I dreamt of my mom for the first time last night since the news of her death in April.
The thing is, we have both always believed in the afterlife. Despite what we believed in as far as religion was concerned, we both very strongly believed that our bodies had a soul, a spirit, a life force, and that, after death we would be just as much alive as a spirit as we were in a physical body.
When my mom died, so unexpectedly, I held on to that belief. I thought to myself, “she was my best friend, nobody knew me down to the depths of my soul like she did and no one knew her as much as I did. If she came to visit me after death, I would know. If she wanted me to know something, she would find a way to tell me. If she wanted to be near me, I would feel her. There is no possible way that her spirit could be near me without me knowing.”
A week passed by and I didn’t know what I was supposed to feel, but I didn’t feel her. I didn’t smell her perfume, I didn’t become overwhelmed with her emotions, I didn’t dream of her, I didn’t get goosebumps, or feel her near me.
I found ways to rationalize it to myself. “Maybe she has unfinished business elsewhere? Maybe she is angry with someone and is wreaking havoc there? Maybe she is in some type of transition?”
It all might seem silly to someone else reading this. It might seem completely insane to someone who doesn’t believe in the afterlife. But, I had to have a reason….
“I would know if she was near me, why haven’t I felt her near me?”
You hear throughout life, from other people who have experienced loss, that they feel their loved one around them all the time, that they feel them like an embrace from the surrounding air. They say they feel their loved one walking beside them throughout life and during all their important experiences.
“where is she then? Where is this unquestionable feeling?”
I spent over a week in a room with her casket. Everyday, all day, beside her, and I spoke to her. I searched for her. Any sign of her. I was grasping at straws.
My mom was an extremely strong woman, filled with fire, energy, and a love for life.
I thought, if anyone were to be a spirit and want to make her presence known, it would be her. She would find the strength to knock a cup down, she would.
Through all of this, I experienced the normal stages of grief. Over and over in short cycles.
Waves of cycles
I began to become overwhelmed with this sadness and fear.
“What if I don’t feel her, because, there is no afterlife? What if, when you die, you are just gone, life is over, there is no checking in on loved ones, there is nothing but -dark-empty-nothing?”
I didn’t want that for her, I can’t rely on the belief that there is nothing after death.
Well, two months later
I dreamt of my mom for the first time since she died.
I can’t say one way or another what any of that means. I can’t say it’s her visiting me, I can’t say it’s anything more than my brain thinking of her while I’m asleep. I can’t even say that I feel her around me.
For my own grieving process.
For my own closure.
For my own ability to find peace in losing her.
She sent me a message that night.
She told me to love myself for who I am.
She told me to take the insecurities and F*** them all.
She told me to enjoy my life and be happy in the body I’m in.
She told me to stop stressing over the little things in life that don’t matter
She told me to always remember the memories, but to walk over the burnt down and broken, and move forward.
I can’t be mad at her for that