER SILENCE THE MAD POET and I began posting my word of the week or poetry prompts. I recently decided, I’ll try sharing it on here as well and 🙏 would love it if anyone would like to participate and tag their ping backs to #NSTMPP
This weeks poetry prompt will be the word “Asinine”
according to Merriam-webster:
1: extremely or utterly foolish or silly an asinine excuse
2: of, relating to, or resembling an ass
pingback to #NSTMPP
I’d love to read your work.
First, I want to say that, I have always loved reading. In high school I was always walking around with a book in my hand. A lot of times, I wasn’t paying attention in class because I was busy getting whisked away in another land. Falling in love with the characters in these books. As I got older, I found it harder and harder to read for pleasure. I was always busy studying and reading a textbook. This year is probably the year that I’ve read the most since high school and I am so proud of myself lol. I have “traveled” to New Orleans, Nigeria, New Salem. I have been shocked by family secrets, rooted for the underdog, and felt empowered by women and their magic. I have never done book reviews, so this will be a really rough summery of the books I’ve read this year, but I do hope to do this more often. So here it goes…..
IRON LACE
by Emilie Richards
This book weaves together two different generations, two different lifetimes, two different stories. We are introduced to our central character, Phillip Benedict. He’s a journalist that resides in Los Angeles, if you can call a studio with a hotplate, ‘residing’. He comes to New Orleans to visit his mother, a pretty well known Jazz singer in those parts. He has somewhat of a relationship with a beautiful woman named Belinda, but it is pretty obvious that commitment within many things aspects of his life is a difficult thing. Aurore Gerritsen, seeks out Phillip to get him to write her life story for her. She chose him for reasons that will eventually be revealed. She begins her story before she is even able to walk, and it already involved a love triangle, illegitimate children, and murder. It takes the entire book to unwind all of the lives that have been twisted together, all of the loss and the hurt. But in the end, there is relief that the truth is out there and hope that a family once torn apart, can be one day united.
I actually read this book in HS and loved it back then. I decided to reread it before I read the sequel. It is crazy how different you interpret things or how much more you understand from the characters, once you are an adult. I loved this book because it starts off with the drama and then builds the story around it. I love that the overall theme of this story is to take away segregation and unite as a family, no matter what the color of your skin is. There is a lot of history in this story about the riots and war on color at that time. Also, there is an undertone of coming up from nothing to being someone successful, none of which is determined by the amount of money that you make. One of the major loves, in my opinion is Aurore and Rafe. They did a lot to hurt each other, but underneath it all, it was misunderstandings and secrets that broke them. They really loved each other and it kills me even now, to think of how their story ended. There really is a lot more depth here than I am able to speak on. There is racism and sexism and clear segregation of society. It is a lot to unpack, but I did enjoy the book then and I enjoyed it again this year.
Rising Tides
by Emile Richards
Rising Tides begins with the death of Aurore Gerritsen and the reading of her will. She left specific rules to be carried out, everyone listed in the will must stay to hear the entire will over the course of four days and stay together at her summer house in Louisiana or else they will not receive their share. During these four days, more secrets are revealed, relationships patched, marriages broken.
We see Phillip Benedict again, as well as his mother Nicky and her partner. Aurora’s son with his wife and daughter were there although, he really didn’t want to be. I don’t have too much to say about book. I loved it because it was a continuation of Iron Lace, but I wasn’t as emotionally invested as I was in Iron Lace. We get a deeper dive into Nicky’s life after her and Clarence ran away for safety, her struggle coming up in the world and her struggle with love. We get introduced to Dawn, Aurore’s granddaughter and learn of their love for each other and her strained relationship with her dad and bond with her uncle. It is an eye opening story in relation to history, being able to see from our character’s eyes, the hardships they faced with racism and segregation, the war, and the underground ways people were trying to fight for their freedoms. It was a dangerous time to put your foot down and stand your ground. I loved being able to close the circle from Aurore’s life, but I think my heart will always belong to her and Rafe.
Special Topics in Calamity Physics
by Marisha Pessl
This one really had my mind going in circles, in a good way and in an eye opening way. This was the first book in my book club and I felt so bad because I feared the title would scare people away. I always prefaced the introduction with ‘it’s a murder mystery, it’s not what it sounds like’. The book itself is structured very interestingly; each chapter is a name of a book, and I started to panic that I needed to have read these books to get some inside joke, but that panic faded away after the first few chapters. We meet Blue Van Meer and right off the bat, she’t extremely intelligent, well rounded. She narrates this story citing multiple works of literature which also made me panic that I had to read this also or at least look up what these books were, but no need to fear, it is not that serious. I felt like I was getting slapped in the face and reminded that my vocabulary is definitely not up to par. Which, in reality was a good thing because it made me step up my game and work on it. I did have to look up a lot of words while reading this book, but that was MY fault and not the fault of the book itself. Well, we learn right away that Blue has not lived a normal life. She has suffered loss, which I think her emotions seemed kind of detached from, and we are told, that she suffers more as the book goes on. She lived a very nomadic life with her father, changing schools very often, never really living in a place that she could really call HOME. She was already accustomed to not getting too attached to her friends at school. She does eventually become friends with a group at her new school called the BLUEBLOODS, mostly because her teacher Hannah Schneider invited her into it. I don’t want to say too much and spoil the storyline, but for me, the book felt very drawn out for most if it. Events happened that made you question everything, and then all of a sudden, you are rushed within a few chapters with information that came from almost nowhere. It’s like in the movies where they do a sudden reveal, and then go back and show you clips from certain parts of the movie, and it makes you go “ooooh”.
Overall, I enjoyed the book. I with that the big reveal was more than the rush of information in the end that we have to piece together, but I guess that is how most mystery plots go. I really wanted more for Blue, and I expected more from her father, but the rest is left to our imagination to hope.
The Girl with The Louding Voice
by Abi Dare
The main character of this story is Adunni, a 14 year old girl, facing the reality of her life in Nigeria. She lost her mom a while back, and is now finding herself being married off for money. She is the girl with the “louding voice” because she doesn’t want to just accept the marriage and bare children, she wants an education, she wants independence. This is a great story on women empowerment and fighting with every bone in your body for your dreams. Adunni gets away from her husband who is trying to force her to have his baby, he is abusive and she fears for her life. She finds herself an escape, where she is again in another abusive household, practically working as a servant to survive. She becomes friends with another woman there that has the same values as she does and wants her to succeed. She helps Adunni out the situation she is in and we are then left to dream of the great things that Adunni will undoubtedly accomplish.
This is a very straightforward story of a girl that is willing to fight for her dreams, even with the world is against her. With an eye opening look at culture in certain areas of Nigeria.
The Once and Future Witches
by Alix E. Harrow
Another book about women empowerment. This book is centered around 3 sisters during a time where magic had become a thing of the past. Magic was more like whispers in the darkness, rather than the powerful being that it was. From beginning to end, this story is all about growth between these sisters. Growth in their bond, growth in themselves as women. There are a lot of underlying themes of needing to burst through confinement, push through being held down and to accept and love who you are. There is love, loss, battles. One of my favorite books of 2020 probably.
So, for my first book review post, I’d like to apologize for it lol . It had been a long time since I read some of them, and I have never written book reviews before, but I was proud of what I read in 2020 and I wanted to share. I’m hoping to improve my future book reviews and not rush it like I did with this.
It is what it is lol ……
let’s see what 2021 gives me….
A few months ago, I started a book club, on FB called NEVER SILENCE THE MAD READER. As I was reading this particular book, our first book of the club, I realized it had so many large words that I had to look up. This was a very discouraging realization because in high school, I had so much pride in myself for being an avid reader. As an adult, I didn’t get the chance to read as much, but I didn’t think my vocabulary was as limited as it was. By the end of the first book, I chalked it up to the book itself. I mean, it was called “Special Topics in Calamity physics”, what else was I going to expect?
LOL a bunch of hard words…..
turns out…. It wasn’t the book, because come Decembers book, and I’m still writing down a long list of words I do not know hahaha
Anyway, I decided to write poems for each word to help me engrain the definition into my mind. I thought it would help expand my apparently minuscule pool of vernacular. Once I started doing this, I thought, hey! why not start a poetry group and post poetry prompts, I’m already “prompting” myself, I’ll just share it, and others can join if they want to.
I started a poetry group on FB called NEVER SILENCE THE MAD POET and I began posting my word of the week or poetry prompts. I recently decided, I’ll try sharing it on here as well and 🙏 would love it if anyone would like to participate and tag their ping backs to #NSTMPP
This weeks poetry prompt will be the word “IMPLACABLE”
according to Merriam-Webster dictionary :
: not placable : not capable of being appeased, significantly changed, or mitigated an implacable enemy
1. used to describe (someone who has) strong opinions or feelings that are impossible to change
pingback to #NSTMPP
I’d love to read your work.
All she wanted was to feel his finger tips
She wanted to hear songs about their future
She wanted see the score wrap around their bodies as he spoke of all the ways he loved her
She wanted nothing more than to be aroused by the tales of his day
The plans that he’s made
The blueprint of his life that had her etched into every corner
She wanted to feel his lips between hers
Electricity
Magnetism
Fire
She hungered for him
Not only his skin
And his kisses
Or the way that he looked at her
She hungered for his mind and his strength
His vulnerability
His passion
His erudite rant on all the things she once knew nothing of
Or even cared to know
Watching his wheels turn as he spoke of all the things he loved
The details of every manufacturer, the rational for every dip and turn
The intricacies of every click and clack
The admiration of the beauty and the perfection
She wondered,
if he ever spoke of her like that
Response to #NSTMPP “ERUDITE”
I am defeated
Wilted
The petals of the rose I am born
Pathetic
In the way she lacks to stand
The spine
Her fibers once full of hydration
Cannot bear to hold her up
She is thirsty
Days she went without satisfying the quench
Days she needed to replenish
But she lay there wilted
Not saying a word
Breaking
Falling apart
Pliable
For the inability to fight back
I call defeat
I throw in the towel
I raise my white flag
I have nothing left in me
To fight for what my heart longed for
You win, my love
Forgive me
I do not have the strength anymore
A few months ago, I started a book club in Facebook called NEVER SILENCE THE MAD READER. I decided I’d extend it to my blog and post the books, just in case anyone would like to join along. Feel free to join the FB group to participate in the discussions, but I will also post the discussions here in the comments ( I think that is how I will do this anyway, still figuring it out ).
For January we are going to read The Invisible Life of Addie Larue by V.E. Schwab. January 1 lands on a Friday, so what better day than to just start there.
week 1 : part 1+2
week 2 : part 3+4
week 3 : part 5
week 4 : part 6+7
My goal will be to post the discussion questions by that Friday after reading.
I’m excited to read with all of you 💋
You Saw a Pretty Thing and You Wanted to Break it
.
.
.
Porcelain made
Fragile written on it
.
.
.
You peered Into the windows
And you felt the warmth
Radiating from the hearth
.
.
.
You sought comfort
In the man you thought you deserved
.
.
.
As you felt around the doors and windows
.
.
.
Checked the hinges
Checked the boards
.
.
.
You saw a hidden crack beneath the floor
.
.
.
You seeped your way in
.
.
.
Not carefully
.
.
Not quietly
.
.
You seeped in flooding
You broke through the crack entirely
.
.
You tried to warm your hands upon the open fire
.
.
You burned yourself
.
.
Fighting for the one thing that you desired
.
.
You saw a pretty thing
And you wanted to destroy it
.
.
You took that porcelain made home
And you dropped it
.
.
.
A few months ago, I started a book club, on FB called NEVER SILENCE THE MAD READER. As I was reading this particular book, our first book of the club, I realized it had so many large words that I had to look up. This was a very discouraging realization because in high school, I had so much pride in myself for being an avid reader. As an adult, I didn’t get the chance to read as much, but I didn’t think my vocabulary was as limited as it was. By the end of the first book, I chalked it up to the book itself. I mean, it was called “Special Topics in Calamity physics”, what else was I going to expect?
LOL a bunch of hard words…..
turns out…. It wasn’t the book, because come Decembers book, and I’m still writing down a long list of words I do not know hahaha
Anyway, I decided to write poems for each word to help me engrain the definition into my mind. I thought it would help expand my apparently minuscule pool of vernacular. Once I started doing this, I thought, hey! why not start a poetry group and post poetry prompts, I’m already “prompting” myself, I’ll just share it, and others can join if they want to.
I started a poetry group on FB called NEVER SILENCE THE MAD POET and I began posting my word of the week or poetry prompts. I recently decided, I’ll try sharing it on here as well and 🙏 would love it if anyone would like to participate and tag their ping backs to #NSTMPP
This weeks poetry prompt will be the word “ERUDITE”
according to dictionary.com it is an adjective meaning “characterized by great knowledge; learned or scholarly: an erudite professor; an erudite commentary.“
pingback to #NSTMPP
I’d love to read your work.
I watched you glow as he fed you
Abdomen engorged
Promises; candy coated words
.
.
He fattened you up
Rosie cheeked
Arms stuffed full of flower petals
.
.
Honey vibrato
To ingratiate himself with your pitter patter heart
.
.
He molded himself into every dream you ever wished for
He decapitated every monster you ever lived with
.
.
He woke you from your nightmare
And he gave you something to live for
.
.
Why then, do you start to feel like something is still missing?
Like promises are empty
Smiles hollow
.
.
Why then, is there no warmth between your fingertips
Or fire in your soul ?
.
.
In the end,
You do not know
.
.
In the end,
You have to let the the dream of him go
.
.
#NSTMPP
NEVERSILENCETHEMADNESS POETRY PROMPT
I walked through golden lit coals without falter
.
.
I burned through the walls of poison ivy without a scratch
.
.
Even being stoned and beaten without release
Was not a match
.
.
My shoulders straight back
My chin never defeated
.
.
I trekked through this life with my head held high
My conscience pure
I had all I needed
.
.
But yesterday
Your fingers slowly released mine
.
.
What was once interlaced
And intertwined
.
.
Was now empty and free
Our love
No longer clandestine
.
.
I felt my legs weak
My hands fumbled
My speech so lost
I stumbled
.
.
Without the support of your grasp
I lost the ground beneath me
I lost the sky above me
Everything I thought I needed
I couldn’t see
.
.
Across the golden lit coals
I cried
Crawled
Despised
.
.
I became a person
That I did not recognize
.
.
You came into my life when I was lost
My Hurt echoed off of the walls
Insecurities gunned me down
By the people that promised to keep me safe
.
.
Slumber within a prison that did not have any bars
Drowned by the monsoon they locked inside with me
.
.
You came into my life when I was about to run away
Everybody smiled in front of my face
And hid the grenades
.
.
Eyes glued to the ground
Fear excruciatingly heavy
I had nothing left
My cries held no sound
.
.
You came into my life when I needed to feel loved
You held my hand when I was falling
Raised my chin up
.
.
And set my eyes right on you
You set my feet atop your shoes
“Do not run, I will walk with you”
.
.
You came into my life
When I needed to be engulfed by the arms of someone’s hug
You came into my life
When I needed to feel loved
.
.
.
*picture is from my favorite Gelato place When I visited Rome Last Feb
Whispers fill the room
I can visualize it
Like the notes on sheet music
Flowing through
Singing tune
.
.
It’s like a little seed planted in my heart
Fertilized by anxiety
And the palpitations start
.
.
I cannot unsee
What I think I have seen
.
.
Befell
The horror stories on my heart
I can’t un-tell
.
.
The room is stifling with
Whispers
And music
With stories
And lies
.
.
And that little seed within my heart
Is the only plant I own
That doesn’t seem to die
With empty eyes
And a hollow heart
You looked at me that night
.
.
You said goodbye
With your chest puffed up
Above my line of sight
.
.
Peering down
It’s plain as day to see
You move with an air of confidence
Arrogance
Far far better than me
.
.
Their whispers became Screams
Deep within your head
The nagging echos
Did not allow you to rest
.
.
You thrust your megalomaniacal words
In my face
You run away
Without haste
.
.
My heart
Was never dear to your soul
And I realized
At that moment
I meant nothing to you anymore
.
.
They say my head is in the clouds
Why?
I dream too much?
I think too highly of myself?
My judgment is cloudy?
.
.
.
They say to get my head out of the clouds
Why?
Envious of the extent in which I dream?
Of the height I allow myself to fall from?
Because I know that I will survive
And I will get right back up.
.
.
.
I look above me
How soft a place to lay upon
Angelic
Serene
Spiritual
.
.
.
I can see the castles
From just right here
Peaking
Hiding
Real
.
.
.
Once I have climbed all I can climb
Hoisted above the greatest arena
I look below me
And I see them
.
.
.
It is the most joyous first couple steps
It is the bottomless hug I never knew I needed
It is the cool condensation on a heatwave of a day
It is the insulation on a chilly night
.
.
.
It is the infinity fall
From a ground that was never meant to catch you
It is your stomach flying out of your chest
It is watching everything you hold dearly
Become engulfed in the comfort
Or released in the mayhem
.
.
.
I can see the castles from here
I can hear the trumpets playing
And the angels singing
I am not afraid of the fall
Because I know you are near me
So, a few weeks ago, I had a dream about my mom for the first time in a while. There wasn’t a storyline, just a bunch of flashes. Random scenes and a general overall feeling of panic. The entire dream, all I felt was dread. I had no idea why I hadn’t talked to my mom in a while. I was so confused, wondering why in the world I felt like I hadn’t talked to my mom in a long time. I had flashes at my childhood home, watching my dad change a baby diaper, at Zumba dancing in front of the mirror, at a large property searching for my car, I felt like I was running around trying to figure out how to to talk to my mom again. I was trying to figure out, what app, what her username was, making an account. I just frantically wanted to talk to her.
It was then that I woke up. And for a split moment, I really truly wondered why I hadn’t talked to my mom in so long. Then it hit me, that I hadn’t talked to her, because she isn’t here anymore. An overwhelming sadness came through me because it was as if, for a moment, I was losing her all over again.
I get up, and I’m trying to shake off this feeling. I open Facebook and scroll for a moment and then this ad pops up:
For those of you that don’t know my mother, The wolf was her animal. She had multiple wolf decor at home and she had a wolf tattoo climbing up her hip. She called me baby girl growing up.
Anyway, coincidence or not, I was a balling baby after seeing this. I was so emotional for the rest of the day.
Moral of my story, I will always love and miss my mamas.
I can trace back the memories
Like a roadmap of my life
.
.
.
Each pit stop
A part of my undoing
.
.
.
Each rest stop
A natural high
.
.
.
You ask me not to look back
At the hurt I have been caused
.
.
.
But each landmark
Is a permanent placeholder
For what I’ve loved and what I’ve lost
.
.
.
It is impossible for me to look at my life
And erase the days I drove off the track
.
.
.
far in the future
I’ll be able to settle down
Relax my legs
And unpack
.
.
.
The collection mugs
The silver spoons
The pictures taken but never hung
.
.
.
Put my feet up
From the race I ran
But never won
.
.
.
I stare at my life
Like a map
Of the road trip
I desperately wanted to take
.
.
.
With all the beautiful pit stops
I never planned
But don’t regret
That I have made
I looked out into the world
And I saw it
.
.
.
We are all main characters in our own books
.
.
.
I couldn’t unsee what I had seen
All of us walking around with pages and chapters
.
.
.
With bookmarks to save the important parts
.
.
.
With spines and bindings
Pristine
Or stained with living
.
.
.
I can’t unsee it now
.
.
.
The way our lives play out
Like the chapters in a book
Like stories to be told
.
.
.
With love and heartbreak
With turmoil
And body aches
.
.
.
I saw the words written on everyones face
“He had a rough past, and now he’s struggling to reach his future”
“Her heart has just been broken, but she fought on for her daughter”
“He said goodbye to his dad not knowing it would be the last time he hugged him”
“ She just found her soulmate, but she really didn’t know it”
.
.
.
I can’t unsee it now
.
.
.
The way we are all main characters in our own books
Trilogies
From childhood
To Throughout our lives
To our THE END.
.
.
.
It’s become an obsession
.
.
.
Because I just want to read them all
Every word
Every chapter
To feel the bookmarked
To soak in every reason why
.
.
.
I want to flip through your lurid pages
Because you are a book I want to read
.
.
.
And I can’t unsee it now
She told him
.
.
“I want nothing
I am ninety-one
Please let me go”
.
.
He looked at her solemnly
.
.
“Don’t make me do this,
No”
.
.
She took his hand and said
.
.
“I lost the greatest love of my life ten years ago
And I have loved every day that I have been alive,
.
.
But I miss him so much,
I’m ready to be back by his side”
.
.
With tears falling from his face
He held on because it’s all he knew how to do
.
.
And she left this earth so peacefully
With a node and a whisper
“Sweet dreams, baby
.
.
-adieu”
.
.
Sometimes I feel so stifled
Frozen
And unseen
.
.
I lay awake at night
Pondering …
What does it all mean?
I spoke to her in awe
In her seasoned age she had no flaws
.
.
With her lipstick placed
Her nails bright red
And her night cap made of lace
.
.
She regaled on her love of dance
her family
and her lows
.
.
She sang of all the ways
She loved to see her grandkids grow
.
.
I asked her for advice
Some tips and tricks
To be just as alive
.
.
She tells me
“Release all the negative people
That surround you in your life
.
.
Even at ninety-nine
Life is too short for negativity
.
.
Cut them out and I promise
You will be just as happy as me”
.
.
As I walk through the threshold
I am assaulted by the sight
.
.
The smells pummel through me
The energy as dark as night
.
.
Screams heard from every corner
Howls of despair
the wailing of fear
.
.
A man crying over limbs
that should still be there
.
.
A woman succumbing to the
Fevers that took her
.
.
The God made Angels
Frantically trying to do better
.
.
The Calibanesque picture before me
Grotesque
Mutilated
Disfigured
.
.
Is a vision that I would never have been
able to manufacture
I ran to him
.
.
“Are you okay?”
.
.
his expression brightened up like the sun
.
.
“I want to go dancing”
.
.
He smiles
.
.
And I laugh to join the fun
.
.
Tomorrow I heard you are no longer speaking
.
.
Your breath was taken from you
.
.
I hope you are dancing in your sleep
.
.
And my heart sinks knowing
.
.
That those were probably the last words
.
.
You will ever say to me
I saw the way you looked at him
-Enamored
.
.
Like he was the one that broke the mould
.
.
you loved him
With appreciation
.
.
He was Midas
And you wanted to live surrounded by his gold
.
.
I saw the way he looked at you
-Enamored
.
.
He gazed downward upon you
Like a fragile chick he wanted to nurture
.
.
He fed you
kept you warm
.
.
He nestled you on his lap
Cursed all the fears away in rapture
.
.
But he dare not touch you
He dare not lose you
Although it broke his heart in every way
.
.
He hurt himself
For every moment he wanted you to stay
.
.
One morning you woke
He fawned over you adoringly
.
.
You saw that your touch brought mountains
oceans to rooftops of glory
.
.
You shunned your own fears
You kept yourself warm
.
.
You no longer needed him to keep you safe from the storm
.
.
You made your own palace
With walls deep
And walls strong
.
.
And you told him
“I’m sorry
I do not love you anymore”
As the stars turn above us,
Your head upon my chest.
Your skin pressed against mine
Our bodies made to rest
.
.
I lose the line between who we are
Because
Who are you ?
And who is she ?
As the stars turn above us
Is it really important?
The “who are we?”
.
.
You are the missing piece
That was unknowingly broken off of my soul
.
.
I was the missing piece
that made your body whole
.
.
You are the part of me
That I didn’t know I needed
.
.
I was the part of you
That you needed to believe in
.
.
As the stars turn above us
And we wonder
“Who are we?”
.
.
Just know that we are two bodies
Who are just
Meant to be
.
.
She loved until she lost herself
She gave until she was empty
She hung on until her fingers bled
And her hourglass was hungry
.
.
She was an inveterate long time lover
each chapter in her life
sewn together neatly between each love
.
.
Never knowing how to say goodbye
Never knowing when enough was enough
.
.
You said you dreamt of it once
.
.
a freckle
.
.
Like a kiss upon her thigh
.
.
It’s where all the roads are traveled
It’s where your compass leads you
.
.
It’s where the time goes
When it flies by
,
,
It winks at you
.
.
like a LANDMARK
To lead you home
.
.
And once you have landed
It’s a lovely place to rest your head upon
.
.
When our hands touch
I am awakened
.
.
Our fingertips
The bridge between our souls
.
.
Blood flowing
Vibrating with electricity
.
.
Tantalizing
Brewing ,
A potion that cannot be undone
.
.
Because I want you more today than yesterday
And I know I’ll still want you more when the day is done
.
.
When our lips touch
A fire ignites within me
.
.
One that only you know how to put out
.
.
I am set ablaze
Willingly
.
.
How could you ever have any doubt ?
.
.
This body is yours forever
Because it is mine
And I put it into your hands
.
.
To extinguish this fire you set ablaze inside me
.
.
I am your woman
.
.
you are my man
.
.
They asked you for help
.
.
With their silent eyes
They called for you
In their muted tears
They screamed for you to see them
.
.
Where were you, then?
.
.
Making choices for “their best interests”
Not caring when they told you
They felt helpless
.
.
I’m sorry children
You had no advocate
.
.
I’m sorry your short life
Had so much sadness In it
.
.
Where were you?
When their silent tears
Flooded the streets
.
.
Sitting in your toasty home
Cuddled safely beneath the sheets
.
.
I have been through a war
Bullets flying pass my face
Tip toeing around the grenades
.
.
I lived through the smoke
bounded by chains
.
.
I have been through it all
Fighting for equality
Fighting for freedom
Fighting for life
.
.
I’ve lived through the protests
I marched for theirs
Like I would march for mine
.
.
how dare you
The years, the memories, the knowledge
.
.
You knocked me down
Cracked them out of me
.
.
I watched from right above you
As my body went limp
If my brothers from war
Could have seen what you did
.
.
Because we lived through the bullets
We tip toed over the grenades
But all of your hate
is what took me to my grave
.
.
I saw the hate in your eyes
It was clear as day
.
.
The disregard for a life
That you will soon take away
.
.
No cries from the helpless
Found its way into your soul?
.
.
No tears from the defenseless
Made you want to make a different call?
.
.
I saw the hate in your eyes that day
What disregard you have
For a life you will soon take away
.
.
What we meant to each other
Was something much larger than us
.
.
.
It was hopes
And dreams
.
.
.
It was goals
And love
.
.
.
It was fear
And disappointment
.
.
.
It was longing
It was loss
.
.
.
I will always remember the way your body felt
When I rested my head upon your chest
.
.
.
The way your arms wrapped around me
The way you carried me to bed
.
.
.
I will remember how your fingertips
Electrified mine
looking up at you
Getting lost in your eyes
.
.
.
I will remember feeling like a piece of me was floating away
When I had to leave your side
.
.
.
What we meant to each other once
Was something much more than love
.
.
.
But we were star crossed lovers
we were cut from different cloths
.
.
.
We were children from different time zones
meant to be together, we were not
.
.
.
Our souls were meant for different paths
And sadly
.
.
.
we were meant for different loves
.
.
.
sifting through a box of old things
Book after book
pamphlet after pamphlet
treatise on anxiety and depression
.
.
.
I am brought back to a time
when our lives were dictated by school bells
And seating charts
.
.
.
Where one rumor
Became our entire world
And one heartbreak
Was announced through
The speaker hung walls
.
.
.
ages ago
An entire world away
.
.
.
I pack it back up
to look back at another day
.
.
.
Weekly prompt @ NSTMP
I can’t be mad at you
You stole my heart
You tricked me
.
.
.
I can’t be mad at you
I walked toward you with a veil over my eyes
You led me blindly
You robbed me
.
.
.
And I let you
.
.
.
How can I be mad at you ?
.
.
.
.
You thief
.
.
.
Burglar
.
.
.
Pirate
.
.
.
Swindler
.
.
.
You stole my heart
Right from my chest
.
.
.
And I liked it
.
.
.
I read somewhere
That you were no longer mine
.
.
That you finally opened up your heart
And honestly, It was about time
.
.
I read somewhere
That you no longer belonged to me
.
.
That our memories
Are no longer cherished
It’s not my heart that holds your key
.
.
I never expected you to wait forever
To hide away
And pine for my love
.
.
But I read somewhere
That you are finally happy and moved on
.
.
My heart paused a little
It broke for a moment
As I remembered what we lost
.
.
But I always knew that our love
Was gone
When I walked away
I knew the cost
I saw her scars
Evidence of a life
Where great just wasn’t good enough
Where She was always just one nip away from perfect
One tuck away from perfection
One stitch away from happiness
I saw her eyes of desperation
As she picked at things I could not see
Although I was happy to oblige
I wondered where in her life she was during each scar
I wondered about the painful recovery
I wondered about the broken heart
Or the healed one
I wondered if she was finally close to happy
I felt sadness for her
But only because that could be me
One nip away from happiness
One tuck away from perfection
One stitch away from perfect
My heart broke for her
But only because that could be me
Sometimes
My brain thinks so much
My heart worries so much
I wish I could step away from it all….
And breathe
I wish I could make it stop
I do
It’s like
Playing jenga
Trying to figure out the puzzle
when it was already whole to begin with
Every piece
A clue that I must pull out and dissect
poking holes through my own logic
Seeing through my own thoughts
Piling on top of each other
Creating some form of a reality
That is just destined to come tumbling down
I wish I could make it stop
I do
The higher the tower grows
Force = mass x acceleration
The harder the fall
The louder the noise
Even when I see it tilting
And I know just how this ends, the scene
As soon as the bricks hit the ground
It startles me
I wish I could make it stop
I do
But no matter what I try
I lose
With all my heart
I want you in my life forever
I want you there to rock me when I’m sick
I want you there, for me to cradle when you’re lonely.
I want forever with you
I want always with you
I want your laugh
And your anxiety
I have endless questions
And I want the lengthy answers
I want you to care too much
Love too much
Be too much
I want you to sing
With my head on your shoulders
Listen to the mockingbirds
Hunt for treasure chests
And sing with the dogs
I want all of it
Forever
I want it with you
Always
You arent my type
You are bland to my taste buds
You are too clear
Too obvious
Too transparent
I read you like crystal
You just aren’t my type
You, tall glass of refreshment
Meant to quench my thirst
Hydrate my dry desert skin
But I do not trust you
Or maybe,
I trust you too much
Because I know what to expect
When you are placed before me
On my table
Into my hands
You disgust me
You, tall drink of water
You, too good for me
Necessity for life
I see right through you
And you are not my type
He looked at me while I spoke
Eyes burning into my own
Not an empty gaze
But strong, with intent
I knew the words coming from my mouth were nonsense
The topic, trivial
Just one of those conversations that
Quite honestly,
Could have never happened
And it wouldn’t have changed a thing in the world
But there he was
Looking into my eyes
Nodding his head, as if
I was giving a speech for a Nobel prize
A feeling was surging through me
This must be what it feels like
When someone is actually listening
When I met you
Early on
You filled with me with so much hope
We dreamt together
About our future
About our goals
Where this life would lead us
All the paths we could take
The possibilities endless
But you turned on me
Devious
Maniacal
Sadistic
You stole all my desires
And locked me within my own four walls
alienated me
Placed me in solitary confinement
Watched me squirm in discomfort
As you sick my biggest fears upon me
A jungle being set loose within my streets
A buzz so loud
What sounds like inches from my ear
hoovers 50 ft away
You, maniac
I cannot contain you
all the vulnerable are dying
All the apparent strong,
Are falling to their knees
When I first met you
You made me feel hopeful
But you tore through me
Wild and dangerous
and I stand here speechless
I looked her in the eye
And I told her how amazing she was
I told her she was beautiful
I told her she was special
All she heard was
Her face lacked angles
All she felt
was the way her tears fell from her eyes
At any hint of emotion
How she always gave more than she got in return
All she digested was how a world surrounded her
That was always somehow unreachable
I felt her heart in her chest
Palpitating
From the fear and anxiety
of her reality
I hugged her close
I knew where the hurt stemmed from
I knew the doubt
The worst feeling
Is to be ambivalent about oneself
To look at yourself in the mirror
to stare into your own eyes
and in the same breath
See the queen you are
And look away in disgust
#FOWC word of the day “ambivalent”
I hear the “pitter-patter”
Of the rain outside
Not long ago
The sun
Stared with an intensity
Of a loyal wife
Who has laid eyes on her husband
Being a tad less than that
How labile this world is
I curse it
But then I see a reflection of myself
For I am the sun
Who sets smiles upon faces
Encourages hope
And freedom
And laughter
too fierce at times
For I will burn you
I will make you seek shelter
I will make you want for less
Tomorrow I will be the rain
Who steals the hope away
From a better day
Who brings sadness
And grey
But also
I will bring the chill
That leads to cuddles
I will bring hot chocolate
And fluffy blankets
I will bring kisses
And fingers to hug yours
How labile my emotions tend to be
Like the world changing
Outside of my window
As I love the to and fro of the sea
My hope is that you also love me
For the changes I bring
writing prompt from HITRECORD : A Few Things I Needed to Hear… From You
I am sorry that I hated you
through your innocence
Every move you made
Irked me to my core
And I had to make you feel it
I am sorry
I am sorry that I made him choose me
When he should have chosen us
But I made sure that you were never apart
Of this whole
And I am so sorry
I did everything I could to break you
Hinder you
Demolish you
Shrink you
I was wrong
And I am sorry.
It smelled of musty air
Saturated in salt
Surrounded by unparalleled darkness
I knew blindly that there was an ocean beside me
Filled with life
Housing a world we barely have knowledge of
I catch a glimpse
Like a flashlight
Offering a gift
The waves crash upon each other
Beautifully dangerous
Unabashedly uncaring
I’m overwhelmed with
The realization of nature
It’s strength
It’s determination
It’s reluctance to be bothered by my presence
Within the darkness
The ocean, my neighbor
An entire world at my feet
Soaked in the Salty air
I am energized and fueled by Mother Earth
I am belittled and humbled by her
And I am thankful
On most days
She wakes up hours before I do
She jumps on my chest
Searing pain
Breathless
On most days
I’m too tired to take her to the park
She barks at me
Begging
“I’m boooored”
I can hear her thinking
On most days
I know she deserves more
She looks at me
She tilts her head
All the leverage she has on me
She cuddles
She wants to be loved
And I know I have to be the best me
So that I can be the best for her
#FOWC word of the day “leverage”
I remember what it felt like
To laugh with you
To watch your face turn red
laughing so hard
You couldn’t breathe
I remember laughing with you
All my muscles go weak
falling to the floor
You just got me
Conversations with you
Were like portals into my own mind
The sincerity of our confidence
and the admission of our insecurities
We talked for hours
Laughing so hard
I would cry
And my fear
My honest fear
Is that I will never
Find a way to laugh
Like that again
With so much unknown in the world today
There is an abundance of
Fear
Sadness
Confusion
With a reality so new to us
There is an overflowing amount of
Resistance
Question
Panic
The FACT of the matter is
despite what anyone says
There is definite
Loss
Loss of what life once was
Loss of loved ones
Loss of stability
From that, we have so much to
Gain
compassion
Unity
Love
Out of everything I know right now
It’s that.
How ominous
this random solitary toaster at the end of a very dark road
causing me to hesitate
Forebodingly
It stares at me
Daring me
To come into the darkness
I cannot look away
I cannot take a step
As if a coyote were in it’s place
How ominous
This solitary toaster
Sitting at the end of a very dark road
In its silence
It haunts me
Sometimes
She wants to scream
Scream so loud
The ghosts from her past
Hear and cower
But
All she can do
Is whisper
Salty tears into a towel
Late at night
Muffling her deafening cries so she doesn’t wake the neighbors
She shakes from the anger
She suffocates from the sadness
Each nostril plugged by the tears she holds back
She once looked at him so lovingly
Now she wishes to cause him pain
Pain
Like the throbbing in her skull
Pressure
Like the lies people told her of her future
She cries into her towel at night sometimes
Rivers down her cheeks
Drowning the hopes
Murdering her dreams
And even as she lays there broken
He lays beside her, dreaming
They do not know I see them
I spy on them, green with envy
As I cling on to the ledge
Heavy with the burden and no ground to land on
All my strength just so that I could see, everything unattainable to me.
Write a story or poem of 5 Lines or Less
Use the picture and/or the word spy as inspiration
Image by alexis parra from Pixabay
She says it’s confidential
She says it’s confrontational
I probably shouldn’t say this
She wouldn’t want me to
But who cares
She’s filled to the brim with anger
It is squeezing out of every seam
Orafices
Dripping
Like an addict
She’s trembling
What does it all mean?
She loves with all her heart
But she hates him with all the heart she has left
She would give him the world
But she doesn’t have much of it
Left
He’s calm
Collected
He sleeps with no care in all the land
She stars at him with daggers for eyes
And wants to faceplant him onto a mountainside
She imagines her coffin nails digging deeply into his skin
To pull out his heart
If he ever had one in him
She dreams of the pain she would inflict
As she lobotomized
Those eyes of his
Cross-stitched
crochete needles stabbed in each ear
The lies he spun
he can finally hear
I probably shouldn’t say this
It’s confidential she says
But the anger she spouts is vibrating
and the love she feels is sinking
She is a speck
In a world of almost 8 billion people
She sees us all like fireflies
Her light
Flickering
Light bulb on the verge of burning out
Struggling to emanate the bright
Surrounded by the darkness of the night
But here she still is ,
GLOWING
She touched your hand
And your anger faded away
She hugged you
And you melted
But like the sun on a nightwalkers skin
Ashes to ashes
You died from within
You felt her like the sun
A warmth you hadn’t felt in years
She embodied hope
But she also embodied all your fears
A chain reaction
From fingertip to the tips of your toes
Ashes to ashes
What you thought was your light
Was really death at your door
The first thing that came to mind
When reading the word VAULT
Was the inner workings of my heart
Code to crack
Difficult to get in
Thick walls
But nearly indestructible
My vault of a heart
Holds all my deepest secrets
All my memories
All my pain
Sometimes it’s
Stronger than it’s own good
Barring the storm
keeping out the insane
This heart of mine
Can be tricky
Confusing
Fickle
But it loves with the strength
Of the strongest metal
and once you get in
You are
Golden
The universe tends to work in very mysterious ways
Breadcrumbs
nudges
Whispers
To the right direction
Sometimes it is the direction we desire
Sometimes it’s in the direction that breaks your heart
But it is very curious
The way that the universe tends to work
When we ask it
For answers
#Fandango’s One Word Challenge : CURIOUS
They walk past me with mournful eyes
Shaking their heads in disappointment
“Why do you hold on so tight?
The thorns piercing your skin?
Your blood dripping so bright?”
They do not understand
There is no need to die
Giving them my last breath
As I lay him down
Tuck him in
And shower him with light
I watch him bloom
I watch him grow
And I know
He is a keeper
Every morning
the sun would rise
Every morning
That sun rose with pride
Boasting in his brightness
Full and larger than life
He thought to himself
“Every night, they are saddened with darkness,
Every morning, they need me to light their way,
I am what they wait for as their head touches their pillow,
My absence is what they dread as the day passes by”
As 12 O’clock approaches he inflates to take up as much of the sky as he can
It is not to be egotistical
He does not shine bright because he thinks he is the center of the universe
O’ sun
All he feels is joy
The assumption that he is all we need to survive
He doesn’t realize that
As he stands tall
As he holds strong
Some of us wilt
Some of us dry
Some of us fall beneath the light
And some of us die
Walking along the stoney path
Fingers grazing the brick bridge wall
I hear her humming
The most feminine tune
And I wonder what beauty I might befall
I peer across
O’ I am so lucky to see
And angel prancing along the meadow
But then she stops to look at me
The heat within me rises
Feeling caught
Red handed
Warm
Like a peeping tom
I am guilty
an eye
Gazing
Upon her storm
She stands before me gawking
I prepare for a slap across my cheek
And then gently she places a flowered crown upon my head
And curtseys in front of me
Bewildered
I don’t understand why she stays so kind
All she does is smile
What a lucky lucky day this is
Of mine
She barreled through your life
Like a stampede
She dismantled all your walls
You fought to keep her out
But she saw through that facade
She made you uncomfortable
She made you question
She made it hard for you to breathe
She tore through your life
And made you want to leave
You opened your eyes
You metamorphasized
You broke through
You soared
She made you never give up
And She made you want more
He said to me
“You are being explosive ”
Little did he know,
There was a tornado inside me that I was holding back from being released.
He said to me
“You are teetering on the edge”
Little did he know,
I tip-toed the tight-walk for miles before I got here
He doesn’t know I watched myself demolish this room
Ripped things off the walls
Flipped over every table
Breaking every breakable thing
As I sat on this bed engulfed with the fire within me
While sitting in the calm
My hands are your hands
In the daintiness that they lay
In the chubbiness that our fingers sit
In the thickness that our nails grow
Your hands are my hands
In the way that you snap your fingers as you dance
And flip your long hair
And twirl your rings
My hands are your hands
And it is a beautiful reminder everyday that you are still with me
It’s hard to explain really.
It’s a wave of distrust in the people that I love the most.
It’s a moment of suspicion that grew from the seed of the most mundane moment.
Sometimes, it’s the inability to be truly happy.
Sometimes, it’s a sadness that has no reason.
It’s being afraid that one wrong glance can make someone hate you.
It’s worrying that one missed call means that you are no longer loved.
I wish that I could describe it to you in a way that you could read and simultaneously feel, just to understand what a person with anxiety goes through.
Sometimes, behind the silence and the smile, there is an entire hurricane going on inside. At times, it is in the mind. At times, it is in the heart. In the worst moments, it is in both.
It can feel like being short of breath accompanied by the ability to breathe.
It can feel like being tachycardic, but a glance at your heart rate tells you that you are just fine.
It can feel like you are in “fight or flight” mode for hours on end with nothing to fight and nothing to run from.
It can be days of negativity and anger when all you want is to feel love.
I catch glimpses of her sometimes …..
The girl behind the anxiety.
Usually it’s within a candid photograph or mistaken video.
I see her laugh
-minus the insecurities
-minus the doubt
-minus the worry
-minus the fear
-minus the overthinking
And she is beautiful.
I don’t want you to read this and think…
Less of me
Worry for me
Sadness for me
Annoyance toward me
Because the way that I see it…
People that go through this world battling anxiety and still
-get up every morning
-want to be the best version of themselves
-have hope for the present and future
-want to spread love and happiness
-go to work in stressful challenging environments
-encourage and uplift
-LOVE
Are some of the strongest and most compassionate people that I have ever met.
We go through this world with love and understanding, with empathy and hope. Even though our moments can be harder to get through than some.
We can comprehend your hurt, but we can also be your rock, because we have already faced a million thunderstorms within us and we know how to stand strong.
I guess what I am trying to say, is that I am PROUD of the woman I am. I am thankful for the things that have made me become that woman I am today.
But I also catch glimpses of the girl behind the Anxiety sometimes.
AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL
So, it is currently 2:46am where I am at and I’m pretty sure I didn’t get to bed until almost midnight. I was jarred awake by an apparent nightmare. As odd as it was, I was simultaneously thinking of the best opening lines to a blog post about said dream.
These sentences are not it. Lol
I laid in bed within those first 5 minutes thinking of the way I’d love to write this post and every detail of the nightmare I just had. I debated getting up to write it. I thought, “no, it’s too early to get up, I will write it later”. At that time, I didn’t even know how early it really was.
The dream itself wasn’t even really upsetting or interesting in any way. I was just thrown awake so drastically that I felt like I couldn’t go back to sleep. I have also noticed, I think I am the most productive, writing wise, late at night.
Anyway, I looked at my phone to see the time, because I was obviously too awake to fall back asleep and I was in shock. I feel as though I have slept for at LEAST 6 hours. I couldn’t believe it was only 2-3 hours. Falling asleep felt like it was so long ago.
okay…. Dream time:
I really should of written this as soon as I woke up because now, the details are slipping me and like I said, it wasn’t that insane of a dream in the first place, but here it goes…
My dream’s cast consisted of some of my elementary and high school friends. People that I hadn’t seen or spoken to in years. As a matter of fact, over a DECADE. I guess maybe it was some kind of reunion. I feel like we were all in some kind of field waiting for something; an announcement, a celebrant. I go off into a forest or something with my boyfriend and as we are walking, I disturbed some sort of nest. I think, I must of killed whatever was in there. It was a hive of some sort. We approach a clearing, and I guess, as dreams would have it, there were two folding chairs waiting for us. My boyfriend sits in one, and I notice the hive mama buzzing around, gunning FOR ME.
It is basically the equivalent of a hummingbird sized mosquito. Or if a hummingbird and a mosquito hybrid existed, this monster was it. So, it’s buzzing around trying to attack me. I’m swatting it. I literally pick up my folding chair and I’m stepping to bat. I’m not fast enough though because I keep feeling it hit me. The buzzing of its wings close to my ears, even now, thinking about it, is giving me the chills. Much to my chagrin, my boyfriend has already sat down and is minding his own business. So I know that I’ve hit this thing a few times already, but it is relentless and I think I’m getting tired of holding up the folding chair, trying to hit it, trying to dodge it. I keep feeling it stabbing my neck and hearing the buzzing noise. BUZZZZZZZZ…..!!!!!!
That is when I jump awake, adrenaline apparently pumping because it is now, 3:14am and I am still awake.
I should probably go back to bed, since my alarm will go off at 5am. Goodnight everyone.
Sincerely,
An introverted dreamer that doesn’t want her madness to be silenced 💋
Dear Mother,
There are so many things that I still wanted to do with you. We always talked about more dances together. We have gone out dancing together twice in our lives. I thought we had so many more late nights left to go. We joked about loving dancing so much, we would go out, you in your wheelchair, and me with my cane. I so wanted to do that with you mother.
My mommy dearest, we had road trips planned that we could sing our hearts out to. We had vacations in mind. We had scrapbooks to fill. We were suppose to find ourselves at some French cafe loving the food but hating the portion size. We were going to smile and giggle at the cute guys. We were going to let me practice my one sentence of French that I remembered from High School. You were going teach me how to truly rock heels like a pro, and get mad at me when I complained about how bad my feet hurt.
My best friend, we were going to get tattoos together. We said it so many times. Even made plans to get one before you left on that airplane, but we never made it. My heart hurts, mother, because I wanted that experience with you.
My workout partner, my TAE BO buddy, my Zumba lover. You were suppose to make it to my favorite Zumba class, I really wanted you to see how amazing he really is. He’s never going to have that first dance with you mama, and my heart hurts because I really wanted him to have that with you.
Mommy, I really wanted to pick that dress with you. I needed you there to tell me I looked beautiful in that one or how horrid that other one was. Mother, should I wear my hair up? Or my hair down? Do I wear a veil? I wanted to see you there, smiling, crying, happy to finally see me walk down that aisle. Mother, I don’t know how I will make it all the way down that hall without breaking down, I truly don’t. I can’t see how I will have the strength in that moment in my life.
My heart hurts from all the things I can’t do with you mother. There are so many things I still had planned for us. There were still so many laughs, there were so many songs to sing and beats to dance to. There were so many chocolates to try, roads to drive, planes to fly. There were so so many more words to write.
We still had to pick a grandmother name for you. Surprise you when you would have a grandchild. You were suppose to spoil her, you were suppose to comfort him.
You were suppose to teach me how to cook …..
JUST KIDDING
We were suppose to joke about how much we both suck at cooking.
Mother, there really were so so many things I had left for us to do together. It’s hard for me to truly believe that I will never be able to do these things with you. It is hard to believe that you are not somewhere just writing away or dancing. I miss you so much mother, you have no idea how much my heart hurts for you. I love you, my mama.
May we dance together again one day
With so so so much love,
Your Daughter,
Angelique Rose
The funny thing, or not so funny thing, about our perception of beauty towards others and towards ourselves, is that they are on completely different scales. I run around all day seeing the beauty in other women. I hear their insecurities, but think how there is no need for the harsh words they tell themselves. Only to realize that I am not much nicer to myself.
It dawned on me recently. An epiphany , if you will. That I feel the most beautiful, I love myself the most, when mirrors are not around to remind me what society expects me to look like.
Let me try to explain that a little better….
In my apartment, I didn’t have a full sized mirror until maybe, last week. It wasn’t on purpose, I was honestly just too lazy to buy a mirror and when I was out shopping, I just happened to forget to buy one. In the sanctuary of my own home, with no one else’s judgment upon me and no mirrors to place judgement on myself, I did not feel the burden of my insecurities.
On top of that, I have a boyfriend that always makes me feel beautiful. Somehow, I am not sure how he does it, but, he makes me feel like no one else exists, but me. He makes me feel like I am some model or beauty queen. With no mirrors around, I begin to have this picture in my mind of what I must look like. I feel love for myself and pride in my body, in my beauty.
Sadly, that amount of self love drops a little when we leave home and I’m bombarded with reflections making me feel as though the perception I had of myself was just a dream.
That is when I got to thinking.
What is actually making me feel so insecure?
How can I feel confident one moment, and then so little the next?
Is it actually me?
Is my reflection actually giving me feelings of disgust?
LET ME TELL YOU…. THE ANSWER IS NO.
It is not who you are that makes you feel uncomfortable in your skin. It is not the placement of your features. It is not the size of your waist.
Society…
Social norms…
Generations of the ideal person engrained in others’ minds….
Opinions of others….
Judgement …
These are the things that feed our insecurities. These are the things that make us think, that freckles were once meant to be disguised and now should be exposed. These are the things that trick us into thinking natural is beauty but yet, it is better to paint a natural looking beauty on your face than just loving the actual natural beauty that you are. Social media and the TV convince us that our eyes are too small, our lips are too thin, our hips too slim. Some want sun kissed, some say stay out of the sun.
We really have to remember that the “ideal beauty” has changed over time, over and over again. There is no such thing as perfection. There is no such thing as an ideal look.
We are all beautiful in every form and we need to love ourselves. We need to teach our children to love themselves.
Create goals to be healthy mentally, physically, emotionally, spiritually.
Not to gauge our self love by the number on the scale, the circumference of our waist or the reflection in the mirror.
Who says that mirror is accurate anyway ❤
After losing my mom, I was flooded with messages from friends and family sending their love and condolences. I found myself finding solace in talking about what happened. In random conversation, I would start to talk about my loss, to anyone close enough to listen. Coworkers in the break room, friends on social media, any family that would listen. I was reminded in these moments how much death is an awkward thing to talk about or more specifically, how awkward it is for others to listen and respond to someone else’s pain.
I think a lot of people thought it was odd of me to talk about losing my mom so casually. What they didn’t realize was that it helped me somehow. It gave me peace to talk about her, even if it was about the day I lost her. Maybe talking about losing her helped me cope and let the reality of it sink in. I think maybe I kept replaying that day, and the information I learned to try to create some kind of theory about how and why it all happened. Like some new clue would make things more clear.
I don’t blame anyone for the way they dodged my conversation or the way they didn’t understand the hurt I felt from losing my mom. I, myself, do not know how to react to someone else’s loss. I often revert to the cliche “sorry for your loss”.
I don’t think anyone can truly understand this loss I feel, unless they, too, have lost a parent or a child. It’s a very lonely kind of sadness.
Anyway…
In all my efforts to find comfort, talking to everyone and everything. I connected with an Angel. We met a handful of years ago. She also lost her mother as well. Talking to her really was a gift. She gave me hope, comfort, understanding.
I didn’t feel alone.
My hurt, wasn’t alone.
What really shocked me was that, although we knew each other. Knew of each other. We never really had a conversation, and suddenly, here I was, talking with her about my deepest loss and she was not phased. She wasn’t afraid to talk about loss or pain. She wasn’t afraid to keep replying or forced to change the subject. I wasn’t afraid to tell her how lonely this sadness was or how I was suddenly overcome with the fear of no afterlife.
Okay, story time :
Growing up, my mom always had an affinity for dreamcatchers. She had one in her car, she had some in our home. She gave one to me as a kid.
When my family and I went to the Philippines for my mom’s funeral, we stopped by the beach that she was at when she began to feel chest pain. We just wanted some answers I guess, as to what really happened that day. We were told that she stopped in front of a shop and became unconscious on their front door. As my aunt and I asked a few questions, she looked up at the store that my mom happened to lay down at. She was in awe, because the store was covered floor to ceiling in dreamcatchers. She bought a handful of them for us. It really just made me feel a little more at peace with what happened. Like there was a touch of my mom wherever we went and that, no matter how devastated we are about what happened, GOD does things for a reason. He calls people home when it is their time, and there isn’t really anything that we can do about that.
I told this story to this unsuspecting Angel and one day, this necklace showed up in my mail. She didn’t have to send me anything, she didn’t have to do anything for me, her conversation that day was far far enough, but she sent me this and it has reminded me every day that my mom is nearby and at peace.
Thank you so much to the Angels out there that have such giant hearts. That care when they don’t have to. Love those that they don’t even know.
Just to bring peace to a broken heart.
I love that I think of you
In the moments that I am the most myself
In the moments that I am the most bare
In the moments that I am just me
You pop into my mind
I love that I think of you
In the moments that I am so passionate
When I sing my heart out
When I dance spontaneously
You pop into my mind
I love that I think of you
When I imagine strength
When I watch movies where a woman kicks ass
When I hear songs of a woman’s worth
I know you are near me
and, I will forever
Love that.
A few months ago, I saw a challenge going around from Rachel Hollis, the author of Girl, Wash Your Face called the “last90days”. Essentially it was giving us 90 days at the end of the year to create our good habits and break our bad ones before starting the “new year, new me” that we all try to do every time that New Year Ball drops at midnight.
At the end of last year, I wanted to get a group of my friends and really try to implement some of these healthy habits together. These friends of mine are strong, independent, amazing women, and I thought how awesome it would be to have some kind of pact together and support one another on these goals.
I will be honest, on my end, after a few weeks, I didn’t stay on as strong as I should have. I tried to continually check in with my friends, but I wasn’t keeping the promises I made to myself to be a better version of me. I wasn’t doing what I needed to do to be happier and healthier.
One of my friends, blogger of The Mombie Blog, posted recently that she wanted to really try and implement this 90 day challenge into this year and strive for a better year. I second that 12 month challenge.
In her post 12 month challenge she mentions Rachel Hollis’s “5tothrive” list and personalizes it to her own goals.
I will do the same…….
As of the new year, I have already been waking up earlier to have some time in the morning to myself. I work really early. My three days working in the hospital, I have to be there by 630am. Most of last year, and probably, let’s be honest, most of my life, I run late. I sleep late, I snooze my alarm, I keep my eyes closed for as long as possible before I jump out of bed and rush to work.
So, I really want the time to really relax into my day, drink some coffee, have a light snack, reflect on my goals for the day, and to put some make up on.
To achieve that, really my goal is to wake up at 430am on the days I work at the hospital. It is so hard to wake up that early, it truly is. But I’m really hoping that I can push myself until it becomes a natural thing. I also work at a laser clinic about twice a week, and I have to be there at 930am. So, I’ve been setting my alarm for 630am.
Working out for at least 30 min a day. I have to say that, in the past, I have been so on top of this. I worked out at least an hour a day, sometimes two, usually more cardio based. But as of late, since picking up the second job and not having a car anymore, I can’t make it to my favorite class, I haven’t found the motivation yet to force myself after work EVEN THOUGH MY GYM IS WALKING DISTANCE FROM MY APARTMENT.
Okay, I know, I will definitely have to make at least the treadmill for 30 min a goal for every single day. Tired is not an option.
Drinking half my weight in oz of water a day is a lot harder than it sounds. I’m not exactly sure how much I weigh right now because my batteries in my scale are dead and I haven’t bought any to replace them. Maybe subconsciously, I don’t want to know lol.
I am going to guess I weigh close to 165, that’s about 80oz of water a day. I have a 40oz hydro flask, which I LOVE, but I gotta work on finishing 2 of those by the end of the day. If I’m honest, I have hardly been finishing 20oz.
Give up a food category. Not too bad, I did it before and saw results pretty quickly. I will give up carbs. I love rice, I can practically eat rice with anything, but, I’ve seen the difference it makes when I truly limit my carbs and I can do it again. I think under 40g a day is the goal.
At the end of my day, which, with both jobs, I get home around 800pm. My goal is to be in bed by 11pm, if possible. That gives me 3 hours to get a work out in, prep my lunch and uniform for the next day, shower and write a little to reflect on my day and gratitude.
Wake up 2 hours before my shift starts
Work out at least 30 min every day
Drink 80oz of water a day
Give up carbs, at least stay under 40g
List my gratitudes for my day
Whatever your goals are for 2019, if you feel like you failed 2018 or rocked it, go into 2019 with the mindset that you will make a difference. Remind yourself that no one is perfect and effort and intention is really what makes the difference in achieving your goals.
And love yourself, because out of all the things that I have learned in my life thus far, it’s that loving yourself is the first thing that you need to accomplish before you could even dream of being happy. You need to love yourself to be the best version of you for the people you care about.
With the hustle and bustle of the holidays, there are so many different things to think about and worry about. Traveling, gifts, money, time, family….. This Christmas my boyfriend and I road tripped five hours to spend time with my family. His sister from New Jersey that he hadn’t seen in thirteen years came with us. We really wanted to show her a good time and to take her around. We were so busy trying to fit in as much as possible in the few days we had.
On the way to my Mom’s family Christmas Dinner, like a semi just ran me over, I was overwhelmed with the reminder that my last Christmas with my mom was at this house. To the shock of my boyfriend, I couldn’t stop the tears from falling. I remember my mom sitting at the dinner table laughing, I remember taking pictures together and telling stories. I remember being able to cuddle together.
And then there are things I really wish I could remember.
They say that over time, the pain of losing a love one subsides.
Some say, it never does.
For me, I feel like, the realization of losing her has slowly become more apparent. Maybe the initial heartbreak doesn’t feel as sharp, but I get waves of sadness. I will feel anger, confusion, disbelief.
If there is anything that I have learned from this experience, if there is any message that I could pass on to everyone out there reading this, my loved ones, strangers…
Please listen…
There is no anger, grudge, or fight that will matter once that person is gone. I guarantee that once you lose that person, any negative feelings you might have felt will feel like a waste of time, waste of effort, waste of energy, when you could have spent the time in love and happiness.
My mom and I had a really close relationship, she was my best friend, but there were times that we didn’t agree with each other. Reading back through some past poems or diary entries, I was reminded of the times that we may have fought, or the times that I may have felt some type of negative way about her and it is all so pointless.
None of those grudges matter
None of those negative thoughts hold any weight
When the person you love is gone all that will matter is how much you love them, the time that you now know you won’t have with them, the wasted time that you spent thinking that there was always tomorrow.
So, use the time you have together to love each other. Make the time to visit, make the time to call, tell the people you love them when you get the chance.
And appreciate who they are to you.
Sometimes
I look out into the city
And I feel so immensely small
I think about all the stories left
To be told
I think about all the unheard
Teardrops
All the shoulderless cries
I see a husband
Fighting with his wife
I envision a teenager crying in her loneliness
I see a girl
Sitting in the middle of her room
Amidst all the mess
But I also see cuddles before an open fire
I hear whispers
I hear laughter
I look out into the city and
Although my world
Is
MY ENTIRE WORLD
It just really makes me see
That it’s so very little
In the grand scheme of things
Sitting upon the dock one day
I stared out into the ocean
Deep blue waters
Swelling with each wave
And appeared such a notion
The fear of what is down there
Underneath the billowing sea
The fear of what is buried, deep inside of me
What creatures linger ?
What monsters hide ?
As I cry my tears into the brine
What may jump out as the waves flux in ?
Flux out?
What secrets lie in that sharp-toothed mouth?
As I stare forward into the offing
See the tide rise
And rise
I think about the ways
I am like the ocean
About the deep things
That I hide inside
I think about how the current washes up
The undesirables
And the depth
renders them untouchable
they feed and they grow
yet they lay dormant
undetectable
Sitting upon the dock that day, I feel the waves rock me
to and fro
I wonder what the ocean thinks of me
knowing all I know
Odd that it seems like a place of perfection
Empty valley
Like a cave within the ground
High walls made of grass
Sun touching every surface
Except the one place right in the middle
One tree
Providing much needed protection from the light
I want to lay there
I want to lay there all day
With my dog
And a ball
Finally!!! We Win!!!
This is a product review as well as a life lesson.
Okay, the reality is, I live in an older apartment building and after moving in, we realized, that we moved into a place that already heavily populated; Buggies, Roaches, Ruthless Survivors. It is an embarrassing situation to be in, I have to be honest. It was driving me insane. We tried everything.
We tried camphor
We tried raid
We tried roach motels
We spent a lot of money covering all cracks and holes and painted over it all
We had a monthly sprayer come in
We tried diatomaceous earth
NOTHING WORKED
I was feeling so very defeated
I was feeling like the only solution left was to abandon ship and move
I was told about this stuff called Advion Cockroach Bait. I bought it on amazon for about $20. I was skeptical at first, because I had tried something in the same family previously, and it didn’t work. But I have to give everything a try.
So, first try. The gel looked a bit dark. It is given to you in a syringe looking applicator. I put it everywhere. The Gel was a bit ugly to look at once applied. It dried a dark brown and if you over apply, it drips.
Anyway,
This first attempt was a fail, I really didn’t see much improvement. I didn’t see the miracle that the reviews were spouting. But I already had a second round on it’s way in the mail.
The second attempt, was completely different. I thought
“Hell, why not”
This batch looked different. It was a beige color and seemed a tad thicker. It dried tan as well, and make sure you put it places where gravity won’t take its toll because once it hardens, it doesn’t necessarily stick as well, and some of my lines of application fell off the corners I placed them in.
Let me tell you…this batch was a miracle worker.
Just as the reviews stated, the day after I set the bait down, the roaches were eating it and dying. As gross as this might sound, it was like a roach graveyard on my floor and any roaches that were still alive, were walking around like they were zombies.
It has been about a week since I put the bait down and I haven’t seen any live roaches. Even after the dark and turning on the light, NOTHING.
I’m sure I will have to periodically continue to lay this bait down, because this must be an apartment wide problem considering the age of the building. But the fact that they were gone in a week is amazing.
What this has taught me in life, is that, you may get to the point where you feel fully defeated. The point where you just want to throw your hands up and say, “fine, you win, I give up”
You may have contributed to it or it could completely be outside forces that you cannot help.
But don’t give up.
Because there will finally be that moment where you triumph over the hardships……
and have a home free of roaches.
When you saw the world as beautiful
then watched it tear right down the seams
Nothing is ever as beautiful
As you hoped for it to be
She said your name yesterday
I had forgotten about the good days
Four years had already passed
I didn’t think of us much
Memories were filtered by my teeth
As I vented back then
about the days my heart broke
The disgusting taste that was left on my tongue
As I flossed the plaque away
The tears
Salty
hypertension
Carotid artery disease
As the poison clogged
the path in which my blood
Could run
Restricted blood flow
I once couldn’t breathe
then I found happiness
Living in the life
That was void of
You
but
she said you name yesterday
She reminded me of the way
We spent every lazy day
She reminded me of the way
We cuddled on the couch
movie after movie
Of the way you caressed my cheek in the middle of a party
To make sure I knew I was loved
I remembered how you stayed in bed with me until I fell asleep
Even when you had company
You were never afraid to hold my hand
You were proud to call me yours
You were dangerous
and it was good for me
Like comfort food
You were a fireplace
And a warm blanket
But you were lightning
As well as thunder
I didn’t know you would cause my storm
I said your name to her yesterday
I really had forgotten about the good days
And for a moment
She made me forget all about the bad
But you did cause my storm
Your fire burned down my home
And I built my new life
Without you
Sincerely,
An introverted dreamer that doesn’t want her madness to be silenced 💋
This wasn’t her first time
She knew what she was doing to herself
What she didn’t know was what she was doing to the ones around her
She looked back at a text message
“I can’t do this anymore”
Unrecognizable
She asks
“Did I write this? When?!”
He tells her
“Right before”
He tried to persuade her to eat a little more
“I’m depressed”
She says
He puts her favorite show
She reaches out her hand to feel his skin
He tries so hard to stay reassuring
The way he looks at her while she’s sleeping
The sadness in his eyes
Longing for the woman he fell in love with
The wish that he could take her pain away
He loves her so much
She knows she loves him too
Just sometimes
Her depression doesn’t let it matter
I want to highlight this exceptional woman. She is superwoman. She just started her blog, and every post has been honest and raw. She is a fellow anxiety survivor. She is a mom sharing her journey. She has blown me away and I want you to be able to love and appreciate her as well.
“Ugh, there you go crying again.”
“I’m tired and I don’t care.”
“Leave me alone stop talking to me, I have work in the morning and I don’t wana hear it.”
“Your a cry baby, full of drama, everyone says it, everyone talks about it.”
“There you go again saying crazy stuff that doesn’t make sense”
“IT’S YOUR FAULT YOU DO THIS ON YOUR OWN!”
“I DONT CARE!”
“You choose to argue, you choose to act crazy”
“You just want to pick a fight”
“Ughhhhhh leave me alone and don’t bother texting me tomorrow apologizing”
“You choose to be like this”
“What do you want!”
“Stop yelling and leave me alone”
“Your fine”
“Take your pills”
“Relax”
“Go lay down”
“Go to you mom’s house and cry to your parents”
I’m sorry I don’t know how to unload my anxiety
I’m sorry I want to Express myself so my chest…
View original post 90 more words
I received this message this morning as I woke up and the feeling of constant dread that I have had since taking my NCLEX suddenly faded away. This journey to my RN has been an extremely long one. Not just the prerequisite classes that I was taking in my early twenties, but from the beginning of my RN program to now has been a long road filled with ups and downs.
I moved to Southern California away from anyone that I knew to start my nursing program. It was me and my dog, five hours away from where we had previously been calling home. Small studio, no kitchen. My makeshift kitchen was in a small room that I also installed a closet rod in. I hadn’t thought about it at the time, but it ended up being a VERY bad idea, considering my clothes now smelled of anything I was cooking. I slept on an air mattress for months and struggled to wash dishes in a bathroom sink. It was a challenge for sure, but I didn’t care. I found a job, I was starting nursing school, I was independent, and I was PROUD of myself.
I thought to myself.
“I AM DOING IT”
At that time in my life, I just left a relationship of seven years. I dropped my mom at the airport to move to the Philippines a couple months prior. I physically had never been more alone. I was heartbroken, I was anxious at a new job, and I was excited/stressed about managing my first semester. BUT
I WAS DOING IT
I was finding a way to wake up every morning and be positive. I was finding a way every day to earn my own trust. To learn what it meant to be truly in charge of my own life and focus on me and my well being. I was happy. I was learning how to live my life.
Fast forward a bit, I went through an eviction, repo, heartbreak, frustration, complications with paperwork and school. I went through sleep deprivation, getting laid off from my first hospital job after almost 2 years.
This year alone, I lost my mom super unexpectedly, had 2 car accidents, had a car stolen .
BUT
This journey also brought me love and friendships, adventures, the triumphs after the struggles.
It brought me a new level of self awareness.
This year alone, I graduated from nursing school, went to my little brothers wedding,
PASSED MY NCLEX
My dreams are slowly but surely becoming reality. My list of goals are being checked off.
DONE … AND DONE!
I want to tell anyone out there that has a dream. No matter the circumstances, no matter the hardships, or the roadblocks… you can do it. You can accomplish it. It may take you longer than expected, things may even feel as though they are getting thrown in your path just to make you fail, but, If you want it bad enough, if you love yourself enough to trust in your dream and put you plan into action, you can do it.
There were times that I felt like, everything was just too much. But then I would think..
“If I don’t continue this path to my giant goal, where I am right now, is the best I am ever going to get. This day that I am having RIGHT NOW is going to be the same day I will have for the rest of my life. NO… I don’t want to live this struggle forever.. and that is exactly what I will have to do if I give up”
If your goal is to not work your 9-5 and be your own boss
If your goal is to find a job you love with the talents that GOD has blessed you with
If your goal is to spend more time at home with your family, not missing your daughter’s school play because you had to work overtime
All you have to do is to put that plan in action and ask yourself….
“This feeling of being unhappy, being not content with life, is this the way I am willing to feel for the rest of my life?”
If the answer is NO
Then move your butt and put your plan in action.
A lot of people that I have met, when I tell them that I moved from Northern California alone to LA for school, have said…
“You are so brave”
“You are so strong”
“You have guts”
It means the world to me. But to be honest, being afraid was never a thought that crossed my mind. Needing to feel fear was never in the vicinity of my thought process for this particular decision because it is what I needed to do.
Goal : be a nurse
Step 1. GET INTO NURSING SCHOOL
I did
Step 2. Go to nursing school
Ok
There was no “ifs ands or buts” about any of it. So when I say go for it. Because you can do it…. I truly mean… GO FOR IT
Passing this test has meant a lot to me. It means that all the hard work I put in, all the struggles were worth it. But it is also all very bittersweet. My mom was suppose to be here to see me pass this test. I want anything in the world to be able to call her and tell her that I passed. I want to hear her scream on the other end of the phone and laugh and tell me “congrats babygirl”. I want so much to hear her say that she’s coming home and that we will celebrate.
I know that she’s around me, that she’s proud of me, that she is just as excited as I am, I just wish I could hug her and hold her hand.
I want to thank my mom, for always and forever being my cheerleader. Through all of my life decisions she had her opinion. But she also had my back. She was always the first to say she loved me and the first to tell me she was proud of me. She never skipped a beat to uplift me as a child, tell me how smart I was and that I could be anything I put my mind to. She taught me to dream and to love and all I can say is Thank you for everything. I love you.
I want to thank the rest of my family as well, my dad, my aunts and uncles, my siblings, my boyfriend. For being there for me when times were tough. For having the faith in me, that I could accomplish big things, for loving me unconditionally, even when I made decisions that made them shake their heads. I am a better person because I have all of you in my life. I can’t wait to celebrate this WIN with you. I love you all.
For those of you that don’t know what the NCLEX is, it is a giant test that stands between you and your dream of being a nurse. It is a test to verify that you have enough knowledge in that pretty little noggin’ of yours to provide safe and quality care to your patients. It is a test that is the real finish line in the race you started when you began nursing school. And it’s a hard one. Your test can be 75 questions long, or it can be over 200 questions long, all depending on how well you are answering them. You will get questions that give you 5 right answers, you just have to pick the best one and hope that the right answer you picked is the right answer for the test. It is a $500 test that, if you do not pass, you have to wait 3 months before you can take it again. It is scary.
So my test is scheduled for October 18th, and a couple of months ago, I was fine, confident. I wasn’t worried. Life had thrown me plenty curveballs already this year, and I thought, “all I have left to do to get myself out of this hole, is to pass this test”.
And then came my fender bender, a week later, a car stolen that we had to pay $600 dollars to get out of a tow yard even though it was missing tires, seats, steering wheel, etc. Now, a month later and we have another accident.
This year, my friends, besides the fact that I graduated nursing school and was able to see my little brother get married, has quite possibly been one of the most stressful and depressing years of my life. So much of me wishes that I could just pause life for a moment and take a breath. But life doesn’t work that way. Here I am, tonight, sick, 2 days of studying lost because of whatever bug I’m battling, 1000 more questions of studying that I need to do and more because I am not confident I will pass yet, receiving breaking news that our only car was rendered useless. I am not sure how I will get to work on Thursday. It is just too much. But I have to get it done.
I literally have 8 days left to study and 3 of those are work days. I feel like I should move my test maybe. But maybe I shouldn’t. I don’t know.
Anyway, I’m writing because I am overwhelmed.
I wanted to semi document my journey through nursing school, but I never did. I wanted to document my journey for this NCLEX, but I don’t know what to say really.
Okay, here is what I have to say.
In real time, real feelings, honesty,
A month ago, I had a long list on my to-do list. After graduation, I just wanted to accomplish it all. I wanted to stay strong with water intake, daily workouts, eating right. I wanted to meal prep, and cook, and lose weight. I wanted to study for my test and pass. I wanted to start writing more.
But it felt like I was failing at EVERYTHING
There was so much on my plate that everything was dying. What is that phrase? About spreading yourself too thin, or watering too many plants that you don’t give one enough water to survive?
Whatever
You get my point
I decided a few weeks ago that I had to drop every other goal for now so that I could focus on my exam. My anxiety was getting heightened and the overloaded plate was making my panic attacks come back. So I decided “F the eating right, F the weight gain, F the workouts” I need to study and only study until this test is behind me.
Viola!
Weight lifted off my shoulders. Granted, I’m gaining weight, my skin is a mess, my apartment, I can’t see the floor of.
But I’m happier and no more panic attacks.
Still stressed out, still worried about not passing this test. But at least I’m not spontaneously crying anymore.
For anyone reading this, for anyone with a list of goals, for anyone with anxiety.
Sometimes, you feel like you have to be superwoman. Sometimes, you feel like you have to be perfect; the perfect girlfriend, the perfect employee, the perfect housemate, perfect woman. You want that perfect body and perfect skin.
But sometimes, you have to be okay with not being perfect. You have to be okay with saying it’s too much and you have to live within imperfection for a while. You have to let yourself breathe and take care of yourself.
When I told some people that I was going to throw everything out of the window and just focus on studying, most of my feedback, was “why?! You can do it, you can eat right, and work out, and study, and come to work, just do __, __, and ___” and it made me think for a moment, maybe I am taking an easy road out, maybe I am being lazy…..NO
I saw what it was
