Calm your worries and feed your dreams
How I wish there was an off switch the moment my head graced the pillow with its presence
But instead, I am left with a bombardment of thoughts and questions
Things I am not prepared to answer
Questions, I am still afraid to truly ask
I wish there was an off switch
Synchronized with the lights
So when I dimmed the room for relaxation, my mind grew foggy along with it
She carries that shield as though the armor upon her chest may give way from multiple defenses
Crossbow in hand to ward off those that approach from enemy lines
Daggers at the ready because sometimes they say to keep your friends close but your enemies closer
.
She spent so long trying to keep the dangers away, she forgot she also wasn’t letting love penetrate her skin.
She didn’t realize that leaving the bandages on her wounds for too long were allowing them to fester
Trapping the insidious
Killing all she thought she was protecting
.
So, take the armor off babe
.
Let your heart breathe
Take some weight off of your shoulders hun
I know that you have felt heavy for some time now
.
Take the armor off babe
.
Feel some sun on that skin
Start some healing from within
Feel his touch
Because you need it just as much as he
Soak in his love
Because you both deserve for you to
.
Take off the armor babe
.
You are okay
I Promise you
She was always “the one that got away”
The one that loved until her heart bled dry
The one that gave and gave
Until even her capillaries collapsed from being hollow
.
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She was always the one that held on too long
Until her calloused hands gave way
Until her knees buckled from the weight
.
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She was always the one that felt a hand reach out for her
As soon as she was just out of reach
The one that heard her name being called from the tree tops
As she ventured out of the city
The one that saw fireworks spelling out her name
As she rode her own self out into the sunset
.
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Because she never needed anyone to take her on that bike
She never depended on anyone to keep her warm
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She was a fire all on her own
.
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She may have been directionally challenged
But give her the tools and by God she will find herself exactly where she needed to be
.
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She was always “the one that got away”
Because the men in her life didn’t know whether to fan her fire
Or deprive her of the oxygen to shine
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The men in her life were either terrified that beside her,
She would either burn much brighter
Or push them to ignite their own
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And neither option ever felt right for them at the time
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She was always “the one that got away”
Because once she decided she was done
She was never turning back
She was never refueling her heart for the same drive
.
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And the men in her life thought that
She would always be there to pick them up when they fell
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In every love story, she was never replaceable
Her fire burned a different shade of bright
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In every love story,
The new, the next, and the right after
Sat dim in comparison to her
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In every love story,
They looked for her
They cried for her
They feened for her
They hungered for every bit of love she fed them
.
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Because you never know what you have lost
Until it’s really gone
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You never know what you have lost
Until you tasted and nothing tastes as sweet
Until you have hugged and no one is as warm
Until you have tried and realized that no one else
Compares
.
.
And you fear you will see her hand in hand
With someone that appreciates her
With someone that loves her
With someone that is ready to fan her fire
And ignite his own
.
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Because that is exactly who she needs
When a fire shines that bright
.
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A man who wants to feed her fire
Not because she needs him to
Not because she will wither away without him
But because he is fueled by her beauty
He shines just as bright without her
But glows with her by his side
.
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When fire meets fire
She is no longer “the one that got away”
He is no longer the hands that got burned by her flame
They are no longer fires at either end waiting
For who will survive without oxygen the longest
.
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Because their flame shines brighter with them together
Their fire brightens the pathway forward
Their fire pushes the darkness away from their souls
.
.
She is no longer “the one that got away” because
She is shining
She is loving
She is HERE
.
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Neversilencethemadness.com
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ORIGINAL POST: WHEN YOU THINK YOU SEE ME….
My attempt at doing the impossible, getting people that don’t have anxiety or panic attacks, to understand what it may feel like. Especially since so many people that suffer with anxiety have the capability to appear completely fine, while they struggle within.
She thought she knew what she wanted
She thought that it was all planned out and laid out in front of her
The hopeless romantic in her, told her that she would fall in love
She would get the ring, she would get married, have the babies, live in the beautiful home with her family and her dogs
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One broken heart after another
She began to retreat a little bit further
.
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Maybe it was the amount of times her heart broke
Maybe it was a defense mechanism building a wall around that heart
Maybe time made her begin to lose patience
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But she began to feel as though
Maybe she didn’t want that dream anymore
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Maybe that dream was never meant for her
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It was an endless disappointment every time she fell in love without bearing the fruit of the future
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It was an expectation that she was exhausted from wanting to fulfill
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She wanted it so badly, she decided she didn’t want it at all
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I mean, what was it all really?
Besides money on a finger, besides signatures on a paper
Maybe there were more cons than pros anyway
It’s not like any of it meant promises wouldn’t be broken on a future day
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Maybe she had just become jaded
Maybe fear had taken over
That maybe vows meant nothing to her future lover
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Either way
She couldn’t tell if it was frustration or sadness
Desperation or fear
whatever it was
.
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She wanted it so badly, she decided
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She really didn’t want any of it, anymore
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Neversilencethemadness.com
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#bloggerstyle #blogger #poetry #poemsofinstagram #poetrylovers #poet #spokenword
original poem : BROKEN PIECES
Sometimes, we feel like we have been through so much in our life that we broken.
Sometimes, we meet that person that wants to be there to hold your hand while you heal
and sometimes, I think we worry that those burdens are just way too much for our loved ones to hold on to with you and in reality, it isn’t anyone else’s responsibility to heal you.
but sometimes we meet that person that wants to hold your hand while you heal despite the difficulties, despite tears, because they love you.
He listened to her intently as the tears fell from her cheeks
He stared at her bewildered as she gasped for breaths between words
Had he known that his choices at the precipice of her love would break her even 20 years into the future, he might have chosen differently
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But would he really?
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As she lay, curled into the blanket, limbs writhing from the pain radiating from her heart, from the memories of her past, he stood there, mouth gaping wide
.
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How could he have been so careless?
How could he take her gentle soul and defame it ?
How could he take all the love she gave him and set it down as if it wasn’t the most precious gift she could have offered?
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“Your love traumatized me” she wailed
“I gave you every part of me” she groaned
.
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As she doubled over in pain, in weakness, in horror
There was nothing he could do but place a hand on her shoulder for comfort
.
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She was right
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Every way that he had fractured her heart initiated the deep cracks that still find themselves way too difficult to heal
.
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No matter what she did to smooth out the edges, fill in the holes
No matter what man came to her with love and praise and affection
.
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She was never able to satiate the ache her heart felt
.
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His words echoed in every future relationship
His doubt and hesitation manifested into her fear for the future
.
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And with each failed love story, she felt increasingly defeated
.
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A little more hopeless
A little more helpless
A little more pessimistic
.
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But his love story, their love story
Will always be the love story that broke her
.
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Their love story will always be the one that started it all
Their love story will always be the one that took her gentle soul, her innocent love, and her forgiving heart and crushed it, demolished it, tarnished it
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He wished with every fiber of his being that he could rewrite their love story
That he could erase the pain
That he could heal her broken parts
.
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But a love story cannot be rewritten, it cannot be unwritten
She just has to find a way to give herself the happy ending that she knows she deserves on her own
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Neversilencethemadness.com
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I Found a Boy- Adele
There are so many things in this life that I’d love to do, but feel so shy to do, scared to do, timid to do. Little by little I have broken through small hurdles.. and today, I wanna try to jump over another one.
All my life, I have loved singing. I would sing karaoke through the night, as long as I thought no one could hear me. As soon as I heard a door creak, my throat would close, and I couldn’t get a note out. I would say, the only person that has heard me sing at the top of my lungs is my partner. Thank goodness, 🙏 he allows me to sing through all the road trips, through all the cleaning days without judging me, without complaining that I’m an ear sore 😝.
He make me feel so comfortable to be my 100% true self. Open, vulnerable, raw. I am in no way, a great singer lol, but I love to sing, I love listening to the passions in others’ voices and I wish that for myself. My partner encourages me to love myself and my passions, he is super supportive with the things I do end up trying.
Anyway… Here I am, working up the courage to do something I’m afraid of. I still feel shy recording myself singing, I’m terrified to make it public lol. But …. why not… live my life, love myself, and stop holding back.
original poem : I May Be Nothing But a Stranger
People cross our paths every day whether it’s a lasting relationship, first and only impression, or a person meant to change our route and walk away. We never know what someone else is going through. The least we can offer anyone in this world, is compassion. We need to have love, spread love, give love, to be able to be someone that is capable of receiving love in return.
Just a poem about a woman who lost her son in one of the most unimaginable heartbreaking ways and the way that she still smiles toward the world and tries to carry on with her life. We never know the hurt that is going on within someone else. So, let’s all please be kind, love, allow yourself to be loved, and ask for the help when you need it. ❤️
original poem : Dimples, Deep as the Oceans
When his lips touched yours
All the wailing cries from every heartbreak
Were sucked out of your body
Like a cleansing of your soul
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When your fingers touched,
Every tear you cried became the fuel for a better tomorrow
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When you handed him you heart, he buffed out all the imperfections
Left by the men that couldn’t handle you
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And he gave it back nearly perfect
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He made you believe that you were his forever
He made you believe that he was yours too
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The happiness in your smile makes me believe
That you thought he would never leave you
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He spoke to you of all the ways
And all the ways
And all the ways
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He spoke to you of the future
And all the days
And the way he would stay.
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He held your hand and you thought
“This warmth could survive me through a winter storm”
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You wouldn’t imagine life without him anymore
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Yes, he made you believe
.
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That it was you and him forever
.
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You couldn’t have known that it would be your last December
.
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When he walked away so suddenly, your heart was ripped entirely from your chest
He promised you so much more
He handed you so much less
.
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He made you believe you were his forever
He made you believe he was yours too
.
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Then you were stuck in the sidelines as he rode away with her to get away from you
.
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As he rode into the sunset with his new love between his arms
You were deserted, deflated, embarrassed, appalled
Because the one you loved so quickly
Never really loved you at all
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Neversilencethemadness.com
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#bloggerstyle #blogger #poetry #poemsofinstagram #poetrylovers #poet
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I wrote this poem back in 2016, after moving to LA from Northern California. I came here for Nursing School and I made the move all alone. I walked away from a long term relationship because he wasn’t ready to make the move with me and that left me feeling very confused. I was proud of myself for making the move, for my future, for my well being. I was excited because I was beginning this new chapter of my life filled with growth and it was a road I knew without a doubt that I wanted to take, but walking away from someone that I had spent the last 6 years with in the same breath, was heartbreaking. The first year or two in LA was a time for rediscovery. I was learning how to live my life for myself and not having to worry about another persons needs. For the first time in my life, I was only needing to care about what I wanted and what I needed. But I was left with insecurities that ran deep into my childhood and were reinforced by a relationship that didn’t work. That’s when I found my passion in dancing again and I realized within those years how much dancing filled me with happiness, and confidence. It took time before I was able to slowly break free from some of the constraints I had within myself, but I owe all of it to music, dance, and a special someone that never gave up on me. In the moments that I was at my lowest, I had someone new in my life that never let me feel the insecurities that weighed me down. When I didn’t have the confidence to shake the thoughts off, he was there to remind me of how amazing he thought I was. Eventually, I began to believe it.
It’s amazingly true, that positive affirmations can change your mindset and change your life. Even when I struggled to believe ALL the things, he pushed me to say them over and over again. He made me believe them, and eventually I rediscovered the love that I had for myself.
I still struggle on a daily with insecurities, with anxiety. I still question myself and have doubts. I still keep myself in a bubble and shy away from things that I enjoy because of my own fears of letting loose. But I work on it every day as well. I have a supportive partner that encourages me to love myself and reminds me of all my potential. Every day, I hope to rediscover more about myself, love more about myself, and break away from the bubble I keep myself in. Every day is a new chance for change and growth that I hope to continue for the rest of my life.
original poem : Rediscovery
I know your heart aches for him hun
But he is no longer yours to love
.
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I’m sorry that he rode past you in the sunset
I’m sorry that he made you feel as though you weren’t enough
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He took the little pieces of your broken heart, sewed them back together
Just to take that seam apart
His bare hands with a ripper
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I know you love him babe
But his heart belongs to someone else
He took his heart
Placed it in her hands
The cards that he holds
Are the cards that he’s been dealt
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You need to let him go, love
His hands are no longer the hands for you to grasp when you are afraid
Because when she becomes lonely
her body is where his hands lay
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women move on when they are ready
Not a second too soon, not a moment too late
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But hun, you cannot fight what is fate
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There is so much more to life, love
You will find the one that wants you near
.
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But he is not the one you are searching for
The love of your life, is not him, my dear
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Neversilencethemadness.com
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#bloggerstyle #blogger #poetry #poemsofinstagram #poetrylovers #poet
I’ve always LOVED listening to spoken word. Some really amazing poets have made me cry my eyes out with their beautiful words and the way that they convey those emotions in spoken word. I have been shy my entire life and things that I am passionate about are things that I find difficult to be open and vulnerable in. I decided to start recording my poems starting from the first one I have posted here on my blog.
I have always been super uncomfortable on camera especially on video, but I want to start breaking out of my little shy bubble and trying different things for my own self growth and self love.
This is my first time recording a poem like this, so please be gentle. One day I hope to be able to not be so shy and perform my poetry with the emotions that I feel with them…. until then… here I go…..
original poem : Don’t lift me up to drop me
A lot happened in the short amount of time between when my grandma got sick and when I lost her. The timeline is something that I feel like I will forever hold dear. In my last full conversation with my grandmother, she spontaneously called my sister and I on video chat and she talked to us while I was on my way to work. She spoke of all the things she normally mentioned, we said our goodbyes, we told her we loved her and that we would talk to her later.
The thing that I thought was odd about that goodbye, was that she asked me to call her on my break. She never asked me to call her that quickly. She would usually say something to the effect of “call me later, talk to you soon” but she never told me to call her on my lunch break. I didn’t think too much of it, but the next time I was able to really talk to her, she was on oxygen. We spoke for a moment, she was able to talk to me, but I could tell it was hard for her to speak for very long, so I told her to rest and that I would call her again soon. She gained her wings a few days after that.
I fight tears typing this memory of my last moments with my Grandma because, like everyone I know that has lost a loved one, we wish we had more time, we wish the phone call was longer, we wish we could have visited one last time. I know that I called my grandma often, I know that I always made sure I told her how much I loved her, and how much I missed her, but I wish I could have done more.
She helped raise me my entire life. My memories of her are all good ones; rocking me on her legs when I was sick, hanging out with me at the mall. She would always stop at McDonald’s and get a fish filet with fries and no salt with a Diet Coke. It wasn’t until I became an adult that I realized it was never called a fish filet, and that it was called “filet of fish”. She would walk me to the library as a kid and feed my love of books. We would go to random stores and she would ask me to pick something out that I wanted, and I was always browsing book stores for my next favorite read. We would sing karaoke together as my Grandpa would say we were out of tune 😂. I would help her with her little yard sales and packing her balikbayan boxes.
My Grandma held one of the biggest parts of my heart and losing her was something I feared for forever.
ANYWAY
The point of my post was not to reminisce about my Grandma, but to tell you about a dream I had after she passed away.
Whatever your spiritual or religious beliefs are, I have to say, there is definitely a common thread between people that have lost loved ones, and then dreaming of their loved ones saying goodbye.
A few days after losing my Grandma, I had a dream. I was being driven by someone on the backroad of somewhere. It was evening it seemed like. looked like a storm was coming but it wasn’t raining yet. I was thinking that I needed to find my Grandma because I knew she was leaving and I needed to see her before she left. I ended up catching her going in the opposite direction as I was on the road, and we flipped a U-turn and met up with my Grandma in some garage. We both got out of the car and hugged each other super tight. We were both crying and I was telling her
“I don’t want you to go home yet, I don’t want you to go”
and my Grandma replied “I have to go”
It was then that I woke up and I was balling my eyes out. The rest of that day was a hard day. But I knew that she was telling me goodbye. She was giving my soul a last hug from her. She was letting me know that everything was going to be okay.
I heard somewhere that when we lose loved ones, we are so saddened by that loss, we are sad for them. The reality is, when our loved ones gain their wings, they are at peace. They are surrounded by their lost loved ones. They are happy. The reason why we are so saddened is because we are sad for the moments we won’t have with them, the moments we will miss them, the moments we want them to have with us.
I am sure that our loved ones are sad to leave our physical world. but once they gain their wings, they can be with us always. They will be with us in all those moments, they are beside us when we need them most.
Maybe you don’t believe in the afterlife. Maybe you don’t believe in spirits or them being able to visit after death. But for me, I find comfort in knowing my Grandma reached out to me. She gave me a hug before she left. We cried together, we said goodbye. And she waits in heaven with Grandpa and her siblings, for the day that we are all together again.
I let her sleep because I know ..
when she’s awake her thoughts are a minefield
Speckled with all the moments that make her heart explode with sadness
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When she is caught dreaming
I let her enjoy those minutes
.
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Because I know that the second she is awake
She is bombarded with a laundry list that she alone has made urgent
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I let her sleep because for a few short breaths
Her brows are unfurled
Her face, peaceful
And as soon as that is interrupted
The worry and anxiety creep in
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Every “what if” is a scenario that has happened
All possibilities become fact
Intervened by the rational parts of her mind
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Her psyche
A sword fight
With no real winner
While she sits in the audience preparing for which
Long lost friend she will have to have to put to rest first
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Her body
Ready to fight
Her legs ready for flight
Adrenaline coursing through her veins
To save her from the unknown monster
She’s struggling with that day
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You see…
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I let her sleep because I love her
I let her sleep because there is only so much I can do to save her
There is only so much I can do to protect her
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And when I see her peaceful,
Even for just a moment,
I could never take that from her
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Neversilencethemadness.com
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#bloggerstyle #blogger #poetry #poemsofinstagram #poetrylovers
I understand why she wanted
To walk away from this world
Why, when death started knocking
She opened the door and let him in
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She was tired of all the moments that her heart broke
She was tired of mustering all her strength to put it back together
She was tired of the endless fear
The chipping away of her plaster encased heart
And the fragile contents within
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When death came knocking
She smiled and opened the door
“I’ve been waiting for you” she said
“Take me, death. I have grown impatient”
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What torture this life has been
The never ending strive for better
For happiness
For success
For love
For acceptance
For laughs
And hugs
And tender fingertips
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Passionate kisses were never so hard to find
.
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And
A man that would throw her heart around
Was always around the corner
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But when morning comes
And the truth invades
She wished that she could not exist
She wished that she could tear through the temporary comfort that softened her fall
She wished she could rip through her own skin
Make herself inside out
Bleed until she slept an endless nap
She wanted to break faces
Hear her echoed screams
Burn a house down to its bones
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Why was life so difficult?
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Why was happiness a foreign language,
That surfaced so few and far between?
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She wanted it all to stop
Her worry
Her beating heart
Her fear
Her tears
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And then death came knocking at her door
She smiled her own mischievous smile
And said ..
“Take me”
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Neversilencethemadness.com
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#bloggerstyle #blogger #poetry #poemsofinstagram #poetrylovers
As I sit here on my lunch break at work tonight
I dig into the first pot pie I’ve had in years
Daydream of my childhood
When my mom would make pot pies for dinner
When we had blueberry pie and vanilla ice cream for a treat
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I didn’t know then
What a simple pot pie would mean to me now
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I didn’t know before
The warmth of this pot pie
Would also bring warmth to my heart
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Remembrance of the family I lost
The time we had together
The aroma of laughter
And a stomach full of stability and peace
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Pot pies, apparently remind me of my mother
Of the days when she was my mommy
Of the long evenings playing in the backyard
Of the living room workouts
Of the halloween costumes that she would make from scratch
Of the movie dates
Of karate class
When she would cheer me on from the side lines hoping I would eventually throw a punch
Of the leotards for gymnastics
Of the cartwheels I couldn’t do
Of the long sushi lunch
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It all reminds me of her
Of my little hand in hers
Of our chubby fingers
And our chubby toes
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Laughing about the little things that only her and I know
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Pot pies remind me a lot of my mother
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When she would call us in for dinner
Dance her way around
With hugs strong enough to smother
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When she would sit us all down
Sing her way to the freezer
And then surprise us with dessert
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Neversilencethemadness.com
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#bloggerstyle #blogger #poetry #poemsofinstagram #poetrylovers
Most days
I do the things I Love
I seek out the things that make me happy
I love the people around me that I hold dear
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Most days
I dance because I love the music
I sing because I love the words
I cry because I feel the passion
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Most days
I live my life
Go from point A to point B
Grateful for the day I have been given
Hopeful for tomorrow
Learning from the memory of my past
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Most days
I inhale the beauty that this world places before me
I exhale the impossibles
And I get myself to tomorrow
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But …..
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Some days
I miss the comfort of being able to call you any time of the day
To hear your voice
To vent insecurities
To remind ourselves that we are queens
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Some days
I really miss the road trips
The Cuddles
And hearing your laughter
I miss the way your hand held mine
The way your laughter turned your face red
And I could barely catch a glimpse of your eyes
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Some days
I fear that I will never be able to laugh again
That I will forever only be able to giggle
That I will only have enough happiness in me to smile
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Some days
I fear that I will never be whole
Because you are no longer with me
There will always be a veil of sadness
There will always be a piece missing
.
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Most days, mother
I tell myself that everything happens for a reason
I find comfort in knowing that you are happy and at peace
Free of the stress and struggle that the physical world hands us
.
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But some days, mother
My heart breaks from your absence
My heart aches for the future we will not have together
For the grandchildren you will not meet
For the dances we will not dance
Songs we will not sing
The unfinished dreams that you held in your pocket
That never got to see the light of day
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Some days, mother
I miss you so terribly
I cannot believe that you are not here with me
But I get myself together
Wipe the tears
And I make it to tomorrow
My hands are your hands
In the daintiness that they lay
In the chubbiness that our fingers sit
In the thickness that our nails grow
Your hands are my hands
In the way that you snap your fingers as you dance
And flip your long hair
And twirl your rings
My hands are your hands
And it is a beautiful reminder everyday that you are still with me
Dear Mother,
There are so many things that I still wanted to do with you. We always talked about more dances together. We have gone out dancing together twice in our lives. I thought we had so many more late nights left to go. We joked about loving dancing so much, we would go out, you in your wheelchair, and me with my cane. I so wanted to do that with you mother.
My mommy dearest, we had road trips planned that we could sing our hearts out to. We had vacations in mind. We had scrapbooks to fill. We were suppose to find ourselves at some French cafe loving the food but hating the portion size. We were going to smile and giggle at the cute guys. We were going to let me practice my one sentence of French that I remembered from High School. You were going teach me how to truly rock heels like a pro, and get mad at me when I complained about how bad my feet hurt.
My best friend, we were going to get tattoos together. We said it so many times. Even made plans to get one before you left on that airplane, but we never made it. My heart hurts, mother, because I wanted that experience with you.
My workout partner, my TAE BO buddy, my Zumba lover. You were suppose to make it to my favorite Zumba class, I really wanted you to see how amazing he really is. He’s never going to have that first dance with you mama, and my heart hurts because I really wanted him to have that with you.
Mommy, I really wanted to pick that dress with you. I needed you there to tell me I looked beautiful in that one or how horrid that other one was. Mother, should I wear my hair up? Or my hair down? Do I wear a veil? I wanted to see you there, smiling, crying, happy to finally see me walk down that aisle. Mother, I don’t know how I will make it all the way down that hall without breaking down, I truly don’t. I can’t see how I will have the strength in that moment in my life.
My heart hurts from all the things I can’t do with you mother. There are so many things I still had planned for us. There were still so many laughs, there were so many songs to sing and beats to dance to. There were so many chocolates to try, roads to drive, planes to fly. There were so so many more words to write.
We still had to pick a grandmother name for you. Surprise you when you would have a grandchild. You were suppose to spoil her, you were suppose to comfort him.
You were suppose to teach me how to cook …..
JUST KIDDING
We were suppose to joke about how much we both suck at cooking.
Mother, there really were so so many things I had left for us to do together. It’s hard for me to truly believe that I will never be able to do these things with you. It is hard to believe that you are not somewhere just writing away or dancing. I miss you so much mother, you have no idea how much my heart hurts for you. I love you, my mama.
May we dance together again one day
With so so so much love,
Your Daughter,
Angelique Rose
After losing my mom, I was flooded with messages from friends and family sending their love and condolences. I found myself finding solace in talking about what happened. In random conversation, I would start to talk about my loss, to anyone close enough to listen. Coworkers in the break room, friends on social media, any family that would listen. I was reminded in these moments how much death is an awkward thing to talk about or more specifically, how awkward it is for others to listen and respond to someone else’s pain.
I think a lot of people thought it was odd of me to talk about losing my mom so casually. What they didn’t realize was that it helped me somehow. It gave me peace to talk about her, even if it was about the day I lost her. Maybe talking about losing her helped me cope and let the reality of it sink in. I think maybe I kept replaying that day, and the information I learned to try to create some kind of theory about how and why it all happened. Like some new clue would make things more clear.
I don’t blame anyone for the way they dodged my conversation or the way they didn’t understand the hurt I felt from losing my mom. I, myself, do not know how to react to someone else’s loss. I often revert to the cliche “sorry for your loss”.
I don’t think anyone can truly understand this loss I feel, unless they, too, have lost a parent or a child. It’s a very lonely kind of sadness.
Anyway…
In all my efforts to find comfort, talking to everyone and everything. I connected with an Angel. We met a handful of years ago. She also lost her mother as well. Talking to her really was a gift. She gave me hope, comfort, understanding.
I didn’t feel alone.
My hurt, wasn’t alone.
What really shocked me was that, although we knew each other. Knew of each other. We never really had a conversation, and suddenly, here I was, talking with her about my deepest loss and she was not phased. She wasn’t afraid to talk about loss or pain. She wasn’t afraid to keep replying or forced to change the subject. I wasn’t afraid to tell her how lonely this sadness was or how I was suddenly overcome with the fear of no afterlife.
Okay, story time :
Growing up, my mom always had an affinity for dreamcatchers. She had one in her car, she had some in our home. She gave one to me as a kid.
When my family and I went to the Philippines for my mom’s funeral, we stopped by the beach that she was at when she began to feel chest pain. We just wanted some answers I guess, as to what really happened that day. We were told that she stopped in front of a shop and became unconscious on their front door. As my aunt and I asked a few questions, she looked up at the store that my mom happened to lay down at. She was in awe, because the store was covered floor to ceiling in dreamcatchers. She bought a handful of them for us. It really just made me feel a little more at peace with what happened. Like there was a touch of my mom wherever we went and that, no matter how devastated we are about what happened, GOD does things for a reason. He calls people home when it is their time, and there isn’t really anything that we can do about that.
I told this story to this unsuspecting Angel and one day, this necklace showed up in my mail. She didn’t have to send me anything, she didn’t have to do anything for me, her conversation that day was far far enough, but she sent me this and it has reminded me every day that my mom is nearby and at peace.
Thank you so much to the Angels out there that have such giant hearts. That care when they don’t have to. Love those that they don’t even know.
Just to bring peace to a broken heart.
I love that I think of you
In the moments that I am the most myself
In the moments that I am the most bare
In the moments that I am just me
You pop into my mind
I love that I think of you
In the moments that I am so passionate
When I sing my heart out
When I dance spontaneously
You pop into my mind
I love that I think of you
When I imagine strength
When I watch movies where a woman kicks ass
When I hear songs of a woman’s worth
I know you are near me
and, I will forever
Love that.
With the hustle and bustle of the holidays, there are so many different things to think about and worry about. Traveling, gifts, money, time, family….. This Christmas my boyfriend and I road tripped five hours to spend time with my family. His sister from New Jersey that he hadn’t seen in thirteen years came with us. We really wanted to show her a good time and to take her around. We were so busy trying to fit in as much as possible in the few days we had.
On the way to my Mom’s family Christmas Dinner, like a semi just ran me over, I was overwhelmed with the reminder that my last Christmas with my mom was at this house. To the shock of my boyfriend, I couldn’t stop the tears from falling. I remember my mom sitting at the dinner table laughing, I remember taking pictures together and telling stories. I remember being able to cuddle together.
And then there are things I really wish I could remember.
They say that over time, the pain of losing a love one subsides.
Some say, it never does.
For me, I feel like, the realization of losing her has slowly become more apparent. Maybe the initial heartbreak doesn’t feel as sharp, but I get waves of sadness. I will feel anger, confusion, disbelief.
If there is anything that I have learned from this experience, if there is any message that I could pass on to everyone out there reading this, my loved ones, strangers…
Please listen…
There is no anger, grudge, or fight that will matter once that person is gone. I guarantee that once you lose that person, any negative feelings you might have felt will feel like a waste of time, waste of effort, waste of energy, when you could have spent the time in love and happiness.
My mom and I had a really close relationship, she was my best friend, but there were times that we didn’t agree with each other. Reading back through some past poems or diary entries, I was reminded of the times that we may have fought, or the times that I may have felt some type of negative way about her and it is all so pointless.
None of those grudges matter
None of those negative thoughts hold any weight
When the person you love is gone all that will matter is how much you love them, the time that you now know you won’t have with them, the wasted time that you spent thinking that there was always tomorrow.
So, use the time you have together to love each other. Make the time to visit, make the time to call, tell the people you love them when you get the chance.
And appreciate who they are to you.
When you saw the world as beautiful
then watched it tear right down the seams
Nothing is ever as beautiful
As you hoped for it to be
This wasn’t her first time
She knew what she was doing to herself
What she didn’t know was what she was doing to the ones around her
She looked back at a text message
“I can’t do this anymore”
Unrecognizable
She asks
“Did I write this? When?!”
He tells her
“Right before”
He tried to persuade her to eat a little more
“I’m depressed”
She says
He puts her favorite show
She reaches out her hand to feel his skin
He tries so hard to stay reassuring
The way he looks at her while she’s sleeping
The sadness in his eyes
Longing for the woman he fell in love with
The wish that he could take her pain away
He loves her so much
She knows she loves him too
Just sometimes
Her depression doesn’t let it matter
I received this message this morning as I woke up and the feeling of constant dread that I have had since taking my NCLEX suddenly faded away. This journey to my RN has been an extremely long one. Not just the prerequisite classes that I was taking in my early twenties, but from the beginning of my RN program to now has been a long road filled with ups and downs.
I moved to Southern California away from anyone that I knew to start my nursing program. It was me and my dog, five hours away from where we had previously been calling home. Small studio, no kitchen. My makeshift kitchen was in a small room that I also installed a closet rod in. I hadn’t thought about it at the time, but it ended up being a VERY bad idea, considering my clothes now smelled of anything I was cooking. I slept on an air mattress for months and struggled to wash dishes in a bathroom sink. It was a challenge for sure, but I didn’t care. I found a job, I was starting nursing school, I was independent, and I was PROUD of myself.
I thought to myself.
“I AM DOING IT”
At that time in my life, I just left a relationship of seven years. I dropped my mom at the airport to move to the Philippines a couple months prior. I physically had never been more alone. I was heartbroken, I was anxious at a new job, and I was excited/stressed about managing my first semester. BUT
I WAS DOING IT
I was finding a way to wake up every morning and be positive. I was finding a way every day to earn my own trust. To learn what it meant to be truly in charge of my own life and focus on me and my well being. I was happy. I was learning how to live my life.
Fast forward a bit, I went through an eviction, repo, heartbreak, frustration, complications with paperwork and school. I went through sleep deprivation, getting laid off from my first hospital job after almost 2 years.
This year alone, I lost my mom super unexpectedly, had 2 car accidents, had a car stolen .
BUT
This journey also brought me love and friendships, adventures, the triumphs after the struggles.
It brought me a new level of self awareness.
This year alone, I graduated from nursing school, went to my little brothers wedding,
PASSED MY NCLEX
My dreams are slowly but surely becoming reality. My list of goals are being checked off.
DONE … AND DONE!
I want to tell anyone out there that has a dream. No matter the circumstances, no matter the hardships, or the roadblocks… you can do it. You can accomplish it. It may take you longer than expected, things may even feel as though they are getting thrown in your path just to make you fail, but, If you want it bad enough, if you love yourself enough to trust in your dream and put you plan into action, you can do it.
There were times that I felt like, everything was just too much. But then I would think..
“If I don’t continue this path to my giant goal, where I am right now, is the best I am ever going to get. This day that I am having RIGHT NOW is going to be the same day I will have for the rest of my life. NO… I don’t want to live this struggle forever.. and that is exactly what I will have to do if I give up”
If your goal is to not work your 9-5 and be your own boss
If your goal is to find a job you love with the talents that GOD has blessed you with
If your goal is to spend more time at home with your family, not missing your daughter’s school play because you had to work overtime
All you have to do is to put that plan in action and ask yourself….
“This feeling of being unhappy, being not content with life, is this the way I am willing to feel for the rest of my life?”
If the answer is NO
Then move your butt and put your plan in action.
A lot of people that I have met, when I tell them that I moved from Northern California alone to LA for school, have said…
“You are so brave”
“You are so strong”
“You have guts”
It means the world to me. But to be honest, being afraid was never a thought that crossed my mind. Needing to feel fear was never in the vicinity of my thought process for this particular decision because it is what I needed to do.
Goal : be a nurse
Step 1. GET INTO NURSING SCHOOL
I did
Step 2. Go to nursing school
Ok
There was no “ifs ands or buts” about any of it. So when I say go for it. Because you can do it…. I truly mean… GO FOR IT
Passing this test has meant a lot to me. It means that all the hard work I put in, all the struggles were worth it. But it is also all very bittersweet. My mom was suppose to be here to see me pass this test. I want anything in the world to be able to call her and tell her that I passed. I want to hear her scream on the other end of the phone and laugh and tell me “congrats babygirl”. I want so much to hear her say that she’s coming home and that we will celebrate.
I know that she’s around me, that she’s proud of me, that she is just as excited as I am, I just wish I could hug her and hold her hand.
I want to thank my mom, for always and forever being my cheerleader. Through all of my life decisions she had her opinion. But she also had my back. She was always the first to say she loved me and the first to tell me she was proud of me. She never skipped a beat to uplift me as a child, tell me how smart I was and that I could be anything I put my mind to. She taught me to dream and to love and all I can say is Thank you for everything. I love you.
I want to thank the rest of my family as well, my dad, my aunts and uncles, my siblings, my boyfriend. For being there for me when times were tough. For having the faith in me, that I could accomplish big things, for loving me unconditionally, even when I made decisions that made them shake their heads. I am a better person because I have all of you in my life. I can’t wait to celebrate this WIN with you. I love you all.
Flipping through the stationary pictures
Smelling the dress you left behind
Reading the words you left on paper
Collecting the scraps of what is left of you
All of a sudden I hear your voice
Radiating from the pinpoint speakers of my phone
I hear your laughter
I hear you giggle
Tears streamed from my eyes
But I must say
It was such a
Treat
#FOWC
#Treat
Finally unpacking my life from April
Going through the nik-naks
Smelling your favorite dress
With no hint of you left on it
Just the aroma of packing boxes
Hint of dust
Filtering among the cherished
And the heartbroken
Pictures that I saw the day we laid you to rest
Evidence that you loved us all so much more than we knew
Undeniable proof that you longed for us the same way
We longed for you
I hold each piece of your jewelry
As if
Somehow
If I could just gather them all
I could put you back together again
The necklace you wore the day you left us
The matching ring
The turquoise
The gold
The hearts
The stones
Holding each piece
Like each piece holds a piece of your soul
Maybe if I could just soak all of it in
I could have you back in my life
An old fashioned camera
Rolls of film
How I long for each roll
To fill me with memories I never had
Memories of your life that I never got to see lived
There is nothing more that I wish
Than to feel connected to you
Wishing I could wear every piece of jewelry at once
Wishing I could see life through your eyes
Read all the words that were written
As you bore your soul
All I have left are your pieces
Your pages
And what I really wish
Is to have you
I dreamt of my mom for the first time last night since the news of her death in April.
The thing is, we have both always believed in the afterlife. Despite what we believed in as far as religion was concerned, we both very strongly believed that our bodies had a soul, a spirit, a life force, and that, after death we would be just as much alive as a spirit as we were in a physical body.
When my mom died, so unexpectedly, I held on to that belief. I thought to myself, “she was my best friend, nobody knew me down to the depths of my soul like she did and no one knew her as much as I did. If she came to visit me after death, I would know. If she wanted me to know something, she would find a way to tell me. If she wanted to be near me, I would feel her. There is no possible way that her spirit could be near me without me knowing.”
And then…
A week passed by and I didn’t know what I was supposed to feel, but I didn’t feel her. I didn’t smell her perfume, I didn’t become overwhelmed with her emotions, I didn’t dream of her, I didn’t get goosebumps, or feel her near me.
I found ways to rationalize it to myself. “Maybe she has unfinished business elsewhere? Maybe she is angry with someone and is wreaking havoc there? Maybe she is in some type of transition?”
It all might seem silly to someone else reading this. It might seem completely insane to someone who doesn’t believe in the afterlife. But, I had to have a reason….
“I would know if she was near me, why haven’t I felt her near me?”
You hear throughout life, from other people who have experienced loss, that they feel their loved one around them all the time, that they feel them like an embrace from the surrounding air. They say they feel their loved one walking beside them throughout life and during all their important experiences.
“where is she then? Where is this unquestionable feeling?”
I spent over a week in a room with her casket. Everyday, all day, beside her, and I spoke to her. I searched for her. Any sign of her. I was grasping at straws.
My mom was an extremely strong woman, filled with fire, energy, and a love for life.
I thought, if anyone were to be a spirit and want to make her presence known, it would be her. She would find the strength to knock a cup down, she would.
Through all of this, I experienced the normal stages of grief. Over and over in short cycles.
Mostly
DENIAL……ANGER…DEPRESSION… ACCEPTANCE
Waves of cycles
I began to become overwhelmed with this sadness and fear.
“What if I don’t feel her, because, there is no afterlife? What if, when you die, you are just gone, life is over, there is no checking in on loved ones, there is nothing but -dark-empty-nothing?”
I didn’t want that for her, I can’t rely on the belief that there is nothing after death.
Well, two months later
I dreamt of my mom for the first time since she died.
I can’t say one way or another what any of that means. I can’t say it’s her visiting me, I can’t say it’s anything more than my brain thinking of her while I’m asleep. I can’t even say that I feel her around me.
But…
For my own grieving process.
For my own closure.
For my own ability to find peace in losing her.
She sent me a message that night.
She told me to love myself for who I am.
She told me to take the insecurities and F*** them all.
She told me to enjoy my life and be happy in the body I’m in.
She told me to stop stressing over the little things in life that don’t matter
She told me to always remember the memories, but to walk over the burnt down and broken, and move forward.
I can’t be mad at her for that
Forgive me LORD
I do not think I have truly prayed to you
Since the day that you took her home
It is not for lack of love
It is not for lack of want
It is not for gain of hatred
It is not for gain of loss
Maybe I am not ready yet
For the floods to pour in
Maybe I am breathless
For the gasp of surprise has taken me
Hostage
Maybe I am at a loss for words
Because the disbelief has me gawking
I want you to know LORD
I still trust in this path you have laid out for me
I trust that everything you have done
Is never without reason
You LORD
Have my heart in your hands
And I believe you will
Mend me
Guide me
Heal me
But
Forgive me LORD
I know that I have not prayed since
The day she flew home to sit by your side
I know you have seen me try
But they were prayers of the skin and not the heart
I think
I am a little lost right now LORD
I am a little broken
But I love you
And I trust you
To make me whole again
Maybe I’ll take a page out of your story mother
It was beautiful when you played it out in my head
Green backdrop
Sun shining
The smell of pine
Or maybe forest
The smell of bark
Aroma of nature
Because you were a wild woman
That wanted to be set free
Surrounded by only those you loved
Because who would travel out to the middle of nowhere
Except for the ones that loved you just as hard
Your dress
Flowing and crimson red
Because you were not the delicate white flower
That these occasions paint people to be
You were fire
Ignited by your love for life
Fueled by your love for laughter
You glowed bright
Because the last thing you ever wanted
Was to fade into the crowd
Diamonds embedded in white gold
Laid upon a bed of moss
Because satin pillows were too fragile
For the way you planned on spending your nights
I know you mother
You would of walked that path solo
To the man who held your heart
As we all gazed upon your beauty
But I, mother
I didn’t want to walk that isle lonely
I am not sure how I will face that day
I will be filled with happiness and love
But I will also be broken
How can I hand this man my heart?
He will feel the deception
He will feel it light
For it lost its fullness
When I lost you
How mother?
How will I have the strength
To put on that dress
The strength you had in crimson red
I will crack in eggshell white
How will I hear the echo of the song?
The song of a story that is about to begin
When all I will hear is a reminder
Of when the echo of your laughter
ceased to exist
I will imagine you there, mother
I will save you a seat
I will hold your hand
I will save you a dance, mother
Because that is all I can do
That’s all that I can
I will wear crimson upon my chest
To give me your strength
I will place the rainforest upon
My table tops to represent
Freedom
To represent
Life
I will surround myself with the people
I love
and the people that love me just as hard
I will fill my life with laughter
Because that is the only way I will be able
To keep you alive in my life
I will try not to taint every happy moment
with the sadness of my loss
I will try not to grey out every sunshine
With the rainclouds of my tears
But I don’t think my future chapters
Will ever be as bright, mother
I don’t think my story will ever be As beautiful
as the story you painted me
Because every chapter I write
from Now on
will be void of your presence
Will be void of you voice
Will be void of your smile
Will be void of a giant piece of me
In one phone call, my world came colliding down
“she will miss you” – he said
As a crackle in his voice slipped through the telephone waves
Thousands of miles away
That heartbreak only took a millisecond to deliver
Even at that moment
I felt emptiness
Yet disbelief
There is no way that the fire in her has been distinguished
There is no way that the light in her had gone dark
With closed eyes
And a deep inhale
I cannot explain what I feel inside
The closest person to me is no longer existent on this earth
My best friend is no longer just a phone call away
The only person that made me laugh from my gut is gone
She was the one and
only one
It’s preposterous the way one’s world completely gets turned inside out
Like the universe just reached in and
pulled my last laughter right from my mouth
It’s insane how my world just took a standstill
But nothing around me stopped moving
Life will not stop for a life lost
The world does not stop turning just because mine toppled from its axis
Other people still need me
although I have not much to give
My future calls me
Although all I want is some time to breathe
Responsibilities demand me
Despite the fact that my brain wishes all too much
Just not to think
I still cannot fathom that you are not just spending your days
On the other side of the world
Awake while I slumber
I cannot understand
That I will no longer see you online
And write you just to bother
I will miss the
“hey baby”
To my
“hey mama”
I do not know how to say “goodbye”
Mother
Because the world keeps spinning for me to move forward
But my heart keeps reminding me
That you are no longer moving forward with me
To the girl I met today,
I want you to know,
that I feel your torment.
In the way that you evade my eyes
in the way that your eyes gloss over
with the pink tinge of a girl that has cried
from the full of the moon
till it blessed us with its smile.
I know you are hurt.
I want you to know that you are not alone.
the crackle in your voice
caused by sobbing,
a throat, exhausted by the howling
I know that you are void of all happiness.
I have been there too.
your anger is too full right now,
your sadness is more
cavernous than the oceans combined,
but I am here
my small talk;
my attempts to distract you
from the agony you are feeling,
my venture to convince you that
I am right there beside you
I am trying to let you know
I have felt it,
I have lived it more than once,
and I am alive and well today.
everything will be okay.
I know
I know that you will not believe me
just like I didn’t believe myself.
I know that there are no words,
no utterances, that will make you believe otherwise.
at least not until the anger subsides
But to the girl that I met today,
I just want to tell you how beautiful you really are
that his actions do not define you.
his deceit is not a repercussion of your worth.
the moment you heard the truth
that pit in your stomach, hollow hearted, emptiness
you feel
will not be what you will feel forever
I know
I want to embrace you
but, I am but a stranger
there is a boundary and a wall
and I know you will cringe to hear my love story
but
to the girl I met today..
you will be okay.
sincerely,
a wonderfully mended heart
Never Silence the Madness 