how do you know you’re in love?

with a head full of jumbled up thoughts

and a heart stuffed with tangled emotions

where does the thinking stop?

where do the feelings begin?

to feel as though-

as though –

and there I go….

not even knowing how to finish that sentence

not being able to comprehend the words that pop into my mind

when I think of YOU

its like an ongoing debate within my head

about what I feel, how I should feel, why I’m feeling them

and every reason why I should just NOT

everything within me screaming

I don’t know, I don’t know, I don’t know

but what I do know is

when I’m not around you

you are all I want to be around

in your presence, we can sit in silence

different corners of the room, opposite directions

but I am happy enclosed in the same four walls as you

within a lovers embrace

I keep my distance

I don’t want my heart to go

where we allow our bodies to travel

a dance of contradictions

what should be moments of intimacy

become moments of purposeful detachment

it is, what it is, what it is

my favorite moments

are the moments after

because somewhere in these moments after

I become bare

guard down and exposed

I allow myself to feel vulnerable

to let you know I need your embrace

to feel your fingers intertwine with mine

to feel you arms around my waist

the comfort of feeling so small and protected

as your lips press against my forehead

but when that moment passes

when the sun rises

when I awake from that dream

I am confronted with the confusing feeling

what is love?

is it love, when I crave these moments outside of the bedroom?

is it love, when I sit at your passenger side and wish my hand was nestled in yours?

is it love, when you are sitting down and although there are a million chairs surrounding me, all I want is to be on your lap?

is it love, when we lock eyes and I want you to kiss me?

not just with your lips

but a kiss from your heart like the longing I see in your eyes.

so there it is,

what I feel, In a nutshell

but then, it doesn’t even begin to encompass the reality of my inner debate

because after we lock eyes

because after I see the longing in your gaze

I am paralyzed with fear

does that look reflect what I hope your heart speaks?

but even if it did….

what then.

the fear of being rejected can do many things to a person,

make them say things they do not mean

make them rationalize reasons that do not make sense,

come to conclusions that do not exist,

all to save their heart from another heartbreak

what if I tell you how I feel,

and you tell me you do not reciprocate?

or worse?

what if, what if we try and we fail?

what if the beauty of another, take your eyes away from me?

what if the memories of an old love

shadow our memories of us?

what if you love me today,

but do not love me tomorrow?

what would exist of what is left of my heart if I allow myself to take this guard down?

fold it neatly

tuck it down beneath the socks in the drawer

to allow that look I see in your eyes

pull every brick down from my walls,

-to let you hug me….

because in all honesty

you haven’t really hugged me,

arm in arm, body against body,

but there has been an invisible cellophane wrap

in between us the entire time

keeping my heart tucked neatly in my drawer

safe –

from jumping right into your hands