There are so many things that I still wanted to do with you. We always talked about more dances together. We have gone out dancing together twice in our lives. I thought we had so many more late nights left to go. We joked about loving dancing so much, we would go out, you in your wheelchair, and me with my cane. I so wanted to do that with you mother.
My mommy dearest, we had road trips planned that we could sing our hearts out to. We had vacations in mind. We had scrapbooks to fill. We were suppose to find ourselves at some French cafe loving the food but hating the portion size. We were going to smile and giggle at the cute guys. We were going to let me practice my one sentence of French that I remembered from High School. You were going teach me how to truly rock heels like a pro, and get mad at me when I complained about how bad my feet hurt.
My best friend, we were going to get tattoos together. We said it so many times. Even made plans to get one before you left on that airplane, but we never made it. My heart hurts, mother, because I wanted that experience with you.
My workout partner, my TAE BO buddy, my Zumba lover. You were suppose to make it to my favorite Zumba class, I really wanted you to see how amazing he really is. He’s never going to have that first dance with you mama, and my heart hurts because I really wanted him to have that with you.
Mommy, I really wanted to pick that dress with you. I needed you there to tell me I looked beautiful in that one or how horrid that other one was. Mother, should I wear my hair up? Or my hair down? Do I wear a veil? I wanted to see you there, smiling, crying, happy to finally see me walk down that aisle. Mother, I don’t know how I will make it all the way down that hall without breaking down, I truly don’t. I can’t see how I will have the strength in that moment in my life.
My heart hurts from all the things I can’t do with you mother. There are so many things I still had planned for us. There were still so many laughs, there were so many songs to sing and beats to dance to. There were so many chocolates to try, roads to drive, planes to fly. There were so so many more words to write.
We still had to pick a grandmother name for you. Surprise you when you would have a grandchild. You were suppose to spoil her, you were suppose to comfort him.
You were suppose to teach me how to cook …..
We were suppose to joke about how much we both suck at cooking.
Mother, there really were so so many things I had left for us to do together. It’s hard for me to truly believe that I will never be able to do these things with you. It is hard to believe that you are not somewhere just writing away or dancing. I miss you so much mother, you have no idea how much my heart hurts for you. I love you, my mama.
With the hustle and bustle of the holidays, there are so many different things to think about and worry about. Traveling, gifts, money, time, family….. This Christmas my boyfriend and I road tripped five hours to spend time with my family. His sister from New Jersey that he hadn’t seen in thirteen years came with us. We really wanted to show her a good time and to take her around. We were so busy trying to fit in as much as possible in the few days we had.
On the way to my Mom’s family Christmas Dinner, like a semi just ran me over, I was overwhelmed with the reminder that my last Christmas with my mom was at this house. To the shock of my boyfriend, I couldn’t stop the tears from falling. I remember my mom sitting at the dinner table laughing, I remember taking pictures together and telling stories. I remember being able to cuddle together.
And then there are things I really wish I could remember.
They say that over time, the pain of losing a love one subsides.
Some say, it never does.
For me, I feel like, the realization of losing her has slowly become more apparent. Maybe the initial heartbreak doesn’t feel as sharp, but I get waves of sadness. I will feel anger, confusion, disbelief.
If there is anything that I have learned from this experience, if there is any message that I could pass on to everyone out there reading this, my loved ones, strangers…
There is no anger, grudge, or fight that will matter once that person is gone. I guarantee that once you lose that person, any negative feelings you might have felt will feel like a waste of time, waste of effort, waste of energy, when you could have spent the time in love and happiness.
My mom and I had a really close relationship, she was my best friend, but there were times that we didn’t agree with each other. Reading back through some past poems or diary entries, I was reminded of the times that we may have fought, or the times that I may have felt some type of negative way about her and it is all so pointless.
None of those grudges matter
None of those negative thoughts hold any weight
When the person you love is gone all that will matter is how much you love them, the time that you now know you won’t have with them, the wasted time that you spent thinking that there was always tomorrow.
So, use the time you have together to love each other. Make the time to visit, make the time to call, tell the people you love them when you get the chance.