After losing my mom, I was flooded with messages from friends and family sending their love and condolences. I found myself finding solace in talking about what happened. In random conversation, I would start to talk about my loss, to anyone close enough to listen. Coworkers in the break room, friends on social media, any family that would listen. I was reminded in these moments how much death is an awkward thing to talk about or more specifically, how awkward it is for others to listen and respond to someone else’s pain.
I think a lot of people thought it was odd of me to talk about losing my mom so casually. What they didn’t realize was that it helped me somehow. It gave me peace to talk about her, even if it was about the day I lost her. Maybe talking about losing her helped me cope and let the reality of it sink in. I think maybe I kept replaying that day, and the information I learned to try to create some kind of theory about how and why it all happened. Like some new clue would make things more clear.
I don’t blame anyone for the way they dodged my conversation or the way they didn’t understand the hurt I felt from losing my mom. I, myself, do not know how to react to someone else’s loss. I often revert to the cliche “sorry for your loss”.
I don’t think anyone can truly understand this loss I feel, unless they, too, have lost a parent or a child. It’s a very lonely kind of sadness.
In all my efforts to find comfort, talking to everyone and everything. I connected with an Angel. We met a handful of years ago. She also lost her mother as well. Talking to her really was a gift. She gave me hope, comfort, understanding.
I didn’t feel alone.
My hurt, wasn’t alone.
What really shocked me was that, although we knew each other. Knew of each other. We never really had a conversation, and suddenly, here I was, talking with her about my deepest loss and she was not phased. She wasn’t afraid to talk about loss or pain. She wasn’t afraid to keep replying or forced to change the subject. I wasn’t afraid to tell her how lonely this sadness was or how I was suddenly overcome with the fear of no afterlife.
Okay, story time :
Growing up, my mom always had an affinity for dreamcatchers. She had one in her car, she had some in our home. She gave one to me as a kid.
When my family and I went to the Philippines for my mom’s funeral, we stopped by the beach that she was at when she began to feel chest pain. We just wanted some answers I guess, as to what really happened that day. We were told that she stopped in front of a shop and became unconscious on their front door. As my aunt and I asked a few questions, she looked up at the store that my mom happened to lay down at. She was in awe, because the store was covered floor to ceiling in dreamcatchers. She bought a handful of them for us. It really just made me feel a little more at peace with what happened. Like there was a touch of my mom wherever we went and that, no matter how devastated we are about what happened, GOD does things for a reason. He calls people home when it is their time, and there isn’t really anything that we can do about that.
I told this story to this unsuspecting Angel and one day, this necklace showed up in my mail. She didn’t have to send me anything, she didn’t have to do anything for me, her conversation that day was far far enough, but she sent me this and it has reminded me every day that my mom is nearby and at peace.
Thank you so much to the Angels out there that have such giant hearts. That care when they don’t have to. Love those that they don’t even know.
Just to bring peace to a broken heart.