Calm your worries and feed your dreams
original post: And Her Name Is…
Again, it’s impossible to get anyone to understand what anxiety feels like, when you don’t suffer from it yourself. This is my struggle with anxiety, with the evil whispers that anxiety likes to speak on a daily basis and the fight to keep my anxiety under control.
She was always “the one that got away”
The one that loved until her heart bled dry
The one that gave and gave
Until even her capillaries collapsed from being hollow
.
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She was always the one that held on too long
Until her calloused hands gave way
Until her knees buckled from the weight
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She was always the one that felt a hand reach out for her
As soon as she was just out of reach
The one that heard her name being called from the tree tops
As she ventured out of the city
The one that saw fireworks spelling out her name
As she rode her own self out into the sunset
.
.
Because she never needed anyone to take her on that bike
She never depended on anyone to keep her warm
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She was a fire all on her own
.
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She may have been directionally challenged
But give her the tools and by God she will find herself exactly where she needed to be
.
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She was always “the one that got away”
Because the men in her life didn’t know whether to fan her fire
Or deprive her of the oxygen to shine
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The men in her life were either terrified that beside her,
She would either burn much brighter
Or push them to ignite their own
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And neither option ever felt right for them at the time
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She was always “the one that got away”
Because once she decided she was done
She was never turning back
She was never refueling her heart for the same drive
.
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And the men in her life thought that
She would always be there to pick them up when they fell
.
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In every love story, she was never replaceable
Her fire burned a different shade of bright
.
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In every love story,
The new, the next, and the right after
Sat dim in comparison to her
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In every love story,
They looked for her
They cried for her
They feened for her
They hungered for every bit of love she fed them
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Because you never know what you have lost
Until it’s really gone
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You never know what you have lost
Until you tasted and nothing tastes as sweet
Until you have hugged and no one is as warm
Until you have tried and realized that no one else
Compares
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And you fear you will see her hand in hand
With someone that appreciates her
With someone that loves her
With someone that is ready to fan her fire
And ignite his own
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Because that is exactly who she needs
When a fire shines that bright
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A man who wants to feed her fire
Not because she needs him to
Not because she will wither away without him
But because he is fueled by her beauty
He shines just as bright without her
But glows with her by his side
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When fire meets fire
She is no longer “the one that got away”
He is no longer the hands that got burned by her flame
They are no longer fires at either end waiting
For who will survive without oxygen the longest
.
.
Because their flame shines brighter with them together
Their fire brightens the pathway forward
Their fire pushes the darkness away from their souls
.
.
She is no longer “the one that got away” because
She is shining
She is loving
She is HERE
.
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Neversilencethemadness.com
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#bloggerstyle #blogger #poetry #poemsofinstagram #poetrylovers #poet #spokenword
ORIGINAL POST: WHEN YOU THINK YOU SEE ME….
My attempt at doing the impossible, getting people that don’t have anxiety or panic attacks, to understand what it may feel like. Especially since so many people that suffer with anxiety have the capability to appear completely fine, while they struggle within.
She thought she knew what she wanted
She thought that it was all planned out and laid out in front of her
The hopeless romantic in her, told her that she would fall in love
She would get the ring, she would get married, have the babies, live in the beautiful home with her family and her dogs
.
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One broken heart after another
She began to retreat a little bit further
.
.
Maybe it was the amount of times her heart broke
Maybe it was a defense mechanism building a wall around that heart
Maybe time made her begin to lose patience
.
.
But she began to feel as though
Maybe she didn’t want that dream anymore
.
.
Maybe that dream was never meant for her
.
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It was an endless disappointment every time she fell in love without bearing the fruit of the future
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It was an expectation that she was exhausted from wanting to fulfill
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She wanted it so badly, she decided she didn’t want it at all
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I mean, what was it all really?
Besides money on a finger, besides signatures on a paper
Maybe there were more cons than pros anyway
It’s not like any of it meant promises wouldn’t be broken on a future day
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Maybe she had just become jaded
Maybe fear had taken over
That maybe vows meant nothing to her future lover
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Either way
She couldn’t tell if it was frustration or sadness
Desperation or fear
whatever it was
.
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She wanted it so badly, she decided
.
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She really didn’t want any of it, anymore
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Neversilencethemadness.com
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#bloggerstyle #blogger #poetry #poemsofinstagram #poetrylovers #poet #spokenword
I was struggling here lol but ….. Love the song .. so .. eh… here it is …
All I ask – Adele
There are so many things in this life that I’d love to do, but feel so shy to do, scared to do, timid to do. Little by little I have broken through small hurdles.. and today, I wanna try to jump over another one.
All my life, I have loved singing. I would sing karaoke through the night, as long as I thought no one could hear me. As soon as I heard a door creak, my throat would close, and I couldn’t get a note out. I would say, the only person that has heard me sing at the top of my lungs is my partner. Thank goodness, 🙏 he allows me to sing through all the road trips, through all the cleaning days without judging me, without complaining that I’m an ear sore 😝.
He make me feel so comfortable to be my 100% true self. Open, vulnerable, raw. I am in no way, a great singer lol, but I love to sing, I love listening to the passions in others’ voices and I wish that for myself. My partner encourages me to love myself and my passions, he is super supportive with the things I do end up trying.
Anyway… Here I am, working up the courage to do something I’m afraid of. I still feel shy recording myself singing, I’m terrified to make it public lol. But …. why not… live my life, love myself, and stop holding back.
original poem : BROKEN PIECES
Sometimes, we feel like we have been through so much in our life that we broken.
Sometimes, we meet that person that wants to be there to hold your hand while you heal
and sometimes, I think we worry that those burdens are just way too much for our loved ones to hold on to with you and in reality, it isn’t anyone else’s responsibility to heal you.
but sometimes we meet that person that wants to hold your hand while you heal despite the difficulties, despite tears, because they love you.
He listened to her intently as the tears fell from her cheeks
He stared at her bewildered as she gasped for breaths between words
Had he known that his choices at the precipice of her love would break her even 20 years into the future, he might have chosen differently
.
.
But would he really?
.
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As she lay, curled into the blanket, limbs writhing from the pain radiating from her heart, from the memories of her past, he stood there, mouth gaping wide
.
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How could he have been so careless?
How could he take her gentle soul and defame it ?
How could he take all the love she gave him and set it down as if it wasn’t the most precious gift she could have offered?
.
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“Your love traumatized me” she wailed
“I gave you every part of me” she groaned
.
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As she doubled over in pain, in weakness, in horror
There was nothing he could do but place a hand on her shoulder for comfort
.
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She was right
.
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Every way that he had fractured her heart initiated the deep cracks that still find themselves way too difficult to heal
.
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No matter what she did to smooth out the edges, fill in the holes
No matter what man came to her with love and praise and affection
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She was never able to satiate the ache her heart felt
.
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His words echoed in every future relationship
His doubt and hesitation manifested into her fear for the future
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And with each failed love story, she felt increasingly defeated
.
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A little more hopeless
A little more helpless
A little more pessimistic
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But his love story, their love story
Will always be the love story that broke her
.
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Their love story will always be the one that started it all
Their love story will always be the one that took her gentle soul, her innocent love, and her forgiving heart and crushed it, demolished it, tarnished it
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He wished with every fiber of his being that he could rewrite their love story
That he could erase the pain
That he could heal her broken parts
.
.
But a love story cannot be rewritten, it cannot be unwritten
She just has to find a way to give herself the happy ending that she knows she deserves on her own
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Neversilencethemadness.com
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#bloggerstyle #blogger #poetry #poemsofinstagram #poetrylovers #poet #spokenword
I Found a Boy- Adele
There are so many things in this life that I’d love to do, but feel so shy to do, scared to do, timid to do. Little by little I have broken through small hurdles.. and today, I wanna try to jump over another one.
All my life, I have loved singing. I would sing karaoke through the night, as long as I thought no one could hear me. As soon as I heard a door creak, my throat would close, and I couldn’t get a note out. I would say, the only person that has heard me sing at the top of my lungs is my partner. Thank goodness, 🙏 he allows me to sing through all the road trips, through all the cleaning days without judging me, without complaining that I’m an ear sore 😝.
He make me feel so comfortable to be my 100% true self. Open, vulnerable, raw. I am in no way, a great singer lol, but I love to sing, I love listening to the passions in others’ voices and I wish that for myself. My partner encourages me to love myself and my passions, he is super supportive with the things I do end up trying.
Anyway… Here I am, working up the courage to do something I’m afraid of. I still feel shy recording myself singing, I’m terrified to make it public lol. But …. why not… live my life, love myself, and stop holding back.
original poem : I May Be Nothing But a Stranger
People cross our paths every day whether it’s a lasting relationship, first and only impression, or a person meant to change our route and walk away. We never know what someone else is going through. The least we can offer anyone in this world, is compassion. We need to have love, spread love, give love, to be able to be someone that is capable of receiving love in return.
Once upon a time
He swam to her
They locked arms
And she grew
.
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She grew
She grew
.
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She surprised her makers with a hello
She wasn’t planned and
They didn’t know how to take the news
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She was fighter
She lived through the doctors visits
Her heart beat for her another day
So excited for life
She left her home a month early
Her landlord, not a word to say
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She was loved, she knew
But unwanted, she felt
Each morning she feared the ridicule
Each night she shuffled the cards she was dealt
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Every moment that she had a breath to take
She feared the choices that she would ultimately have to make
To stand up for the person she knew she was
To stand up to the people who were suppose to show her love
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She met him
They locked arms
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.
She grew
She grew
She grew
.
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He took her away from home
Saved her
But broke her too
.
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With him
She began to learn what it meant to be herself
.
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Wanting to be loved
But he reinforced the doubt she felt
.
.
It imprinted on her
Like the skin she lives in
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Penetrated her mind
Inhabited the dreams she slept with
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She lived her life onward
Pushed through
Defeated
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She made sure
It was never a man she needed
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She poured out her heart
Giving all her love
To those she cared for
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From those she loved
She never expected more
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She wondered sometimes
Why the journey
Played out the way it did
.
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Why one survived
And the other one didn’t
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She questioned sometimes
Her purpose
Her place in this time
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She wondered
When the chaos would end
She wondered
When peace would take over her life
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The question remains
And she may not ever know
.
.
But for the first time
Since she was a little girl
She saw the treasure waiting for her
At the end of the rainbow
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Neversilencethemadness.com
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#bloggerstyle #blogger #poetry #poemsofinstagram #poetrylovers #photgraphy
Just a poem about a woman who lost her son in one of the most unimaginable heartbreaking ways and the way that she still smiles toward the world and tries to carry on with her life. We never know the hurt that is going on within someone else. So, let’s all please be kind, love, allow yourself to be loved, and ask for the help when you need it. ❤️
original poem : Dimples, Deep as the Oceans
When his lips touched yours
All the wailing cries from every heartbreak
Were sucked out of your body
Like a cleansing of your soul
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When your fingers touched,
Every tear you cried became the fuel for a better tomorrow
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When you handed him you heart, he buffed out all the imperfections
Left by the men that couldn’t handle you
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And he gave it back nearly perfect
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He made you believe that you were his forever
He made you believe that he was yours too
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The happiness in your smile makes me believe
That you thought he would never leave you
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He spoke to you of all the ways
And all the ways
And all the ways
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He spoke to you of the future
And all the days
And the way he would stay.
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He held your hand and you thought
“This warmth could survive me through a winter storm”
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You wouldn’t imagine life without him anymore
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Yes, he made you believe
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That it was you and him forever
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You couldn’t have known that it would be your last December
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When he walked away so suddenly, your heart was ripped entirely from your chest
He promised you so much more
He handed you so much less
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He made you believe you were his forever
He made you believe he was yours too
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Then you were stuck in the sidelines as he rode away with her to get away from you
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As he rode into the sunset with his new love between his arms
You were deserted, deflated, embarrassed, appalled
Because the one you loved so quickly
Never really loved you at all
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Neversilencethemadness.com
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#bloggerstyle #blogger #poetry #poemsofinstagram #poetrylovers #poet
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There are so many things in this life that I’d love to do, but feel so shy to do, scared to do, timid to do. Little by little I have broken through small hurdles.. and today, I wanna try to jump over another one.
All my life, I have loved singing. I would sing karaoke through the night, as long as I thought no one could hear me. As soon as I heard a door creak, my throat would close, and I couldn’t get a note out. I would say, the only person that has heard me sing at the top of my lungs is my partner. Thank goodness, 🙏 he allows me to sing through all the road trips, through all the cleaning days without judging me, without complaining that I’m an ear sore 😝.
He makes me feel so comfortable to be my 100% true self. Open, vulnerable, raw. I am in no way, a great singer lol, but I love to sing, I love listening to the passions in others’ voices and I wish that for myself. My partner encourages me to love myself and my passions, he is super supportive with the things I do end up trying.
Anyway… Here I am, working up the courage to do something I’m afraid of. I still feel shy recording myself singing, I’m terrified to make it public lol. But …. why not… live my life, love myself, and stop holding back.
I wrote this poem back in 2016, after moving to LA from Northern California. I came here for Nursing School and I made the move all alone. I walked away from a long term relationship because he wasn’t ready to make the move with me and that left me feeling very confused. I was proud of myself for making the move, for my future, for my well being. I was excited because I was beginning this new chapter of my life filled with growth and it was a road I knew without a doubt that I wanted to take, but walking away from someone that I had spent the last 6 years with in the same breath, was heartbreaking. The first year or two in LA was a time for rediscovery. I was learning how to live my life for myself and not having to worry about another persons needs. For the first time in my life, I was only needing to care about what I wanted and what I needed. But I was left with insecurities that ran deep into my childhood and were reinforced by a relationship that didn’t work. That’s when I found my passion in dancing again and I realized within those years how much dancing filled me with happiness, and confidence. It took time before I was able to slowly break free from some of the constraints I had within myself, but I owe all of it to music, dance, and a special someone that never gave up on me. In the moments that I was at my lowest, I had someone new in my life that never let me feel the insecurities that weighed me down. When I didn’t have the confidence to shake the thoughts off, he was there to remind me of how amazing he thought I was. Eventually, I began to believe it.
It’s amazingly true, that positive affirmations can change your mindset and change your life. Even when I struggled to believe ALL the things, he pushed me to say them over and over again. He made me believe them, and eventually I rediscovered the love that I had for myself.
I still struggle on a daily with insecurities, with anxiety. I still question myself and have doubts. I still keep myself in a bubble and shy away from things that I enjoy because of my own fears of letting loose. But I work on it every day as well. I have a supportive partner that encourages me to love myself and reminds me of all my potential. Every day, I hope to rediscover more about myself, love more about myself, and break away from the bubble I keep myself in. Every day is a new chance for change and growth that I hope to continue for the rest of my life.
original poem : Rediscovery
I know your heart aches for him hun
But he is no longer yours to love
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I’m sorry that he rode past you in the sunset
I’m sorry that he made you feel as though you weren’t enough
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He took the little pieces of your broken heart, sewed them back together
Just to take that seam apart
His bear hands with a ripper
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I know you love him babe
But his heart belongs to someone else
He took his heart
Placed it in her hands
The cards that he holds
Are the cards that he’s been dealt
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You need to let him go, love
His hands are no longer the hands for you to grasp when you are afraid
Because when she becomes lonely
her body is where his hands lay
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women move on when they are ready
Not a second too soon, not a moment too late
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But hun, you cannot fight what is fate
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There is so much more to life, love
You will find the one that wants you near
.
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But he is not the one you are searching for
The love of your life, is not him, my dear
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Neversilencethemadness.com
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#bloggerstyle #blogger #poetry #poemsofinstagram #poetrylovers #poet
I’ve always LOVED listening to spoken word. Some really amazing poets have made me cry my eyes out with their beautiful words and the way that they convey those emotions in spoken word. I have been shy my entire life and things that I am passionate about are things that I find difficult to be open and vulnerable in. I decided to start recording my poems starting from the first one I have posted here on my blog.
I have always been super uncomfortable on camera especially on video, but I want to start breaking out of my little shy bubble and trying different things for my own self growth and self love.
This is my first time recording a poem like this, so please be gentle. One day I hope to be able to not be so shy and perform my poetry with the emotions that I feel with them…. until then… here I go…..
original poem : Don’t lift me up to drop me
A lot happened in the short amount of time between when my grandma got sick and when I lost her. The timeline is something that I feel like I will forever hold dear. In my last full conversation with my grandmother, she spontaneously called my sister and I on video chat and she talked to us while I was on my way to work. She spoke of all the things she normally mentioned, we said our goodbyes, we told her we loved her and that we would talk to her later.
The thing that I thought was odd about that goodbye, was that she asked me to call her on my break. She never asked me to call her that quickly. She would usually say something to the effect of “call me later, talk to you soon” but she never told me to call her on my lunch break. I didn’t think too much of it, but the next time I was able to really talk to her, she was on oxygen. We spoke for a moment, she was able to talk to me, but I could tell it was hard for her to speak for very long, so I told her to rest and that I would call her again soon. She gained her wings a few days after that.
I fight tears typing this memory of my last moments with my Grandma because, like everyone I know that has lost a loved one, we wish we had more time, we wish the phone call was longer, we wish we could have visited one last time. I know that I called my grandma often, I know that I always made sure I told her how much I loved her, and how much I missed her, but I wish I could have done more.
She helped raise me my entire life. My memories of her are all good ones; rocking me on her legs when I was sick, hanging out with me at the mall. She would always stop at McDonald’s and get a fish filet with fries and no salt with a Diet Coke. It wasn’t until I became an adult that I realized it was never called a fish filet, and that it was called “filet of fish”. She would walk me to the library as a kid and feed my love of books. We would go to random stores and she would ask me to pick something out that I wanted, and I was always browsing book stores for my next favorite read. We would sing karaoke together as my Grandpa would say we were out of tune 😂. I would help her with her little yard sales and packing her balikbayan boxes.
My Grandma held one of the biggest parts of my heart and losing her was something I feared for forever.
ANYWAY
The point of my post was not to reminisce about my Grandma, but to tell you about a dream I had after she passed away.
Whatever your spiritual or religious beliefs are, I have to say, there is definitely a common thread between people that have lost loved ones, and then dreaming of their loved ones saying goodbye.
A few days after losing my Grandma, I had a dream. I was being driven by someone on the backroad of somewhere. It was evening it seemed like. looked like a storm was coming but it wasn’t raining yet. I was thinking that I needed to find my Grandma because I knew she was leaving and I needed to see her before she left. I ended up catching her going in the opposite direction as I was on the road, and we flipped a U-turn and met up with my Grandma in some garage. We both got out of the car and hugged each other super tight. We were both crying and I was telling her
“I don’t want you to go home yet, I don’t want you to go”
and my Grandma replied “I have to go”
It was then that I woke up and I was balling my eyes out. The rest of that day was a hard day. But I knew that she was telling me goodbye. She was giving my soul a last hug from her. She was letting me know that everything was going to be okay.
I heard somewhere that when we lose loved ones, we are so saddened by that loss, we are sad for them. The reality is, when our loved ones gain their wings, they are at peace. They are surrounded by their lost loved ones. They are happy. The reason why we are so saddened is because we are sad for the moments we won’t have with them, the moments we will miss them, the moments we want them to have with us.
I am sure that our loved ones are sad to leave our physical world. but once they gain their wings, they can be with us always. They will be with us in all those moments, they are beside us when we need them most.
Maybe you don’t believe in the afterlife. Maybe you don’t believe in spirits or them being able to visit after death. But for me, I find comfort in knowing my Grandma reached out to me. She gave me a hug before she left. We cried together, we said goodbye. And she waits in heaven with Grandpa and her siblings, for the day that we are all together again.
I let her sleep because I know ..
when she’s awake her thoughts are a minefield
Speckled with all the moments that make her heart explode with sadness
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When she is caught dreaming
I let her enjoy those minutes
.
.
.
Because I know that the second she is awake
She is bombarded with a laundry list that she alone has made urgent
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I let her sleep because for a few short breaths
Her brows are unfurled
Her face, peaceful
And as soon as that is interrupted
The worry and anxiety creep in
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.
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Every “what if” is a scenario that has happened
All possibilities become fact
Intervened by the rational parts of her mind
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Her psyche
A sword fight
With no real winner
While she sits in the audience preparing for which
Long lost friend she will have to have to put to rest first
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Her body
Ready to fight
Her legs ready for flight
Adrenaline coursing through her veins
To save her from the unknown monster
She’s struggling with that day
.
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You see…
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I let her sleep because I love her
I let her sleep because there is only so much I can do to save her
There is only so much I can do to protect her
.
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.
And when I see her peaceful,
Even for just a moment,
I could never take that from her
.
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Neversilencethemadness.com
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#bloggerstyle #blogger #poetry #poemsofinstagram #poetrylovers
I understand why she wanted
To walk away from this world
Why, when death started knocking
She opened the door and let him in
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She was tired of all the moments that her heart broke
She was tired of mustering all her strength to put it back together
She was tired of the endless fear
The chipping away of her plaster encased heart
And the fragile contents within
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When death came knocking
She smiled and opened the door
“I’ve been waiting for you” she said
“Take me, death. I have grown impatient”
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What torture this life has been
The never ending strive for better
For happiness
For success
For love
For acceptance
For laughs
And hugs
And tender fingertips
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Passionate kisses were never so hard to find
.
.
.
And
A man that would throw her heart around
Was always around the corner
.
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But when morning comes
And the truth invades
She wished that she could not exist
She wished that she could tear through the temporary comfort that softened her fall
She wished she could rip through her own skin
Make herself inside out
Bleed until she slept an endless nap
She wanted to break faces
Hear her echoed screams
Burn a house down to its bones
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Why was life so difficult?
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Why was happiness a foreign language,
That surfaced so few and far between?
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She wanted it all to stop
Her worry
Her beating heart
Her fear
Her tears
.
.
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And then death came knocking at her door
She smiled her own mischievous smile
And said ..
“Take me”
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Neversilencethemadness.com
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#bloggerstyle #blogger #poetry #poemsofinstagram #poetrylovers
This book had been on my shelf for years now. I’ve meant to read it, and started it a few times. It wasn’t for lack lack on interest that I didn’t read it, I just found myself too busy to dive into an 800+ page book. Based in 1870s London, it is about a 19 year old whore working her way up in society. I can’t wait to finally get to finish it. Anyone what wants to read along with me… I’d love to Have you 💋
*fun fact : this was the book Emily Gilmore mentions in an episode of Gilmore Girls lol
When the music starts
I know where my feet will take me
.
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When the music ends
I know whose hands will lead me forward
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You are my strength
When my body feels weak
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I am your warmth
When your body feels cold
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I will dance with you forever
My love
.
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My fingers will always be there to interlace
With yours
.
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Like puzzle pieces created to fit
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Your hands on my waist
Your hands on my hips
.
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“When you dip, I dip, we dip”
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I will dance with you forever
My Love
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As long as the music plays
My feet will dance their way towards you
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But when the music ends
And all is eerily calm
.
.
When the room is empty
And all is gone
.
.
We will create the music to drive us
We will find the melody to take us home
.
.
Neversilencethemadness.com
.
.
#bloggerstyle #blogger #poetry #poemsofinstagram #poetrylovers #poet
As I sit here on my lunch break at work tonight
I dig into the first pot pie I’ve had in years
Daydream of my childhood
When my mom would make pot pies for dinner
When we had blueberry pie and vanilla ice cream for a treat
.
.
I didn’t know then
What a simple pot pie would mean to me now
.
.
I didn’t know before
The warmth of this pot pie
Would also bring warmth to my heart
.
.
Remembrance of the family I lost
The time we had together
The aroma of laughter
And a stomach full of stability and peace
.
.
Pot pies, apparently remind me of my mother
Of the days when she was my mommy
Of the long evenings playing in the backyard
Of the living room workouts
Of the halloween costumes that she would make from scratch
Of the movie dates
Of karate class
When she would cheer me on from the side lines hoping I would eventually throw a punch
Of the leotards for gymnastics
Of the cartwheels I couldn’t do
Of the long sushi lunch
.
.
It all reminds me of her
Of my little hand in hers
Of our chubby fingers
And our chubby toes
.
.
Laughing about the little things that only her and I know
.
.
Pot pies remind me a lot of my mother
.
.
When she would call us in for dinner
Dance her way around
With hugs strong enough to smother
.
.
When she would sit us all down
Sing her way to the freezer
And then surprise us with dessert
.
.
Neversilencethemadness.com
.
.
#bloggerstyle #blogger #poetry #poemsofinstagram #poetrylovers
Most days
I do the things I Love
I seek out the things that make me happy
I love the people around me that I hold dear
.
.
Most days
I dance because I love the music
I sing because I love the words
I cry because I feel the passion
.
.
Most days
I live my life
Go from point A to point B
Grateful for the day I have been given
Hopeful for tomorrow
Learning from the memory of my past
.
.
Most days
I inhale the beauty that this world places before me
I exhale the impossibles
And I get myself to tomorrow
.
.
But …..
.
.
Some days
I miss the comfort of being able to call you any time of the day
To hear your voice
To vent insecurities
To remind ourselves that we are queens
.
.
Some days
I really miss the road trips
The Cuddles
And hearing your laughter
I miss the way your hand held mine
The way your laughter turned your face red
And I could barely catch a glimpse of your eyes
.
.
Some days
I fear that I will never be able to laugh again
That I will forever only be able to giggle
That I will only have enough happiness in me to smile
.
.
Some days
I fear that I will never be whole
Because you are no longer with me
There will always be a veil of sadness
There will always be a piece missing
.
.
Most days, mother
I tell myself that everything happens for a reason
I find comfort in knowing that you are happy and at peace
Free of the stress and struggle that the physical world hands us
.
.
But some days, mother
My heart breaks from your absence
My heart aches for the future we will not have together
For the grandchildren you will not meet
For the dances we will not dance
Songs we will not sing
The unfinished dreams that you held in your pocket
That never got to see the light of day
.
.
Some days, mother
I miss you so terribly
I cannot believe that you are not here with me
But I get myself together
Wipe the tears
And I make it to tomorrow
He was foolish
.
.
He reeked of inexperience
.
.
Lacked the emotional wherewithal to create something worth while
.
.
But the look in his eyes said he wanted to try
.
.
The passion in his lips said inexperience in one doesn’t mean inexperience in all
.
.
He was an ASININE excuse for a partner
.
.
But as a lover, he was a 5 star vacation of a lifetime
.
.
He begged to prove he was more than face value
.
.
Climbed mountains to show he was more than skin deep
.
.
Ripped open his heart to prove to her that there was even a heart to see
.
.
She was foolish
.
.
She reeked of a woman with too much experience but a heart too big that none of it mattered
.
.
She lacked the emotional wherewithal to stand by her word
.
.
But the look in her eyes said she wanted to try
.
.
The ache in her heart meant she still had enough of one in there for one more heartbreak
.
.
But she was willing to put that piece of her heart in his hands and trust him not to crush it
.
.
She was an ASININE excuse for a partner
.
.
Because she was all-in with one foot out of the door at every moment
.
.
But as a lover, she was a 5 star vacation of a lifetime
.
.
She begged to prove that she was more than just broken pieces
.
.
She climbed mountains to show that the glue holding her together was strong enough to carry them both
.
.
Ripped open her heart to prove to him that there was enough in there to keep on loving
.
.
They were an ASININE excuse for partners
.
.
Love made them foolish, nonsensical lunatics
.
.
But as lovers they were a 5 star vacation of a lifetime
.
.
And at the end of that lifetime, who wouldn’t choose to live it as such?
.
.
In what love story, are there lovers that aren’t foolish, that haven’t lost their senses?
.
.
In what scenario does love not make you both a little crazy for each other?
.
.
I truly do not know, but if you ask them, they will tell you….
.
.
It is going to be hard, but most things Worth having usually are
.
.
True love, knocks us a little off our senses
.
.
But at the end of every day you just have to say
.
.
I choose you
Response to NEVER SILENCE THE MADNESS POETRY PROMPT “ASININE”
With every twist and turn
The world tried to tear them apart
.
.
Whispers that linger
Cuts that sting deep
.
.
The unforgiving movement
That made one nauseated while they sleep
.
.
Photographs
Pyrography etched into ones mind
.
.
Memories
The reality that there is never really time
.
.
But the universe is an implacable thing
With it’s mind made up
There is no real twisting and turning
.
.
Every bump in the road
Every detour
Every kink in the path
.
.
What is meant to be
Will be
And the universe will handle that
.
.
She is adamant, relentless
She is unforgiving when she knows what she wants
.
.
The universe doesn’t care which way the world tries to turn
She will spin it backwards and forwards
.
.
She will linger
She will haunt
.
.
She drowns out the whispers
Blows on the cuts
.
.
Navigates through the moments
When we all get a little lost
.
.
She is an implacable thing
.
.
And in the end
She always gets what she wants.
Response to Never Silence The Madness Poetry Prompt “implacable”
A few months ago, I started a book club, on FB called NEVER SILENCE THE MAD READER. As I was reading this particular book, our first book of the club, I realized it had so many large words that I had to look up. This was a very discouraging realization because in high school, I had so much pride in myself for being an avid reader. As an adult, I didn’t get the chance to read as much, but I didn’t think my vocabulary was as limited as it was. By the end of the first book, I chalked it up to the book itself. I mean, it was called “Special Topics in Calamity physics”, what else was I going to expect?
LOL a bunch of hard words…..
turns out…. It wasn’t the book, because come Decembers book, and I’m still writing down a long list of words I do not know hahaha
Anyway, I decided to write poems for each word to help me ingrain the definition into my mind. I thought it would help expand my apparently minuscule pool of vernacular. Once I started doing this, I thought, hey! why not start a poetry group and post poetry prompts, I’m already “prompting” myself, I’ll just share it, and others can join if they want to.
I started a poetry group on FB called NEVER SILENCE THE MAD POET and I began posting my word of the week or poetry prompts. I recently decided, I’ll try sharing it on here as well and 🙏 would love it if anyone would like to participate and tag their ping backs to #NSTMPP
This weeks poetry prompt will be the word “Asinine”
according to Merriam-webster:
1: extremely or utterly foolish or silly an asinine excuse
2: of, relating to, or resembling an ass
pingback to #NSTMPP
I’d love to read your work.
First, I want to say that, I have always loved reading. In high school I was always walking around with a book in my hand. A lot of times, I wasn’t paying attention in class because I was busy getting whisked away in another land. Falling in love with the characters in these books. As I got older, I found it harder and harder to read for pleasure. I was always busy studying and reading a textbook. This year is probably the year that I’ve read the most since high school and I am so proud of myself lol. I have “traveled” to New Orleans, Nigeria, New Salem. I have been shocked by family secrets, rooted for the underdog, and felt empowered by women and their magic. I have never done book reviews, so this will be a really rough summery of the books I’ve read this year, but I do hope to do this more often. So here it goes…..
IRON LACE
by Emilie Richards
This book weaves together two different generations, two different lifetimes, two different stories. We are introduced to our central character, Phillip Benedict. He’s a journalist that resides in Los Angeles, if you can call a studio with a hotplate, ‘residing’. He comes to New Orleans to visit his mother, a pretty well known Jazz singer in those parts. He has somewhat of a relationship with a beautiful woman named Belinda, but it is pretty obvious that commitment within many things aspects of his life is a difficult thing. Aurore Gerritsen, seeks out Phillip to get him to write her life story for her. She chose him for reasons that will eventually be revealed. She begins her story before she is even able to walk, and it already involved a love triangle, illegitimate children, and murder. It takes the entire book to unwind all of the lives that have been twisted together, all of the loss and the hurt. But in the end, there is relief that the truth is out there and hope that a family once torn apart, can be one day united.
I actually read this book in HS and loved it back then. I decided to reread it before I read the sequel. It is crazy how different you interpret things or how much more you understand from the characters, once you are an adult. I loved this book because it starts off with the drama and then builds the story around it. I love that the overall theme of this story is to take away segregation and unite as a family, no matter what the color of your skin is. There is a lot of history in this story about the riots and war on color at that time. Also, there is an undertone of coming up from nothing to being someone successful, none of which is determined by the amount of money that you make. One of the major loves, in my opinion is Aurore and Rafe. They did a lot to hurt each other, but underneath it all, it was misunderstandings and secrets that broke them. They really loved each other and it kills me even now, to think of how their story ended. There really is a lot more depth here than I am able to speak on. There is racism and sexism and clear segregation of society. It is a lot to unpack, but I did enjoy the book then and I enjoyed it again this year.
Rising Tides
by Emile Richards
Rising Tides begins with the death of Aurore Gerritsen and the reading of her will. She left specific rules to be carried out, everyone listed in the will must stay to hear the entire will over the course of four days and stay together at her summer house in Louisiana or else they will not receive their share. During these four days, more secrets are revealed, relationships patched, marriages broken.
We see Phillip Benedict again, as well as his mother Nicky and her partner. Aurora’s son with his wife and daughter were there although, he really didn’t want to be. I don’t have too much to say about book. I loved it because it was a continuation of Iron Lace, but I wasn’t as emotionally invested as I was in Iron Lace. We get a deeper dive into Nicky’s life after her and Clarence ran away for safety, her struggle coming up in the world and her struggle with love. We get introduced to Dawn, Aurore’s granddaughter and learn of their love for each other and her strained relationship with her dad and bond with her uncle. It is an eye opening story in relation to history, being able to see from our character’s eyes, the hardships they faced with racism and segregation, the war, and the underground ways people were trying to fight for their freedoms. It was a dangerous time to put your foot down and stand your ground. I loved being able to close the circle from Aurore’s life, but I think my heart will always belong to her and Rafe.
Special Topics in Calamity Physics
by Marisha Pessl
This one really had my mind going in circles, in a good way and in an eye opening way. This was the first book in my book club and I felt so bad because I feared the title would scare people away. I always prefaced the introduction with ‘it’s a murder mystery, it’s not what it sounds like’. The book itself is structured very interestingly; each chapter is a name of a book, and I started to panic that I needed to have read these books to get some inside joke, but that panic faded away after the first few chapters. We meet Blue Van Meer and right off the bat, she’t extremely intelligent, well rounded. She narrates this story citing multiple works of literature which also made me panic that I had to read this also or at least look up what these books were, but no need to fear, it is not that serious. I felt like I was getting slapped in the face and reminded that my vocabulary is definitely not up to par. Which, in reality was a good thing because it made me step up my game and work on it. I did have to look up a lot of words while reading this book, but that was MY fault and not the fault of the book itself. Well, we learn right away that Blue has not lived a normal life. She has suffered loss, which I think her emotions seemed kind of detached from, and we are told, that she suffers more as the book goes on. She lived a very nomadic life with her father, changing schools very often, never really living in a place that she could really call HOME. She was already accustomed to not getting too attached to her friends at school. She does eventually become friends with a group at her new school called the BLUEBLOODS, mostly because her teacher Hannah Schneider invited her into it. I don’t want to say too much and spoil the storyline, but for me, the book felt very drawn out for most if it. Events happened that made you question everything, and then all of a sudden, you are rushed within a few chapters with information that came from almost nowhere. It’s like in the movies where they do a sudden reveal, and then go back and show you clips from certain parts of the movie, and it makes you go “ooooh”.
Overall, I enjoyed the book. I with that the big reveal was more than the rush of information in the end that we have to piece together, but I guess that is how most mystery plots go. I really wanted more for Blue, and I expected more from her father, but the rest is left to our imagination to hope.
The Girl with The Louding Voice
by Abi Dare
The main character of this story is Adunni, a 14 year old girl, facing the reality of her life in Nigeria. She lost her mom a while back, and is now finding herself being married off for money. She is the girl with the “louding voice” because she doesn’t want to just accept the marriage and bare children, she wants an education, she wants independence. This is a great story on women empowerment and fighting with every bone in your body for your dreams. Adunni gets away from her husband who is trying to force her to have his baby, he is abusive and she fears for her life. She finds herself an escape, where she is again in another abusive household, practically working as a servant to survive. She becomes friends with another woman there that has the same values as she does and wants her to succeed. She helps Adunni out the situation she is in and we are then left to dream of the great things that Adunni will undoubtedly accomplish.
This is a very straightforward story of a girl that is willing to fight for her dreams, even with the world is against her. With an eye opening look at culture in certain areas of Nigeria.
The Once and Future Witches
by Alix E. Harrow
Another book about women empowerment. This book is centered around 3 sisters during a time where magic had become a thing of the past. Magic was more like whispers in the darkness, rather than the powerful being that it was. From beginning to end, this story is all about growth between these sisters. Growth in their bond, growth in themselves as women. There are a lot of underlying themes of needing to burst through confinement, push through being held down and to accept and love who you are. There is love, loss, battles. One of my favorite books of 2020 probably.
So, for my first book review post, I’d like to apologize for it lol . It had been a long time since I read some of them, and I have never written book reviews before, but I was proud of what I read in 2020 and I wanted to share. I’m hoping to improve my future book reviews and not rush it like I did with this.
It is what it is lol ……
let’s see what 2021 gives me….
A few months ago, I started a book club, on FB called NEVER SILENCE THE MAD READER. As I was reading this particular book, our first book of the club, I realized it had so many large words that I had to look up. This was a very discouraging realization because in high school, I had so much pride in myself for being an avid reader. As an adult, I didn’t get the chance to read as much, but I didn’t think my vocabulary was as limited as it was. By the end of the first book, I chalked it up to the book itself. I mean, it was called “Special Topics in Calamity physics”, what else was I going to expect?
LOL a bunch of hard words…..
turns out…. It wasn’t the book, because come Decembers book, and I’m still writing down a long list of words I do not know hahaha
Anyway, I decided to write poems for each word to help me engrain the definition into my mind. I thought it would help expand my apparently minuscule pool of vernacular. Once I started doing this, I thought, hey! why not start a poetry group and post poetry prompts, I’m already “prompting” myself, I’ll just share it, and others can join if they want to.
I started a poetry group on FB called NEVER SILENCE THE MAD POET and I began posting my word of the week or poetry prompts. I recently decided, I’ll try sharing it on here as well and 🙏 would love it if anyone would like to participate and tag their ping backs to #NSTMPP
This weeks poetry prompt will be the word “IMPLACABLE”
according to Merriam-Webster dictionary :
: not placable : not capable of being appeased, significantly changed, or mitigated an implacable enemy
1. used to describe (someone who has) strong opinions or feelings that are impossible to change
pingback to #NSTMPP
I’d love to read your work.
All she wanted was to feel his finger tips
She wanted to hear songs about their future
She wanted see the score wrap around their bodies as he spoke of all the ways he loved her
She wanted nothing more than to be aroused by the tales of his day
The plans that he’s made
The blueprint of his life that had her etched into every corner
She wanted to feel his lips between hers
Electricity
Magnetism
Fire
She hungered for him
Not only his skin
And his kisses
Or the way that he looked at her
She hungered for his mind and his strength
His vulnerability
His passion
His erudite rant on all the things she once knew nothing of
Or even cared to know
Watching his wheels turn as he spoke of all the things he loved
The details of every manufacturer, the rational for every dip and turn
The intricacies of every click and clack
The admiration of the beauty and the perfection
She wondered,
if he ever spoke of her like that
Response to #NSTMPP “ERUDITE”
I am defeated
Wilted
The petals of the rose I am born
Pathetic
In the way she lacks to stand
The spine
Her fibers once full of hydration
Cannot bear to hold her up
She is thirsty
Days she went without satisfying the quench
Days she needed to replenish
But she lay there wilted
Not saying a word
Breaking
Falling apart
Pliable
For the inability to fight back
I call defeat
I throw in the towel
I raise my white flag
I have nothing left in me
To fight for what my heart longed for
You win, my love
Forgive me
I do not have the strength anymore
A few months ago, I started a book club in Facebook called NEVER SILENCE THE MAD READER. I decided I’d extend it to my blog and post the books, just in case anyone would like to join along. Feel free to join the FB group to participate in the discussions, but I will also post the discussions here in the comments ( I think that is how I will do this anyway, still figuring it out ).
For January we are going to read The Invisible Life of Addie Larue by V.E. Schwab. January 1 lands on a Friday, so what better day than to just start there.
week 1 : part 1+2
week 2 : part 3+4
week 3 : part 5
week 4 : part 6+7
My goal will be to post the discussion questions by that Friday after reading.
I’m excited to read with all of you 💋
You Saw a Pretty Thing and You Wanted to Break it
.
.
.
Porcelain made
Fragile written on it
.
.
.
You peered Into the windows
And you felt the warmth
Radiating from the hearth
.
.
.
You sought comfort
In the man you thought you deserved
.
.
.
As you felt around the doors and windows
.
.
.
Checked the hinges
Checked the boards
.
.
.
You saw a hidden crack beneath the floor
.
.
.
You seeped your way in
.
.
.
Not carefully
.
.
Not quietly
.
.
You seeped in flooding
You broke through the crack entirely
.
.
You tried to warm your hands upon the open fire
.
.
You burned yourself
.
.
Fighting for the one thing that you desired
.
.
You saw a pretty thing
And you wanted to destroy it
.
.
You took that porcelain made home
And you dropped it
.
.
.
A few months ago, I started a book club, on FB called NEVER SILENCE THE MAD READER. As I was reading this particular book, our first book of the club, I realized it had so many large words that I had to look up. This was a very discouraging realization because in high school, I had so much pride in myself for being an avid reader. As an adult, I didn’t get the chance to read as much, but I didn’t think my vocabulary was as limited as it was. By the end of the first book, I chalked it up to the book itself. I mean, it was called “Special Topics in Calamity physics”, what else was I going to expect?
LOL a bunch of hard words…..
turns out…. It wasn’t the book, because come Decembers book, and I’m still writing down a long list of words I do not know hahaha
Anyway, I decided to write poems for each word to help me engrain the definition into my mind. I thought it would help expand my apparently minuscule pool of vernacular. Once I started doing this, I thought, hey! why not start a poetry group and post poetry prompts, I’m already “prompting” myself, I’ll just share it, and others can join if they want to.
I started a poetry group on FB called NEVER SILENCE THE MAD POET and I began posting my word of the week or poetry prompts. I recently decided, I’ll try sharing it on here as well and 🙏 would love it if anyone would like to participate and tag their ping backs to #NSTMPP
This weeks poetry prompt will be the word “ERUDITE”
according to dictionary.com it is an adjective meaning “characterized by great knowledge; learned or scholarly: an erudite professor; an erudite commentary.“
pingback to #NSTMPP
I’d love to read your work.
I watched you glow as he fed you
Abdomen engorged
Promises; candy coated words
.
.
He fattened you up
Rosie cheeked
Arms stuffed full of flower petals
.
.
Honey vibrato
To ingratiate himself with your pitter patter heart
.
.
He molded himself into every dream you ever wished for
He decapitated every monster you ever lived with
.
.
He woke you from your nightmare
And he gave you something to live for
.
.
Why then, do you start to feel like something is still missing?
Like promises are empty
Smiles hollow
.
.
Why then, is there no warmth between your fingertips
Or fire in your soul ?
.
.
In the end,
You do not know
.
.
In the end,
You have to let the the dream of him go
.
.
#NSTMPP
NEVERSILENCETHEMADNESS POETRY PROMPT
I looked out into the world
And I saw it
.
.
.
We are all main characters in our own books
.
.
.
I couldn’t unsee what I had seen
All of us walking around with pages and chapters
.
.
.
With bookmarks to save the important parts
.
.
.
With spines and bindings
Pristine
Or stained with living
.
.
.
I can’t unsee it now
.
.
.
The way our lives play out
Like the chapters in a book
Like stories to be told
.
.
.
With love and heartbreak
With turmoil
And body aches
.
.
.
I saw the words written on everyones face
“He had a rough past, and now he’s struggling to reach his future”
“Her heart has just been broken, but she fought on for her daughter”
“He said goodbye to his dad not knowing it would be the last time he hugged him”
“ She just found her soulmate, but she really didn’t know it”
.
.
.
I can’t unsee it now
.
.
.
The way we are all main characters in our own books
Trilogies
From childhood
To Throughout our lives
To our THE END.
.
.
.
It’s become an obsession
.
.
.
Because I just want to read them all
Every word
Every chapter
To feel the bookmarked
To soak in every reason why
.
.
.
I want to flip through your lurid pages
Because you are a book I want to read
.
.
.
And I can’t unsee it now
She told him
.
.
“I want nothing
I am ninety-one
Please let me go”
.
.
He looked at her solemnly
.
.
“Don’t make me do this,
No”
.
.
She took his hand and said
.
.
“I lost the greatest love of my life ten years ago
And I have loved every day that I have been alive,
.
.
But I miss him so much,
I’m ready to be back by his side”
.
.
With tears falling from his face
He held on because it’s all he knew how to do
.
.
And she left this earth so peacefully
With a node and a whisper
“Sweet dreams, baby
.
.
-adieu”
.
.
As I walk through the threshold
I am assaulted by the sight
.
.
The smells pummel through me
The energy as dark as night
.
.
Screams heard from every corner
Howls of despair
the wailing of fear
.
.
A man crying over limbs
that should still be there
.
.
A woman succumbing to the
Fevers that took her
.
.
The God made Angels
Frantically trying to do better
.
.
The Calibanesque picture before me
Grotesque
Mutilated
Disfigured
.
.
Is a vision that I would never have been
able to manufacture
I ran to him
.
.
“Are you okay?”
.
.
his expression brightened up like the sun
.
.
“I want to go dancing”
.
.
He smiles
.
.
And I laugh to join the fun
.
.
Tomorrow I heard you are no longer speaking
.
.
Your breath was taken from you
.
.
I hope you are dancing in your sleep
.
.
And my heart sinks knowing
.
.
That those were probably the last words
.
.
You will ever say to me
I saw the way you looked at him
-Enamored
.
.
Like he was the one that broke the mould
.
.
you loved him
With appreciation
.
.
He was Midas
And you wanted to live surrounded by his gold
.
.
I saw the way he looked at you
-Enamored
.
.
He gazed downward upon you
Like a fragile chick he wanted to nurture
.
.
He fed you
kept you warm
.
.
He nestled you on his lap
Cursed all the fears away in rapture
.
.
But he dare not touch you
He dare not lose you
Although it broke his heart in every way
.
.
He hurt himself
For every moment he wanted you to stay
.
.
One morning you woke
He fawned over you adoringly
.
.
You saw that your touch brought mountains
oceans to rooftops of glory
.
.
You shunned your own fears
You kept yourself warm
.
.
You no longer needed him to keep you safe from the storm
.
.
You made your own palace
With walls deep
And walls strong
.
.
And you told him
“I’m sorry
I do not love you anymore”
As the stars turn above us,
Your head upon my chest.
Your skin pressed against mine
Our bodies made to rest
.
.
I lose the line between who we are
Because
Who are you ?
And who is she ?
As the stars turn above us
Is it really important?
The “who are we?”
.
.
You are the missing piece
That was unknowingly broken off of my soul
.
.
I was the missing piece
that made your body whole
.
.
You are the part of me
That I didn’t know I needed
.
.
I was the part of you
That you needed to believe in
.
.
As the stars turn above us
And we wonder
“Who are we?”
.
.
Just know that we are two bodies
Who are just
Meant to be
.
.
She loved until she lost herself
She gave until she was empty
She hung on until her fingers bled
And her hourglass was hungry
.
.
She was an inveterate long time lover
each chapter in her life
sewn together neatly between each love
.
.
Never knowing how to say goodbye
Never knowing when enough was enough
.
.
When our hands touch
I am awakened
.
.
Our fingertips
The bridge between our souls
.
.
Blood flowing
Vibrating with electricity
.
.
Tantalizing
Brewing ,
A potion that cannot be undone
.
.
Because I want you more today than yesterday
And I know I’ll still want you more when the day is done
.
.
When our lips touch
A fire ignites within me
.
.
One that only you know how to put out
.
.
I am set ablaze
Willingly
.
.
How could you ever have any doubt ?
.
.
This body is yours forever
Because it is mine
And I put it into your hands
.
.
To extinguish this fire you set ablaze inside me
.
.
I am your woman
.
.
you are my man
.
.
They asked you for help
.
.
With their silent eyes
They called for you
In their muted tears
They screamed for you to see them
.
.
Where were you, then?
.
.
Making choices for “their best interests”
Not caring when they told you
They felt helpless
.
.
I’m sorry children
You had no advocate
.
.
I’m sorry your short life
Had so much sadness In it
.
.
Where were you?
When their silent tears
Flooded the streets
.
.
Sitting in your toasty home
Cuddled safely beneath the sheets
.
.
I have been through a war
Bullets flying pass my face
Tip toeing around the grenades
.
.
I lived through the smoke
bounded by chains
.
.
I have been through it all
Fighting for equality
Fighting for freedom
Fighting for life
.
.
I’ve lived through the protests
I marched for theirs
Like I would march for mine
.
.
how dare you
The years, the memories, the knowledge
.
.
You knocked me down
Cracked them out of me
.
.
I watched from right above you
As my body went limp
If my brothers from war
Could have seen what you did
.
.
Because we lived through the bullets
We tip toed over the grenades
But all of your hate
is what took me to my grave
.
.
I saw the hate in your eyes
It was clear as day
.
.
The disregard for a life
That you will soon take away
.
.
No cries from the helpless
Found its way into your soul?
.
.
No tears from the defenseless
Made you want to make a different call?
.
.
I saw the hate in your eyes that day
What disregard you have
For a life you will soon take away
.
.
What we meant to each other
Was something much larger than us
.
.
.
It was hopes
And dreams
.
.
.
It was goals
And love
.
.
.
It was fear
And disappointment
.
.
.
It was longing
It was loss
.
.
.
I will always remember the way your body felt
When I rested my head upon your chest
.
.
.
The way your arms wrapped around me
The way you carried me to bed
.
.
.
I will remember how your fingertips
Electrified mine
looking up at you
Getting lost in your eyes
.
.
.
I will remember feeling like a piece of me was floating away
When I had to leave your side
.
.
.
What we meant to each other once
Was something much more than love
.
.
.
But we were star crossed lovers
we were cut from different cloths
.
.
.
We were children from different time zones
meant to be together, we were not
.
.
.
Our souls were meant for different paths
And sadly
.
.
.
we were meant for different loves
.
.
.
sifting through a box of old things
Book after book
pamphlet after pamphlet
treatise on anxiety and depression
.
.
.
I am brought back to a time
when our lives were dictated by school bells
And seating charts
.
.
.
Where one rumor
Became our entire world
And one heartbreak
Was announced through
The speaker hung walls
.
.
.
ages ago
An entire world away
.
.
.
I pack it back up
to look back at another day
.
.
.
Weekly prompt @ NSTMP
I can’t be mad at you
You stole my heart
You tricked me
.
.
.
I can’t be mad at you
I walked toward you with a veil over my eyes
You led me blindly
You robbed me
.
.
.
And I let you
.
.
.
How can I be mad at you ?
.
.
.
.
You thief
.
.
.
Burglar
.
.
.
Pirate
.
.
.
Swindler
.
.
.
You stole my heart
Right from my chest
.
.
.
And I liked it
.
.
.
I read somewhere
That you were no longer mine
.
.
That you finally opened up your heart
And honestly, It was about time
.
.
I read somewhere
That you no longer belonged to me
.
.
That our memories
Are no longer cherished
It’s not my heart that holds your key
.
.
I never expected you to wait forever
To hide away
And pine for my love
.
.
But I read somewhere
That you are finally happy and moved on
.
.
My heart paused a little
It broke for a moment
As I remembered what we lost
.
.
But I always knew that our love
Was gone
When I walked away
I knew the cost
I saw her scars
Evidence of a life
Where great just wasn’t good enough
Where She was always just one nip away from perfect
One tuck away from perfection
One stitch away from happiness
I saw her eyes of desperation
As she picked at things I could not see
Although I was happy to oblige
I wondered where in her life she was during each scar
I wondered about the painful recovery
I wondered about the broken heart
Or the healed one
I wondered if she was finally close to happy
I felt sadness for her
But only because that could be me
One nip away from happiness
One tuck away from perfection
One stitch away from perfect
My heart broke for her
But only because that could be me
I hear the “pitter-patter”
Of the rain outside
Not long ago
The sun
Stared with an intensity
Of a loyal wife
Who has laid eyes on her husband
Being a tad less than that
How labile this world is
I curse it
But then I see a reflection of myself
For I am the sun
Who sets smiles upon faces
Encourages hope
And freedom
And laughter
too fierce at times
For I will burn you
I will make you seek shelter
I will make you want for less
Tomorrow I will be the rain
Who steals the hope away
From a better day
Who brings sadness
And grey
But also
I will bring the chill
That leads to cuddles
I will bring hot chocolate
And fluffy blankets
I will bring kisses
And fingers to hug yours
How labile my emotions tend to be
Like the world changing
Outside of my window
As I love the to and fro of the sea
My hope is that you also love me
For the changes I bring
It smelled of musty air
Saturated in salt
Surrounded by unparalleled darkness
I knew blindly that there was an ocean beside me
Filled with life
Housing a world we barely have knowledge of
I catch a glimpse
Like a flashlight
Offering a gift
The waves crash upon each other
Beautifully dangerous
Unabashedly uncaring
I’m overwhelmed with
The realization of nature
It’s strength
It’s determination
It’s reluctance to be bothered by my presence
Within the darkness
The ocean, my neighbor
An entire world at my feet
Soaked in the Salty air
I am energized and fueled by Mother Earth
I am belittled and humbled by her
And I am thankful
How ominous
this random solitary toaster at the end of a very dark road
causing me to hesitate
Forebodingly
It stares at me
Daring me
To come into the darkness
I cannot look away
I cannot take a step
As if a coyote were in it’s place
How ominous
This solitary toaster
Sitting at the end of a very dark road
In its silence
It haunts me
It’s hard to explain really.
It’s a wave of distrust in the people that I love the most.
It’s a moment of suspicion that grew from the seed of the most mundane moment.
Sometimes, it’s the inability to be truly happy.
Sometimes, it’s a sadness that has no reason.
It’s being afraid that one wrong glance can make someone hate you.
It’s worrying that one missed call means that you are no longer loved.
I wish that I could describe it to you in a way that you could read and simultaneously feel, just to understand what a person with anxiety goes through.
Sometimes, behind the silence and the smile, there is an entire hurricane going on inside. At times, it is in the mind. At times, it is in the heart. In the worst moments, it is in both.
It can feel like being short of breath accompanied by the ability to breathe.
It can feel like being tachycardic, but a glance at your heart rate tells you that you are just fine.
It can feel like you are in “fight or flight” mode for hours on end with nothing to fight and nothing to run from.
It can be days of negativity and anger when all you want is to feel love.
I catch glimpses of her sometimes …..
The girl behind the anxiety.
Usually it’s within a candid photograph or mistaken video.
I see her laugh
-minus the insecurities
-minus the doubt
-minus the worry
-minus the fear
-minus the overthinking
And she is beautiful.
I don’t want you to read this and think…
Less of me
Worry for me
Sadness for me
Annoyance toward me
Because the way that I see it…
People that go through this world battling anxiety and still
-get up every morning
-want to be the best version of themselves
-have hope for the present and future
-want to spread love and happiness
-go to work in stressful challenging environments
-encourage and uplift
-LOVE
Are some of the strongest and most compassionate people that I have ever met.
We go through this world with love and understanding, with empathy and hope. Even though our moments can be harder to get through than some.
We can comprehend your hurt, but we can also be your rock, because we have already faced a million thunderstorms within us and we know how to stand strong.
I guess what I am trying to say, is that I am PROUD of the woman I am. I am thankful for the things that have made me become that woman I am today.
But I also catch glimpses of the girl behind the Anxiety sometimes.
AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL
Never Silence the Madness 