The One That Got Away

She was always “the one that got away” 

The one that loved until her heart bled dry

The one that gave and gave

Until even her capillaries collapsed from being hollow 

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She was always the one that held on too long 

Until her calloused hands gave way 

Until her knees buckled from the weight 

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She was always the one that felt a hand reach out for her

As soon as she was just out of reach 

The one that heard her name being called from the tree tops 

As she ventured out of the city 

The one that saw fireworks spelling out her name 

As she rode her own self out into the sunset 

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Because she never needed anyone to take her on that bike 

She never depended on anyone to keep her warm 

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She was a fire all on her own 

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She may have been directionally challenged

But give her the tools and by God she will find herself exactly where she needed to be 

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She was always “the one that got away” 

Because the men in her life didn’t know whether to fan her fire 

Or deprive her of the oxygen to shine 

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The men in her life were either terrified that beside her, 

She would either burn much brighter 

Or push them to ignite their own 

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And neither option ever felt right for them at the time

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She was always “the one that got away” 

Because once she decided she was done 

She was never turning back

She was never refueling her heart for the same drive 

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And the men in her life thought that 

She would always be there to pick them up when they fell

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In every love story, she was never replaceable

Her fire burned a different shade of bright 

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In every love story, 

The new, the next, and the right after 

Sat dim in comparison to her

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In every love story, 

They looked for her

They cried for her

They feened for her 

They hungered for every bit of love she fed them

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Because you never know what you have lost

Until it’s really gone

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You never know what you have lost 

Until you tasted and nothing tastes as sweet 

Until you have hugged and no one is as warm 

Until you have tried and realized that no one else 

Compares 

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And you fear you will see her hand in hand 

With someone that appreciates her 

With someone that loves her 

With someone that is ready to fan her fire 

And ignite his own

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Because that is exactly who she needs

When a fire shines that bright 

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A man who wants to feed her fire

Not because she needs him to

Not because she will wither away without him 

But because he is fueled by her beauty 

He shines just as bright without her

But glows with her by his side 

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When fire meets fire 

She is no longer “the one that got away”

He is no longer the hands that got burned by her flame

They are no longer fires at either end waiting 

For who will survive without oxygen the longest 

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Because their flame shines brighter with them together 

Their fire brightens the pathway forward 

Their fire pushes the darkness away from their souls 

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She is no longer “the one that got away” because 

She is shining

She is loving 

She is HERE 

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Neversilencethemadness.com 

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#bloggerstyle #blogger #poetry #poemsofinstagram #poetrylovers #poet #spokenword 

Sunday Spoken Word : When You Think You See Me…

ORIGINAL POST: WHEN YOU THINK YOU SEE ME….

My attempt at doing the impossible, getting people that don’t have anxiety or panic attacks, to understand what it may feel like. Especially since so many people that suffer with anxiety have the capability to appear completely fine, while they struggle within.

She Wanted it So Badly, She Decided She Didn’t Want it at All 

She thought she knew what she wanted 

She thought that it was all planned out and laid out in front of her

The hopeless romantic in her, told her that she would fall in love 

She would get the ring, she would get married, have the babies, live in the beautiful home with her family and her dogs

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One broken heart after another 

She began to retreat a little bit further

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Maybe it was the amount of times her heart broke 

Maybe it was a defense mechanism building a wall around that heart 

Maybe time made her begin to lose patience

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But she began to feel as though

Maybe she didn’t want that dream anymore 

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Maybe that dream was never meant for her 

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It was an endless disappointment every time she fell in love without bearing the fruit of the future

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It was an expectation that she was exhausted from wanting to fulfill 

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She wanted it so badly, she decided she didn’t want it at all

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I mean, what was it all really? 

Besides money on a finger, besides signatures on a paper 

Maybe there were more cons than pros anyway 

It’s not like any of it meant promises wouldn’t be broken on a future day 

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Maybe she had just become jaded 

Maybe fear had taken over 

That maybe vows meant nothing to her future lover 

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Either way

She couldn’t tell if it was frustration or sadness 

Desperation or fear 

whatever it was 

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She wanted it so badly, she decided 

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She really didn’t want any of it, anymore

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Neversilencethemadness.com 

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#bloggerstyle #blogger #poetry #poemsofinstagram #poetrylovers #poet #spokenword 

Sunday Spoken Word: Broken Pieces

original poem : BROKEN PIECES

Sometimes, we feel like we have been through so much in our life that we broken.

Sometimes, we meet that person that wants to be there to hold your hand while you heal

and sometimes, I think we worry that those burdens are just way too much for our loved ones to hold on to with you and in reality, it isn’t anyone else’s responsibility to heal you.

but sometimes we meet that person that wants to hold your hand while you heal despite the difficulties, despite tears, because they love you.

Her First Love Story

He listened to her intently as the tears fell from her cheeks 

He stared at her bewildered as she gasped for breaths between words 

Had he known that his choices at the precipice of her love would break her even 20 years into the future, he might have chosen differently

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But would he really? 

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As she lay, curled into the blanket, limbs writhing from the pain radiating from her heart, from the memories of her past, he stood there, mouth gaping wide 

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How could he have been so careless? 

How could he take her gentle soul and defame it ? 

How could he take all the love she gave him and set it down as if it wasn’t the most precious gift she could have offered? 

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“Your love traumatized me” she wailed

“I gave you every part of me” she groaned

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As she doubled over in pain, in weakness, in horror

There was nothing he could do but place a hand on her shoulder for comfort

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She was right 

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Every way that he had fractured her heart initiated the deep cracks that still find themselves way too difficult to heal 

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No matter what she did to smooth out the edges, fill in the holes

No matter what man came to her with love and praise and affection 

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She was never able to satiate the ache her heart felt 

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His words echoed in every future relationship 

His doubt and hesitation manifested into her fear for the future 

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And with each failed love story, she felt increasingly defeated 

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A little more hopeless 

A little more helpless 

A little more pessimistic 

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But his love story, their love story 

Will always be the love story that broke her

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Their love story will always be the one that started it all 

Their love story will always be the one that took her gentle soul, her innocent love, and her forgiving heart and crushed it, demolished it, tarnished it

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He wished with every fiber of his being that he could rewrite their love story

That he could erase the pain 

That he could heal her broken parts 

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But a love story cannot be rewritten, it cannot be unwritten

She just has to find a way to give herself the happy ending that she knows she deserves on her own

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Neversilencethemadness.com 

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#bloggerstyle #blogger #poetry #poemsofinstagram #poetrylovers #poet #spokenword 

WEDNESDAY: Work Up the Courage To Do Something You’re Afraid Of

I Found a Boy- Adele

There are so many things in this life that I’d love to do, but feel so shy to do, scared to do, timid to do. Little by little I have broken through small hurdles.. and today, I wanna try to jump over another one. 

All my life, I have loved singing. I would sing karaoke through the night, as long as I thought no one could hear me. As soon as I heard a door creak, my throat would close, and I couldn’t get a note out. I would say, the only person that has heard me sing at the top of my lungs is my partner. Thank goodness, 🙏 he allows me to sing through all the road trips, through all the cleaning days without judging me, without complaining that I’m an ear sore 😝. 

He make me feel so comfortable to be my 100% true self. Open, vulnerable, raw. I am in no way, a great singer lol, but I love to sing, I love listening to the passions in others’ voices and I wish that for myself. My partner encourages me to love myself and my passions, he is super supportive with the things I do end up trying. 

Anyway… Here I am, working up the courage to do something I’m afraid of. I still feel shy recording myself singing, I’m terrified to make it public lol. But …. why not… live my life, love myself, and stop holding back.

Sunday Spoken Word : I May Be Nothing But a Stranger

original poem : I May Be Nothing But a Stranger

People cross our paths every day whether it’s a lasting relationship, first and only impression, or a person meant to change our route and walk away. We never know what someone else is going through. The least we can offer anyone in this world, is compassion. We need to have love, spread love, give love, to be able to be someone that is capable of receiving love in return.

SUNDAY SPOKEN WORD: Dimples, Deep as the Oceans

Just a poem about a woman who lost her son in one of the most unimaginable heartbreaking ways and the way that she still smiles toward the world and tries to carry on with her life. We never know the hurt that is going on within someone else. So, let’s all please be kind, love, allow yourself to be loved, and ask for the help when you need it. ❤️

original poem : Dimples, Deep as the Oceans

He Made You Believe

When his lips touched yours 

All the wailing cries from every heartbreak 

Were sucked out of your body 

Like a cleansing of your soul

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When your fingers touched, 

Every tear you cried became the fuel for a better tomorrow 

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When you handed him you heart, he buffed out all the imperfections 

Left by the men that couldn’t handle you 

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And he gave it back nearly perfect 

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He made you believe that you were his forever 

He made you believe that he was yours too 

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The happiness in your smile makes me believe 

That you thought he would never leave you 

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He spoke to you of all the ways 

And all the ways 

And all the ways 

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He spoke to you of the future 

And all the days 

And the way he would stay. 

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He held your hand and you thought

“This warmth could survive me through a winter storm”

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You wouldn’t imagine life without him anymore 

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Yes, he made you believe 

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That it was you and him forever 

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You couldn’t have known that it would be your last December 

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When he walked away so suddenly, your heart was ripped entirely from your chest

He promised you so much more

He handed you so much less

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He made you believe you were his forever

He made you believe he was yours too

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Then you were stuck in the sidelines as he rode away with her to get away from you

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As he rode into the sunset with his new love between his arms

You were deserted, deflated, embarrassed, appalled

Because the one you loved so quickly

Never really loved you at all

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Neversilencethemadness.com 

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#bloggerstyle #blogger #poetry #poemsofinstagram #poetrylovers #poet 

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SUNDAY SPOKEN WORD: Rediscovery

I wrote this poem back in 2016, after moving to LA from Northern California. I came here for Nursing School and I made the move all alone. I walked away from a long term relationship because he wasn’t ready to make the move with me and that left me feeling very confused. I was proud of myself for making the move, for my future, for my well being. I was excited because I was beginning this new chapter of my life filled with growth and it was a road I knew without a doubt that I wanted to take, but walking away from someone that I had spent the last 6 years with in the same breath, was heartbreaking. The first year or two in LA was a time for rediscovery. I was learning how to live my life for myself and not having to worry about another persons needs. For the first time in my life, I was only needing to care about what I wanted and what I needed. But I was left with insecurities that ran deep into my childhood and were reinforced by a relationship that didn’t work. That’s when I found my passion in dancing again and I realized within those years how much dancing filled me with happiness, and confidence. It took time before I was able to slowly break free from some of the constraints I had within myself, but I owe all of it to music, dance, and a special someone that never gave up on me. In the moments that I was at my lowest, I had someone new in my life that never let me feel the insecurities that weighed me down. When I didn’t have the confidence to shake the thoughts off, he was there to remind me of how amazing he thought I was. Eventually, I began to believe it.

It’s amazingly true, that positive affirmations can change your mindset and change your life. Even when I struggled to believe ALL the things, he pushed me to say them over and over again. He made me believe them, and eventually I rediscovered the love that I had for myself.

I still struggle on a daily with insecurities, with anxiety. I still question myself and have doubts. I still keep myself in a bubble and shy away from things that I enjoy because of my own fears of letting loose. But I work on it every day as well. I have a supportive partner that encourages me to love myself and reminds me of all my potential. Every day, I hope to rediscover more about myself, love more about myself, and break away from the bubble I keep myself in. Every day is a new chance for change and growth that I hope to continue for the rest of my life.

original poem : Rediscovery

I KNOW YOU LOVE HIM

I know your heart aches for him hun

But he is no longer yours to love 

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I’m sorry that he rode past you in the sunset 

I’m sorry that he made you feel as though you weren’t enough

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He took the little pieces of your broken heart, sewed them back together 

Just to take that seam apart 

His bear hands with a ripper

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I know you love him babe

But his heart belongs to someone else

He took his heart 

Placed it in her hands

The cards that he holds

Are the cards that he’s been dealt 

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You need to let him go, love

His hands are no longer the hands for you to grasp when you are afraid 

Because when she becomes lonely 

her body is where his hands lay 

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women move on when they are ready 

Not a second too soon, not a moment too late

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But hun, you cannot fight what is fate 

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There is so much more to life, love

You will find the one that wants you near 

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But he is not the one you are searching for 

The love of your life, is not him, my dear

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Neversilencethemadness.com 

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#bloggerstyle #blogger #poetry #poemsofinstagram #poetrylovers #poet 

SUNDAY SPOKEN WORD: Don’t Lift Me Up to Drop me

I’ve always LOVED listening to spoken word. Some really amazing poets have made me cry my eyes out with their beautiful words and the way that they convey those emotions in spoken word. I have been shy my entire life and things that I am passionate about are things that I find difficult to be open and vulnerable in. I decided to start recording my poems starting from the first one I have posted here on my blog.

I have always been super uncomfortable on camera especially on video, but I want to start breaking out of my little shy bubble and trying different things for my own self growth and self love.

This is my first time recording a poem like this, so please be gentle. One day I hope to be able to not be so shy and perform my poetry with the emotions that I feel with them…. until then… here I go…..

original poem : Don’t lift me up to drop me

MY GRANDMA’S LAST GOODBYE

A lot happened in the short amount of time between when my grandma got sick and when I lost her. The timeline is something that I feel like I will forever hold dear. In my last full conversation with my grandmother, she spontaneously called my sister and I on video chat and she talked to us while I was on my way to work. She spoke of all the things she normally mentioned, we said our goodbyes, we told her we loved her and that we would talk to her later.

The thing that I thought was odd about that goodbye, was that she asked me to call her on my break. She never asked me to call her that quickly. She would usually say something to the effect of “call me later, talk to you soon” but she never told me to call her on my lunch break. I didn’t think too much of it, but the next time I was able to really talk to her, she was on oxygen. We spoke for a moment, she was able to talk to me, but I could tell it was hard for her to speak for very long, so I told her to rest and that I would call her again soon. She gained her wings a few days after that.

I fight tears typing this memory of my last moments with my Grandma because, like everyone I know that has lost a loved one, we wish we had more time, we wish the phone call was longer, we wish we could have visited one last time. I know that I called my grandma often, I know that I always made sure I told her how much I loved her, and how much I missed her, but I wish I could have done more.

She helped raise me my entire life. My memories of her are all good ones; rocking me on her legs when I was sick, hanging out with me at the mall. She would always stop at McDonald’s and get a fish filet with fries and no salt with a Diet Coke. It wasn’t until I became an adult that I realized it was never called a fish filet, and that it was called “filet of fish”. She would walk me to the library as a kid and feed my love of books. We would go to random stores and she would ask me to pick something out that I wanted, and I was always browsing book stores for my next favorite read. We would sing karaoke together as my Grandpa would say we were out of tune 😂. I would help her with her little yard sales and packing her balikbayan boxes.

My Grandma held one of the biggest parts of my heart and losing her was something I feared for forever.

ANYWAY

The point of my post was not to reminisce about my Grandma, but to tell you about a dream I had after she passed away.

Whatever your spiritual or religious beliefs are, I have to say, there is definitely a common thread between people that have lost loved ones, and then dreaming of their loved ones saying goodbye.

A few days after losing my Grandma, I had a dream. I was being driven by someone on the backroad of somewhere. It was evening it seemed like. looked like a storm was coming but it wasn’t raining yet. I was thinking that I needed to find my Grandma because I knew she was leaving and I needed to see her before she left. I ended up catching her going in the opposite direction as I was on the road, and we flipped a U-turn and met up with my Grandma in some garage. We both got out of the car and hugged each other super tight. We were both crying and I was telling her

“I don’t want you to go home yet, I don’t want you to go”

and my Grandma replied “I have to go”

It was then that I woke up and I was balling my eyes out. The rest of that day was a hard day. But I knew that she was telling me goodbye. She was giving my soul a last hug from her. She was letting me know that everything was going to be okay.

I heard somewhere that when we lose loved ones, we are so saddened by that loss, we are sad for them. The reality is, when our loved ones gain their wings, they are at peace. They are surrounded by their lost loved ones. They are happy. The reason why we are so saddened is because we are sad for the moments we won’t have with them, the moments we will miss them, the moments we want them to have with us.

I am sure that our loved ones are sad to leave our physical world. but once they gain their wings, they can be with us always. They will be with us in all those moments, they are beside us when we need them most.

Maybe you don’t believe in the afterlife. Maybe you don’t believe in spirits or them being able to visit after death. But for me, I find comfort in knowing my Grandma reached out to me. She gave me a hug before she left. We cried together, we said goodbye. And she waits in heaven with Grandpa and her siblings, for the day that we are all together again.

For anyone that knew my during all my prerequisites in college, this EXACTLY what I looked like on the couch studying. Every single day.

I LET HER SLEEP BECAUSE I KNOW…

I let her sleep because I know .. 

when she’s awake her thoughts are a minefield 

Speckled with all the moments that make her heart explode with sadness 

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When she is caught dreaming 

I let her enjoy those minutes

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Because I know that the second she is awake 

She is bombarded with a laundry list that she alone has made urgent

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I let her sleep because for a few short breaths

Her brows are unfurled 

Her face, peaceful 

And as soon as that is interrupted 

The worry and anxiety creep in 

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Every “what if” is a scenario that has happened

All possibilities become fact 

Intervened by the rational parts of her mind 

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Her psyche 

A sword fight 

With no real winner 

While she sits in the audience preparing for which 

Long lost friend she will have to have to put to rest first 

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Her body 

Ready to fight 

Her legs ready for flight 

Adrenaline coursing through her veins 

To save her from the unknown monster 

She’s struggling with that day 

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You see… 

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I let her sleep because I love her 

I let her sleep because there is only so much I can do to save her 

There is only so much I can do to protect her 

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And when I see her peaceful,

Even for just a moment,

I could never take that from her

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Neversilencethemadness.com 

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WHEN DEATH CAME KNOCKING

I understand why she wanted

To walk away from this world

Why, when death started knocking

She opened the door and let him in

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She was tired of all the moments that her heart broke

She was tired  of mustering  all her strength to put it back together

She was tired of the endless fear 

The chipping away of her plaster encased heart

And the fragile contents within

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When death came knocking 

She smiled and opened the door 

“I’ve been waiting for you” she said 

“Take me, death.  I have grown impatient”

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What torture this life has been

The never ending strive for better

For happiness 

For success 

For love 

For acceptance 

For laughs 

And hugs 

And tender fingertips 

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Passionate kisses were never so hard to find

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And 

A man that would throw her heart around 

Was always around the corner

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But when morning comes

And the truth invades

She wished that she could not exist 

She wished that she could tear through the temporary comfort that softened her fall 

She wished she could rip through her own skin 

Make herself inside out 

Bleed until she slept an endless nap 

She wanted to break faces 

Hear her echoed screams 

Burn a house down to its bones

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Why was life so difficult?

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Why was happiness a foreign language,

That surfaced so few and far between?

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She wanted it all to stop 

Her worry 

Her beating heart 

Her fear 

Her tears 

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And then death came knocking at her door 

She smiled her own mischievous smile 

And said .. 

“Take me”

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Neversilencethemadness.com 

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#bloggerstyle #blogger #poetry #poemsofinstagram #poetrylovers

POT PIES REMIND ME OF MY MOTHER

As I sit here on my lunch break at work tonight

I dig into the first pot pie I’ve had in years 

Daydream of my childhood 

When my mom would make pot pies for dinner 

When we had blueberry pie and vanilla ice cream for a treat 

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I didn’t know then

What a simple pot pie would mean to me now 

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I didn’t know before

The warmth of this pot pie 

Would also bring warmth to my heart 

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Remembrance of the family I lost

The time we had together 

The aroma of laughter 

And a stomach full of stability and peace 

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Pot pies, apparently remind me of my mother 

Of the days when she was my mommy 

Of the long evenings playing in the backyard 

Of the living room workouts 

Of the halloween costumes that she would make from scratch

Of the movie dates 

Of karate class

When she would cheer me on from the side lines hoping I would eventually throw a punch

Of the leotards for gymnastics 

Of the cartwheels I couldn’t do

Of the long sushi lunch

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It all reminds me of her

Of my little hand in hers 

Of our chubby fingers 

And our chubby toes 

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Laughing about the little things that only her and I know

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Pot pies remind me a lot of my mother 

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When she would call us in for dinner 

Dance her way around 

With hugs strong enough to smother

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When she would sit us all down 

Sing her way to the freezer

And then surprise us with dessert

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Neversilencethemadness.com 

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#bloggerstyle #blogger #poetry #poemsofinstagram #poetrylovers

Most Days

Most days 

I do the things I Love 

I seek out the things that make me happy 

I love the people around me that I hold dear 

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Most days 

I dance because I love the music 

I sing because I love the words 

I cry because I feel the passion 

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Most days 

I live my life 

Go from point A to point B 

Grateful for the day I have been given 

Hopeful for tomorrow 

Learning from the memory of my past 

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Most days 

I inhale the beauty that this world places before me 

I exhale the impossibles 

And I get myself to tomorrow 

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But ….. 

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Some days 

I miss the comfort of being able to call you any time of the day 

To hear your voice 

To vent insecurities 

To remind ourselves that we are queens 

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Some days 

I really miss the road trips 

The Cuddles 

And hearing your laughter 

I miss the way your hand held mine 

The way your laughter turned your face red 

And I could barely catch a glimpse of your eyes 

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Some days 

I fear that I will never be able to laugh again 

That I will forever only be able to giggle 

That I will only have enough happiness in me to smile 

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Some days 

I fear that I will never be whole 

Because you are no longer with me 

There will always be a veil of sadness 

There will always be a piece missing 

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Most days, mother

I tell myself that everything happens for a reason 

I find comfort in knowing that you are happy and at peace 

Free of the stress and struggle that the physical world hands us 

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But some days, mother 

My heart breaks from your absence 

My heart aches for the future we will not have together 

For the grandchildren you will not meet 

For the dances we will not dance

Songs we will not sing 

The unfinished dreams that you held in your pocket 

That never got to see the light of day 

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Some days, mother 

I miss you so terribly

I cannot believe that you are not here with me 

But I get myself together

Wipe the tears 

And I make it to tomorrow 

My Hands Are Your Hands

My hands are your  hands 

In the daintiness that they lay 

In the chubbiness that our fingers sit 

In the thickness that our nails grow

Your hands are my hands 

In the way that you snap your fingers as you dance

And flip your long hair 

And twirl your rings

My hands are your hands 

And it is a beautiful reminder everyday that you are still with me 

My Heart Hurts From All the Things I Can’t Do With You Mother

Dear Mother, 

There are so many things that I still wanted to do with you.  We always talked about more dances together.  We have gone out dancing together twice in our lives.  I thought we had so many more late nights left to go.  We joked about loving dancing so much, we would go out, you in your wheelchair, and me with my cane.  I so wanted to do that with you mother.  

My mommy dearest, we had road trips planned that we could sing our hearts out to.  We had vacations in mind.  We had scrapbooks to fill.  We were suppose to find ourselves at some French cafe loving the food but hating the portion size.  We were going to smile and giggle at the cute guys.  We were going to let me practice my one sentence of French that I remembered from High School.  You were going teach me how to truly rock heels like a pro, and get mad at me when I complained about how bad my feet hurt.  

My best friend, we were going to get tattoos together.  We said it so many times.  Even made plans to get one before you left on that airplane, but we never made it.  My heart hurts, mother, because I wanted that experience with you.  

My workout partner, my TAE BO buddy, my Zumba lover.  You were suppose to make it to my favorite Zumba class, I really wanted you to see how amazing he really is.  He’s never going to have that first dance with you mama, and my heart hurts because I really wanted him to have that with you.  

Mommy, I really wanted to pick that dress with you.  I needed you there to tell me I looked beautiful in that one or how horrid that other one was.  Mother, should I wear my hair up? Or my hair down?   Do I wear a veil?   I wanted to see you there, smiling, crying, happy to finally see me walk down that aisle.  Mother, I don’t know how I will make it all the way down that hall without breaking down, I truly don’t.  I can’t see how I will have the strength in that moment in my life.  

My heart hurts from all the things I can’t do with you mother.  There are so many things I still had planned for us.  There were still so many laughs, there were so many songs to sing and beats to dance to.  There were so many chocolates to try, roads to drive, planes to fly.  There were so so many more words to write.  

We still had to pick a grandmother name for you.  Surprise you when you would have a grandchild.  You were suppose to spoil her, you were suppose to comfort him.  

You were suppose to teach me how to cook ….. 

JUST KIDDING 

We were suppose to joke about how much we both suck at cooking.  

Mother, there really were so so many things I had left for us to do together.  It’s hard for me to truly believe that I will never be able to do these things with you.  It is hard to believe that you are not somewhere just writing away or dancing.  I miss you so much mother, you have no idea how much my heart hurts for you.  I love you, my mama. 

May we dance together again one day

With so so so much love, 

Your Daughter, 

Angelique Rose 

Angels Show Up in the Most Random Places

After losing my mom, I was flooded with messages from friends and family sending their love and condolences.  I found myself finding solace in talking about what happened.  In random conversation, I would start to talk about my loss, to anyone close enough to listen.  Coworkers in the break room,  friends on social media, any family that would listen.  I was reminded in these moments how much death is an awkward thing to talk about or more specifically, how awkward it is for others to listen and respond to someone else’s pain.  

I think a lot of people thought it was odd of me to talk about losing my mom so casually.  What they didn’t realize was that it helped me somehow.  It gave me peace to talk about her, even if it was about the day I lost her.  Maybe talking about losing her helped me cope and let the reality of it sink in.  I think maybe I kept replaying that day, and the information I learned to try to create some kind of theory about how and why it all happened.  Like some new clue would make things more clear.  

I don’t blame anyone for the way they dodged my conversation or the way they didn’t understand the hurt I felt from losing my mom.  I, myself, do not know how to react to someone else’s loss.  I often revert to the cliche “sorry for your loss”.  

I don’t think anyone can truly understand this loss I feel, unless they, too, have lost a parent or a child.   It’s a very lonely kind of sadness.  

Anyway…

In all my efforts to find comfort, talking to everyone and everything.  I connected with an Angel.   We met a handful of years ago.  She also lost her mother as well.  Talking to her really was a gift.  She gave me hope, comfort, understanding.  

I didn’t feel alone.

My hurt, wasn’t alone.  

What really shocked me was that, although we knew each other.  Knew of each other.  We never really had a conversation, and suddenly, here I was, talking with her about my deepest loss and she was not phased.  She wasn’t afraid to talk about loss or pain.  She wasn’t afraid to keep replying or forced to change the subject.  I wasn’t afraid to tell her how lonely this sadness was or how I was suddenly overcome with the fear of no afterlife.  

Okay,  story time :

Growing up, my mom always had an affinity for  dreamcatchers.  She had one in her car, she had some in our home.  She gave one to me as a kid.  

When my family and I went to the Philippines for my mom’s funeral, we stopped by the beach that she was at when she began to feel chest pain.  We just wanted some answers I guess, as to what really happened that day.  We were told that she stopped in front of a shop and became unconscious on their front door.  As my aunt and I asked a few questions, she looked up at the store that my mom happened to lay down at.  She was in awe, because the store was covered floor to ceiling in dreamcatchers.  She bought a handful of them for us.  It really just made me feel a little more at peace with what happened.   Like there was a touch of my mom wherever we went and that, no matter how devastated we are about what happened, GOD does things for a reason.  He calls people home when it is their time, and there isn’t really anything that we can do about that.  

I told this story to this unsuspecting Angel and one day, this necklace showed up in my mail.   She didn’t have to send me anything, she didn’t have to do anything for me, her conversation that day was far far enough, but she sent me this and it has reminded me every day that my mom is nearby and at peace.  

Thank you so much to the Angels out there that have such giant hearts.  That care when they don’t have to.  Love those that they don’t even know. 

 Just to bring peace to a broken heart.

I Love That…

I love that I think of you
In the moments that I am the most myself

In the moments that I am the most bare
In the moments that I am just me

You pop into my mind

I love that I think of you
In the moments that I am so passionate

When I sing my heart out
When I dance spontaneously

You pop into my mind

I love that I think of you
When I imagine strength

When I watch movies where a woman kicks ass
When I hear songs of a woman’s worth

I know you are near me

and, I will forever

Love that.

As Christmas Came and Went, I Really Missed My Mommy

With the hustle and bustle of the holidays, there are so many different things to think about and worry about. Traveling, gifts, money, time, family….. This Christmas my boyfriend and I road tripped five hours to spend time with my family. His sister from New Jersey that he hadn’t seen in thirteen years came with us. We really wanted to show her a good time and to take her around. We were so busy trying to fit in as much as possible in the few days we had.

We had two Christmas dinners. One from my Dad’s family and one from my Mom’s.

On the way to my Mom’s family Christmas Dinner, like a semi just ran me over, I was overwhelmed with the reminder that my last Christmas with my mom was at this house. To the shock of my boyfriend, I couldn’t stop the tears from falling. I remember my mom sitting at the dinner table laughing, I remember taking pictures together and telling stories. I remember being able to cuddle together.

And then there are things I really wish I could remember.

They say that over time, the pain of losing a love one subsides.
Some say, it never does.

For me, I feel like, the realization of losing her has slowly become more apparent. Maybe the initial heartbreak doesn’t feel as sharp, but I get waves of sadness. I will feel anger, confusion, disbelief.

If there is anything that I have learned from this experience, if there is any message that I could pass on to everyone out there reading this, my loved ones, strangers…

Please listen…

There is no anger, grudge, or fight that will matter once that person is gone. I guarantee that once you lose that person, any negative feelings you might have felt will feel like a waste of time, waste of effort, waste of energy, when you could have spent the time in love and happiness.

My mom and I had a really close relationship, she was my best friend, but there were times that we didn’t agree with each other. Reading back through some past poems or diary entries, I was reminded of the times that we may have fought, or the times that I may have felt some type of negative way about her and it is all so pointless.

None of those grudges matter
None of those negative thoughts hold any weight

When the person you love is gone all that will matter is how much you love them, the time that you now know you won’t have with them, the wasted time that you spent thinking that there was always tomorrow.

So, use the time you have together to love each other. Make the time to visit, make the time to call, tell the people you love them when you get the chance.

And appreciate who they are to you.

When You Saw The World As Beautiful

When you saw the world as beautiful

then watched it tear right down the seams

Nothing is ever as beautiful

As you hoped for it to be

This Wasn’t Her First Time

This wasn’t her first time
She knew what she was doing to herself
What she didn’t know was what she was doing to the ones around her

She looked back at a text message
“I can’t do this anymore”
Unrecognizable
She asks
“Did I write this? When?!”

He tells her
“Right before”

He tried to persuade her to eat a little more

“I’m depressed”

She says

He puts her favorite show
She reaches out her hand to feel his skin
He tries so hard to stay reassuring

The way he looks at her while she’s sleeping
The sadness​ in his eyes
Longing for the woman he fell in love with
The wish that he could take her pain away

He loves her so much
She knows she loves him too

Just sometimes

Her depression doesn’t let it matter

It’s OFFICIAL!

I received this message this morning as I woke up and the feeling of constant dread that I have had since taking my NCLEX suddenly faded away. This journey to my RN has been an extremely long one. Not just the prerequisite classes that I was taking in my early twenties, but from the beginning of my RN program to now has been a long road filled with ups and downs.

I moved to Southern California away from anyone that I knew to start my nursing program. It was me and my dog, five hours away from where we had previously been calling home. Small studio, no kitchen. My makeshift kitchen was in a small room that I also installed a closet rod in.  I hadn’t thought about it at the time, but it ended up being a VERY bad idea, considering my clothes now smelled of anything I was cooking. I slept on an air mattress for months and struggled to wash dishes in a bathroom sink. It was a challenge for sure, but I didn’t care. I found a job, I was starting nursing school, I was independent, and I was PROUD of myself.

I thought to myself.

“I AM DOING IT”

At that time in my life, I just left a relationship of seven years. I dropped my mom at the airport to move to the Philippines a couple months prior. I physically had never been more alone. I was heartbroken, I was anxious at a new job, and I was excited/stressed about managing my first semester. BUT

I WAS DOING IT

I was finding a way to wake up every morning and be positive. I was finding a way every day to earn my own trust. To learn what it meant to be truly in charge of my own life and focus on me and my well being. I was happy. I was learning how to live my life.

Fast forward a bit, I went through an eviction, repo, heartbreak, frustration, complications with paperwork and school. I went through sleep deprivation, getting laid off from my first hospital job after almost 2 years.

This year alone, I lost my mom super unexpectedly, had 2 car accidents, had a car stolen .

BUT

This journey also brought me love and friendships, adventures, the triumphs after the struggles.
It brought me a new level of self awareness.

This year alone, I graduated from nursing school, went to my little brothers wedding,

PASSED MY NCLEX

My dreams are slowly but surely becoming reality. My list of goals are being checked off.

DONE … AND DONE!

I want to tell anyone out there that has a dream. No matter the circumstances, no matter the hardships, or the roadblocks… you can do it. You can accomplish it. It may take you longer than expected, things may even feel as though they are getting thrown in your path just to make you fail, but, If you want it bad enough, if you love yourself enough to trust in your dream and put you plan into action, you can do it.

There were times that I felt like, everything was just too much. But then I would think..

“If I don’t continue this path to my giant goal, where I am right now, is the best I am ever going to get. This day that I am having RIGHT NOW is going to be the same day I will have for the rest of my life. NO… I don’t want to live this struggle forever.. and that is exactly what I will have to do if I give up”

If your goal is to not work your 9-5 and be your own boss
If your goal is to find a job you love with the talents that GOD has blessed you with
If your goal is to spend more time at home with your family, not missing your daughter’s school play because you had to work overtime

All you have to do is to put that plan in action and ask yourself….

“This feeling of being unhappy, being not content with life, is this the way I am willing to feel for the rest of my life?”

If the answer is NO

Then move your butt and put your plan in action.

A lot of people that I have met, when I tell them that I moved from Northern California alone to LA for school, have said…

“You are so brave”
“You are so strong”
“You have guts”

It means the world to me. But to be honest, being afraid was never a thought that crossed my mind. Needing to feel fear was never in the vicinity of my thought process for this particular decision because it is what I needed to do.

Goal : be a nurse

Step 1. GET INTO NURSING SCHOOL

I did

Step 2. Go to nursing school

Ok

There was no “ifs ands or buts” about any of it. So when I say go for it. Because you can do it…. I truly mean… GO FOR IT

Passing this test has meant a lot to me. It means that all the hard work I put in, all the struggles were worth it. But it is also all very bittersweet. My mom was suppose to be here to see me pass this test. I want anything in the world to be able to call her and tell her that I passed. I want to hear her scream on the other end of the phone and laugh and tell me “congrats babygirl”. I want so much to hear her say that she’s coming home and that we will celebrate.

I know that she’s around me, that she’s proud of me, that she is just as excited as I am, I just wish I could hug her and hold her hand.

I want to thank my mom, for always and forever being my cheerleader. Through all of my life decisions she had her opinion. But she also had my back. She was always the first to say she loved me and the first to tell me she was proud of me. She never skipped a beat to uplift me as a child, tell me how smart I was and that I could be anything I put my mind to. She taught me to dream and to love and all I can say is Thank you for everything. I love you.

I want to thank the rest of my family as well, my dad, my aunts and uncles, my siblings, my boyfriend. For being there for me when times were tough. For having the faith in me, that I could accomplish big things, for loving me unconditionally, even when I made decisions that made them shake their heads. I am a better person because I have all of you in my life. I can’t wait to celebrate this WIN with you. I love you all.

All Of A Sudden I Hear Your Voice

Flipping through the stationary pictures
Smelling the dress you left behind
Reading the words you left on paper
Collecting the scraps of what is left of you

All of a sudden I hear your voice
Radiating from the pinpoint speakers of my phone

I hear your laughter

I hear you giggle

Tears streamed from my eyes

But I must say

It was such a

Treat

 

Fandago’s One Word Challenge

#FOWC

#Treat

 

What I Really Wish, Is To Have You

Finally unpacking my life from April

 

Going through the nik-naks

 

Smelling your favorite dress

 

With no hint of you left on it

 

Just the aroma of packing boxes

 

Hint of dust

 

Filtering among the cherished

 

And the heartbroken

 

Pictures that I saw the day we laid you to rest

 

Evidence that you loved us all so much more than we knew

 

Undeniable proof that you longed for us the same way

 

We longed for you

 

I hold each piece of your jewelry

 

As if

 

Somehow

 

If I could just gather them all

 

I could put you back together again

 

The necklace you wore the day you left us

 

The matching ring

 

The turquoise

 

The gold

 

The hearts

 

The stones

 

Holding each piece

 

Like each piece holds a piece of your soul

 

Maybe if I could just soak all of it in

 

I could have you back in my life

 

An old fashioned camera

 

Rolls of film

 

How I long for each roll

 

To fill me with memories I never had

 

Memories of your life that I never got to see lived

 

There is nothing more that I wish

 

Than to feel connected to you

 

Wishing I could wear every piece of jewelry at once

 

Wishing I could see life through your eyes

 

Read all the words that were written

 

As you bore your soul

 

All I have left are your pieces

 

Your pages

 

And what I really wish

 

Is to have you

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

She Told Me To Love Myself For Who I Am

I dreamt of my mom for the first time last night since the news of her death in April.

 

The thing is, we have both always believed in the afterlife.  Despite what we believed in as far as religion was concerned, we both very strongly believed that our bodies had a soul, a spirit, a life force, and that, after death we would be just as much alive as a spirit as we were in a physical body.

 

When my mom died, so unexpectedly, I held on to that belief.  I thought to myself, “she was my best friend, nobody knew me down to the depths of my soul like she did and no one knew her as much as I did.  If she came to visit me after death, I would know.  If she wanted me to know something, she would find a way to tell me.  If she wanted to be near me, I would feel her.  There is no possible way that her spirit could be near me without me knowing.”

 

And then…

 

A week passed by and I didn’t know what I was supposed to feel, but I didn’t feel her.  I didn’t smell her perfume, I didn’t become overwhelmed with her emotions, I didn’t dream of her, I didn’t get goosebumps, or feel her near me.

 

I found ways to rationalize it to myself.  “Maybe she has unfinished business elsewhere?  Maybe she is angry with someone and is wreaking havoc there?  Maybe she is in some type of transition?”

 

It all might seem silly to someone else reading this.  It might seem completely insane to someone who doesn’t believe in the afterlife.  But, I had to have a reason….

 

“I would know if she was near me, why haven’t I felt her near me?”

 

You hear throughout life, from other people who have experienced loss, that they feel their loved one around them all the time, that they feel them like an embrace from the surrounding air.  They say they feel their loved one walking beside them throughout life and during all their important experiences.

 

“where is she then? Where is this unquestionable feeling?”

 

I spent over a week in a room with her casket.  Everyday, all day, beside her, and I spoke to her.  I searched for her.  Any sign of her.  I was grasping at straws.

 

My mom was an extremely strong woman, filled with fire, energy, and a love for life.

IMG_0826

I thought, if anyone were to be a spirit and want to make her presence known, it would be her.  She would find the strength to knock a cup down, she would.

 

Through all of this, I experienced the normal stages of grief.  Over and over in short cycles.

 

Mostly

DENIAL……ANGER…DEPRESSION… ACCEPTANCE

 

Waves of cycles

 

I began to become overwhelmed with this sadness and fear.

 

“What if I don’t feel her, because, there is no afterlife?  What if, when you die, you are just gone, life is over, there is no checking in on loved ones, there is nothing but -dark-empty-nothing?”

 

I didn’t want that for her, I can’t rely on the belief that there is nothing after death.

 

Well, two months later

 

I dreamt of my mom for the first time since she died.

 

I can’t say one way or another what any of that means.  I can’t say it’s her visiting me, I can’t say it’s anything more than my brain thinking of her while I’m asleep.  I can’t even say that I feel her around me.

 

But…

 

For my own grieving process.

For my own closure.

For my own ability to find peace in losing her.

 

She sent me a message that night.

 

She told me to love myself for who I am.

She told me to take the insecurities and F*** them all.

She told me to enjoy my life and be happy in the body I’m in.

She told me to stop stressing over the little things in life that don’t matter

She told me to always remember the memories, but to walk over the burnt down and broken, and move forward.

 

I can’t be mad at her for that

 

Forgive me

Forgive me LORD

I do not think I have truly prayed to you

Since the day that you took her home

 

It is not for lack of love

It is not for lack of want

It is not for gain of hatred

It is not for gain of loss

 

Maybe I am not ready yet

For the floods to pour in

 

Maybe I am breathless

For the gasp of surprise has taken me

Hostage

 

Maybe I am at a loss for words

Because the disbelief has me gawking

 

I want you to know LORD

I still trust in this path you have laid out for me

I trust that everything you have done

Is never without reason

 

You LORD

Have my heart in your hands

And I believe you will

Mend me

Guide me

Heal me

 

But

 

Forgive me LORD

 

I know that I have not prayed since

The day she flew home to sit by your side

 

I know you have seen me try

But they were prayers of the skin and not the heart

 

I think

I am a little lost right now LORD

I am a little broken

But I love you

And I trust you

To make me whole again

It was Beautiful when you played it out in my head

Maybe I’ll take a page out of your story mother

It was beautiful when you played it out in my head

 

Green backdrop

Sun shining

The smell of pine

Or maybe forest

The smell of bark

Aroma of nature

Because you were a wild woman

That wanted to be set free

 

Surrounded by only those you loved

Because who would travel out to the middle of nowhere

Except for the ones that loved you just as hard

 

Your dress

Flowing and crimson red

Because you were not the delicate white flower

That these occasions paint people to be

You were fire

Ignited by your love for life

Fueled by your love for laughter

You glowed bright

Because the last thing you ever wanted

Was to fade into the crowd

 

Diamonds embedded in white gold

Laid upon a bed of moss

Because satin pillows were too fragile

For the way you planned on spending your nights

 

I know you mother

You would of walked that path solo

To the man who held your heart

As we all gazed upon your beauty

 

But I, mother

I didn’t want to walk that isle lonely

I am not sure how I will face that day

I will be filled with happiness and love

But I will also be broken

How can I hand this man my heart?

He will feel the deception

He will feel it light

For it lost its fullness

When I lost you

 

How mother?

How will I have the strength

To put on that dress

The strength you had in crimson red

I will crack in eggshell white

 

How will I hear the echo of the song?

The song of a story that is about to begin

When all I will hear is a reminder

Of when the echo of your laughter

ceased to exist

 

I will imagine you there, mother

I will save you a seat

I will hold your hand

I will save you a dance, mother

Because that is all I can do

That’s all that I can

 

I will wear crimson upon my chest

To give me your strength

 

I will place the rainforest upon

My table tops to represent

Freedom

To represent

Life

 

I will surround myself with the people

I love

and the people that love me just as hard

 

I will fill my life with laughter

Because that is the only way I will be able

To keep you alive in my life

 

I will try not to taint every happy moment

with the sadness of my loss

 

I will try not to grey out every sunshine

With the rainclouds of my tears

 

But I don’t think my future chapters

Will ever be as bright, mother

I don’t think my story will ever be As beautiful

as the story you painted me

Because every chapter I write

from Now on

will be void of your presence

Will be void of you voice

Will be void of your smile

Will be void of a giant piece of me

 

 

 

 

 

 

Life will not stop for a life lost

In one phone call, my world came colliding down

“she will miss you” – he said

As a crackle in his voice slipped through the telephone waves

Thousands of miles away

That heartbreak only took a millisecond to deliver

Even at that moment

I felt emptiness

Yet disbelief

There is no way that the fire in her has been distinguished

There is no way that the light in her had gone dark

With closed eyes

And a deep inhale

I cannot explain what I feel inside

The closest person to me is no longer existent on this earth

My best friend is no longer just a phone call away

The only person that made me laugh from my gut is gone

She was the one and

only one

It’s preposterous the way one’s world completely gets turned inside out

Like the universe just reached in and

pulled my last laughter right from my mouth

It’s insane how my world just took a standstill

But nothing around me stopped moving

Life will not stop for a life lost

The world does not stop turning just because mine toppled from its axis

Other people still need me

although I have not much to give

My future calls me

Although all I want is some time to breathe

Responsibilities demand me

Despite the fact that my brain wishes all too much

Just not to think

I still cannot fathom that you are not just spending your days

On the other side of the world

Awake while I slumber

I cannot understand

That I will no longer see you online

And write you just to bother

I will miss the

“hey baby”

To my

“hey mama”

I do not know how to say “goodbye”

Mother

Because the world keeps spinning for me to move forward

But my heart keeps reminding me

That you are no longer moving forward with me

I may be nothing but a stranger

To the girl I met today,

I want you to know,

that I feel your torment.

 

In the way that you evade my eyes

in the way that your eyes gloss over

 

with the pink tinge of a girl that has cried

from the full of the moon

till it blessed us with its smile.

 

I know you are hurt.

I want you to know that you are not alone.

 

the crackle in your voice

caused by sobbing,

a throat, exhausted by the howling

 

I know that you are void of all happiness.

I have been there too.

 

your anger is too full right now,

your sadness is more

cavernous than the oceans combined,

 

but I am here

 

my small talk;

my attempts to distract you

from the agony you are feeling,

 

my venture to convince you that

I am right there beside you

 

I am trying to let you know

I have felt it,

 

I have lived it more than once,

and I am alive and well today.

 

everything will be okay.

I know

 

I know that you will not believe me

just like I didn’t believe myself.

 

I know that there are no words,

no utterances, that will make you believe otherwise.

 

at least not until the anger subsides

 

But to the girl that I met today,

I just want to tell you how beautiful you really are

 

that his actions do not define you.

 

his deceit is not a repercussion of your worth.

 

the moment you heard the truth

that pit in your stomach, hollow hearted, emptiness

you feel

 

will not be what you will feel forever

I know

 

I want to embrace you

but, I am but a stranger

 

there is a boundary and a wall

and I know you will cringe to hear my love story

but

to the girl I met today..

 

you will be okay.

 

sincerely,

a wonderfully mended heart